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Category Archives: no salvation

i’ve been lagging dynamically, mentally, physically and statically, im so lame!

this pullover he gave mefor my birthday is way too warm, im boiling from


then i’ve been checking some old blogger friednss and holy shit, i missed

a lot.

what else? i’ve been planning christmas since hhhm tomorrow, i will think


i have added a new word to my vocab, sister-in-law, gawd it’s such a …

let’s not say what cos i know he may read here and he will kill me for bitching about his sis, im looking forward to not to meet her cos i prefer gay christmas to anything else, let’s pray her

plane gets a flat tyre.

he had made me a wishlist , i decided to ignore but this act of his had a very bad

impression on the little girl, she wanted to have her own wishlist , thanks hell she forgot but if she got herself one, i will post it  to her silly  &^*%$#W#$^$% mom and her bf will sue me with hate crime 😀

back to the sister-in law, i have made my mind to call her before landing to this unfortunate

bean city and tell her i will be having a gay orgy for christmas, likes it  or not and i know she wont like it. and i don’t care.

whatelse? i want a big christmas surprise, something very romantic but my

beloved partner doesnt have “romantic ideas” so i thought i may higher a

temporary woman lover for the romantic part, but that’s so lame.

again back to the sister-in-law, oh she is not yet the sister in law , yippe!

and i was thinking of joining my granny on the plane and go home, sorta missing relatives i guess but i doubt they ever

missed me . they may like my baby though.

there are hell of things to think about, for now it’s bed time, i wantd to sleep on the sofa cos he’s sick and may wake me up with his coughs but as long as i’m sneezing myself with a runny nose, i think we make a good couple for tonight.

now i go to bed but i’ll be happy with an invitation for christmas, if ever

wanted  a cool couple with a little cute girl you can count on me but i cant promise your place looks thesamewhen we leave (she’s more like a monkey than a human!)

i think it’s bed time and i have to go towork tomorrow, urrggghh

good night


i feel his fingers running up and down my spine as if counting something, a silent lullaby for my sleepless night, unaware of the world surrounding me, i count my own breath, a replace for the sheep jumping over the fence cos recently they’re tired of jumping over anything and they gave me a warning of over-crowded fields, all will die soon cos of hunger.

thinking about the sheep i missed the seconds his hand moved a good 10 inch lower resting a finger on my butt hole, i stop pretending to be asleep just to avoid him from going any further. now i have his hand in my own, biting his fingertips, and he responds pretty quickly by biting my earlobe. i turn and sleep on my back, staring into his bluish gray eyes. i have something on my mind but im not sure he wants to hear it. sometimes i amuse myself by thinking before talking, it’s his habit not mine. i bite my lower lip to avoid words; trying to guess what his answers can be, he says i look funny when trying to keep my mouth shut. so i try harder and he smiles at me, one of those irresistible smiles i love so much, the next moment we’re kissing really hard, having our very own tongue fight and i never found out why kissing him is so different.
he let me break the kiss to catch my breath but i dont wanna continue anything.
“can we talk seriously now?” i ask him.
“we always talk seriously, don’t we?” he answers with a killing smile on his face.
me:”i’ve been thinking……..”
him:-” don’t think too much, k?”
me:” bitch, listen to me………”
him:” wait a sec, have you taken your pills?”
i close my eyes to think, have i? i dont remember.
me:” i think no.”
he gets outta bed to fetch my pills, i bite my lips very hard seeing him running to the kitchen naked, what if the little girl wakes up. i grab the blanket and run after him to the kitchen, it’s a fair deal, he has the blanket, i have my pills and then another kiss, some nights we’re boringly too romantic and it seems everything is getting worse the more we live together.
“do you think they can fix their relationship?” i ask swallowing all the water in one breath.
he sits on the table with the blanket carefully hiding his body, ” i think they should.”
me:” and what if they dont or cant?”
him:” it’s their life.”
me:” but it we must do something for them, they’re our friends.”
him:” do what? it’s their lives, not ours.”
i fill my glass again, swallowing each sip with as much as hesitation i can waste on those water drops. he strokes my hair a bit, making it messier than its natural way, “don’t think to much” he whispers in my ear.
i stare at him without saying a word, counting my own heartbeats and im not even sure about the words marching in my mind.
“im gonna talk to him seriously, i started it, i should be the one ending it.” i say at last.
he grabs my hand firmly:” you’re doing nothing than keeping your mouth shut, it’s not about you. he didn’t have a crush on you, it’s all lust but if you have a crush on him, it’s another thing to consider. ” he pauses for a few seconds before going on ” you didn’t have a crush on him, did you?”
i ‘m not sure about the answer, i keep on staring at the floor until little tears run down my eyes.
he grabs my hair and pulls it so hard i cant avoid not looking at him, “answer me? what happened between you two?”
i get up and stand infronna him,pressing his wrist as hard as i can to loosen his fingers round my hair.
” Ace, listen, i really have no idea, im so confused, things with him is very different, but i know you’re the only man i love and i wanna live with.clear?”
he puts his arms round my torso and pulls me close giving me a long kiss and we remain in the cuddling position till i hear little squeaking sounds from her bed, telling us she’d be outta her bed any second. he runs to the bedroom and i goes to her room, another bathroom trip for her.
after putting her to bed and kissing her goodnight with a short censored second bedtime story, i go back to my own bed and he’s waiting for me.
“what’s different about him?” he asks casually.
“nothing” i jump under the covers.
“do you wanna try it that way with me?” he insists on continuing our boring conversation.
“no, turn the lights off, i wanna sleep.” i hide my head behind the covers.
getting outta bed, turning the lights off and back, i can feel his hand round my neck, pretending to suffocate me if i dont talk.
“i’m choking, i’ll tell you everything.”
-” ok”
“everything, now sleep.”
“i know it, thanks, good night.”
and there’s silence everywhere before i break it.
“what about talkingto both of’em tomorrow!!”
-” about what?”
“hhhmm not breaking up.”
-“why should we? it’s their relationship, private, can you understand.”
“ok, night”
after a few minutes, he breaks the silence
-” why do you want to do that?”
“i feel guilty.”
-” it has nothing to do with you, they’re swingers, they’re so used to other guys in their life, try to understand, ok?”
i take a deep breath “i understand but they’re our friends”
-” holy crap, stop being so OC, i really dont need to sleep with jesus”
im cant help myself not to laugh, probably no one wants to sleep with jesus, pretty boring i guess to be advised during the bedtime.
i kiss him on his cheek, ” ok sleep with me and keep your faith son, we’re gonna talk to them tomorrow, ok?”
-“as you like, night jesus”
“night son”
sometimes i have no idea how he tolerates me, i know i cant save myself, let alone the world im living in but i cant stop trying not to save others, probably another wrong sick incomplete gene in my brain.
i’m gonna talk to them anyway, they’re the closest frinds we have here and i still think they’re such a gorgeous couple.

once upon a time, long time ago, “to be, or not to be” was a question, but now things have changed a lot. the “being” is not that important. the being…. makes difference.

so the other day i was chatting with “the other guy”-don’t think wrong, he’s straighter than anything you can think of, so he’s just a friend- and the conversation went on like this:

 me: hug me

that guy: already

me: where?

me: how?

that guy: cant you feel it?

me: no. i think you’re hugging the wrong guy

that guy: what??

that guy: you re fat and pale, right?

me: fuck u! where have you gone?

me: gay-asian bar? 

that guy: oh, shoot! it’s a girl.

me: huh?

me: went to the les? omg

that guy: God im blessed!

(i showed him my picture)

me: this is me

that guy: really?

me: yeah. btw do i really look fat and pale?

that guy: no,   you look weird

me: why?

me: do i have horns and tail and boobs?!

that guy: gayish?

me: i tell me

that guy: you feel like choosing a right path, buddy??

me: what path?

that guy: your life

me: hhmm no so sure. but i think it’s fine

me: u dont agree?

that guy: sorry i dont

me: i guessed so

me: is your way right?

that guy: i guessed so

me: lucky then. im not jealous

me: i couldn’t change anything actually

that guy: i dont ask you to

that guy: really?

me: yes really

that guy: you re a loser i know

me: u know i tried

me: i know it

me: no need to be reminded

that guy: never again

me: my pleasure

me: you wanna confirm what?

me: my whole existence is a sin?

that guy: that’s confirmed

that guy: no need to be reminded

that guy: just wonder..

me: wonder what?

that guy: it is stupid that you think you couldn’t change anything and blame god

me: i dont blame him. i never did

me: i just say my creation was the worst thing he could do

that guy: that’s blaming, pal

me: ok. i cant change it. I’m fucked

that guy: now let say, you cant change it and you just follow it

me: ok as you say

that guy: now you wanna affect people around yo?

me: i was born a loser. no i just want to love and be loved

that guy: don’t you think ya have power

me: for what?

that guy: look at your words, man. you have power

that guy: you may have affected many people

me: to be a jerk?

that guy: you happy?

me: i think so

me: you wanna conclude I’m happy with some powers, right?

that guy: maybe, and happy you get some attention with that

me: what a poor creature i am then

me: i’d rather go to bed

me: g’night

And the chat was over but i didn’t go to bed. later we chatted a little more and he claimed i’ll be a threat to my little girl for being gay.

