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Category Archives: friendship

i’ve been lagging dynamically, mentally, physically and statically, im so lame!

this pullover he gave mefor my birthday is way too warm, im boiling from

inside.

then i’ve been checking some old blogger friednss and holy shit, i missed

a lot.

what else? i’ve been planning christmas since hhhm tomorrow, i will think

of  it later, ok? AND HAVEN’T DONE THE SHOPPING YET.

i have added a new word to my vocab, sister-in-law, gawd it’s such a …

let’s not say what cos i know he may read here and he will kill me for bitching about his sis, im looking forward to not to meet her cos i prefer gay christmas to anything else, let’s pray her

plane gets a flat tyre.

he had made me a wishlist , i decided to ignore but this act of his had a very bad

impression on the little girl, she wanted to have her own wishlist , thanks hell she forgot but if she got herself one, i will post it  to her silly  &^*%$#W#$^$% mom and her bf will sue me with hate crime 😀

back to the sister-in law, i have made my mind to call her before landing to this unfortunate

bean city and tell her i will be having a gay orgy for christmas, likes it  or not and i know she wont like it. and i don’t care.

whatelse? i want a big christmas surprise, something very romantic but my

beloved partner doesnt have “romantic ideas” so i thought i may higher a

temporary woman lover for the romantic part, but that’s so lame.

again back to the sister-in-law, oh she is not yet the sister in law , yippe!

and i was thinking of joining my granny on the plane and go home, sorta missing relatives i guess but i doubt they ever

missed me . they may like my baby though.

there are hell of things to think about, for now it’s bed time, i wantd to sleep on the sofa cos he’s sick and may wake me up with his coughs but as long as i’m sneezing myself with a runny nose, i think we make a good couple for tonight.

now i go to bed but i’ll be happy with an invitation for christmas, if ever

wanted  a cool couple with a little cute girl you can count on me but i cant promise your place looks thesamewhen we leave (she’s more like a monkey than a human!)

i think it’s bed time and i have to go towork tomorrow, urrggghh

good night

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i feel his fingers running up and down my spine as if counting something, a silent lullaby for my sleepless night, unaware of the world surrounding me, i count my own breath, a replace for the sheep jumping over the fence cos recently they’re tired of jumping over anything and they gave me a warning of over-crowded fields, all will die soon cos of hunger.

thinking about the sheep i missed the seconds his hand moved a good 10 inch lower resting a finger on my butt hole, i stop pretending to be asleep just to avoid him from going any further. now i have his hand in my own, biting his fingertips, and he responds pretty quickly by biting my earlobe. i turn and sleep on my back, staring into his bluish gray eyes. i have something on my mind but im not sure he wants to hear it. sometimes i amuse myself by thinking before talking, it’s his habit not mine. i bite my lower lip to avoid words; trying to guess what his answers can be, he says i look funny when trying to keep my mouth shut. so i try harder and he smiles at me, one of those irresistible smiles i love so much, the next moment we’re kissing really hard, having our very own tongue fight and i never found out why kissing him is so different.
he let me break the kiss to catch my breath but i dont wanna continue anything.
“can we talk seriously now?” i ask him.
“we always talk seriously, don’t we?” he answers with a killing smile on his face.
me:”i’ve been thinking……..”
him:-” don’t think too much, k?”
me:” bitch, listen to me………”
him:” wait a sec, have you taken your pills?”
i close my eyes to think, have i? i dont remember.
me:” i think no.”
he gets outta bed to fetch my pills, i bite my lips very hard seeing him running to the kitchen naked, what if the little girl wakes up. i grab the blanket and run after him to the kitchen, it’s a fair deal, he has the blanket, i have my pills and then another kiss, some nights we’re boringly too romantic and it seems everything is getting worse the more we live together.
“do you think they can fix their relationship?” i ask swallowing all the water in one breath.
he sits on the table with the blanket carefully hiding his body, ” i think they should.”
me:” and what if they dont or cant?”
him:” it’s their life.”
me:” but it we must do something for them, they’re our friends.”
him:” do what? it’s their lives, not ours.”
i fill my glass again, swallowing each sip with as much as hesitation i can waste on those water drops. he strokes my hair a bit, making it messier than its natural way, “don’t think to much” he whispers in my ear.
i stare at him without saying a word, counting my own heartbeats and im not even sure about the words marching in my mind.
“im gonna talk to him seriously, i started it, i should be the one ending it.” i say at last.
he grabs my hand firmly:” you’re doing nothing than keeping your mouth shut, it’s not about you. he didn’t have a crush on you, it’s all lust but if you have a crush on him, it’s another thing to consider. ” he pauses for a few seconds before going on ” you didn’t have a crush on him, did you?”
i ‘m not sure about the answer, i keep on staring at the floor until little tears run down my eyes.
he grabs my hair and pulls it so hard i cant avoid not looking at him, “answer me? what happened between you two?”
i get up and stand infronna him,pressing his wrist as hard as i can to loosen his fingers round my hair.
” Ace, listen, i really have no idea, im so confused, things with him is very different, but i know you’re the only man i love and i wanna live with.clear?”
he puts his arms round my torso and pulls me close giving me a long kiss and we remain in the cuddling position till i hear little squeaking sounds from her bed, telling us she’d be outta her bed any second. he runs to the bedroom and i goes to her room, another bathroom trip for her.
after putting her to bed and kissing her goodnight with a short censored second bedtime story, i go back to my own bed and he’s waiting for me.
“what’s different about him?” he asks casually.
“nothing” i jump under the covers.
“do you wanna try it that way with me?” he insists on continuing our boring conversation.
“no, turn the lights off, i wanna sleep.” i hide my head behind the covers.
getting outta bed, turning the lights off and back, i can feel his hand round my neck, pretending to suffocate me if i dont talk.
“i’m choking, i’ll tell you everything.”
-” ok”
“everything, now sleep.”
-“asshole”
“i know it, thanks, good night.”
and there’s silence everywhere before i break it.
“what about talkingto both of’em tomorrow!!”
-” about what?”
“hhhmm not breaking up.”
-“why should we? it’s their relationship, private, can you understand.”
“ok, night”
after a few minutes, he breaks the silence
-” why do you want to do that?”
“i feel guilty.”
-” it has nothing to do with you, they’re swingers, they’re so used to other guys in their life, try to understand, ok?”
i take a deep breath “i understand but they’re our friends”
-” holy crap, stop being so OC, i really dont need to sleep with jesus”
im cant help myself not to laugh, probably no one wants to sleep with jesus, pretty boring i guess to be advised during the bedtime.
i kiss him on his cheek, ” ok sleep with me and keep your faith son, we’re gonna talk to them tomorrow, ok?”
-“as you like, night jesus”
“night son”
sometimes i have no idea how he tolerates me, i know i cant save myself, let alone the world im living in but i cant stop trying not to save others, probably another wrong sick incomplete gene in my brain.
i’m gonna talk to them anyway, they’re the closest frinds we have here and i still think they’re such a gorgeous couple.

once upon a time, long time ago, “to be, or not to be” was a question, but now things have changed a lot. the “being” is not that important. the being…. makes difference.

so the other day i was chatting with “the other guy”-don’t think wrong, he’s straighter than anything you can think of, so he’s just a friend- and the conversation went on like this:

 me: hug me

that guy: already

me: where?

me: how?

that guy: cant you feel it?

me: no. i think you’re hugging the wrong guy

that guy: what??

that guy: you re fat and pale, right?

me: fuck u! where have you gone?

me: gay-asian bar? 

that guy: oh, shoot! it’s a girl.

me: huh?

me: went to the les? omg

that guy: God im blessed!

(i showed him my picture)

me: this is me

that guy: really?

me: yeah. btw do i really look fat and pale?

that guy: no,   you look weird

me: why?

me: do i have horns and tail and boobs?!

that guy: gayish?

me: i dunno.you tell me

that guy: you feel like choosing a right path, buddy??

me: what path?

that guy: your life

me: hhmm no so sure. but i think it’s fine

me: u dont agree?

that guy: sorry i dont

me: i guessed so

me: is your way right?

that guy: i guessed so

me: lucky then. im not jealous

me: i couldn’t change anything actually

that guy: i dont ask you to

that guy: really?

me: yes really

that guy: you re a loser i know

me: u know i tried

me: i know it

me: no need to be reminded

that guy: never again

me: my pleasure

me: you wanna confirm what?

me: my whole existence is a sin?

that guy: that’s confirmed

that guy: no need to be reminded

that guy: just wonder..

me: wonder what?

that guy: it is stupid that you think you couldn’t change anything and blame god

me: i dont blame him. i never did

me: i just say my creation was the worst thing he could do

that guy: that’s blaming, pal

me: ok. i cant change it. I’m fucked

that guy: now let say, you cant change it and you just follow it

me: ok as you say

that guy: now you wanna affect people around yo?

me: i was born a loser. no i just want to love and be loved

that guy: don’t you think ya have power

me: for what?

that guy: look at your words, man. you have power

that guy: you may have affected many people

me: to be a jerk?

that guy: you happy?

me: i think so

me: you wanna conclude I’m happy with some powers, right?

that guy: maybe, and happy you get some attention with that

me: what a poor creature i am then

me: i’d rather go to bed

me: g’night

And the chat was over but i didn’t go to bed. later we chatted a little more and he claimed i’ll be a threat to my little girl for being gay.

how can i be such? i mean no harm to her. well may be drunk dads say the same but still beat their families but i’m not into alcoholic drinks nor drugs. and i don’t think loving my boyfriend would make me so insane that i try to harm my little girl. that’s way too stupid.

but well there’s this possibility of being hated by her for my sexual orientation. that’s as much as possible when parents kick their kids outta home for the same reason.

i don’t wanna conclude anything and i don’t wanna deny being bisexually gay. and i think even denying it, won’t help me much when me and my wife are screwing one an other and i can’t stop my mind thinking  of him instead of her.

but there’s this fact. i’m a loser in this world and the world of the dead. i can say i tried to change a few things but i’m not giving my boyfriend to a pile of written stuff claiming i will go to hell for being myself and for loving the man of my dreams.

why no guy goes to hell for loving a woman? (3-4 women in other religions!) that’s not a sin but it can make me a real psycho running after my daughter for that reason.

no i’m no fan of that junkie singer, i wanna write about my own boy friend.

