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Category Archives: feelings

oh my dearest you have no fucking idea how much i missed you all those endless long endless day-like nights, staring at empty pages, or even the blue thing on top of other people’s writing cans all saying to me, sorta even deceiving me to write!

officially i haven’t blogged since 12th of last month, technically i haven’t written any crap for a whole month and by now i’m dammed sure my psychiatrist is so proud of me.

i can’t say it was a good time but it was fine. and i really have no idea to whom i’m talking too. Alllooooo any muthafucka out there?

if you wanna become an expert, you need helluva practice. and i can’t even write a logical thing (let’s pretend i could write some time ago)

so as for the start or kinda end to something review the last 6-8 weeks!

1. broke up with my ex (fucking bastard, it was obvious he wasn’t my kind)

2. changed my psychiatrist and as a result went through all the shit with new meds and dosage!

3. the baby girl turned to be Ms. talkative with lots of crazy questions, just giving me headaches and making me wish i was deaf!

4. i gave up the idea of spending so many nights surfing the net and instead i started to read some books!

5. some fucking bastard stole my laptop and a few other things, just forcing me to choose between a brand new laptop in the next 3 years or a digi-cam for the coming 3-4 months.

6. last not least apparently and to some extent obviously i found my mr. right and Gawd he’s so sexy and lovable. i’m not gonna give any details cos you may kidnap him. all i can say is that he’s so much better than all the guys i’ve dated to date!

what else?

aha, as long as i’m back and i’ve made my mind to keep on blogging and writing crap for a while i thought this blog needed a new look and beside the new theme (that i have it on my other blog and love it so much!) i needed a header so  without further ado, i bring to you the extinct species living in north pole aka me (i know you were dying to see my face!)

i know i look really ugly and remind you of your great great great grand father but i can promise you to have a plastic surgery asap (i’m saving for it, may be you can help me a bit!)

ok, that was enough for today. i’m gonna change the header soon, i’m just looking for something better!

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personally I don’t care much about politics cos i can’t do anything to stop or start something planned!

but when i read this ” Millions of dollars for rural schools and roads in Alaska are now at stake in a confrontation between the White House and congressional Democrats over withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq.” in the papers, i really despised those fat guys resting their ass on comfy chairs and looking for a way to make their pocket full the money collected from taxes and in the end not only any school or road is made or fixed; they let the troops get mental diseases or die for no reason.

i dunno how this stupidity can be stopped but i think nobody ever stopped such things during the history. So i put my backpack in the car, kick J’s ass to shake a leg, jump into ym chevy and press the gas to get to the airport before the plane takes off.

see you later in Anchorage. i bet I’m gonna die spending 20 days working hard without my family. i already miss Alexis and Meg!

when he doesn’t take his pills, his world looks so crazily crazy.
honestly i haven’t finished my report yet, there’s still a lot left and I’m not sure whether i can finish it tonight or not cos I’m so down and depressed and surely I’m not in the mood of doing anything right now.
I’m glad you’re feeling better and at last you found some time to spare and check here…………………..
you know every word i type takes ages to come to my mind and it takes me a good 5 minute to finish every line. i type a few words, stare at the screen and then ask myself:” then what? is it all you want Keith? are you sure these are the words you wanna say?” then i answer myself with a big NO and another long meaningless stare.
(you have no idea how long it took me to write the lines above!)
i feel weak, my hands are cold as ice, yes it’s nothing unusual. i dunno why my hands are so cold every day and it’s been like this all my life.
I still remember that guy at highschool, I still remember his green eyes and warm big hands and how much i enjoyed sitting by his side and he holding my hands in his so they wouldn’t feel numb anymore. i remember once i told him:” B I really love you, why you keep on ignoring me?” and he didn’t say a word, just smiled and held my hands tighter. I wish i could see him again and this time i wouldn’t hesitate to kiss him.
sometimes I’m not sure how alive i am cos it’s hard to hear my own heart-beat and yes my hands are cold, as cold as the ice outside; then how could i be still alive?!
it must be something very weird to feel ok, so are you ok?
you know i had to finish that fucking report but i didn’t. it was a “must-be-done” obliged by myself cos i have to read tones of articles and there are 2 articles that i have to write it by myself in a week time and i don’t have any idea how to write them cos i have to open piles of books and spend hours searching before i can write the introduction;and next week I’m going back to Anchorage and it’s again another +12 hours working everyday and would i have enough energy to finish anything?! surely not cos I’m not a super hero with significant natural powers.
Keith, don’t drown, for God’s sake, don’t drown!

I’m sick of myself, I’m sick of this world, I’m sick of everything and everyone cos there’s no reason left to go on, i wish i could puke my brain and dig into my rib case to take my warm beating heart out just to take a look at it, just to make sure it’s still beating. and what should i do if it wasn’t beating, it wasn’t warm but a big cold stony thing?!

how much i like to lock this door and stay in my bedroom forever, and do you know how long forever is?! is it too long?
i would have locked the door if i knew where the key was but the key is not in this room; it’s not here so where is it?
yes i know it must be miles away, probably melted to something better, may be a a wire for cutting heads, but who makes wires outta cast iron?! Keith, you know no one do that cos it’s not possible to extrude cast iron that much! you passed that course, didn’t you?

so why i agreed with her that we shouldn’t lock doors in our home?! i dunno, may be she was afraid of the day i do something stupid?! then that’s so stupid cos I’m doing stupid things everyday and why should she bother if i hurt myself? is it really that important?

i spent most of the day reading and thinking; what was the name of that book? i dunno
And who was the writer? i don’t have any clue, but i know it was written in French and all i read was a quite good translation that you had to re-read some parts to understand and you couldn’t skip lines.
and how much i felt like the heroine of that tragedy , was she the heroine then? did she drown herself? if she did then why the writer didn’t say anything? why I’m still sitting in my bedroom on bare floor and leaning against the door so no one can come in!
it must have been a good story that i cried when it finished. and i cant see the point those fucking tears are getting together to make a big drop and run down my face just to give me a feeling of wetness and salt.
hey it’s been years since the time you grew up and you’re still seeking for that thing, for that lost part of your past?! and why don’t you stop it? yes i know you like dreaming about your own nightmares and what’s that big nightmare making you hide behind your blanket and weep sadly? are you really that sad or you like that bitter feeling of being lost in your never-land and cry for help. shout as loud as you can and then shut your mouth cos there’s no voice left for you and you know nobody cares!
you care?! why should you? tell me just a reason and that’s gonna be enough!
because you love me?! that’s stupid cos i cant see the reason to be loved.

no, i wasn’t created to be an angel, i was made to be a fallen creature struggling in his own shit every minute. so where are you hiding now? don’t you really wanna think nasty and talk dirty? where’s your next blog entry? look that guy’s such a turn-on , how dare you stand still and stare at the nothingness infronna your eyes when he’s shaking that sexy ass so wild!?!

how sick i feel, how tired i feel and how much………. no i don’t want this dirty life end cos i cant stand my own shouts and cries and begs when suffering that eternal torture on my sluttish body.
“I didn’t give you this body for your sexual pleasure, you were supposed to worship me, to praise me, to beg me to forgive your stupidity. how dare you committed so many sins in front of my very eyes, you little worthless creature of mine” he’s gonna say this, he’s waiting there to rip my flesh with his divine sword and say this to me.
” so you wanted to be disobedient?! you thought that it was a big ridiculous joke written in those holy books saved there just for you to laugh at in the future and tease your creator!? who you thought you were?! weren’t you another creature i made cos you had to exist on this big planet so i could show my heavenly powers, I’m the mighty one, so kneel and praise me.
you rude creature, how dare you stare at me with your sinful eyes. i didn’t give you those eyes to gaze at whatever bare body you could find; those eyes were given to cry for forgiveness.”

I’m an attention seeker, i do anything to attract attention and i don’t mind what it is: it can be exposing my body to whoever wants or exposing my thoughts to strangers. i offer you my hand for help but actually all i want is pulling you closer to own you. i want you for myself, i want you to pay attention to me and just me!
and how lonely i am cos I’m lost. he’s there watching me, waiting for me to call him and he’s gonna take me outta this shit with his almighty hands.
“call me son”
” no, i don’t like you, i cant see the reason to love that infinite eternity. why you created me? how dare you created such a weak creature that you knew he’d fall and could never climb up to your heavenly doors?! you enjoy watching me suffer from my own sins every now and then that i feel there’s no reason for living but just loving you and then i go, i cry helplessly in front of your powerful eyes and go. go back to my every day life.
“so how’s Alexis doing? want a ride on daddy’s back?!”
or kissing my sweetheart and saying” babe, so what should i buy today?”
or spanking that boy and slipping a tongue in his warm mouth and thinking:” he tastes so good”

how real are they? ain’t they a reflection of my own thoughts?
who am i? what am i doing here? are you sure I’m the one I’m trying to show?

I’m 26, i have a degree in material…………… how do you know?
it’s obvious? yes I’m so fond of metals, I’ve been a fan of heavy metal all my life, huh?! no not that metal? so you want me to talk about forging? or why you cant weld aluminum? or how you can make nano-wires?!
how small a nano-wire is?! i think i have some wires in my closet, lemme bring ’em!

I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m weak, this stomachache is killing me, it’s been days since the first time it bugged me. ” i must be hungry” so i eat, i empty plates but it gets worse. i try to ignore it. then it must be PMS. PMS? are you alright?
yes I’m alright, I’m sure, it’s my PMS!
so when did you last have a period?!
hhhmmm i don’t remember, it must be years ago. yes it’s so long i don’t remember when it was. can you tell me how it is like, may be i have one right now?!

where’s that book*? was it a book or just notes? where have i put it? did i really read it?or may be it was a dream?
momma, i wanna talk to you!, do you know where daddy is? huh?! he’s gone. yeah yeah i know.
what? it’s not polite to use “yeah and huh!” why momma, why it is like this?
huh? i shouldn’t call you momma cos it’s childish?! then what should i call you? is it ok if i call you mom, or what about mommy, i think mummy’s gonna be much better!

why i felt so much like Clarice? yes you were such a good mom. i could kiss and hug you whenever i like but did you ever botheryourself to ask me how i felt?
“mommy i feel sore in my throat”
–“ok, i’m gonna take you to the doctor, i’m gonna make you soups, i’m gonna give you orange juice”
“mommy, i won’t come home before 8, we’regonna have a game with the other team from the other school”
–” ok, but be home before 9″
“momma, you know today i scored 20 points all on my own, you know we win and those guys were so tall i have to pass the ball between their legs”
–“why your clothes are so dirty? put ’em in the washing machine and hey wash your legs before going to bed”
“momma i got A+ in my geometry exam and you know it was so hard, many of the other kids could hardly get a “D”!”
–“good, now wash your hands and come have dinner”
“momma, why you never take a look at my report cards?”
–“cos i know you have good marks!”
“momma, do you know which grade i am in?”
—————–
“momma i need a bike”
” if you get good marks, we’re gonna buy you one”
“momma, ever wondered how i go to school?”
“yes by bus!”
“so why you never take me there?”
“cos you can go yourself”
“momma do you wanna come and see the final game?”
“no, i hate basketball”
“momma we won, take a look at my -fake- medal?”
“put it there and take a shower”
“momma, my friend john told me his mom helps him with his homework, so why don’t you help me?”
“cos you have to do it on your own”
“momma may i sit on your lap?”
“wait, i have to finish cooking”
“momma can i sit on your lap now and you run your fingers through my hair”
“ok”
“why don’t you cut your hair?”
” ok, i’m gonna do it, if you kiss me”
and she kissed me.
“why you never kissed me good night?”
“cos you’re a man now”
“but you never did it when i was a kid”
she turned her head.
“keith, don’t cllimb that tree, you’re gonna hurt yourself”
“no, i won’t, wanna come up?!”
“momma why you never come to school and talk to my teachers”
“for what?!”
“to see how i am doing at school”
” cos there’s no need, i know you’re a good student”
*********
“momma, you gotta come to my school tomorrow”
“why? ask your dad to come”
“no you must come”
after lots of struggles she came.
” you know Mrs…… you have a genius son but ….” they didn’t let me stay.
on the way home. “momma, why are you so silent”
she didn’t answer, surely she was thinking about what i did.
the next day she gave me a box of color pencil. i knew what i had to do, i gave it to the boy sitting next to me; later i threw his pencil box in the garbage can. no i didn’t want his pens, i want my mom to come to my school, she didn’t say a word. did she understand why i did it?!
*********
“momma today i met…..” slamming the door, she doesn’t mind i met someone i love.
“momma you know today me and … went to the lockers and……….” yes she doesn’t care her son is no more virgin.
and did she ever ask me why?!
yes once she found the romantic letters i wrote.
“so tell me what are these?”
“nothing, well they’re not mine, they’re for my friend’s. he gave them to me so……..”
shit why i could never lie to her.
“end it, you’re still a child”
” ok mom. ok, i will”
yes i ended everything, and she didn’t bother herself to ask me whether i loved her or not!
AND YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN I GOT MARRIED, YOU WEREN’T THERE TO SEE YOUR GRAND DAUGHTER AND YOU’RE NOT HERE TO SEE HER TALK!

yes, i’m 26. i’m a grown up man or at least i look like one and i’m still looking for a mom.
that old lady sitting in the park,yeah she’s so perfect to be my mom.

