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once upon a time, long time ago, “to be, or not to be” was a question, but now things have changed a lot. the “being” is not that important. the being…. makes difference.

so the other day i was chatting with “the other guy”-don’t think wrong, he’s straighter than anything you can think of, so he’s just a friend- and the conversation went on like this:

 me: hug me

that guy: already

me: where?

me: how?

that guy: cant you feel it?

me: no. i think you’re hugging the wrong guy

that guy: what??

that guy: you re fat and pale, right?

me: fuck u! where have you gone?

me: gay-asian bar? 

that guy: oh, shoot! it’s a girl.

me: huh?

me: went to the les? omg

that guy: God im blessed!

(i showed him my picture)

me: this is me

that guy: really?

me: yeah. btw do i really look fat and pale?

that guy: no,   you look weird

me: why?

me: do i have horns and tail and boobs?!

that guy: gayish?

me: i dunno.you tell me

that guy: you feel like choosing a right path, buddy??

me: what path?

that guy: your life

me: hhmm no so sure. but i think it’s fine

me: u dont agree?

that guy: sorry i dont

me: i guessed so

me: is your way right?

that guy: i guessed so

me: lucky then. im not jealous

me: i couldn’t change anything actually

that guy: i dont ask you to

that guy: really?

me: yes really

that guy: you re a loser i know

me: u know i tried

me: i know it

me: no need to be reminded

that guy: never again

me: my pleasure

me: you wanna confirm what?

me: my whole existence is a sin?

that guy: that’s confirmed

that guy: no need to be reminded

that guy: just wonder..

me: wonder what?

that guy: it is stupid that you think you couldn’t change anything and blame god

me: i dont blame him. i never did

me: i just say my creation was the worst thing he could do

that guy: that’s blaming, pal

me: ok. i cant change it. I’m fucked

that guy: now let say, you cant change it and you just follow it

me: ok as you say

that guy: now you wanna affect people around yo?

me: i was born a loser. no i just want to love and be loved

that guy: don’t you think ya have power

me: for what?

that guy: look at your words, man. you have power

that guy: you may have affected many people

me: to be a jerk?

that guy: you happy?

me: i think so

me: you wanna conclude I’m happy with some powers, right?

that guy: maybe, and happy you get some attention with that

me: what a poor creature i am then

me: i’d rather go to bed

me: g’night

And the chat was over but i didn’t go to bed. later we chatted a little more and he claimed i’ll be a threat to my little girl for being gay.

how can i be such? i mean no harm to her. well may be drunk dads say the same but still beat their families but i’m not into alcoholic drinks nor drugs. and i don’t think loving my boyfriend would make me so insane that i try to harm my little girl. that’s way too stupid.

but well there’s this possibility of being hated by her for my sexual orientation. that’s as much as possible when parents kick their kids outta home for the same reason.

i don’t wanna conclude anything and i don’t wanna deny being bisexually gay. and i think even denying it, won’t help me much when me and my wife are screwing one an other and i can’t stop my mind thinking  of him instead of her.

but there’s this fact. i’m a loser in this world and the world of the dead. i can say i tried to change a few things but i’m not giving my boyfriend to a pile of written stuff claiming i will go to hell for being myself and for loving the man of my dreams.

why no guy goes to hell for loving a woman? (3-4 women in other religions!) that’s not a sin but it can make me a real psycho running after my daughter for that reason.

so i’m trying to start everything from here!

timmy3shocker1.jpg

personally I don’t care much about politics cos i can’t do anything to stop or start something planned!

but when i read this ” Millions of dollars for rural schools and roads in Alaska are now at stake in a confrontation between the White House and congressional Democrats over withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq.” in the papers, i really despised those fat guys resting their ass on comfy chairs and looking for a way to make their pocket full the money collected from taxes and in the end not only any school or road is made or fixed; they let the troops get mental diseases or die for no reason.

i dunno how this stupidity can be stopped but i think nobody ever stopped such things during the history. So i put my backpack in the car, kick J’s ass to shake a leg, jump into ym chevy and press the gas to get to the airport before the plane takes off.

see you later in Anchorage. i bet I’m gonna die spending 20 days working hard without my family. i already miss Alexis and Meg!

I looked into some old pages and I found this, it looks quite funny right now!(I looked so AC/DC LOL!)

m7er_014.jpg

Closing the door and pulling all the curtains  , i crawled into the bed and closed my eyes, I could hear my own heart beat cos it was beating so fast and strong I thought it might jump out of my rib case ; I was nervous like a teenage boy trying something forbidden for the first time.

I trembled a bit as her lips touched my cheek, it was more like an electric shock given to a dead body. I thought:”Oh my Gawd, I want her more than anything else.” I couldn’t stop myself from what looked so natural. Without much hesitation I hugged her tight. keeping her close to my sweaty body I kissed her cheek and then I kissed her lips. I closed my eyes and stuck my lips to her as long as I could still holding her close to my body.

She tasted me with her tongue and we started eating one another. she was so sweet, tasting like a cup of hot chocolate to me that I felt i was in heaven, I wanted the clocks to stop working and let those moments last for ever.

I didn’t realize when she unzipped my jeans and got her cold sweet lovely fingers inside but just a simple touch of her was more than enough for me; I was as hard as stone and I was sure I wanted her to go further so I let her do whatever she liked to my body. She turned upside down and in a few seconds she was between my legs and she  was exploring my shaft her tongue and massaging my balls with her fingers. I moaned in pleasure, grabbed her hair and directed her head to the place gaping for attention; she took my meat inside her warm mouth and sucked it like a little baby, at first she sucked it slowly then she sucked faster. I couldn’t hold for long, I cried: “omg, I’m cuming” she sucked my cock harder and i came. she ate all my loads & didn’t waste a drop.we were both breathless; but I had to satisfy her too cos I didn’t want to owe her anything. so we quickly got outta bed  and got rid of our clothes. Jumping back on the bed, we got to the 69 position and I buried my face inside her wet pussy, I licked a few drops of her juice then teased her by running my tongue around her well-shaved pussy. She hadn’t left a pubic hair as if she knew we wanted do it that day. the aroma coming from her pussy was so great and intoxicating for me. I dug into her clit thrusting my tongue inside her. I could hear her moaning and panting, I sucked her harder, she let out a loud cry and it was followed by her juices. I licked her clean and she tasted so good. I laid on my back and i was hard again cos she was teasing me with her tongue as I sucked on her clit.

She winked at me then she stood up and parted her pussy lips giving me a full view of her erect clit; it was such a turn on for me that all i wanted was to fuck her tight cunt. She lowered her body as if she read my mind, she grabbed my cock and put the head at her entrance, I was ready to fuck her. I stared at her big beautiful eyes and begged her to go on. slowly slowly she let me in. I couldn’t believe she was so tight, her pussy muscles tightened round my organ and I could see pain in her eyes. She remained in the same position for a few minutes before starting to ride, at first she moved slowly, then she went  faster trying to get me completely inside. But she was so tight and my dick was a bit too thick for her she couldnt take me in. she rode faster and harder as I got closer to my climax. A few more strokes and we both came together and I helped her lay on my side with my semen oozing outta her hole.

I love her so much, she’s so perfect, so hot, so sexy, and sometimes it seems she’s never satisfied and that day was one of those times.

It didn’t take long before she was ready for another mission, she held my cock in her hand and started to play with it to wake up th beast. But I couldn’t keep up with her pace, I needed some time to regain my power and another erection.

she played with my cock for a while till it was hard again then she moved on her for ready for me to get inside of her. I got behind her and held my cock with one hand and lubing the other hand. I played with her ass cheeks then touched her tight ass hole trying to insert a finger but she yelled:” no anal” .shit , I knew; I knew she didn’t want anyone play with her anus. I parted her pussy and got inside of her so hard that she let out a loud scream, I knew she was hurt so I pulled out and this time I thrust slowly. we went on till we came, I came first but i kept on thrusting till she came too, then we laid on the bed holding each other and panting, we were both exhausted.

Thanks heaven her parents were out or they’d kill us if they knew what we were up to.

We spent quite a while together on the bed, kissing and touching then we showered before her parents came home. Then we went downstairs and turned the TV on, pretending we were watching it all day.

Though it was a great time, i still feel something was missing; i wanted her to fuck me from behind with her dildo. i felt my ass was on fire, shit, i hate this feeling, i don’t wanna act like gays.*

*. yes I know  this post was all crap but I have noticed a few things:

1. I write a bit better now

2. I love my wife

3. I was a real fag who was afraid of his own homosexual feelings

4. I’m happy I’ve found my boy

5. just 9 days left and I haven’t done anything for our first anniversary, any one has any idea to help?

to my not very surprise, today Jeff came to my in-laws’ place so he can ask them for some help.
this is the conversation between me & mom (or something like this)
mom: so what’s your problem, keith?
keith: huh? whacha talkin about?
mom: you know what i am talking about, don’t you?
keith: nah, gimme a hint!
mom: com’on keith, don’t pretend you cant understand me. (pointing to the living-room where he’s watching TV)
keith: aha,HIM! no problem.
mom: so why you don’t talk to him?
keith: cos we have talked a lot, nothing left to say.
mom: but he says he can explain, he jus wants a chance.
keith: mom, why ya on his side? he’s said what he could say. what does he wanna add?
mom: give him a chance, for my sake.
me thinking and scratching my curly wavy hair.
keith: ok,only cos you asked me but he can have just a minute.
so i went to the living-room
me: hey
he raises his head and looks at me with a stupid grin on his face.
me: so whadya wanna say?
HIM: hi, come & sit here.
i stand still by the entrance.
me: i don’t have much time.
Him:(looking a bit offended) whad do yo wanna do?
me: Alexis wants her horse to give her a long ride on his back.
Him: and that’s more important to you?
me: playing with my daughter is more important than many things.
Him: I see
me: so?
i keep silent for a while but he doesn’t want to speak so i go on.
me: Look J i’ve told you everything, and i’m gonna buy you a pair of rings if that’s all you want.
Him: keith!
me: yes! what do you wanna tell me? you wanna say you’ve decided to get married and live a very straight life in MY city, right?
Him: for heaven’s sake, slow down.
me: time’s up, i have to go.
Him: fuck you………
i don’t let him finish his sentence.
me: no, i don’t have the time to get fucked, besides i don’t have any condom here and i’m not in the mood and well i’m having my period.
grinning at his puzzled look, i go outside the room looking for my little girl.
me: Alex, Alexis, Lexiiiiiiisssss, where ya? come to daddy!
wiggling her little hands she runs down the stairs.
me shouting: ” holy …….-i bite my lip remembering i shouldn’t curse infronna her- don’t run”
i catch her somewhere in the middle of air and hug her tight. she screams and i let her go.
Putting her hands on the side of her head she says: “Orse”
me kissing her:” ok, horse but that’s a rabbit that has big ears like you” she giggles.