how can i be such? i mean no harm to her. well may be drunk dads say the same but still beat their families but i’m not into alcoholic drinks nor drugs. and i don’t think loving my boyfriend would make me so insane that i try to harm my little girl. that’s way too stupid.

but well there’s this possibility of being hated by her for my sexual orientation. that’s as much as possible when parents kick their kids outta home for the same reason.

i don’t wanna conclude anything and i don’t wanna deny being bisexually gay. and i think even denying it, won’t help me much when me and my wife are screwing one an other and i can’t stop my mind thinking  of him instead of her.

but there’s this fact. i’m a loser in this world and the world of the dead. i can say i tried to change a few things but i’m not giving my boyfriend to a pile of written stuff claiming i will go to hell for being myself and for loving the man of my dreams.

why no guy goes to hell for loving a woman? (3-4 women in other religions!) that’s not a sin but it can make me a real psycho running after my daughter for that reason.

oh my dearest you have no fucking idea how much i missed you all those endless long endless day-like nights, staring at empty pages, or even the blue thing on top of other people’s writing cans all saying to me, sorta even deceiving me to write!

officially i haven’t blogged since 12th of last month, technically i haven’t written any crap for a whole month and by now i’m dammed sure my psychiatrist is so proud of me.

i can’t say it was a good time but it was fine. and i really have no idea to whom i’m talking too. Alllooooo any muthafucka out there?

if you wanna become an expert, you need helluva practice. and i can’t even write a logical thing (let’s pretend i could write some time ago)

so as for the start or kinda end to something review the last 6-8 weeks!

1. broke up with my ex (fucking bastard, it was obvious he wasn’t my kind)

2. changed my psychiatrist and as a result went through all the shit with new meds and dosage!

3. the baby girl turned to be Ms. talkative with lots of crazy questions, just giving me headaches and making me wish i was deaf!

4. i gave up the idea of spending so many nights surfing the net and instead i started to read some books!

5. some fucking bastard stole my laptop and a few other things, just forcing me to choose between a brand new laptop in the next 3 years or a digi-cam for the coming 3-4 months.

6. last not least apparently and to some extent obviously i found my mr. right and Gawd he’s so sexy and lovable. i’m not gonna give any details cos you may kidnap him. all i can say is that he’s so much better than all the guys i’ve dated to date!

what else?

aha, as long as i’m back and i’ve made my mind to keep on blogging and writing crap for a while i thought this blog needed a new look and beside the new theme (that i have it on my other blog and love it so much!) i needed a header so  without further ado, i bring to you the extinct species living in north pole aka me (i know you were dying to see my face!)

i know i look really ugly and remind you of your great great great grand father but i can promise you to have a plastic surgery asap (i’m saving for it, may be you can help me a bit!)

ok, that was enough for today. i’m gonna change the header soon, i’m just looking for something better!

when he doesn’t take his pills, his world looks so crazily crazy.
honestly i haven’t finished my report yet, there’s still a lot left and I’m not sure whether i can finish it tonight or not cos I’m so down and depressed and surely I’m not in the mood of doing anything right now.
I’m glad you’re feeling better and at last you found some time to spare and check here…………………..
you know every word i type takes ages to come to my mind and it takes me a good 5 minute to finish every line. i type a few words, stare at the screen and then ask myself:” then what? is it all you want Keith? are you sure these are the words you wanna say?” then i answer myself with a big NO and another long meaningless stare.
(you have no idea how long it took me to write the lines above!)
i feel weak, my hands are cold as ice, yes it’s nothing unusual. i dunno why my hands are so cold every day and it’s been like this all my life.
I still remember that guy at highschool, I still remember his green eyes and warm big hands and how much i enjoyed sitting by his side and he holding my hands in his so they wouldn’t feel numb anymore. i remember once i told him:” B I really love you, why you keep on ignoring me?” and he didn’t say a word, just smiled and held my hands tighter. I wish i could see him again and this time i wouldn’t hesitate to kiss him.
sometimes I’m not sure how alive i am cos it’s hard to hear my own heart-beat and yes my hands are cold, as cold as the ice outside; then how could i be still alive?!
it must be something very weird to feel ok, so are you ok?
you know i had to finish that fucking report but i didn’t. it was a “must-be-done” obliged by myself cos i have to read tones of articles and there are 2 articles that i have to write it by myself in a week time and i don’t have any idea how to write them cos i have to open piles of books and spend hours searching before i can write the introduction;and next week I’m going back to Anchorage and it’s again another +12 hours working everyday and would i have enough energy to finish anything?! surely not cos I’m not a super hero with significant natural powers.
Keith, don’t drown, for God’s sake, don’t drown!

I’m sick of myself, I’m sick of this world, I’m sick of everything and everyone cos there’s no reason left to go on, i wish i could puke my brain and dig into my rib case to take my warm beating heart out just to take a look at it, just to make sure it’s still beating. and what should i do if it wasn’t beating, it wasn’t warm but a big cold stony thing?!

how much i like to lock this door and stay in my bedroom forever, and do you know how long forever is?! is it too long?
i would have locked the door if i knew where the key was but the key is not in this room; it’s not here so where is it?
yes i know it must be miles away, probably melted to something better, may be a a wire for cutting heads, but who makes wires outta cast iron?! Keith, you know no one do that cos it’s not possible to extrude cast iron that much! you passed that course, didn’t you?

so why i agreed with her that we shouldn’t lock doors in our home?! i dunno, may be she was afraid of the day i do something stupid?! then that’s so stupid cos I’m doing stupid things everyday and why should she bother if i hurt myself? is it really that important?

i spent most of the day reading and thinking; what was the name of that book? i dunno
And who was the writer? i don’t have any clue, but i know it was written in French and all i read was a quite good translation that you had to re-read some parts to understand and you couldn’t skip lines.
and how much i felt like the heroine of that tragedy , was she the heroine then? did she drown herself? if she did then why the writer didn’t say anything? why I’m still sitting in my bedroom on bare floor and leaning against the door so no one can come in!
it must have been a good story that i cried when it finished. and i cant see the point those fucking tears are getting together to make a big drop and run down my face just to give me a feeling of wetness and salt.
hey it’s been years since the time you grew up and you’re still seeking for that thing, for that lost part of your past?! and why don’t you stop it? yes i know you like dreaming about your own nightmares and what’s that big nightmare making you hide behind your blanket and weep sadly? are you really that sad or you like that bitter feeling of being lost in your never-land and cry for help. shout as loud as you can and then shut your mouth cos there’s no voice left for you and you know nobody cares!
you care?! why should you? tell me just a reason and that’s gonna be enough!
because you love me?! that’s stupid cos i cant see the reason to be loved.

no, i wasn’t created to be an angel, i was made to be a fallen creature struggling in his own shit every minute. so where are you hiding now? don’t you really wanna think nasty and talk dirty? where’s your next blog entry? look that guy’s such a turn-on , how dare you stand still and stare at the nothingness infronna your eyes when he’s shaking that sexy ass so wild!?!

how sick i feel, how tired i feel and how much………. no i don’t want this dirty life end cos i cant stand my own shouts and cries and begs when suffering that eternal torture on my sluttish body.
“I didn’t give you this body for your sexual pleasure, you were supposed to worship me, to praise me, to beg me to forgive your stupidity. how dare you committed so many sins in front of my very eyes, you little worthless creature of mine” he’s gonna say this, he’s waiting there to rip my flesh with his divine sword and say this to me.
” so you wanted to be disobedient?! you thought that it was a big ridiculous joke written in those holy books saved there just for you to laugh at in the future and tease your creator!? who you thought you were?! weren’t you another creature i made cos you had to exist on this big planet so i could show my heavenly powers, I’m the mighty one, so kneel and praise me.
you rude creature, how dare you stare at me with your sinful eyes. i didn’t give you those eyes to gaze at whatever bare body you could find; those eyes were given to cry for forgiveness.”

I’m an attention seeker, i do anything to attract attention and i don’t mind what it is: it can be exposing my body to whoever wants or exposing my thoughts to strangers. i offer you my hand for help but actually all i want is pulling you closer to own you. i want you for myself, i want you to pay attention to me and just me!
and how lonely i am cos I’m lost. he’s there watching me, waiting for me to call him and he’s gonna take me outta this shit with his almighty hands.
“call me son”
” no, i don’t like you, i cant see the reason to love that infinite eternity. why you created me? how dare you created such a weak creature that you knew he’d fall and could never climb up to your heavenly doors?! you enjoy watching me suffer from my own sins every now and then that i feel there’s no reason for living but just loving you and then i go, i cry helplessly in front of your powerful eyes and go. go back to my every day life.
“so how’s Alexis doing? want a ride on daddy’s back?!”
or kissing my sweetheart and saying” babe, so what should i buy today?”
or spanking that boy and slipping a tongue in his warm mouth and thinking:” he tastes so good”

how real are they? ain’t they a reflection of my own thoughts?
who am i? what am i doing here? are you sure I’m the one I’m trying to show?

I’m 26, i have a degree in material…………… how do you know?
it’s obvious? yes I’m so fond of metals, I’ve been a fan of heavy metal all my life, huh?! no not that metal? so you want me to talk about forging? or why you cant weld aluminum? or how you can make nano-wires?!
how small a nano-wire is?! i think i have some wires in my closet, lemme bring ’em!