but on a second thought i feel i don’t wanna blog about him cos if i complain or backbite then he’s gonna feel offended and if i praise him, then it’s gonna be crap.

so i thought of writing about myself and what can i say? i’m a lucky guy or as Pinocchio said in Shrek “i’m a real boy” except that my wooden nose won’t grow longer if i lie!

sometimes i feel so lonely, i want all the privacy i need to be with him, just with him and no one else, going to the woods, fishing, hunting, camping and the rest of the things guys do but people here are so different. i have this wonderful cover of being a married man who loves his family and it’s no lie cos i will do anything i can to make them feel comfortable as far as my sick mind lets me.

and well he has his own cover, he’s divorced with two kids, though both of them lives with their moms, there’s no reason to accuse him of being gay.

everything seems so ridiculous when i review all those closet-time of my life, struggling with my feelings,fears and tears till at last i gave up and since then i never met that Mr. Right. all of my partners/ boyfriends were real bitches and may be the reason was that they were just like me, a real asshole.

and now at 26, after 6-7 years of looking for that special guy, at last i found him in one of the most retarded parts of the States. i don’t mean that i disgust this place or hate its people, i just don’t feel comfortable. there’s always this fear of being caught by a friend or an acquaintance; it may look hot at first but when you run outta excuses then they will hate you, him and your families.

i’ve spend many nights thinking how it is like when someone tells you that one of your parents is gay. may be it looks fine to many people but i doubt it look that much fine to a little girl.

sometimes when i have little arguments with him, i think to myself “ooofff it’s all over, we’re gonna breakup and never meet again so i can go on my straight life.”

but the next time we meet and exchange a few “i’m sorry…..” words and a little of hugging and kissing; then i think how i can live without him or how i lived all these years on my own.

i think i have to go to a doc and ask him/her to give me some capsules to make me straight!

ok, enough said. it’s time to call him and wake him up. i just enjoy waking him up early mornings , specially at weekends just to give him reasons to “let my heart go!!”

oh my dearest you have no fucking idea how much i missed you all those endless long endless day-like nights, staring at empty pages, or even the blue thing on top of other people’s writing cans all saying to me, sorta even deceiving me to write!

officially i haven’t blogged since 12th of last month, technically i haven’t written any crap for a whole month and by now i’m dammed sure my psychiatrist is so proud of me.

i can’t say it was a good time but it was fine. and i really have no idea to whom i’m talking too. Alllooooo any muthafucka out there?

if you wanna become an expert, you need helluva practice. and i can’t even write a logical thing (let’s pretend i could write some time ago)

so as for the start or kinda end to something review the last 6-8 weeks!

1. broke up with my ex (fucking bastard, it was obvious he wasn’t my kind)

2. changed my psychiatrist and as a result went through all the shit with new meds and dosage!

3. the baby girl turned to be Ms. talkative with lots of crazy questions, just giving me headaches and making me wish i was deaf!

4. i gave up the idea of spending so many nights surfing the net and instead i started to read some books!

5. some fucking bastard stole my laptop and a few other things, just forcing me to choose between a brand new laptop in the next 3 years or a digi-cam for the coming 3-4 months.

6. last not least apparently and to some extent obviously i found my mr. right and Gawd he’s so sexy and lovable. i’m not gonna give any details cos you may kidnap him. all i can say is that he’s so much better than all the guys i’ve dated to date!

what else?

aha, as long as i’m back and i’ve made my mind to keep on blogging and writing crap for a while i thought this blog needed a new look and beside the new theme (that i have it on my other blog and love it so much!) i needed a header so  without further ado, i bring to you the extinct species living in north pole aka me (i know you were dying to see my face!)

i know i look really ugly and remind you of your great great great grand father but i can promise you to have a plastic surgery asap (i’m saving for it, may be you can help me a bit!)

ok, that was enough for today. i’m gonna change the header soon, i’m just looking for something better!

when he doesn’t take his pills, his world looks so crazily crazy.
honestly i haven’t finished my report yet, there’s still a lot left and I’m not sure whether i can finish it tonight or not cos I’m so down and depressed and surely I’m not in the mood of doing anything right now.
I’m glad you’re feeling better and at last you found some time to spare and check here…………………..
you know every word i type takes ages to come to my mind and it takes me a good 5 minute to finish every line. i type a few words, stare at the screen and then ask myself:” then what? is it all you want Keith? are you sure these are the words you wanna say?” then i answer myself with a big NO and another long meaningless stare.
(you have no idea how long it took me to write the lines above!)
i feel weak, my hands are cold as ice, yes it’s nothing unusual. i dunno why my hands are so cold every day and it’s been like this all my life.
I still remember that guy at highschool, I still remember his green eyes and warm big hands and how much i enjoyed sitting by his side and he holding my hands in his so they wouldn’t feel numb anymore. i remember once i told him:” B I really love you, why you keep on ignoring me?” and he didn’t say a word, just smiled and held my hands tighter. I wish i could see him again and this time i wouldn’t hesitate to kiss him.
sometimes I’m not sure how alive i am cos it’s hard to hear my own heart-beat and yes my hands are cold, as cold as the ice outside; then how could i be still alive?!
it must be something very weird to feel ok, so are you ok?
you know i had to finish that fucking report but i didn’t. it was a “must-be-done” obliged by myself cos i have to read tones of articles and there are 2 articles that i have to write it by myself in a week time and i don’t have any idea how to write them cos i have to open piles of books and spend hours searching before i can write the introduction;and next week I’m going back to Anchorage and it’s again another +12 hours working everyday and would i have enough energy to finish anything?! surely not cos I’m not a super hero with significant natural powers.
Keith, don’t drown, for God’s sake, don’t drown!

I’m sick of myself, I’m sick of this world, I’m sick of everything and everyone cos there’s no reason left to go on, i wish i could puke my brain and dig into my rib case to take my warm beating heart out just to take a look at it, just to make sure it’s still beating. and what should i do if it wasn’t beating, it wasn’t warm but a big cold stony thing?!

how much i like to lock this door and stay in my bedroom forever, and do you know how long forever is?! is it too long?
i would have locked the door if i knew where the key was but the key is not in this room; it’s not here so where is it?
yes i know it must be miles away, probably melted to something better, may be a a wire for cutting heads, but who makes wires outta cast iron?! Keith, you know no one do that cos it’s not possible to extrude cast iron that much! you passed that course, didn’t you?

so why i agreed with her that we shouldn’t lock doors in our home?! i dunno, may be she was afraid of the day i do something stupid?! then that’s so stupid cos I’m doing stupid things everyday and why should she bother if i hurt myself? is it really that important?

i spent most of the day reading and thinking; what was the name of that book? i dunno
And who was the writer? i don’t have any clue, but i know it was written in French and all i read was a quite good translation that you had to re-read some parts to understand and you couldn’t skip lines.
and how much i felt like the heroine of that tragedy , was she the heroine then? did she drown herself? if she did then why the writer didn’t say anything? why I’m still sitting in my bedroom on bare floor and leaning against the door so no one can come in!
it must have been a good story that i cried when it finished. and i cant see the point those fucking tears are getting together to make a big drop and run down my face just to give me a feeling of wetness and salt.
hey it’s been years since the time you grew up and you’re still seeking for that thing, for that lost part of your past?! and why don’t you stop it? yes i know you like dreaming about your own nightmares and what’s that big nightmare making you hide behind your blanket and weep sadly? are you really that sad or you like that bitter feeling of being lost in your never-land and cry for help. shout as loud as you can and then shut your mouth cos there’s no voice left for you and you know nobody cares!
you care?! why should you? tell me just a reason and that’s gonna be enough!
because you love me?! that’s stupid cos i cant see the reason to be loved.

no, i wasn’t created to be an angel, i was made to be a fallen creature struggling in his own shit every minute. so where are you hiding now? don’t you really wanna think nasty and talk dirty? where’s your next blog entry? look that guy’s such a turn-on , how dare you stand still and stare at the nothingness infronna your eyes when he’s shaking that sexy ass so wild!?!

how sick i feel, how tired i feel and how much………. no i don’t want this dirty life end cos i cant stand my own shouts and cries and begs when suffering that eternal torture on my sluttish body.
“I didn’t give you this body for your sexual pleasure, you were supposed to worship me, to praise me, to beg me to forgive your stupidity. how dare you committed so many sins in front of my very eyes, you little worthless creature of mine” he’s gonna say this, he’s waiting there to rip my flesh with his divine sword and say this to me.
” so you wanted to be disobedient?! you thought that it was a big ridiculous joke written in those holy books saved there just for you to laugh at in the future and tease your creator!? who you thought you were?! weren’t you another creature i made cos you had to exist on this big planet so i could show my heavenly powers, I’m the mighty one, so kneel and praise me.
you rude creature, how dare you stare at me with your sinful eyes. i didn’t give you those eyes to gaze at whatever bare body you could find; those eyes were given to cry for forgiveness.”

I’m an attention seeker, i do anything to attract attention and i don’t mind what it is: it can be exposing my body to whoever wants or exposing my thoughts to strangers. i offer you my hand for help but actually all i want is pulling you closer to own you. i want you for myself, i want you to pay attention to me and just me!
and how lonely i am cos I’m lost. he’s there watching me, waiting for me to call him and he’s gonna take me outta this shit with his almighty hands.
“call me son”
” no, i don’t like you, i cant see the reason to love that infinite eternity. why you created me? how dare you created such a weak creature that you knew he’d fall and could never climb up to your heavenly doors?! you enjoy watching me suffer from my own sins every now and then that i feel there’s no reason for living but just loving you and then i go, i cry helplessly in front of your powerful eyes and go. go back to my every day life.
“so how’s Alexis doing? want a ride on daddy’s back?!”
or kissing my sweetheart and saying” babe, so what should i buy today?”
or spanking that boy and slipping a tongue in his warm mouth and thinking:” he tastes so good”

how real are they? ain’t they a reflection of my own thoughts?
who am i? what am i doing here? are you sure I’m the one I’m trying to show?

I’m 26, i have a degree in material…………… how do you know?
it’s obvious? yes I’m so fond of metals, I’ve been a fan of heavy metal all my life, huh?! no not that metal? so you want me to talk about forging? or why you cant weld aluminum? or how you can make nano-wires?!
how small a nano-wire is?! i think i have some wires in my closet, lemme bring ’em!