15 minutes later, me lying on the sofa half dead half alive, i wasn’t born a horse!
i can hear Alexis shouting at her mom for not giving her lipstick to her, God she’s an exhibitionist even now!

He comes to the room, touching me on the shoulder, i open my eyes and sit.
me: what?
Him: you played with her, didn’t you?
me: so?
Him: can we talk now?
me: i thought we talked enough that night and you were supposed to leave last morning, weren’t you?
Him: can you shut your fucking mouth up for a second and listen?
putting my forefinger to my noise and said:” shush no f-words, she may hear”
lowering his voice:”ok, i made a mistake but i wanted to know how it was like.”
me almost shouting:” how it was like, how it was like?!, do i look like donkeys? do you see a tail? and you didn’t know how it was like?! you’re trying to say you were virgin? go fuck yer mom……….
mom came to the room: KEITH!
me feeling red with blushes: sorry, i meant nothing
i wait till she goes out of the room
me: so what do you want now?
unzipping my jeans i went on: so you wanna fuck me to see how it is like?
he grabs my jeans before falling.
Him: Keith, for God’s sake, for the sake of the one whom you worship, for the sake of your loved ones
i stare at him, and said: ok for their sake what? don’t ask you to fuck me cos i need something in my ass!?huh?!
him looking else where and murmuring: “bitch”
me: i heard it, yes i’m a bitch, didn’t you know that? then what?
i zip my jeans and make a bee line for the door
him: i’m sorry keith, i’m really sorry
me: if you cry, i may think about it
Meg coming to the room, pretending she didn’t hear anything; “so what’s the problem boys?”
me leaving the room: nothing, it seems HE has found something new.
as i was almost outside the room, i shouted:” hey Meg do you have a good dress for his wedding?”
she smiles at Him and follows me out of the room, ” may be you have to buy me one!”
we let him think on his own, i wave at mom as we open the entrance door to go out for a walk with my arm round her waist.
mom: don’t stay out too long, it’s cold out there and don’t come late for lunch.
me: yes sire!
and i shut the door.
****************
may be you think i should have given the chance. actually i did and now i want him to decide what he wants from his life on his own. yes i love him and i don’t wanna lose him but i can’t tie to my bed!
i’m not sure what i really want to hear from him, well may be i’m a pussy bisexual preferring males to females more and he’s bi too, i knew it but i didn’t expect him dumping me without any warning. my heart is not a crowded street that many people come and go every where, i can’t love many people from the bottom of my heart, i have a limited space there and he has to make his choice!
***> any suggestion to get outta this hell is welcomed 🙂

all i want at the moment is a good partner like these:

2007_03_19_bangbang-thumb1.jpg

honestly, i’m sorta feeling blue, quite pissed off and i’m so glad of giving J what he deserved.

you cant fuck with me and escape without any punishment!

do i look like a desperate gay dad?! hope not!

let’s start the first working day!

I’m getting ready to get up and get dressed and get my lazy ass in right gears to move and leave home for a while to get something to eat. got what i said?

Spending my third day of staying home and doing nothing and just staring at random things and waiting for random things to crash on my head or other random unexpected unfortunate events, nothing special has happened till now. So i made my mind to get outta home and do something productive like running after kids, sitting on ice and catching no fish or shooting some moving things and then call ’em moving moose.

honestly it seems i was happier when working more than 12 hours a day, at least i was doing something and by the end of the month i could smile at the sight of those additional figures in my account.

right now: Meg & Alexis are out at some friends’ place, in-laws are enjoying themselves  doing i dunno what and my fucking boy friend is hanging with some (read one) cute girl(S) he met the other day.

and i know you’re green with envy! yes it feels great not to work that i feel i’m going crazy if i stay one more hour at home and i have decided to go back to my old job till the end of my vacation, then finish my fucking contract with that fucking company and get back home (that’s gonna take a whole month so fuck ’em all!)

and I know now you’re saying why i’m complaining 7/24 when zillion of gay guys are dreaming of my life and i wonder how they can be gay when they’re fantasizing about boobs and pussies!

i feel so gay today cos when i woke up, it was 10 to 8 and no one was at home and nothing was left for me to eat and i had 2 notes stuck to the fridge; one from my wife saying i could have crackers and milk for breakfast and she won’t be home earlier than 5 pm and i have to pick her up and i can join them for lunch if i were in the mood of getting outta house, taking a bath and shaving.

the other note from J was a lot better; it started with a “fcuk your lazy ass for sleeping too much” in bold and italic and big red font and i hate red pens! then telling me  he’s gonna spend his day with the girl he met the other day in a party he went with Meg & Alexis last Sunday.

things worrying me:

1. is it wrong to sleep 2-3 hours a day?

2. why no one tried to wake me up and take me with themselves?

3. why my gay boyfriend look so straight to me?

4. should i buy Meg a…… for our first anniversary or buy Alexis a tricycle or buy myself a skateboard or buy J a pair of rings for his wedding?

there must be something very wrong with me, i know it’s too hard to deal with depressed me and it’s hell boring to be down so often but at least they could offer taking me out than letting me stay home and drown in my own shit.

And i’m gonna laugh till death if J fucks that girl and tells me he’s not feeling gay anymore!

Wanna have a boy friend with a wife and a naughty kid? i’m 5′ 10”, 137 lbs and i’m just a pink elephant lost and looking for a caring guy, i’m not too ugly (yeah i look better than your gay grandpa! ) and i earn ….k$ per month, so can we meet tonight cos i feel so gay and i need an @$$ to f***.

i knew you were jealous of me, admit it!

*. another me & boy friend story!

He rested his hand on my chest and took a deep breath.

 “I feel a bit sore and tired, wanna go on?” he asked. I grabbed his head and pulled him close enough to whisper something in his ears. ” do you wanna come with us or not?”

he licked my cheek gently then said:” surely you have no right to leamme here, on my own.”

I loosened my fingers and let him adjust his body to a better position as I leaned on my elbows and pushed myself to the other end of the bed to have a better view of my lover.

he looked like a naughty boy ready to play with; I took a good long stare at him and admired his muscular body with my fingers running up and down his hand.

” how long you wanna tease?” he asked.

“you know I enjoy exhaustin’ and playin’ with my prey before eatin’ him.” I licked my lips.

he grabbed his very hard cock in his hand and stroked it several times, I leaned forward to touch his beautiful cock too shouting:” no jerk off, that’s mine, all mine”

he smiled wickedly, rising on his knees and pushing me away.

“you wanna tease, ok, you’re gonna be teased till you beg me stop.”

 All I could do was running on my hands and knees trying to get outta bed but he was fast enough to catch me by my foot and pull me back on the bed, I tried to escape but he put all his weight on my body and stuck me to the bed.

he started biting  the back of  my neck, his hands holding my wrist and giving me no chance to move.

I shouted:” J you’re hurting me bitch”

 he loosened his hands a bit so I could change my very unstable position.

“so what should I do with my disobedient lover” he asked.

 “do as you like but move your fucking knee away from my back, you’re breaking it!”

he pushed his knee against my back harder, I tried to throw him to the other side of the bed but he was holding me really firm. “it hurts, yeah?” he asked.

 “I’m gonna fuck you to death as soon as I get outta your hell.” I yelled.

“you’re a bluffer, you can’t do anything at the moment.” he said and pushed me harder against the bed, it was hard to breathe.

” babe, lemme go, I beg you, I’m sorry, damn yo, you’re breaking my bones.” I cried.

“what’s today?”  he asked.

 ” I dunno, it’s another fucking Saturday, J lemme go, please.”  the pain was getting worse.

” and you still remember our bet?”  he was really enjoying himself.

” bitch, yeah, ok do as you like but my dead body won’t do you much for pleasure.” I couldn’t go on tolerating more pain.

 “ok, good boy!” he said this and moved to the other side of the bed. both of us covered in sweat, I turned to the other side so I could look into his eyes.

We stayed still for several minutes before I moved my arms round his waist and pulled him closer.

“you were killing me”  I kissed him on the cheek.

“But you’re still alive.”  embracing each other, I licked his lips.  he tasted good, I like his taste, his tender kisses but  I couldn’t stay like that for long.

I kissed him lustfully, he kissed me back. I put a hand on his ass cheek.

 shivering a little, he said: “shiiittt, your hand’s so cold”

he bent toward the floor to find the blanket.

 we moved under the blanket, I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his shoulder, I could hear his breath, he could hear mine. his fingers caressed my back.

” I love you baby.” I whispered.

“so do I, asshole” he whispered back.

we remained in each others arms for a while, I enjoyed rubbing my body against his. my hands were pretty warm by then and all I wanted was to sleep in his arm, I was so tired to think of anything else.

 But the other head was really  busy and hard. I rubbed my hand against his smooth skin till at last I found his hand  jerking his hard dick slowly, I put my hand on his hand, then held it tight and  brought it to my mouth, licking every finger.

 now my hand was resting on his hard cock. I moved a bit upward so I could see his face. I squeezed his balls a little, then put both hands on his shoulders and turned him to his back  then raised my body a bit, putting my leg on his other side and then he was between my legs. I pressed my chin against his chest, then put my weight on my elbows as I rubbed my dick against his groin, he closed his eyes.