I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m weak, this stomachache is killing me, it’s been days since the first time it bugged me. ” i must be hungry” so i eat, i empty plates but it gets worse. i try to ignore it. then it must be PMS. PMS? are you alright?
yes I’m alright, I’m sure, it’s my PMS!
so when did you last have a period?!
hhhmmm i don’t remember, it must be years ago. yes it’s so long i don’t remember when it was. can you tell me how it is like, may be i have one right now?!

where’s that book*? was it a book or just notes? where have i put it? did i really read it?or may be it was a dream?
momma, i wanna talk to you!, do you know where daddy is? huh?! he’s gone. yeah yeah i know.
what? it’s not polite to use “yeah and huh!” why momma, why it is like this?
huh? i shouldn’t call you momma cos it’s childish?! then what should i call you? is it ok if i call you mom, or what about mommy, i think mummy’s gonna be much better!

why i felt so much like Clarice? yes you were such a good mom. i could kiss and hug you whenever i like but did you ever botheryourself to ask me how i felt?
“mommy i feel sore in my throat”
–“ok, i’m gonna take you to the doctor, i’m gonna make you soups, i’m gonna give you orange juice”
“mommy, i won’t come home before 8, we’regonna have a game with the other team from the other school”
–” ok, but be home before 9″
“momma, you know today i scored 20 points all on my own, you know we win and those guys were so tall i have to pass the ball between their legs”
–“why your clothes are so dirty? put ’em in the washing machine and hey wash your legs before going to bed”
“momma i got A+ in my geometry exam and you know it was so hard, many of the other kids could hardly get a “D”!”
–“good, now wash your hands and come have dinner”
“momma, why you never take a look at my report cards?”
–“cos i know you have good marks!”
“momma, do you know which grade i am in?”
“momma i need a bike”
” if you get good marks, we’re gonna buy you one”
“momma, ever wondered how i go to school?”
“yes by bus!”
“so why you never take me there?”
“cos you can go yourself”
“momma do you wanna come and see the final game?”
“no, i hate basketball”
“momma we won, take a look at my -fake- medal?”
“put it there and take a shower”
“momma, my friend john told me his mom helps him with his homework, so why don’t you help me?”
“cos you have to do it on your own”
“momma may i sit on your lap?”
“wait, i have to finish cooking”
“momma can i sit on your lap now and you run your fingers through my hair”
“why don’t you cut your hair?”
” ok, i’m gonna do it, if you kiss me”
and she kissed me.
“why you never kissed me good night?”
“cos you’re a man now”
“but you never did it when i was a kid”
she turned her head.
“keith, don’t cllimb that tree, you’re gonna hurt yourself”
“no, i won’t, wanna come up?!”
“momma why you never come to school and talk to my teachers”
“for what?!”
“to see how i am doing at school”
” cos there’s no need, i know you’re a good student”
“momma, you gotta come to my school tomorrow”
“why? ask your dad to come”
“no you must come”
after lots of struggles she came.
” you know Mrs…… you have a genius son but ….” they didn’t let me stay.
on the way home. “momma, why are you so silent”
she didn’t answer, surely she was thinking about what i did.
the next day she gave me a box of color pencil. i knew what i had to do, i gave it to the boy sitting next to me; later i threw his pencil box in the garbage can. no i didn’t want his pens, i want my mom to come to my school, she didn’t say a word. did she understand why i did it?!
“momma today i met…..” slamming the door, she doesn’t mind i met someone i love.
“momma you know today me and … went to the lockers and……….” yes she doesn’t care her son is no more virgin.
and did she ever ask me why?!
yes once she found the romantic letters i wrote.
“so tell me what are these?”
“nothing, well they’re not mine, they’re for my friend’s. he gave them to me so……..”
shit why i could never lie to her.
“end it, you’re still a child”
” ok mom. ok, i will”
yes i ended everything, and she didn’t bother herself to ask me whether i loved her or not!

yes, i’m 26. i’m a grown up man or at least i look like one and i’m still looking for a mom.
that old lady sitting in the park,yeah she’s so perfect to be my mom.

“do you want a son?”
“do you wanna be my mom?”
“i promise to be a good boy , you know there’s something bothering me, there’s something eating me from inside and i don’t wanna tell my wife, ….. yes she understands but……..
thank you
can i sit here?
am i a bad son?
you know i really tried to be better but i cant change myself.
you know last night………
hhhmm actually ………
yoohoo any body there?
you’re gonna mail me, ain’t you?
what?1 you’re busy tonight? ok i can wait- or i have to wait-
am i bothering you?
do you mind if i kiss you?
can you hug me?
i’m not feeling ok.
you know you’re such a good mom, i love you…………


*.I was reading this:” Elle est parite” by ” Catherine Guillebaud”
**. those words asking you to be my mom are so familiar to your eyes, am i right? and you know I’m talking to you and i knew no other way to thank you.
***. i know no one wants a son like me but if you ever wanted a son for free, I’d be happy to have a mom!

It’s hard to live in this homophobic society, and it’s gonna be much harder when you’re a gay dad in a straight marriage.

Being grown up in a quite religious family when the masturbation was a big sin, loving someone the same sex would end in eternal hell where no one and nothing could save you.

I’m not anti-religion and I think to some extent humans must believe in something or otherwise they’re dead bodies walking, eating and doing other things without any meaning and a meaningless life, no matter how colorful, is not worth living.

It took me a while to understand my own feelings and a lot longer to decide what my sexuality was. At first I tried to change the attitude towards homosexuality in my family, honestly I didn’t get to any point and not only they didn’t accepted my sexuality, they treated me in a way I forgot about having any relatives and all.

Some of my friends did the same, while some others tried to convince me that homosexuality never existed and it was just an illusion made by my sick brain.

I gave up trying to change others and instead I started living my life as straight as possible, sometimes hanging with bi-guys for a change.

Though you might change your face with a better one using plastic surgery, it’s almost impossible to change your sexuality unless you do something to your genitals.

One of the most important things in my life is my daughter; I try hard to be a good dad no matter what happens. When I met the man of my dreams, I wasn’t really sure how far we could go.

Though quite hurt, my loving wife let me go as far as I wanted and it was too far, I almost got lost. Little by little I learned to handle my gay feelings in a way that neither hurt my boy friend nor my wife because I needed both of them.

As the feelings between me and my boy friend became deeper, I realized our relation was threatening my married life to some extent, “did I really want to get farther?” I wondered.

When the passion was over, it was me, my boyfriend and a family to support.” should I choose between them or like before I had to make a choice?” this was the question always bugging me.

When my in-laws decided to pay us a visit, I was sure I didn’t want my boyfriend around because I needed some time for explaining and making my own excuses. I was afraid of their reaction because feeling retarded wasn’t anything on my menu this time.

Unfortunately things didn’t go on the way I wanted and my in-laws met my boyfriend before I could defend my feelings.

To my surprise they treated me as usual, even better than before. As far as I could love my family unintentionally, there was no problem loving another one the same sex.

I’m thankful to my wife and her family for accepting me the way I am, not the way I pretended.  Surely it may sound more bisexual than homosexual when you try to love both sex but when the love is different, you’re only interested in your own wife and no other woman, but your boy friend can be replaced with some better guys, you certainly are a fag and you have to deal with it.

And I’ve been wondering about so many homophobic people surrounding the gay society.

“Why is it so hard to accept someone else the way they are, not the way you want?”

“What’s wrong with loving someone the same sex?”

“Are they afraid of a big homosexual society with no kids in it?”

“Ain’t this world too populated that a GLBT society won’t be a threat?”

“Why is it so disgusting to have gay couples among your friends?”

“Which one is a bigger sin: throwing your own child outta family for his/ her sexuality or incest sex?”

I hate those jackass people pretending they agree with all those homosexual thoughts but when they find out their teenage boy is seriously in love with another boy, they make him leave his house or change his mind.

Ain’t it too stupid for the same citizen not having the same rights when he/she marries with someone the same sex?

I know it was a lot harder for my in-laws to accept my sexuality but they did; and now I have to fight for my own rights against my aunts and uncles.

A married couple has definite right, what’s the difference between a straight marriage and same-sex marriage?!

I don’t know whether it is religions that make people allergic to homosexuals or they’re perverts who can’t handle their own shit.

I know there is something very wrong in the American society and it’s something that can be fixed. 

Why no one at school tells homosexual teenagers how to handle their feelings and have safe sex with the ones they love? Wouldn’t it be much easier to control AIDS without anti-homosexual education at schools?

I rest my case; weekend’s coming and I have to think of a way to get rid of my boyfriend or I have to do as he says cos I lost the bet.



does  it sound lame if i say i never had an accident , or at least not anything that i was the guilty driver?!

so last morning me & J were going to work and he was driving slowly (let’s say over 90 mph) and suddenly bang!

nobody hurt, no animal killed, nothing much serious except the fact i had a heart attack and all the hair all over my body went straight.  if only there was something to spray called “after shock”.

and i dunno who gave those mothafukcers driving license. And J was lucky it wasn’t his fault or i have shot him dead right there and ran away and then the cops ran after me and i said i didn’t shoot him cos i loved him so much then they caught my in-laws and surely they’d say we loved him more than our own son-in-law who’s a real asshole,then they would think the murderer was one of his old clients and no pro writes down who they fucked each day and they don’t pay any tax so why should i pay so much and i don’t smoke anymore cos they wanna increase the tax on cigarette and i don’t fucking care what the hell they do with that money but well i care and that’s my money they waste on killing innocent people and who told those bitches to go to other countries and fire their shitty missiles and yeah those bitches are probably my friends and why am i so crazy to hate them, huh?! my own bastard brother wanna join army? i’m gonna shoot him right now and how many people have i killed yet? i must be a chain killer* and this place is so hot and the iditarod 2007 is over and i couldn’t believe i cried cos i lost the bet to my shitty boy friend and i dunno what the hell he wanna do with me but gotta wait till the end of the week

and what caused so much trouble?!!!

of course that drunk driver who hit his truck against ours and i wish him death but well nothing serious happened.

