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Category Archives: nightmare

i feel his fingers running up and down my spine as if counting something, a silent lullaby for my sleepless night, unaware of the world surrounding me, i count my own breath, a replace for the sheep jumping over the fence cos recently they’re tired of jumping over anything and they gave me a warning of over-crowded fields, all will die soon cos of hunger.

thinking about the sheep i missed the seconds his hand moved a good 10 inch lower resting a finger on my butt hole, i stop pretending to be asleep just to avoid him from going any further. now i have his hand in my own, biting his fingertips, and he responds pretty quickly by biting my earlobe. i turn and sleep on my back, staring into his bluish gray eyes. i have something on my mind but im not sure he wants to hear it. sometimes i amuse myself by thinking before talking, it’s his habit not mine. i bite my lower lip to avoid words; trying to guess what his answers can be, he says i look funny when trying to keep my mouth shut. so i try harder and he smiles at me, one of those irresistible smiles i love so much, the next moment we’re kissing really hard, having our very own tongue fight and i never found out why kissing him is so different.
he let me break the kiss to catch my breath but i dont wanna continue anything.
“can we talk seriously now?” i ask him.
“we always talk seriously, don’t we?” he answers with a killing smile on his face.
me:”i’ve been thinking……..”
him:-” don’t think too much, k?”
me:” bitch, listen to me………”
him:” wait a sec, have you taken your pills?”
i close my eyes to think, have i? i dont remember.
me:” i think no.”
he gets outta bed to fetch my pills, i bite my lips very hard seeing him running to the kitchen naked, what if the little girl wakes up. i grab the blanket and run after him to the kitchen, it’s a fair deal, he has the blanket, i have my pills and then another kiss, some nights we’re boringly too romantic and it seems everything is getting worse the more we live together.
“do you think they can fix their relationship?” i ask swallowing all the water in one breath.
he sits on the table with the blanket carefully hiding his body, ” i think they should.”
me:” and what if they dont or cant?”
him:” it’s their life.”
me:” but it we must do something for them, they’re our friends.”
him:” do what? it’s their lives, not ours.”
i fill my glass again, swallowing each sip with as much as hesitation i can waste on those water drops. he strokes my hair a bit, making it messier than its natural way, “don’t think to much” he whispers in my ear.
i stare at him without saying a word, counting my own heartbeats and im not even sure about the words marching in my mind.
“im gonna talk to him seriously, i started it, i should be the one ending it.” i say at last.
he grabs my hand firmly:” you’re doing nothing than keeping your mouth shut, it’s not about you. he didn’t have a crush on you, it’s all lust but if you have a crush on him, it’s another thing to consider. ” he pauses for a few seconds before going on ” you didn’t have a crush on him, did you?”
i ‘m not sure about the answer, i keep on staring at the floor until little tears run down my eyes.
he grabs my hair and pulls it so hard i cant avoid not looking at him, “answer me? what happened between you two?”
i get up and stand infronna him,pressing his wrist as hard as i can to loosen his fingers round my hair.
” Ace, listen, i really have no idea, im so confused, things with him is very different, but i know you’re the only man i love and i wanna live with.clear?”
he puts his arms round my torso and pulls me close giving me a long kiss and we remain in the cuddling position till i hear little squeaking sounds from her bed, telling us she’d be outta her bed any second. he runs to the bedroom and i goes to her room, another bathroom trip for her.
after putting her to bed and kissing her goodnight with a short censored second bedtime story, i go back to my own bed and he’s waiting for me.
“what’s different about him?” he asks casually.
“nothing” i jump under the covers.
“do you wanna try it that way with me?” he insists on continuing our boring conversation.
“no, turn the lights off, i wanna sleep.” i hide my head behind the covers.
getting outta bed, turning the lights off and back, i can feel his hand round my neck, pretending to suffocate me if i dont talk.
“i’m choking, i’ll tell you everything.”
-” ok”
“everything, now sleep.”
-“asshole”
“i know it, thanks, good night.”
and there’s silence everywhere before i break it.
“what about talkingto both of’em tomorrow!!”
-” about what?”
“hhhmm not breaking up.”
-“why should we? it’s their relationship, private, can you understand.”
“ok, night”
after a few minutes, he breaks the silence
-” why do you want to do that?”
“i feel guilty.”
-” it has nothing to do with you, they’re swingers, they’re so used to other guys in their life, try to understand, ok?”
i take a deep breath “i understand but they’re our friends”
-” holy crap, stop being so OC, i really dont need to sleep with jesus”
im cant help myself not to laugh, probably no one wants to sleep with jesus, pretty boring i guess to be advised during the bedtime.
i kiss him on his cheek, ” ok sleep with me and keep your faith son, we’re gonna talk to them tomorrow, ok?”
-“as you like, night jesus”
“night son”
sometimes i have no idea how he tolerates me, i know i cant save myself, let alone the world im living in but i cant stop trying not to save others, probably another wrong sick incomplete gene in my brain.
i’m gonna talk to them anyway, they’re the closest frinds we have here and i still think they’re such a gorgeous couple.

once upon a time, long time ago, “to be, or not to be” was a question, but now things have changed a lot. the “being” is not that important. the being…. makes difference.

so the other day i was chatting with “the other guy”-don’t think wrong, he’s straighter than anything you can think of, so he’s just a friend- and the conversation went on like this:

 me: hug me

that guy: already

me: where?

me: how?

that guy: cant you feel it?

me: no. i think you’re hugging the wrong guy

that guy: what??

that guy: you re fat and pale, right?

me: fuck u! where have you gone?

me: gay-asian bar? 

that guy: oh, shoot! it’s a girl.

me: huh?

me: went to the les? omg

that guy: God im blessed!

(i showed him my picture)

me: this is me

that guy: really?

me: yeah. btw do i really look fat and pale?

that guy: no,   you look weird

me: why?

me: do i have horns and tail and boobs?!

that guy: gayish?

me: i dunno.you tell me

that guy: you feel like choosing a right path, buddy??

me: what path?

that guy: your life

me: hhmm no so sure. but i think it’s fine

me: u dont agree?

that guy: sorry i dont

me: i guessed so

me: is your way right?

that guy: i guessed so

me: lucky then. im not jealous

me: i couldn’t change anything actually

that guy: i dont ask you to

that guy: really?

me: yes really

that guy: you re a loser i know

me: u know i tried

me: i know it

me: no need to be reminded

that guy: never again

me: my pleasure

me: you wanna confirm what?

me: my whole existence is a sin?

that guy: that’s confirmed

that guy: no need to be reminded

that guy: just wonder..

me: wonder what?

that guy: it is stupid that you think you couldn’t change anything and blame god

me: i dont blame him. i never did

me: i just say my creation was the worst thing he could do

that guy: that’s blaming, pal

me: ok. i cant change it. I’m fucked

that guy: now let say, you cant change it and you just follow it

me: ok as you say

that guy: now you wanna affect people around yo?

me: i was born a loser. no i just want to love and be loved

that guy: don’t you think ya have power

me: for what?

that guy: look at your words, man. you have power

that guy: you may have affected many people

me: to be a jerk?

that guy: you happy?

me: i think so

me: you wanna conclude I’m happy with some powers, right?

that guy: maybe, and happy you get some attention with that

me: what a poor creature i am then

me: i’d rather go to bed

me: g’night

And the chat was over but i didn’t go to bed. later we chatted a little more and he claimed i’ll be a threat to my little girl for being gay.

how can i be such? i mean no harm to her. well may be drunk dads say the same but still beat their families but i’m not into alcoholic drinks nor drugs. and i don’t think loving my boyfriend would make me so insane that i try to harm my little girl. that’s way too stupid.

but well there’s this possibility of being hated by her for my sexual orientation. that’s as much as possible when parents kick their kids outta home for the same reason.

i don’t wanna conclude anything and i don’t wanna deny being bisexually gay. and i think even denying it, won’t help me much when me and my wife are screwing one an other and i can’t stop my mind thinking  of him instead of her.

but there’s this fact. i’m a loser in this world and the world of the dead. i can say i tried to change a few things but i’m not giving my boyfriend to a pile of written stuff claiming i will go to hell for being myself and for loving the man of my dreams.

why no guy goes to hell for loving a woman? (3-4 women in other religions!) that’s not a sin but it can make me a real psycho running after my daughter for that reason.

oh my dearest you have no fucking idea how much i missed you all those endless long endless day-like nights, staring at empty pages, or even the blue thing on top of other people’s writing cans all saying to me, sorta even deceiving me to write!

officially i haven’t blogged since 12th of last month, technically i haven’t written any crap for a whole month and by now i’m dammed sure my psychiatrist is so proud of me.

i can’t say it was a good time but it was fine. and i really have no idea to whom i’m talking too. Alllooooo any muthafucka out there?

if you wanna become an expert, you need helluva practice. and i can’t even write a logical thing (let’s pretend i could write some time ago)

so as for the start or kinda end to something review the last 6-8 weeks!