“do you want a son?”
“do you wanna be my mom?”
“i promise to be a good boy , you know there’s something bothering me, there’s something eating me from inside and i don’t wanna tell my wife, ….. yes she understands but……..
thank you
can i sit here?
am i a bad son?
you know i really tried to be better but i cant change myself.
you know last night………
hhhmm actually ………
yoohoo any body there?
you’re gonna mail me, ain’t you?
what?1 you’re busy tonight? ok i can wait- or i have to wait-
am i bothering you?
do you mind if i kiss you?
can you hug me?
i’m not feeling ok.
you know you’re such a good mom, i love you…………

BUT YOU’RE NOT MY MOM AND YOU NEVER WANNA HAVE SUCH A SON BUT WELL YOU’RE SO GOOD THAT YOU DON’T WANNA BREAK MY HEART. OK I TRY TO BE YOUR MOM BUT YOU KNOW……
YES I KNOW, YOU’RE NOT MY MOM, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND THERE’S NO REASON TO CARE ABOUT SOMEONE LIVING MILES AWAY. SOMEONE YOU MAY NEVER SEE!
I APPRECIATE YOUR ATTENTION AND I LOVE YOU AND YOU KNOW IT’S NOT JUST WORDS….
I WISH YOU WERE MY MOM AND THANKS FOR EVERYTHING**

*.I was reading this:” Elle est parite” by ” Catherine Guillebaud”
**. those words asking you to be my mom are so familiar to your eyes, am i right? and you know I’m talking to you and i knew no other way to thank you.
***. i know no one wants a son like me but if you ever wanted a son for free, I’d be happy to have a mom!

I looked into some old pages and I found this, it looks quite funny right now!(I looked so AC/DC LOL!)

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Closing the door and pulling all the curtains  , i crawled into the bed and closed my eyes, I could hear my own heart beat cos it was beating so fast and strong I thought it might jump out of my rib case ; I was nervous like a teenage boy trying something forbidden for the first time.

I trembled a bit as her lips touched my cheek, it was more like an electric shock given to a dead body. I thought:”Oh my Gawd, I want her more than anything else.” I couldn’t stop myself from what looked so natural. Without much hesitation I hugged her tight. keeping her close to my sweaty body I kissed her cheek and then I kissed her lips. I closed my eyes and stuck my lips to her as long as I could still holding her close to my body.

She tasted me with her tongue and we started eating one another. she was so sweet, tasting like a cup of hot chocolate to me that I felt i was in heaven, I wanted the clocks to stop working and let those moments last for ever.

I didn’t realize when she unzipped my jeans and got her cold sweet lovely fingers inside but just a simple touch of her was more than enough for me; I was as hard as stone and I was sure I wanted her to go further so I let her do whatever she liked to my body. She turned upside down and in a few seconds she was between my legs and she  was exploring my shaft her tongue and massaging my balls with her fingers. I moaned in pleasure, grabbed her hair and directed her head to the place gaping for attention; she took my meat inside her warm mouth and sucked it like a little baby, at first she sucked it slowly then she sucked faster. I couldn’t hold for long, I cried: “omg, I’m cuming” she sucked my cock harder and i came. she ate all my loads & didn’t waste a drop.we were both breathless; but I had to satisfy her too cos I didn’t want to owe her anything. so we quickly got outta bed  and got rid of our clothes. Jumping back on the bed, we got to the 69 position and I buried my face inside her wet pussy, I licked a few drops of her juice then teased her by running my tongue around her well-shaved pussy. She hadn’t left a pubic hair as if she knew we wanted do it that day. the aroma coming from her pussy was so great and intoxicating for me. I dug into her clit thrusting my tongue inside her. I could hear her moaning and panting, I sucked her harder, she let out a loud cry and it was followed by her juices. I licked her clean and she tasted so good. I laid on my back and i was hard again cos she was teasing me with her tongue as I sucked on her clit.

She winked at me then she stood up and parted her pussy lips giving me a full view of her erect clit; it was such a turn on for me that all i wanted was to fuck her tight cunt. She lowered her body as if she read my mind, she grabbed my cock and put the head at her entrance, I was ready to fuck her. I stared at her big beautiful eyes and begged her to go on. slowly slowly she let me in. I couldn’t believe she was so tight, her pussy muscles tightened round my organ and I could see pain in her eyes. She remained in the same position for a few minutes before starting to ride, at first she moved slowly, then she went  faster trying to get me completely inside. But she was so tight and my dick was a bit too thick for her she couldnt take me in. she rode faster and harder as I got closer to my climax. A few more strokes and we both came together and I helped her lay on my side with my semen oozing outta her hole.

I love her so much, she’s so perfect, so hot, so sexy, and sometimes it seems she’s never satisfied and that day was one of those times.

It didn’t take long before she was ready for another mission, she held my cock in her hand and started to play with it to wake up th beast. But I couldn’t keep up with her pace, I needed some time to regain my power and another erection.

she played with my cock for a while till it was hard again then she moved on her for ready for me to get inside of her. I got behind her and held my cock with one hand and lubing the other hand. I played with her ass cheeks then touched her tight ass hole trying to insert a finger but she yelled:” no anal” .shit , I knew; I knew she didn’t want anyone play with her anus. I parted her pussy and got inside of her so hard that she let out a loud scream, I knew she was hurt so I pulled out and this time I thrust slowly. we went on till we came, I came first but i kept on thrusting till she came too, then we laid on the bed holding each other and panting, we were both exhausted.

Thanks heaven her parents were out or they’d kill us if they knew what we were up to.

We spent quite a while together on the bed, kissing and touching then we showered before her parents came home. Then we went downstairs and turned the TV on, pretending we were watching it all day.

Though it was a great time, i still feel something was missing; i wanted her to fuck me from behind with her dildo. i felt my ass was on fire, shit, i hate this feeling, i don’t wanna act like gays.*

*. yes I know  this post was all crap but I have noticed a few things:

1. I write a bit better now

2. I love my wife

3. I was a real fag who was afraid of his own homosexual feelings

4. I’m happy I’ve found my boy

5. just 9 days left and I haven’t done anything for our first anniversary, any one has any idea to help?

to my not very surprise, today Jeff came to my in-laws’ place so he can ask them for some help.
this is the conversation between me & mom (or something like this)
mom: so what’s your problem, keith?
keith: huh? whacha talkin about?
mom: you know what i am talking about, don’t you?
keith: nah, gimme a hint!
mom: com’on keith, don’t pretend you cant understand me. (pointing to the living-room where he’s watching TV)
keith: aha,HIM! no problem.
mom: so why you don’t talk to him?
keith: cos we have talked a lot, nothing left to say.
mom: but he says he can explain, he jus wants a chance.
keith: mom, why ya on his side? he’s said what he could say. what does he wanna add?
mom: give him a chance, for my sake.
me thinking and scratching my curly wavy hair.
keith: ok,only cos you asked me but he can have just a minute.
so i went to the living-room
me: hey
he raises his head and looks at me with a stupid grin on his face.
me: so whadya wanna say?
HIM: hi, come & sit here.
i stand still by the entrance.
me: i don’t have much time.
Him:(looking a bit offended) whad do yo wanna do?
me: Alexis wants her horse to give her a long ride on his back.
Him: and that’s more important to you?
me: playing with my daughter is more important than many things.
Him: I see
me: so?
i keep silent for a while but he doesn’t want to speak so i go on.
me: Look J i’ve told you everything, and i’m gonna buy you a pair of rings if that’s all you want.
Him: keith!
me: yes! what do you wanna tell me? you wanna say you’ve decided to get married and live a very straight life in MY city, right?
Him: for heaven’s sake, slow down.
me: time’s up, i have to go.
Him: fuck you………
i don’t let him finish his sentence.
me: no, i don’t have the time to get fucked, besides i don’t have any condom here and i’m not in the mood and well i’m having my period.
grinning at his puzzled look, i go outside the room looking for my little girl.
me: Alex, Alexis, Lexiiiiiiisssss, where ya? come to daddy!
wiggling her little hands she runs down the stairs.
me shouting: ” holy …….-i bite my lip remembering i shouldn’t curse infronna her- don’t run”
i catch her somewhere in the middle of air and hug her tight. she screams and i let her go.
Putting her hands on the side of her head she says: “Orse”
me kissing her:” ok, horse but that’s a rabbit that has big ears like you” she giggles.

15 minutes later, me lying on the sofa half dead half alive, i wasn’t born a horse!
i can hear Alexis shouting at her mom for not giving her lipstick to her, God she’s an exhibitionist even now!

He comes to the room, touching me on the shoulder, i open my eyes and sit.
me: what?
Him: you played with her, didn’t you?
me: so?
Him: can we talk now?
me: i thought we talked enough that night and you were supposed to leave last morning, weren’t you?
Him: can you shut your fucking mouth up for a second and listen?
putting my forefinger to my noise and said:” shush no f-words, she may hear”
lowering his voice:”ok, i made a mistake but i wanted to know how it was like.”
me almost shouting:” how it was like, how it was like?!, do i look like donkeys? do you see a tail? and you didn’t know how it was like?! you’re trying to say you were virgin? go fuck yer mom……….
mom came to the room: KEITH!
me feeling red with blushes: sorry, i meant nothing
i wait till she goes out of the room
me: so what do you want now?
unzipping my jeans i went on: so you wanna fuck me to see how it is like?
he grabs my jeans before falling.
Him: Keith, for God’s sake, for the sake of the one whom you worship, for the sake of your loved ones
i stare at him, and said: ok for their sake what? don’t ask you to fuck me cos i need something in my ass!?huh?!
him looking else where and murmuring: “bitch”
me: i heard it, yes i’m a bitch, didn’t you know that? then what?
i zip my jeans and make a bee line for the door
him: i’m sorry keith, i’m really sorry
me: if you cry, i may think about it
Meg coming to the room, pretending she didn’t hear anything; “so what’s the problem boys?”
me leaving the room: nothing, it seems HE has found something new.
as i was almost outside the room, i shouted:” hey Meg do you have a good dress for his wedding?”
she smiles at Him and follows me out of the room, ” may be you have to buy me one!”
we let him think on his own, i wave at mom as we open the entrance door to go out for a walk with my arm round her waist.
mom: don’t stay out too long, it’s cold out there and don’t come late for lunch.
me: yes sire!
and i shut the door.
****************
may be you think i should have given the chance. actually i did and now i want him to decide what he wants from his life on his own. yes i love him and i don’t wanna lose him but i can’t tie to my bed!
i’m not sure what i really want to hear from him, well may be i’m a pussy bisexual preferring males to females more and he’s bi too, i knew it but i didn’t expect him dumping me without any warning. my heart is not a crowded street that many people come and go every where, i can’t love many people from the bottom of my heart, i have a limited space there and he has to make his choice!
***> any suggestion to get outta this hell is welcomed 🙂

I’m getting ready to get up and get dressed and get my lazy ass in right gears to move and leave home for a while to get something to eat. got what i said?