 I began to rub my hard cock against his fully erect cock, he put his hands on my hips and pushed me closer, I pushed back. He let out a loud moan as I kissed his lips.

I increased my pace and he moaned louder as  I rubbed my balls against his and it felt so good.

I buried my face in his pillow as he parted my ass cheeks, I was dying to feel his fingers inside, I wanted him to fill my painful butt hole.

 Out of the blue the door banged open.” whacha you boys doin’ here?”  my wife asked.

J pushed me off his body trying to sit.

“com’on outta bedroom, I wanna change my clothes & I think you were supposed to pack your luggage by now.” she said merrily.

 “When did you come? We didn’t hear you!” I said. me & J were sitting by each other’s side and holding the blanket tight to hide our naked bodies.

Meg came to me and kissed me gently trying to pull the blanket.

“Nooooo” I shouted. “Give us 10 more minutes”

 “& you think that’s gonna be enough for you” she winked at J.

“at least we can try” I replied.

“nope, I give you a minute to get outta bed and go” she turned her back to us as if our only minute was started.

” fuck you, at least go outta the room so we can get dressed” I demanded.

 ” errr, you’ve been very bad boys and you gotta pack right now so you have no time to fuck me” then she stuck her tongue out at me  and made a bee line for the door.

 As she left, I turned to J, touching his cock under the blanket, he was as hard as me. ” do you think we have enough time?” I asked stroking his cock.

Meg knocked on the door:” I’m comiiiinnnnnggggg boys”

 ” No” J shouted, jumping outta  bed, we got dressed as quickly as we could.

 

It’s hard to live in this homophobic society, and it’s gonna be much harder when you’re a gay dad in a straight marriage.

Being grown up in a quite religious family when the masturbation was a big sin, loving someone the same sex would end in eternal hell where no one and nothing could save you.

I’m not anti-religion and I think to some extent humans must believe in something or otherwise they’re dead bodies walking, eating and doing other things without any meaning and a meaningless life, no matter how colorful, is not worth living.

It took me a while to understand my own feelings and a lot longer to decide what my sexuality was. At first I tried to change the attitude towards homosexuality in my family, honestly I didn’t get to any point and not only they didn’t accepted my sexuality, they treated me in a way I forgot about having any relatives and all.

Some of my friends did the same, while some others tried to convince me that homosexuality never existed and it was just an illusion made by my sick brain.

I gave up trying to change others and instead I started living my life as straight as possible, sometimes hanging with bi-guys for a change.

Though you might change your face with a better one using plastic surgery, it’s almost impossible to change your sexuality unless you do something to your genitals.

One of the most important things in my life is my daughter; I try hard to be a good dad no matter what happens. When I met the man of my dreams, I wasn’t really sure how far we could go.

Though quite hurt, my loving wife let me go as far as I wanted and it was too far, I almost got lost. Little by little I learned to handle my gay feelings in a way that neither hurt my boy friend nor my wife because I needed both of them.

As the feelings between me and my boy friend became deeper, I realized our relation was threatening my married life to some extent, “did I really want to get farther?” I wondered.

When the passion was over, it was me, my boyfriend and a family to support.” should I choose between them or like before I had to make a choice?” this was the question always bugging me.

When my in-laws decided to pay us a visit, I was sure I didn’t want my boyfriend around because I needed some time for explaining and making my own excuses. I was afraid of their reaction because feeling retarded wasn’t anything on my menu this time.

Unfortunately things didn’t go on the way I wanted and my in-laws met my boyfriend before I could defend my feelings.

To my surprise they treated me as usual, even better than before. As far as I could love my family unintentionally, there was no problem loving another one the same sex.

I’m thankful to my wife and her family for accepting me the way I am, not the way I pretended.  Surely it may sound more bisexual than homosexual when you try to love both sex but when the love is different, you’re only interested in your own wife and no other woman, but your boy friend can be replaced with some better guys, you certainly are a fag and you have to deal with it.

And I’ve been wondering about so many homophobic people surrounding the gay society.

“Why is it so hard to accept someone else the way they are, not the way you want?”

“What’s wrong with loving someone the same sex?”

“Are they afraid of a big homosexual society with no kids in it?”

“Ain’t this world too populated that a GLBT society won’t be a threat?”

“Why is it so disgusting to have gay couples among your friends?”

“Which one is a bigger sin: throwing your own child outta family for his/ her sexuality or incest sex?”

I hate those jackass people pretending they agree with all those homosexual thoughts but when they find out their teenage boy is seriously in love with another boy, they make him leave his house or change his mind.

Ain’t it too stupid for the same citizen not having the same rights when he/she marries with someone the same sex?

I know it was a lot harder for my in-laws to accept my sexuality but they did; and now I have to fight for my own rights against my aunts and uncles.

A married couple has definite right, what’s the difference between a straight marriage and same-sex marriage?!

I don’t know whether it is religions that make people allergic to homosexuals or they’re perverts who can’t handle their own shit.

I know there is something very wrong in the American society and it’s something that can be fixed. 

Why no one at school tells homosexual teenagers how to handle their feelings and have safe sex with the ones they love? Wouldn’t it be much easier to control AIDS without anti-homosexual education at schools?

I rest my case; weekend’s coming and I have to think of a way to get rid of my boyfriend or I have to do as he says cos I lost the bet.

 

 

And i’m in their list, yippppppppeeeeee . am i a writer now?

This Week’s Picks
You’re So Dirty When You’re Clean. ( http://middleurge.blogspot.com)
“The side of your hand slipping along her pussy lips. Her laugh, a mix of I-knew-it and do-that-more.”

Before ( http://thismuse.blogspot.com)
“Condoms and lube go into the bedside drawer next to the Bible. Purse into the drawer with clothes, whore-bag into the closet with my street shoes.”

Rude Bits: Tracy Quan on the Raunch Debate (http://susiebright.blogs.com)

“If someone is making money off your body, you should too.”

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romanheart.jpg

*:”thanks, it was a good night. we’re gonna meet again, right?”

# counting the extras:”yeah sure, why not?”

*:”can we meet this saturday?”

#:”let’s discuss it later, i gotta check my calender.”

*:”k, bye then.”

and how much i hated idiot johns like, *, when trying to act nothing has happened and ending their conversation with nice words.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Being tied to the bed, struggling with the pain, looking for a way to get rid of the addiction: I HAD ENOUGH TIME TO THINK, to review, to remind myself who i was, who i am and who i will be.

i wasn’t born a whore, actually i had one of those wonderful families with caring parents. my best mate was my dad and sometimes i feel he was the only one in this world i felt so close. both my parents were graduated from good universities, we weren’t rich but almost alway i had whatever i wanted so i’m quite spoiled.i went to good schools but most of ’em cramming religious stuff to weekly lessons. i read bible and went to church every Sunday.

i was so dependent to my parents, suddenly my house of dreams turned into ruin, i had no where to go, i was lost and nobody cared cos i was old enough to stand on my own feet and i hated God. i remembered all those fucking moral lessons so i took the road going left cos it was said the road on the right side ended to his fucking paradise.

Sex, the big taboo in my life then looked so fascinating. i could see all roads ended there and though painful the first time it still looked mysterious and and inner will asked me to give it another chance to exist.

some thought i was genius, i ignored them. but in the end i was the one who got the scholarship to prove that i didn’t need anyone’s help or sympathy, to prove i wanted my uncle dead, to prove he wasn’t my dad so he had no right to decide for me, to prove i was better than him and to prove i could do terrible things to his family right under his nose without him noticing. & it was no pleasure when after so many years i told him me and his daughter fucked each other more than he could count, it was a silly revenge that cost me a dirty soul that could never been cleaned.

the first time i did it the only reason was being too drunk and too curious but later i did it for the money. it’s easy to say, it looks like nothing when you watch in those XXX movies but actually the very first times are not that easy. you’re just selling your body to worthless drunkards who hardly remember their own names to gain what? just 50$ if lucky.

you could smell alcohol on my breath and i denied drinking; you could see empty syringe by my bed and i found it insulting to be considered a junkie, you could see the cum dripping from my butt and i refused to admit being a cheap  pro.  and how silly i was.

I don’t remember how i survived; well i do but i don’t wanna recall.

my soul is restless, my brain switches between moods and feelings so quickly sometimes my body can’t adjust and i found a few reasons to explain my bad behavior, the best and the most favorite is suffering from bipolar disorder. WTF! those who’re familiar with it, know it can be a trigger but not a reason, so i’m a shameless lier.

And the pain, sometimes it gets so intense i wanna die and well that’s the thing i want most of my days.

it was so ridiculous they didn’t fire me from university and it was a worse joke telling me i was graduated!

i loved kids but never thought of having one of my own, i enjoyed dating girls, calling some of them “girl friend” but i never wanted a female creature in my life, even the sex with them was a mean of masturbatory  aid. Getting my ass involved in a straight marriage was never on my list.  And i always tried to look at guys as a mean for earning easy money, how could i love a guy when the word gay wasn’t defined in my homophobic dictionary!

i still remember my first serious relation with a guy, we weren’t of the same kind yet i loved him. i still remember the feeling of envy i had meeting the gay couple living on the last story of the little creepy place i shared with a black guy.

