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Category Archives: my view, my love

oh my dearest you have no fucking idea how much i missed you all those endless long endless day-like nights, staring at empty pages, or even the blue thing on top of other people’s writing cans all saying to me, sorta even deceiving me to write!

officially i haven’t blogged since 12th of last month, technically i haven’t written any crap for a whole month and by now i’m dammed sure my psychiatrist is so proud of me.

i can’t say it was a good time but it was fine. and i really have no idea to whom i’m talking too. Alllooooo any muthafucka out there?

if you wanna become an expert, you need helluva practice. and i can’t even write a logical thing (let’s pretend i could write some time ago)

so as for the start or kinda end to something review the last 6-8 weeks!

1. broke up with my ex (fucking bastard, it was obvious he wasn’t my kind)

2. changed my psychiatrist and as a result went through all the shit with new meds and dosage!

3. the baby girl turned to be Ms. talkative with lots of crazy questions, just giving me headaches and making me wish i was deaf!

4. i gave up the idea of spending so many nights surfing the net and instead i started to read some books!

5. some fucking bastard stole my laptop and a few other things, just forcing me to choose between a brand new laptop in the next 3 years or a digi-cam for the coming 3-4 months.

6. last not least apparently and to some extent obviously i found my mr. right and Gawd he’s so sexy and lovable. i’m not gonna give any details cos you may kidnap him. all i can say is that he’s so much better than all the guys i’ve dated to date!

what else?

aha, as long as i’m back and i’ve made my mind to keep on blogging and writing crap for a while i thought this blog needed a new look and beside the new theme (that i have it on my other blog and love it so much!) i needed a header so  without further ado, i bring to you the extinct species living in north pole aka me (i know you were dying to see my face!)

i know i look really ugly and remind you of your great great great grand father but i can promise you to have a plastic surgery asap (i’m saving for it, may be you can help me a bit!)

ok, that was enough for today. i’m gonna change the header soon, i’m just looking for something better!


I’m getting ready to get up and get dressed and get my lazy ass in right gears to move and leave home for a while to get something to eat. got what i said?

Spending my third day of staying home and doing nothing and just staring at random things and waiting for random things to crash on my head or other random unexpected unfortunate events, nothing special has happened till now. So i made my mind to get outta home and do something productive like running after kids, sitting on ice and catching no fish or shooting some moving things and then call ’em moving moose.

honestly it seems i was happier when working more than 12 hours a day, at least i was doing something and by the end of the month i could smile at the sight of those additional figures in my account.

right now: Meg & Alexis are out at some friends’ place, in-laws are enjoying themselves  doing i dunno what and my fucking boy friend is hanging with some (read one) cute girl(S) he met the other day.

and i know you’re green with envy! yes it feels great not to work that i feel i’m going crazy if i stay one more hour at home and i have decided to go back to my old job till the end of my vacation, then finish my fucking contract with that fucking company and get back home (that’s gonna take a whole month so fuck ’em all!)

and I know now you’re saying why i’m complaining 7/24 when zillion of gay guys are dreaming of my life and i wonder how they can be gay when they’re fantasizing about boobs and pussies!

i feel so gay today cos when i woke up, it was 10 to 8 and no one was at home and nothing was left for me to eat and i had 2 notes stuck to the fridge; one from my wife saying i could have crackers and milk for breakfast and she won’t be home earlier than 5 pm and i have to pick her up and i can join them for lunch if i were in the mood of getting outta house, taking a bath and shaving.

the other note from J was a lot better; it started with a “fcuk your lazy ass for sleeping too much” in bold and italic and big red font and i hate red pens! then telling me  he’s gonna spend his day with the girl he met the other day in a party he went with Meg & Alexis last Sunday.

things worrying me:

1. is it wrong to sleep 2-3 hours a day?

2. why no one tried to wake me up and take me with themselves?

3. why my gay boyfriend look so straight to me?

4. should i buy Meg a…… for our first anniversary or buy Alexis a tricycle or buy myself a skateboard or buy J a pair of rings for his wedding?

there must be something very wrong with me, i know it’s too hard to deal with depressed me and it’s hell boring to be down so often but at least they could offer taking me out than letting me stay home and drown in my own shit.

And i’m gonna laugh till death if J fucks that girl and tells me he’s not feeling gay anymore!

Wanna have a boy friend with a wife and a naughty kid? i’m 5′ 10”, 137 lbs and i’m just a pink elephant lost and looking for a caring guy, i’m not too ugly (yeah i look better than your gay grandpa! ) and i earn ….k$ per month, so can we meet tonight cos i feel so gay and i need an @$$ to f***.

i knew you were jealous of me, admit it!

It’s hard to live in this homophobic society, and it’s gonna be much harder when you’re a gay dad in a straight marriage.

Being grown up in a quite religious family when the masturbation was a big sin, loving someone the same sex would end in eternal hell where no one and nothing could save you.

I’m not anti-religion and I think to some extent humans must believe in something or otherwise they’re dead bodies walking, eating and doing other things without any meaning and a meaningless life, no matter how colorful, is not worth living.

It took me a while to understand my own feelings and a lot longer to decide what my sexuality was. At first I tried to change the attitude towards homosexuality in my family, honestly I didn’t get to any point and not only they didn’t accepted my sexuality, they treated me in a way I forgot about having any relatives and all.

Some of my friends did the same, while some others tried to convince me that homosexuality never existed and it was just an illusion made by my sick brain.

I gave up trying to change others and instead I started living my life as straight as possible, sometimes hanging with bi-guys for a change.

Though you might change your face with a better one using plastic surgery, it’s almost impossible to change your sexuality unless you do something to your genitals.

One of the most important things in my life is my daughter; I try hard to be a good dad no matter what happens. When I met the man of my dreams, I wasn’t really sure how far we could go.

Though quite hurt, my loving wife let me go as far as I wanted and it was too far, I almost got lost. Little by little I learned to handle my gay feelings in a way that neither hurt my boy friend nor my wife because I needed both of them.

As the feelings between me and my boy friend became deeper, I realized our relation was threatening my married life to some extent, “did I really want to get farther?” I wondered.

When the passion was over, it was me, my boyfriend and a family to support.” should I choose between them or like before I had to make a choice?” this was the question always bugging me.

When my in-laws decided to pay us a visit, I was sure I didn’t want my boyfriend around because I needed some time for explaining and making my own excuses. I was afraid of their reaction because feeling retarded wasn’t anything on my menu this time.

Unfortunately things didn’t go on the way I wanted and my in-laws met my boyfriend before I could defend my feelings.

To my surprise they treated me as usual, even better than before. As far as I could love my family unintentionally, there was no problem loving another one the same sex.

