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Category Archives: feeling

i’ve been lagging dynamically, mentally, physically and statically, im so lame!

this pullover he gave mefor my birthday is way too warm, im boiling from

inside.

then i’ve been checking some old blogger friednss and holy shit, i missed

a lot.

what else? i’ve been planning christmas since hhhm tomorrow, i will think

of  it later, ok? AND HAVEN’T DONE THE SHOPPING YET.

i have added a new word to my vocab, sister-in-law, gawd it’s such a …

let’s not say what cos i know he may read here and he will kill me for bitching about his sis, im looking forward to not to meet her cos i prefer gay christmas to anything else, let’s pray her

plane gets a flat tyre.

he had made me a wishlist , i decided to ignore but this act of his had a very bad

impression on the little girl, she wanted to have her own wishlist , thanks hell she forgot but if she got herself one, i will post it  to her silly  &^*%$#W#$^$% mom and her bf will sue me with hate crime 😀

back to the sister-in law, i have made my mind to call her before landing to this unfortunate

bean city and tell her i will be having a gay orgy for christmas, likes it  or not and i know she wont like it. and i don’t care.

whatelse? i want a big christmas surprise, something very romantic but my

beloved partner doesnt have “romantic ideas” so i thought i may higher a

temporary woman lover for the romantic part, but that’s so lame.

again back to the sister-in-law, oh she is not yet the sister in law , yippe!

and i was thinking of joining my granny on the plane and go home, sorta missing relatives i guess but i doubt they ever

missed me . they may like my baby though.

there are hell of things to think about, for now it’s bed time, i wantd to sleep on the sofa cos he’s sick and may wake me up with his coughs but as long as i’m sneezing myself with a runny nose, i think we make a good couple for tonight.

now i go to bed but i’ll be happy with an invitation for christmas, if ever

wanted  a cool couple with a little cute girl you can count on me but i cant promise your place looks thesamewhen we leave (she’s more like a monkey than a human!)

i think it’s bed time and i have to go towork tomorrow, urrggghh

good night

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first happy thanksgiving, i’m straving even at 9 am.

the whole family is all together and i think i had a crush on my lil bro’s gf,

she’s such a little cute girl 🙂

me & my lover were doing some light vanilla B&D, S&M plus M&M this morning (thanks heavens it was light or i wouldnt be here blogging 🙂  and he read my PA (Prince Albert) post on the other blog and he said he will think about it as mychristmas gift, now thinking seriously i really dont want such things *~*

whatever, i have lots ofthings to do like hunting a turkey.

happy thanksgiving

ps: if you have no idea what PA is you can look here:

http://lastbreath.wordpress.com/2007/11/22/prince-albert-for-thanksgiving/

i feel his fingers running up and down my spine as if counting something, a silent lullaby for my sleepless night, unaware of the world surrounding me, i count my own breath, a replace for the sheep jumping over the fence cos recently they’re tired of jumping over anything and they gave me a warning of over-crowded fields, all will die soon cos of hunger.