Spending my third day of staying home and doing nothing and just staring at random things and waiting for random things to crash on my head or other random unexpected unfortunate events, nothing special has happened till now. So i made my mind to get outta home and do something productive like running after kids, sitting on ice and catching no fish or shooting some moving things and then call ’em moving moose.

honestly it seems i was happier when working more than 12 hours a day, at least i was doing something and by the end of the month i could smile at the sight of those additional figures in my account.

right now: Meg & Alexis are out at some friends’ place, in-laws are enjoying themselves  doing i dunno what and my fucking boy friend is hanging with some (read one) cute girl(S) he met the other day.

and i know you’re green with envy! yes it feels great not to work that i feel i’m going crazy if i stay one more hour at home and i have decided to go back to my old job till the end of my vacation, then finish my fucking contract with that fucking company and get back home (that’s gonna take a whole month so fuck ’em all!)

and I know now you’re saying why i’m complaining 7/24 when zillion of gay guys are dreaming of my life and i wonder how they can be gay when they’re fantasizing about boobs and pussies!

i feel so gay today cos when i woke up, it was 10 to 8 and no one was at home and nothing was left for me to eat and i had 2 notes stuck to the fridge; one from my wife saying i could have crackers and milk for breakfast and she won’t be home earlier than 5 pm and i have to pick her up and i can join them for lunch if i were in the mood of getting outta house, taking a bath and shaving.

the other note from J was a lot better; it started with a “fcuk your lazy ass for sleeping too much” in bold and italic and big red font and i hate red pens! then telling me  he’s gonna spend his day with the girl he met the other day in a party he went with Meg & Alexis last Sunday.

things worrying me:

1. is it wrong to sleep 2-3 hours a day?

2. why no one tried to wake me up and take me with themselves?

3. why my gay boyfriend look so straight to me?

4. should i buy Meg a…… for our first anniversary or buy Alexis a tricycle or buy myself a skateboard or buy J a pair of rings for his wedding?

there must be something very wrong with me, i know it’s too hard to deal with depressed me and it’s hell boring to be down so often but at least they could offer taking me out than letting me stay home and drown in my own shit.

And i’m gonna laugh till death if J fucks that girl and tells me he’s not feeling gay anymore!

Wanna have a boy friend with a wife and a naughty kid? i’m 5′ 10”, 137 lbs and i’m just a pink elephant lost and looking for a caring guy, i’m not too ugly (yeah i look better than your gay grandpa! ) and i earn ….k$ per month, so can we meet tonight cos i feel so gay and i need an @$$ to f***.

i knew you were jealous of me, admit it!

It’s hard to live in this homophobic society, and it’s gonna be much harder when you’re a gay dad in a straight marriage.

Being grown up in a quite religious family when the masturbation was a big sin, loving someone the same sex would end in eternal hell where no one and nothing could save you.

I’m not anti-religion and I think to some extent humans must believe in something or otherwise they’re dead bodies walking, eating and doing other things without any meaning and a meaningless life, no matter how colorful, is not worth living.

It took me a while to understand my own feelings and a lot longer to decide what my sexuality was. At first I tried to change the attitude towards homosexuality in my family, honestly I didn’t get to any point and not only they didn’t accepted my sexuality, they treated me in a way I forgot about having any relatives and all.

Some of my friends did the same, while some others tried to convince me that homosexuality never existed and it was just an illusion made by my sick brain.

I gave up trying to change others and instead I started living my life as straight as possible, sometimes hanging with bi-guys for a change.

Though you might change your face with a better one using plastic surgery, it’s almost impossible to change your sexuality unless you do something to your genitals.

One of the most important things in my life is my daughter; I try hard to be a good dad no matter what happens. When I met the man of my dreams, I wasn’t really sure how far we could go.

Though quite hurt, my loving wife let me go as far as I wanted and it was too far, I almost got lost. Little by little I learned to handle my gay feelings in a way that neither hurt my boy friend nor my wife because I needed both of them.

As the feelings between me and my boy friend became deeper, I realized our relation was threatening my married life to some extent, “did I really want to get farther?” I wondered.

When the passion was over, it was me, my boyfriend and a family to support.” should I choose between them or like before I had to make a choice?” this was the question always bugging me.

When my in-laws decided to pay us a visit, I was sure I didn’t want my boyfriend around because I needed some time for explaining and making my own excuses. I was afraid of their reaction because feeling retarded wasn’t anything on my menu this time.

Unfortunately things didn’t go on the way I wanted and my in-laws met my boyfriend before I could defend my feelings.

To my surprise they treated me as usual, even better than before. As far as I could love my family unintentionally, there was no problem loving another one the same sex.

I’m thankful to my wife and her family for accepting me the way I am, not the way I pretended.  Surely it may sound more bisexual than homosexual when you try to love both sex but when the love is different, you’re only interested in your own wife and no other woman, but your boy friend can be replaced with some better guys, you certainly are a fag and you have to deal with it.

And I’ve been wondering about so many homophobic people surrounding the gay society.

“Why is it so hard to accept someone else the way they are, not the way you want?”

“What’s wrong with loving someone the same sex?”

“Are they afraid of a big homosexual society with no kids in it?”

“Ain’t this world too populated that a GLBT society won’t be a threat?”

“Why is it so disgusting to have gay couples among your friends?”

“Which one is a bigger sin: throwing your own child outta family for his/ her sexuality or incest sex?”

I hate those jackass people pretending they agree with all those homosexual thoughts but when they find out their teenage boy is seriously in love with another boy, they make him leave his house or change his mind.

Ain’t it too stupid for the same citizen not having the same rights when he/she marries with someone the same sex?

I know it was a lot harder for my in-laws to accept my sexuality but they did; and now I have to fight for my own rights against my aunts and uncles.

A married couple has definite right, what’s the difference between a straight marriage and same-sex marriage?!

I don’t know whether it is religions that make people allergic to homosexuals or they’re perverts who can’t handle their own shit.

I know there is something very wrong in the American society and it’s something that can be fixed. 

Why no one at school tells homosexual teenagers how to handle their feelings and have safe sex with the ones they love? Wouldn’t it be much easier to control AIDS without anti-homosexual education at schools?

I rest my case; weekend’s coming and I have to think of a way to get rid of my boyfriend or I have to do as he says cos I lost the bet.

 

 

does  it sound lame if i say i never had an accident , or at least not anything that i was the guilty driver?!

so last morning me & J were going to work and he was driving slowly (let’s say over 90 mph) and suddenly bang!

nobody hurt, no animal killed, nothing much serious except the fact i had a heart attack and all the hair all over my body went straight.  if only there was something to spray called “after shock”.

and i dunno who gave those mothafukcers driving license. And J was lucky it wasn’t his fault or i have shot him dead right there and ran away and then the cops ran after me and i said i didn’t shoot him cos i loved him so much then they caught my in-laws and surely they’d say we loved him more than our own son-in-law who’s a real asshole,then they would think the murderer was one of his old clients and no pro writes down who they fucked each day and they don’t pay any tax so why should i pay so much and i don’t smoke anymore cos they wanna increase the tax on cigarette and i don’t fucking care what the hell they do with that money but well i care and that’s my money they waste on killing innocent people and who told those bitches to go to other countries and fire their shitty missiles and yeah those bitches are probably my friends and why am i so crazy to hate them, huh?! my own bastard brother wanna join army? i’m gonna shoot him right now and how many people have i killed yet? i must be a chain killer* and this place is so hot and the iditarod 2007 is over and i couldn’t believe i cried cos i lost the bet to my shitty boy friend and i dunno what the hell he wanna do with me but gotta wait till the end of the week

and what caused so much trouble?!!!

of course that drunk driver who hit his truck against ours and i wish him death but well nothing serious happened.

FUCK Jeff King he wasn’t among the top 3, i have to cry cos i’m afraid of the weekend, i’m going to run away to another country, may be Canadah cos J seems to have some devilish plans for me **

Lance Mackey shouts for joy under the burled arch in Nome after winning the 2007 Iditarod Sled Dog Race on Tuesday March 13, 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance Mackey, of Fairbanks, Alaska, drives his dog team toward the final Iditarod checkpoint of Safety on Tuesday, March 13, 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

This guy may be the most excited winner in Iditarod history…..

the last ranking:

1 Lance Mackey (13)

and i’m gonna be in that race next year, and 10-12 dogs running after me, can i run that far?!!***

*. chain killer= serial killer (made by me as a kid)

**. never bet on stupid things with stupid people. J couldn’t believe he won the bet and now i really don’t know what’s going on his dirty mind. “The winner can be the master of the loser for a day”. ain’t that bet too stupid?! if you didn’t hear of me  next week, surely something very bad have happened to J!

***. the other day a cow-orker ran to me asking whether i blog or not, i said” think i do, so?”  and he told me about here and i denied that i have so much time to waste. he wasn’t satisfied by my answer, but he went and never looked back again, probably afraid of being killed accidentally!

it annoys me when people search my name and get right here and i left so much clues for people ready to hunt me but till now my in-laws and close relatives never said anything about here, i hope they never do or me & J get into real trouble!

 

 

 

Iditarod sled dog race leader Jeff King stands backwards on his sled as he crosses the 90 mile Kaltag portage before arriving in the coastal village of Unalakleet, Mar. 11, 2007.

the last time i checked the news , i got this

rank musher (bib)

A big FUCK!

and me & J started a new week together cos I  found him a job in the place i work, so at lunch times we can escape to the men’s room for some passionate kisses and a few fucks hihihi

apart from the so many good news i received, I found my lil sis’ mail telling me she’s gonna get married soon. it’s been a while we didn’t have much time for each other but i think she’s gonna have no time from now on and i’m really happy for her.

as i manage to slow down my stressful life, there are many things waiting for moderation.

sooner or later we’re going back to our little city with less work and more time for ourselves and friends and here comes the question: Would i ask J to come with us?

i still need some time to ponder and i’m gonna write my decision when it’s final cos i don’t have the energy for arguments and reasoning.

hhmm about the title, it was in my blogstats and i could swear it’s been written by my dad-in-law but well that’s too late for him to search a way to get rid of me 🙂

and do i let a boy with bipolar disorder to be my daughter’s boy friend? nope. it’s not because people with bipolar disorder are terrible, you shouldn’t give the chance to making a baby with that sickness cos the shit is too much to deal with and that’s really selfish of a parent!

time for a joke, this place’s been so creepy the last few days

“A Normal Person”

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor.. “A normal
person would use the bucket because it’s bigger
than the spoon or the teacup?”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window
or close to the door?” (reality sucks, right?)

did i mention my in-laws arrived here the other day?

and did i write about J being the one who picked them up from the airport?

and did you know i’m still alive and probably my in-laws gonna love my boyfriend more than me?

this world is crazy and so do i!

i’m hungry, actually i’m starving, i’m dying and they won’t bury me here cos everywhere is covered with ice and i have no chance of getting buried!