I’m thankful to my wife and her family for accepting me the way I am, not the way I pretended.  Surely it may sound more bisexual than homosexual when you try to love both sex but when the love is different, you’re only interested in your own wife and no other woman, but your boy friend can be replaced with some better guys, you certainly are a fag and you have to deal with it.

And I’ve been wondering about so many homophobic people surrounding the gay society.

“Why is it so hard to accept someone else the way they are, not the way you want?”

“What’s wrong with loving someone the same sex?”

“Are they afraid of a big homosexual society with no kids in it?”

“Ain’t this world too populated that a GLBT society won’t be a threat?”

“Why is it so disgusting to have gay couples among your friends?”

“Which one is a bigger sin: throwing your own child outta family for his/ her sexuality or incest sex?”

I hate those jackass people pretending they agree with all those homosexual thoughts but when they find out their teenage boy is seriously in love with another boy, they make him leave his house or change his mind.

Ain’t it too stupid for the same citizen not having the same rights when he/she marries with someone the same sex?

I know it was a lot harder for my in-laws to accept my sexuality but they did; and now I have to fight for my own rights against my aunts and uncles.

A married couple has definite right, what’s the difference between a straight marriage and same-sex marriage?!

I don’t know whether it is religions that make people allergic to homosexuals or they’re perverts who can’t handle their own shit.

I know there is something very wrong in the American society and it’s something that can be fixed. 

Why no one at school tells homosexual teenagers how to handle their feelings and have safe sex with the ones they love? Wouldn’t it be much easier to control AIDS without anti-homosexual education at schools?

I rest my case; weekend’s coming and I have to think of a way to get rid of my boyfriend or I have to do as he says cos I lost the bet.



Iditarod sled dog race leader Jeff King stands backwards on his sled as he crosses the 90 mile Kaltag portage before arriving in the coastal village of Unalakleet, Mar. 11, 2007.

the last time i checked the news , i got this

rank musher (bib)

A big FUCK!

and me & J started a new week together cos I  found him a job in the place i work, so at lunch times we can escape to the men’s room for some passionate kisses and a few fucks hihihi

apart from the so many good news i received, I found my lil sis’ mail telling me she’s gonna get married soon. it’s been a while we didn’t have much time for each other but i think she’s gonna have no time from now on and i’m really happy for her.

as i manage to slow down my stressful life, there are many things waiting for moderation.

sooner or later we’re going back to our little city with less work and more time for ourselves and friends and here comes the question: Would i ask J to come with us?

i still need some time to ponder and i’m gonna write my decision when it’s final cos i don’t have the energy for arguments and reasoning.

hhmm about the title, it was in my blogstats and i could swear it’s been written by my dad-in-law but well that’s too late for him to search a way to get rid of me 🙂

and do i let a boy with bipolar disorder to be my daughter’s boy friend? nope. it’s not because people with bipolar disorder are terrible, you shouldn’t give the chance to making a baby with that sickness cos the shit is too much to deal with and that’s really selfish of a parent!

time for a joke, this place’s been so creepy the last few days

“A Normal Person”

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor.. “A normal
person would use the bucket because it’s bigger
than the spoon or the teacup?”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window
or close to the door?” (reality sucks, right?)

Sitting all alone on my bed, huddling under the blanket, hearing noises from the living-room and sobbing as quiet as possible; I try to think of reasons.

I’m judge and jury and executioner too and I’m  that usual con. “Guilty,  tie him to that fukcing ‘lectric chair”

“Lump it or like it, I can’t be someone else, at most I can be myself.”

1.How can she smile to such a disgusting man? How can she run happily to such a bastard and call him “dad”?

2.How can she love all those endless arguments? How can she tolerate so many mistakes and lie to herself “He’s gonna change. He’s gonna apologize.”

3. Why he never protested? How could be on my side the many times he knew I was the trouble myself? Why he tries to protect me against my own relatives? Why he wants to be dad instead of dad-in-law?

4. She never hated me but she finds it difficult to love me. She tries to understand me though i could never understand myself. It was so weird to see her kissing me and telling me everything  is gonna be fine!

5. No matter how much i try to avoid him, he wanna be included. I told him we can be partners if he promises not to come to my house and now I dunno what the fuck he is doing here!


Unfortunately i know the answers to my questions: I’m not as bad as I think or as disgusting as the image i try to illustrate.

Alexis loves me cos I’m her dad, may be I’m not the best dad she could have but I love her so much that it neutralize my terrible habits to some extent. She’s too small to pretend she loves me, she’s so innocent to know how to lie. So when she bang on the door non-stop  calling me and pronouncing some crazy weird words that only her mom understands, she has reasons to love her dad!

I love Meg and she loves me, that must be the reason i wear that ring on my left hand. The other reasons are surely private!

Dad-in-law never tried to be my dad cos he knows that my dad was/is/ will be my idol and I won’t replace him with anyone but at least he can love me like his own silly son. So I thank him for being on my side many times.

Mom-in-law and me, me & mom-in-law. Urgh I dunno why both of us try to insist we’re in-laws and we have no other reason to talk to each other. BUT today she was different, she didn’t avoid me, she didn’t want to call me the source of misery. All she said was that everything is gonna be fine.

And the boy friend, i really have NFI what the hell he’s doing in my house right now, specially chatting with my in-laws. I must be a shameless man to let him stay. Well, apparently nobody has any problem with him so why should I!? May be he’s the next candidate for marrying Meg.

And I must get that fucking grip on me-self. I’ve been too much responsible!

I have 3 more weeks to work, I have 2 weeks off and I have to get ready for my first wedding anniversary (yes I remember it! 😉 )  so I have no reason to feel blue.

Conclusion: It’d be better to stop liking a real asshole (that’s gospel truth!). Stop writing so much crap, take a shower, shave and join my family. A dinner out won’t be a bad idea, let’s see who wanna pay the bill!!!

And congrats to all Delta inhabitants, King is in the second place of top mushers! (yeah, Fuck Buser for being and staying the first!)*

*. While others write about NHL,NBA, NASCAR,…. Why shouldn’t I write about Iditarod 2007?!!!

**. I have used capital letters at last!

***. URRGGGHHHH, this boy smells, go take a bath hell boy, Spank, Kick!

****. It’s cloudy and rainy outside and surely every where’s still covered with ice and mush. I wonder how it is like in other parts of the world! Any sign of spring?!

An Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race musher drives his team across the frozen wind-swept tundra on the trail between the Ophir checkpoint and the Iditarod, Alaska, checkpoint, Mar. 8, 2007.

caution: this is a long post and probably i won’t post tomorrow so read this as much as you like and leave the rest for the next day  :-)if i wanna summarize my life this week it would be something like this:

1. spent an hour after work with my boy friend as described in some previous post

2. the next day Meg called me at work telling me i’d better go home a.s.a.p. cos something had happened to Alexis but she didn’t tell me what it was no matter how much i insisted.
my fucking boss didn’t want to let me go cos i still had an incomplete report on my desk. cut the long story short. i had to drive 1.5 hours to get home and nobody answered the phone at home, i dunno how other people feel in these situations but i felt horrible and i thought of all the bad things i could think of. at last i called J and told him go find Meg no matter how hard it was.
he’s such a dear friend, he called me as i took route … saying that there wasn’t anything serious but it’d be better to stop by the hospital.
i was really terrified and felt extremely miserable. i know i have no right to think of horrible things but that’s the way my mind works, it thinks of the worst possible situations. i dunno whether it was me who found J or the other way round, in a flash of light Alexis was in my arms, her little foot & arm wrapped in bandage and daddy looking for somewhere to buy her “yum” (a word for gum made by her)
i really spoiled her or as one of Meg’s colleagues said, she’s so dependent on her dad.
Alexis is doing fine now , she even woke up the next day to say bye to daddy and Meg took a day off to watch our little disaster.
you know Alexis is a real cute, lively, mobile disaster,;her mom was trying to make her some eggs when this lady asked for “loolet” (she’s addicted to chocolates like her dad, fuck her bad dad then!)
you know she repeats one word continuously till you’re really up the wall and wanna shut her mouth up, she looks sweet at first but extremely annoying some times.
so she asked her mom to give her “loolet” and her mom told her she can’t have any cos she had a big bar of chocolate  in the morning.
she cried and shouted and disturbed her mom that outta nowhere the burning fried egg fell on her arm and foot. thanks heaven nothing happened to her face and the burning is not severe.
when i arrived she was crying and Meg looked like a very worried mom so much like this *~* LOL
thanks God nothing serious happened, we’re very lucky parents, ain’t we?

3. the following day: i’m not this kinda lazy irresponsible parent but as far as i am a human, +60 hours works put lotta stress that i can’t tolerate normally, let alone enjoying one of those depressive episodes that i always have trouble digging outta ’em in very happy times of my life. in addition,there’s Miss naughty Alexis and the mess she makes and the fact that i do love my daughter more than my wife and other people in this fucking world!(should i mention i have to worry about my wife too?!)

i added a few more items to worry about cos apparently the stress and tension wasn’t enough for me.

a) the aforementioned friend of mine who has AIDS and i have to call him every so often to make sure he’s doing fine.

b) a teenage co-worker that lives with her old granny two houses away from mine. she’s a good girl, just 18 years old but really sick of her life and i have to show her that she has a lot to do with her life, or there’s no reason to hate her parents though they are such assholes dumping their own child to look for their own pleasure (her life’s a good soap that can bring tears to your eyes easily) & the ridiculous thing is i’m not the appropriate person to advise her cos i’m too suicidal myself 😉

c) J, he’s worrying me to death and as long as i blame myself on his current situation i have to help him. i told him we can be partners and friends if he quit escorting and drinking ( i let him smoke cos i sometimes do it myself so i cant ask him quit something i still do). he accepted my terms beside some other personal requests and then he had lotta  free time doing nothing so i should help him find a job no matter what it was just to keep him busy then he could find a good job later and i did help him find a job in the company i work for.

d) my relatives including my granny and brothers & in-laws. it’s so silly i miss my in-laws badly.

surely i’m not a good shoulder to lean on, and actually this much stress was more than i could tolerate.

So today i made lotta terrible mistakes like: doing wrong tests on wrong samples, confusing ASTM, DIN & EN standards. calling a cold worked sheet with 1.25% lead CK06 then typed 13% carbon in its element analysis and a lot more.

till lunch time i have fought and argued with any living creature in the section i work and i called my boss very bad names (yes i’m not really polite but i never call somebody that way!) and i had piles of reports to be handed before 2 pm, i felt dizzy, confused and the headache was killing me and not to mention other problems i had with my body for several days. it was my worst working day and i was turning it too unbearable for others.

i handed most of the reports and then went for the lunch cos i felt so sick and couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore. i even spent a good fucking 10 minutes in the men’s room puking and i didn’t feel any better.

when i got back to my desk, my boss was waiting for me so i readied myself for a good verbal fight. to my surprise he panted on my shoulder and told me it’d be better to go home and let others finish everything[ this guy didn’t let me go home a bit early last night when i was hell worried for Alexis]

the fact was that J had talked to my boss and gave him 1000 reasons why i felt and acted so bad, even apologizing him on behalf of me.

getting bored? ok read the rest tomorrow, i’m gonna continue cos i have to organize my brain.

me & J went to my fukcing doc, the lovely guy i was supposed to meet last week but i was too busy to waste sometime on myself. at least i’ve taken the blood, lithium… tests last week but i didn’t get the answers, but J did.

What i have done to my body: the feeling of decaying from inside was sorta true cos actually i was taking too much lithium* (a little more than15-20mg per kg of body weight) cos of losing 2 lbs! this wasn’t a serious case of intoxication and i’m doing a bit better.  worse than that some wise guy called me took lotta sleeping pills and pain killers in the past few months for different reasons that i got a positive for being a junkie.

yeah i know i have gone way too far from my limits for no good reason. surely keeping our house is not worth any of these.

so: i’m gonna take tomorrow off to spend a while with my doc thinking of a way to return things to what is called “normal” and i’m gonna have a hard time again!  then i’m going back to work next week no matter what happens and after that i have 2 fucking weeks off to fuck myself and any random guy (not really) then back to my shitty life again.

at the moment i’m enjoying one of those super awake times, so i think i’d better do something or read my “paradise lost” or may be wake J up after midnight and then call my bros and it’s gonna be a long night and i feel so sick, all i want is puke my brain and stomach!

aha, at last i managed to put a musher’s pic here,this is Ramey Smyth’s team arriving at the McGrath checkpoint on the Kuskokwim River on Wednesday morning.


and how much i miss Kuskokwim 😦 , i cant imagine i’ve been living  in this icy hell for almost a year now, time to pee! if you feel bored and can’t sleep or don’t have much to do, i’d be glad receiving some e+mail.**

*. check these on google or other places if you wanna know more about lithium:Carbolith®, Cibalith-S®, Duralith®, Eskalith®, Lithane®, Lithizine®, Lithobid®, Lithonate®, Lithotabs® and Maniprex®

**.i’m not really feeling good.

note about me: been chatting with a few guys and gals and some asked me questions that i think i have to answer:

1. i live in Anchorage, Alaska with my family not my boy friend who i love lots!

