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Category Archives: jokes

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Iditarod sled dog race leader Jeff King stands backwards on his sled as he crosses the 90 mile Kaltag portage before arriving in the coastal village of Unalakleet, Mar. 11, 2007.

the last time i checked the news , i got this

rank musher (bib)

A big FUCK!

and me & J started a new week together cos I  found him a job in the place i work, so at lunch times we can escape to the men’s room for some passionate kisses and a few fucks hihihi

apart from the so many good news i received, I found my lil sis’ mail telling me she’s gonna get married soon. it’s been a while we didn’t have much time for each other but i think she’s gonna have no time from now on and i’m really happy for her.

as i manage to slow down my stressful life, there are many things waiting for moderation.

sooner or later we’re going back to our little city with less work and more time for ourselves and friends and here comes the question: Would i ask J to come with us?

i still need some time to ponder and i’m gonna write my decision when it’s final cos i don’t have the energy for arguments and reasoning.

hhmm about the title, it was in my blogstats and i could swear it’s been written by my dad-in-law but well that’s too late for him to search a way to get rid of me 🙂

and do i let a boy with bipolar disorder to be my daughter’s boy friend? nope. it’s not because people with bipolar disorder are terrible, you shouldn’t give the chance to making a baby with that sickness cos the shit is too much to deal with and that’s really selfish of a parent!

time for a joke, this place’s been so creepy the last few days

“A Normal Person”

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor.. “A normal
person would use the bucket because it’s bigger
than the spoon or the teacup?”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window
or close to the door?” (reality sucks, right?)

a bit late but….
There have been many, many times when I may have . . . .

disturbed you,
troubled you,
pestered you,
irritated you,
bugged you, or

got on your nerves,

But today I just want to tell you that…

I PLAN TO CONTINUE !!!!!!!

i’m an expert in making quick decisions, i don’t say all of them end in places i like but that’s the way i like it.
So we’re moving.
i got the ticket for Sunday morning and let’s not say to where but this time it’s one way.
i’m gonna take Alexis with myself but Meg gonna join us by Tuesday
we don’t have much to take, just clothes and a few personal things. me & Meg gonna take as much as possible and in-laws gonna send the rest later.
so everything gonna be new, a new life, a new job and a new place to live.
we’re gonna live with my boyfriend and we had set some rules till now; my wife is mine and i don’t wanna share her with anyone until she wants it herself.
i had this job offer for a while and i had to make my decision by the end of this month, i thought i wanted to stay in Bethel but i hate small communities, i like to get lost in crowded place with a few people knowing me.  but well gay society is still very limited.
and i wanna start a new blog, i’ve started the very first things right now and it’s gonna be hell different
people won’t have real names, gotta put a cover on everything and it’s gonna be more about sex than other things.
so i still keep here open to have a place for every day rant and not to forget how i started everything.
i guess in-laws gonna stay here for a few month then go back to their home in Colorado but probably they won’t follow us.
i have stuck my to-do list to the fridge, i have lotta things to do beside packing.
i have to say good-bye to all of my friends and go to places i like, surely miss the delta a lot
but we wanna keep the house, it’s jus another 14 months so it’s worth it meanwhile we put a “for rent ” sign, we have to balance our expenses
i dunno how i should feel but i’m not feeling blue or bad about it so let’s give it a try.
and i have to thank my wife for let me do whatever i wanted.
life’s gonna be a little hard till she finds a good job but till then i try my best.
this is my new blog: http://meandcallboy.wordpress.com/  (it’s gonna be different so if you think you’re gonna be offended or you don’t like things that way please leave there cos i mean harm to no one)
And thanks a lot for all the visits and supports and comments, i appreciate.
seriously yours
hellboy

AND one last joke before leaving
“Kentucky Vasectomy”

A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine
children. They went to the doctor to see about getting
the husband “fixed.”