AND Jeff King is on top of the mushers’ list and i those who’re interested in K-300 know who he is.

this iditarod 2007 race is getting exciting, i should have signed up but then i was the one pulling the sled and a pile of dogs chasing me!

keep sane, i try to keep insane.

*.if you didn’t receive any e-card this weekend, mail me so i’m gonna send you one!

time to wash the dishes and may be eat.

To eat or not to eat?!! no that’s not a question to consider, the important thing is: to puke or not to puke!!

**. to the new readers: though i have a boyfriend, i’m not a cute girl, so don’t send me Viagra messages!

Sitting all alone on my bed, huddling under the blanket, hearing noises from the living-room and sobbing as quiet as possible; I try to think of reasons.

I’m judge and jury and executioner too and I’m  that usual con. “Guilty,  tie him to that fukcing ‘lectric chair”

“Lump it or like it, I can’t be someone else, at most I can be myself.”

1.How can she smile to such a disgusting man? How can she run happily to such a bastard and call him “dad”?

2.How can she love all those endless arguments? How can she tolerate so many mistakes and lie to herself “He’s gonna change. He’s gonna apologize.”

3. Why he never protested? How could be on my side the many times he knew I was the trouble myself? Why he tries to protect me against my own relatives? Why he wants to be dad instead of dad-in-law?

4. She never hated me but she finds it difficult to love me. She tries to understand me though i could never understand myself. It was so weird to see her kissing me and telling me everything  is gonna be fine!

5. No matter how much i try to avoid him, he wanna be included. I told him we can be partners if he promises not to come to my house and now I dunno what the fuck he is doing here!

********************

Unfortunately i know the answers to my questions: I’m not as bad as I think or as disgusting as the image i try to illustrate.

Alexis loves me cos I’m her dad, may be I’m not the best dad she could have but I love her so much that it neutralize my terrible habits to some extent. She’s too small to pretend she loves me, she’s so innocent to know how to lie. So when she bang on the door non-stop  calling me and pronouncing some crazy weird words that only her mom understands, she has reasons to love her dad!

I love Meg and she loves me, that must be the reason i wear that ring on my left hand. The other reasons are surely private!

Dad-in-law never tried to be my dad cos he knows that my dad was/is/ will be my idol and I won’t replace him with anyone but at least he can love me like his own silly son. So I thank him for being on my side many times.

Mom-in-law and me, me & mom-in-law. Urgh I dunno why both of us try to insist we’re in-laws and we have no other reason to talk to each other. BUT today she was different, she didn’t avoid me, she didn’t want to call me the source of misery. All she said was that everything is gonna be fine.

And the boy friend, i really have NFI what the hell he’s doing in my house right now, specially chatting with my in-laws. I must be a shameless man to let him stay. Well, apparently nobody has any problem with him so why should I!? May be he’s the next candidate for marrying Meg.

And I must get that fucking grip on me-self. I’ve been too much responsible!

I have 3 more weeks to work, I have 2 weeks off and I have to get ready for my first wedding anniversary (yes I remember it! 😉 )  so I have no reason to feel blue.

Conclusion: It’d be better to stop liking a real asshole (that’s gospel truth!). Stop writing so much crap, take a shower, shave and join my family. A dinner out won’t be a bad idea, let’s see who wanna pay the bill!!!

And congrats to all Delta inhabitants, King is in the second place of top mushers! (yeah, Fuck Buser for being and staying the first!)*

*. While others write about NHL,NBA, NASCAR,…. Why shouldn’t I write about Iditarod 2007?!!!

**. I have used capital letters at last!

***. URRGGGHHHH, this boy smells, go take a bath hell boy, Spank, Kick!

****. It’s cloudy and rainy outside and surely every where’s still covered with ice and mush. I wonder how it is like in other parts of the world! Any sign of spring?!

An Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race musher drives his team across the frozen wind-swept tundra on the trail between the Ophir checkpoint and the Iditarod, Alaska, checkpoint, Mar. 8, 2007.

romanheart.jpg

*:”thanks, it was a good night. we’re gonna meet again, right?”

# counting the extras:”yeah sure, why not?”

*:”can we meet this saturday?”

#:”let’s discuss it later, i gotta check my calender.”

*:”k, bye then.”

and how much i hated idiot johns like, *, when trying to act nothing has happened and ending their conversation with nice words.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Being tied to the bed, struggling with the pain, looking for a way to get rid of the addiction: I HAD ENOUGH TIME TO THINK, to review, to remind myself who i was, who i am and who i will be.

i wasn’t born a whore, actually i had one of those wonderful families with caring parents. my best mate was my dad and sometimes i feel he was the only one in this world i felt so close. both my parents were graduated from good universities, we weren’t rich but almost alway i had whatever i wanted so i’m quite spoiled.i went to good schools but most of ’em cramming religious stuff to weekly lessons. i read bible and went to church every Sunday.

i was so dependent to my parents, suddenly my house of dreams turned into ruin, i had no where to go, i was lost and nobody cared cos i was old enough to stand on my own feet and i hated God. i remembered all those fucking moral lessons so i took the road going left cos it was said the road on the right side ended to his fucking paradise.

Sex, the big taboo in my life then looked so fascinating. i could see all roads ended there and though painful the first time it still looked mysterious and and inner will asked me to give it another chance to exist.

some thought i was genius, i ignored them. but in the end i was the one who got the scholarship to prove that i didn’t need anyone’s help or sympathy, to prove i wanted my uncle dead, to prove he wasn’t my dad so he had no right to decide for me, to prove i was better than him and to prove i could do terrible things to his family right under his nose without him noticing. & it was no pleasure when after so many years i told him me and his daughter fucked each other more than he could count, it was a silly revenge that cost me a dirty soul that could never been cleaned.

the first time i did it the only reason was being too drunk and too curious but later i did it for the money. it’s easy to say, it looks like nothing when you watch in those XXX movies but actually the very first times are not that easy. you’re just selling your body to worthless drunkards who hardly remember their own names to gain what? just 50$ if lucky.

you could smell alcohol on my breath and i denied drinking; you could see empty syringe by my bed and i found it insulting to be considered a junkie, you could see the cum dripping from my butt and i refused to admit being a cheap  pro.  and how silly i was.

I don’t remember how i survived; well i do but i don’t wanna recall.

my soul is restless, my brain switches between moods and feelings so quickly sometimes my body can’t adjust and i found a few reasons to explain my bad behavior, the best and the most favorite is suffering from bipolar disorder. WTF! those who’re familiar with it, know it can be a trigger but not a reason, so i’m a shameless lier.

And the pain, sometimes it gets so intense i wanna die and well that’s the thing i want most of my days.

it was so ridiculous they didn’t fire me from university and it was a worse joke telling me i was graduated!

i loved kids but never thought of having one of my own, i enjoyed dating girls, calling some of them “girl friend” but i never wanted a female creature in my life, even the sex with them was a mean of masturbatory  aid. Getting my ass involved in a straight marriage was never on my list.  And i always tried to look at guys as a mean for earning easy money, how could i love a guy when the word gay wasn’t defined in my homophobic dictionary!

i still remember my first serious relation with a guy, we weren’t of the same kind yet i loved him. i still remember the feeling of envy i had meeting the gay couple living on the last story of the little creepy place i shared with a black guy.

She must be a magician, she must have poisoned me, she must have stolen my soul and made me dependent to her breath to live another moment. she slipped into my life quietly, introducing herself as a room mate. then she named herself a “good shoulder to cry on”. and now she owns me or at least she as my soul though there are times she can’t own my body or mind.

she looked so much like a human,  so she deceived me easily into handing her the key to my heart. my heart was filled with hatred, she cleaned it and put her love there. i told her there shouldn’t be any girl in my heart cos i was so gay, she smiled and said:”homosexuality is a choice” i betrayed her, hit her, cheated on her, insulted her. she stared at my eyes telling me my eyes were still innocent.

i left her to meet some fresh guys, to heal my gay feelings, to prove myself that my heart had no place for her, she showed me a very little ugly creature and called it “my child.

i told her that child wasn’t mine, it was a bastard. she gave me reasons i couldn’t deny. she said the baby wasn’t a bastard cos she had a dad and i was her dad. i told her i wasn’t born  to be a parent. she insisted and i told her i’d rather die than being her dad. i didn’t want to be her dad so i tried to kill her dad. why i survived, i still don’t know; may be it was her prayers that saved my shitty life.

i left her with her ugly child, looking for more guys to fuck, to sooth the never ending hunger of my inner lust. i enjoyed working in a gay bar, the money wasn’t so good but at least i could show my lustful body.

she prayed and prayed and prayed nights and days not to have me back but to save my soul. So i met a very hot guy that the first thing i wanted to do was to rip his pants off and  do his ass. he turned out to be my guardian angel, so pure i never dared touching him and he kicked my ass really hard that when with lotta trouble i managed to stand on my own feet, i was walking in a path full of lights, it was the right path i didn’t take years ago to show Mr. almighty i wasn’t his puppet.

i tried to be someone else, to love Mr. almighty, to love his creatures, to love my soul. it was a good experience i have to admit. Islam was a good inhibitor for me that put a big “don’t touch” sign on many things. i enjoyed some of them so i’m gonna stick to them for the rest of my life. But it seems i was born gay if not slut.

i was sure there won’t be any human being on this planet that could love me; i was wrong! and i hurt many of those caring humans. i tried to be as straight as possible but that’s not on my list. i love my boy friend but not as much as my family. and i enjoyed his escorting job though it was very sick for a married man that no matter i enjoy fucking random genius guys, i put it on my “never-done-again” list.

And i spent the rest of the night thinking and thinking and thinking. Thinking about the girl who enchanted me with her never-ending love. i even went through some old blog entries and i dunno who the fuck writes like this on his wedding day:

let’s stop for a second, kick everyone around then shout as loud as you can.

life’s so boringly mysterious.

congrats to myself.

i ate 2 ice-creams; watched Marilyn Manson, Korn & Kittie for 3-4 hours & finished my template.

beside that i only slept 2 hours cos i couldnt sleep!

wow im so happy. have a terrible headache; feel everything’s spinning round my head & see everything in the style of 3 year ol’ kids drawings!

could i have a better day than this!

let’s rock the world, i wanna turn the speakers up so i can shake the whole house, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, i love ittttttttttttt! (shout please)

im gonna make you, shake you ,take you, im ganna be the one who breaks youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

& this for the day after his marriage:

when nightmares come true

marilyn manson(the nobodies).JPG

i always thought of a time machine when i was a little boy; i didnt want it to go to past but to future.

i really wanted to know what would happen to me when i grow up.

obviously if we knew what’s waiting for us in the future,…….. fill the rest the way you like!

i aint gonna say anymore.

 i have a calender hanging in my room & it shows april 6th 2006; omg that means im getting older each day; there’s no time machine & as a result no future !lol

jus imagine if one of your nightmares come true; how would you feel?

if you could choose which nightmare come true, what would you choose?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while & the conclusion is my real nightmare had come true without me noticing!

seems i missed the point; no other chance to choose.

ok better change this guy singing foolishly in my ears; he’s driving me crazy.

i’m sick of myself cos i don’t wanna confess i didn’t mention Alexis existence before deciding to have another baby and there are lots of more not to be mentioned!

and now my wife’s colleagues refer to me as a caring dad and a responsible husband, if only they knew what a devil lives behind that innocent mask!

all i want now is to get rid of this excruciating pain and get back to work, finish my fucking contract and go back to where i belon. somewhere i have more time to play with my little girl and annoy my wife!