thinking about the sheep i missed the seconds his hand moved a good 10 inch lower resting a finger on my butt hole, i stop pretending to be asleep just to avoid him from going any further. now i have his hand in my own, biting his fingertips, and he responds pretty quickly by biting my earlobe. i turn and sleep on my back, staring into his bluish gray eyes. i have something on my mind but im not sure he wants to hear it. sometimes i amuse myself by thinking before talking, it’s his habit not mine. i bite my lower lip to avoid words; trying to guess what his answers can be, he says i look funny when trying to keep my mouth shut. so i try harder and he smiles at me, one of those irresistible smiles i love so much, the next moment we’re kissing really hard, having our very own tongue fight and i never found out why kissing him is so different.
he let me break the kiss to catch my breath but i dont wanna continue anything.
“can we talk seriously now?” i ask him.
“we always talk seriously, don’t we?” he answers with a killing smile on his face.
me:”i’ve been thinking……..”
him:-” don’t think too much, k?”
me:” bitch, listen to me………”
him:” wait a sec, have you taken your pills?”
i close my eyes to think, have i? i dont remember.
me:” i think no.”
he gets outta bed to fetch my pills, i bite my lips very hard seeing him running to the kitchen naked, what if the little girl wakes up. i grab the blanket and run after him to the kitchen, it’s a fair deal, he has the blanket, i have my pills and then another kiss, some nights we’re boringly too romantic and it seems everything is getting worse the more we live together.
“do you think they can fix their relationship?” i ask swallowing all the water in one breath.
he sits on the table with the blanket carefully hiding his body, ” i think they should.”
me:” and what if they dont or cant?”
him:” it’s their life.”
me:” but it we must do something for them, they’re our friends.”
him:” do what? it’s their lives, not ours.”
i fill my glass again, swallowing each sip with as much as hesitation i can waste on those water drops. he strokes my hair a bit, making it messier than its natural way, “don’t think to much” he whispers in my ear.
i stare at him without saying a word, counting my own heartbeats and im not even sure about the words marching in my mind.
“im gonna talk to him seriously, i started it, i should be the one ending it.” i say at last.
he grabs my hand firmly:” you’re doing nothing than keeping your mouth shut, it’s not about you. he didn’t have a crush on you, it’s all lust but if you have a crush on him, it’s another thing to consider. ” he pauses for a few seconds before going on ” you didn’t have a crush on him, did you?”
i ‘m not sure about the answer, i keep on staring at the floor until little tears run down my eyes.
he grabs my hair and pulls it so hard i cant avoid not looking at him, “answer me? what happened between you two?”
i get up and stand infronna him,pressing his wrist as hard as i can to loosen his fingers round my hair.
” Ace, listen, i really have no idea, im so confused, things with him is very different, but i know you’re the only man i love and i wanna live with.clear?”
he puts his arms round my torso and pulls me close giving me a long kiss and we remain in the cuddling position till i hear little squeaking sounds from her bed, telling us she’d be outta her bed any second. he runs to the bedroom and i goes to her room, another bathroom trip for her.
after putting her to bed and kissing her goodnight with a short censored second bedtime story, i go back to my own bed and he’s waiting for me.
“what’s different about him?” he asks casually.
“nothing” i jump under the covers.
“do you wanna try it that way with me?” he insists on continuing our boring conversation.
“no, turn the lights off, i wanna sleep.” i hide my head behind the covers.
getting outta bed, turning the lights off and back, i can feel his hand round my neck, pretending to suffocate me if i dont talk.
“i’m choking, i’ll tell you everything.”
-” ok”
“everything, now sleep.”
-“asshole”
“i know it, thanks, good night.”
and there’s silence everywhere before i break it.
“what about talkingto both of’em tomorrow!!”
-” about what?”
“hhhmm not breaking up.”
-“why should we? it’s their relationship, private, can you understand.”
“ok, night”
after a few minutes, he breaks the silence
-” why do you want to do that?”
“i feel guilty.”
-” it has nothing to do with you, they’re swingers, they’re so used to other guys in their life, try to understand, ok?”
i take a deep breath “i understand but they’re our friends”
-” holy crap, stop being so OC, i really dont need to sleep with jesus”
im cant help myself not to laugh, probably no one wants to sleep with jesus, pretty boring i guess to be advised during the bedtime.
i kiss him on his cheek, ” ok sleep with me and keep your faith son, we’re gonna talk to them tomorrow, ok?”
-“as you like, night jesus”
“night son”
sometimes i have no idea how he tolerates me, i know i cant save myself, let alone the world im living in but i cant stop trying not to save others, probably another wrong sick incomplete gene in my brain.
i’m gonna talk to them anyway, they’re the closest frinds we have here and i still think they’re such a gorgeous couple.

honestly i’ve missed bolgging here, or blogging this way.

i was up to some very xxx-rated writings that you shouldnt read even with your parents by your side and their hands in their pants.

i missed my old friends, the traffic is great but with all the cum, hard cocks and wet pussies when reading your blog, you will feel disappointed.

and well i think i wanna start blogging this way again so i need a few updates or more than few 😀

when was the last time i blogged here?!!!! aha i remembered so here’s some updates of my kind:

1. i’m back to my beloved city of Boston, right now it’s 28F and rainy but i say it’s a lot better than alaska

2. my little alex is 2 years and 3months old, talkative, naughty and a big headache, adorable i say.