She must be a magician, she must have poisoned me, she must have stolen my soul and made me dependent to her breath to live another moment. she slipped into my life quietly, introducing herself as a room mate. then she named herself a “good shoulder to cry on”. and now she owns me or at least she as my soul though there are times she can’t own my body or mind.

she looked so much like a human,  so she deceived me easily into handing her the key to my heart. my heart was filled with hatred, she cleaned it and put her love there. i told her there shouldn’t be any girl in my heart cos i was so gay, she smiled and said:”homosexuality is a choice” i betrayed her, hit her, cheated on her, insulted her. she stared at my eyes telling me my eyes were still innocent.

i left her to meet some fresh guys, to heal my gay feelings, to prove myself that my heart had no place for her, she showed me a very little ugly creature and called it “my child.

i told her that child wasn’t mine, it was a bastard. she gave me reasons i couldn’t deny. she said the baby wasn’t a bastard cos she had a dad and i was her dad. i told her i wasn’t born  to be a parent. she insisted and i told her i’d rather die than being her dad. i didn’t want to be her dad so i tried to kill her dad. why i survived, i still don’t know; may be it was her prayers that saved my shitty life.

i left her with her ugly child, looking for more guys to fuck, to sooth the never ending hunger of my inner lust. i enjoyed working in a gay bar, the money wasn’t so good but at least i could show my lustful body.

she prayed and prayed and prayed nights and days not to have me back but to save my soul. So i met a very hot guy that the first thing i wanted to do was to rip his pants off and  do his ass. he turned out to be my guardian angel, so pure i never dared touching him and he kicked my ass really hard that when with lotta trouble i managed to stand on my own feet, i was walking in a path full of lights, it was the right path i didn’t take years ago to show Mr. almighty i wasn’t his puppet.

i tried to be someone else, to love Mr. almighty, to love his creatures, to love my soul. it was a good experience i have to admit. Islam was a good inhibitor for me that put a big “don’t touch” sign on many things. i enjoyed some of them so i’m gonna stick to them for the rest of my life. But it seems i was born gay if not slut.

i was sure there won’t be any human being on this planet that could love me; i was wrong! and i hurt many of those caring humans. i tried to be as straight as possible but that’s not on my list. i love my boy friend but not as much as my family. and i enjoyed his escorting job though it was very sick for a married man that no matter i enjoy fucking random genius guys, i put it on my “never-done-again” list.

And i spent the rest of the night thinking and thinking and thinking. Thinking about the girl who enchanted me with her never-ending love. i even went through some old blog entries and i dunno who the fuck writes like this on his wedding day:

let’s stop for a second, kick everyone around then shout as loud as you can.

life’s so boringly mysterious.

congrats to myself.

i ate 2 ice-creams; watched Marilyn Manson, Korn & Kittie for 3-4 hours & finished my template.

beside that i only slept 2 hours cos i couldnt sleep!

wow im so happy. have a terrible headache; feel everything’s spinning round my head & see everything in the style of 3 year ol’ kids drawings!

could i have a better day than this!

let’s rock the world, i wanna turn the speakers up so i can shake the whole house, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, i love ittttttttttttt! (shout please)

im gonna make you, shake you ,take you, im ganna be the one who breaks youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

& this for the day after his marriage:

when nightmares come true

marilyn manson(the nobodies).JPG

i always thought of a time machine when i was a little boy; i didnt want it to go to past but to future.

i really wanted to know what would happen to me when i grow up.

obviously if we knew what’s waiting for us in the future,…….. fill the rest the way you like!

i aint gonna say anymore.

 i have a calender hanging in my room & it shows april 6th 2006; omg that means im getting older each day; there’s no time machine & as a result no future !lol

jus imagine if one of your nightmares come true; how would you feel?

if you could choose which nightmare come true, what would you choose?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while & the conclusion is my real nightmare had come true without me noticing!

seems i missed the point; no other chance to choose.

ok better change this guy singing foolishly in my ears; he’s driving me crazy.

i’m sick of myself cos i don’t wanna confess i didn’t mention Alexis existence before deciding to have another baby and there are lots of more not to be mentioned!

and now my wife’s colleagues refer to me as a caring dad and a responsible husband, if only they knew what a devil lives behind that innocent mask!

all i want now is to get rid of this excruciating pain and get back to work, finish my fucking contract and go back to where i belon. somewhere i have more time to play with my little girl and annoy my wife!

*. if you know what kinda creature i am, please let me know!

caution: this is a long post and probably i won’t post tomorrow so read this as much as you like and leave the rest for the next day  :-)if i wanna summarize my life this week it would be something like this:

1. spent an hour after work with my boy friend as described in some previous post

2. the next day Meg called me at work telling me i’d better go home a.s.a.p. cos something had happened to Alexis but she didn’t tell me what it was no matter how much i insisted.
my fucking boss didn’t want to let me go cos i still had an incomplete report on my desk. cut the long story short. i had to drive 1.5 hours to get home and nobody answered the phone at home, i dunno how other people feel in these situations but i felt horrible and i thought of all the bad things i could think of. at last i called J and told him go find Meg no matter how hard it was.
he’s such a dear friend, he called me as i took route … saying that there wasn’t anything serious but it’d be better to stop by the hospital.
i was really terrified and felt extremely miserable. i know i have no right to think of horrible things but that’s the way my mind works, it thinks of the worst possible situations. i dunno whether it was me who found J or the other way round, in a flash of light Alexis was in my arms, her little foot & arm wrapped in bandage and daddy looking for somewhere to buy her “yum” (a word for gum made by her)
i really spoiled her or as one of Meg’s colleagues said, she’s so dependent on her dad.
Alexis is doing fine now , she even woke up the next day to say bye to daddy and Meg took a day off to watch our little disaster.
you know Alexis is a real cute, lively, mobile disaster,;her mom was trying to make her some eggs when this lady asked for “loolet” (she’s addicted to chocolates like her dad, fuck her bad dad then!)
you know she repeats one word continuously till you’re really up the wall and wanna shut her mouth up, she looks sweet at first but extremely annoying some times.
so she asked her mom to give her “loolet” and her mom told her she can’t have any cos she had a big bar of chocolate  in the morning.
she cried and shouted and disturbed her mom that outta nowhere the burning fried egg fell on her arm and foot. thanks heaven nothing happened to her face and the burning is not severe.
when i arrived she was crying and Meg looked like a very worried mom so much like this *~* LOL
thanks God nothing serious happened, we’re very lucky parents, ain’t we?

3. the following day: i’m not this kinda lazy irresponsible parent but as far as i am a human, +60 hours works put lotta stress that i can’t tolerate normally, let alone enjoying one of those depressive episodes that i always have trouble digging outta ’em in very happy times of my life. in addition,there’s Miss naughty Alexis and the mess she makes and the fact that i do love my daughter more than my wife and other people in this fucking world!(should i mention i have to worry about my wife too?!)

i added a few more items to worry about cos apparently the stress and tension wasn’t enough for me.

a) the aforementioned friend of mine who has AIDS and i have to call him every so often to make sure he’s doing fine.

b) a teenage co-worker that lives with her old granny two houses away from mine. she’s a good girl, just 18 years old but really sick of her life and i have to show her that she has a lot to do with her life, or there’s no reason to hate her parents though they are such assholes dumping their own child to look for their own pleasure (her life’s a good soap that can bring tears to your eyes easily) & the ridiculous thing is i’m not the appropriate person to advise her cos i’m too suicidal myself 😉

c) J, he’s worrying me to death and as long as i blame myself on his current situation i have to help him. i told him we can be partners and friends if he quit escorting and drinking ( i let him smoke cos i sometimes do it myself so i cant ask him quit something i still do). he accepted my terms beside some other personal requests and then he had lotta  free time doing nothing so i should help him find a job no matter what it was just to keep him busy then he could find a good job later and i did help him find a job in the company i work for.

d) my relatives including my granny and brothers & in-laws. it’s so silly i miss my in-laws badly.

surely i’m not a good shoulder to lean on, and actually this much stress was more than i could tolerate.

So today i made lotta terrible mistakes like: doing wrong tests on wrong samples, confusing ASTM, DIN & EN standards. calling a cold worked sheet with 1.25% lead CK06 then typed 13% carbon in its element analysis and a lot more.

till lunch time i have fought and argued with any living creature in the section i work and i called my boss very bad names (yes i’m not really polite but i never call somebody that way!) and i had piles of reports to be handed before 2 pm, i felt dizzy, confused and the headache was killing me and not to mention other problems i had with my body for several days. it was my worst working day and i was turning it too unbearable for others.

i handed most of the reports and then went for the lunch cos i felt so sick and couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore. i even spent a good fucking 10 minutes in the men’s room puking and i didn’t feel any better.

when i got back to my desk, my boss was waiting for me so i readied myself for a good verbal fight. to my surprise he panted on my shoulder and told me it’d be better to go home and let others finish everything[ this guy didn’t let me go home a bit early last night when i was hell worried for Alexis]

the fact was that J had talked to my boss and gave him 1000 reasons why i felt and acted so bad, even apologizing him on behalf of me.

getting bored? ok read the rest tomorrow, i’m gonna continue cos i have to organize my brain.

me & J went to my fukcing doc, the lovely guy i was supposed to meet last week but i was too busy to waste sometime on myself. at least i’ve taken the blood, lithium… tests last week but i didn’t get the answers, but J did.

What i have done to my body: the feeling of decaying from inside was sorta true cos actually i was taking too much lithium* (a little more than15-20mg per kg of body weight) cos of losing 2 lbs! this wasn’t a serious case of intoxication and i’m doing a bit better.  worse than that some wise guy called me took lotta sleeping pills and pain killers in the past few months for different reasons that i got a positive for being a junkie.

yeah i know i have gone way too far from my limits for no good reason. surely keeping our house is not worth any of these.

so: i’m gonna take tomorrow off to spend a while with my doc thinking of a way to return things to what is called “normal” and i’m gonna have a hard time again!  then i’m going back to work next week no matter what happens and after that i have 2 fucking weeks off to fuck myself and any random guy (not really) then back to my shitty life again.

at the moment i’m enjoying one of those super awake times, so i think i’d better do something or read my “paradise lost” or may be wake J up after midnight and then call my bros and it’s gonna be a long night and i feel so sick, all i want is puke my brain and stomach!

aha, at last i managed to put a musher’s pic here,this is Ramey Smyth’s team arriving at the McGrath checkpoint on the Kuskokwim River on Wednesday morning.

iditarod.jpg

and how much i miss Kuskokwim 😦 , i cant imagine i’ve been living  in this icy hell for almost a year now, time to pee! if you feel bored and can’t sleep or don’t have much to do, i’d be glad receiving some e+mail.**

*. check these on google or other places if you wanna know more about lithium:Carbolith®, Cibalith-S®, Duralith®, Eskalith®, Lithane®, Lithizine®, Lithobid®, Lithonate®, Lithotabs® and Maniprex®

**.i’m not really feeling good.

note about me: been chatting with a few guys and gals and some asked me questions that i think i have to answer:

1. i live in Anchorage, Alaska with my family not my boy friend who i love lots!