1. broke up with my ex (fucking bastard, it was obvious he wasn’t my kind)

2. changed my psychiatrist and as a result went through all the shit with new meds and dosage!

3. the baby girl turned to be Ms. talkative with lots of crazy questions, just giving me headaches and making me wish i was deaf!

4. i gave up the idea of spending so many nights surfing the net and instead i started to read some books!

5. some fucking bastard stole my laptop and a few other things, just forcing me to choose between a brand new laptop in the next 3 years or a digi-cam for the coming 3-4 months.

6. last not least apparently and to some extent obviously i found my mr. right and Gawd he’s so sexy and lovable. i’m not gonna give any details cos you may kidnap him. all i can say is that he’s so much better than all the guys i’ve dated to date!

what else?

aha, as long as i’m back and i’ve made my mind to keep on blogging and writing crap for a while i thought this blog needed a new look and beside the new theme (that i have it on my other blog and love it so much!) i needed a header so  without further ado, i bring to you the extinct species living in north pole aka me (i know you were dying to see my face!)

i know i look really ugly and remind you of your great great great grand father but i can promise you to have a plastic surgery asap (i’m saving for it, may be you can help me a bit!)

ok, that was enough for today. i’m gonna change the header soon, i’m just looking for something better!

when he doesn’t take his pills, his world looks so crazily crazy.
honestly i haven’t finished my report yet, there’s still a lot left and I’m not sure whether i can finish it tonight or not cos I’m so down and depressed and surely I’m not in the mood of doing anything right now.
I’m glad you’re feeling better and at last you found some time to spare and check here…………………..
you know every word i type takes ages to come to my mind and it takes me a good 5 minute to finish every line. i type a few words, stare at the screen and then ask myself:” then what? is it all you want Keith? are you sure these are the words you wanna say?” then i answer myself with a big NO and another long meaningless stare.
(you have no idea how long it took me to write the lines above!)
i feel weak, my hands are cold as ice, yes it’s nothing unusual. i dunno why my hands are so cold every day and it’s been like this all my life.
I still remember that guy at highschool, I still remember his green eyes and warm big hands and how much i enjoyed sitting by his side and he holding my hands in his so they wouldn’t feel numb anymore. i remember once i told him:” B I really love you, why you keep on ignoring me?” and he didn’t say a word, just smiled and held my hands tighter. I wish i could see him again and this time i wouldn’t hesitate to kiss him.
sometimes I’m not sure how alive i am cos it’s hard to hear my own heart-beat and yes my hands are cold, as cold as the ice outside; then how could i be still alive?!
it must be something very weird to feel ok, so are you ok?
you know i had to finish that fucking report but i didn’t. it was a “must-be-done” obliged by myself cos i have to read tones of articles and there are 2 articles that i have to write it by myself in a week time and i don’t have any idea how to write them cos i have to open piles of books and spend hours searching before i can write the introduction;and next week I’m going back to Anchorage and it’s again another +12 hours working everyday and would i have enough energy to finish anything?! surely not cos I’m not a super hero with significant natural powers.
Keith, don’t drown, for God’s sake, don’t drown!

I’m sick of myself, I’m sick of this world, I’m sick of everything and everyone cos there’s no reason left to go on, i wish i could puke my brain and dig into my rib case to take my warm beating heart out just to take a look at it, just to make sure it’s still beating. and what should i do if it wasn’t beating, it wasn’t warm but a big cold stony thing?!

how much i like to lock this door and stay in my bedroom forever, and do you know how long forever is?! is it too long?
i would have locked the door if i knew where the key was but the key is not in this room; it’s not here so where is it?
yes i know it must be miles away, probably melted to something better, may be a a wire for cutting heads, but who makes wires outta cast iron?! Keith, you know no one do that cos it’s not possible to extrude cast iron that much! you passed that course, didn’t you?

so why i agreed with her that we shouldn’t lock doors in our home?! i dunno, may be she was afraid of the day i do something stupid?! then that’s so stupid cos I’m doing stupid things everyday and why should she bother if i hurt myself? is it really that important?

i spent most of the day reading and thinking; what was the name of that book? i dunno
And who was the writer? i don’t have any clue, but i know it was written in French and all i read was a quite good translation that you had to re-read some parts to understand and you couldn’t skip lines.
and how much i felt like the heroine of that tragedy , was she the heroine then? did she drown herself? if she did then why the writer didn’t say anything? why I’m still sitting in my bedroom on bare floor and leaning against the door so no one can come in!
it must have been a good story that i cried when it finished. and i cant see the point those fucking tears are getting together to make a big drop and run down my face just to give me a feeling of wetness and salt.
hey it’s been years since the time you grew up and you’re still seeking for that thing, for that lost part of your past?! and why don’t you stop it? yes i know you like dreaming about your own nightmares and what’s that big nightmare making you hide behind your blanket and weep sadly? are you really that sad or you like that bitter feeling of being lost in your never-land and cry for help. shout as loud as you can and then shut your mouth cos there’s no voice left for you and you know nobody cares!
you care?! why should you? tell me just a reason and that’s gonna be enough!
because you love me?! that’s stupid cos i cant see the reason to be loved.

no, i wasn’t created to be an angel, i was made to be a fallen creature struggling in his own shit every minute. so where are you hiding now? don’t you really wanna think nasty and talk dirty? where’s your next blog entry? look that guy’s such a turn-on , how dare you stand still and stare at the nothingness infronna your eyes when he’s shaking that sexy ass so wild!?!

how sick i feel, how tired i feel and how much………. no i don’t want this dirty life end cos i cant stand my own shouts and cries and begs when suffering that eternal torture on my sluttish body.
“I didn’t give you this body for your sexual pleasure, you were supposed to worship me, to praise me, to beg me to forgive your stupidity. how dare you committed so many sins in front of my very eyes, you little worthless creature of mine” he’s gonna say this, he’s waiting there to rip my flesh with his divine sword and say this to me.
” so you wanted to be disobedient?! you thought that it was a big ridiculous joke written in those holy books saved there just for you to laugh at in the future and tease your creator!? who you thought you were?! weren’t you another creature i made cos you had to exist on this big planet so i could show my heavenly powers, I’m the mighty one, so kneel and praise me.
you rude creature, how dare you stare at me with your sinful eyes. i didn’t give you those eyes to gaze at whatever bare body you could find; those eyes were given to cry for forgiveness.”

I’m an attention seeker, i do anything to attract attention and i don’t mind what it is: it can be exposing my body to whoever wants or exposing my thoughts to strangers. i offer you my hand for help but actually all i want is pulling you closer to own you. i want you for myself, i want you to pay attention to me and just me!
and how lonely i am cos I’m lost. he’s there watching me, waiting for me to call him and he’s gonna take me outta this shit with his almighty hands.
“call me son”
” no, i don’t like you, i cant see the reason to love that infinite eternity. why you created me? how dare you created such a weak creature that you knew he’d fall and could never climb up to your heavenly doors?! you enjoy watching me suffer from my own sins every now and then that i feel there’s no reason for living but just loving you and then i go, i cry helplessly in front of your powerful eyes and go. go back to my every day life.
“so how’s Alexis doing? want a ride on daddy’s back?!”
or kissing my sweetheart and saying” babe, so what should i buy today?”
or spanking that boy and slipping a tongue in his warm mouth and thinking:” he tastes so good”

how real are they? ain’t they a reflection of my own thoughts?
who am i? what am i doing here? are you sure I’m the one I’m trying to show?

I’m 26, i have a degree in material…………… how do you know?
it’s obvious? yes I’m so fond of metals, I’ve been a fan of heavy metal all my life, huh?! no not that metal? so you want me to talk about forging? or why you cant weld aluminum? or how you can make nano-wires?!
how small a nano-wire is?! i think i have some wires in my closet, lemme bring ’em!