I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m weak, this stomachache is killing me, it’s been days since the first time it bugged me. ” i must be hungry” so i eat, i empty plates but it gets worse. i try to ignore it. then it must be PMS. PMS? are you alright?
yes I’m alright, I’m sure, it’s my PMS!
so when did you last have a period?!
hhhmmm i don’t remember, it must be years ago. yes it’s so long i don’t remember when it was. can you tell me how it is like, may be i have one right now?!

where’s that book*? was it a book or just notes? where have i put it? did i really read it?or may be it was a dream?
momma, i wanna talk to you!, do you know where daddy is? huh?! he’s gone. yeah yeah i know.
what? it’s not polite to use “yeah and huh!” why momma, why it is like this?
huh? i shouldn’t call you momma cos it’s childish?! then what should i call you? is it ok if i call you mom, or what about mommy, i think mummy’s gonna be much better!

why i felt so much like Clarice? yes you were such a good mom. i could kiss and hug you whenever i like but did you ever botheryourself to ask me how i felt?
“mommy i feel sore in my throat”
–“ok, i’m gonna take you to the doctor, i’m gonna make you soups, i’m gonna give you orange juice”
“mommy, i won’t come home before 8, we’regonna have a game with the other team from the other school”
–” ok, but be home before 9″
“momma, you know today i scored 20 points all on my own, you know we win and those guys were so tall i have to pass the ball between their legs”
–“why your clothes are so dirty? put ’em in the washing machine and hey wash your legs before going to bed”
“momma i got A+ in my geometry exam and you know it was so hard, many of the other kids could hardly get a “D”!”
–“good, now wash your hands and come have dinner”
“momma, why you never take a look at my report cards?”
–“cos i know you have good marks!”
“momma, do you know which grade i am in?”
—————–
“momma i need a bike”
” if you get good marks, we’re gonna buy you one”
“momma, ever wondered how i go to school?”
“yes by bus!”
“so why you never take me there?”
“cos you can go yourself”
“momma do you wanna come and see the final game?”
“no, i hate basketball”
“momma we won, take a look at my -fake- medal?”
“put it there and take a shower”
“momma, my friend john told me his mom helps him with his homework, so why don’t you help me?”
“cos you have to do it on your own”
“momma may i sit on your lap?”
“wait, i have to finish cooking”
“momma can i sit on your lap now and you run your fingers through my hair”
“ok”
“why don’t you cut your hair?”
” ok, i’m gonna do it, if you kiss me”
and she kissed me.
“why you never kissed me good night?”
“cos you’re a man now”
“but you never did it when i was a kid”
she turned her head.
“keith, don’t cllimb that tree, you’re gonna hurt yourself”
“no, i won’t, wanna come up?!”
“momma why you never come to school and talk to my teachers”
“for what?!”
“to see how i am doing at school”
” cos there’s no need, i know you’re a good student”
*********
“momma, you gotta come to my school tomorrow”
“why? ask your dad to come”
“no you must come”
after lots of struggles she came.
” you know Mrs…… you have a genius son but ….” they didn’t let me stay.
on the way home. “momma, why are you so silent”
she didn’t answer, surely she was thinking about what i did.
the next day she gave me a box of color pencil. i knew what i had to do, i gave it to the boy sitting next to me; later i threw his pencil box in the garbage can. no i didn’t want his pens, i want my mom to come to my school, she didn’t say a word. did she understand why i did it?!
*********
“momma today i met…..” slamming the door, she doesn’t mind i met someone i love.
“momma you know today me and … went to the lockers and……….” yes she doesn’t care her son is no more virgin.
and did she ever ask me why?!
yes once she found the romantic letters i wrote.
“so tell me what are these?”
“nothing, well they’re not mine, they’re for my friend’s. he gave them to me so……..”
shit why i could never lie to her.
“end it, you’re still a child”
” ok mom. ok, i will”
yes i ended everything, and she didn’t bother herself to ask me whether i loved her or not!
AND YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN I GOT MARRIED, YOU WEREN’T THERE TO SEE YOUR GRAND DAUGHTER AND YOU’RE NOT HERE TO SEE HER TALK!

yes, i’m 26. i’m a grown up man or at least i look like one and i’m still looking for a mom.
that old lady sitting in the park,yeah she’s so perfect to be my mom.

“do you want a son?”
“do you wanna be my mom?”
“i promise to be a good boy , you know there’s something bothering me, there’s something eating me from inside and i don’t wanna tell my wife, ….. yes she understands but……..
thank you
can i sit here?
am i a bad son?
you know i really tried to be better but i cant change myself.
you know last night………
hhhmm actually ………
yoohoo any body there?
you’re gonna mail me, ain’t you?
what?1 you’re busy tonight? ok i can wait- or i have to wait-
am i bothering you?
do you mind if i kiss you?
can you hug me?
i’m not feeling ok.
you know you’re such a good mom, i love you…………

BUT YOU’RE NOT MY MOM AND YOU NEVER WANNA HAVE SUCH A SON BUT WELL YOU’RE SO GOOD THAT YOU DON’T WANNA BREAK MY HEART. OK I TRY TO BE YOUR MOM BUT YOU KNOW……
YES I KNOW, YOU’RE NOT MY MOM, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND THERE’S NO REASON TO CARE ABOUT SOMEONE LIVING MILES AWAY. SOMEONE YOU MAY NEVER SEE!
I APPRECIATE YOUR ATTENTION AND I LOVE YOU AND YOU KNOW IT’S NOT JUST WORDS….
I WISH YOU WERE MY MOM AND THANKS FOR EVERYTHING**

*.I was reading this:” Elle est parite” by ” Catherine Guillebaud”
**. those words asking you to be my mom are so familiar to your eyes, am i right? and you know I’m talking to you and i knew no other way to thank you.
***. i know no one wants a son like me but if you ever wanted a son for free, I’d be happy to have a mom!

to my not very surprise, today Jeff came to my in-laws’ place so he can ask them for some help.
this is the conversation between me & mom (or something like this)
mom: so what’s your problem, keith?
keith: huh? whacha talkin about?
mom: you know what i am talking about, don’t you?
keith: nah, gimme a hint!
mom: com’on keith, don’t pretend you cant understand me. (pointing to the living-room where he’s watching TV)
keith: aha,HIM! no problem.
mom: so why you don’t talk to him?
keith: cos we have talked a lot, nothing left to say.
mom: but he says he can explain, he jus wants a chance.
keith: mom, why ya on his side? he’s said what he could say. what does he wanna add?
mom: give him a chance, for my sake.
me thinking and scratching my curly wavy hair.
keith: ok,only cos you asked me but he can have just a minute.
so i went to the living-room
me: hey
he raises his head and looks at me with a stupid grin on his face.
me: so whadya wanna say?
HIM: hi, come & sit here.
i stand still by the entrance.
me: i don’t have much time.
Him:(looking a bit offended) whad do yo wanna do?
me: Alexis wants her horse to give her a long ride on his back.
Him: and that’s more important to you?
me: playing with my daughter is more important than many things.
Him: I see
me: so?
i keep silent for a while but he doesn’t want to speak so i go on.
me: Look J i’ve told you everything, and i’m gonna buy you a pair of rings if that’s all you want.
Him: keith!
me: yes! what do you wanna tell me? you wanna say you’ve decided to get married and live a very straight life in MY city, right?
Him: for heaven’s sake, slow down.
me: time’s up, i have to go.
Him: fuck you………
i don’t let him finish his sentence.
me: no, i don’t have the time to get fucked, besides i don’t have any condom here and i’m not in the mood and well i’m having my period.
grinning at his puzzled look, i go outside the room looking for my little girl.
me: Alex, Alexis, Lexiiiiiiisssss, where ya? come to daddy!
wiggling her little hands she runs down the stairs.
me shouting: ” holy …….-i bite my lip remembering i shouldn’t curse infronna her- don’t run”
i catch her somewhere in the middle of air and hug her tight. she screams and i let her go.
Putting her hands on the side of her head she says: “Orse”
me kissing her:” ok, horse but that’s a rabbit that has big ears like you” she giggles.

15 minutes later, me lying on the sofa half dead half alive, i wasn’t born a horse!
i can hear Alexis shouting at her mom for not giving her lipstick to her, God she’s an exhibitionist even now!

He comes to the room, touching me on the shoulder, i open my eyes and sit.
me: what?
Him: you played with her, didn’t you?
me: so?
Him: can we talk now?
me: i thought we talked enough that night and you were supposed to leave last morning, weren’t you?
Him: can you shut your fucking mouth up for a second and listen?
putting my forefinger to my noise and said:” shush no f-words, she may hear”
lowering his voice:”ok, i made a mistake but i wanted to know how it was like.”
me almost shouting:” how it was like, how it was like?!, do i look like donkeys? do you see a tail? and you didn’t know how it was like?! you’re trying to say you were virgin? go fuck yer mom……….
mom came to the room: KEITH!
me feeling red with blushes: sorry, i meant nothing
i wait till she goes out of the room
me: so what do you want now?
unzipping my jeans i went on: so you wanna fuck me to see how it is like?
he grabs my jeans before falling.
Him: Keith, for God’s sake, for the sake of the one whom you worship, for the sake of your loved ones
i stare at him, and said: ok for their sake what? don’t ask you to fuck me cos i need something in my ass!?huh?!
him looking else where and murmuring: “bitch”
me: i heard it, yes i’m a bitch, didn’t you know that? then what?
i zip my jeans and make a bee line for the door
him: i’m sorry keith, i’m really sorry
me: if you cry, i may think about it
Meg coming to the room, pretending she didn’t hear anything; “so what’s the problem boys?”
me leaving the room: nothing, it seems HE has found something new.
as i was almost outside the room, i shouted:” hey Meg do you have a good dress for his wedding?”
she smiles at Him and follows me out of the room, ” may be you have to buy me one!”
we let him think on his own, i wave at mom as we open the entrance door to go out for a walk with my arm round her waist.
mom: don’t stay out too long, it’s cold out there and don’t come late for lunch.
me: yes sire!
and i shut the door.
****************
may be you think i should have given the chance. actually i did and now i want him to decide what he wants from his life on his own. yes i love him and i don’t wanna lose him but i can’t tie to my bed!
i’m not sure what i really want to hear from him, well may be i’m a pussy bisexual preferring males to females more and he’s bi too, i knew it but i didn’t expect him dumping me without any warning. my heart is not a crowded street that many people come and go every where, i can’t love many people from the bottom of my heart, i have a limited space there and he has to make his choice!
***> any suggestion to get outta this hell is welcomed 🙂

*. another me & boy friend story!