2. lithium carbonate is a mood stabilizer  prescribed for people with bipolar disorder (check other posts or simply google it if you don’t know what kinda bitch it is!)

3. as said before, i have a degree in materials science and engineering and my job is nothing secret so i copy paste part of my e-mail to a dear friend of mine telling what i do for the living:i work for a material research center.
we have different sections like polymer, SEM & STEM,XRD, analytical chemistry, chemistry, foundry, quanta-metry , mechanical metallurgy and metallography.
it’s gonna take a day long to tell you what each part do but generally speaking we analyze the elements , grains, crystalline and casting structure, testing mechanical properties…. for metals and some polymers.
i work in the mechanical section, each material specifically metals and alloys have their own standards, we work with ASTM (american standard) most of the times but sometimes we have to try it with DIN (for germany) JSI (japanese) Euro-norm, BS (british) & a few more i cant remember at the moment, aha we use API for gas pipes and some other standards for beams, rods….
in each standard the preparation of samples are explained like the length of gages and airs  in  tensile samples.
we do many tests like impact (charpy & izod), tensile, bending, proof load, nick break, cupping …. to determine several characteristics of materials like U.T.S (ultimate tensile stress) or Y.S.  and see if our samples meet the properties in the standards.
for steels we use a special book called “key to steels” and there’s something quite like that for wrought aluminum, cast irons have their own standards.
there are a lot more we do but i think it’s gonna bore you, i just wanted to give you a brief view of what i exactly do.
that’s for my job and generally about material engineering, surely it’s a lot more than that.
actually in material engineering, experience talks  first then it’s the knowledge and books, so the more experienced you are, the more money you earn. it’s sorta empirical science but i like to learn more in designing molds and simulations. i think that’s what i wanna study later for my master’s.

*. under 18? get outta here right now, i wrote this post yesterday but i dunno what the fcuk is wrong with my other blog, i can load any page except the writing page. some might not like this but it’s actually based on my time with my boyfriend having fun & me trying to improve my writing skills ;-)*************

The silver sky slowly turned into darker colors as I looked outside the window.
“Just one more hour and then I can be home, this time earlier than the other days.” I wondered.
It was just another 1.5-hour drive on icy slippery roads and then a warm welcoming house and a hot delicious dinner were waiting for me. So I pressed the gas pedal harder to speed up.
My cell phone was ringing non-stop and it was really driving me up the wall.
I pulled over to the shoulder to see who was the one dying to talk to me.
“Hallo, who’s buggin’ me?” I asked.
“Do you mind stoppin’ an hour by my little hut of yours?” the voice from the other end asked. I took a look at my watch, I could be home an hour later than expected and it was still earlier than other nights so I replied:” ok, I ma’give you some time” the caller thanked and hung up.
I parked my truck and ran to his door as if I was late but actually I was 10 minutes early.
The place looked pretty dark except the candle lights waving dimly at passers-by. I looked around, no one was out there in the dark, I pushed the door open and there he was sitting on the sofa watching T.V.
“Hey, jus one hour and that’s all. So whydya call?” I said.
He smiled widely, turning his head to me:” hi babe, you’re a bit early so can we spend more time together?”
“Nope, you know the rules!” I frowned.
He looked quite disappointed: “Deal, jus one fucking hour; and should I pay first?”
Grinning happily I said:” we’re gonna discuss it later!”
He put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me closer so I could smell his scent that is something enchanting for me.
I tried to say something about what I felt but he put his tender lips on mine and gave me no chance to talk.
I parted my lips and let him slip his tongue into my waiting mouth, our tongued danced happily together, I tasted his sweet lips and then entered his mouth, I could feel the freshness there, and the whole sensation was great.
We stopped for a while trying to stare at each others eyes and reading thoughts.
I couldn’t stay like that for long, I whispered “I love you babe” and I licked his cheeks then bit his luscious lips.
“Umm you taste good but we have just one hour to be together” I told him as I was running my fingers round his neck.
He tried to lick my lips as I tried to get away from him.
“Fuck it; I thought you didn’t mind spending a few hours with me.” He claimed.
I smiled looking at his dark blue eyes,” I’d love to but that’s gonna cost you more, may be your head for instance!”
“Fuck yo, if you have to go, and then let’s hurry up!” I agreed and he grabbed my hand and led me to his dark bedroom.
Blinking a few times, we were used to the darkness inside the bedroom and we could see things pretty well.
“You’re a real whore.” He whispered to my ear.
I said:” I know” then kissed his neck, grabbed his sweater and pulled it. I wanted to go for his jeans but he took my hands away, going for his drawer and taking a box of condoms from there.

I went for the lights, the darkness was great but I wanted to see what we were doing.
In a flash of light we got rid of the things covering our bodies.
Both took a deep breath and simultaneously shouted:” you’re so hard”
It was funny both of us were so horny.
“I’ve been thinking of you all day” he said as he pushed me on his comfy bed.
“So did me” I paused then went on: “let’s get down to business then, heads or tails”
“I think heads” he answered thoughtfully.
“Sure?” I asked.
“Yeah, go on” he said lying on the bed beside me.
I moved between his legs, touching his knees then I touched his thighs several times before squeezing his balls with my fingers.
“stop playing, get into action” he asked.
I licked top of his beautiful cock, then making circles on the head and licking the whole length.
he grabbed my head and shouted:” do your job now or you won’t get any!”
I took a look at a clock hanging on the wall, he was right, time was passing so fast.
I bit & licked his cock a few times and then I let it slip in my hungry mouth ready to feel his hard cock.
I had to try several times before I could take him completely, as soon as he was fully in my mouth; we found a rhythm of a good fuck.
He fucked my mouth for several minutes, we were breathing hard, and then he said:” I can’t hold it anymore, I’m cumming”
I sucked him harder, bit him a few times and there was no return for him, his muscles tightened and I tasted his juices in my mouth, it was a strong load I almost choked on his shot.
He collapsed on the bed; I took a deep breath then moved to him, rubbing my painful cock on his body, I was so hard, harder than the time I stepped into his place.
I inserted my tongue into his mouth and let him taste his own juice.
Tasting his own sperm, I could feel his member stiffening again. I put my hand on his groin, moving it up and down; he closed his eyes and let out a deep moan.
I kissed him on his lips, my hand still jerking him off, and then kissed his cheeks.
I moved down to his little hard nipples, I sucked his right nipple and played with the left one, my other hand still working on his hard cock.
I slowed down and put my weight on my elbows so I could take a look at his face.
He was enjoying himself, his eyes closed and panting heavily. I moved down again and started sucking his wonderful dick standing proud and hard.
I slipped a finger in his hole.
“How do you feel?” I asked
He tried to say something but it looked so hard as I inserted another finger into his tight ass.
I sucked his cock one more time, and then pulled my fingers away.
“Bitch finger-fuck me right now” he ordered.
I grabbed his balls again and squeezed them really hard; he let out a loud groan.
I put his cock in my mouth, inserting2 fingers into his ass, this time fucking him really hard.
He grabbed my head again pushing it hard against his balls, I was sucking him really hard and my fingers couldn’t go any farther. I put the third finger in his hole and he couldn’t take it any longer. He came as intense as the first time.
I licked the last drop of cum, this time I swallowed every drop. Then kissed him on the lips and jumped outta bed, I got dressed as quickly as possible, but I have to struggle with my hard-on, it didn’t want to go inside my pants.
I waved him good-bye and kissed him again, he looked exhausted.
“Wish you had more time” he said sadly, putting his hand on my hard thing trying to stroke it.
I gasped for some air, “may be next time, and tonight was jus yours and I have one more place to go.”
We kissed each other one last time and I headed for the door.

yesterday wasn’t simply my day and it seems today is no better.
i dunno it’s cos of the dull weather or meeting my teacher and recalling things i didn’t like or another bipolar depression or it’s only because of the bad news i received.
i avoided everyone as much as i could, i avoided trees, cars, sun, snow, ice, Alexis’ little smiles, an old excited teacher, Meg’s sweet words, lunch, dinner , breakfast but i couldn’t avoid myself. it just didn’t let me go and his bitter smiles, his disgusting tone, his bad habits, …make me sick, make feel sick to death, make me think that i’m one of those shitty creepy worthless creatures that must be tied to an electric chair right away.
i don’t look at myself in the mirror cos he’s ugly, he’s dirty, he’s disgusting, he’s sick.
he’s hurting me so bad that i have no idea how i can get rid of him. should call 911, should i find an assassin ? does it worth the trouble?
i spent most of yesterday outside cos i knew my bitter tongue would says things that the ending would be annoying arguments.
i put the most indifferent mask i have on, i try to look nice, clean, smelling good, smiling at any asshole crossing the street.
on my organizer i found a little note about my old teacher and we were supposed to meet her in the same restaurant we met the first time; i took a look at the jar on the vanity, it was almost empty, just 20 bucks and a few coins and that wasn’t enough for a night out.
i went straight to the kitchen and asked Meg if she mind cooking lunch for my teacher as well.
she gave me one of those meaningless grins and i interpreted it as a yes, so i called Ms. X and asked her to have lunch with us.
the place looked clean cos me and Meg cleaned it early morning and Alexis was still in bed so there was no toy on the floor.
i made a bee line for the door, there wasn’t anything in the house that must be done by me.
“where ya goin?” Meg asked as i opened the door.
me:”to hell”
Meg:”then stay there forever”
me:” i’m gonna try but you know they won’t keep me there for long”
i spent the next two hours walking up and down the streets, all i wanted was a cup of coffee to drown myself in it.
i was thinking of that terrible phone call.
-:” so what was the result?”
?:”positive”
-:what?”
the positive word was repeating in my head so loud i was sure it’s gonna explode.
and how much i wished that positive thing was something really positive.
his tone frightened me, he was so young, so lively so cool and now i was looking at him drowning in the most positive hell and i was there and watching him and doing nothing than saying :” i’m sorry bud, you’re gonna be fine, it’s not that bad!”
and to whom i am lying, it is that bad!
all day i thought about what a friend told me a few days ago
“the true story is that you “want” to sell yourself.you are hurting your soul.”