I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m weak, this stomachache is killing me, it’s been days since the first time it bugged me. ” i must be hungry” so i eat, i empty plates but it gets worse. i try to ignore it. then it must be PMS. PMS? are you alright?
yes I’m alright, I’m sure, it’s my PMS!
so when did you last have a period?!
hhhmmm i don’t remember, it must be years ago. yes it’s so long i don’t remember when it was. can you tell me how it is like, may be i have one right now?!

where’s that book*? was it a book or just notes? where have i put it? did i really read it?or may be it was a dream?
momma, i wanna talk to you!, do you know where daddy is? huh?! he’s gone. yeah yeah i know.
what? it’s not polite to use “yeah and huh!” why momma, why it is like this?
huh? i shouldn’t call you momma cos it’s childish?! then what should i call you? is it ok if i call you mom, or what about mommy, i think mummy’s gonna be much better!

why i felt so much like Clarice? yes you were such a good mom. i could kiss and hug you whenever i like but did you ever botheryourself to ask me how i felt?
“mommy i feel sore in my throat”
–“ok, i’m gonna take you to the doctor, i’m gonna make you soups, i’m gonna give you orange juice”
“mommy, i won’t come home before 8, we’regonna have a game with the other team from the other school”
–” ok, but be home before 9″
“momma, you know today i scored 20 points all on my own, you know we win and those guys were so tall i have to pass the ball between their legs”
–“why your clothes are so dirty? put ’em in the washing machine and hey wash your legs before going to bed”
“momma i got A+ in my geometry exam and you know it was so hard, many of the other kids could hardly get a “D”!”
–“good, now wash your hands and come have dinner”
“momma, why you never take a look at my report cards?”
–“cos i know you have good marks!”
“momma, do you know which grade i am in?”
—————–
“momma i need a bike”
” if you get good marks, we’re gonna buy you one”
“momma, ever wondered how i go to school?”
“yes by bus!”
“so why you never take me there?”
“cos you can go yourself”
“momma do you wanna come and see the final game?”
“no, i hate basketball”
“momma we won, take a look at my -fake- medal?”
“put it there and take a shower”
“momma, my friend john told me his mom helps him with his homework, so why don’t you help me?”
“cos you have to do it on your own”
“momma may i sit on your lap?”
“wait, i have to finish cooking”
“momma can i sit on your lap now and you run your fingers through my hair”
“ok”
“why don’t you cut your hair?”
” ok, i’m gonna do it, if you kiss me”
and she kissed me.
“why you never kissed me good night?”
“cos you’re a man now”
“but you never did it when i was a kid”
she turned her head.
“keith, don’t cllimb that tree, you’re gonna hurt yourself”
“no, i won’t, wanna come up?!”
“momma why you never come to school and talk to my teachers”
“for what?!”
“to see how i am doing at school”
” cos there’s no need, i know you’re a good student”
*********
“momma, you gotta come to my school tomorrow”
“why? ask your dad to come”
“no you must come”
after lots of struggles she came.
” you know Mrs…… you have a genius son but ….” they didn’t let me stay.
on the way home. “momma, why are you so silent”
she didn’t answer, surely she was thinking about what i did.
the next day she gave me a box of color pencil. i knew what i had to do, i gave it to the boy sitting next to me; later i threw his pencil box in the garbage can. no i didn’t want his pens, i want my mom to come to my school, she didn’t say a word. did she understand why i did it?!
*********
“momma today i met…..” slamming the door, she doesn’t mind i met someone i love.
“momma you know today me and … went to the lockers and……….” yes she doesn’t care her son is no more virgin.
and did she ever ask me why?!
yes once she found the romantic letters i wrote.
“so tell me what are these?”
“nothing, well they’re not mine, they’re for my friend’s. he gave them to me so……..”
shit why i could never lie to her.
“end it, you’re still a child”
” ok mom. ok, i will”
yes i ended everything, and she didn’t bother herself to ask me whether i loved her or not!
AND YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN I GOT MARRIED, YOU WEREN’T THERE TO SEE YOUR GRAND DAUGHTER AND YOU’RE NOT HERE TO SEE HER TALK!

yes, i’m 26. i’m a grown up man or at least i look like one and i’m still looking for a mom.
that old lady sitting in the park,yeah she’s so perfect to be my mom.

“do you want a son?”
“do you wanna be my mom?”
“i promise to be a good boy , you know there’s something bothering me, there’s something eating me from inside and i don’t wanna tell my wife, ….. yes she understands but……..
thank you
can i sit here?
am i a bad son?
you know i really tried to be better but i cant change myself.
you know last night………
hhhmm actually ………
yoohoo any body there?
you’re gonna mail me, ain’t you?
what?1 you’re busy tonight? ok i can wait- or i have to wait-
am i bothering you?
do you mind if i kiss you?
can you hug me?
i’m not feeling ok.
you know you’re such a good mom, i love you…………

BUT YOU’RE NOT MY MOM AND YOU NEVER WANNA HAVE SUCH A SON BUT WELL YOU’RE SO GOOD THAT YOU DON’T WANNA BREAK MY HEART. OK I TRY TO BE YOUR MOM BUT YOU KNOW……
YES I KNOW, YOU’RE NOT MY MOM, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND THERE’S NO REASON TO CARE ABOUT SOMEONE LIVING MILES AWAY. SOMEONE YOU MAY NEVER SEE!
I APPRECIATE YOUR ATTENTION AND I LOVE YOU AND YOU KNOW IT’S NOT JUST WORDS….
I WISH YOU WERE MY MOM AND THANKS FOR EVERYTHING**

*.I was reading this:” Elle est parite” by ” Catherine Guillebaud”
**. those words asking you to be my mom are so familiar to your eyes, am i right? and you know I’m talking to you and i knew no other way to thank you.
***. i know no one wants a son like me but if you ever wanted a son for free, I’d be happy to have a mom!

sometimes our dreams come true and then we wish we’d wished for something else.

everything is all right. the central heating is working properly so Alexis is back home.

me & Meg had a great time together but it was more riding than hiking hihihi

then me & J shot our last weapons and now we’re more than friends again.

i’m enjoying another depressive mood though there are a lot to enjoy.

i dunno why i feel so down so often!

it’s 9 am, i haven’t had breakfast yet, J & Alexis are still asleep and Meg’s out for shopping and me doing nothing. i think it’s gonna be another boring day lying on the bed and staring at the walls and drowning in endless nightmares.

stay sick cos i’m feeling blue!

I’m getting ready to get up and get dressed and get my lazy ass in right gears to move and leave home for a while to get something to eat. got what i said?

Spending my third day of staying home and doing nothing and just staring at random things and waiting for random things to crash on my head or other random unexpected unfortunate events, nothing special has happened till now. So i made my mind to get outta home and do something productive like running after kids, sitting on ice and catching no fish or shooting some moving things and then call ’em moving moose.

honestly it seems i was happier when working more than 12 hours a day, at least i was doing something and by the end of the month i could smile at the sight of those additional figures in my account.

right now: Meg & Alexis are out at some friends’ place, in-laws are enjoying themselves  doing i dunno what and my fucking boy friend is hanging with some (read one) cute girl(S) he met the other day.

and i know you’re green with envy! yes it feels great not to work that i feel i’m going crazy if i stay one more hour at home and i have decided to go back to my old job till the end of my vacation, then finish my fucking contract with that fucking company and get back home (that’s gonna take a whole month so fuck ’em all!)

and I know now you’re saying why i’m complaining 7/24 when zillion of gay guys are dreaming of my life and i wonder how they can be gay when they’re fantasizing about boobs and pussies!

i feel so gay today cos when i woke up, it was 10 to 8 and no one was at home and nothing was left for me to eat and i had 2 notes stuck to the fridge; one from my wife saying i could have crackers and milk for breakfast and she won’t be home earlier than 5 pm and i have to pick her up and i can join them for lunch if i were in the mood of getting outta house, taking a bath and shaving.

the other note from J was a lot better; it started with a “fcuk your lazy ass for sleeping too much” in bold and italic and big red font and i hate red pens! then telling me  he’s gonna spend his day with the girl he met the other day in a party he went with Meg & Alexis last Sunday.

things worrying me:

1. is it wrong to sleep 2-3 hours a day?

2. why no one tried to wake me up and take me with themselves?

3. why my gay boyfriend look so straight to me?

4. should i buy Meg a…… for our first anniversary or buy Alexis a tricycle or buy myself a skateboard or buy J a pair of rings for his wedding?

there must be something very wrong with me, i know it’s too hard to deal with depressed me and it’s hell boring to be down so often but at least they could offer taking me out than letting me stay home and drown in my own shit.

And i’m gonna laugh till death if J fucks that girl and tells me he’s not feeling gay anymore!