He rested his hand on my chest and took a deep breath.

 “I feel a bit sore and tired, wanna go on?” he asked. I grabbed his head and pulled him close enough to whisper something in his ears. ” do you wanna come with us or not?”

he licked my cheek gently then said:” surely you have no right to leamme here, on my own.”

I loosened my fingers and let him adjust his body to a better position as I leaned on my elbows and pushed myself to the other end of the bed to have a better view of my lover.

he looked like a naughty boy ready to play with; I took a good long stare at him and admired his muscular body with my fingers running up and down his hand.

” how long you wanna tease?” he asked.

“you know I enjoy exhaustin’ and playin’ with my prey before eatin’ him.” I licked my lips.

he grabbed his very hard cock in his hand and stroked it several times, I leaned forward to touch his beautiful cock too shouting:” no jerk off, that’s mine, all mine”

he smiled wickedly, rising on his knees and pushing me away.

“you wanna tease, ok, you’re gonna be teased till you beg me stop.”

 All I could do was running on my hands and knees trying to get outta bed but he was fast enough to catch me by my foot and pull me back on the bed, I tried to escape but he put all his weight on my body and stuck me to the bed.

he started biting  the back of  my neck, his hands holding my wrist and giving me no chance to move.

I shouted:” J you’re hurting me bitch”

 he loosened his hands a bit so I could change my very unstable position.

“so what should I do with my disobedient lover” he asked.

 “do as you like but move your fucking knee away from my back, you’re breaking it!”

he pushed his knee against my back harder, I tried to throw him to the other side of the bed but he was holding me really firm. “it hurts, yeah?” he asked.

 “I’m gonna fuck you to death as soon as I get outta your hell.” I yelled.

“you’re a bluffer, you can’t do anything at the moment.” he said and pushed me harder against the bed, it was hard to breathe.

” babe, lemme go, I beg you, I’m sorry, damn yo, you’re breaking my bones.” I cried.

“what’s today?”  he asked.

 ” I dunno, it’s another fucking Saturday, J lemme go, please.”  the pain was getting worse.

” and you still remember our bet?”  he was really enjoying himself.

” bitch, yeah, ok do as you like but my dead body won’t do you much for pleasure.” I couldn’t go on tolerating more pain.

 “ok, good boy!” he said this and moved to the other side of the bed. both of us covered in sweat, I turned to the other side so I could look into his eyes.

We stayed still for several minutes before I moved my arms round his waist and pulled him closer.

“you were killing me”  I kissed him on the cheek.

“But you’re still alive.”  embracing each other, I licked his lips.  he tasted good, I like his taste, his tender kisses but  I couldn’t stay like that for long.

I kissed him lustfully, he kissed me back. I put a hand on his ass cheek.

 shivering a little, he said: “shiiittt, your hand’s so cold”

he bent toward the floor to find the blanket.

 we moved under the blanket, I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his shoulder, I could hear his breath, he could hear mine. his fingers caressed my back.

” I love you baby.” I whispered.

“so do I, asshole” he whispered back.

we remained in each others arms for a while, I enjoyed rubbing my body against his. my hands were pretty warm by then and all I wanted was to sleep in his arm, I was so tired to think of anything else.

 But the other head was really  busy and hard. I rubbed my hand against his smooth skin till at last I found his hand  jerking his hard dick slowly, I put my hand on his hand, then held it tight and  brought it to my mouth, licking every finger.

 now my hand was resting on his hard cock. I moved a bit upward so I could see his face. I squeezed his balls a little, then put both hands on his shoulders and turned him to his back  then raised my body a bit, putting my leg on his other side and then he was between my legs. I pressed my chin against his chest, then put my weight on my elbows as I rubbed my dick against his groin, he closed his eyes.

 I began to rub my hard cock against his fully erect cock, he put his hands on my hips and pushed me closer, I pushed back. He let out a loud moan as I kissed his lips.

I increased my pace and he moaned louder as  I rubbed my balls against his and it felt so good.

I buried my face in his pillow as he parted my ass cheeks, I was dying to feel his fingers inside, I wanted him to fill my painful butt hole.

 Out of the blue the door banged open.” whacha you boys doin’ here?”  my wife asked.

J pushed me off his body trying to sit.

“com’on outta bedroom, I wanna change my clothes & I think you were supposed to pack your luggage by now.” she said merrily.

 “When did you come? We didn’t hear you!” I said. me & J were sitting by each other’s side and holding the blanket tight to hide our naked bodies.

Meg came to me and kissed me gently trying to pull the blanket.

“Nooooo” I shouted. “Give us 10 more minutes”

 “& you think that’s gonna be enough for you” she winked at J.

“at least we can try” I replied.

“nope, I give you a minute to get outta bed and go” she turned her back to us as if our only minute was started.

” fuck you, at least go outta the room so we can get dressed” I demanded.

 ” errr, you’ve been very bad boys and you gotta pack right now so you have no time to fuck me” then she stuck her tongue out at me  and made a bee line for the door.

 As she left, I turned to J, touching his cock under the blanket, he was as hard as me. ” do you think we have enough time?” I asked stroking his cock.

Meg knocked on the door:” I’m comiiiinnnnnggggg boys”

 ” No” J shouted, jumping outta  bed, we got dressed as quickly as we could.

 

It’s hard to live in this homophobic society, and it’s gonna be much harder when you’re a gay dad in a straight marriage.

Being grown up in a quite religious family when the masturbation was a big sin, loving someone the same sex would end in eternal hell where no one and nothing could save you.

I’m not anti-religion and I think to some extent humans must believe in something or otherwise they’re dead bodies walking, eating and doing other things without any meaning and a meaningless life, no matter how colorful, is not worth living.

It took me a while to understand my own feelings and a lot longer to decide what my sexuality was. At first I tried to change the attitude towards homosexuality in my family, honestly I didn’t get to any point and not only they didn’t accepted my sexuality, they treated me in a way I forgot about having any relatives and all.

Some of my friends did the same, while some others tried to convince me that homosexuality never existed and it was just an illusion made by my sick brain.

I gave up trying to change others and instead I started living my life as straight as possible, sometimes hanging with bi-guys for a change.

Though you might change your face with a better one using plastic surgery, it’s almost impossible to change your sexuality unless you do something to your genitals.

One of the most important things in my life is my daughter; I try hard to be a good dad no matter what happens. When I met the man of my dreams, I wasn’t really sure how far we could go.

Though quite hurt, my loving wife let me go as far as I wanted and it was too far, I almost got lost. Little by little I learned to handle my gay feelings in a way that neither hurt my boy friend nor my wife because I needed both of them.

As the feelings between me and my boy friend became deeper, I realized our relation was threatening my married life to some extent, “did I really want to get farther?” I wondered.

When the passion was over, it was me, my boyfriend and a family to support.” should I choose between them or like before I had to make a choice?” this was the question always bugging me.

When my in-laws decided to pay us a visit, I was sure I didn’t want my boyfriend around because I needed some time for explaining and making my own excuses. I was afraid of their reaction because feeling retarded wasn’t anything on my menu this time.

Unfortunately things didn’t go on the way I wanted and my in-laws met my boyfriend before I could defend my feelings.

To my surprise they treated me as usual, even better than before. As far as I could love my family unintentionally, there was no problem loving another one the same sex.

I’m thankful to my wife and her family for accepting me the way I am, not the way I pretended.  Surely it may sound more bisexual than homosexual when you try to love both sex but when the love is different, you’re only interested in your own wife and no other woman, but your boy friend can be replaced with some better guys, you certainly are a fag and you have to deal with it.

And I’ve been wondering about so many homophobic people surrounding the gay society.

“Why is it so hard to accept someone else the way they are, not the way you want?”

“What’s wrong with loving someone the same sex?”

“Are they afraid of a big homosexual society with no kids in it?”

“Ain’t this world too populated that a GLBT society won’t be a threat?”

“Why is it so disgusting to have gay couples among your friends?”

“Which one is a bigger sin: throwing your own child outta family for his/ her sexuality or incest sex?”

I hate those jackass people pretending they agree with all those homosexual thoughts but when they find out their teenage boy is seriously in love with another boy, they make him leave his house or change his mind.

Ain’t it too stupid for the same citizen not having the same rights when he/she marries with someone the same sex?

I know it was a lot harder for my in-laws to accept my sexuality but they did; and now I have to fight for my own rights against my aunts and uncles.

A married couple has definite right, what’s the difference between a straight marriage and same-sex marriage?!

I don’t know whether it is religions that make people allergic to homosexuals or they’re perverts who can’t handle their own shit.

I know there is something very wrong in the American society and it’s something that can be fixed. 

Why no one at school tells homosexual teenagers how to handle their feelings and have safe sex with the ones they love? Wouldn’t it be much easier to control AIDS without anti-homosexual education at schools?

I rest my case; weekend’s coming and I have to think of a way to get rid of my boyfriend or I have to do as he says cos I lost the bet.

 

 

Iditarod sled dog race leader Jeff King stands backwards on his sled as he crosses the 90 mile Kaltag portage before arriving in the coastal village of Unalakleet, Mar. 11, 2007.

the last time i checked the news , i got this

rank musher (bib)

A big FUCK!

and me & J started a new week together cos I  found him a job in the place i work, so at lunch times we can escape to the men’s room for some passionate kisses and a few fucks hihihi

apart from the so many good news i received, I found my lil sis’ mail telling me she’s gonna get married soon. it’s been a while we didn’t have much time for each other but i think she’s gonna have no time from now on and i’m really happy for her.

as i manage to slow down my stressful life, there are many things waiting for moderation.

sooner or later we’re going back to our little city with less work and more time for ourselves and friends and here comes the question: Would i ask J to come with us?

i still need some time to ponder and i’m gonna write my decision when it’s final cos i don’t have the energy for arguments and reasoning.

hhmm about the title, it was in my blogstats and i could swear it’s been written by my dad-in-law but well that’s too late for him to search a way to get rid of me 🙂

and do i let a boy with bipolar disorder to be my daughter’s boy friend? nope. it’s not because people with bipolar disorder are terrible, you shouldn’t give the chance to making a baby with that sickness cos the shit is too much to deal with and that’s really selfish of a parent!

time for a joke, this place’s been so creepy the last few days

“A Normal Person”

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor.. “A normal
person would use the bucket because it’s bigger
than the spoon or the teacup?”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window
or close to the door?” (reality sucks, right?)