the images kept on coming and going, moving fast, then slow, then fast, words echoing in my head. “you’re a bastard keith” that’s what Meg told me once.

i drove all the way to Ms. X place, picked her up and tried to tell her as many jokes as i could remember, she was happy, i was drowning gradually.
the lunch was great, everything Meg makes if not burnt by me tastes yummy.

it was going to be a good afternoon, recalling old happy childhood, Ms. X told Meg what a naughty boy i was. “i think he climbed all the trees round his school, didn’t you keith?”
i was trying to find Alexis teddy bear behind the sofa. “i guess i tried most of them”

Meg looked astonished.
Ms. X reviewed more of her past or let’s say our past, she talked about my letters with so many mistakes and meaningless unfinished sentences, she always sent me my corrected mail.

then again age 16, bodies, shouts, cries, sirens, uurrghh i’m sick of recalling that night & she wanted to know how they died. “is it really that important?” i wondered.
i tried my best not to drop a tear and the day looked shitty again.
i summarized my last 10 years into a few long sentences and then disappeared with Alexis to play hide & sick. i felt sick so sick. i looked at those Prozac pills in the closet, then some sleeping pills, then Alexis, then the extra dosage of lithium. i wanted to puke myself, he was bothering me again.
i was singing :”mary had a little fucking lamb” and Alexis repeated in her crazy way.
“why should i care about Mary’s lamb?”

“Keith” Meg called me after a while, it was time for coffee, my worst addiction.
you must be insane to drink coffee when you have sleeping problems.
I went to kitchen to pour myself some coffee.
Meg & Ms. X were talking about something i could hardly hear, it was more like whispers.
then they talked louder.
meg:” i dunno, sometimes it annoys me, you know he’s Bi”
Ms. X. “oh” then she sighed and added ” he used to be a good boy, he was just…..”
i shouted:” who ya talkin about?”
Meg stared at me, sniffed then said:” you”
“i’m not Bi”
Meg put her finger on her nose and made a voiceless shush.
Ms X looked up, she was crying, i brought her a box of tissues, she put her hand on mine, it was so warm or mine is so cold or as Meg says i’m a walking body always cold.
Ms. X. whispered:” why keith? why you? you were so good, so kind, so…….”
i interrupted her:” why me what?” and i knew what she was talking about.
i went on:” what’s wrong with loving another man?”
“but you’re married keith” she replied
“so?”
she didn’t say anything, she just looked in my eyes and her looks were deep, heavy, unbearable.
i looked elsewhere. the atmosphere was so tense, i looked at Meg asking for her help.
” do you want milk with your coffee?” at last Meg asked.
” no thanks”
she drank her coffee, we exchanged looks for a while and then she said she had to go.
“i’m gonna take you home” taking my parka.
“no i can go on my own” she was avoiding me obviously.
Meg went to the bedroom to change her clothes and i put on some clothes on Alexis.
Ms. X was standing by the door, i unlocked the car and seated Alexis on the back seat, she was singing happily cos she likes going out, i handed Meg my keys and opened the front door for Ms. X. Meg started the engine. “i wanna visit one of my friends” she said.
“ok, are you coming back for the dinner?” i asked
” i think so, i ‘m gonna call.”she answered.
i turned to Ms. X ” thanks for coming, visit us more”
she just said ” thanks, bye”
i shut the door then waved them goodbye, then i went inside our house turned off the lights, closed the door and headed for some nearby mall, i needed people, i needed noise, i needed to feel life was still going on.
i called that friend on my way and it took really long before he answered that worried me.
-:” hey, how ya? still alive?
?:”yes, thanks, so how was your little party?”
-:” good, you should have come!” -you lying bitch, you don’t wanna see him again- i thought.
?:” i have a headache”
-:”take some aspirin then”
?:”ok, i will, where are you now, i called your home and no one picked”
-:”oh yeah, i’m out”
?:” can you come visit me?”
-:”eerrr i’d love to but i’m a bit busy right now” {i was trying to avoid him as much as possible and he sensed it}
?:” ok then, have a good time”
-:” do you need anything?”
?:”just hugs”
-:”hihihi, that’s cool, bye, stay sic”
he hung up without saying good-bye, it was so wrong of me to say ‘stay sick’
walking in the cold icy sidewalks of here always make me feel like embracing death, “dead of cold” may be that’s another way of committing suicide.
i spent the rest of the day thinking about the word “positive”
it looked so disgusting to me. i could give him the hug he needed, it was just a hug and nobody gets AIDS by hugging a fully dressed man.
i’m sick of myself, i’m sick of this world, he’s too young, he could have a good life but now all he has is a dark future.
i thought of Ms. X’s tears, Meg said she felt so sorry for me, actually she wanted to call and advise me to change myself but Meg told me it wasn’t the right time cos one of my friends had an accident and i’m not in good moods.
wish he had an accident but life goes on, he’s still too young so he can build himself a different future, he can keep strong!
*****************
and i hate the word “positive”
it could be me, it could be me, couldn’t it?
this hollow is so shallow, this hole is sick, this place is so dark, this man is bleeding
and that fucking positive result could be mine.
why everyone in this room is naked?!

*. if you’re under 18 click the X on the right corner please, I don’t want your moms to leave insulting comments here!
He’s been taking that bus almost every day to go to school but that day it was so crowded and the sun was shining brightly stabbing his rays on his body, he made one last effort to get inside and the door pushed closed.
Not only the bus was exploding with people; the roads were covered with immobile cars. He took a look at his watch. “Oh no, I’m gonna be late today” he murmured.
The bus slowly found its way through the traffic, whizzzz the door opened and he had to get outta the bus to let other passengers exit.
Many got out and he found enough space to stand at the end of the bus easily, and again the vehicle started its snail like movements. “20 more minutes, or I’m gonna be really late” he thought when he took a quick look at the clock in the middle of the square infronna him.
He grabbed a book from his back pack and started reading a few pages to forget passing of time, he had to write down a report based on the book beside the exam he had early that morning.
Again the door opened “shit, fuck the driver, does he have to cram so many people in?!”
The bus again got full of people, he focused on his book.
he tried to concentrate but he felt something warm pressing against his bottom, he turned his head to look around, a guy was standing right behind him with a piece of “New York time’s” in his hand and apparently reading something interesting cause he didn’t even look at him. “Fuck this shitty life, it’s so hot and crowded” he wondered then tried to find the line he was reading.
“When used as part of the common name for an organism that is not a heteropteran……………”
‘Oh holy shit’ that guy was pushing his body on his again.
He tried his best to ignore his existence “for an organism……..”
He heard the sound of paper from behind, “he wanna get out at last” was the thought came to his mind.
The door opened again, he watched people getting out but there was no sign of him. The door closed and the bus headed to its final destination where he had to run all the way to his school and surely he was already late for his entomology class.
He took a look at his watch ” oh heavens it’s 5 to 8″
Even if he could run as fast as the wind he couldn’t be at school earlier than 15 of 8.
“….heteropteran, the word bug is usually not separated—e.g., ladybug a member of the beetle order Coleoptera-….” he looked out to see where he was and then to the driver, the bus was still so crowded that was quite hard to breathe in such a hot day.
“mealybug (a homopteran), doodlebug (a neuropteran larva)…” he repeated in his mind ” so mealybug is a homopteran… ooooooooohh” he felt something going up and down his ass chick.
For a few seconds he closed his eyes, bit his lower lip and took a deep breath, then reached for his back with his hand to see what was bugging him.
“oouch” he felt someone else’s hand as he was squeezing his left ass chick.
He put his hand on the invader’s hands, then turned his head and some of his body “holy fuck, it was the guy with the papers in his hand”
the stranger smiled and asked:” whacha reading?” his hand was still on his ass.
“Something about bugs” the boy answered.
The stranger started making circles on his back “and ain’t you supposed to be at school by now?”
He had a strange feeling in his groin, ” yes and I know I’m a bit late”
The bus slowed down, the stranger inserted a finger inside his jeans “smooth, you have a tender skin”
The bus stopped at last and one by one people got outta it. He was enjoying the sensation but he had to get out so the stranger pulled his hand away from his body.
He jumped down and put his book back in his backpack. Now the stranger guy was standing beside him looking at his watch.
“When are you supposed to be at school?” he asked as they began walking in the direction the boy took every day to get to school.
“8, sir and i have to go now cause I have an exam and already late!” he answered increasing his pace.
“Yes, surely you’re late, well too late because it’s 20 past 8” the stranger grinned trying to catch with him.
The boy stopped and took a look at his watch, yeah it was really late, there was at least 10 minutes to school from where he was standing & the teacher was so strict that wouldn’t let him take the exam.
“Right, sir” he sighed “but i have to go to school any way, I have other classes too” and began walking again now making some distance from the stranger.
the stranger took a few fast steps now walking side to side, “you know…..” they passed a dead-end street, the stranger pushed him inside, then went on” you look cute, how old are you?”
The boy felt quite frightened and started taking some steps back and keeping some distance between himself and that guy.
he kept on walking backward and the stranger got closer till he felt the wall against his back, there was no where to go and he was trapped.
“I have to go” he murmured it was a dark place and at that time the street looked so empty. “where had all those people gone?” he wondered, then looked around examining the whole place with his eyes, he could escape if he acted fast.
The stranger stopped and took a look at his eyes as if trying to read his mind.
The boy could feel sweat drops running down his spine.
“i don’t wanna harm you, babe” the stranger said at last trying to calm the boy down.
Now he was standing right infronna him and he felt too frightened to escape.
The stranger put his hand on his shoulder and pressed him against the wall “I jus wanna see a few things”
“Please lemme go” the boy begged him.
“It won’t take too long, ok?”
May be it was a good idea to scream for help but nobody could hear him. He thought it was worth trying so he opened his mouth and shouted as loud as he could “hhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………” the stranger put his hand on his mouth.
“nice try young man, but nobody gonna hear you so better stop struggling.”
“What do you want from me?” the boy asked with trembling voice.
“Nothing much, just I want you to unzip your jeans and show me whacha hiding there” he simpered.
The boy felt extremely helpless
“Please, lemme go!”
“Com’on outta your pants, right now” the stranger ordered.
“I beg you” he cried, putting his hands infronna his body to protect himself.
“I beg you” the stranger imitated his voice “you’re such a pussy, stop acting so effeminate” he hit him against the wall and grabbed hold of his pants trying to rip it.
His jeans fell to the floor infronna his tearful eyes, now he was struggling with his pants.
“noooo” the boy made his last attempt to escape, he pushed the stranger and started to run keeping an eye on the attacker, “yeah” he thought and then bang, something hit his head.
The world started orbiting round his head, fast, fast and faster that it was hard to keep his balance.
“ouccchhh” something hard hit his stomach and then his groin and again his head, he heard something crashing into pieces & then the pain; it was so intense he couldn’t bear it anymore, he fell on his knees and the last thing he could see was the vague figures of two guys approaching him
To be continued ….

