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Category Archives: boyfriend

oh my dearest you have no fucking idea how much i missed you all those endless long endless day-like nights, staring at empty pages, or even the blue thing on top of other people’s writing cans all saying to me, sorta even deceiving me to write!

officially i haven’t blogged since 12th of last month, technically i haven’t written any crap for a whole month and by now i’m dammed sure my psychiatrist is so proud of me.

i can’t say it was a good time but it was fine. and i really have no idea to whom i’m talking too. Alllooooo any muthafucka out there?

if you wanna become an expert, you need helluva practice. and i can’t even write a logical thing (let’s pretend i could write some time ago)

so as for the start or kinda end to something review the last 6-8 weeks!

1. broke up with my ex (fucking bastard, it was obvious he wasn’t my kind)

2. changed my psychiatrist and as a result went through all the shit with new meds and dosage!

3. the baby girl turned to be Ms. talkative with lots of crazy questions, just giving me headaches and making me wish i was deaf!

4. i gave up the idea of spending so many nights surfing the net and instead i started to read some books!

5. some fucking bastard stole my laptop and a few other things, just forcing me to choose between a brand new laptop in the next 3 years or a digi-cam for the coming 3-4 months.

6. last not least apparently and to some extent obviously i found my mr. right and Gawd he’s so sexy and lovable. i’m not gonna give any details cos you may kidnap him. all i can say is that he’s so much better than all the guys i’ve dated to date!

what else?

aha, as long as i’m back and i’ve made my mind to keep on blogging and writing crap for a while i thought this blog needed a new look and beside the new theme (that i have it on my other blog and love it so much!) i needed a header so  without further ado, i bring to you the extinct species living in north pole aka me (i know you were dying to see my face!)

i know i look really ugly and remind you of your great great great grand father but i can promise you to have a plastic surgery asap (i’m saving for it, may be you can help me a bit!)

ok, that was enough for today. i’m gonna change the header soon, i’m just looking for something better!

timmy3shocker1.jpg

personally I don’t care much about politics cos i can’t do anything to stop or start something planned!

but when i read this ” Millions of dollars for rural schools and roads in Alaska are now at stake in a confrontation between the White House and congressional Democrats over withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq.” in the papers, i really despised those fat guys resting their ass on comfy chairs and looking for a way to make their pocket full the money collected from taxes and in the end not only any school or road is made or fixed; they let the troops get mental diseases or die for no reason.

i dunno how this stupidity can be stopped but i think nobody ever stopped such things during the history. So i put my backpack in the car, kick J’s ass to shake a leg, jump into ym chevy and press the gas to get to the airport before the plane takes off.

see you later in Anchorage. i bet I’m gonna die spending 20 days working hard without my family. i already miss Alexis and Meg!

sometimes our dreams come true and then we wish we’d wished for something else.

everything is all right. the central heating is working properly so Alexis is back home.

me & Meg had a great time together but it was more riding than hiking hihihi

then me & J shot our last weapons and now we’re more than friends again.

i’m enjoying another depressive mood though there are a lot to enjoy.

i dunno why i feel so down so often!

it’s 9 am, i haven’t had breakfast yet, J & Alexis are still asleep and Meg’s out for shopping and me doing nothing. i think it’s gonna be another boring day lying on the bed and staring at the walls and drowning in endless nightmares.

stay sick cos i’m feeling blue!