2. lithium carbonate is a mood stabilizer  prescribed for people with bipolar disorder (check other posts or simply google it if you don’t know what kinda bitch it is!)

3. as said before, i have a degree in materials science and engineering and my job is nothing secret so i copy paste part of my e-mail to a dear friend of mine telling what i do for the living:i work for a material research center.
we have different sections like polymer, SEM & STEM,XRD, analytical chemistry, chemistry, foundry, quanta-metry , mechanical metallurgy and metallography.
it’s gonna take a day long to tell you what each part do but generally speaking we analyze the elements , grains, crystalline and casting structure, testing mechanical properties…. for metals and some polymers.
i work in the mechanical section, each material specifically metals and alloys have their own standards, we work with ASTM (american standard) most of the times but sometimes we have to try it with DIN (for germany) JSI (japanese) Euro-norm, BS (british) & a few more i cant remember at the moment, aha we use API for gas pipes and some other standards for beams, rods….
in each standard the preparation of samples are explained like the length of gages and airs  in  tensile samples.
we do many tests like impact (charpy & izod), tensile, bending, proof load, nick break, cupping …. to determine several characteristics of materials like U.T.S (ultimate tensile stress) or Y.S.  and see if our samples meet the properties in the standards.
for steels we use a special book called “key to steels” and there’s something quite like that for wrought aluminum, cast irons have their own standards.
there are a lot more we do but i think it’s gonna bore you, i just wanted to give you a brief view of what i exactly do.
that’s for my job and generally about material engineering, surely it’s a lot more than that.
actually in material engineering, experience talks  first then it’s the knowledge and books, so the more experienced you are, the more money you earn. it’s sorta empirical science but i like to learn more in designing molds and simulations. i think that’s what i wanna study later for my master’s.

*.originally copy-pasted from my thunder bird inbox(without editing) that means it wasn’t written for blogspace but my friends.

surely some of you already read this, i apologize but i’m too busy to add anything besides i hardly see Alexis awake so i dunno what new words she added to her dictionary. this life sucks but i have to tolerate a few more weeks and the contract is over & surely we go back to our little city with more time to spare with Alexis.
_________________________________________________ Alexis and tablecloths
once upon a time there lived a very naughty baby girl aka Alexis.
she had a fetish about tablecloths, dreaming of them most nights, she even tried to say its name but well it’s a hard word for a beginner like her.
one day Alexis with mom+ dad went to a super expensive and luxurious restaurant with candles on the tables and romantic music playing. Alexis got ecstatic and began running and screaming making everyone look at them and her parents felt really embarrassed so her dad began chasing this little girl to stop her, she ran and ran and ran till she lost her balance and “ooohhh, no, she was falling” **
to avoid hitting the floor she got hold of her old fetish, and not to mention the very expensive articles on the table and the burning candle and the elderly couple sitting there and enjoying their meal.
so her poor dad had to make a quick decision, he had to grab her in time so she couldn’t pull the tablecloth………………
thanks heaven nothing happened only a few drops of soup dirtied that old lady’s pricey dress and the candle fell but luckily grabbed by the old man. poor dad sighed in pleasure and tried to release the part of tablecloth still remaining in Alexis’ firm fist. as soon as he succeeded Alexis burst in tears and the unlucky dad had to mug for her making a real ass of himself.
so after apologizing umpteenth time from that elderly rich couple and making sure they weren’t offended but became very fond of the little bandit they made a bee line for the exit door without having anything and thinking of a sandwich or two for the night!***
the end
ok bye honey, write me soon

**. Alexis raises a real hell when she falls, we usually ignore her so she gets up and begins running again but the screams and little cries are intolerable for strangers (such attention seeker she is!)
***. this really happened a while ago but J was with us and actually he suggested going to that place & paying for everything, honestly we don’t have the money for such places!
2. Alexis VS. Cactus
i love my cacti a lot so i take them anywhere i move (try to imagine how horrible it was to move my cacti by plane!)
some days ago, i put my cacti on the table and went to kitchen to find a glass for watering them. this table is low enough that Alexis can take anything from that.
so came naughty curious Alex and there was this one with cute spines. it’s so natural to touch such things and then ouch, one of the spines got stuck in her little finger, me & Meg spent a while picking that spine outta her finger, then tied it with a little clothe to stop her from crying. it was just a little spine but she liked showing her finger to everyone then to answer the question “what happened to your finger?” she said proudly “tus”* and pointing at my cacti on the window edge.
so this is a new word, since then we call my cacti, “tus” and Alexis gets excited. she’s wonderful, ain’t she?
3. “Tus” continued
i think we’re gonna have serious problems with the word “tus”, like the other day we were in the mall shopping and i pointed to a big toy moose
it was like “look there Lexis, that’s a big moose and he’s gonna eat yo”
Alexis at first looked a bit frightened then confused then got excited hitting the window and saying moose, then came the word bad (that she pronounces really well)
she hit the window too much till her little hand felt the pain at last, showing me her finger she said “tus”
i was like *~* all i could do was kissing her little fingers to heal the pain (it works very well for little kids) and started pointing at something else.

you know she’s great but well sometimes she drives you crazy you wanna either hang her or shoot yourself!
4. those who have/ had their own kids around Alexis’ age know very well that these creatures are so awesome that you can write a thick book about what they do and say but nor me neither her mom have such time to write everything; and many times the incident sounds more annoying than funny.
if only this little creature had a manual life looked much better.
so wish me luck and stay sane!