*. if you know what kinda creature i am, please let me know!

If i rant, if i cry, if i beg Mr. Almighty to die

he doesn’t listen to his sinful child

so i rant and cry and beg and shout

wishing for a moment that comes

when the world stop working

or i’m lying dead on the ground

whilst i can’t go through more pain

cos i’m weak, hopeless and down

( and i know you’re tired of hearing these

so i shut my mouth up and wait and bleed)

*****************

Paradise Lost p:38 bookIII

Hail, holy Light, offspring of Heaven firstborn,
Or of the Eternal coeternal beam
May I express thee unblam’d? since God is light,
And never but in unapproached light
Dwelt from eternity, dwelt then in thee
Bright effluence of bright essence increate.
Or hear”st thou rather pure ethereal stream,
Whose fountain who shall tell? before the sun,
Before the Heavens thou wert, and at the voice
Of God, as with a mantle, didst invest ***
The rising world of waters dark and deep,
Won from the void and formless infinite.
Thee I re−visit now with bolder wing,
Escap’d the Stygian pool, though long detain’d
In that obscure sojourn, while in my flight
Through utter and through middle darkness borne,
With other notes than to the Orphean lyre
I sung of Chaos and eternal Night;
Taught by the heavenly Muse to venture down
The dark descent, and up to re−ascend,
Though hard and rare: Thee I revisit safe,
And feel thy sovran vital lamp; but thou
Revisit’st not these eyes, that roll in vain
To find thy piercing ray, and find no dawn;
So thick a drop serene hath quench’d their orbs,
Or dim suffusion veil’d. Yet not the more
Cease I to wander, where the Muses haunt,
Clear spring, or shady grove, or sunny hill,
Smit with the love of sacred song; but chief
Thee, Sion, and the flowery brooks beneath,
That wash thy hallow’d feet, and warbling flow,
Nightly I visit: nor sometimes forget
So were I equall’d with them in renown,
Thy sovran command, that Man should find grace;
Blind Thamyris, and blind Maeonides,
And Tiresias, and Phineus, prophets old:
Then feed on thoughts, that voluntary move
Harmonious numbers; as the wakeful bird
Sings darkling, and in shadiest covert hid
Tunes her nocturnal note. Thus with the year
Seasons return; but not to me returns
Day, or the sweet approach of even or morn,
Or sight of vernal bloom, or summer’s rose,
Or flocks, or herds, or human face divine;
But cloud instead, and ever−during dark
Surrounds me, from the cheerful ways of men
Cut off, and for the book of knowledge fair
Presented with a universal blank…………

caution: this is a long post and probably i won’t post tomorrow so read this as much as you like and leave the rest for the next day  :-)if i wanna summarize my life this week it would be something like this:

1. spent an hour after work with my boy friend as described in some previous post

2. the next day Meg called me at work telling me i’d better go home a.s.a.p. cos something had happened to Alexis but she didn’t tell me what it was no matter how much i insisted.
my fucking boss didn’t want to let me go cos i still had an incomplete report on my desk. cut the long story short. i had to drive 1.5 hours to get home and nobody answered the phone at home, i dunno how other people feel in these situations but i felt horrible and i thought of all the bad things i could think of. at last i called J and told him go find Meg no matter how hard it was.
he’s such a dear friend, he called me as i took route … saying that there wasn’t anything serious but it’d be better to stop by the hospital.
i was really terrified and felt extremely miserable. i know i have no right to think of horrible things but that’s the way my mind works, it thinks of the worst possible situations. i dunno whether it was me who found J or the other way round, in a flash of light Alexis was in my arms, her little foot & arm wrapped in bandage and daddy looking for somewhere to buy her “yum” (a word for gum made by her)
i really spoiled her or as one of Meg’s colleagues said, she’s so dependent on her dad.
Alexis is doing fine now , she even woke up the next day to say bye to daddy and Meg took a day off to watch our little disaster.
you know Alexis is a real cute, lively, mobile disaster,;her mom was trying to make her some eggs when this lady asked for “loolet” (she’s addicted to chocolates like her dad, fuck her bad dad then!)
you know she repeats one word continuously till you’re really up the wall and wanna shut her mouth up, she looks sweet at first but extremely annoying some times.
so she asked her mom to give her “loolet” and her mom told her she can’t have any cos she had a big bar of chocolate  in the morning.
she cried and shouted and disturbed her mom that outta nowhere the burning fried egg fell on her arm and foot. thanks heaven nothing happened to her face and the burning is not severe.
when i arrived she was crying and Meg looked like a very worried mom so much like this *~* LOL
thanks God nothing serious happened, we’re very lucky parents, ain’t we?

3. the following day: i’m not this kinda lazy irresponsible parent but as far as i am a human, +60 hours works put lotta stress that i can’t tolerate normally, let alone enjoying one of those depressive episodes that i always have trouble digging outta ’em in very happy times of my life. in addition,there’s Miss naughty Alexis and the mess she makes and the fact that i do love my daughter more than my wife and other people in this fucking world!(should i mention i have to worry about my wife too?!)

i added a few more items to worry about cos apparently the stress and tension wasn’t enough for me.

a) the aforementioned friend of mine who has AIDS and i have to call him every so often to make sure he’s doing fine.

b) a teenage co-worker that lives with her old granny two houses away from mine. she’s a good girl, just 18 years old but really sick of her life and i have to show her that she has a lot to do with her life, or there’s no reason to hate her parents though they are such assholes dumping their own child to look for their own pleasure (her life’s a good soap that can bring tears to your eyes easily) & the ridiculous thing is i’m not the appropriate person to advise her cos i’m too suicidal myself 😉

c) J, he’s worrying me to death and as long as i blame myself on his current situation i have to help him. i told him we can be partners and friends if he quit escorting and drinking ( i let him smoke cos i sometimes do it myself so i cant ask him quit something i still do). he accepted my terms beside some other personal requests and then he had lotta  free time doing nothing so i should help him find a job no matter what it was just to keep him busy then he could find a good job later and i did help him find a job in the company i work for.

d) my relatives including my granny and brothers & in-laws. it’s so silly i miss my in-laws badly.

surely i’m not a good shoulder to lean on, and actually this much stress was more than i could tolerate.

So today i made lotta terrible mistakes like: doing wrong tests on wrong samples, confusing ASTM, DIN & EN standards. calling a cold worked sheet with 1.25% lead CK06 then typed 13% carbon in its element analysis and a lot more.

till lunch time i have fought and argued with any living creature in the section i work and i called my boss very bad names (yes i’m not really polite but i never call somebody that way!) and i had piles of reports to be handed before 2 pm, i felt dizzy, confused and the headache was killing me and not to mention other problems i had with my body for several days. it was my worst working day and i was turning it too unbearable for others.

i handed most of the reports and then went for the lunch cos i felt so sick and couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore. i even spent a good fucking 10 minutes in the men’s room puking and i didn’t feel any better.

when i got back to my desk, my boss was waiting for me so i readied myself for a good verbal fight. to my surprise he panted on my shoulder and told me it’d be better to go home and let others finish everything[ this guy didn’t let me go home a bit early last night when i was hell worried for Alexis]

the fact was that J had talked to my boss and gave him 1000 reasons why i felt and acted so bad, even apologizing him on behalf of me.

getting bored? ok read the rest tomorrow, i’m gonna continue cos i have to organize my brain.

me & J went to my fukcing doc, the lovely guy i was supposed to meet last week but i was too busy to waste sometime on myself. at least i’ve taken the blood, lithium… tests last week but i didn’t get the answers, but J did.

What i have done to my body: the feeling of decaying from inside was sorta true cos actually i was taking too much lithium* (a little more than15-20mg per kg of body weight) cos of losing 2 lbs! this wasn’t a serious case of intoxication and i’m doing a bit better.  worse than that some wise guy called me took lotta sleeping pills and pain killers in the past few months for different reasons that i got a positive for being a junkie.

yeah i know i have gone way too far from my limits for no good reason. surely keeping our house is not worth any of these.

so: i’m gonna take tomorrow off to spend a while with my doc thinking of a way to return things to what is called “normal” and i’m gonna have a hard time again!  then i’m going back to work next week no matter what happens and after that i have 2 fucking weeks off to fuck myself and any random guy (not really) then back to my shitty life again.

at the moment i’m enjoying one of those super awake times, so i think i’d better do something or read my “paradise lost” or may be wake J up after midnight and then call my bros and it’s gonna be a long night and i feel so sick, all i want is puke my brain and stomach!

aha, at last i managed to put a musher’s pic here,this is Ramey Smyth’s team arriving at the McGrath checkpoint on the Kuskokwim River on Wednesday morning.

iditarod.jpg

and how much i miss Kuskokwim 😦 , i cant imagine i’ve been living  in this icy hell for almost a year now, time to pee! if you feel bored and can’t sleep or don’t have much to do, i’d be glad receiving some e+mail.**

*. check these on google or other places if you wanna know more about lithium:Carbolith®, Cibalith-S®, Duralith®, Eskalith®, Lithane®, Lithizine®, Lithobid®, Lithonate®, Lithotabs® and Maniprex®

**.i’m not really feeling good.

note about me: been chatting with a few guys and gals and some asked me questions that i think i have to answer:

1. i live in Anchorage, Alaska with my family not my boy friend who i love lots!

2. lithium carbonate is a mood stabilizer  prescribed for people with bipolar disorder (check other posts or simply google it if you don’t know what kinda bitch it is!)

3. as said before, i have a degree in materials science and engineering and my job is nothing secret so i copy paste part of my e-mail to a dear friend of mine telling what i do for the living:i work for a material research center.
we have different sections like polymer, SEM & STEM,XRD, analytical chemistry, chemistry, foundry, quanta-metry , mechanical metallurgy and metallography.
it’s gonna take a day long to tell you what each part do but generally speaking we analyze the elements , grains, crystalline and casting structure, testing mechanical properties…. for metals and some polymers.
i work in the mechanical section, each material specifically metals and alloys have their own standards, we work with ASTM (american standard) most of the times but sometimes we have to try it with DIN (for germany) JSI (japanese) Euro-norm, BS (british) & a few more i cant remember at the moment, aha we use API for gas pipes and some other standards for beams, rods….
in each standard the preparation of samples are explained like the length of gages and airs  in  tensile samples.
we do many tests like impact (charpy & izod), tensile, bending, proof load, nick break, cupping …. to determine several characteristics of materials like U.T.S (ultimate tensile stress) or Y.S.  and see if our samples meet the properties in the standards.
for steels we use a special book called “key to steels” and there’s something quite like that for wrought aluminum, cast irons have their own standards.
there are a lot more we do but i think it’s gonna bore you, i just wanted to give you a brief view of what i exactly do.
that’s for my job and generally about material engineering, surely it’s a lot more than that.
actually in material engineering, experience talks  first then it’s the knowledge and books, so the more experienced you are, the more money you earn. it’s sorta empirical science but i like to learn more in designing molds and simulations. i think that’s what i wanna study later for my master’s.