to my not very surprise, today Jeff came to my in-laws’ place so he can ask them for some help.
this is the conversation between me & mom (or something like this)
mom: so what’s your problem, keith?
keith: huh? whacha talkin about?
mom: you know what i am talking about, don’t you?
keith: nah, gimme a hint!
mom: com’on keith, don’t pretend you cant understand me. (pointing to the living-room where he’s watching TV)
keith: aha,HIM! no problem.
mom: so why you don’t talk to him?
keith: cos we have talked a lot, nothing left to say.
mom: but he says he can explain, he jus wants a chance.
keith: mom, why ya on his side? he’s said what he could say. what does he wanna add?
mom: give him a chance, for my sake.
me thinking and scratching my curly wavy hair.
keith: ok,only cos you asked me but he can have just a minute.
so i went to the living-room
me: hey
he raises his head and looks at me with a stupid grin on his face.
me: so whadya wanna say?
HIM: hi, come & sit here.
i stand still by the entrance.
me: i don’t have much time.
Him:(looking a bit offended) whad do yo wanna do?
me: Alexis wants her horse to give her a long ride on his back.
Him: and that’s more important to you?
me: playing with my daughter is more important than many things.
Him: I see
me: so?
i keep silent for a while but he doesn’t want to speak so i go on.
me: Look J i’ve told you everything, and i’m gonna buy you a pair of rings if that’s all you want.
Him: keith!
me: yes! what do you wanna tell me? you wanna say you’ve decided to get married and live a very straight life in MY city, right?
Him: for heaven’s sake, slow down.
me: time’s up, i have to go.
Him: fuck you………
i don’t let him finish his sentence.
me: no, i don’t have the time to get fucked, besides i don’t have any condom here and i’m not in the mood and well i’m having my period.
grinning at his puzzled look, i go outside the room looking for my little girl.
me: Alex, Alexis, Lexiiiiiiisssss, where ya? come to daddy!
wiggling her little hands she runs down the stairs.
me shouting: ” holy …….-i bite my lip remembering i shouldn’t curse infronna her- don’t run”
i catch her somewhere in the middle of air and hug her tight. she screams and i let her go.
Putting her hands on the side of her head she says: “Orse”
me kissing her:” ok, horse but that’s a rabbit that has big ears like you” she giggles.

15 minutes later, me lying on the sofa half dead half alive, i wasn’t born a horse!
i can hear Alexis shouting at her mom for not giving her lipstick to her, God she’s an exhibitionist even now!

He comes to the room, touching me on the shoulder, i open my eyes and sit.
me: what?
Him: you played with her, didn’t you?
me: so?
Him: can we talk now?
me: i thought we talked enough that night and you were supposed to leave last morning, weren’t you?
Him: can you shut your fucking mouth up for a second and listen?
putting my forefinger to my noise and said:” shush no f-words, she may hear”
lowering his voice:”ok, i made a mistake but i wanted to know how it was like.”
me almost shouting:” how it was like, how it was like?!, do i look like donkeys? do you see a tail? and you didn’t know how it was like?! you’re trying to say you were virgin? go fuck yer mom……….
mom came to the room: KEITH!
me feeling red with blushes: sorry, i meant nothing
i wait till she goes out of the room
me: so what do you want now?
unzipping my jeans i went on: so you wanna fuck me to see how it is like?
he grabs my jeans before falling.
Him: Keith, for God’s sake, for the sake of the one whom you worship, for the sake of your loved ones
i stare at him, and said: ok for their sake what? don’t ask you to fuck me cos i need something in my ass!?huh?!
him looking else where and murmuring: “bitch”
me: i heard it, yes i’m a bitch, didn’t you know that? then what?
i zip my jeans and make a bee line for the door
him: i’m sorry keith, i’m really sorry
me: if you cry, i may think about it
Meg coming to the room, pretending she didn’t hear anything; “so what’s the problem boys?”
me leaving the room: nothing, it seems HE has found something new.
as i was almost outside the room, i shouted:” hey Meg do you have a good dress for his wedding?”
she smiles at Him and follows me out of the room, ” may be you have to buy me one!”
we let him think on his own, i wave at mom as we open the entrance door to go out for a walk with my arm round her waist.
mom: don’t stay out too long, it’s cold out there and don’t come late for lunch.
me: yes sire!
and i shut the door.
****************
may be you think i should have given the chance. actually i did and now i want him to decide what he wants from his life on his own. yes i love him and i don’t wanna lose him but i can’t tie to my bed!
i’m not sure what i really want to hear from him, well may be i’m a pussy bisexual preferring males to females more and he’s bi too, i knew it but i didn’t expect him dumping me without any warning. my heart is not a crowded street that many people come and go every where, i can’t love many people from the bottom of my heart, i have a limited space there and he has to make his choice!
***> any suggestion to get outta this hell is welcomed 🙂

all i want at the moment is a good partner like these:

2007_03_19_bangbang-thumb1.jpg

honestly, i’m sorta feeling blue, quite pissed off and i’m so glad of giving J what he deserved.

you cant fuck with me and escape without any punishment!

do i look like a desperate gay dad?! hope not!

let’s start the first working day!