Sitting all alone on my bed, huddling under the blanket, hearing noises from the living-room and sobbing as quiet as possible; I try to think of reasons.

I’m judge and jury and executioner too and I’m  that usual con. “Guilty,  tie him to that fukcing ‘lectric chair”

“Lump it or like it, I can’t be someone else, at most I can be myself.”

1.How can she smile to such a disgusting man? How can she run happily to such a bastard and call him “dad”?

2.How can she love all those endless arguments? How can she tolerate so many mistakes and lie to herself “He’s gonna change. He’s gonna apologize.”

3. Why he never protested? How could be on my side the many times he knew I was the trouble myself? Why he tries to protect me against my own relatives? Why he wants to be dad instead of dad-in-law?

4. She never hated me but she finds it difficult to love me. She tries to understand me though i could never understand myself. It was so weird to see her kissing me and telling me everything  is gonna be fine!

5. No matter how much i try to avoid him, he wanna be included. I told him we can be partners if he promises not to come to my house and now I dunno what the fuck he is doing here!

********************

Unfortunately i know the answers to my questions: I’m not as bad as I think or as disgusting as the image i try to illustrate.

Alexis loves me cos I’m her dad, may be I’m not the best dad she could have but I love her so much that it neutralize my terrible habits to some extent. She’s too small to pretend she loves me, she’s so innocent to know how to lie. So when she bang on the door non-stop  calling me and pronouncing some crazy weird words that only her mom understands, she has reasons to love her dad!

I love Meg and she loves me, that must be the reason i wear that ring on my left hand. The other reasons are surely private!

Dad-in-law never tried to be my dad cos he knows that my dad was/is/ will be my idol and I won’t replace him with anyone but at least he can love me like his own silly son. So I thank him for being on my side many times.

Mom-in-law and me, me & mom-in-law. Urgh I dunno why both of us try to insist we’re in-laws and we have no other reason to talk to each other. BUT today she was different, she didn’t avoid me, she didn’t want to call me the source of misery. All she said was that everything is gonna be fine.

And the boy friend, i really have NFI what the hell he’s doing in my house right now, specially chatting with my in-laws. I must be a shameless man to let him stay. Well, apparently nobody has any problem with him so why should I!? May be he’s the next candidate for marrying Meg.

And I must get that fucking grip on me-self. I’ve been too much responsible!

I have 3 more weeks to work, I have 2 weeks off and I have to get ready for my first wedding anniversary (yes I remember it! 😉 )  so I have no reason to feel blue.

Conclusion: It’d be better to stop liking a real asshole (that’s gospel truth!). Stop writing so much crap, take a shower, shave and join my family. A dinner out won’t be a bad idea, let’s see who wanna pay the bill!!!

And congrats to all Delta inhabitants, King is in the second place of top mushers! (yeah, Fuck Buser for being and staying the first!)*

*. While others write about NHL,NBA, NASCAR,…. Why shouldn’t I write about Iditarod 2007?!!!

**. I have used capital letters at last!

***. URRGGGHHHH, this boy smells, go take a bath hell boy, Spank, Kick!

****. It’s cloudy and rainy outside and surely every where’s still covered with ice and mush. I wonder how it is like in other parts of the world! Any sign of spring?!

An Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race musher drives his team across the frozen wind-swept tundra on the trail between the Ophir checkpoint and the Iditarod, Alaska, checkpoint, Mar. 8, 2007.

caution: this is a long post and probably i won’t post tomorrow so read this as much as you like and leave the rest for the next day  :-)if i wanna summarize my life this week it would be something like this:

1. spent an hour after work with my boy friend as described in some previous post

2. the next day Meg called me at work telling me i’d better go home a.s.a.p. cos something had happened to Alexis but she didn’t tell me what it was no matter how much i insisted.
my fucking boss didn’t want to let me go cos i still had an incomplete report on my desk. cut the long story short. i had to drive 1.5 hours to get home and nobody answered the phone at home, i dunno how other people feel in these situations but i felt horrible and i thought of all the bad things i could think of. at last i called J and told him go find Meg no matter how hard it was.
he’s such a dear friend, he called me as i took route … saying that there wasn’t anything serious but it’d be better to stop by the hospital.
i was really terrified and felt extremely miserable. i know i have no right to think of horrible things but that’s the way my mind works, it thinks of the worst possible situations. i dunno whether it was me who found J or the other way round, in a flash of light Alexis was in my arms, her little foot & arm wrapped in bandage and daddy looking for somewhere to buy her “yum” (a word for gum made by her)
i really spoiled her or as one of Meg’s colleagues said, she’s so dependent on her dad.
Alexis is doing fine now , she even woke up the next day to say bye to daddy and Meg took a day off to watch our little disaster.
you know Alexis is a real cute, lively, mobile disaster,;her mom was trying to make her some eggs when this lady asked for “loolet” (she’s addicted to chocolates like her dad, fuck her bad dad then!)
you know she repeats one word continuously till you’re really up the wall and wanna shut her mouth up, she looks sweet at first but extremely annoying some times.
so she asked her mom to give her “loolet” and her mom told her she can’t have any cos she had a big bar of chocolate  in the morning.
she cried and shouted and disturbed her mom that outta nowhere the burning fried egg fell on her arm and foot. thanks heaven nothing happened to her face and the burning is not severe.
when i arrived she was crying and Meg looked like a very worried mom so much like this *~* LOL
thanks God nothing serious happened, we’re very lucky parents, ain’t we?

3. the following day: i’m not this kinda lazy irresponsible parent but as far as i am a human, +60 hours works put lotta stress that i can’t tolerate normally, let alone enjoying one of those depressive episodes that i always have trouble digging outta ’em in very happy times of my life. in addition,there’s Miss naughty Alexis and the mess she makes and the fact that i do love my daughter more than my wife and other people in this fucking world!(should i mention i have to worry about my wife too?!)

i added a few more items to worry about cos apparently the stress and tension wasn’t enough for me.

a) the aforementioned friend of mine who has AIDS and i have to call him every so often to make sure he’s doing fine.

b) a teenage co-worker that lives with her old granny two houses away from mine. she’s a good girl, just 18 years old but really sick of her life and i have to show her that she has a lot to do with her life, or there’s no reason to hate her parents though they are such assholes dumping their own child to look for their own pleasure (her life’s a good soap that can bring tears to your eyes easily) & the ridiculous thing is i’m not the appropriate person to advise her cos i’m too suicidal myself 😉

c) J, he’s worrying me to death and as long as i blame myself on his current situation i have to help him. i told him we can be partners and friends if he quit escorting and drinking ( i let him smoke cos i sometimes do it myself so i cant ask him quit something i still do). he accepted my terms beside some other personal requests and then he had lotta  free time doing nothing so i should help him find a job no matter what it was just to keep him busy then he could find a good job later and i did help him find a job in the company i work for.

d) my relatives including my granny and brothers & in-laws. it’s so silly i miss my in-laws badly.

surely i’m not a good shoulder to lean on, and actually this much stress was more than i could tolerate.

So today i made lotta terrible mistakes like: doing wrong tests on wrong samples, confusing ASTM, DIN & EN standards. calling a cold worked sheet with 1.25% lead CK06 then typed 13% carbon in its element analysis and a lot more.

till lunch time i have fought and argued with any living creature in the section i work and i called my boss very bad names (yes i’m not really polite but i never call somebody that way!) and i had piles of reports to be handed before 2 pm, i felt dizzy, confused and the headache was killing me and not to mention other problems i had with my body for several days. it was my worst working day and i was turning it too unbearable for others.

i handed most of the reports and then went for the lunch cos i felt so sick and couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore. i even spent a good fucking 10 minutes in the men’s room puking and i didn’t feel any better.

when i got back to my desk, my boss was waiting for me so i readied myself for a good verbal fight. to my surprise he panted on my shoulder and told me it’d be better to go home and let others finish everything[ this guy didn’t let me go home a bit early last night when i was hell worried for Alexis]

the fact was that J had talked to my boss and gave him 1000 reasons why i felt and acted so bad, even apologizing him on behalf of me.

getting bored? ok read the rest tomorrow, i’m gonna continue cos i have to organize my brain.

me & J went to my fukcing doc, the lovely guy i was supposed to meet last week but i was too busy to waste sometime on myself. at least i’ve taken the blood, lithium… tests last week but i didn’t get the answers, but J did.

What i have done to my body: the feeling of decaying from inside was sorta true cos actually i was taking too much lithium* (a little more than15-20mg per kg of body weight) cos of losing 2 lbs! this wasn’t a serious case of intoxication and i’m doing a bit better.  worse than that some wise guy called me took lotta sleeping pills and pain killers in the past few months for different reasons that i got a positive for being a junkie.

yeah i know i have gone way too far from my limits for no good reason. surely keeping our house is not worth any of these.

so: i’m gonna take tomorrow off to spend a while with my doc thinking of a way to return things to what is called “normal” and i’m gonna have a hard time again!  then i’m going back to work next week no matter what happens and after that i have 2 fucking weeks off to fuck myself and any random guy (not really) then back to my shitty life again.

at the moment i’m enjoying one of those super awake times, so i think i’d better do something or read my “paradise lost” or may be wake J up after midnight and then call my bros and it’s gonna be a long night and i feel so sick, all i want is puke my brain and stomach!

aha, at last i managed to put a musher’s pic here,this is Ramey Smyth’s team arriving at the McGrath checkpoint on the Kuskokwim River on Wednesday morning.

iditarod.jpg

and how much i miss Kuskokwim 😦 , i cant imagine i’ve been living  in this icy hell for almost a year now, time to pee! if you feel bored and can’t sleep or don’t have much to do, i’d be glad receiving some e+mail.**

*. check these on google or other places if you wanna know more about lithium:Carbolith®, Cibalith-S®, Duralith®, Eskalith®, Lithane®, Lithizine®, Lithobid®, Lithonate®, Lithotabs® and Maniprex®

**.i’m not really feeling good.

note about me: been chatting with a few guys and gals and some asked me questions that i think i have to answer:

1. i live in Anchorage, Alaska with my family not my boy friend who i love lots!