a while ago i could say what was the wrongest thing i ever done in my life but now i’m not sure anymore
i know having sex with my own cousin was so wrong, i know quitting university before getting my master’s was so wrong, i know drinking alcohol was so wrong, i know doing drugs was so wrong (may be even toking that bad habit of mine that cant get rid of it really is wrong too!)
may be marrying meg was the wrongest. i knew i was gay from day one but i tried to deny it(just like having bipolar disorder). i know im a worthless exhibitionist cos im half naked standing infronna the window most of the year and more than that i enjoy stripping for strangers , i know i love baby alexis (this is a fatherly feeling). i know i had a few boy friends that turned my life into a real hell (but every one may meet & love wrong people), i know i hate gang bangs (cos i hate crowded places-more than 3-). i know though 3 & 4 somes were my fantasies once, in reality it was utter shit and pain.
i know i sometimes enjoy being a whore and yet there are many things i don’t know but there’s this fact : i cant be a wonderful gay daddy and i cant stay gay and have Meg as well.
may be this makes some people who care happy, me and J broke up or as he says ” i dumped him”. i dont wanna blame him on anything, it was all my fault, he was a nice guy but i shouldn’t let him in this much, may be we were sharing love and passion we weren’t suppose to share intimate things like family, wife, baby.
it was my own stupidity or his eagerness to have a share in everything. as far as i know Meg never let him get too close to her, an arm round the waist was ok but more than that she always got up and went to another room to do the things she prenteded that must be done instantly.
i think she wasn’t much interested in our moans and groans and it wasn’t a turn-on to watch another guy fucking the legs off her husband. yes i should have known all these but men are not that understanding until you give them clear clues or tell them what you really think.
i really hated myself when i told Meg about breaking up with J and she embraced me so tight bursting into tears and sobbing hard, i felt sorry for her.  i told myself “look bitch, what have you done to her!”
i’m so used to analyzing my own feelings to find out how real they are, may be it’s a bipolar habit of mine but i cant analyze my love to Meg, i have NFI about it, may be it’s because she wasn’t my girl-friend in the first place, may be it’s still that brotherly-sisterly promise we made long time ago that keep us together or may be it’s because of Alexis.i dunno and i don’t care to know any more.

but for me being gay now sounds like a choice and not something natural. there must be a reason it same sex affairs are forbidden in many religions and cultures.

i’m not sure what i really wanna do from now on. obviously i have that feeling and chemistry for guys that cant be ignored.

i even tried to find some hot girls for a fuck to confirm being straight or at least bi but they make me sick to death.

so i’ve decided not to force myself or Meg into choosing something hurriedly, i wanna think and i don’t wanna deny i still feel so dammed gay but let’s spend a while with my wife than dating guys and see what’s gonna happen next!

Getting up too early the other day, I drove the 30miles road to the office on a cold dark morning so I could get to work earlier and finish my tasks sooner than usual to have a dinner out with my loved ones on the bleeding heart’s day!
to inform those lovely friends wondering why they received no reply from a net addict like me, i have a few excuses to make:
1. i’ve lost my dentures,ooppps that was Sandra’s excuse!
2.we were packing and moving and those who know me a little better and longer are aware of the fact that how much i love moving (i was born GYPSY!) and this new place though doesn’t belong to us is much better and bigger than J’s place and yes it’s for free cos i work for that fucking company but i really have no idea why it is too far from my working place that i have to go outta home before 6am to be on time.
3. in the last 2 weeks I’ve experienced a new Me, dammed he’s hell responsible, quiet and rarely protests. i dunno how he got in or who let him in but i have to bear him for a while (till the end of my contract) if it was up to me I’ve quit this job the very first week cos I’m working like a donkey and they’re paying as much or sometimes less than other places with shorter working hours, yes he must be sick to stay but he says he has a family to support and he cant leave right away when he has no other place to go cos he has to pay the loans, so let him rule for a while but i swear I’m gonna get my territory back ASAP!
4.I’m trying to (read have) quit my addiction to internet so with all the “no cell phone in, no checking mails…..” policy and long working hours i don’t check my mails daily, let alone other things!
5.And about the valentine. … Me, wife, baby girl and the boy friend had burnt some gray cells of ours and planned a memorable romantic dinner out for the 4 of us. Being so proud of ourselves, we promised to be in that fcuking restaurant at 7.30 pm.
So i put on my tightest jeans* , a reddish orange short and fit sweater, tied my hair in ponytail, put a little dark make-up** & drove to work singing with anyone in my player.
there was a lot to do and it looked like a very busy day but with the help of tones of coffee and piles of chocolates i managed to finish everything before 10 and felt proud of myself but it seems happy moments are meant to last as short as possible.
outta nowhere came this asshole called inspector and the only thing i could think of was cleansing my face, to the men’s room & back & he was in our section.
i tried to ignore his existence and mind my own business but as gay as he was or may be he had a gay-meter he had a crush on my shoes and asked me to show him round the place, not only i looked puzzled and the rest where shocked, i told him it wasn’t my job to do so and i was pretty new to the place myself, i bet he was deaf too.
so Me & the MD showed him everywhere in the whole building and he didn’t let me go earlier than 4pm when he felt exhausted and decided it was time to go meet his shitty sweat-heart!
Should i mention when i got back to my desk i had tones of things to do and my lovely cow-orkers didn’t mind putting their own tasks on my desk and leaving early!
So i called Meg to tell her it was unpossible to have a romantic time out and i couldn’t be home sooner than 11 so she said she’s gonna stay on the night shift cos they were short of staff & I’d better pick Alexis up on the way home so she could sleep on her own bed.
And for J it took Meg a while to find him cos he’s been missing from home since Monday evening meeting so many lonely johns who were dying to pay for a temporary lover (read fucker) on the bleeding heart’s day.
So i had this wonderful Valentine’s working till 10 pm, and spending the night with my lovely asleep daughter who can pronounce almost every one-syllable word with the help of J!
My wife spent her night with some sick people in the hospital and the boyfriend escorted as much as he could.
I didn’t meet any of them earlier than Thursday night; Meg complaining about what a bad and naughty girl Alexis had been since she woke up and J was so sore and exhausted he was sure he wouldn’t meet any john for 2 weeks ( So did I if i earned 9.5K bucks in less than 2.5 days!)
conclusion: Fuck Saint Valentine or any other motherfucker who put this day on the calender! & I’m sure next year I’m gonna take a day off and count the people crossing the road!
hope you had a better time than moi!

It took me long before i could make my mind and find enough courage to reveal what were bugging me to death.
so I asked Meg to make her decision and not to force herself doing things she didn’t want by heart just for the sake of me or the baby!
I gave her these options to choose:

1. go back to where we used to live and do as she used to do with Alexis
2.file for divorce
3. meet random guys whoever she thinks hot
5.bring a girlfriend home
6.start a new life with her Mr. right and leave Alexis with me if he doesn’t want her
7. fuck my boyfriend if she feels like it
actually I texted my suggestions exactly like that(the same humor the same crap!)and i got what i deserved when she texted me back (this is the rephrased version!)
1. i like big cities as much as you do so I’m staying here
2. it’s a waste of time, money and energy
3. I’m not a slut!
4. it’s too dull to date new guys
5. bitch, I’m straight as a ruler
6. if a guy doesn’t want my baby then he cant be Mr. right
7. no way,I’m not interested in 3-some
8.stop thinking too much, i still remember my vows then you’d better remember the shopping list!
so obviously I’m fucking gay and even being a committed husband cant stop this love at first fright.
I’ve warned her and told her by the end of the journey I’ve started , there’d be the possibility of meeting a different guy but she still wanna stay. so may be we’re not perfect lovers but she’s my perfect soul mate and my soul is still crazy in love with her though my body doesn’t want her anymore.
now I’m sure I’m not forcing her to stay and she’s doing it by her own will.
so let’s fasten the seat belts and light this rocket.
baby i love you in the gayest way!