*. under 18? get outta here right now, i wrote this post yesterday but i dunno what the fcuk is wrong with my other blog, i can load any page except the writing page. some might not like this but it’s actually based on my time with my boyfriend having fun & me trying to improve my writing skills ;-)*************

The silver sky slowly turned into darker colors as I looked outside the window.
“Just one more hour and then I can be home, this time earlier than the other days.” I wondered.
It was just another 1.5-hour drive on icy slippery roads and then a warm welcoming house and a hot delicious dinner were waiting for me. So I pressed the gas pedal harder to speed up.
My cell phone was ringing non-stop and it was really driving me up the wall.
I pulled over to the shoulder to see who was the one dying to talk to me.
“Hallo, who’s buggin’ me?” I asked.
“Do you mind stoppin’ an hour by my little hut of yours?” the voice from the other end asked. I took a look at my watch, I could be home an hour later than expected and it was still earlier than other nights so I replied:” ok, I ma’give you some time” the caller thanked and hung up.
I parked my truck and ran to his door as if I was late but actually I was 10 minutes early.
The place looked pretty dark except the candle lights waving dimly at passers-by. I looked around, no one was out there in the dark, I pushed the door open and there he was sitting on the sofa watching T.V.
“Hey, jus one hour and that’s all. So whydya call?” I said.
He smiled widely, turning his head to me:” hi babe, you’re a bit early so can we spend more time together?”
“Nope, you know the rules!” I frowned.
He looked quite disappointed: “Deal, jus one fucking hour; and should I pay first?”
Grinning happily I said:” we’re gonna discuss it later!”
He put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me closer so I could smell his scent that is something enchanting for me.
I tried to say something about what I felt but he put his tender lips on mine and gave me no chance to talk.
I parted my lips and let him slip his tongue into my waiting mouth, our tongued danced happily together, I tasted his sweet lips and then entered his mouth, I could feel the freshness there, and the whole sensation was great.
We stopped for a while trying to stare at each others eyes and reading thoughts.
I couldn’t stay like that for long, I whispered “I love you babe” and I licked his cheeks then bit his luscious lips.
“Umm you taste good but we have just one hour to be together” I told him as I was running my fingers round his neck.
He tried to lick my lips as I tried to get away from him.
“Fuck it; I thought you didn’t mind spending a few hours with me.” He claimed.
I smiled looking at his dark blue eyes,” I’d love to but that’s gonna cost you more, may be your head for instance!”
“Fuck yo, if you have to go, and then let’s hurry up!” I agreed and he grabbed my hand and led me to his dark bedroom.
Blinking a few times, we were used to the darkness inside the bedroom and we could see things pretty well.
“You’re a real whore.” He whispered to my ear.
I said:” I know” then kissed his neck, grabbed his sweater and pulled it. I wanted to go for his jeans but he took my hands away, going for his drawer and taking a box of condoms from there.

I went for the lights, the darkness was great but I wanted to see what we were doing.
In a flash of light we got rid of the things covering our bodies.
Both took a deep breath and simultaneously shouted:” you’re so hard”
It was funny both of us were so horny.
“I’ve been thinking of you all day” he said as he pushed me on his comfy bed.
“So did me” I paused then went on: “let’s get down to business then, heads or tails”
“I think heads” he answered thoughtfully.
“Sure?” I asked.
“Yeah, go on” he said lying on the bed beside me.
I moved between his legs, touching his knees then I touched his thighs several times before squeezing his balls with my fingers.
“stop playing, get into action” he asked.
I licked top of his beautiful cock, then making circles on the head and licking the whole length.
he grabbed my head and shouted:” do your job now or you won’t get any!”
I took a look at a clock hanging on the wall, he was right, time was passing so fast.
I bit & licked his cock a few times and then I let it slip in my hungry mouth ready to feel his hard cock.
I had to try several times before I could take him completely, as soon as he was fully in my mouth; we found a rhythm of a good fuck.
He fucked my mouth for several minutes, we were breathing hard, and then he said:” I can’t hold it anymore, I’m cumming”
I sucked him harder, bit him a few times and there was no return for him, his muscles tightened and I tasted his juices in my mouth, it was a strong load I almost choked on his shot.
He collapsed on the bed; I took a deep breath then moved to him, rubbing my painful cock on his body, I was so hard, harder than the time I stepped into his place.
I inserted my tongue into his mouth and let him taste his own juice.
Tasting his own sperm, I could feel his member stiffening again. I put my hand on his groin, moving it up and down; he closed his eyes and let out a deep moan.
I kissed him on his lips, my hand still jerking him off, and then kissed his cheeks.
I moved down to his little hard nipples, I sucked his right nipple and played with the left one, my other hand still working on his hard cock.
I slowed down and put my weight on my elbows so I could take a look at his face.
He was enjoying himself, his eyes closed and panting heavily. I moved down again and started sucking his wonderful dick standing proud and hard.
I slipped a finger in his hole.
“How do you feel?” I asked
He tried to say something but it looked so hard as I inserted another finger into his tight ass.
I sucked his cock one more time, and then pulled my fingers away.
“Bitch finger-fuck me right now” he ordered.
I grabbed his balls again and squeezed them really hard; he let out a loud groan.
I put his cock in my mouth, inserting2 fingers into his ass, this time fucking him really hard.
He grabbed my head again pushing it hard against his balls, I was sucking him really hard and my fingers couldn’t go any farther. I put the third finger in his hole and he couldn’t take it any longer. He came as intense as the first time.
I licked the last drop of cum, this time I swallowed every drop. Then kissed him on the lips and jumped outta bed, I got dressed as quickly as possible, but I have to struggle with my hard-on, it didn’t want to go inside my pants.
I waved him good-bye and kissed him again, he looked exhausted.
“Wish you had more time” he said sadly, putting his hand on my hard thing trying to stroke it.
I gasped for some air, “may be next time, and tonight was jus yours and I have one more place to go.”
We kissed each other one last time and I headed for the door.

obviously i’m really busy. sometimes i have no time to pee and i mean it.
i eat like a big fat pig but not only i don’t put on weight at most i don’t lose weight.
many times there are so much stress to finish the reports and tests on time, i really wanna sit down and cry. and as bipolar as i am it’s really hard to make fun of things to change the tension and stress in the working place.
i’d be glad if there were 34 hours in a day, at least i could find some time for myself cos everything is hurting me, sometimes i feel my body is decaying from inside: terrible stomachaches, unbearable headaches, exhaustion,sleeplessness and worse than those my old enemy, Asthma. i’m not complaining (well yes i am) but it’s too hard to work 12-13 hours* a day without saying a word.

there are many things i wanna talk about cos these thoughts are eating me from inside but i find no time, i don’t have any time for my baby girl and just 1-2 hours for Meg at nights when get home hell tired. it’s so funny and pitiable. i eat she talks about her day, she washes the dishes, i talk about my day, no fighting, no arguing, no walk by the river side, no meeting friends, no time for teasing. we’ve turned into human robots and it’s so sick.

honestly i cant do much to help myself, i really need that 4-5 hours sleep cos even tired bipolars cant bear the sleeplessness for many nights.

i sorta miss myself, every time i look at myself in the mirror i see a stranger without feelings, it seems there’s no place for the sensitive guy i knew, i dunno what am i turning to but i don’t like the new look on my face, those eyes are so cold.
**************************
today’s news:
Ringed seals, like this animal near Barrow, dig out snow caves on the sea ice, where they surface to breathe and give birth and avoid getting eaten by polar bears. Warming is melting Arctic sea ice earlier, moving up the time when snow lairs dug by ringed seals collapse.

*.originally copy-pasted from my thunder bird inbox(without editing) that means it wasn’t written for blogspace but my friends.

surely some of you already read this, i apologize but i’m too busy to add anything besides i hardly see Alexis awake so i dunno what new words she added to her dictionary. this life sucks but i have to tolerate a few more weeks and the contract is over & surely we go back to our little city with more time to spare with Alexis.
_________________________________________________
1.baby Alexis and tablecloths
once upon a time there lived a very naughty baby girl aka Alexis.
she had a fetish about tablecloths, dreaming of them most nights, she even tried to say its name but well it’s a hard word for a beginner like her.
one day Alexis with mom+ dad went to a super expensive and luxurious restaurant with candles on the tables and romantic music playing. Alexis got ecstatic and began running and screaming making everyone look at them and her parents felt really embarrassed so her dad began chasing this little girl to stop her, she ran and ran and ran till she lost her balance and “ooohhh, no, she was falling” **
to avoid hitting the floor she got hold of her old fetish, and not to mention the very expensive articles on the table and the burning candle and the elderly couple sitting there and enjoying their meal.
so her poor dad had to make a quick decision, he had to grab her in time so she couldn’t pull the tablecloth………………
thanks heaven nothing happened only a few drops of soup dirtied that old lady’s pricey dress and the candle fell but luckily grabbed by the old man. poor dad sighed in pleasure and tried to release the part of tablecloth still remaining in Alexis’ firm fist. as soon as he succeeded Alexis burst in tears and the unlucky dad had to mug for her making a real ass of himself.
so after apologizing umpteenth time from that elderly rich couple and making sure they weren’t offended but became very fond of the little bandit they made a bee line for the exit door without having anything and thinking of a sandwich or two for the night!***
the end
ok bye honey, write me soon

**. Alexis raises a real hell when she falls, we usually ignore her so she gets up and begins running again but the screams and little cries are intolerable for strangers (such attention seeker she is!)
***. this really happened a while ago but J was with us and actually he suggested going to that place & paying for everything, honestly we don’t have the money for such places!
________________________________
2. Alexis VS. Cactus
i love my cacti a lot so i take them anywhere i move (try to imagine how horrible it was to move my cacti by plane!)
some days ago, i put my cacti on the table and went to kitchen to find a glass for watering them. this table is low enough that Alexis can take anything from that.
so came naughty curious Alex and there was this one with cute spines. it’s so natural to touch such things and then ouch, one of the spines got stuck in her little finger, me & Meg spent a while picking that spine outta her finger, then tied it with a little clothe to stop her from crying. it was just a little spine but she liked showing her finger to everyone then to answer the question “what happened to your finger?” she said proudly “tus”* and pointing at my cacti on the window edge.
so this is a new word, since then we call my cacti, “tus” and Alexis gets excited. she’s wonderful, ain’t she?
_________________________________________________________
3. “Tus” continued
i think we’re gonna have serious problems with the word “tus”, like the other day we were in the mall shopping and i pointed to a big toy moose
it was like “look there Lexis, that’s a big moose and he’s gonna eat yo”
Alexis at first looked a bit frightened then confused then got excited hitting the window and saying moose, then came the word bad (that she pronounces really well)
she hit the window too much till her little hand felt the pain at last, showing me her finger she said “tus”
i was like *~* all i could do was kissing her little fingers to heal the pain (it works very well for little kids) and started pointing at something else.

you know she’s great but well sometimes she drives you crazy you wanna either hang her or shoot yourself!
____________________________________________
4. those who have/ had their own kids around Alexis’ age know very well that these creatures are so awesome that you can write a thick book about what they do and say but nor me neither her mom have such time to write everything; and many times the incident sounds more annoying than funny.
if only this little creature had a manual life looked much better.
so wish me luck and stay sane!

there are many times i feel like slaves, but they were happier, they knew what they were.

sometimes life gives us lessons that we can’t see at that time but we could live better if we were aware of ’em.

and how much i wanna sit down and write but i have to go to work

it’s sunny outside and warm, so let’s have Alaska news

Alaska pilot lands on Oregon highway
BAKER CITY, Ore. – Poor weather forced a Ketchikan pilot to land on an Oregon highway in his seaplane, Oregon State Police said.

*********

The sunset provides a warm backdrop as the 2007 Anchorage Fur Rendezvous kicks off with traditional fireworks, Feb. 23, 2007, in a view seen from Arctic Valley Road. The show was sponsored by AT&T Alascom.

huh, why i cant put the pic here???!! never mind it was just another Alaskan sunset.

love me more.

and i think i write better when depressed, don’t you think so?