I’m getting ready to get up and get dressed and get my lazy ass in right gears to move and leave home for a while to get something to eat. got what i said?

Spending my third day of staying home and doing nothing and just staring at random things and waiting for random things to crash on my head or other random unexpected unfortunate events, nothing special has happened till now. So i made my mind to get outta home and do something productive like running after kids, sitting on ice and catching no fish or shooting some moving things and then call ’em moving moose.

honestly it seems i was happier when working more than 12 hours a day, at least i was doing something and by the end of the month i could smile at the sight of those additional figures in my account.

right now: Meg & Alexis are out at some friends’ place, in-laws are enjoying themselves  doing i dunno what and my fucking boy friend is hanging with some (read one) cute girl(S) he met the other day.

and i know you’re green with envy! yes it feels great not to work that i feel i’m going crazy if i stay one more hour at home and i have decided to go back to my old job till the end of my vacation, then finish my fucking contract with that fucking company and get back home (that’s gonna take a whole month so fuck ’em all!)

and I know now you’re saying why i’m complaining 7/24 when zillion of gay guys are dreaming of my life and i wonder how they can be gay when they’re fantasizing about boobs and pussies!

i feel so gay today cos when i woke up, it was 10 to 8 and no one was at home and nothing was left for me to eat and i had 2 notes stuck to the fridge; one from my wife saying i could have crackers and milk for breakfast and she won’t be home earlier than 5 pm and i have to pick her up and i can join them for lunch if i were in the mood of getting outta house, taking a bath and shaving.

the other note from J was a lot better; it started with a “fcuk your lazy ass for sleeping too much” in bold and italic and big red font and i hate red pens! then telling me  he’s gonna spend his day with the girl he met the other day in a party he went with Meg & Alexis last Sunday.

things worrying me:

1. is it wrong to sleep 2-3 hours a day?

2. why no one tried to wake me up and take me with themselves?

3. why my gay boyfriend look so straight to me?

4. should i buy Meg a…… for our first anniversary or buy Alexis a tricycle or buy myself a skateboard or buy J a pair of rings for his wedding?

there must be something very wrong with me, i know it’s too hard to deal with depressed me and it’s hell boring to be down so often but at least they could offer taking me out than letting me stay home and drown in my own shit.

And i’m gonna laugh till death if J fucks that girl and tells me he’s not feeling gay anymore!

Wanna have a boy friend with a wife and a naughty kid? i’m 5′ 10”, 137 lbs and i’m just a pink elephant lost and looking for a caring guy, i’m not too ugly (yeah i look better than your gay grandpa! ) and i earn ….k$ per month, so can we meet tonight cos i feel so gay and i need an @$$ to f***.

i knew you were jealous of me, admit it!

*. another me & boy friend story!

He rested his hand on my chest and took a deep breath.

 “I feel a bit sore and tired, wanna go on?” he asked. I grabbed his head and pulled him close enough to whisper something in his ears. ” do you wanna come with us or not?”

he licked my cheek gently then said:” surely you have no right to leamme here, on my own.”

I loosened my fingers and let him adjust his body to a better position as I leaned on my elbows and pushed myself to the other end of the bed to have a better view of my lover.

he looked like a naughty boy ready to play with; I took a good long stare at him and admired his muscular body with my fingers running up and down his hand.

” how long you wanna tease?” he asked.

“you know I enjoy exhaustin’ and playin’ with my prey before eatin’ him.” I licked my lips.

he grabbed his very hard cock in his hand and stroked it several times, I leaned forward to touch his beautiful cock too shouting:” no jerk off, that’s mine, all mine”

he smiled wickedly, rising on his knees and pushing me away.

“you wanna tease, ok, you’re gonna be teased till you beg me stop.”

 All I could do was running on my hands and knees trying to get outta bed but he was fast enough to catch me by my foot and pull me back on the bed, I tried to escape but he put all his weight on my body and stuck me to the bed.

he started biting  the back of  my neck, his hands holding my wrist and giving me no chance to move.

I shouted:” J you’re hurting me bitch”

 he loosened his hands a bit so I could change my very unstable position.

“so what should I do with my disobedient lover” he asked.