2. lithium carbonate is a mood stabilizer  prescribed for people with bipolar disorder (check other posts or simply google it if you don’t know what kinda bitch it is!)

3. as said before, i have a degree in materials science and engineering and my job is nothing secret so i copy paste part of my e-mail to a dear friend of mine telling what i do for the living:i work for a material research center.
we have different sections like polymer, SEM & STEM,XRD, analytical chemistry, chemistry, foundry, quanta-metry , mechanical metallurgy and metallography.
it’s gonna take a day long to tell you what each part do but generally speaking we analyze the elements , grains, crystalline and casting structure, testing mechanical properties…. for metals and some polymers.
i work in the mechanical section, each material specifically metals and alloys have their own standards, we work with ASTM (american standard) most of the times but sometimes we have to try it with DIN (for germany) JSI (japanese) Euro-norm, BS (british) & a few more i cant remember at the moment, aha we use API for gas pipes and some other standards for beams, rods….
in each standard the preparation of samples are explained like the length of gages and airs  in  tensile samples.
we do many tests like impact (charpy & izod), tensile, bending, proof load, nick break, cupping …. to determine several characteristics of materials like U.T.S (ultimate tensile stress) or Y.S.  and see if our samples meet the properties in the standards.
for steels we use a special book called “key to steels” and there’s something quite like that for wrought aluminum, cast irons have their own standards.
there are a lot more we do but i think it’s gonna bore you, i just wanted to give you a brief view of what i exactly do.
that’s for my job and generally about material engineering, surely it’s a lot more than that.
actually in material engineering, experience talks  first then it’s the knowledge and books, so the more experienced you are, the more money you earn. it’s sorta empirical science but i like to learn more in designing molds and simulations. i think that’s what i wanna study later for my master’s.

yesterday wasn’t simply my day and it seems today is no better.
i dunno it’s cos of the dull weather or meeting my teacher and recalling things i didn’t like or another bipolar depression or it’s only because of the bad news i received.
i avoided everyone as much as i could, i avoided trees, cars, sun, snow, ice, Alexis’ little smiles, an old excited teacher, Meg’s sweet words, lunch, dinner , breakfast but i couldn’t avoid myself. it just didn’t let me go and his bitter smiles, his disgusting tone, his bad habits, …make me sick, make feel sick to death, make me think that i’m one of those shitty creepy worthless creatures that must be tied to an electric chair right away.
i don’t look at myself in the mirror cos he’s ugly, he’s dirty, he’s disgusting, he’s sick.
he’s hurting me so bad that i have no idea how i can get rid of him. should call 911, should i find an assassin ? does it worth the trouble?
i spent most of yesterday outside cos i knew my bitter tongue would says things that the ending would be annoying arguments.
i put the most indifferent mask i have on, i try to look nice, clean, smelling good, smiling at any asshole crossing the street.
on my organizer i found a little note about my old teacher and we were supposed to meet her in the same restaurant we met the first time; i took a look at the jar on the vanity, it was almost empty, just 20 bucks and a few coins and that wasn’t enough for a night out.
i went straight to the kitchen and asked Meg if she mind cooking lunch for my teacher as well.
she gave me one of those meaningless grins and i interpreted it as a yes, so i called Ms. X and asked her to have lunch with us.
the place looked clean cos me and Meg cleaned it early morning and Alexis was still in bed so there was no toy on the floor.
i made a bee line for the door, there wasn’t anything in the house that must be done by me.
“where ya goin?” Meg asked as i opened the door.
me:”to hell”
Meg:”then stay there forever”
me:” i’m gonna try but you know they won’t keep me there for long”
i spent the next two hours walking up and down the streets, all i wanted was a cup of coffee to drown myself in it.
i was thinking of that terrible phone call.
-:” so what was the result?”
?:”positive”
-:what?”
the positive word was repeating in my head so loud i was sure it’s gonna explode.
and how much i wished that positive thing was something really positive.
his tone frightened me, he was so young, so lively so cool and now i was looking at him drowning in the most positive hell and i was there and watching him and doing nothing than saying :” i’m sorry bud, you’re gonna be fine, it’s not that bad!”
and to whom i am lying, it is that bad!
all day i thought about what a friend told me a few days ago
“the true story is that you “want” to sell yourself.you are hurting your soul.”

the images kept on coming and going, moving fast, then slow, then fast, words echoing in my head. “you’re a bastard keith” that’s what Meg told me once.

i drove all the way to Ms. X place, picked her up and tried to tell her as many jokes as i could remember, she was happy, i was drowning gradually.
the lunch was great, everything Meg makes if not burnt by me tastes yummy.

it was going to be a good afternoon, recalling old happy childhood, Ms. X told Meg what a naughty boy i was. “i think he climbed all the trees round his school, didn’t you keith?”
i was trying to find Alexis teddy bear behind the sofa. “i guess i tried most of them”

Meg looked astonished.
Ms. X reviewed more of her past or let’s say our past, she talked about my letters with so many mistakes and meaningless unfinished sentences, she always sent me my corrected mail.

then again age 16, bodies, shouts, cries, sirens, uurrghh i’m sick of recalling that night & she wanted to know how they died. “is it really that important?” i wondered.
i tried my best not to drop a tear and the day looked shitty again.
i summarized my last 10 years into a few long sentences and then disappeared with Alexis to play hide & sick. i felt sick so sick. i looked at those Prozac pills in the closet, then some sleeping pills, then Alexis, then the extra dosage of lithium. i wanted to puke myself, he was bothering me again.
i was singing :”mary had a little fucking lamb” and Alexis repeated in her crazy way.
“why should i care about Mary’s lamb?”

“Keith” Meg called me after a while, it was time for coffee, my worst addiction.
you must be insane to drink coffee when you have sleeping problems.
I went to kitchen to pour myself some coffee.
Meg & Ms. X were talking about something i could hardly hear, it was more like whispers.
then they talked louder.
meg:” i dunno, sometimes it annoys me, you know he’s Bi”
Ms. X. “oh” then she sighed and added ” he used to be a good boy, he was just…..”
i shouted:” who ya talkin about?”
Meg stared at me, sniffed then said:” you”
“i’m not Bi”
Meg put her finger on her nose and made a voiceless shush.
Ms X looked up, she was crying, i brought her a box of tissues, she put her hand on mine, it was so warm or mine is so cold or as Meg says i’m a walking body always cold.
Ms. X. whispered:” why keith? why you? you were so good, so kind, so…….”
i interrupted her:” why me what?” and i knew what she was talking about.
i went on:” what’s wrong with loving another man?”
“but you’re married keith” she replied
“so?”
she didn’t say anything, she just looked in my eyes and her looks were deep, heavy, unbearable.
i looked elsewhere. the atmosphere was so tense, i looked at Meg asking for her help.
” do you want milk with your coffee?” at last Meg asked.
” no thanks”
she drank her coffee, we exchanged looks for a while and then she said she had to go.
“i’m gonna take you home” taking my parka.
“no i can go on my own” she was avoiding me obviously.
Meg went to the bedroom to change her clothes and i put on some clothes on Alexis.
Ms. X was standing by the door, i unlocked the car and seated Alexis on the back seat, she was singing happily cos she likes going out, i handed Meg my keys and opened the front door for Ms. X. Meg started the engine. “i wanna visit one of my friends” she said.
“ok, are you coming back for the dinner?” i asked
” i think so, i ‘m gonna call.”she answered.
i turned to Ms. X ” thanks for coming, visit us more”
she just said ” thanks, bye”
i shut the door then waved them goodbye, then i went inside our house turned off the lights, closed the door and headed for some nearby mall, i needed people, i needed noise, i needed to feel life was still going on.
i called that friend on my way and it took really long before he answered that worried me.
-:” hey, how ya? still alive?
?:”yes, thanks, so how was your little party?”
-:” good, you should have come!” -you lying bitch, you don’t wanna see him again- i thought.
?:” i have a headache”
-:”take some aspirin then”
?:”ok, i will, where are you now, i called your home and no one picked”
-:”oh yeah, i’m out”
?:” can you come visit me?”
-:”eerrr i’d love to but i’m a bit busy right now” {i was trying to avoid him as much as possible and he sensed it}
?:” ok then, have a good time”
-:” do you need anything?”
?:”just hugs”
-:”hihihi, that’s cool, bye, stay sic”
he hung up without saying good-bye, it was so wrong of me to say ‘stay sick’
walking in the cold icy sidewalks of here always make me feel like embracing death, “dead of cold” may be that’s another way of committing suicide.
i spent the rest of the day thinking about the word “positive”
it looked so disgusting to me. i could give him the hug he needed, it was just a hug and nobody gets AIDS by hugging a fully dressed man.
i’m sick of myself, i’m sick of this world, he’s too young, he could have a good life but now all he has is a dark future.
i thought of Ms. X’s tears, Meg said she felt so sorry for me, actually she wanted to call and advise me to change myself but Meg told me it wasn’t the right time cos one of my friends had an accident and i’m not in good moods.
wish he had an accident but life goes on, he’s still too young so he can build himself a different future, he can keep strong!
*****************
and i hate the word “positive”
it could be me, it could be me, couldn’t it?
this hollow is so shallow, this hole is sick, this place is so dark, this man is bleeding
and that fucking positive result could be mine.
why everyone in this room is naked?!

a while ago i could say what was the wrongest thing i ever done in my life but now i’m not sure anymore
i know having sex with my own cousin was so wrong, i know quitting university before getting my master’s was so wrong, i know drinking alcohol was so wrong, i know doing drugs was so wrong (may be even toking that bad habit of mine that cant get rid of it really is wrong too!)
may be marrying meg was the wrongest. i knew i was gay from day one but i tried to deny it(just like having bipolar disorder). i know im a worthless exhibitionist cos im half naked standing infronna the window most of the year and more than that i enjoy stripping for strangers , i know i love baby alexis (this is a fatherly feeling). i know i had a few boy friends that turned my life into a real hell (but every one may meet & love wrong people), i know i hate gang bangs (cos i hate crowded places-more than 3-). i know though 3 & 4 somes were my fantasies once, in reality it was utter shit and pain.
i know i sometimes enjoy being a whore and yet there are many things i don’t know but there’s this fact : i cant be a wonderful gay daddy and i cant stay gay and have Meg as well.
may be this makes some people who care happy, me and J broke up or as he says ” i dumped him”. i dont wanna blame him on anything, it was all my fault, he was a nice guy but i shouldn’t let him in this much, may be we were sharing love and passion we weren’t suppose to share intimate things like family, wife, baby.
it was my own stupidity or his eagerness to have a share in everything. as far as i know Meg never let him get too close to her, an arm round the waist was ok but more than that she always got up and went to another room to do the things she prenteded that must be done instantly.
i think she wasn’t much interested in our moans and groans and it wasn’t a turn-on to watch another guy fucking the legs off her husband. yes i should have known all these but men are not that understanding until you give them clear clues or tell them what you really think.
i really hated myself when i told Meg about breaking up with J and she embraced me so tight bursting into tears and sobbing hard, i felt sorry for her.  i told myself “look bitch, what have you done to her!”
i’m so used to analyzing my own feelings to find out how real they are, may be it’s a bipolar habit of mine but i cant analyze my love to Meg, i have NFI about it, may be it’s because she wasn’t my girl-friend in the first place, may be it’s still that brotherly-sisterly promise we made long time ago that keep us together or may be it’s because of Alexis.i dunno and i don’t care to know any more.