*. i read my previous post and shit it had lotta mistakes, i must read my own crap at least once before publishing! but well i enjoyed that post cos i could see myself walking infronna my eyes hihihi

yesterday wasn’t simply my day and it seems today is no better.
i dunno it’s cos of the dull weather or meeting my teacher and recalling things i didn’t like or another bipolar depression or it’s only because of the bad news i received.
i avoided everyone as much as i could, i avoided trees, cars, sun, snow, ice, Alexis’ little smiles, an old excited teacher, Meg’s sweet words, lunch, dinner , breakfast but i couldn’t avoid myself. it just didn’t let me go and his bitter smiles, his disgusting tone, his bad habits, …make me sick, make feel sick to death, make me think that i’m one of those shitty creepy worthless creatures that must be tied to an electric chair right away.
i don’t look at myself in the mirror cos he’s ugly, he’s dirty, he’s disgusting, he’s sick.
he’s hurting me so bad that i have no idea how i can get rid of him. should call 911, should i find an assassin ? does it worth the trouble?
i spent most of yesterday outside cos i knew my bitter tongue would says things that the ending would be annoying arguments.
i put the most indifferent mask i have on, i try to look nice, clean, smelling good, smiling at any asshole crossing the street.
on my organizer i found a little note about my old teacher and we were supposed to meet her in the same restaurant we met the first time; i took a look at the jar on the vanity, it was almost empty, just 20 bucks and a few coins and that wasn’t enough for a night out.
i went straight to the kitchen and asked Meg if she mind cooking lunch for my teacher as well.
she gave me one of those meaningless grins and i interpreted it as a yes, so i called Ms. X and asked her to have lunch with us.
the place looked clean cos me and Meg cleaned it early morning and Alexis was still in bed so there was no toy on the floor.
i made a bee line for the door, there wasn’t anything in the house that must be done by me.
“where ya goin?” Meg asked as i opened the door.
me:”to hell”
Meg:”then stay there forever”
me:” i’m gonna try but you know they won’t keep me there for long”
i spent the next two hours walking up and down the streets, all i wanted was a cup of coffee to drown myself in it.
i was thinking of that terrible phone call.
-:” so what was the result?”
?:”positive”
-:what?”
the positive word was repeating in my head so loud i was sure it’s gonna explode.
and how much i wished that positive thing was something really positive.
his tone frightened me, he was so young, so lively so cool and now i was looking at him drowning in the most positive hell and i was there and watching him and doing nothing than saying :” i’m sorry bud, you’re gonna be fine, it’s not that bad!”
and to whom i am lying, it is that bad!
all day i thought about what a friend told me a few days ago
“the true story is that you “want” to sell yourself.you are hurting your soul.”

the images kept on coming and going, moving fast, then slow, then fast, words echoing in my head. “you’re a bastard keith” that’s what Meg told me once.

i drove all the way to Ms. X place, picked her up and tried to tell her as many jokes as i could remember, she was happy, i was drowning gradually.
the lunch was great, everything Meg makes if not burnt by me tastes yummy.

it was going to be a good afternoon, recalling old happy childhood, Ms. X told Meg what a naughty boy i was. “i think he climbed all the trees round his school, didn’t you keith?”
i was trying to find Alexis teddy bear behind the sofa. “i guess i tried most of them”

Meg looked astonished.
Ms. X reviewed more of her past or let’s say our past, she talked about my letters with so many mistakes and meaningless unfinished sentences, she always sent me my corrected mail.

then again age 16, bodies, shouts, cries, sirens, uurrghh i’m sick of recalling that night & she wanted to know how they died. “is it really that important?” i wondered.
i tried my best not to drop a tear and the day looked shitty again.
i summarized my last 10 years into a few long sentences and then disappeared with Alexis to play hide & sick. i felt sick so sick. i looked at those Prozac pills in the closet, then some sleeping pills, then Alexis, then the extra dosage of lithium. i wanted to puke myself, he was bothering me again.
i was singing :”mary had a little fucking lamb” and Alexis repeated in her crazy way.
“why should i care about Mary’s lamb?”

“Keith” Meg called me after a while, it was time for coffee, my worst addiction.
you must be insane to drink coffee when you have sleeping problems.
I went to kitchen to pour myself some coffee.
Meg & Ms. X were talking about something i could hardly hear, it was more like whispers.
then they talked louder.
meg:” i dunno, sometimes it annoys me, you know he’s Bi”
Ms. X. “oh” then she sighed and added ” he used to be a good boy, he was just…..”
i shouted:” who ya talkin about?”
Meg stared at me, sniffed then said:” you”
“i’m not Bi”
Meg put her finger on her nose and made a voiceless shush.
Ms X looked up, she was crying, i brought her a box of tissues, she put her hand on mine, it was so warm or mine is so cold or as Meg says i’m a walking body always cold.
Ms. X. whispered:” why keith? why you? you were so good, so kind, so…….”
i interrupted her:” why me what?” and i knew what she was talking about.
i went on:” what’s wrong with loving another man?”
“but you’re married keith” she replied
“so?”
she didn’t say anything, she just looked in my eyes and her looks were deep, heavy, unbearable.
i looked elsewhere. the atmosphere was so tense, i looked at Meg asking for her help.
” do you want milk with your coffee?” at last Meg asked.
” no thanks”
she drank her coffee, we exchanged looks for a while and then she said she had to go.
“i’m gonna take you home” taking my parka.
“no i can go on my own” she was avoiding me obviously.
Meg went to the bedroom to change her clothes and i put on some clothes on Alexis.
Ms. X was standing by the door, i unlocked the car and seated Alexis on the back seat, she was singing happily cos she likes going out, i handed Meg my keys and opened the front door for Ms. X. Meg started the engine. “i wanna visit one of my friends” she said.
“ok, are you coming back for the dinner?” i asked
” i think so, i ‘m gonna call.”she answered.
i turned to Ms. X ” thanks for coming, visit us more”
she just said ” thanks, bye”
i shut the door then waved them goodbye, then i went inside our house turned off the lights, closed the door and headed for some nearby mall, i needed people, i needed noise, i needed to feel life was still going on.
i called that friend on my way and it took really long before he answered that worried me.
-:” hey, how ya? still alive?
?:”yes, thanks, so how was your little party?”
-:” good, you should have come!” -you lying bitch, you don’t wanna see him again- i thought.
?:” i have a headache”
-:”take some aspirin then”
?:”ok, i will, where are you now, i called your home and no one picked”
-:”oh yeah, i’m out”
?:” can you come visit me?”
-:”eerrr i’d love to but i’m a bit busy right now” {i was trying to avoid him as much as possible and he sensed it}
?:” ok then, have a good time”
-:” do you need anything?”
?:”just hugs”
-:”hihihi, that’s cool, bye, stay sic”
he hung up without saying good-bye, it was so wrong of me to say ‘stay sick’
walking in the cold icy sidewalks of here always make me feel like embracing death, “dead of cold” may be that’s another way of committing suicide.
i spent the rest of the day thinking about the word “positive”
it looked so disgusting to me. i could give him the hug he needed, it was just a hug and nobody gets AIDS by hugging a fully dressed man.
i’m sick of myself, i’m sick of this world, he’s too young, he could have a good life but now all he has is a dark future.
i thought of Ms. X’s tears, Meg said she felt so sorry for me, actually she wanted to call and advise me to change myself but Meg told me it wasn’t the right time cos one of my friends had an accident and i’m not in good moods.
wish he had an accident but life goes on, he’s still too young so he can build himself a different future, he can keep strong!
*****************
and i hate the word “positive”
it could be me, it could be me, couldn’t it?
this hollow is so shallow, this hole is sick, this place is so dark, this man is bleeding
and that fucking positive result could be mine.
why everyone in this room is naked?!

a while ago i could say what was the wrongest thing i ever done in my life but now i’m not sure anymore
i know having sex with my own cousin was so wrong, i know quitting university before getting my master’s was so wrong, i know drinking alcohol was so wrong, i know doing drugs was so wrong (may be even toking that bad habit of mine that cant get rid of it really is wrong too!)
may be marrying meg was the wrongest. i knew i was gay from day one but i tried to deny it(just like having bipolar disorder). i know im a worthless exhibitionist cos im half naked standing infronna the window most of the year and more than that i enjoy stripping for strangers , i know i love baby alexis (this is a fatherly feeling). i know i had a few boy friends that turned my life into a real hell (but every one may meet & love wrong people), i know i hate gang bangs (cos i hate crowded places-more than 3-). i know though 3 & 4 somes were my fantasies once, in reality it was utter shit and pain.
i know i sometimes enjoy being a whore and yet there are many things i don’t know but there’s this fact : i cant be a wonderful gay daddy and i cant stay gay and have Meg as well.
may be this makes some people who care happy, me and J broke up or as he says ” i dumped him”. i dont wanna blame him on anything, it was all my fault, he was a nice guy but i shouldn’t let him in this much, may be we were sharing love and passion we weren’t suppose to share intimate things like family, wife, baby.
it was my own stupidity or his eagerness to have a share in everything. as far as i know Meg never let him get too close to her, an arm round the waist was ok but more than that she always got up and went to another room to do the things she prenteded that must be done instantly.
i think she wasn’t much interested in our moans and groans and it wasn’t a turn-on to watch another guy fucking the legs off her husband. yes i should have known all these but men are not that understanding until you give them clear clues or tell them what you really think.
i really hated myself when i told Meg about breaking up with J and she embraced me so tight bursting into tears and sobbing hard, i felt sorry for her.  i told myself “look bitch, what have you done to her!”
i’m so used to analyzing my own feelings to find out how real they are, may be it’s a bipolar habit of mine but i cant analyze my love to Meg, i have NFI about it, may be it’s because she wasn’t my girl-friend in the first place, may be it’s still that brotherly-sisterly promise we made long time ago that keep us together or may be it’s because of Alexis.i dunno and i don’t care to know any more.

but for me being gay now sounds like a choice and not something natural. there must be a reason it same sex affairs are forbidden in many religions and cultures.

i’m not sure what i really wanna do from now on. obviously i have that feeling and chemistry for guys that cant be ignored.

i even tried to find some hot girls for a fuck to confirm being straight or at least bi but they make me sick to death.

so i’ve decided not to force myself or Meg into choosing something hurriedly, i wanna think and i don’t wanna deny i still feel so dammed gay but let’s spend a while with my wife than dating guys and see what’s gonna happen next!