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and
asked them what finally made them make the decision
–why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article
that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance
on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could
speak Spanish.

while i’m trying to figure what i am and where am i going , you can have a bit of laugh, i go on thinking!
quote:””Do not check your soul at the door when you cross the threshold of your workplace. Whether you are a custodian or a CEO, practice work as sacred art. Respect comes not from the work you do, but the way you do your work.”
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Note: Patient here recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
21. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
22. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Here is a refresher course on handy, dandy
tools we need around the house.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned
guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,”Ouch….”
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning
pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transferintense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on
older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

to start a good new year, let’s think about one of the most difficult questions in the world 🙂

some already have thought about it.

chicken_300×193.jpg

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on “THIS” side of the road before it goes after the problem on the “OTHER SIDE” of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his “CURRENT” problems before adding “NEW” problems.
OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the  chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image . . of the chicken crossing the road…
ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.(A male chicken???)
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet xplorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&;^( C \ …. Reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

pretty old but still fun

What do they call Santa’s helpers?Subordinate Clauses

What do you call Santa Clause after he’s fallen into a fireplace?Krisp Kringle.

Who sings “Love Me Tender” and makes Christmas toys?Santa’s little Elvis.

Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?”Rude”olph.

Where do Santa’s reindeers like to stop for lunch?Deery Queen.

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia.

The 4 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood.

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?Because he had low elf esteem.

To: All Concerned

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:”These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefer that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Labonte, on Elliott
and Andretti.”

5. “Ho, Ho, Ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond,”I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off.”

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

so this is my last post before christmas, i may take a few days off the cyber world or i may post right after christmas, it all depends on what my christalball tells me, so Merry jesusmas and enjoy yourself, but dont get drunk!

*************************

“Different Picture”
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.
After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but keith’s had an odd element in it.
“Keith, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?
“It’s the flea, teacher.”
“What flea?” asked the teacher.
To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: “Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There’s Mary; there’s Jesus; and there’s the flea.”
********

Why do people kiss under the mistletoe? ever wondered?
The custom of kissing under the mistletoe originates in Norse(not nose) mythology. According to the Scandinavians, the handsome and gracious god Balder had a premonition about his murder. To prevent the death,Frigg, his mother, made every living thing promise not to kill her son. Her only omission was the insignificant mistletoe.
Loki, the evil god (but he was a good guy, i knew him), discovered Frigg’s oversight, and sought to exploit it. Appearing as an uninvited guest at a banquet in Valhalla, Loki watched as the other gods shot arrows at Balder for fun, marveling at how none of the arrows pierced the seemingly invulnerable god. Loki, always seeking to harm, also shot an arrow at Balder, but his arrow was made of mistletoe, so it killed him.
Though clearly innocent by modern standards, the other gods were angry at the mistletoe for killing their favorite god. As retribution, they allowed Frigg to do what she wanted to the plant. Rather than hurt it, Frigg, the goddess of love, decided to make the mistletoe a symbol of affection, asking that anyone standing under it be given a kiss of love and forgiveness.
(Source: THE STRAIGHT DOPE column by Cecil Adams)

quote:Wife to husband: “This Christmas, let’s give
each other sensible gifts, like ties and fur coats.”
&&&&&&&&&

SCHIZOPHRENIA: “Do you hear what I hear?”
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: “We three
kings are all the same person!
DEMENTIA: “I think I’ll be home for Christmas.”
NARCISSISTIC: “Hark the herald angels sing about me.”
MANIC: “Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn
and streets and stores and office and town and cars
and buses and trucks and trees and fire hydrants and …”
PARANOID: “Santa Claus is coming to get me.”
PERSONALITY DISORDER: “You better watch out, I’m gonna cry, I’m gonna pout, maybe I’ll tell you why.”
DEPRESSION: “Silent night, holy night–all is hectic,
all is dark.”
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIV E: “Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock,
jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock, jingle bell, jingle
bell, jingle bell rock, ..”
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE: “On the first day of Christmas
my true love gave to me… (and then took it all away.)”