Wanna have a boy friend with a wife and a naughty kid? i’m 5′ 10”, 137 lbs and i’m just a pink elephant lost and looking for a caring guy, i’m not too ugly (yeah i look better than your gay grandpa! ) and i earn ….k$ per month, so can we meet tonight cos i feel so gay and i need an @$$ to f***.

i knew you were jealous of me, admit it!

does  it sound lame if i say i never had an accident , or at least not anything that i was the guilty driver?!

so last morning me & J were going to work and he was driving slowly (let’s say over 90 mph) and suddenly bang!

nobody hurt, no animal killed, nothing much serious except the fact i had a heart attack and all the hair all over my body went straight.  if only there was something to spray called “after shock”.

and i dunno who gave those mothafukcers driving license. And J was lucky it wasn’t his fault or i have shot him dead right there and ran away and then the cops ran after me and i said i didn’t shoot him cos i loved him so much then they caught my in-laws and surely they’d say we loved him more than our own son-in-law who’s a real asshole,then they would think the murderer was one of his old clients and no pro writes down who they fucked each day and they don’t pay any tax so why should i pay so much and i don’t smoke anymore cos they wanna increase the tax on cigarette and i don’t fucking care what the hell they do with that money but well i care and that’s my money they waste on killing innocent people and who told those bitches to go to other countries and fire their shitty missiles and yeah those bitches are probably my friends and why am i so crazy to hate them, huh?! my own bastard brother wanna join army? i’m gonna shoot him right now and how many people have i killed yet? i must be a chain killer* and this place is so hot and the iditarod 2007 is over and i couldn’t believe i cried cos i lost the bet to my shitty boy friend and i dunno what the hell he wanna do with me but gotta wait till the end of the week

and what caused so much trouble?!!!

of course that drunk driver who hit his truck against ours and i wish him death but well nothing serious happened.

FUCK Jeff King he wasn’t among the top 3, i have to cry cos i’m afraid of the weekend, i’m going to run away to another country, may be Canadah cos J seems to have some devilish plans for me **

Lance Mackey shouts for joy under the burled arch in Nome after winning the 2007 Iditarod Sled Dog Race on Tuesday March 13, 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance Mackey, of Fairbanks, Alaska, drives his dog team toward the final Iditarod checkpoint of Safety on Tuesday, March 13, 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

This guy may be the most excited winner in Iditarod history…..

the last ranking:

1 Lance Mackey (13)

and i’m gonna be in that race next year, and 10-12 dogs running after me, can i run that far?!!***

*. chain killer= serial killer (made by me as a kid)

**. never bet on stupid things with stupid people. J couldn’t believe he won the bet and now i really don’t know what’s going on his dirty mind. “The winner can be the master of the loser for a day”. ain’t that bet too stupid?! if you didn’t hear of me  next week, surely something very bad have happened to J!

***. the other day a cow-orker ran to me asking whether i blog or not, i said” think i do, so?”  and he told me about here and i denied that i have so much time to waste. he wasn’t satisfied by my answer, but he went and never looked back again, probably afraid of being killed accidentally!

it annoys me when people search my name and get right here and i left so much clues for people ready to hunt me but till now my in-laws and close relatives never said anything about here, i hope they never do or me & J get into real trouble!

 

 

 

Iditarod sled dog race leader Jeff King stands backwards on his sled as he crosses the 90 mile Kaltag portage before arriving in the coastal village of Unalakleet, Mar. 11, 2007.

the last time i checked the news , i got this

rank musher (bib)

A big FUCK!

and me & J started a new week together cos I  found him a job in the place i work, so at lunch times we can escape to the men’s room for some passionate kisses and a few fucks hihihi

apart from the so many good news i received, I found my lil sis’ mail telling me she’s gonna get married soon. it’s been a while we didn’t have much time for each other but i think she’s gonna have no time from now on and i’m really happy for her.

as i manage to slow down my stressful life, there are many things waiting for moderation.

sooner or later we’re going back to our little city with less work and more time for ourselves and friends and here comes the question: Would i ask J to come with us?

i still need some time to ponder and i’m gonna write my decision when it’s final cos i don’t have the energy for arguments and reasoning.

hhmm about the title, it was in my blogstats and i could swear it’s been written by my dad-in-law but well that’s too late for him to search a way to get rid of me 🙂

and do i let a boy with bipolar disorder to be my daughter’s boy friend? nope. it’s not because people with bipolar disorder are terrible, you shouldn’t give the chance to making a baby with that sickness cos the shit is too much to deal with and that’s really selfish of a parent!

time for a joke, this place’s been so creepy the last few days

“A Normal Person”

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor.. “A normal
person would use the bucket because it’s bigger
than the spoon or the teacup?”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window
or close to the door?” (reality sucks, right?)

If i rant, if i cry, if i beg Mr. Almighty to die

he doesn’t listen to his sinful child

so i rant and cry and beg and shout

wishing for a moment that comes

when the world stop working

or i’m lying dead on the ground

whilst i can’t go through more pain

cos i’m weak, hopeless and down

( and i know you’re tired of hearing these

so i shut my mouth up and wait and bleed)

*****************

Paradise Lost p:38 bookIII

Hail, holy Light, offspring of Heaven firstborn,
Or of the Eternal coeternal beam
May I express thee unblam’d? since God is light,
And never but in unapproached light
Dwelt from eternity, dwelt then in thee
Bright effluence of bright essence increate.
Or hear”st thou rather pure ethereal stream,
Whose fountain who shall tell? before the sun,
Before the Heavens thou wert, and at the voice
Of God, as with a mantle, didst invest ***
The rising world of waters dark and deep,
Won from the void and formless infinite.
Thee I re−visit now with bolder wing,
Escap’d the Stygian pool, though long detain’d
In that obscure sojourn, while in my flight
Through utter and through middle darkness borne,
With other notes than to the Orphean lyre
I sung of Chaos and eternal Night;
Taught by the heavenly Muse to venture down
The dark descent, and up to re−ascend,
Though hard and rare: Thee I revisit safe,
And feel thy sovran vital lamp; but thou
Revisit’st not these eyes, that roll in vain
To find thy piercing ray, and find no dawn;
So thick a drop serene hath quench’d their orbs,
Or dim suffusion veil’d. Yet not the more
Cease I to wander, where the Muses haunt,
Clear spring, or shady grove, or sunny hill,
Smit with the love of sacred song; but chief
Thee, Sion, and the flowery brooks beneath,
That wash thy hallow’d feet, and warbling flow,
Nightly I visit: nor sometimes forget
So were I equall’d with them in renown,
Thy sovran command, that Man should find grace;
Blind Thamyris, and blind Maeonides,
And Tiresias, and Phineus, prophets old:
Then feed on thoughts, that voluntary move
Harmonious numbers; as the wakeful bird
Sings darkling, and in shadiest covert hid
Tunes her nocturnal note. Thus with the year
Seasons return; but not to me returns
Day, or the sweet approach of even or morn,
Or sight of vernal bloom, or summer’s rose,
Or flocks, or herds, or human face divine;
But cloud instead, and ever−during dark
Surrounds me, from the cheerful ways of men
Cut off, and for the book of knowledge fair
Presented with a universal blank…………

obviously i’m really busy. sometimes i have no time to pee and i mean it.
i eat like a big fat pig but not only i don’t put on weight at most i don’t lose weight.
many times there are so much stress to finish the reports and tests on time, i really wanna sit down and cry. and as bipolar as i am it’s really hard to make fun of things to change the tension and stress in the working place.
i’d be glad if there were 34 hours in a day, at least i could find some time for myself cos everything is hurting me, sometimes i feel my body is decaying from inside: terrible stomachaches, unbearable headaches, exhaustion,sleeplessness and worse than those my old enemy, Asthma. i’m not complaining (well yes i am) but it’s too hard to work 12-13 hours* a day without saying a word.

there are many things i wanna talk about cos these thoughts are eating me from inside but i find no time, i don’t have any time for my baby girl and just 1-2 hours for Meg at nights when get home hell tired. it’s so funny and pitiable. i eat she talks about her day, she washes the dishes, i talk about my day, no fighting, no arguing, no walk by the river side, no meeting friends, no time for teasing. we’ve turned into human robots and it’s so sick.

honestly i cant do much to help myself, i really need that 4-5 hours sleep cos even tired bipolars cant bear the sleeplessness for many nights.

i sorta miss myself, every time i look at myself in the mirror i see a stranger without feelings, it seems there’s no place for the sensitive guy i knew, i dunno what am i turning to but i don’t like the new look on my face, those eyes are so cold.
**************************
today’s news:
Ringed seals, like this animal near Barrow, dig out snow caves on the sea ice, where they surface to breathe and give birth and avoid getting eaten by polar bears. Warming is melting Arctic sea ice earlier, moving up the time when snow lairs dug by ringed seals collapse.