FUCK Jeff King he wasn’t among the top 3, i have to cry cos i’m afraid of the weekend, i’m going to run away to another country, may be Canadah cos J seems to have some devilish plans for me **

Lance Mackey shouts for joy under the burled arch in Nome after winning the 2007 Iditarod Sled Dog Race on Tuesday March 13, 2007.









Lance Mackey, of Fairbanks, Alaska, drives his dog team toward the final Iditarod checkpoint of Safety on Tuesday, March 13, 2007.






This guy may be the most excited winner in Iditarod history…..

the last ranking:

1 Lance Mackey (13)

and i’m gonna be in that race next year, and 10-12 dogs running after me, can i run that far?!!***

*. chain killer= serial killer (made by me as a kid)

**. never bet on stupid things with stupid people. J couldn’t believe he won the bet and now i really don’t know what’s going on his dirty mind. “The winner can be the master of the loser for a day”. ain’t that bet too stupid?! if you didn’t hear of me  next week, surely something very bad have happened to J!

***. the other day a cow-orker ran to me asking whether i blog or not, i said” think i do, so?”  and he told me about here and i denied that i have so much time to waste. he wasn’t satisfied by my answer, but he went and never looked back again, probably afraid of being killed accidentally!

it annoys me when people search my name and get right here and i left so much clues for people ready to hunt me but till now my in-laws and close relatives never said anything about here, i hope they never do or me & J get into real trouble!




If i rant, if i cry, if i beg Mr. Almighty to die

he doesn’t listen to his sinful child

so i rant and cry and beg and shout

wishing for a moment that comes

when the world stop working

or i’m lying dead on the ground

whilst i can’t go through more pain

cos i’m weak, hopeless and down

( and i know you’re tired of hearing these

so i shut my mouth up and wait and bleed)


Paradise Lost p:38 bookIII

Hail, holy Light, offspring of Heaven firstborn,
Or of the Eternal coeternal beam
May I express thee unblam’d? since God is light,
And never but in unapproached light
Dwelt from eternity, dwelt then in thee
Bright effluence of bright essence increate.
Or hear”st thou rather pure ethereal stream,
Whose fountain who shall tell? before the sun,
Before the Heavens thou wert, and at the voice
Of God, as with a mantle, didst invest ***
The rising world of waters dark and deep,
Won from the void and formless infinite.
Thee I re−visit now with bolder wing,
Escap’d the Stygian pool, though long detain’d
In that obscure sojourn, while in my flight
Through utter and through middle darkness borne,
With other notes than to the Orphean lyre
I sung of Chaos and eternal Night;
Taught by the heavenly Muse to venture down
The dark descent, and up to re−ascend,
Though hard and rare: Thee I revisit safe,
And feel thy sovran vital lamp; but thou
Revisit’st not these eyes, that roll in vain
To find thy piercing ray, and find no dawn;
So thick a drop serene hath quench’d their orbs,
Or dim suffusion veil’d. Yet not the more
Cease I to wander, where the Muses haunt,
Clear spring, or shady grove, or sunny hill,
Smit with the love of sacred song; but chief
Thee, Sion, and the flowery brooks beneath,
That wash thy hallow’d feet, and warbling flow,
Nightly I visit: nor sometimes forget
So were I equall’d with them in renown,
Thy sovran command, that Man should find grace;
Blind Thamyris, and blind Maeonides,
And Tiresias, and Phineus, prophets old:
Then feed on thoughts, that voluntary move
Harmonious numbers; as the wakeful bird
Sings darkling, and in shadiest covert hid
Tunes her nocturnal note. Thus with the year
Seasons return; but not to me returns
Day, or the sweet approach of even or morn,
Or sight of vernal bloom, or summer’s rose,
Or flocks, or herds, or human face divine;
But cloud instead, and ever−during dark
Surrounds me, from the cheerful ways of men
Cut off, and for the book of knowledge fair
Presented with a universal blank…………

obviously i’m really busy. sometimes i have no time to pee and i mean it.
i eat like a big fat pig but not only i don’t put on weight at most i don’t lose weight.
many times there are so much stress to finish the reports and tests on time, i really wanna sit down and cry. and as bipolar as i am it’s really hard to make fun of things to change the tension and stress in the working place.
i’d be glad if there were 34 hours in a day, at least i could find some time for myself cos everything is hurting me, sometimes i feel my body is decaying from inside: terrible stomachaches, unbearable headaches, exhaustion,sleeplessness and worse than those my old enemy, Asthma. i’m not complaining (well yes i am) but it’s too hard to work 12-13 hours* a day without saying a word.

there are many things i wanna talk about cos these thoughts are eating me from inside but i find no time, i don’t have any time for my baby girl and just 1-2 hours for Meg at nights when get home hell tired. it’s so funny and pitiable. i eat she talks about her day, she washes the dishes, i talk about my day, no fighting, no arguing, no walk by the river side, no meeting friends, no time for teasing. we’ve turned into human robots and it’s so sick.

honestly i cant do much to help myself, i really need that 4-5 hours sleep cos even tired bipolars cant bear the sleeplessness for many nights.

i sorta miss myself, every time i look at myself in the mirror i see a stranger without feelings, it seems there’s no place for the sensitive guy i knew, i dunno what am i turning to but i don’t like the new look on my face, those eyes are so cold.
today’s news:
Ringed seals, like this animal near Barrow, dig out snow caves on the sea ice, where they surface to breathe and give birth and avoid getting eaten by polar bears. Warming is melting Arctic sea ice earlier, moving up the time when snow lairs dug by ringed seals collapse.

Team Eagle created “Snowzilla — I’ll Show You A Big Wild Life!” at the GCI Snow Sculpture contest downtown near the railroad tracks. People can pick up a paper ballot near the entrance to the sculptures and vote for their favorites, which are on display through Sunday.

so today the sun is shining, the sky is blue the temperature’s around 12 now and it’s gonna be round zero at night.

it’s 4.30 pm and it’s still day that means spring is coming

i’m dying for an hour sleep but cant so i can take some sleep when i get home.

today i moved my fcuking ass and took one of those killing tests.

i almost shit in my pants when looking for the results.

yippeeee it was negative, no AIDS for me.

well i knew i was this good boy doing it all in a very safe way, didn’t i?


ok so let’s go back to the book i was reading, “paradise lost”

as soon as i finish my work i’m gonna treat anyone to dinner.**


lemme close my eyes

lemme sleep here and die?!?!

*. i know there’s no word like sunnily but that’s how i feel now

**. this one was a big lie, i haven’t got my check for the first salary yet!

a while ago i could say what was the wrongest thing i ever done in my life but now i’m not sure anymore
i know having sex with my own cousin was so wrong, i know quitting university before getting my master’s was so wrong, i know drinking alcohol was so wrong, i know doing drugs was so wrong (may be even toking that bad habit of mine that cant get rid of it really is wrong too!)
may be marrying meg was the wrongest. i knew i was gay from day one but i tried to deny it(just like having bipolar disorder). i know im a worthless exhibitionist cos im half naked standing infronna the window most of the year and more than that i enjoy stripping for strangers , i know i love baby alexis (this is a fatherly feeling). i know i had a few boy friends that turned my life into a real hell (but every one may meet & love wrong people), i know i hate gang bangs (cos i hate crowded places-more than 3-). i know though 3 & 4 somes were my fantasies once, in reality it was utter shit and pain.
i know i sometimes enjoy being a whore and yet there are many things i don’t know but there’s this fact : i cant be a wonderful gay daddy and i cant stay gay and have Meg as well.
may be this makes some people who care happy, me and J broke up or as he says ” i dumped him”. i dont wanna blame him on anything, it was all my fault, he was a nice guy but i shouldn’t let him in this much, may be we were sharing love and passion we weren’t suppose to share intimate things like family, wife, baby.
it was my own stupidity or his eagerness to have a share in everything. as far as i know Meg never let him get too close to her, an arm round the waist was ok but more than that she always got up and went to another room to do the things she prenteded that must be done instantly.
i think she wasn’t much interested in our moans and groans and it wasn’t a turn-on to watch another guy fucking the legs off her husband. yes i should have known all these but men are not that understanding until you give them clear clues or tell them what you really think.
i really hated myself when i told Meg about breaking up with J and she embraced me so tight bursting into tears and sobbing hard, i felt sorry for her.  i told myself “look bitch, what have you done to her!”
i’m so used to analyzing my own feelings to find out how real they are, may be it’s a bipolar habit of mine but i cant analyze my love to Meg, i have NFI about it, may be it’s because she wasn’t my girl-friend in the first place, may be it’s still that brotherly-sisterly promise we made long time ago that keep us together or may be it’s because of Alexis.i dunno and i don’t care to know any more.