3. i’m not married anymore or i am till my divorce is final. haven’t met my ex for a week or so. and i dont care

4. i bought my own place at last, it’s not big and well it’s not so so great but it’s mine so i like it a lot.

5. alex lives with me having her own bedroom and her own friends and well her own rules, she’s the boss of the house.

6.the last 6 months was really hard for me, lots of downs and a little ups. i was so depressed i couldnt work for a while so i got sacked but well not things are

ok and i have my new job, i dont earn much but i can pay the bills at lease 😀

7. i’m not meeting any woman and i dont have any boyfriend but at least i made my mind and jumpped outta closet completely.

8. being gay is one thing and being your real self is another thing, i’m glad at last i made my mind and accepted the very natural thing about myself.

9. right now i live with my baby girl and partner. honestly it wasnt love at first fright but i was madly in love with him and unfortunately things get worse as time goes by.

10. i cant say much about him here cos he will read what i say and i will be punished. all i can say is that at last i found my soul-mate. he’s very understanding or at least he has no problem with me and my mental problem. he likes me being weird.

11. the one thing i really want is getting my divorce, i cant wait to marry him. (crazy right?!!)

12. two months and 10 days ago me and my partner exchanged rings and since then i’m wearing my ring 24-7, something never happened to my wedding ring.

13. i can say i am enjoying my life, and it will be better when i have Alex’s custody. i know one thing, i really want to be her dad and i want her badly and her mom doesn’t want her, so no problem left 😀

14. it’s hard to be gay and a parent and more than that have BD. every time i feel really down i cant stop thinking of losing her.

but i have a wonderful lover and i know i can count on him.

15. my little girl officially lives with me for nearly 2 months and she loves her two dads, so we’re gonna be  a good family but i know she needs a woman in her life and her mom doesn’t want to be that woman. spo i keep on searching and i have found some eager moms to help me.

16. i think that was enough for a start after so long. i need time to keep my other blog updated 🙂

once upon a time, long time ago, “to be, or not to be” was a question, but now things have changed a lot. the “being” is not that important. the being…. makes difference.

so the other day i was chatting with “the other guy”-don’t think wrong, he’s straighter than anything you can think of, so he’s just a friend- and the conversation went on like this:

 me: hug me

that guy: already

me: where?

me: how?

that guy: cant you feel it?

me: no. i think you’re hugging the wrong guy

that guy: what??

that guy: you re fat and pale, right?

me: fuck u! where have you gone?

me: gay-asian bar? 

that guy: oh, shoot! it’s a girl.

me: huh?

me: went to the les? omg

that guy: God im blessed!

(i showed him my picture)

me: this is me

that guy: really?

me: yeah. btw do i really look fat and pale?

that guy: no,   you look weird

me: why?

me: do i have horns and tail and boobs?!

that guy: gayish?

me: i dunno.you tell me

that guy: you feel like choosing a right path, buddy??

me: what path?

that guy: your life

me: hhmm no so sure. but i think it’s fine

me: u dont agree?

that guy: sorry i dont

me: i guessed so

me: is your way right?

that guy: i guessed so

me: lucky then. im not jealous

me: i couldn’t change anything actually

that guy: i dont ask you to

that guy: really?

me: yes really

that guy: you re a loser i know

me: u know i tried

me: i know it

me: no need to be reminded

that guy: never again

me: my pleasure

me: you wanna confirm what?

me: my whole existence is a sin?

that guy: that’s confirmed

that guy: no need to be reminded

that guy: just wonder..

me: wonder what?

that guy: it is stupid that you think you couldn’t change anything and blame god

me: i dont blame him. i never did

me: i just say my creation was the worst thing he could do

that guy: that’s blaming, pal

me: ok. i cant change it. I’m fucked

that guy: now let say, you cant change it and you just follow it

me: ok as you say

that guy: now you wanna affect people around yo?