*.originally copy-pasted from my thunder bird inbox(without editing) that means it wasn’t written for blogspace but my friends.

surely some of you already read this, i apologize but i’m too busy to add anything besides i hardly see Alexis awake so i dunno what new words she added to her dictionary. this life sucks but i have to tolerate a few more weeks and the contract is over & surely we go back to our little city with more time to spare with Alexis.
_________________________________________________
1.baby Alexis and tablecloths
once upon a time there lived a very naughty baby girl aka Alexis.
she had a fetish about tablecloths, dreaming of them most nights, she even tried to say its name but well it’s a hard word for a beginner like her.
one day Alexis with mom+ dad went to a super expensive and luxurious restaurant with candles on the tables and romantic music playing. Alexis got ecstatic and began running and screaming making everyone look at them and her parents felt really embarrassed so her dad began chasing this little girl to stop her, she ran and ran and ran till she lost her balance and “ooohhh, no, she was falling” **
to avoid hitting the floor she got hold of her old fetish, and not to mention the very expensive articles on the table and the burning candle and the elderly couple sitting there and enjoying their meal.
so her poor dad had to make a quick decision, he had to grab her in time so she couldn’t pull the tablecloth………………
thanks heaven nothing happened only a few drops of soup dirtied that old lady’s pricey dress and the candle fell but luckily grabbed by the old man. poor dad sighed in pleasure and tried to release the part of tablecloth still remaining in Alexis’ firm fist. as soon as he succeeded Alexis burst in tears and the unlucky dad had to mug for her making a real ass of himself.
so after apologizing umpteenth time from that elderly rich couple and making sure they weren’t offended but became very fond of the little bandit they made a bee line for the exit door without having anything and thinking of a sandwich or two for the night!***
the end
ok bye honey, write me soon

**. Alexis raises a real hell when she falls, we usually ignore her so she gets up and begins running again but the screams and little cries are intolerable for strangers (such attention seeker she is!)
***. this really happened a while ago but J was with us and actually he suggested going to that place & paying for everything, honestly we don’t have the money for such places!
________________________________
2. Alexis VS. Cactus
i love my cacti a lot so i take them anywhere i move (try to imagine how horrible it was to move my cacti by plane!)
some days ago, i put my cacti on the table and went to kitchen to find a glass for watering them. this table is low enough that Alexis can take anything from that.
so came naughty curious Alex and there was this one with cute spines. it’s so natural to touch such things and then ouch, one of the spines got stuck in her little finger, me & Meg spent a while picking that spine outta her finger, then tied it with a little clothe to stop her from crying. it was just a little spine but she liked showing her finger to everyone then to answer the question “what happened to your finger?” she said proudly “tus”* and pointing at my cacti on the window edge.
so this is a new word, since then we call my cacti, “tus” and Alexis gets excited. she’s wonderful, ain’t she?
_________________________________________________________
3. “Tus” continued
i think we’re gonna have serious problems with the word “tus”, like the other day we were in the mall shopping and i pointed to a big toy moose
it was like “look there Lexis, that’s a big moose and he’s gonna eat yo”
Alexis at first looked a bit frightened then confused then got excited hitting the window and saying moose, then came the word bad (that she pronounces really well)
she hit the window too much till her little hand felt the pain at last, showing me her finger she said “tus”
i was like *~* all i could do was kissing her little fingers to heal the pain (it works very well for little kids) and started pointing at something else.

you know she’s great but well sometimes she drives you crazy you wanna either hang her or shoot yourself!
____________________________________________
4. those who have/ had their own kids around Alexis’ age know very well that these creatures are so awesome that you can write a thick book about what they do and say but nor me neither her mom have such time to write everything; and many times the incident sounds more annoying than funny.
if only this little creature had a manual life looked much better.
so wish me luck and stay sane!

Team Eagle created “Snowzilla — I’ll Show You A Big Wild Life!” at the GCI Snow Sculpture contest downtown near the railroad tracks. People can pick up a paper ballot near the entrance to the sculptures and vote for their favorites, which are on display through Sunday.

so today the sun is shining, the sky is blue the temperature’s around 12 now and it’s gonna be round zero at night.

it’s 4.30 pm and it’s still day that means spring is coming

i’m dying for an hour sleep but cant so i can take some sleep when i get home.

today i moved my fcuking ass and took one of those killing tests.

i almost shit in my pants when looking for the results.

yippeeee it was negative, no AIDS for me.

well i knew i was this good boy doing it all in a very safe way, didn’t i?

yaaaawwwnnnn

ok so let’s go back to the book i was reading, “paradise lost”

as soon as i finish my work i’m gonna treat anyone to dinner.**

*********

lemme close my eyes

lemme sleep here and die?!?!

*. i know there’s no word like sunnily but that’s how i feel now

**. this one was a big lie, i haven’t got my check for the first salary yet!

a while ago i could say what was the wrongest thing i ever done in my life but now i’m not sure anymore
i know having sex with my own cousin was so wrong, i know quitting university before getting my master’s was so wrong, i know drinking alcohol was so wrong, i know doing drugs was so wrong (may be even toking that bad habit of mine that cant get rid of it really is wrong too!)
may be marrying meg was the wrongest. i knew i was gay from day one but i tried to deny it(just like having bipolar disorder). i know im a worthless exhibitionist cos im half naked standing infronna the window most of the year and more than that i enjoy stripping for strangers , i know i love baby alexis (this is a fatherly feeling). i know i had a few boy friends that turned my life into a real hell (but every one may meet & love wrong people), i know i hate gang bangs (cos i hate crowded places-more than 3-). i know though 3 & 4 somes were my fantasies once, in reality it was utter shit and pain.
i know i sometimes enjoy being a whore and yet there are many things i don’t know but there’s this fact : i cant be a wonderful gay daddy and i cant stay gay and have Meg as well.
may be this makes some people who care happy, me and J broke up or as he says ” i dumped him”. i dont wanna blame him on anything, it was all my fault, he was a nice guy but i shouldn’t let him in this much, may be we were sharing love and passion we weren’t suppose to share intimate things like family, wife, baby.
it was my own stupidity or his eagerness to have a share in everything. as far as i know Meg never let him get too close to her, an arm round the waist was ok but more than that she always got up and went to another room to do the things she prenteded that must be done instantly.
i think she wasn’t much interested in our moans and groans and it wasn’t a turn-on to watch another guy fucking the legs off her husband. yes i should have known all these but men are not that understanding until you give them clear clues or tell them what you really think.
i really hated myself when i told Meg about breaking up with J and she embraced me so tight bursting into tears and sobbing hard, i felt sorry for her.  i told myself “look bitch, what have you done to her!”
i’m so used to analyzing my own feelings to find out how real they are, may be it’s a bipolar habit of mine but i cant analyze my love to Meg, i have NFI about it, may be it’s because she wasn’t my girl-friend in the first place, may be it’s still that brotherly-sisterly promise we made long time ago that keep us together or may be it’s because of Alexis.i dunno and i don’t care to know any more.

but for me being gay now sounds like a choice and not something natural. there must be a reason it same sex affairs are forbidden in many religions and cultures.

i’m not sure what i really wanna do from now on. obviously i have that feeling and chemistry for guys that cant be ignored.

i even tried to find some hot girls for a fuck to confirm being straight or at least bi but they make me sick to death.

so i’ve decided not to force myself or Meg into choosing something hurriedly, i wanna think and i don’t wanna deny i still feel so dammed gay but let’s spend a while with my wife than dating guys and see what’s gonna happen next!

it was like this, i swear!