today , 27 years ago, a little monster hatched from her round egg. she was so cute with wings stuck to her dirty body.
She could never fly but she still has her wings.
Happy Birthday my sweetheart
my world was so dark without you though it’s till dark.
a big Happy birthday just for you
hope your party will be great and though Alexis won’t let you blow the candles you can still make a wish.
and i have to thank Mom-in-law for giving birth to such a wonderful woman
Love you Meg and happy birthday again
i have thought of a good surprise for you but won’t say it here
See you after work baby, don’t cry too much or i gotta ask Alexis to change the newborn baby’s diaper!
Happy birthday again
Wish you all the best cos the more you have, the happier i become and i know i was the best gift given to you, no need to tell me 🙂 :-X
*. question: why she never says such things to me?!?
To my wife:

At times …

… When you feel…

… At the end of your rope …

… Trapped …

… And depressed …

What should you do?

Cry in despair?

Get angry?…And turn into a monster?

Get drunk?

Take drugs?


Even if you feel…

… Very sad …

… Like a fool …

… Lonely…

… Guilty …

… Afraid …

… And inferior …

Remember …

… That there is SOMEONE …

But never call me, I’m not that one!

So our 2-day run-away that turned into a long unexpected 4-day vacation reached its end and we landed home one more times in one piece reminding me how much i hate planes!
in more than 6 weeks time we can see K300 that is a real “woaaahhhhh, Go King, gooooo”
for those illiterate non-Alaskan living beings :The Kuskokwim 300 sled dog race is all about old faces, new places and, of course, the $20,000 first-place prize.The K-300 will host its annual Camp-out Race on March 5th and 6th. Mushers and campers will start the race on Saturday at 11AM. The starting point will be announced on Thursday afternoon. Mushers will have a non-competitive run 50 miles up to the predetermined camping spot and will race back to Bethel on Sunday Morning. Campers are encouraged to come along. The race will have a $5,0000 purse with no entry fee for mushers. till now 21 mushers signed and surely I’m not among them cos not only i hate dogs to death, I’m afraid of braking ice too 😉
at the moment the temperature is about 21F with scattered snow shower so if this morning you didn’t find time for a quick shower, grab your shampoo & towel then jump outta the window and experience a pretty cold snow shower (don’t worry, it’s all dark outside and beside the wolves and wild dogs no one can see you bare )
since back, i’ve discovered a few yet very important facts that i try to explain in this post and the coming one.
1. i’ve been eating pizza for lunch and breakfast for 6 days, no i’m not complaining i still can eat pizza for the next week but the problem is “can you stop pouring so much pepper on my piece!?!? it makes my body itchy like hell!”
2. Bethel is a very small place compared to all the places i’ve lived till now but gotta confess there are mystical powers here that you can find nowhere else, so i love living here (& nope you’re not welcomed anymore, go get a hotel room for yourself, d’ahhhhh!)
3. this time next week is Meg’s birthday (see Honey, i still remember that day) and i wanna say i had a few romantic surprises that all were canceled for the reasons you know. as a result i haven’t bought anything yet and i doubt anything would be bought in a week time so any one with a free spare room can invite me for the next Thursday or i have to sleep outside in open air bbbrrrrr
on the funny side, Meg’s cousins have decided to join us to celebrate her birthday that means if i wanna sound like a good hubby i really have to get something, hhmm i need a very big wrapping for the sofa, it’s a good surprise and too big that i’m sure it makes those girls extremely green with envy!
4. i have found a new disease, you might not (read can’t) find it in any book cos i haven’t finished writing my article yet, when finished i’ll wait for my noble prize to arrive by post 🙂
lemme tell you about the symptoms, it’s very similar to B.D. (bipolar disorder) with all the manic and depressive episodes, but it doesn’t involve heavy drinking, drug abuse, money spree (it’s like shopping spree but you can waste your money on anything)…
no medicine including lithium and his brothers is prescribed so you gotta handle it on your own. the disease has no certain cause except living with a bipolar patient.
and i think Meg has it. whenever i feel 10 feet under the dumps, she enjoys her manic episodes jumping up and down the house, smiling and giving me courage; the episodes last as long as my depressive ones.
then when i try to enjoy my manic sessions, she cries hysterically, look sad, hate doing house work ….
as a result she neutralizes me and we look like an extremely crazy couple.
but seriously i’m hell worried, she’s unusually in very high spirit that i can’t understand though i’m not feeling so much depressed. i dunno whether it is her way to get rid of the memory of her horrible experience or she’s gone crazy.
ok i confess i have no idea how she should feel but as a mother she’s lost her little baby and had an operation so it’s really weird to have a big smile 24 hours, hanging out with friends, and tending to go back to work next week when she can have rest till the end of the month.
tell me she’s fine or i really have to feed her a bottle full of Prozac then tie her hands to bedpost.
errr no i don’t wanna poison her, i jus can’t understand how she can pretend so well as if nothing had happened?!?!?!

to my loved one ( i know you check here dont deny!)

“Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore,
marriage is an institution for the blind.”


“A Priest And A Bus Driver”

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to
heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly
gates where St. Peter greets them.

He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a
jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50
acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.
St. Peter turns to the priest and says, “This will be
yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next
to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing
well will come true guarantied.”

The priest says, “Oh, thank you so much. This I shall

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly
gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a
stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about
500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers.
There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with
about 200 rooms. St. Peter says, “This will be yours
for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to
wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything
you want.”