a while ago i could say what was the wrongest thing i ever done in my life but now i’m not sure anymore
i know having sex with my own cousin was so wrong, i know quitting university before getting my master’s was so wrong, i know drinking alcohol was so wrong, i know doing drugs was so wrong (may be even toking that bad habit of mine that cant get rid of it really is wrong too!)
may be marrying meg was the wrongest. i knew i was gay from day one but i tried to deny it(just like having bipolar disorder). i know im a worthless exhibitionist cos im half naked standing infronna the window most of the year and more than that i enjoy stripping for strangers , i know i love baby alexis (this is a fatherly feeling). i know i had a few boy friends that turned my life into a real hell (but every one may meet & love wrong people), i know i hate gang bangs (cos i hate crowded places-more than 3-). i know though 3 & 4 somes were my fantasies once, in reality it was utter shit and pain.
i know i sometimes enjoy being a whore and yet there are many things i don’t know but there’s this fact : i cant be a wonderful gay daddy and i cant stay gay and have Meg as well.
may be this makes some people who care happy, me and J broke up or as he says ” i dumped him”. i dont wanna blame him on anything, it was all my fault, he was a nice guy but i shouldn’t let him in this much, may be we were sharing love and passion we weren’t suppose to share intimate things like family, wife, baby.
it was my own stupidity or his eagerness to have a share in everything. as far as i know Meg never let him get too close to her, an arm round the waist was ok but more than that she always got up and went to another room to do the things she prenteded that must be done instantly.
i think she wasn’t much interested in our moans and groans and it wasn’t a turn-on to watch another guy fucking the legs off her husband. yes i should have known all these but men are not that understanding until you give them clear clues or tell them what you really think.
i really hated myself when i told Meg about breaking up with J and she embraced me so tight bursting into tears and sobbing hard, i felt sorry for her.  i told myself “look bitch, what have you done to her!”
i’m so used to analyzing my own feelings to find out how real they are, may be it’s a bipolar habit of mine but i cant analyze my love to Meg, i have NFI about it, may be it’s because she wasn’t my girl-friend in the first place, may be it’s still that brotherly-sisterly promise we made long time ago that keep us together or may be it’s because of Alexis.i dunno and i don’t care to know any more.

but for me being gay now sounds like a choice and not something natural. there must be a reason it same sex affairs are forbidden in many religions and cultures.

i’m not sure what i really wanna do from now on. obviously i have that feeling and chemistry for guys that cant be ignored.

i even tried to find some hot girls for a fuck to confirm being straight or at least bi but they make me sick to death.

so i’ve decided not to force myself or Meg into choosing something hurriedly, i wanna think and i don’t wanna deny i still feel so dammed gay but let’s spend a while with my wife than dating guys and see what’s gonna happen next!

this is just a note for myself to remember cos things cant be as beautiful and erotic as erotica.
actually i met that guy, he was fine, well-built, handsome….
when i say he was fine dont doubt it cos i’m not much into colored cocks, masculine guys or even bears. i prefer people of my own kind and well may be he was a bit better than me but i know im not ugly!
whatever it was, it was just fucking for the money and i really had no fucking idea what the hell i was doing there.
i know im quite an exhibitionist but prostitution was never defined in my own scales.
so i kissed, licked, gave a bj and finger-fucked his virgin ass and that was it; he thought my dick was too big to find its way to his back door without pain (bitch, im not big) so i went on kissing and squeezing his balls till i heard my cell-phone ringing.
and actually it was the alarm clock i set for 2 hours as we’d agreed on it.
i picked up the phone and pretended i was talking to someone and i had to go.
ridiculously i didn’t even took my clothes off. so i zipped my jeans, gave him a long french kiss (he almost chocked cos of my naughty tongue moves and explores too quickly & he lied about how great it was, who was he kidding?!)
i went to the bathroom to brush my teeth & refresh the taste in my mouth; got my money ( & he paid 50 more bucks cos i didnt fuck his tight ass LOL) got back to my car and drove all the way back to the office.
as long as i didnt want to go back home i found a place for parking and spent the rest of the night shivering and shaking of cold. it was a good punishment!
nobody hates easy money & escorting can be one of the easiest ways for earning big bucks but it has a few problems:
1. it’s not permanent
2.it’s not too healthy
3. no job insurance, security…
4.it’s not really respectable
5. and i think no one likes to say “hey, my dad’s a call boy, what about yours?”

conclusion: i think i can keep my gay feeling for myself and dont express it to any one; besides i was quite talented when born so better stick to my fucking engineering job, they pay me good but i have to work hard &* pay tax!
at least BG won’t be ashamed of me!
*. i’m gonna write some of my experiences with BF & other guys but actually i wanna try erotic literature so i dont have to right things that are based on utter truth from now on!

it was 10 pm when i saved the last document and turned my putter off. Another long working day was over and i had to drive around 30 miles back home on those icy roads. I threw whatever belonged to me in my back pack , changed my clothes, turned the lights off, locked the door, waved mr gaurd goodbye , got into my car, set theengine working, pressed the gas pedal and started my way back home thinking of tomorrow that i had to wake up before 6 and drive all the way back.
it was so cld and actually it was snowing again; i pulled my car over the shoulder and stopped. i closed my eyes for a few minutes to get rid of the physical exhaustion then opened the glove compartment tolook for my cell phone, it was a bit dark inside the car but my fingers were trained to look for things thereso they didn’t any light for that.
there it was , i had a few missed calls from W & BF, i could guess why they have called, i was later than usual and probably that worried them.
then i checked some e-mails as if i was home, relaxing and having a cup of hot coffee.
i kept on checking till i got to something interesting, “yeah, i’m gonna love this guy for tonight”
TBC…..

Hey, Everybody: By now you’ve no doubt heard the news that America’s favorite crystal-meth-snorting, male-escort-blowing evangelical Christian pastor is cured! While 99.9 percent of wannabe ex-gays struggle to overcome their homosexuality for decades, Ted Haggard was pronounced “completely heterosexual” after just 21 days of counseling! Don’t you just love a happy ending?

I’d love to devote a whole column to Haggard—there’s just so much to process. For instance, according to the ministers overseeing Haggard’s treatment, Ted was able to “discover” his complete heterosexuality so quickly because his homosexual activity was never “constant.” By that standard I’ve been completely heterosexual since, gee, about 10 minutes after 2:00 this morning.

Yippee! I’m completely heterosexual, too! And as everyone knows, once you’re completely heterosexual all your troubles are over. Just ask San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom.

i found it really hard to write in third person so let it be me and him!
Me & him met each other in different chat-rooms for a while and slowly slowly we tried to know each other, after a year or so we started voice-chatting and by the end of the second year we used webcams to communicate and sometimes called each other when bored but we were never too close
After 2.5 years knowing each other Me broke up with my girl friend, trying to experience new things, by the end of the 3rd year he told me what he did for the living and we shared a few personal things suggesting it was time to meet.

holdinghands.jpg
but then i changed my way 270 degrees and went on my 2.5 months journey to hell to discover the rights and wrongs!
later on Me moved to the state he lived and got married though i visited his city several times we never had the chance to meet till some time early this year me had to attend in a meeting and we planned to get together at last and Me ended in his place staying for a night and heading home the next morning.
though he was a heavy drinker and smoker we got together better than we expected.
some unexpected things happened later that me, BG & W stayed with him for a while and he was a great support.
I accepted his unusual kindness as something given from a friend but apparently BF wanted us to be more than friends.
Me invited him for W’s birthday party but later changed my mind and asked him not to come. not listening to me at all he turned up uninvited.
that night we ended fucking each other’s brains out.
Later i couldn’t get rid of the feeling of guilt cos i some how cheated on W. it took Me a while to figure things out and starting a new chapter in my shitty life.
So Me & W after much of arguments and fights got to the point that it was something that must be given the chance to be tried, the last decision was to move to BF’s place and share everything with him.
As soon as i managed to get rid of the feeling of guilt and tried to understand the RM, i experienced a new love, something i never felt my whole life. it looked so intense so pure and so fresh that took me a while to undestand the difference between that and what was between Me & W.
now i know that things look much better and brighter when four of us are together, he’s part of the family now and it’s like he’s been there for a long time we can hardly remember how we lived without him. it may look selfish but W loves BF in her own way and BG is too small to understand anything like this.
So i started this blog to analyze my feelings!