Getting up too early the other day, I drove the 30miles road to the office on a cold dark morning so I could get to work earlier and finish my tasks sooner than usual to have a dinner out with my loved ones on the bleeding heart’s day!
**********
to inform those lovely friends wondering why they received no reply from a net addict like me, i have a few excuses to make:
1. i’ve lost my dentures,ooppps that was Sandra’s excuse!
2.we were packing and moving and those who know me a little better and longer are aware of the fact that how much i love moving (i was born GYPSY!) and this new place though doesn’t belong to us is much better and bigger than J’s place and yes it’s for free cos i work for that fucking company but i really have no idea why it is too far from my working place that i have to go outta home before 6am to be on time.
3. in the last 2 weeks I’ve experienced a new Me, dammed he’s hell responsible, quiet and rarely protests. i dunno how he got in or who let him in but i have to bear him for a while (till the end of my contract) if it was up to me I’ve quit this job the very first week cos I’m working like a donkey and they’re paying as much or sometimes less than other places with shorter working hours, yes he must be sick to stay but he says he has a family to support and he cant leave right away when he has no other place to go cos he has to pay the loans, so let him rule for a while but i swear I’m gonna get my territory back ASAP!
4.I’m trying to (read have) quit my addiction to internet so with all the “no cell phone in, no checking mails…..” policy and long working hours i don’t check my mails daily, let alone other things!
5.And about the valentine. … Me, wife, baby girl and the boy friend had burnt some gray cells of ours and planned a memorable romantic dinner out for the 4 of us. Being so proud of ourselves, we promised to be in that fcuking restaurant at 7.30 pm.
So i put on my tightest jeans* , a reddish orange short and fit sweater, tied my hair in ponytail, put a little dark make-up** & drove to work singing with anyone in my player.
there was a lot to do and it looked like a very busy day but with the help of tones of coffee and piles of chocolates i managed to finish everything before 10 and felt proud of myself but it seems happy moments are meant to last as short as possible.
outta nowhere came this asshole called inspector and the only thing i could think of was cleansing my face, to the men’s room & back & he was in our section.
i tried to ignore his existence and mind my own business but as gay as he was or may be he had a gay-meter he had a crush on my shoes and asked me to show him round the place, not only i looked puzzled and the rest where shocked, i told him it wasn’t my job to do so and i was pretty new to the place myself, i bet he was deaf too.
so Me & the MD showed him everywhere in the whole building and he didn’t let me go earlier than 4pm when he felt exhausted and decided it was time to go meet his shitty sweat-heart!
Should i mention when i got back to my desk i had tones of things to do and my lovely cow-orkers didn’t mind putting their own tasks on my desk and leaving early!
So i called Meg to tell her it was unpossible to have a romantic time out and i couldn’t be home sooner than 11 so she said she’s gonna stay on the night shift cos they were short of staff & I’d better pick Alexis up on the way home so she could sleep on her own bed.
And for J it took Meg a while to find him cos he’s been missing from home since Monday evening meeting so many lonely johns who were dying to pay for a temporary lover (read fucker) on the bleeding heart’s day.
So i had this wonderful Valentine’s working till 10 pm, and spending the night with my lovely asleep daughter who can pronounce almost every one-syllable word with the help of J!
My wife spent her night with some sick people in the hospital and the boyfriend escorted as much as he could.
I didn’t meet any of them earlier than Thursday night; Meg complaining about what a bad and naughty girl Alexis had been since she woke up and J was so sore and exhausted he was sure he wouldn’t meet any john for 2 weeks ( So did I if i earned 9.5K bucks in less than 2.5 days!)
conclusion: Fuck Saint Valentine or any other motherfucker who put this day on the calender! & I’m sure next year I’m gonna take a day off and count the people crossing the road!
hope you had a better time than moi!

It took me long before i could make my mind and find enough courage to reveal what were bugging me to death.
so I asked Meg to make her decision and not to force herself doing things she didn’t want by heart just for the sake of me or the baby!
I gave her these options to choose:

1. go back to where we used to live and do as she used to do with Alexis
2.file for divorce
3. meet random guys
4.date whoever she thinks hot
5.bring a girlfriend home
6.start a new life with her Mr. right and leave Alexis with me if he doesn’t want her
7. fuck my boyfriend if she feels like it
actually I texted my suggestions exactly like that(the same humor the same crap!)and i got what i deserved when she texted me back (this is the rephrased version!)
1. i like big cities as much as you do so I’m staying here
2. it’s a waste of time, money and energy
3. I’m not a slut!
4. it’s too dull to date new guys
5. bitch, I’m straight as a ruler
6. if a guy doesn’t want my baby then he cant be Mr. right
7. no way,I’m not interested in 3-some
8.stop thinking too much, i still remember my vows then you’d better remember the shopping list!
so obviously I’m fucking gay and even being a committed husband cant stop this love at first fright.
I’ve warned her and told her by the end of the journey I’ve started , there’d be the possibility of meeting a different guy but she still wanna stay. so may be we’re not perfect lovers but she’s my perfect soul mate and my soul is still crazy in love with her though my body doesn’t want her anymore.
now I’m sure I’m not forcing her to stay and she’s doing it by her own will.
so let’s fasten the seat belts and light this rocket.
baby i love you in the gayest way!

The other day me, Meg and J were discussing random things when Meg mentioned the article she read in the Time magazine (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1584786,00.html) and then 3 of us, being the experts of our own kind, started giving ideas.
And i hate J for making fun of my fears about the baby girl, he can’t understand cos he doesn’t have his own kid and no matter how much he loves Alexis and the other way round and how close we are and doubtlessly how much I love him myself, Alexis is my girl and not his so at most he tries hard every day to teach Alexis new words and as a result she’s hell confused and gave up the idea of talking utterly but still says “no” when necessary.
back to my fear, one of my nightmares is some shithole rape my beloved girl one day and then she cant deal with the feelings and the rest, surely I won’t let that dick-head live one more day as soon as i know his name and i don’t let the jury decide instead of me cos lawyers can influence them easily.(aggressive, huh?!)
Yeah it’s a nightmare and as J mentions almost always, Alexis is jus 1.5 years old and i have a lot more to worry about than the rape and assault but well i can’t help myself so you can blame it on my sick bipolar mind!
But what do you call rape?
Rape (verb): to force somebody to have sex with you when they do not want to by threatening them or using violence

So does it mean you need a gang of masked guys with handcuffs and guns and a shouting crying kidnapped girl to call it rape?
If a woman consents to having sex with a man but then during intercourse says no, and the man continues, is it rape?

And according to that article it depends on where you live. The law in Maryland & North Carolina regards rape as “when a woman says yes, she can’t take it back once sex has begun–or, at least, she can’t call the act rape.”
Mel Feit, executive director of the National Center for Men, a male-advocacy group based in Old Bethpage, N.Y., says “At a certain point during arousal, we don’t have complete control over our ability to stop,” he says. “To equate that with brutal, violent rape weakens the whole concept of rape.” His group has created a “consensual sex contract” to be signed before intercourse.

i don’t deny that there are times the other head decides what to do next but surely i can stop the whole thing using the head with the brain in it. i guess we’re not animals yet, are we?

and it’s ridiculous to sign a contract before sex, just think of the whole procedure that i have to copy the contract umpteenth times and put ’em by the side of the bed, then every time turn the lights on look for a pen and make my wife sign it. And may be we should put a time limit there, she can protest in the first 2 minutes then I can’t stop anything so she better bears with that.
So I must be a real animal then!

I have this understandable rule of thumb, when she (he) says no, it’s a “NO” I shouldn’t try or I have to stop right there and I don’t think it’s to hard to stick with so I expect others to treat me the same way.

To my surprise (not really) Jeff mentioned something that sounded true. Even people in his trade can be raped.
Surely they fuck for the money but if a john do something against they will or as they say “get really fucked” that can be rape! So even prostitutes can be raped, better remember this before contacting the next escort 😉

And it’s a big pleasure to live here, I love Alaska and I love this city or as they say I love the big wild life!
*. The big wild life is the new logo for Anchorage so you better stop laughing at me, d’ah!