but for me being gay now sounds like a choice and not something natural. there must be a reason it same sex affairs are forbidden in many religions and cultures.

i’m not sure what i really wanna do from now on. obviously i have that feeling and chemistry for guys that cant be ignored.

i even tried to find some hot girls for a fuck to confirm being straight or at least bi but they make me sick to death.

so i’ve decided not to force myself or Meg into choosing something hurriedly, i wanna think and i don’t wanna deny i still feel so dammed gay but let’s spend a while with my wife than dating guys and see what’s gonna happen next!

a bit late but….
There have been many, many times when I may have . . . .

disturbed you,
troubled you,
pestered you,
irritated you,
bugged you, or

got on your nerves,

But today I just want to tell you that…


so the other day, i mean last night, as usual we had our gathering in a little restaurant not far from where we live.
i have to mention it’s been snowing ice and shit (something like cats and dogs!) for a while and as a result of my worst nightmare, i never drive in snowy nights (the reason is obvious, take a few seconds to think of it!) so we let J do the driving and parking & living in Ak, the biggest state of US of A, there ain’t much difference in finding a parking lot unless you have a “disabled” number and I’m not a proved disabled or they don’t count bi polars as mentally disabled guys!
we went in (we: me, Meg & Alexis) & waited but after 10 minutes there was no sign of my fella, J. so we thought he might be killed in action.
after waiting a few more minutes, i decided to live the warm comfy place and look for my missing body, hoping to hear his death report soon probably killed by some hungry bears.
and there came my baby koala, so me and Alexis went outside standing in the snow and singing “Mary had a little fucking lamb” cos she loves that song and walking here and there to avoid being frozen.
alas, there was no sign of J and i was pretty sure that my homosexual nightmares were over and i could get back to my not very straight life, so i hugged Alexis, ran a few yards away from the door to make sure he was dead, then back to the restaurant to ask Meg call him or call 911 when i heard someone calling my name.
as long as it was only me & Alexis on the street, the voice was surely calling me, so i pressed my brake pedal and turned around looking for the source of noise.
i was sorta petrified cos i couldn’t believe my own eyes, fuck my photographic memory, i can hardly remember names and numbers but faces and events stick in my mind for years (& nope it’s not good cos there are many things i wish i could forget but they run infronna my eyes in the undesirable moments)
She was pretty older than i could imagine, well i haven’t met her for more than 15 years but her voice was the same and as strict as ever. once again i felt like the little naughty elementary student i was & god knows how naughty i were, i was a living disaster but i think i would have behaved better if i had known what was waiting for me in the future.
she was my 4th grade teacher, though it was very hard to please her, she’d been the best teacher i ever had.
once i drove my mom really crazy and she threatened me she’s gonna tell Mrs. X, i locked myself up in my room and didn’t talk to my mom for a day; it’s so vague but i think Mrs. X told me something that later i apologized my mom & some years later mom told me actually she had talked to my teacher and she told her not to argue with me a lot, i was just an energetic genius boy & one day she’s gonna be proud of me.
I’m no more energetic nor genius, may be i could become some one to be proud of if i stayed in university but i didn’t and i dunno how my mom feel about me but i guess i didn’t bring shame on my family.
ooopppss back to last night, i was really surprised cos it’s been more than 6 years that we had lost our contact ; i used to send her mails (not e-mails!) when we moved to another city the next year and we kept in touch till me & her moved to another place at the same time and we had no chance to find each other again and to be honest it’s been a while I’ve forgotten her;-)
yeah, last night, i know!
so after being petrified i woke up again with Alexis squeaky voice, yes she wanted to be introduced 😆
and Mrs. X was over-excited by the extremely cute baby girl i have so she wanted to see her mom so i asked her to join us for dinner so we went in and all those greetings and boring introduction blah blah blah and yes she said i was too lucky to have Meg (fuck it , is it that obvious?!?!)
and i forgot the existence of J when outta nowhere this poisonous mushroom jumped in our little happy company.
after exchanging a few passionate words like where the fcuk you’d been or bitch, didn’t you promised not to smoke, we came to the point of introduction so i said:” this is J, my….. ” and i couldn’t think of a proper word after so many lovely words Mrs X said about having your own family and what a darling family we were, she left no place for my boy friend and thanks to Meg for helping me in the last moment.
“he’s bellboy’s best bud” -yeah that’s it!-
the rest was boring just eating and reviewing old days and telling my wife what a terrible troublesome kid i was that i wished i could drown myself in the glass of coke infronna me cos blushes weren’t enough!
in the end we exchanged addresses and numbers and asked her to come visit us next weekend.
conclusion1: ignore your old teachers when you’re out with your boyfriend!
conclusion2: i love being so gay and still being married to a very straight wonderful woman,(to her: baby, i love yo)

The other day me, Meg and J were discussing random things when Meg mentioned the article she read in the Time magazine (,9171,1584786,00.html) and then 3 of us, being the experts of our own kind, started giving ideas.
And i hate J for making fun of my fears about the baby girl, he can’t understand cos he doesn’t have his own kid and no matter how much he loves Alexis and the other way round and how close we are and doubtlessly how much I love him myself, Alexis is my girl and not his so at most he tries hard every day to teach Alexis new words and as a result she’s hell confused and gave up the idea of talking utterly but still says “no” when necessary.
back to my fear, one of my nightmares is some shithole rape my beloved girl one day and then she cant deal with the feelings and the rest, surely I won’t let that dick-head live one more day as soon as i know his name and i don’t let the jury decide instead of me cos lawyers can influence them easily.(aggressive, huh?!)
Yeah it’s a nightmare and as J mentions almost always, Alexis is jus 1.5 years old and i have a lot more to worry about than the rape and assault but well i can’t help myself so you can blame it on my sick bipolar mind!
But what do you call rape?
Rape (verb): to force somebody to have sex with you when they do not want to by threatening them or using violence

So does it mean you need a gang of masked guys with handcuffs and guns and a shouting crying kidnapped girl to call it rape?
If a woman consents to having sex with a man but then during intercourse says no, and the man continues, is it rape?

And according to that article it depends on where you live. The law in Maryland & North Carolina regards rape as “when a woman says yes, she can’t take it back once sex has begun–or, at least, she can’t call the act rape.”
Mel Feit, executive director of the National Center for Men, a male-advocacy group based in Old Bethpage, N.Y., says “At a certain point during arousal, we don’t have complete control over our ability to stop,” he says. “To equate that with brutal, violent rape weakens the whole concept of rape.” His group has created a “consensual sex contract” to be signed before intercourse.

i don’t deny that there are times the other head decides what to do next but surely i can stop the whole thing using the head with the brain in it. i guess we’re not animals yet, are we?

and it’s ridiculous to sign a contract before sex, just think of the whole procedure that i have to copy the contract umpteenth times and put ’em by the side of the bed, then every time turn the lights on look for a pen and make my wife sign it. And may be we should put a time limit there, she can protest in the first 2 minutes then I can’t stop anything so she better bears with that.
So I must be a real animal then!

I have this understandable rule of thumb, when she (he) says no, it’s a “NO” I shouldn’t try or I have to stop right there and I don’t think it’s to hard to stick with so I expect others to treat me the same way.

To my surprise (not really) Jeff mentioned something that sounded true. Even people in his trade can be raped.
Surely they fuck for the money but if a john do something against they will or as they say “get really fucked” that can be rape! So even prostitutes can be raped, better remember this before contacting the next escort 😉

And it’s a big pleasure to live here, I love Alaska and I love this city or as they say I love the big wild life!
*. The big wild life is the new logo for Anchorage so you better stop laughing at me, d’ah!

first of all i gotta thanks all those bitchy curious guys who look for Alasqa-related words and end here. i guess I’ve disappointed hundreds of people by now 🙂
as long as it’s winter in almost every part of US of A even Texas LOL, if you really wanna know what homeless guys do, you better put on all your warm clothes and take a walk round the streets to find the answer!
But to be honest, things are more complicated and a lot worse.
i can spend a whole night out when the temperature’s between 10-30 but below that, i have no fucking idea!
Since we moved here we always had this very warm cozy place (except the few nights i was struggling with the central heating ) so it’s pretty hard for me to imagine the hardness of staying out all night, let alone people who doesn’t live here and have NFI how it is like to have ice & snow 7/24 for most of the year. Honestly this is an unforgiving cruel harsh environment for the homeless, so if you’re a homeless i highly recommend warmer places like Hawaii or Australia at this time of year.
It’s not unusual for someone to be found dead every morning you make the distance to work and specially in large cities. Obviously for some reason they didn’t make it to a homeless shelter or passed out from the drugs or booze and froze, that old story.(another reason that you must stay sober in Alaska!) Surely There are a few homeless shelters in some cities but the truth is there isn’t enough room. So each person is limited to a certain number of days per month in each shelter so they roam from shelter to shelter and try to stay with someone or find someplace in between to make their nights last the full month. One of the shelters has an inner courtyard and when the temperature is below 0F they let people sleep in there. Also I think the neighborhood vans that roam around checking on the homeless, call the police if they find someone who is passed out or incapable of getting to a shelter and they are hauled to jail for the night (it’s cool, ain’t it? so don’t forget to bring your illegal rifle when you have no where to go! And then there is Beans soup kitchen-they feed all that they can. But, the alcoholism and drug addiction has created a huge population of homeless souls roaming the streets of this city and it is a sad and pitiful situation.I think it’s a lot worse than other cities though we may have less homeless here.
I am truly impressed with the services that are put in place to try to help but well,it’s jus sucha big problem!
Comparing here with Bethel, I never met people walking on the streets all night, like me many of them were regular runners. but here whenever I move my lazy ass going out for an hour run I see more people walking on the streets then there are cars;always, day and night, there are people on the streets.
Though I’m not as racist as my teen years, I still don’t wanna see immigrants. here the homeless can receive free health care if they are lucky enough to be Native. And you i think it’s not fair, homeless is homeless, native or not. If we pay so much attention to being Native or not we better do something for them and let the rest have the health care.

the homeless have their own reasons not to have a place to live in but let’s blame it more on Alcoholism and Drugs. Many of us wasted some of our youth dealing with them, what did we gain? nothing than regrets, I always regret the time i wasted on booze and drugs, i could make use of my brain!
Let’s stay sober and next time we meet a homeless better not to turn our head, they could be our siblings or friends. may be we have lotta financial problems ourselves but surely we can afford a sandwich for a meal, let them have it, may be one day we get better things.