Did you know… While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year–according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game–male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid- December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat ol’ man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

sorry, gotta restate Reindeer Facts :
Listen up. Alaska has no native reindeer, as they come from Asia and Europe. Although Alaska has some reindeer farms, they are privately owned and the Alaska Department of Fish and Game would have little to do with them.
Now, let’s assume Santa is a competent breeder of reindeer. Breeding season runs roughly from the middle of September to the middle of January and often is called simply “rut.” Breeding males in rut would not be used to pull a sleigh at Christmas for
three reasons needed for breeding season; not in prime health because of the rigors of chasing females; and not trustworthy during personality change caused by rut.
Similarly, breeding females would not be used to
pull a sleigh because they need to be in prime
health for breeding.

If Santa can’t use breeding males or breeding females
to pull his sleigh at Christmas, what’s left?

Ah, the true answer, verified by checking with my
reindeer farming neighbors and buddies, is …
steers [geldings]!

Reindeer steers have antlers at Christmas, do not
change personality significantly during rut, and are
not needed for breeding.

There you have it. Santa’s reindeer are males …
or at least they were.

think:Consider this!!! What if we woke up Christmas
morning and received everything we truly deserve?

dcsn2020703.JPG 

now the joke:Signs You’ve Chosen A ‘No Frills’ Airline”

They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold
out.

Before the flight, the passengers get together and
elect a pilot.

You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact
change.

Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten
your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little
for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows
off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often his planes crash and he
says, “Just once.”

No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing
before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let
off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and
is met by his servant at the station. This is the
conversation that they have on their way to his home.

“So, has anything happened while I’ve been away?”

“No, sir, I can’t think of anything at all worth mentioning.”

“Come now, I’ve been away for weeks. Surely something
must have happened in all that time.”

“Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died.”

“My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in
years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How
did he die?”

“The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten
meat.”

“The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat
lying around for the dog to eat?”

“Well, it was the horses, sir. They’d been rotting for
some time after the barn burned down.”

“Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn
down?”

“It must have been some embers that blew over from
the house, sir.”

“The *house*? The house burnt down, too? How did
the house burn down?”

“Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over
a candle.”

“Oh. … Wait a moment – we don’t use candles anymore
to light the house! What were the candles doing there?”

“They were there for the wake, sir.”

“The wake?!? Whose wake?”

“Your mother’s, sir. She passed away quite suddenly.”

“Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along
with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother
die of?”

“It must have been the shock, sir.”

“The shock?”

“Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the
handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all
that, it’s been fairly quiet while you’ve been away, sir.”

me.JPG

  • 1pm,7th December 1980, L.A., Ca.

a cold snowy day, a cry of baby and smile of a crowd.

7pm,7th  December 2006, Bethel,Ak.

a cold day, a little snow here and there, a cry of baby, a weeping dad.

congratulation to my parents for introducing one of the craziest creatures of this world, yeah it’s me. happy birthday keith. 🙂

let’s blow the candles! one two three……………..

mother fucker whydya turn the lights off?

26 years passed since the time i stepped on this planet, woaaahh so long, it sounds ages to me. i wished my life was over by my 25th birthday, nothing happened, so im still polluting the air, burning fuel, eating food and destroying this planet. i’ve brought smile on many faces and made lotta people cry. i’ve cried for the people i loved and lost and i’ve smiles meeting new people-to brighten up my life some how-.

now im here, starting another year, to be honest the previous year was one of the best years of my life. im still hopeful, i wanna see better years.

so lemme blow the fake candles, lemme smile one moretime and pretend nothing happened. i still have many days to see, yet i have to be ready to leave any moment.

so better live as if there’s jus a minute left and enjoy moments as if there’s no tomorrow.

life sucks but not always. some times terrible things happen but may be it’s jus for a lesson we should learn. i believe even in the saddest moment of our lives, there’s a little tiny thing we can smile at.(stupid me forgot this important fact).