me: i was born a loser. no i just want to love and be loved

that guy: don’t you think ya have power

me: for what?

that guy: look at your words, man. you have power

that guy: you may have affected many people

me: to be a jerk?

that guy: you happy?

me: i think so

me: you wanna conclude I’m happy with some powers, right?

that guy: maybe, and happy you get some attention with that

me: what a poor creature i am then

me: i’d rather go to bed

me: g’night

And the chat was over but i didn’t go to bed. later we chatted a little more and he claimed i’ll be a threat to my little girl for being gay.

how can i be such? i mean no harm to her. well may be drunk dads say the same but still beat their families but i’m not into alcoholic drinks nor drugs. and i don’t think loving my boyfriend would make me so insane that i try to harm my little girl. that’s way too stupid.

but well there’s this possibility of being hated by her for my sexual orientation. that’s as much as possible when parents kick their kids outta home for the same reason.

i don’t wanna conclude anything and i don’t wanna deny being bisexually gay. and i think even denying it, won’t help me much when me and my wife are screwing one an other and i can’t stop my mind thinking  of him instead of her.

but there’s this fact. i’m a loser in this world and the world of the dead. i can say i tried to change a few things but i’m not giving my boyfriend to a pile of written stuff claiming i will go to hell for being myself and for loving the man of my dreams.

why no guy goes to hell for loving a woman? (3-4 women in other religions!) that’s not a sin but it can make me a real psycho running after my daughter for that reason.

no i’m no fan of that junkie singer, i wanna write about my own boy friend.

but on a second thought i feel i don’t wanna blog about him cos if i complain or backbite then he’s gonna feel offended and if i praise him, then it’s gonna be crap.

so i thought of writing about myself and what can i say? i’m a lucky guy or as Pinocchio said in Shrek “i’m a real boy” except that my wooden nose won’t grow longer if i lie!

sometimes i feel so lonely, i want all the privacy i need to be with him, just with him and no one else, going to the woods, fishing, hunting, camping and the rest of the things guys do but people here are so different. i have this wonderful cover of being a married man who loves his family and it’s no lie cos i will do anything i can to make them feel comfortable as far as my sick mind lets me.

and well he has his own cover, he’s divorced with two kids, though both of them lives with their moms, there’s no reason to accuse him of being gay.

everything seems so ridiculous when i review all those closet-time of my life, struggling with my feelings,fears and tears till at last i gave up and since then i never met that Mr. Right. all of my partners/ boyfriends were real bitches and may be the reason was that they were just like me, a real asshole.

and now at 26, after 6-7 years of looking for that special guy, at last i found him in one of the most retarded parts of the States. i don’t mean that i disgust this place or hate its people, i just don’t feel comfortable. there’s always this fear of being caught by a friend or an acquaintance; it may look hot at first but when you run outta excuses then they will hate you, him and your families.

i’ve spend many nights thinking how it is like when someone tells you that one of your parents is gay. may be it looks fine to many people but i doubt it look that much fine to a little girl.

sometimes when i have little arguments with him, i think to myself “ooofff it’s all over, we’re gonna breakup and never meet again so i can go on my straight life.”

but the next time we meet and exchange a few “i’m sorry…..” words and a little of hugging and kissing; then i think how i can live without him or how i lived all these years on my own.

i think i have to go to a doc and ask him/her to give me some capsules to make me straight!

ok, enough said. it’s time to call him and wake him up. i just enjoy waking him up early mornings , specially at weekends just to give him reasons to “let my heart go!!”

oh my dearest you have no fucking idea how much i missed you all those endless long endless day-like nights, staring at empty pages, or even the blue thing on top of other people’s writing cans all saying to me, sorta even deceiving me to write!

officially i haven’t blogged since 12th of last month, technically i haven’t written any crap for a whole month and by now i’m dammed sure my psychiatrist is so proud of me.

i can’t say it was a good time but it was fine. and i really have no idea to whom i’m talking too. Alllooooo any muthafucka out there?

if you wanna become an expert, you need helluva practice. and i can’t even write a logical thing (let’s pretend i could write some time ago)

so as for the start or kinda end to something review the last 6-8 weeks!