I. i really didn’t want to write this long but as long as it’s been a while my mail-box is empty like hell and i don’t surf the net much cos i get killing headaches using putter more than 1.5 hours, let this post be long!

II. i wanted to write about my first day at work but WTF, it sucked and i’m sure i have to waste lotta energy to tolerate my cow-orkers but well let’s not judge the book by the cover, that was jus a first day.

III. slowly slowly I’m getting used to my new family. to my surprise J is no more a boy friend, i dunno what the hell he is doing in my family but I love him and i have NFI how we lived without him.

VI. this headache is killing me, i better go!

I hate cloudy days and more than that i hate my passive episodes.
i wanna stay in bed and do nothing beside sleeping and crying and praying for my own death.
And how pitiable and helpless i look.
And it fucking ridiculous to share everything you had with some one else unwillingly
And apparently I’m sharing my family with my boyfriend or vice versa.
so my wife my daughter and my boyfriend are out going to the movies and restaurants and me sitting on the bed staring at the traffic light on the other side of the street and counting the cars passing the light and waiting for them.
i need a dead body, it can be me it can be some one else.
and how meaningless is the word “my”?
do i have anything of my own?
yes i still have my body but i lost my soul again in a crowded street the other day!

I’ve been lying on the bed most of the day and the only think i managed to do was babysitting Alexis and shopping. ridiculously i got lost on my way back home though my sense of direction sucks, i never forget the path once gone.
my mind is somewhere else and i can’t and don’t wanna bring it here cos i enjoy recalling the memory. it’s 10th of Muharram,the first month of the Islamic year. yeah, you don’t care and have NFI why you have to care! well you don’t.
there were a few moments and places in my life that shook my heart and soul so hard, i changed my directions 90-180 degrees. i don’t wanna name them cos they’re pretty personal.
there’s this weird feelings in holy places and holy days. i haven’t felt it in Jewish or Christian places but the Islamic ones.
it’s really hard to understand how they can mourn so passionately after 14 centuries. i still remember this time last year, i was just a witness than rather part of the crowd, and i really wanted to join them but i couldn’t.
the belief and faith must be so strong and woven so close to the heart that you mourn like that, otherwise you’re just a witness, you see them but you can’t understand and the curiosity drives you up the walls that you want to spend days reading books to feel like them a bit.
and i read a few books and now i regret why i didn’t read more.
but i’m not a good translator and i don’t have those books now so i googled the word and it really didn’t satisfy me but it’s worth reading once.
And the history amaze me, Soldiers and many other people are dying everyday in the same place aka Karbala and no one or just a few people mourn.
this time in 61 AH they murdered Hussein and his followers in the most unforgivable way, and now i really don’t know who is murdering who!
but i do believe in “stop war” and i thank all American soldiers but fuck ’em all, it was never our war, how many innocents should die before they realize the bloodshed? what are they looking for?
14 centuries ago only 72 innocent people died, people still mourn for them and some still remember the reasons they were killed so innocently; you don’t need to be Muslim to understand the tragedy. all you need is to know the real story.

and i dunno what people gonna think 14 centuries later, i’m sure it’s gonna be forgiven in less than 2-3 centuries. only the movies made based on some truth and fucked up with Hollywood’s effects may be viewed to find out how stupid we were.

i doubt 14 centuries later there would be any earth on the solar system.
i don’t fucking care about Vietnam war, WWI WWII cos i had to remember so many foolish names in history lessons; so don’t expect our children to remember anything or want to know how stupid their parents were.

i wish i could understand but i can’t. ALL i know is “stop that fucking war” cos i’m tired of working more than 50 hours a week to pay those fucking taxes mostly used to killing innocents than doing something useful for the people living in US of A!
I rest my case. now i wanna cry for those innocent people murdered 14 centuries ago and more than that i wanna cry for myself.
What is Ashura?
The day of Ashura is marked by Muslims as a whole, but for Shia Muslims it is a major religious festival which commemorates the martyrdom at Karbala of Hussein, a grandson of the Prophet Mohammad.
For Shia Muslims, Ashura is a solemn day mourning the martyrdom of Hussein in 680 AD at Karbala in modern-day Iraq.
It is made up of mourning rituals and passion plays re-enacting the martyrdom.
Shia men and women dressed in black also parade through the streets slapping their chests and chanting.
Some Shia men seek to emulate the suffering of Hussein by flagellating themselves with chains or cutting their foreheads until blood streams from their bodies. (not nowadays!)
Some Shia leaders and groups discourage the bloodletting, saying it creates a backward and negative image of Shia Muslims. Such leaders encourage people to donate blood.

Islamic schism
The killing of Hussein was an event that led to the split in Islam into two main sects – Sunnis and Shias.
In early Islamic history the Shia were a political faction (known as the “party of Ali”) that supported Ali, son-in-law of the Prophet Mohammed and the fourth caliph (temporal and spiritual ruler) of the Muslim community.
Ali was murdered in AD 661 and his chief opponent, Muawiya, became caliph. The great schism between Sunnis and Shias occurred when Imam Ali did not succeed as leader of the Islamic community at the death of the Prophet.
Caliph Muawiya was later succeeded by his son Yazid, but Ali’s son Hussein refused to accept his legitimacy and fighting between the two resulted.
Hussein and his followers were massacred in battle near Karbala in AD 680.
Both Ali’s and Hussein’s deaths gave rise to the Shia cult of martyrdom, and to their sense of betrayal and struggle against injustice, oppression and tyranny.

Who is Hussein ?
The leader of the small band of men who were martyred in Karbala was none other than Hussein, son of Ali bin Abi Talib and grandson of the Holy Prophet. Who was Husain? He was the son of Fatima for whom the Holy Prophet said, “Hussein is from me and I am from Hussein. May God love whoever loves Hussein.”
With the passing away of his brother Hasan in 50 AH, Hussein became the leader of the household of the Holy Prophet. He respected the agreement of peace signed by Hasan and Muawiya, and, despite the urging of his followers, he did not undertake any activity that threatened the political status quo. Rather he continued with the responsibility of looking after the religious needs of the people and was recognized for his knowledge, piety and generosity. An example of the depth of his perception can be seen in his beautiful du’a(prayer) on the day of Arafat, wherein he begins by explaining the qualities of Allah, saying:

” (Oh Allah) How could an argument be given about Your Existence by a being whose total and complete existence is in need of you? When did you ever disappear so that you might need an evidence and logic to lead (the people) towards You? And when did You ever become away and distant so that your signs and effects made the people get in touch with you? Blind be the eye which does not see You (whereas) You are observing him. What did the one who missed You find? And what does the one who finds You lack? Certainly, the one who got pleased and inclined toward other than You, came to nothingness (failed).”

On the other hand, we have Yazid, whose father (Muawiya) and grandfather (Abu Sufyan – the arch-enemy of the Prophet) had always tried to sabotage the mission of the Holy Prophet, and who showed his true color by stating in a poem, “Bani Hashim had staged a play to obtain kingdom, there was neither any news from God nor any revelation.”
Mas’udi writes that Yazid was a pleasure-seeking person, given to wine drinking and playing with pets. It is no wonder that Husain’s response to Yazid’s governor, when asked to pay allegiance to Yazid was, “We are the household of the prophethood, the source of messengership, the descending-place of the angels, through us Allah had began (showering His favors) and with us He has perfected (His favors), whereas Yazid is a sinful person, a drunkard, the killer of innocent people and one who openly indulges in sinful acts. A person like me can never pledge allegiance to a person like him …”
The revolution of Hussein was an Islamic movement spearheaded by one of the great leaders of Islam. The principles and laws of Islam demanded that Hussein act to warn the Ummah of the evil situation which it was in, and to stand in the way of the deviating ruler. As Hussein himself remarked when he left Madina for the last time, “I am not rising (against Yazid) as an insolent or an arrogant person, or a mischief-monger or tyrant. I have risen (against Yazid) as I seek to reform the Ummah of my grandfather. I wish to bid the good and forbid the evil.”
Hussein was killed on the battlefield as he did Sajdah. His head was removed from his body on the plains of Karbala, mounted on a spear, and paraded through villages and towns as it was taken to Damascus and presented at the feet of Yazid.