so today’s a new start, a new time to born, let’s explore this world with babies’ eyes.  let’s smile to sorrow so it fades away.

well there’s no party this year, but a little cake for me, meg and alexis is more than enough.

so let’s shake these chains off, i wanna be wild and free, i wanna smile with the little angel God gave me, i wanna share my dreams with my sweet-heart one more time. nothing happened, not here, not to me, do you remember me saying anything? 😉

  • birthday joke:Kid Bits

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
“I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother.
“I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”

  • word of the day:” don’t use word to describe your situations but use word to change your situation”
  • note: the attached pic is obviously me but i was too lazy to scan them so i jus used my cellphone, you cant see much for sure, but i was really cute, wasnt i?(to younger ones: yes i am that old that we didnt have a digital camera to take pics 😉 )
  • caution: big thanks and a big hug and a big sexy kiss (performed by the polar bear) to all my great friends who called, smsed,vmsed,mailed,commented….. and reminded me of my birthday, thanks 🙂

ok gotta go or my birthday cake will be burnt.

Reasons G~d Created Eve”

10. G~d worried that Adam would frequently become
lost in the garden because he would not ask for
directions.

9. G~d knew that Adam would one day require
someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. G~d knew that Adam would never go out and get
himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and
would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.

7. G~d knew that Adam would never be able to make
a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. G-d knew that Adam would never be able to remember
which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. G~d knew that if the world was to be populated, men
would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort
of childbearing.

4. As “Keeper of the Garden,” Adam would never
remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his
troubles on when G~d caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”

1. When G~d finished the creation of Adam, He stepped
back, scratched His head, and said, “I can do better
than THAT!”
**************

this is me, no doubt.

“Voice”

A Man was walking down a street when he heard
a voice from behind, “If you take one more step,
a brick will fall down on your head and you will
get killed.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front
of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while, he was going to
cross the road.

Once again, the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still!
If you take one more step a car will run over you,
and you will die.”

The man did, as he was instructed, just as a car
came careening around the corner, barely missing
him.

The man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh, yeah?” the man exclaimed, “And where the hell
were you when I got married?”

 a friend said:”yo a clown bud” well yes, beside being a bitch i can be a clown too, but not right now, well at least i can stick something funny here.

“Football Players Exam”

Two football players were taking an important final
exam. If they failed, they would be on academic
probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the
following week.

The exam was fill-in-the- blank. The last question read,
“Old MacDonald had a _________.” Bubba was stumped.
He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get
this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped
Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer
to the last question?”

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the
professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba.
“Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old
MacDonald had a farm.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.” He picked up
his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the
blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder
again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is
spelled: E-I-E-I-O.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^

“The Amazing Golf Ball”

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee
off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and
yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something
really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can
never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose
it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it
detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound,
and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your
round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m
telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he
says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

to my loved one ( i know you check here dont deny!)

“Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore,
marriage is an institution for the blind.”

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&&&&&&&&&

“A Priest And A Bus Driver”

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to
heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly
gates where St. Peter greets them.

He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a
jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50
acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.
St. Peter turns to the priest and says, “This will be
yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next
to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing
well will come true guarantied.”

The priest says, “Oh, thank you so much. This I shall
enjoy!”

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly
gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a
stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about
500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers.
There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with
about 200 rooms. St. Peter says, “This will be yours
for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to
wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything
you want.”

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now,
don’t think I’m not grateful, but shouldn’t the priest get
all this, not me? Shouldn’t I get the cottage and 50 acres
instead?”

St. Peter just laughs and says, “The reason you get all
this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell
asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!”

happy thanks giving

it’s a nice word & it’s a cool holiday………

before goin to bed: let’s have a smile!