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now,
don’t think I’m not grateful, but shouldn’t the priest get
all this, not me? Shouldn’t I get the cottage and 50 acres

St. Peter just laughs and says, “The reason you get all
this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell
asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!”

some time, some where
walking aimlessly again, how many times should he walk from milk st. to Common, enter his favorite studio 25, order nothing, stare at the happy drunk people and leave?
just another bus, to where? no idea.
down the stairs, 1,2,3…… deeper, darker. standing at the station waiting for the train, to where? who cares!
changing lines with the hope of getting lost, loud music, strangers, lights, darkness, stop, out.
aimless as usual, another ride round the town, seeking for keys, in.
dark & cold as usual, what a place to live, it’s passed midnight, lights on, some one’s yelling again “yo mothafcuker turn that light off”, sitting on the sofa, an open bottle, a burning cigarette, many  open I.E. pages & on again to surf the net & peep into chatrooms…..
4 hours chat, nothing gained, out again, they’re cleaning their bar, “hey, we’re closed”. wtf, jus a quick drink…. no idea when he was back home, clock ringing brutally, shiiittttt late again for morning class.
weekend the same place
a silent river going through an old city, so many wars it witnessed, now another zombie walking by its side, it’s jus another weekend, make-up, booze, smokes, dont remember when where & with whom, headaches, puke, blood, shit & another week to begin…..

another time, another place
coffee, butter, cabbage, carrot, chocolates, washing powder, milk…. all bought.
quick paces leading to a specified place, jus a push and the door’s wide open, some one’s singing somewhere, hot coffee and hot bath, smell of blue berry in the air and piles of small toys here and there….
“Ted watches them laughing at each other’s disguise
then jumps up shouting ‘pumpkin surprise’ ”
end of the story but two little shining eyes are still wide open, not at all trying to pretend she’s asleep, so what’s next?! may be a daddy-ride can help.
the clock strokes 12 times, still everyone’s awake. puter on, checking mails as usual.
lights off, neat warm comfy bed, pillows with the smell of cleanliness, no blood no puke. sometimes wet with her tears, hurt of his endless stupidity. kissing good night & sweet dreams…
no matter who makes it, the next morning breakfast’s ready by 8.
no desperate lonely moment anymore, there’s happiness where ever she step her little feet.
weekend same place
washing, ironing, playing and walking by the river, cold roaring water , giving life to the nature that’s frozen half of the year, witnessing the struggle of humans to survive……
whistle of a far train in my dreams, next station’s not hell anymore, there’s light, there’s hope, there’s life.
a vague picture of a quiet crowded bar with hopeless miserable guys, a clear image of a running lively kid in birch hill.
so far, yet so close. so horrible, yet so lovely. so vague, yet so clear. born, live, die. a repeated cycle in nature, but it’s important how we live, we’re born to love, not to hate, make peace, stop wars……………….
eeerrrrr better stop thinking, gotta take the garbage out, wash the dishes , give a free ride to alex & get outta wife’s sight. i cant believe i made her cry again, jesus, what a jerkass! thanks God for giving her such a big heart to forgive.

challenge of the weekend: bake a cake for alex for stepping on this planet for a year

note: when i was walking home, a frog hit me with a fly & a mosquito ran over me & a pigeon empty its bowles on my head & a brick fell down on my toe (thought houses here are made of wood!!!???) & the story goes on…………..
so i miss my in-laws, my boss’ hell furious at me, my neighbor doesnt wanna see me (as a lucky boy i am, my neighbor is my boss *~*), my granny’s still in hospital & i have reserved a place in sanatarium for next month, sleep tight, im out haunting something………..
ooooppppsss emergency wife shout, babe, im coming, i didnt know our garbage bin loves me that much…..

caution: this post was written last night but im posting it tonight & the only crying human here is me, snifffff, as you can see it’s “birch Hill”, we went there a few days ago jus for fun.

mood: high self-censorship
symptoms:spent an hour on a post thinking it’s funny, but it wasnt so i kept my finger on the backspace creature till the screen was clean as shit again
wish: want a whole week to eat, rest, shit & sleep
mental shutdown: wife called me million times, still she had to ask our neighbor to tell me she’s coming home earlier
recent bravest deed: changed alex’s shitty diaper for the nth (n approaches infinity) times & sweared i wont do it again, evenif she kills herself crying
latest surprise: meg arrived 12 hours earlier than i expected
latest shock: she arrived with all my nightmares together
nightmare definition: my in-laws & granny altogether, well she told me; i was jus too silly not to believe.
recent discovery: im losing my bones; in the world of underweight people, losing weight means kinda death, so in the last few days i lost another 1.5+lb (actually it was 1.99999lb) im sure now im losing extra fat stored in my bones or maybe the bones!
feeling: as shitty as anyone can, with my granny here, i jus lack words to express my love to my in-law.
holiday plan: nothing new, as it was planned the rest of bitches are arriving on friday night, making me wonder what a hell my house would be like with people aging from 10 months to +100yr ol (eerrr jus kidding ok the oldest’s 72& surely it’s not me, i jus hatched a few seconds ago :).
im going for a biking hiking trip with my bros & their attached guys, hope my granny enjoy the company of my in-laws, im sure both of ’em can please themselves by bitching about moi.
what’s next: this post is worst than anything i could think of.
needs:lotta vitamins, some super powers & a place to live in for a while, mexico probably
notes:im gonna leave my job & work in a nursery jus to have more smelly diapers everyday
quote of the day:”A narcissist is someone better-looking than you are.” – Gore Vidal , hhhmmm well that’s my reason not to take a look at myself in the mirror 🙂
fact:i hit my head against something i dont remember, but i know im not working properly
& latest activity: im readin a book, something really BS. “….Irish short stories” it’s quite a thick book so i better return it to the library cos i hate being fined!
last word: “dont shit in my pants,im old enough to do it myself.”
conclusion: if yo think im anything sad, annoyed or pissed, yo better get yer mind fixed. im really happy cos the wife (countable noun, but never dare to use it in the plural form!) is back & my family that’d be altogether soon. obviously i love my in-laws ,not yo!
& the last last thing: how could france beat Spain?!? 3-1 omfg!
i forgot another thing, in the previous post i forgot to introduce, mr arctic wolf, yeah it’s not anything ordinary, it’s arctic like me, im an ARCTIC hellboy!251124038004.jpg

dear nightmare, thanks for staying awake all night, talking & giving me headaches.
thanks for leaving me alone with yer demon.
thanks for the so many times yo nagged & ordered non-stop
& thanks for loving me, you know i love you too