Why remember Ashura ?
Why is Hussein regarded as the “leader of the martyrs” ? It is because he was not just the victim of an ambitious ruler. There is no doubt that the tragedy of Karbala, when ascribed to the killers, is a criminal and terrible act. However when ascribed to Hussein himself, it represents a conscious confrontation and a courageous resistance for a sacred cause. The whole nation had failed to stand up to Yazid. They had succumbed to his will, and deviation and regression towards the pre-Islamic ways were increasing.
Passiveness by Hussein in this situation would have meant the end of Islam thus Hussein took upon himself the responsibility of the whole nation. The greatest tragedy was that one who stood up for the noblest of causes, the defense of Islam, was cut down in so cruel a manner.
It is for this reason that the sacrifice of Hussein is commemorated annually throughout the Muslim world.

یک لحظه سکوت کن و به اطرافت نگاه کن. دیدی چقدر کوچکی؟ حالا فهمیدی که هیچی نیستی جز یک نقطه ی خیلی کوچک در یک بینهایت!
هیچ کس تو رو نمیبینه!
اصلا چرا باید ببینه؟
حالم از تمام این برفی که اطرافم را گرفته است بهم می خورد! آخر زیادی تمیز است و من خیلی کثیف
بوی تغفن را تو هوا حس می کنم
this body stinks and it’s all mine, just for me and nobody else!
have you ever imagined what happens to the body when buried six feet under?
my body is decaying right infronna my eyes, i can feel all those little microbes eating me alive, i can feel their metabolism, every second millions of bacterias are born to eat me , to accelerate the speed of destroying my whole existance
and i’m sitting right here and watching them, it’s another documentary and i’m the star! does anyone want to nominate me for a prize? what was the name? aha the most disgusting man on this planet.
چشمهایم را می بندم و سعی می کنم در سکوت اطرافم غرق شوم. همه جا ساکت است , آنقدر ساکت که تا چند دقیقه پیش می توانستم صدای تپش قلبم را بشنوم ولی دیگر هیچ صدایی نمی آید. دیگر قلبم نمی خواهد بزند و احتمالا مرده است, بله از این بوی گند خفه شده است؛ از بویی که همه جا هست!
leamme alone and let me cry for myself, they’re burying my body cos the smell was killing them.
it’s been a long time it was in the town; they could smell it whenever they passed me, even some of them could see me, stared at me but then left. Many didn’t see me at all but i was sitting there silently watching them pass by and enjoy the disgusting view of my rotten body.
after a while people who lived on that street were so used to the smell that it didn’t exist for them anymore.
some said that i was still alive but i should be cremated for the sake of the city, more people were dying because of that dammed smell.
and they took me to the churchyard cos the priest said if they cremate me the smell would be doubled and then the ashes flew in the air and spread the smell
So they buried me and i sat there quietly watching them, there was a big hole dug, i bet it was more than 10 feet, they threw my body there and in a flash of light tones of soil covered my body, i watched them as they finished their job, nobody came for my funeral, nobody cried.
آنقدر تنهام که فکر می کنم اگر جیغ هم بکشم کسی نمی شنود! شاید بشنود ولی اهمیتی نمیدهد.
انگشتهای استخوانی ام را دور گردنم حلقه می کنم و با هر نفس حلقه را تنگ تر. یک چیزی زیر انگشتهایم می لغزد
yeah, Adam’s apple , the symbol of sin, big unforgivable sins
and my life is covered with sins, they’re so many that i can’t remember all of them .
and i no more feel guilty but there’s no joy left!
I told him not to come, I warned him that the ending wouldn’t be happy, I begged him not to ruin everything, I asked him to end our foolish relation
But he didn’t listen, he came and i wasn’t waiting for him and he didn’t wait for my reaction, he didn’t let me decide.
in a fraction of a minute he was in the bedroom , so did i
i closed my eyes, then opened. we were cuddling and caressing each other like we’ve done it for years. my brain was still in control and i tried for the last time. it shouldn’t happen, not then, not there , not to me.
an other wink, he was on top, and it felt great, i wasn’t fighting anymore, i surrendered myself to him.
i can’t believe i let him do that to me. another unforgivable sin.
and i deserve hell, i can feel the roaming fire touching my skin just for a momentary joy.
was it joy or was it lust?
دیگر به هیچ جایی تعلق ندارم. گم شدم. تک و تنها وسط یک بیابان. بدون آب بدون عذا بدون دوست
تمام فرشته ها رفته اند. من ماندم و کوهی از گناه. گناههای ریز و درشت , گناههای نابخشودنی
i let him fuck me on our bed. on the bed we shared so many sad and happy moments, i sold her to get nothing but a painful pleasure, a feeling of being filled, a gay feeling
مطمئنم دیگر نگاهم نمی کند چون او هم مثل سایر فرشته هاست. تحمل این همه کثافت را ندارد
this body stinks, every where is filled with dirt, with my own shit.
and i’m a helpless miserable fag, worse than that i’ was so shameless, i didn’t give her any chance to forgive and forget.
where’s my rifle? i have to end this shitty life, i have to be a dead body so they can bury me.
They won’t bury me alive, this body stinks, i can’t breathe anymore, let me die!

i spent the last 3 days in haze, it seemed an eternity to me. we left home to spend two romantic days in a hotel and we ended 2 fucking days in hospital, me walking nervously through the hallways as if i could find help round a hidden corner.
in the last 96 hours i’ve slept only 4 fucking hours full of nightmares and written more than 20 pages about how i feel then tore them and threw them to the garbage.
now i think sharing sad moments is the extreme of selfishness. every one has his/her own problems probably umpteen times worse than mine.
today i found another side of me, the one that appears once in every million seconds, i was the man i should be.
once in my life i was the man in Meg’s dream. i was there for her, not dropping a tear, not shouting “why me again” and i was hell calm that my friend thought i was gone insane. i can’t believe it was me.

i think my mind hasn’t analyzed the data yet or i wouldn’t look like this super strong guys dealing the sad moments without dropping a tear or getting drunk or toking something to feel better. well i took a few more anti-depressant pills but i don’t think that’s the reason.
So probably once again God listened to my stupid thoughts, ” end my life or end her life cos she deserves a good dad” ok God, you know i really didn’t mean it, we don’t have the right to choose our parents, do we?
so no matter how disgusting i am, she was my daughter, she was mine , wasn’t she?i really loved her.
you gave her the right to choose, the kinda right you rarely give your dirty creature known as human. she loved her mom so she thought 9 fucking months is too much of a pain, let’s cut it shorter to 6.5 months, she was too small, too innocent and she looked so much like her name.
so Angela born 2.5 months earlier cos her mom couldn’t take the pain anymore, and it wasn’t safe for both of them. Angela had to survive till the morning so she could continue her life in the hospital for several months before we could take her home, she fought for the sake of her mom and her sister but then she saw her disgusting dad, “that’s my dad? ” she asked the angel by her bed “yes, he is”
so Angela thought for a few hours, she had to choose between the heaven she came from and the hell she was entering, so she made her decision. “mom, no matter how much i love you, i can’t tolerate so much dirt, i wanna remain pure, i wanna go back to my creator.”
so she went and i stood there thinking about the heart that didn’t beat any longer, the heart that brought so much joy to my dull life. i held her and kissed her for the first and last time and then let her join the eternity she deserved.
i let my friend take care of the rest cos i’m not that strong, i can have her ash soon.
“so is that all you wanted?” i asked myself since the time i touched her body.
i know i’m a real piece of shit but my tolerance is below normal.
i’m jus 26 yrs old and till now i’ve lost my grandpas , my grandma, my parents and my daughter, ok what’s next on the list? couldn’t we make a deal? take my life and gimme the list, is it too much? am i asking more than i can?

the lovely docs have found another knife to tear my soul apart, so early this morning they’re gonna have a little operation on my wife’s breast to get rid of some devilish tumors that find a comfy place to live. sounds like a fucking cancer, doesn’t it?
i’m hell calm, i’m sitting silently pressing the very random buttons on a friend’s putter while Alexis  and he are sleeping peacefully in another room and my lovely wife is still in hospital. i wanted to stay there but they thought i need some sleep, those fucking idiots, how can i sleep?
so i wrote and doodled as much as i could till i found the courage to use this putter without permission, i hope he doesn’t mind.
all i want is my own death and i’m sure many people gonna attend my funeral to make sure that disgusting guy won’t harm them any more.
and what a romantic time we had. we came here 4 and we’re gonna go back home 3. this time i really don’t wanna go back home, i don’t want those heartfelt sympathies.
and i didn’t blogged cos i wasn’t sure how much i wanted to share and i didn’t want others to know what we’re up to. surely they could help, a warm call, some lovely words to keep the faith yada yada yada……

shit, i lied to mom-in-law cos Meg didn’t want her mom here, she said she has me, what a precious thing to have uurrggghhh.
i know she doesn’t read my blog but i know some very close friends read this crap to make sure i’m still sane.
for the sake of heavens, tell her the truth but we don’t want her here though she’s Meg’s mom. and don’t call me, my cell phone’s off.
I’ve said enough, i think i better try to sleep a little, we’re gonna have another hard day.

it’s simple, there’s an end to every fairy tale and not all end in “lived happily ever after”


been surfing through net, downloading forms and reading a lot of “how to do”.