“Cut Off”

A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously
drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a
stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a
drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it
appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he
could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and
could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs,
grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers
out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk
stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to
the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes
over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses
service to the man due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender
for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the
side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his
head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through
the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar
stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a
drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically
reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be
served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will
be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in
hopeless anguish, cries, “MAAAN! How many bars
do you work at?”

not in the mood of typing but……………… 

“Six Foot Cockroach”

11.jpg
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the
near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.”
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

“It’s a Flu Season”
How To Avoid It:
Eat right!
make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, and go for a swim.
Take the stairs instead of the elevator.
Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors and windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take your doctor’s approach.
Think about it……
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol…
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So…….
I walk to the liquor store… (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona …(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary… (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio…(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh….(eliminate stress)
Then pass out… (rest)
The way I see it… If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!
My grandmother always said, “A shot in the glass beats one in the arse!”

this is somehow continue of the last post, sent by my wife 🙂

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“The Birth Order Of Children”
Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly
in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones
with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash
and boil it.
2nd baby:! When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you
can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Pictures:
1st baby: You take a picture every time the child moves.
2nd baby: You take pictures at birthday parties.
3rd baby: You wait for school pictures or copies of pictures your friends have taken.
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.

i never hated little human beings, so God rewarded me for my deeds with a little baby girl that well, some how i adore (surely not when she wakes me up in the middle of the night or bugging me). Not a lesson learned. so i give it one more try & waitin for another little disaster (stupid me; so inexperienced).

some people thought (in bery old days) that chidren are our future. well some fuckin centuries ago they were, helping with the farms yada yada yada. but not these days, they’re waste of money you could spend with your spouse (recently discovered that it’s wiser to spend it on your own, wish i known this a few months ago, alas!).

so back to the kids, these little demons are jus a curse, the revenge of our own parents for driving them crazy…..

there’s no way back, once you let them in. but whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was “DON’T!”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve…we have forbidden fruit!!!!!”
“No Way!”
“Yes, way!”
“Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?” said the Father.
“I don’t know,” said Eve.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
“Did not!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
7. Just when you redecorate their room into a nice TV room, they show up with boxes, suitcases and large dogs, to move back home.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN“!!!!!

ok guess alexis finished peein in her nappy, gotta change her asap!

note: not all written by me of course.

PS: congrats to Sarah Palin, the first woman to be the next alaska’s  governor, lucky republicans but actually democrats did better generally speaking. let’s wait & see what a hell’s gonna happen to my salary with additional taxes. RIP boy, i have no idea who’s gonna pay so many bills, loans…… does better day exist?

let’s pray to Allah this lady remembers 1/100000000th of what she said or i have to head south, yeah im talkin about mexico!

The proprietor of a successful optical shop was
instructing his son on how to charge a customer.

“After you have fitted the customer’s glasses,” he
said, “and he asks you what the charge will be,
you say, ‘$200.’ Then see if he winces.

“If the customer doesn’t wince you say, ‘For the frames.
The lenses will be another $200.’

“If he still doesn’t wince, you say firmly, ‘Each.'”

this must be me……

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re
an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is
let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing
and building improvements. After a while, they’ve
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day G~d calls Satan up on the telephone and
says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there
in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to
come up with next.”

G~d replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer?
That’s a mistake–he should never have gotten
down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer
on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

G~d says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah,
right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

“Sales Call”
A salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old boy answered. Salesman: “May I speak to your mother?”
Boy: “She’s not here right now.”
Salesman: “Well, is anyone else there?”
Boy: “My sister.”
Salesman: “O.K., fine. May I speak to her?”
Boy: “I guess so.”
At this point there was a very long silence on the phone.
Then:
Boy: “Hello?”
Salesman: “It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.”
Boy: “I tried. But I can’t get her out of the playpen.”
&&&&&&&&&&&
First Dental Exam”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. “How old are you?” No response.
The dentist then asked, “Don’t you know how old you are?”
Immediately four tiny fingers went up. “Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?”
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, “Can you talk?”
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, “Can you count?”