but for me being gay now sounds like a choice and not something natural. there must be a reason it same sex affairs are forbidden in many religions and cultures.

i’m not sure what i really wanna do from now on. obviously i have that feeling and chemistry for guys that cant be ignored.

i even tried to find some hot girls for a fuck to confirm being straight or at least bi but they make me sick to death.

so i’ve decided not to force myself or Meg into choosing something hurriedly, i wanna think and i don’t wanna deny i still feel so dammed gay but let’s spend a while with my wife than dating guys and see what’s gonna happen next!

so the other day, i mean last night, as usual we had our gathering in a little restaurant not far from where we live.
i have to mention it’s been snowing ice and shit (something like cats and dogs!) for a while and as a result of my worst nightmare, i never drive in snowy nights (the reason is obvious, take a few seconds to think of it!) so we let J do the driving and parking & living in Ak, the biggest state of US of A, there ain’t much difference in finding a parking lot unless you have a “disabled” number and I’m not a proved disabled or they don’t count bi polars as mentally disabled guys!
we went in (we: me, Meg & Alexis) & waited but after 10 minutes there was no sign of my fella, J. so we thought he might be killed in action.
after waiting a few more minutes, i decided to live the warm comfy place and look for my missing body, hoping to hear his death report soon probably killed by some hungry bears.
and there came my baby koala, so me and Alexis went outside standing in the snow and singing “Mary had a little fucking lamb” cos she loves that song and walking here and there to avoid being frozen.
alas, there was no sign of J and i was pretty sure that my homosexual nightmares were over and i could get back to my not very straight life, so i hugged Alexis, ran a few yards away from the door to make sure he was dead, then back to the restaurant to ask Meg call him or call 911 when i heard someone calling my name.
as long as it was only me & Alexis on the street, the voice was surely calling me, so i pressed my brake pedal and turned around looking for the source of noise.
i was sorta petrified cos i couldn’t believe my own eyes, fuck my photographic memory, i can hardly remember names and numbers but faces and events stick in my mind for years (& nope it’s not good cos there are many things i wish i could forget but they run infronna my eyes in the undesirable moments)
She was pretty older than i could imagine, well i haven’t met her for more than 15 years but her voice was the same and as strict as ever. once again i felt like the little naughty elementary student i was & god knows how naughty i were, i was a living disaster but i think i would have behaved better if i had known what was waiting for me in the future.
she was my 4th grade teacher, though it was very hard to please her, she’d been the best teacher i ever had.
once i drove my mom really crazy and she threatened me she’s gonna tell Mrs. X, i locked myself up in my room and didn’t talk to my mom for a day; it’s so vague but i think Mrs. X told me something that later i apologized my mom & some years later mom told me actually she had talked to my teacher and she told her not to argue with me a lot, i was just an energetic genius boy & one day she’s gonna be proud of me.
I’m no more energetic nor genius, may be i could become some one to be proud of if i stayed in university but i didn’t and i dunno how my mom feel about me but i guess i didn’t bring shame on my family.
ooopppss back to last night, i was really surprised cos it’s been more than 6 years that we had lost our contact ; i used to send her mails (not e-mails!) when we moved to another city the next year and we kept in touch till me & her moved to another place at the same time and we had no chance to find each other again and to be honest it’s been a while I’ve forgotten her;-)
yeah, last night, i know!
so after being petrified i woke up again with Alexis squeaky voice, yes she wanted to be introduced 😆
and Mrs. X was over-excited by the extremely cute baby girl i have so she wanted to see her mom so i asked her to join us for dinner so we went in and all those greetings and boring introduction blah blah blah and yes she said i was too lucky to have Meg (fuck it , is it that obvious?!?!)
and i forgot the existence of J when outta nowhere this poisonous mushroom jumped in our little happy company.
after exchanging a few passionate words like where the fcuk you’d been or bitch, didn’t you promised not to smoke, we came to the point of introduction so i said:” this is J, my….. ” and i couldn’t think of a proper word after so many lovely words Mrs X said about having your own family and what a darling family we were, she left no place for my boy friend and thanks to Meg for helping me in the last moment.
“he’s bellboy’s best bud” -yeah that’s it!-
the rest was boring just eating and reviewing old days and telling my wife what a terrible troublesome kid i was that i wished i could drown myself in the glass of coke infronna me cos blushes weren’t enough!
in the end we exchanged addresses and numbers and asked her to come visit us next weekend.
conclusion1: ignore your old teachers when you’re out with your boyfriend!
conclusion2: i love being so gay and still being married to a very straight wonderful woman,(to her: baby, i love yo)

I hate cloudy days and more than that i hate my passive episodes.
i wanna stay in bed and do nothing beside sleeping and crying and praying for my own death.
And how pitiable and helpless i look.
And it fucking ridiculous to share everything you had with some one else unwillingly
And apparently I’m sharing my family with my boyfriend or vice versa.
so my wife my daughter and my boyfriend are out going to the movies and restaurants and me sitting on the bed staring at the traffic light on the other side of the street and counting the cars passing the light and waiting for them.
i need a dead body, it can be me it can be some one else.
and how meaningless is the word “my”?
do i have anything of my own?
yes i still have my body but i lost my soul again in a crowded street the other day!

Right now my clock shows 5.45 pm, surely my putter has its own clock but it’s set for the Eastern Time so I don’t have to think much dealing with time differences.
I’m a bit bored (read missing the little city I used to live in) as usual it’s dark outside so I feel quite sleepy too.
I have established a few good habits like sleeping more than 10 hours, all I want is to stay in bed and do nothing, I can’t watch TV cos it really annoys me, I don’t like going to the theaters though it’s Oscar time and probably you can find a few worth-watching movies (any suggestion?)
I’ve called Meg 3 times since noon and she told me I better call tomorrow cos she’s tired of cleaning the place and packing and I didn’t let her snooze.
I hate all the news, the military tries to explain Alaskan soldier deaths, people demonstrate against war; it’s cloudy outside and most places are mushy, we have all these ice pile-up and avalanche warnings, J, the bf, is playing with Alexis so I’m gonna nominate him for being her godfather.
Shiiittt, Alexis is not baptized yet and I bet she won’t be in near future cos it’s the beginning of endless arguments with Meg on what religion she should have. I’m not really pushy but I can’t see the reason that she should be Christian.
Till now I have discovered interracial relations and marriages are fine but not inter-religions!
I’m not really religious (obvious, right?) but I never liked that guy called Christ.
I’m hungry, no I’m starving and I want something to eat; it’s another good habit so in a few weeks time I’m gonna weigh like a mammoth, wait for that!
J has terrible eating habits, he has brunch every day around 11-12 and then dipper (dinner & supper) at 7-8, that’s all he has and it doesn’t mean he eat less than me or he’s on any fucking diet, I bet he eats twice the usual amount I eat but just twice a day, I really need Meg to kick his ass hard, I just need 1.5 days to wait and it looks like forever!
Till now I thought I’m a real baby freak, smiling, mugging & sticking my tongue at every random baby I meet ; I was wrong, this guy is worse than me.
It really takes people some time to decide who her dad is. And if in the end they point at me it’s just because of little similarities.
And I like the sympathetic looks, I have NFI why they think of me as a single parent, I even met an elderly woman who tried her best preaching tone to tell me the baby needs her mom more than her dad.
WTF! I already know that.
Ok I better go get myself something then enjoy the 3-day vacation.

i’m an expert in making quick decisions, i don’t say all of them end in places i like but that’s the way i like it.
So we’re moving.
i got the ticket for Sunday morning and let’s not say to where but this time it’s one way.
i’m gonna take Alexis with myself but Meg gonna join us by Tuesday
we don’t have much to take, just clothes and a few personal things. me & Meg gonna take as much as possible and in-laws gonna send the rest later.
so everything gonna be new, a new life, a new job and a new place to live.
we’re gonna live with my boyfriend and we had set some rules till now; my wife is mine and i don’t wanna share her with anyone until she wants it herself.
i had this job offer for a while and i had to make my decision by the end of this month, i thought i wanted to stay in Bethel but i hate small communities, i like to get lost in crowded place with a few people knowing me.  but well gay society is still very limited.
and i wanna start a new blog, i’ve started the very first things right now and it’s gonna be hell different
people won’t have real names, gotta put a cover on everything and it’s gonna be more about sex than other things.
so i still keep here open to have a place for every day rant and not to forget how i started everything.
i guess in-laws gonna stay here for a few month then go back to their home in Colorado but probably they won’t follow us.
i have stuck my to-do list to the fridge, i have lotta things to do beside packing.
i have to say good-bye to all of my friends and go to places i like, surely miss the delta a lot
but we wanna keep the house, it’s jus another 14 months so it’s worth it meanwhile we put a “for rent ” sign, we have to balance our expenses
i dunno how i should feel but i’m not feeling blue or bad about it so let’s give it a try.
and i have to thank my wife for let me do whatever i wanted.
life’s gonna be a little hard till she finds a good job but till then i try my best.
this is my new blog: http://meandcallboy.wordpress.com/  (it’s gonna be different so if you think you’re gonna be offended or you don’t like things that way please leave there cos i mean harm to no one)
And thanks a lot for all the visits and supports and comments, i appreciate.
seriously yours
hellboy

AND one last joke before leaving
“Kentucky Vasectomy”

A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine
children. They went to the doctor to see about getting
the husband “fixed.”