wish i could find a way out, but seems at least i could find some good links,this and this

first of all gotta thank range, it’s been a while i wanted to write about what some people wear but jus wasnt in the mood.
i live in a place that as a guy you cant see much of beauties cos it’s so dammed cold and there’s no bar here, besides it’s kinda different from other part of the states, they have their own traditions. but recently i met a gal that to my view was really desperate.
i was playing basketball the other day, it was me and the ball and the ring infronna me, i was quite mad at myself and i was trying to get rid of my anger by banging the ball against the ring when a gal stopped me, she asked me a very silly question. “is it fine to wear whatever we like here?” it took me a while to analyze what i heard, it sounded really silly, who cares about what i wear while playing, so i answered like wise guys:” yes it is, it jus gotta be decent”
then she asked:’whatdya call decent?” me:”????? decent is eeerrrr decent, something you can…………. dammed me, my eyes got fixed on what she was wearing, cant describe it very well cos i dunno what i should call it, it was like a very tight top, better say a crop top, with a very loose  neck, something like polo neck, not really bad at first sight, but when she moved a bit the neck fell apart and then you could see things that were shown intentionally, it took me a while to realize she wasnt wearin any bra, nice boobs to be honest but she wasnt showin them to the right guy cos i jus shook my head and went to the other ring to blast my anger.
normally i shouldnt complain about what teens wear, the more i can see, the happier i am NOT, sometimes i feel pity for them, wearing such tight jeans that cant cover half of their asses, a baby shirt that even alexis doesnt wanna wear cos it’s too small and such uncomfortable boots, is it worth the trouble, i wonder.
younger generation can find a decent clothing themselves if bitches like britney, paris, yada yada yada stop fuckin with their minds, i was never much interested in the fashion things, but to be honest i sometimes like wearing tight things, it’s not really indecent for guys, i jus gotta keep my pants on and that’s enough, besides im quite skinny and not many people like watching a skeleton walking in the streets 😉
may be it doesnt look relevant in the first place but in many religions it’s a must to cover some parts of the body, thinking deep it makes sense very well. not only nobody likes to see extra fat of someone else’s cos not every one’s a model but things can be much better if well-shaped girls dont show thier boobs and cunts to tom, dick and harry. may be some says if women (&men) cover themselves it makes the opposite sex greedier, but it’s not true, if it was then why there’s always a high demand for new porn stars. human is a greedy creature, he wants everything and there’s no end to his greed, the more he gets, the more he wants. sex is not a vital need,you can never satisfy it, you can eat 1-2 pizza and then you cant have the 3rd one but it’s not really true aout having sex.
so if i met a decent woman and i think dirty of her ; it’s my problem, i have to fuck my head with a washing machine. even a wise dirty man knows he shouldnt flirt with such a woman.
conclusion: i dont say women should veil or even cover their hair, but there are more to cover first. if i see less i wont get tired of my own wife soon, hey wait, im not tired of my wife, dont look at me like that 🙂
aha and it wont be bad if guys dont go out in jus shorts, it’s ok but jus think about the fags, it may give them hard-ons hihihihi

i never hated little human beings, so God rewarded me for my deeds with a little baby girl that well, some how i adore (surely not when she wakes me up in the middle of the night or bugging me). Not a lesson learned. so i give it one more try & waitin for another little disaster (stupid me; so inexperienced).

some people thought (in bery old days) that chidren are our future. well some fuckin centuries ago they were, helping with the farms yada yada yada. but not these days, they’re waste of money you could spend with your spouse (recently discovered that it’s wiser to spend it on your own, wish i known this a few months ago, alas!).

so back to the kids, these little demons are jus a curse, the revenge of our own parents for driving them crazy…..

there’s no way back, once you let them in. but whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was “DON’T!”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve…we have forbidden fruit!!!!!”
“No Way!”
“Yes, way!”
“Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God.
“Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?” said the Father.
“I don’t know,” said Eve.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
“Did not!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
7. Just when you redecorate their room into a nice TV room, they show up with boxes, suitcases and large dogs, to move back home.

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.



ok guess alexis finished peein in her nappy, gotta change her asap!

note: not all written by me of course.

PS: congrats to Sarah Palin, the first woman to be the next alaska’s  governor, lucky republicans but actually democrats did better generally speaking. let’s wait & see what a hell’s gonna happen to my salary with additional taxes. RIP boy, i have no idea who’s gonna pay so many bills, loans…… does better day exist?

let’s pray to Allah this lady remembers 1/100000000th of what she said or i have to head south, yeah im talkin about mexico!


walking leisurely by kuskakwim, one cool night, slowly slowly you can feel the creeping winter coming, yesterday was around 28-29 & surely it’s gonna drop more. what am i expecting? surely it’s not hawaii, but feeling cold or warm is not always related to temperature, right?how many times you had this weird feeling of being cold in an extremely hot day & being warm in a cold day?

so i was walking by kuskakwim, sooner or later this river gonna freeze & it wont melt for several months.
compared it with charles, the silent river running through boston to reach ocean, the river that witnessed many lives, many deaths, the history of america & yes it’s so silent, so calm as if it’s not moving, it’s been there since i was a little kid, i walked by its side many times, on my own or with different people, there are many dark corners by its side, im sure you can still hear the song of sad coins in metal cups, calling for help. and you pass by, sometimes you look at the guy with the cup, black or white, it’s the same, asking for the same thing with the same accent. i doubt they remember the boy who walked by the river so many nights, sometimes you could hear the coin song from his pocket too trying to share his metal circles with those cups, sometimes holding hands of his girl, looking for a big rock to rest & start his guitar party. now he’s gone & only charles remembers him.

and i was walking by kuskakwim, miles away from charles, moving proudly to reach another big water, it has its own story, witnessed another history, there’s no long sad song of coins by its side, its lively happy whispers & shouts, whenever it escape from its icy cage, it gives life, it gives happiness, not at all mean like charles, in warm summer days it feeds many families, it washes away the pain of long cold winters, so it cant be silent, when it’s moving it wants the world to hear him.

then i was walking by kuskakwim, her little warm hand holding my little finger, she put all her fears in her little hand & gave it to me, singing happily with the river, laughing as if there’s nothing in this planet that can harm her cos she’s holding my hand. sometimes she turned her head to look for her mom, i followed her looks & there she was, sitting calmly on a rock with a big smile ensuring her little angel that she’s waiting there till she comes back.

so it’s time to end my torture. i’ve been thinking about that night for a long time, i’ve thought enough, so much that i cant hear the sirens anymore, there’s no smell of burning fuel & blood in the air, it’s so vague now, it’s an old memory, nothing that i wanna keep in my heart, so this year i wrote my last letter, i’ve been through so many sad & happy days that it seemed it was more than a year but it wasnt, & i’ve grown-up, i dumped the boy when i left boston, so why not forget the rest.

so i was standing by kuskakwim, the river i started my new life by its side & i let it carry away my last mail cos this time i didnt wanna burn it, i watched it go, a few tears and i erased the memory, i wont let it bother me again. so “goodbye mom, goodbye dad” , i know they are watching me, they’re always with me but only the good memories, thanks for loving me thanks for sharing your life, thanks for dedicating yourselves, i’ve learned my lessons & i promise to try my best to be as responsible as dad and as caring as mom, i love you for ever.

and in the distance i could hear meg calling my name, so did alexis in her weird language that it so much sounded like “dad” to my ears, i looked at the river again & there was no sign of my letter.

and i was running by the side of kuskakwim to join my family, there was an hour drive on the trails to get back home & it was getting dark.

so you lay down motionless on the ground, drops of blood here & there & yeah, a pool of blood right near your heart, you can still feel the hot penetrative metal bullet in your body, you can see the blood running outta it, another breath & that was the last.
now your body’s all dead & you’re jus standing outta it, time to say good bye to your body. once it used to belong to you, it was all up to you to make it go to places it didnt want, watch things it hated, touch disgusting things,….
& now it’s all there, on its own, not listening to you at all & you’re standing there naked , hey hey it’s not a nightmare, wake up. the game’s over. open your eyes, look, listen, touch on by your own senses.
now you can hear the sirens, you can see the guys out there, it’s been a while since they arrived and you were so busy saying farewell that you didnt noticed your surroundings.
come closer, take a thorough look, yeah, good. so you got the point that your shooter stole your vallet too, no identity anymore. may be later they find out who the fuck you were, a real bitch that nobody cares about you, sooner or later they’re gonna close your file without finding the murderer, you were a worthless asshole, who would care about you?
Go to hell now cos nobody will ask Lord for RIP for your soul.
heyyyyyyy, i didnt mean that kinda firing, i wanted to thank those bastards for giving me the sack. Perverts, fuckwits,retards…$#%#^#$^
im a real jerkass at work but those who can fuck the shit outta me & make me quit are real @$$holes, i swear.
ok, let’s forget about the extra K bucks, at least im back home, a caring wife & a naughty kid all together. you know sometimes the money’s not worth the trouble.
let’s get down to business aka cooking dinner.
btw anybody knows how i can turn off the faucet in the sky, these endless rains are drowning Ak.

fcuk this world, why the shit always pour right on my head?!

ok thanks God, i have an extremely tight schedule till 15th of feb. next year, that means i wont have much time roaming in the net, fuck this life to its extremes *~*