recently i stepped into a new era of my marriage. things look a bit outta control, foolish & funny.
we jus keep on fighting restlessly for no rational reason, sometimes im sure we’re enjoying endless quarrels; i know im quite aggressive, but as far as i can remember meg always played the role of nice forgivigiving woman & she never complained, somehow satisified!
i dunno what happened to her during last week that she doesnt want that role anymore,seems her relatives brainwashed her.
whatever she does, she thinks it’s a matter of “none of my business” & i shouldnt say a word.
i know it’s foolish but sometimes it really gets serious. it’s not yet 2 months living together as a married couple & there are days we kick the hell outta each other, again most of the times not physically but emotionlly & hell it’s worst than going out with black eye or broken bones.
we are walking on each other’s nerves every minute we are together for two-bit things, jus like last monday that i kept on yelling at her all day for dyeing her hair dark brown, i love her fair hair & guess it was worth asking for my idea as well, selfish , right?! yeah it’s her hair.
the fighting topics vary from little things (like garbage i didnt put out, clothes that must be ironed, shitty nappy of the girl that should be changed ) to important matters( why her parents dont stop interfering in our life.)
one funny thing is i really enjoyed the time i spent with the girl in DC all on our own, discovering it’s not that difficult to raise a child all on yer own.
i dunno why i cant stop the devilish thought of running away with the girl to wherever crowded city in the world & live happily ever after; shit, i know it’s stupid, the idea’s jus disgustingly stupid, i didnt know i have the ability to think & act like a real shit this far; somewhere down in the creepy part of my mind there’s this nasty thought of filling for divorce & asking for the girl’s custody;if i had a fighting chance, i would give it a try.
hell i think her mom’s right, the marraige thing was the worst possible shit that could happen to such a foolish relation.
sometimes i doubt loving her anymore; it’s jus for the girl’s sake, honestly my own sake, she’s the only reason i breathe, take her away for a while & i wont hesitate blowing my mind.
dont judge, dont blame, it’s all my fault; hell it’s all my facking fault & i know it.
wish i could stop this irrational fights & put things the way it used to be. sometimes i think may be it’s normal to have fights, but i dont remember my parents ever had a little quarrel, let alone physical fights. may be they were abnormal!
better stop thinking & make some breakfast; im more lovable when i dont think at all!
aha this is one of the cases of mental rape!

WEEKEND LOVE FORECAST: Lady Venus is right at home in Taurus. The “pretty” is spread so thick, it would be hard to miss. Look around. There’s beauty everywhere! ARIES: Can anyone to measure up to your expectations of love this weekend? TAURUS: You’re so attractive that instead of choosing from an array of offers, you could stay home to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. GEMINI: The cyclical nature of your love life is highlighted — the end of one era is the beginning of another. CANCER: You sniff out ulterior motives and can spot a fake from a mile away. So, when it’s the real deal, you know. LEO: Your intensity is matched by the brave and free — exactly your type. VIRGO: When you stop worrying about what’s going on in your love life, it starts to become the heaven it was meant to be. LIBRA: The kindest thing to do for your ex-love/stalker is to ignore him or her until the problem goes away. SCORPIO: Savor the fun, and it just keeps coming. SAGITTARIUS: The best dates include trendy locations and novelty. CAPRICORN: You’re ready to meet the folks, or, if you’ve already met them, be accepted in a deeper way. AQUARIUS: Fellow air signs (Gemini and Libra) embrace you. PISCES: What you’re looking for is poetry in motion, and you just may find it.

Main Entry: honeymoon
Function: noun
Etymology: from the idea that the first month of marriage is the sweetest
Date: 1546
1 : a period of harmony immediately following marriage
2 : a period of unusual harmony especially following the establishment of a new relationship
3 : a trip or vacation taken by a newly married couple
–honeymoon intransitive verb
–honeymooner noun
i havent written about myself in here, surely it doesnt mean that i dont write about my life at all, i made here for my thoughts not my personal life but as long as this part of my life’s really twisted with my thoughts there’s a little need of knowing me.
first about the entry, looked up the meaning of honeymoon in order to use it correctly & not to leave some misunderstandings. 😆 to me the third meaning is more appropriate.

ok let’s get back to the purpose of this post.
act one, scene one: the clock strikes 9 times anouncing it should be dinner time, though mr sun’s still out & doesnt wanna go to his bed .
me lying on bed upside down waving my legs in air, listening to “did my time” by KoRn, trying to get to the last level of Pirate poppers.
??: hey hellboy (put my name here), let’s have our last dinner, im really hungry.
me: no way, i had too much for lunch, dont wanna have anything, go on yer own.
?? angrily: yo mean it
me: yep, move on, i wanna be on my own
??: sure?
me: yes honey
??:%$&%^(%&$#*%^%$$# (some very romantic words that cant be written!)

scene two:1.5 hours later:
?? is back to the room, im almost done with pirate poppers ( i really enjoyed this game)
??: hey move yer %*(^&@%&^%@$$ i wanna sleep.
me: shitttttttttt, jus 10 more minutes, k?
??: ok jus 10 minutes
me continue playing,
??: where’s yer cell phone
me: under the bed
?? : omg, yo’re dammed lazy
me nodding (it’s obvious i cant deny!)
?? begins talking, 5, 10, 15 minutes, still talking, moi still playing, suddenly her tone changes
me stop playing & jump to grab the phone
bang crash#*^)^*U$&^(^&#@$@!^&^%(&^#@
10 minutes later, lights off.
??: did yo really have to jump on me like a roaring polar bear
me: yey, yo know we’re in north pole & im a polar bear
??: hey we didnt see any bear here yet
me: im gonna get one for you tomorrow before returning, ok?
??: i jus wanna see one not to have one.
me: no you’re not gonna have it, im gonna ask it to eat yo…..
accidentally i fell down the bed.

scene three 15 minutes later……
me: still awake?
??: yeah, yo’re turning & twistin too much & dont lemme sleep.
me: ahaaaa
me: are we really on honeymoon?
??: seems so.
me thinking a bit: should i write “married” when filling infronna “marital status” from now on?
a little pillow fight begins.


what a weird question? to have or not to have! hhhmm what i wanna have?!

well im talking about friends, i mean buddy. some one you can trust , someone you can LOVE, someone who cheer you up when crying, someone to give you courage when you need, someone to lean on when weak & things like this.

do i have such a person? nope. am i that close to anyone? nope

when you’re expecting such things from someone, you gotta do the same for him/her. am i that responsible? nah


Got no time to be on the road
Got no holes in my shoes
You’re the reason all my friends are gone
But I won’t run from you

guess i wanna be on my own, alone, i need such a person but im not ready to do my responsilities, lemme play with my toys & watch cartoons. fuck loneliness, lemme die on my own, i dont think such a person’s born yet. i dont think there’s some one as crazy as me.

let’s have a party & celebrate another depressed day. i love feeling blue. 🙂

jus lookin’ at the calender, whoaaaaaa it’s 11th , jus 3 days!

& then boogie! i dont have a list of human beings for this day! that means savin’ money. lol! 🙂

hhhmmm guess i better go buy myself a new pair of shoes & a red rose, too romantic ain’t it?!?!

ok if you think nobody loves you & wont send you card, jus mail me, i’ll do it 😉

time for studyin a bit, been out in the few last days & didnt open a page. 😦

i was thinkin of my project & last night i had a dream, sth about dia magnetic itergranular stress or like, but i cant remember ; better go to bed & maybe i dream of it & write it down! hehehehe