1. broke up with my ex (fucking bastard, it was obvious he wasn’t my kind)

2. changed my psychiatrist and as a result went through all the shit with new meds and dosage!

3. the baby girl turned to be Ms. talkative with lots of crazy questions, just giving me headaches and making me wish i was deaf!

4. i gave up the idea of spending so many nights surfing the net and instead i started to read some books!

5. some fucking bastard stole my laptop and a few other things, just forcing me to choose between a brand new laptop in the next 3 years or a digi-cam for the coming 3-4 months.

6. last not least apparently and to some extent obviously i found my mr. right and Gawd he’s so sexy and lovable. i’m not gonna give any details cos you may kidnap him. all i can say is that he’s so much better than all the guys i’ve dated to date!

what else?

aha, as long as i’m back and i’ve made my mind to keep on blogging and writing crap for a while i thought this blog needed a new look and beside the new theme (that i have it on my other blog and love it so much!) i needed a header so  without further ado, i bring to you the extinct species living in north pole aka me (i know you were dying to see my face!)

i know i look really ugly and remind you of your great great great grand father but i can promise you to have a plastic surgery asap (i’m saving for it, may be you can help me a bit!)

ok, that was enough for today. i’m gonna change the header soon, i’m just looking for something better!

part III (some time later)
” i told you not to come here, didn’t i?” RM shouted
“well yes you did but i should meet you, i really need to talk to you about….” BF tried to finish his sentence but RM didn’t let him.
” go back to the hell you came from, i don’t wanna hear anything”
BF:” butttttttttt”
RM:” goooooooo, nowwwwww!”
BF:” there wont be any flight till tomorrow, you don’t wanna leamme in the cold, do you”
RM:” go to a hotel”
BF:” you know i cant find a room for tonight”
RM:”that’s your problem, not mine!”
BF:” lemme stay for the night, just a night!”
RM:” fck you, ok, come but dont expect anything, we have many guests that need a place for sleep.”
so RM opened the door a bit and BF with some struggle got inside
********************
Late that night
RM whispered:” bitch cant you sleep somewhere else?”
BF thought for a second then said:” actually no. you know i’ve never been in love, not like this, i love you from the bottom of my heart, i really cant live a day without you.”
RM replied:” go fuck your mom and shut your shitty mouth up, i wanna sleep”
then he moved tothe other side of the room and tried to sleep
TBC……

read part one (https://bipolaroverdosed.wordpress.com/2007/02/10/bi-x-bi-straight)
sometimes we can’t control our feelings the way we should!
RM:”bitch, yo late, ain’t yo?”
BF:”sorry, it took me longer than expected”
RM(still angry holding his hands near the heater) :” i can feel flakes of ice moving through my veins, i’d be dead if you showed later than this”
BF (now feeling mad at his mate):” i apologized, didn’t i?”
pressing the break pedal to stop by a take-away, he went on:” hey i’m sorry but i really didn’t have a glorious time either, what do you want for dinner.”
RM (mumbling):”nothing, i feel sick.”
to the shop and back, BF stared at RM’s red eyes and whispered:” you look hot baby”
RM (a bit annoyed):”stop this crap, go fuck yer mom!”
A few more blokes and they were in his place
to be continued…..
*. it’s pretty hard to write about things happened a while ago, i think i let this reach some points, then start writing the current events fed with flashbacks ( i need some time to read more books but dammed i’m far too busy these days!) & i apologize for this crap!

The other day I was thinking how lonely I was and how much I hated the cyberspace cos my friends left me and how much I wanted to start everything again from day one and I cant believe I have to start from the scratch as a result of my own mistake!
I’m not even sure whether I want to blog again or not.
I’m sure about one thing:
I hate those fucking cow-orkers who wanna fuck with me!
some times i wonder why I left my meta-stable life and put myself in circumstances I never wanted to be in but there’s no way back.
I’m not against anything but I have my own rules; I respect most of the public moralities so I give myself to have some privacy and live the way I like when at my own place, Am I asking for too much?Is it a crime?
no, I don’t really wanna talk about it right now. I have a lot to figure out!