Getting up too early the other day, I drove the 30miles road to the office on a cold dark morning so I could get to work earlier and finish my tasks sooner than usual to have a dinner out with my loved ones on the bleeding heart’s day!
**********
to inform those lovely friends wondering why they received no reply from a net addict like me, i have a few excuses to make:
1. i’ve lost my dentures,ooppps that was Sandra’s excuse!
2.we were packing and moving and those who know me a little better and longer are aware of the fact that how much i love moving (i was born GYPSY!) and this new place though doesn’t belong to us is much better and bigger than J’s place and yes it’s for free cos i work for that fucking company but i really have no idea why it is too far from my working place that i have to go outta home before 6am to be on time.
3. in the last 2 weeks I’ve experienced a new Me, dammed he’s hell responsible, quiet and rarely protests. i dunno how he got in or who let him in but i have to bear him for a while (till the end of my contract) if it was up to me I’ve quit this job the very first week cos I’m working like a donkey and they’re paying as much or sometimes less than other places with shorter working hours, yes he must be sick to stay but he says he has a family to support and he cant leave right away when he has no other place to go cos he has to pay the loans, so let him rule for a while but i swear I’m gonna get my territory back ASAP!
4.I’m trying to (read have) quit my addiction to internet so with all the “no cell phone in, no checking mails…..” policy and long working hours i don’t check my mails daily, let alone other things!
5.And about the valentine. … Me, wife, baby girl and the boy friend had burnt some gray cells of ours and planned a memorable romantic dinner out for the 4 of us. Being so proud of ourselves, we promised to be in that fcuking restaurant at 7.30 pm.
So i put on my tightest jeans* , a reddish orange short and fit sweater, tied my hair in ponytail, put a little dark make-up** & drove to work singing with anyone in my player.
there was a lot to do and it looked like a very busy day but with the help of tones of coffee and piles of chocolates i managed to finish everything before 10 and felt proud of myself but it seems happy moments are meant to last as short as possible.
outta nowhere came this asshole called inspector and the only thing i could think of was cleansing my face, to the men’s room & back & he was in our section.
i tried to ignore his existence and mind my own business but as gay as he was or may be he had a gay-meter he had a crush on my shoes and asked me to show him round the place, not only i looked puzzled and the rest where shocked, i told him it wasn’t my job to do so and i was pretty new to the place myself, i bet he was deaf too.
so Me & the MD showed him everywhere in the whole building and he didn’t let me go earlier than 4pm when he felt exhausted and decided it was time to go meet his shitty sweat-heart!
Should i mention when i got back to my desk i had tones of things to do and my lovely cow-orkers didn’t mind putting their own tasks on my desk and leaving early!
So i called Meg to tell her it was unpossible to have a romantic time out and i couldn’t be home sooner than 11 so she said she’s gonna stay on the night shift cos they were short of staff & I’d better pick Alexis up on the way home so she could sleep on her own bed.
And for J it took Meg a while to find him cos he’s been missing from home since Monday evening meeting so many lonely johns who were dying to pay for a temporary lover (read fucker) on the bleeding heart’s day.
So i had this wonderful Valentine’s working till 10 pm, and spending the night with my lovely asleep daughter who can pronounce almost every one-syllable word with the help of J!
My wife spent her night with some sick people in the hospital and the boyfriend escorted as much as he could.
I didn’t meet any of them earlier than Thursday night; Meg complaining about what a bad and naughty girl Alexis had been since she woke up and J was so sore and exhausted he was sure he wouldn’t meet any john for 2 weeks ( So did I if i earned 9.5K bucks in less than 2.5 days!)
conclusion: Fuck Saint Valentine or any other motherfucker who put this day on the calender! & I’m sure next year I’m gonna take a day off and count the people crossing the road!
hope you had a better time than moi!

part III (some time later)
” i told you not to come here, didn’t i?” RM shouted
“well yes you did but i should meet you, i really need to talk to you about….” BF tried to finish his sentence but RM didn’t let him.
” go back to the hell you came from, i don’t wanna hear anything”
BF:” butttttttttt”
RM:” goooooooo, nowwwwww!”
BF:” there wont be any flight till tomorrow, you don’t wanna leamme in the cold, do you”
RM:” go to a hotel”
BF:” you know i cant find a room for tonight”
RM:”that’s your problem, not mine!”
BF:” lemme stay for the night, just a night!”
RM:” fck you, ok, come but dont expect anything, we have many guests that need a place for sleep.”
so RM opened the door a bit and BF with some struggle got inside
********************
Late that night
RM whispered:” bitch cant you sleep somewhere else?”
BF thought for a second then said:” actually no. you know i’ve never been in love, not like this, i love you from the bottom of my heart, i really cant live a day without you.”
RM replied:” go fuck your mom and shut your shitty mouth up, i wanna sleep”
then he moved tothe other side of the room and tried to sleep
TBC……

read part one (https://bipolaroverdosed.wordpress.com/2007/02/10/bi-x-bi-straight)
sometimes we can’t control our feelings the way we should!
RM:”bitch, yo late, ain’t yo?”
BF:”sorry, it took me longer than expected”
RM(still angry holding his hands near the heater) :” i can feel flakes of ice moving through my veins, i’d be dead if you showed later than this”
BF (now feeling mad at his mate):” i apologized, didn’t i?”
pressing the break pedal to stop by a take-away, he went on:” hey i’m sorry but i really didn’t have a glorious time either, what do you want for dinner.”
RM (mumbling):”nothing, i feel sick.”
to the shop and back, BF stared at RM’s red eyes and whispered:” you look hot baby”
RM (a bit annoyed):”stop this crap, go fuck yer mom!”
A few more blokes and they were in his place
to be continued…..
*. it’s pretty hard to write about things happened a while ago, i think i let this reach some points, then start writing the current events fed with flashbacks ( i need some time to read more books but dammed i’m far too busy these days!) & i apologize for this crap!

It took me long before i could make my mind and find enough courage to reveal what were bugging me to death.
so I asked Meg to make her decision and not to force herself doing things she didn’t want by heart just for the sake of me or the baby!
I gave her these options to choose:

1. go back to where we used to live and do as she used to do with Alexis
2.file for divorce
3. meet random guys
4.date whoever she thinks hot
5.bring a girlfriend home
6.start a new life with her Mr. right and leave Alexis with me if he doesn’t want her
7. fuck my boyfriend if she feels like it
actually I texted my suggestions exactly like that(the same humor the same crap!)and i got what i deserved when she texted me back (this is the rephrased version!)
1. i like big cities as much as you do so I’m staying here
2. it’s a waste of time, money and energy
3. I’m not a slut!
4. it’s too dull to date new guys
5. bitch, I’m straight as a ruler
6. if a guy doesn’t want my baby then he cant be Mr. right
7. no way,I’m not interested in 3-some
8.stop thinking too much, i still remember my vows then you’d better remember the shopping list!
so obviously I’m fucking gay and even being a committed husband cant stop this love at first fright.
I’ve warned her and told her by the end of the journey I’ve started , there’d be the possibility of meeting a different guy but she still wanna stay. so may be we’re not perfect lovers but she’s my perfect soul mate and my soul is still crazy in love with her though my body doesn’t want her anymore.
now I’m sure I’m not forcing her to stay and she’s doing it by her own will.
so let’s fasten the seat belts and light this rocket.
baby i love you in the gayest way!

The other day me, Meg and J were discussing random things when Meg mentioned the article she read in the Time magazine (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1584786,00.html) and then 3 of us, being the experts of our own kind, started giving ideas.
And i hate J for making fun of my fears about the baby girl, he can’t understand cos he doesn’t have his own kid and no matter how much he loves Alexis and the other way round and how close we are and doubtlessly how much I love him myself, Alexis is my girl and not his so at most he tries hard every day to teach Alexis new words and as a result she’s hell confused and gave up the idea of talking utterly but still says “no” when necessary.
back to my fear, one of my nightmares is some shithole rape my beloved girl one day and then she cant deal with the feelings and the rest, surely I won’t let that dick-head live one more day as soon as i know his name and i don’t let the jury decide instead of me cos lawyers can influence them easily.(aggressive, huh?!)
Yeah it’s a nightmare and as J mentions almost always, Alexis is jus 1.5 years old and i have a lot more to worry about than the rape and assault but well i can’t help myself so you can blame it on my sick bipolar mind!
But what do you call rape?
Rape (verb): to force somebody to have sex with you when they do not want to by threatening them or using violence

So does it mean you need a gang of masked guys with handcuffs and guns and a shouting crying kidnapped girl to call it rape?
If a woman consents to having sex with a man but then during intercourse says no, and the man continues, is it rape?

And according to that article it depends on where you live. The law in Maryland & North Carolina regards rape as “when a woman says yes, she can’t take it back once sex has begun–or, at least, she can’t call the act rape.”
Mel Feit, executive director of the National Center for Men, a male-advocacy group based in Old Bethpage, N.Y., says “At a certain point during arousal, we don’t have complete control over our ability to stop,” he says. “To equate that with brutal, violent rape weakens the whole concept of rape.” His group has created a “consensual sex contract” to be signed before intercourse.

i don’t deny that there are times the other head decides what to do next but surely i can stop the whole thing using the head with the brain in it. i guess we’re not animals yet, are we?

and it’s ridiculous to sign a contract before sex, just think of the whole procedure that i have to copy the contract umpteenth times and put ’em by the side of the bed, then every time turn the lights on look for a pen and make my wife sign it. And may be we should put a time limit there, she can protest in the first 2 minutes then I can’t stop anything so she better bears with that.
So I must be a real animal then!

I have this understandable rule of thumb, when she (he) says no, it’s a “NO” I shouldn’t try or I have to stop right there and I don’t think it’s to hard to stick with so I expect others to treat me the same way.

To my surprise (not really) Jeff mentioned something that sounded true. Even people in his trade can be raped.
Surely they fuck for the money but if a john do something against they will or as they say “get really fucked” that can be rape! So even prostitutes can be raped, better remember this before contacting the next escort 😉

And it’s a big pleasure to live here, I love Alaska and I love this city or as they say I love the big wild life!
*. The big wild life is the new logo for Anchorage so you better stop laughing at me, d’ah!