Getting up too early the other day, I drove the 30miles road to the office on a cold dark morning so I could get to work earlier and finish my tasks sooner than usual to have a dinner out with my loved ones on the bleeding heart’s day!
**********
to inform those lovely friends wondering why they received no reply from a net addict like me, i have a few excuses to make:
1. i’ve lost my dentures,ooppps that was Sandra’s excuse!
2.we were packing and moving and those who know me a little better and longer are aware of the fact that how much i love moving (i was born GYPSY!) and this new place though doesn’t belong to us is much better and bigger than J’s place and yes it’s for free cos i work for that fucking company but i really have no idea why it is too far from my working place that i have to go outta home before 6am to be on time.
3. in the last 2 weeks I’ve experienced a new Me, dammed he’s hell responsible, quiet and rarely protests. i dunno how he got in or who let him in but i have to bear him for a while (till the end of my contract) if it was up to me I’ve quit this job the very first week cos I’m working like a donkey and they’re paying as much or sometimes less than other places with shorter working hours, yes he must be sick to stay but he says he has a family to support and he cant leave right away when he has no other place to go cos he has to pay the loans, so let him rule for a while but i swear I’m gonna get my territory back ASAP!
4.I’m trying to (read have) quit my addiction to internet so with all the “no cell phone in, no checking mails…..” policy and long working hours i don’t check my mails daily, let alone other things!
5.And about the valentine. … Me, wife, baby girl and the boy friend had burnt some gray cells of ours and planned a memorable romantic dinner out for the 4 of us. Being so proud of ourselves, we promised to be in that fcuking restaurant at 7.30 pm.
So i put on my tightest jeans* , a reddish orange short and fit sweater, tied my hair in ponytail, put a little dark make-up** & drove to work singing with anyone in my player.
there was a lot to do and it looked like a very busy day but with the help of tones of coffee and piles of chocolates i managed to finish everything before 10 and felt proud of myself but it seems happy moments are meant to last as short as possible.
outta nowhere came this asshole called inspector and the only thing i could think of was cleansing my face, to the men’s room & back & he was in our section.
i tried to ignore his existence and mind my own business but as gay as he was or may be he had a gay-meter he had a crush on my shoes and asked me to show him round the place, not only i looked puzzled and the rest where shocked, i told him it wasn’t my job to do so and i was pretty new to the place myself, i bet he was deaf too.
so Me & the MD showed him everywhere in the whole building and he didn’t let me go earlier than 4pm when he felt exhausted and decided it was time to go meet his shitty sweat-heart!
Should i mention when i got back to my desk i had tones of things to do and my lovely cow-orkers didn’t mind putting their own tasks on my desk and leaving early!
So i called Meg to tell her it was unpossible to have a romantic time out and i couldn’t be home sooner than 11 so she said she’s gonna stay on the night shift cos they were short of staff & I’d better pick Alexis up on the way home so she could sleep on her own bed.
And for J it took Meg a while to find him cos he’s been missing from home since Monday evening meeting so many lonely johns who were dying to pay for a temporary lover (read fucker) on the bleeding heart’s day.
So i had this wonderful Valentine’s working till 10 pm, and spending the night with my lovely asleep daughter who can pronounce almost every one-syllable word with the help of J!
My wife spent her night with some sick people in the hospital and the boyfriend escorted as much as he could.
I didn’t meet any of them earlier than Thursday night; Meg complaining about what a bad and naughty girl Alexis had been since she woke up and J was so sore and exhausted he was sure he wouldn’t meet any john for 2 weeks ( So did I if i earned 9.5K bucks in less than 2.5 days!)
conclusion: Fuck Saint Valentine or any other motherfucker who put this day on the calender! & I’m sure next year I’m gonna take a day off and count the people crossing the road!
hope you had a better time than moi!

It took me long before i could make my mind and find enough courage to reveal what were bugging me to death.
so I asked Meg to make her decision and not to force herself doing things she didn’t want by heart just for the sake of me or the baby!
I gave her these options to choose:

1. go back to where we used to live and do as she used to do with Alexis
2.file for divorce
3. meet random guys
4.date whoever she thinks hot
5.bring a girlfriend home
6.start a new life with her Mr. right and leave Alexis with me if he doesn’t want her
7. fuck my boyfriend if she feels like it
actually I texted my suggestions exactly like that(the same humor the same crap!)and i got what i deserved when she texted me back (this is the rephrased version!)
1. i like big cities as much as you do so I’m staying here
2. it’s a waste of time, money and energy
3. I’m not a slut!
4. it’s too dull to date new guys
5. bitch, I’m straight as a ruler
6. if a guy doesn’t want my baby then he cant be Mr. right
7. no way,I’m not interested in 3-some
8.stop thinking too much, i still remember my vows then you’d better remember the shopping list!
so obviously I’m fucking gay and even being a committed husband cant stop this love at first fright.
I’ve warned her and told her by the end of the journey I’ve started , there’d be the possibility of meeting a different guy but she still wanna stay. so may be we’re not perfect lovers but she’s my perfect soul mate and my soul is still crazy in love with her though my body doesn’t want her anymore.
now I’m sure I’m not forcing her to stay and she’s doing it by her own will.
so let’s fasten the seat belts and light this rocket.
baby i love you in the gayest way!

The other day me, Meg and J were discussing random things when Meg mentioned the article she read in the Time magazine (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1584786,00.html) and then 3 of us, being the experts of our own kind, started giving ideas.
And i hate J for making fun of my fears about the baby girl, he can’t understand cos he doesn’t have his own kid and no matter how much he loves Alexis and the other way round and how close we are and doubtlessly how much I love him myself, Alexis is my girl and not his so at most he tries hard every day to teach Alexis new words and as a result she’s hell confused and gave up the idea of talking utterly but still says “no” when necessary.
back to my fear, one of my nightmares is some shithole rape my beloved girl one day and then she cant deal with the feelings and the rest, surely I won’t let that dick-head live one more day as soon as i know his name and i don’t let the jury decide instead of me cos lawyers can influence them easily.(aggressive, huh?!)
Yeah it’s a nightmare and as J mentions almost always, Alexis is jus 1.5 years old and i have a lot more to worry about than the rape and assault but well i can’t help myself so you can blame it on my sick bipolar mind!
But what do you call rape?
Rape (verb): to force somebody to have sex with you when they do not want to by threatening them or using violence

So does it mean you need a gang of masked guys with handcuffs and guns and a shouting crying kidnapped girl to call it rape?
If a woman consents to having sex with a man but then during intercourse says no, and the man continues, is it rape?

And according to that article it depends on where you live. The law in Maryland & North Carolina regards rape as “when a woman says yes, she can’t take it back once sex has begun–or, at least, she can’t call the act rape.”
Mel Feit, executive director of the National Center for Men, a male-advocacy group based in Old Bethpage, N.Y., says “At a certain point during arousal, we don’t have complete control over our ability to stop,” he says. “To equate that with brutal, violent rape weakens the whole concept of rape.” His group has created a “consensual sex contract” to be signed before intercourse.

i don’t deny that there are times the other head decides what to do next but surely i can stop the whole thing using the head with the brain in it. i guess we’re not animals yet, are we?

and it’s ridiculous to sign a contract before sex, just think of the whole procedure that i have to copy the contract umpteenth times and put ’em by the side of the bed, then every time turn the lights on look for a pen and make my wife sign it. And may be we should put a time limit there, she can protest in the first 2 minutes then I can’t stop anything so she better bears with that.
So I must be a real animal then!

I have this understandable rule of thumb, when she (he) says no, it’s a “NO” I shouldn’t try or I have to stop right there and I don’t think it’s to hard to stick with so I expect others to treat me the same way.

To my surprise (not really) Jeff mentioned something that sounded true. Even people in his trade can be raped.
Surely they fuck for the money but if a john do something against they will or as they say “get really fucked” that can be rape! So even prostitutes can be raped, better remember this before contacting the next escort 😉

And it’s a big pleasure to live here, I love Alaska and I love this city or as they say I love the big wild life!
*. The big wild life is the new logo for Anchorage so you better stop laughing at me, d’ah!

i have a lot to say and again my mind is switching between thoughts so fast i can hardly see the point.
1.it’s so funny when you have plenty of spectacular scenery round the corner and you still say i hate the place, so i moved my lazy ass and took a not-artistic picture from where i live, those icicles are beautiful, ain’t they? (and it’s a small place to live, i had to stretch the picture to fit the header, that’s it!)
2. i like checking the “blog stats” button and read the search engine terms, some of them are stupid the others funny, for instance:
you feel guilty when you are silent (not really!)
Alaskans close bathroom window (don’t say anything, i’m trying to figure this out myself!)
whale blubber ice cream (never ate and if it exists, i don’t wanna try it!)
open your mouth i wanna pee in it (this is fcuking rude!)
MEN ARE HAPPIER LIST (did i say mer are happier? from what point of view?)
rude boy keith (yes i know i’m a bit rude but you don’t have to search it, just knock on the door and we can have a little chat!)
heterosexual cannibalism (is the sexuality of cannibals important?)
i want to cry my marriage is hell my in laws (omg, he couldn’t finish his sentence, probably his in-laws killed him but well i love my in-laws so you’re in the wrong place!)
man alaska made ice candle holders (no idea!)
3.me and J went to meet one of his regular johns (does this mean i met my first john?!)
to be honest, i felt a bit bored but it was much better than sitting all alone at home and doing nothing.
don’t get me wrong, this particular john is so special. SHE is in her sixties so i can claim she’s old enough to be my grand ma, she’s sweet, lovely, lonely and loaded and she wants some one’s company than doing anything so it was a fun time
4.this friday the temperature was 48F that meant it was a real hell and hotter than Texas, most of the snow melt and it wasn’t mush but rivers in the streets, thanks heaven it’s cold again, it’s round 20 at the moment
5. Oh, Super bowl, hhhmm i better not to say anything!

first of all i gotta thanks all those bitchy curious guys who look for Alasqa-related words and end here. i guess I’ve disappointed hundreds of people by now 🙂
as long as it’s winter in almost every part of US of A even Texas LOL, if you really wanna know what homeless guys do, you better put on all your warm clothes and take a walk round the streets to find the answer!
But to be honest, things are more complicated and a lot worse.
i can spend a whole night out when the temperature’s between 10-30 but below that, i have no fucking idea!
Since we moved here we always had this very warm cozy place (except the few nights i was struggling with the central heating ) so it’s pretty hard for me to imagine the hardness of staying out all night, let alone people who doesn’t live here and have NFI how it is like to have ice & snow 7/24 for most of the year. Honestly this is an unforgiving cruel harsh environment for the homeless, so if you’re a homeless i highly recommend warmer places like Hawaii or Australia at this time of year.
It’s not unusual for someone to be found dead every morning you make the distance to work and specially in large cities. Obviously for some reason they didn’t make it to a homeless shelter or passed out from the drugs or booze and froze, that old story.(another reason that you must stay sober in Alaska!) Surely There are a few homeless shelters in some cities but the truth is there isn’t enough room. So each person is limited to a certain number of days per month in each shelter so they roam from shelter to shelter and try to stay with someone or find someplace in between to make their nights last the full month. One of the shelters has an inner courtyard and when the temperature is below 0F they let people sleep in there. Also I think the neighborhood vans that roam around checking on the homeless, call the police if they find someone who is passed out or incapable of getting to a shelter and they are hauled to jail for the night (it’s cool, ain’t it? so don’t forget to bring your illegal rifle when you have no where to go! And then there is Beans soup kitchen-they feed all that they can. But, the alcoholism and drug addiction has created a huge population of homeless souls roaming the streets of this city and it is a sad and pitiful situation.I think it’s a lot worse than other cities though we may have less homeless here.
I am truly impressed with the services that are put in place to try to help but well,it’s jus sucha big problem!
Comparing here with Bethel, I never met people walking on the streets all night, like me many of them were regular runners. but here whenever I move my lazy ass going out for an hour run I see more people walking on the streets then there are cars;always, day and night, there are people on the streets.
Though I’m not as racist as my teen years, I still don’t wanna see immigrants. here the homeless can receive free health care if they are lucky enough to be Native. And you i think it’s not fair, homeless is homeless, native or not. If we pay so much attention to being Native or not we better do something for them and let the rest have the health care.

the homeless have their own reasons not to have a place to live in but let’s blame it more on Alcoholism and Drugs. Many of us wasted some of our youth dealing with them, what did we gain? nothing than regrets, I always regret the time i wasted on booze and drugs, i could make use of my brain!
SO
Let’s stay sober and next time we meet a homeless better not to turn our head, they could be our siblings or friends. may be we have lotta financial problems ourselves but surely we can afford a sandwich for a meal, let them have it, may be one day we get better things.

I. i really didn’t want to write this long but as long as it’s been a while my mail-box is empty like hell and i don’t surf the net much cos i get killing headaches using putter more than 1.5 hours, let this post be long!

II. i wanted to write about my first day at work but WTF, it sucked and i’m sure i have to waste lotta energy to tolerate my cow-orkers but well let’s not judge the book by the cover, that was jus a first day.

III. slowly slowly I’m getting used to my new family. to my surprise J is no more a boy friend, i dunno what the hell he is doing in my family but I love him and i have NFI how we lived without him.

VI. this headache is killing me, i better go!