I’ve been on suicide watch several times but I’ve never been watched so closely and had the obligation to explain why i did every single thing.
it’s like asking you to explain why you went to the bathroom or why you picked your nose or why you were ogling at the hot girl on the other side of the room!
so all today, the boy and the girl been watching me and complaining about why i didn’t wanna stop acting like assholes, now i wonder “do i want it intentionally”?
till now i was sure Meg was the most annoying creature that insists on going out when i feel so down, my wrong! J is 200 times worse than her.
so i had to be this good boy who listens to whatever others say all day, I’m poisoned now!
and tomorrow i have to start my new job;to be honest I’m hell nervous, i hate meeting new people and working in new places but i can’t stay in the same place with the same people for long.
ironically my life is a real irony.
so me and MY new family went out to a random restaurant & i love J for being the one who pays, that’s awesome and i bet you’re hell jealous, ain’t yo?!
but the headache is still killing me and i can swear to all the assholes on the earth I’m still sober.
congrats to me; the 10th day is almost finished!
to be honest I’m not feeling any better, i feel sick and i can’t sleep or may be i don’t wanna sleep and the most horrible thing is i can’t surf the net tonight cos i have nowhere to go. i either have to wake the girls up in the middle of the night or drive the boy crazy cos he can’t sleep with the lights on. so I’d better sit quietly on the bed and do nothing!
it’s so ridiculous that i cant think of anything and i cant remember words to make a sentence!
may be it’s because I’ve been playing “bookworm adventures” and it’s a crap game like its name but i spent more than 2 hours finishing the first book, now I’m on the 2nd book but words are eating my brain and i can’t think of words with more than 3 letters and unfortunately many of the monsters are immune to 3 letter words so WTF!
******
and not only i hate MSN messenger and it’s a long time since the last time i logged in (more than a year) the fcuking pretty new YM shit my laptop umpteenth time that after restarting 4 times i was so eager to open the window and throw it out. thanks to my awake conscience, i remembered i cant afford a new one so simply uninstalled the fcuking program.
shiitttt, my watchers have sensed my absence and now they’re calling me.i could stare for 2-3 more hours and add a few lines but alas i have to go!
hhmm is it a bad idea to ask J to sleep on the same bed with Meg so i can surf the net all night?!? wink wink

I hate cloudy days and more than that i hate my passive episodes.
i wanna stay in bed and do nothing beside sleeping and crying and praying for my own death.
And how pitiable and helpless i look.
And it fucking ridiculous to share everything you had with some one else unwillingly
And apparently I’m sharing my family with my boyfriend or vice versa.
so my wife my daughter and my boyfriend are out going to the movies and restaurants and me sitting on the bed staring at the traffic light on the other side of the street and counting the cars passing the light and waiting for them.
i need a dead body, it can be me it can be some one else.
and how meaningless is the word “my”?
do i have anything of my own?
yes i still have my body but i lost my soul again in a crowded street the other day!

i spent the last 3 days in haze, it seemed an eternity to me. we left home to spend two romantic days in a hotel and we ended 2 fucking days in hospital, me walking nervously through the hallways as if i could find help round a hidden corner.
in the last 96 hours i’ve slept only 4 fucking hours full of nightmares and written more than 20 pages about how i feel then tore them and threw them to the garbage.
now i think sharing sad moments is the extreme of selfishness. every one has his/her own problems probably umpteen times worse than mine.
today i found another side of me, the one that appears once in every million seconds, i was the man i should be.
once in my life i was the man in Meg’s dream. i was there for her, not dropping a tear, not shouting “why me again” and i was hell calm that my friend thought i was gone insane. i can’t believe it was me.

i think my mind hasn’t analyzed the data yet or i wouldn’t look like this super strong guys dealing the sad moments without dropping a tear or getting drunk or toking something to feel better. well i took a few more anti-depressant pills but i don’t think that’s the reason.
So probably once again God listened to my stupid thoughts, ” end my life or end her life cos she deserves a good dad” ok God, you know i really didn’t mean it, we don’t have the right to choose our parents, do we?
so no matter how disgusting i am, she was my daughter, she was mine , wasn’t she?i really loved her.
you gave her the right to choose, the kinda right you rarely give your dirty creature known as human. she loved her mom so she thought 9 fucking months is too much of a pain, let’s cut it shorter to 6.5 months, she was too small, too innocent and she looked so much like her name.
so Angela born 2.5 months earlier cos her mom couldn’t take the pain anymore, and it wasn’t safe for both of them. Angela had to survive till the morning so she could continue her life in the hospital for several months before we could take her home, she fought for the sake of her mom and her sister but then she saw her disgusting dad, “that’s my dad? ” she asked the angel by her bed “yes, he is”
so Angela thought for a few hours, she had to choose between the heaven she came from and the hell she was entering, so she made her decision. “mom, no matter how much i love you, i can’t tolerate so much dirt, i wanna remain pure, i wanna go back to my creator.”
so she went and i stood there thinking about the heart that didn’t beat any longer, the heart that brought so much joy to my dull life. i held her and kissed her for the first and last time and then let her join the eternity she deserved.
i let my friend take care of the rest cos i’m not that strong, i can have her ash soon.
“so is that all you wanted?” i asked myself since the time i touched her body.
i know i’m a real piece of shit but my tolerance is below normal.
i’m jus 26 yrs old and till now i’ve lost my grandpas , my grandma, my parents and my daughter, ok what’s next on the list? couldn’t we make a deal? take my life and gimme the list, is it too much? am i asking more than i can?

the lovely docs have found another knife to tear my soul apart, so early this morning they’re gonna have a little operation on my wife’s breast to get rid of some devilish tumors that find a comfy place to live. sounds like a fucking cancer, doesn’t it?
i’m hell calm, i’m sitting silently pressing the very random buttons on a friend’s putter while Alexis  and he are sleeping peacefully in another room and my lovely wife is still in hospital. i wanted to stay there but they thought i need some sleep, those fucking idiots, how can i sleep?
so i wrote and doodled as much as i could till i found the courage to use this putter without permission, i hope he doesn’t mind.
all i want is my own death and i’m sure many people gonna attend my funeral to make sure that disgusting guy won’t harm them any more.
and what a romantic time we had. we came here 4 and we’re gonna go back home 3. this time i really don’t wanna go back home, i don’t want those heartfelt sympathies.
and i didn’t blogged cos i wasn’t sure how much i wanted to share and i didn’t want others to know what we’re up to. surely they could help, a warm call, some lovely words to keep the faith yada yada yada……

shit, i lied to mom-in-law cos Meg didn’t want her mom here, she said she has me, what a precious thing to have uurrggghhh.
i know she doesn’t read my blog but i know some very close friends read this crap to make sure i’m still sane.
for the sake of heavens, tell her the truth but we don’t want her here though she’s Meg’s mom. and don’t call me, my cell phone’s off.
I’ve said enough, i think i better try to sleep a little, we’re gonna have another hard day.

Plot Summary for
Getting Away with Murder (1996)

When the very moralistic college ethics instructor (Aykroyd) finds himself living next door to an accused German death camp commander (Lemmon), he takes it upon himself to rid the world of this man. And even though he manages to kill him, he does it so cleanly that no one accuses him and it isn’t until he guiltily marries the German’s daughter (Tomlin) that he discovers the truth about the man…

Professor Lambert lectures on ethics and morals at a local University and lives alone in a quiet suburban area. However when his neighbour, is accused of war crimes as a Nazi he isn’t sure what to think. When he is told that Mueller is about to leave for Ecuador, where he will be free to live out his life without extradition he cannot morally accept it and decides to take action by murdering him. However Lambert’s ethics and need for justice soon cause the whole plan to crumble in a moral mess.

I’d never heard of this film when I watched it but Dan Aykroyd is usually an OK bet – even if he’s not as funny as Bill Murray often manages. However after watching this I understand why I hadn’t heard of it. The plot is OK at the start but the moral reasoning that drives much of the latter stages doesn’t ring true and it feels like the film is just trying to muddle through to a very unsatisfactory ending that also feels like they weren’t sure how it should end so they just stopped!

As a drama it doesn’t work at all, sadly as a comedy it has no laughs at all. Not a smile, I assumed it was a bad drama until a glance at the listings told me it was meant to be a comedy! A misguided drama I can understand, but to pitch something so lame as a comedy is beyond justification.

The cast are wasted here. Names like Tomlin, Lemmon, Aykroyd and Adler really need better material than this to show what they can do. Here they do the best they can but they can turn a sow’s ear into a purse.