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and
asked them what finally made them make the decision
–why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article
that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance
on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could
speak Spanish.

this is jus a quick note.
at last i got the permission from my wife. it’s not that i let her decide for me, i jus don’t want to risk my marriage cos i love my family.
so my caring friend who helped us a lot in our very hard time, had a crush on me. woaahh let’s feel proud of myself, am i that hot? i can’t wait to see mom-in-law’s face when hearing the news, she must be waiting with a rifle next time, but well why should she know?!
i think me and my bf (let’s call him J cos you gotta hear about him more) gotta talk more about likes and dislikes, i have my own limits cos my family comes first and i’m not that gay to file for divorce to get involved in a same-sex-marriage.
i’m sure about one thing, i’m glad he lives in a different city and i think he has to quit his second job as a call-boy if he wants me seriously, but i leave it up to him to decide.
ok let’s get back to work.
J’s gonna be here by Thursday night and he promised to buy Meg a pair of cool earrings on behalf of me.eerr that was supposed to be a surprise, ok babe, you’re surprised, ain’t you?

thing to ponder: i’m either manic or why am i so excited about this guy!

i got this in my mailbox but it needed some corrections

home_plumeria.jpg

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for. i would die for them or they would die for me?! well i know those 2, the first is me & the second hhhhmmm gotta think

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. jus 15?! you must be kidding, i have more guys on my list, there’re all cursed to worship me & yes i know im lovable!

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.you mean there are people who wanna have a crying baby, a nagging wife & piles of bills to pay, unpossible! (well no one hates me!)

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you. so i have to brush my teeth

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. yes that’s my wife, she’s wondering whether i washed the dishes or not!

6. You mean the world to someone. as long as the world’s jus as small as a drop

7. You are special and unique. yes i knew this

8. Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you. lemme think!!!! talking about aliens?! you’re frightening me!

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. well yeah, it’s called shiiitttt.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look. omg, it was me turning my back to the world!

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks. im rude enough that dont consider anything rude, send me compliments please 🙂

And always remember…. when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and
call a friend over. nope i dont see any reason to share! smto!


untitled.JPG
To the sister i’ve never met
how long i know you? not really long.
how much i know you? as much as you told me
how much i love you?as much as im allowed to love a sibling
may be sometimes we dont understand each other, may be sometimes we hate each other for stupid deeds of the other, may be some times we cant trust each other much, may be sometimes we look so unreal, so virtual so outta reach, may be sometimes we’re not around when needed, may be sometimes we cant be a shouldr to cry on, may be sometimes we cant find the right word to sooth the other’s pain, may be sometimes we sound selfish & ignorant but we’re siblings, we’re friends, we’re virtual but whatever whoever we are, we’re humans, we breathe, we work, we sleep, we love, we hate & we share, we cant touch each other but we can teach & learn, we can help each other through sad times & express our happiness during other’s good times.

there are times i hate you for having so many things to do, for not being in the mood to write to me or only share your good memories when it’s outta date, for writing in a language i dont understand. i hate the times i go to your blog & i have no idea what’s written there, i feel you’re so mean. but im never tired of your questions cos you’re as nosey as i am, you’re the one i can bitch about my wife & boss, i hate you when you tell me it was my fault when something goes wrong & you’re right but it’s ok, you never get tired of my long mails, my crazy thoughts , my complaints.
you’re great & im so thankful for having you in my mailbox, but please dont call me ” beloved garbage” i feel i have to take shower,jus kidding, smto

this part’s written by my e-sister
“I was in a place, not waiting or hoping anyone to come. Then suddenly, a box fell from up above with nice paper and it was so colorful. I was afraid to open it, coz that box is not mine though I was so curious, God said it’s for me; I can open it anytime I want. Then in the beginning of this year, I decided to open that box.
I opened it carefully; I didn’t want to damage the box and the paper. I like the paper. Then when I open it I found a miracle, I found you.”

conclusion: aint e-pals great? somehow they are, but there’s nothing better than naughty baby, loving wife, warm home, hot coffee & a comfy bed, omg thanks for getting home in one piece, you cant imagine how much i love being home again, how much im afraid of flights & how much my trip to dc sucked, im not gonna go to anywhere with only 50 bucks in my pocket eventhough i have the tickets back home. aha i love living in small cities like bethel, i was quite lost in subway, i had to take bus, taxi or get on train for wharever i wanted to go & i knew none of the people i met, what a pity! i better go fishing oooppps i mean work.

2112860490044986489_featuredalbum420.jpg
6th of august is an imprtant day to me, it’s my sister’s birthday. the sister God forgot to give me.
Happy birthday Rinnie, hope you have a great time.

note: the trip was great, nice climbing blah blah blah, i wrote about it to many friends, im abit tired of it. i realized alex’s a bit heavy specially when she was singing happily moving too much!
i jus cut & paste what i wrote to my friends cos im a bit busy & a lot nervous. my granny’s in hospital & i have this terrible feeling of “what if ……” , not really in the mood.
i’ll try to be a better hellboy later, ooopppps i forgot im not hellboy anymore 😉

about the trip, it was great, climbing a 5400m high peak’s so much fun. it was alex’s first climbing experiment & she really enjoyed it singing most of the way up. (actually if i was in her place i’d be a lot happier, singing non-stop) in our team we were 18 people, 5 women 13 men (alex not counted), we climbed to 4300-4400 meter then put up our tents & slept there, the next day 4 of us (including meg+alex)stayed in the tents, the rest climbed to the peak & then skied the way down, joining the rest before 7 pm.  then we hiked back to our bus, it was passed midnight when we reached there, i love walking in the moonlight, so romantic specially with a sleeping baby on your back, heavy backpack & an aching knee.*~*
we were home round 8 pm on friday. alex’s still happy & wild, running crazily round the livingroom, her mom’s finished washing dirty clothes & me sitting on th sofa with a painful knee that can hardly move praying to Lord to stop my roaming child.
no pics to send cos firstly i forgot to take meg’s camera, secondly carrying alex with so many heavy stuff (tent, sleeping bags, food….) for such a long time, i could hardly breathe let alone having time to shoot pics.
lesson: im not gonna take alex to any mountain higher than 1000 m cos she’s hell naughty & loves tiring her parents.
note: the puking incident happened again, but this time to another person & in another tent, lucky meeeeee!

Main Entry: honeymoon
Function: noun
Etymology: from the idea that the first month of marriage is the sweetest
Date: 1546
1 : a period of harmony immediately following marriage
2 : a period of unusual harmony especially following the establishment of a new relationship
3 : a trip or vacation taken by a newly married couple
–honeymoon intransitive verb
–honeymooner noun
i havent written about myself in here, surely it doesnt mean that i dont write about my life at all, i made here for my thoughts not my personal life but as long as this part of my life’s really twisted with my thoughts there’s a little need of knowing me.
first about the entry, looked up the meaning of honeymoon in order to use it correctly & not to leave some misunderstandings. 😆 to me the third meaning is more appropriate.

ok let’s get back to the purpose of this post.
act one, scene one: the clock strikes 9 times anouncing it should be dinner time, though mr sun’s still out & doesnt wanna go to his bed .
me lying on bed upside down waving my legs in air, listening to “did my time” by KoRn, trying to get to the last level of Pirate poppers.
??: hey hellboy (put my name here), let’s have our last dinner, im really hungry.
me: no way, i had too much for lunch, dont wanna have anything, go on yer own.
?? angrily: yo mean it
me: yep, move on, i wanna be on my own
??: sure?
me: yes honey
??:%$&%^(%&$#*%^%$$# (some very romantic words that cant be written!)

scene two:1.5 hours later:
?? is back to the room, im almost done with pirate poppers ( i really enjoyed this game)
??: hey move yer %*(^&@%&^%@$$ i wanna sleep.
me: shitttttttttt, jus 10 more minutes, k?
??: ok jus 10 minutes
me continue playing,
??: where’s yer cell phone
me: under the bed
?? : omg, yo’re dammed lazy
me nodding (it’s obvious i cant deny!)
?? begins talking, 5, 10, 15 minutes, still talking, moi still playing, suddenly her tone changes
me stop playing & jump to grab the phone
bang crash#*^)^*U$&^(^&#@$@!^&^%(&^#@
10 minutes later, lights off.
??: did yo really have to jump on me like a roaring polar bear
me: yey, yo know we’re in north pole & im a polar bear
??: hey we didnt see any bear here yet
me: im gonna get one for you tomorrow before returning, ok?
??: i jus wanna see one not to have one.
me: no you’re not gonna have it, im gonna ask it to eat yo…..
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
*******************
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
accidentally i fell down the bed.

scene three 15 minutes later……
me: still awake?
??: yeah, yo’re turning & twistin too much & dont lemme sleep.
me: ahaaaa
pause
me: are we really on honeymoon?
??: seems so.
me thinking a bit: should i write “married” when filling infronna “marital status” from now on?
a little pillow fight begins.

 

what a weird question? to have or not to have! hhhmm what i wanna have?!

well im talking about friends, i mean buddy. some one you can trust , someone you can LOVE, someone who cheer you up when crying, someone to give you courage when you need, someone to lean on when weak & things like this.

do i have such a person? nope. am i that close to anyone? nope

when you’re expecting such things from someone, you gotta do the same for him/her. am i that responsible? nah

so

Got no time to be on the road
Got no holes in my shoes
You’re the reason all my friends are gone
But I won’t run from you

guess i wanna be on my own, alone, i need such a person but im not ready to do my responsilities, lemme play with my toys & watch cartoons. fuck loneliness, lemme die on my own, i dont think such a person’s born yet. i dont think there’s some one as crazy as me.

let’s have a party & celebrate another depressed day. i love feeling blue. 🙂

jus lookin’ at the calender, whoaaaaaa it’s 11th , jus 3 days!

& then boogie! i dont have a list of human beings for this day! that means savin’ money. lol! 🙂

hhhmmm guess i better go buy myself a new pair of shoes & a red rose, too romantic ain’t it?!?!

ok if you think nobody loves you & wont send you card, jus mail me, i’ll do it 😉

time for studyin a bit, been out in the few last days & didnt open a page. 😦

i was thinkin of my project & last night i had a dream, sth about dia magnetic itergranular stress or like, but i cant remember ; better go to bed & maybe i dream of it & write it down! hehehehe