Overall this is a failed comedy and a drama that is failing with every plot step. The end result is a film that is neither funny or dramatic – it is merely mediocre and very dull

i’m a real coward, i’m a looser, think as you like but i was really frightened. i was frightened to death
it’s not a good feeling to have nightmares every night and can’t get enough sleep. but it’s tolerable as long as it’s a nightmare.
but when it creeps into your real life, won’t you feel frightened? ain’t it natural to be terrified?
I’m sorry God, i’m hell sorry, i was too stupid to say i don’t care when people die, death is fair and someone should die to let another baby step on this planet, don’t stop wars, this planet is too small for all of us.
hit my head with a comet, a big one but don’t listen to stupid me, don’t put me in the situations like tonight, i can’t take it, i’m weak, i’m a little boy in a big man’s dress, i lied, im not indifferent, don’t assess me with death, i can’t take it, send flood, send hurricane but don’t get my loved ones, i really can’t take it, i can’t go on through the pain again…………

last night or better say early this morning i felt i fell from a big rock, i thought i lost everything, i woke up sometime round 3-4, my baby was crying and her mom was screaming as if someone was burying her alive, i could see the pain in her eyes, she was begging for help and i couldn’t do anything, i stood there and looked at her, i wanted to do something, i really wanted but it was like someone shut my brain down, i was stuck to the floor, i dunno how much it took me till i recovered from  my coma and called an ambulance.

it was so much like my nightmares, i think i looked so horrible that the ambulance guy thought he was called to help me.
i’m really stupid, i think i really looked embarrassing holding Alexis and crying like a little boy.
it may sound funny but i thought meg was dying and i couldn’t do anything to help her, i was there watching and doing nothing and she was screaming and i was drowning in an old memory.
i’m stupid, i’m a real asshole. it was jus a sudden pain, the little girl’s so naughty and loves hurting her mom.
God why am i so stupid? why i made her have another baby? this pregnancy is killing her and it’s all my fault and now there’s no way back. we have to wait, yes jus 2 months and 3 weeks.
what if something happened to her? who was to blame? that innocent baby or her stupid dad?

i really thought i was losing her, i was losing both of them. how someone can be this selfish?
now i’m pretty sure she doesn’t wanna stay in her mom’s womb for 9 fucking months,  she wanna see this world asap. her sister came 1 month earlier, why should she stay there so long? why her stupid dad didn’t listen to that doc’s advice, there’s the possibility, yes there is but let’s risk it, we’re risking everything every morning we get up!
no stupid boy, when there’s the risk you shouldn’t try! don’t gamble with other people’s money.
God i confess, i’m stupid, i’m selfish, i’m a real beast, i’m dirty but don’t hurt her,  i can’t stand burying another loved one, i promise to stand in the middle of a crowded road and let a truck knock me over, let me feel the pain, she can’t take it, i can’t see her going through so much pain for my sake.
God please listen to me this time, i know i am wrong and yes i was terrified.

quote of the day:”People are like tea bags… you never know how strong they are until you drop them in hot water.” Nancy Reagan
it’s another cold winter night, the temperature’s about -28F, the sky is clear, i have finished my dinner and now i don’t have much to do, so priest come closer and listen to my confession
1. i hate this cold place, i dream of tropical islands with big warm pools every night
2. i listened to my little baby’s heartbeat yesterday and i think i love her a lot but well i still have to wait 3 more months 😦
3. it’s a year since the time i converted to Islam, i was sure i’d change my name to something better by this time, now with all these crazy policies, i’m sure i love my name
4. tomorrow i have an appointment with a new doc that means i’ve made my mind to take my medicine regularly, though i’m sure it wont help me much to avoid so many blue feelings, at least i wont sound too suicidal.
5. i watched cypher tonight but couldn’t see any reason for the foolish ending, may be i better watch James Bond next time
6. i love ice-cream so living in Alaska and being sick can’t prevent me from buying and eating it
7. i think i have to attend in an English grammar class, beside the fact that i have Alzheimer’s and forget words.
8. i wanna tag myself and tell something you surely don’t know, i still sleep with my fluffy toy that is not a teddy bear but a dog.
9. i hate brushing my teeth at nights and shaving in the mornings
10. in someone’s blog (don’t remember where) i saw a funny tag, it said:” grab the nearest book, open to page 123, find the fifth line and write 3 lines from there, so here’s mine:”at the molding stage, the mold cavity can be enlarged by excessive rapping in pattern withdrawal, whilst local discrepancies can result from manual patching. Low green strength and soft ramming can produce sagging….”
from” introduction to foundry technology” by Ekey, D.C.; Winter,W.P.

*. i wanted to show you my pic but hhmmm seem this foolish wp wanna fuck with me again
**. my lovely wife was hell tired of her manic depressive husband so i decided to stop acting like a real jerkass, admit to my problem that is a life time disease and do something for my own sake, so if tomorrow you saw a very erotic post, blame it on the pills. (fyi: on random occasions i write crazy erotic stories and some people found them interesting but i promise not to post it here
***. this is supposed to be my confession post so i can’t think of anything relevant to the title 😉

he closed his eyes and tried to think of nothing and listen to the silence that didn’t exist, feel the cold that surrounded him.
he was trapped in his invisible cage, his hands and feet were tied to the metal bar of his bed. he could hear his own heartbeat and numbered breaths, he could smell dirt and the piece of clothe in his mouth tasted like blood. the headache was killing him…

loud music, people chatting animatedly, bottles and glasses everywhere, though it wasn’t too late, a few were lying drunk on any piece of furniture they could find. and he could hear the loud music, everyone dancing and enjoying her/his-self, and he didn’t belong to that crowd, for a second he thought he was invisible when a guy tapped him on his shoulder. “wanna try”.
he took a look at that guy’s hand, “yeah” and swallowed all the ingredients of his glass…..

he could hear the voices from outside but he wasn’t really sure how many people were standing out there, he gazed at the door when it banged open and 3 muscular guys with stocking masks on their faces came in…..

what will happen next?
1. those guys fucked the legs off him and he felt like a miserable rape victim the rest of his life
2. he tried to negotiate with those guys and after a few minutes they agree to give him 500$ to give them a head each
3. they were cold-blooded murderers, shot him dead and left the room
4……………….
think a bit
think
and
think
and
think
OK
here
is
the
answer

the answer is #4 (.”wake up, wake up Keith, this is another night mare”) what have you thought? now go wash your hands and put your thing back in your pants,ok? you surely clicked on the wrong page, you miserable pervert

upper-aniak-river.jpg

walking leisurely by kuskakwim, one cool night, slowly slowly you can feel the creeping winter coming, yesterday was around 28-29 & surely it’s gonna drop more. what am i expecting? surely it’s not hawaii, but feeling cold or warm is not always related to temperature, right?how many times you had this weird feeling of being cold in an extremely hot day & being warm in a cold day?

so i was walking by kuskakwim, sooner or later this river gonna freeze & it wont melt for several months.
compared it with charles, the silent river running through boston to reach ocean, the river that witnessed many lives, many deaths, the history of america & yes it’s so silent, so calm as if it’s not moving, it’s been there since i was a little kid, i walked by its side many times, on my own or with different people, there are many dark corners by its side, im sure you can still hear the song of sad coins in metal cups, calling for help. and you pass by, sometimes you look at the guy with the cup, black or white, it’s the same, asking for the same thing with the same accent. i doubt they remember the boy who walked by the river so many nights, sometimes you could hear the coin song from his pocket too trying to share his metal circles with those cups, sometimes holding hands of his girl, looking for a big rock to rest & start his guitar party. now he’s gone & only charles remembers him.

and i was walking by kuskakwim, miles away from charles, moving proudly to reach another big water, it has its own story, witnessed another history, there’s no long sad song of coins by its side, its lively happy whispers & shouts, whenever it escape from its icy cage, it gives life, it gives happiness, not at all mean like charles, in warm summer days it feeds many families, it washes away the pain of long cold winters, so it cant be silent, when it’s moving it wants the world to hear him.

then i was walking by kuskakwim, her little warm hand holding my little finger, she put all her fears in her little hand & gave it to me, singing happily with the river, laughing as if there’s nothing in this planet that can harm her cos she’s holding my hand. sometimes she turned her head to look for her mom, i followed her looks & there she was, sitting calmly on a rock with a big smile ensuring her little angel that she’s waiting there till she comes back.

so it’s time to end my torture. i’ve been thinking about that night for a long time, i’ve thought enough, so much that i cant hear the sirens anymore, there’s no smell of burning fuel & blood in the air, it’s so vague now, it’s an old memory, nothing that i wanna keep in my heart, so this year i wrote my last letter, i’ve been through so many sad & happy days that it seemed it was more than a year but it wasnt, & i’ve grown-up, i dumped the boy when i left boston, so why not forget the rest.

so i was standing by kuskakwim, the river i started my new life by its side & i let it carry away my last mail cos this time i didnt wanna burn it, i watched it go, a few tears and i erased the memory, i wont let it bother me again. so “goodbye mom, goodbye dad” , i know they are watching me, they’re always with me but only the good memories, thanks for loving me thanks for sharing your life, thanks for dedicating yourselves, i’ve learned my lessons & i promise to try my best to be as responsible as dad and as caring as mom, i love you for ever.

and in the distance i could hear meg calling my name, so did alexis in her weird language that it so much sounded like “dad” to my ears, i looked at the river again & there was no sign of my letter.

and i was running by the side of kuskakwim to join my family, there was an hour drive on the trails to get back home & it was getting dark.