 “do as you like but move your fucking knee away from my back, you’re breaking it!”

he pushed his knee against my back harder, I tried to throw him to the other side of the bed but he was holding me really firm. “it hurts, yeah?” he asked.

 “I’m gonna fuck you to death as soon as I get outta your hell.” I yelled.

“you’re a bluffer, you can’t do anything at the moment.” he said and pushed me harder against the bed, it was hard to breathe.

” babe, lemme go, I beg you, I’m sorry, damn yo, you’re breaking my bones.” I cried.

“what’s today?”  he asked.

 ” I dunno, it’s another fucking Saturday, J lemme go, please.”  the pain was getting worse.

” and you still remember our bet?”  he was really enjoying himself.

” bitch, yeah, ok do as you like but my dead body won’t do you much for pleasure.” I couldn’t go on tolerating more pain.

 “ok, good boy!” he said this and moved to the other side of the bed. both of us covered in sweat, I turned to the other side so I could look into his eyes.

We stayed still for several minutes before I moved my arms round his waist and pulled him closer.

“you were killing me”  I kissed him on the cheek.

“But you’re still alive.”  embracing each other, I licked his lips.  he tasted good, I like his taste, his tender kisses but  I couldn’t stay like that for long.

I kissed him lustfully, he kissed me back. I put a hand on his ass cheek.

 shivering a little, he said: “shiiittt, your hand’s so cold”

he bent toward the floor to find the blanket.

 we moved under the blanket, I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his shoulder, I could hear his breath, he could hear mine. his fingers caressed my back.

” I love you baby.” I whispered.

“so do I, asshole” he whispered back.

we remained in each others arms for a while, I enjoyed rubbing my body against his. my hands were pretty warm by then and all I wanted was to sleep in his arm, I was so tired to think of anything else.

 But the other head was really  busy and hard. I rubbed my hand against his smooth skin till at last I found his hand  jerking his hard dick slowly, I put my hand on his hand, then held it tight and  brought it to my mouth, licking every finger.

 now my hand was resting on his hard cock. I moved a bit upward so I could see his face. I squeezed his balls a little, then put both hands on his shoulders and turned him to his back  then raised my body a bit, putting my leg on his other side and then he was between my legs. I pressed my chin against his chest, then put my weight on my elbows as I rubbed my dick against his groin, he closed his eyes.

 I began to rub my hard cock against his fully erect cock, he put his hands on my hips and pushed me closer, I pushed back. He let out a loud moan as I kissed his lips.

I increased my pace and he moaned louder as  I rubbed my balls against his and it felt so good.

I buried my face in his pillow as he parted my ass cheeks, I was dying to feel his fingers inside, I wanted him to fill my painful butt hole.

 Out of the blue the door banged open.” whacha you boys doin’ here?”  my wife asked.

J pushed me off his body trying to sit.

“com’on outta bedroom, I wanna change my clothes & I think you were supposed to pack your luggage by now.” she said merrily.

 “When did you come? We didn’t hear you!” I said. me & J were sitting by each other’s side and holding the blanket tight to hide our naked bodies.

Meg came to me and kissed me gently trying to pull the blanket.

“Nooooo” I shouted. “Give us 10 more minutes”

 “& you think that’s gonna be enough for you” she winked at J.

“at least we can try” I replied.

“nope, I give you a minute to get outta bed and go” she turned her back to us as if our only minute was started.

” fuck you, at least go outta the room so we can get dressed” I demanded.

 ” errr, you’ve been very bad boys and you gotta pack right now so you have no time to fuck me” then she stuck her tongue out at me  and made a bee line for the door.

 As she left, I turned to J, touching his cock under the blanket, he was as hard as me. ” do you think we have enough time?” I asked stroking his cock.

Meg knocked on the door:” I’m comiiiinnnnnggggg boys”

 ” No” J shouted, jumping outta  bed, we got dressed as quickly as we could.

 

It’s hard to live in this homophobic society, and it’s gonna be much harder when you’re a gay dad in a straight marriage.

Being grown up in a quite religious family when the masturbation was a big sin, loving someone the same sex would end in eternal hell where no one and nothing could save you.

I’m not anti-religion and I think to some extent humans must believe in something or otherwise they’re dead bodies walking, eating and doing other things without any meaning and a meaningless life, no matter how colorful, is not worth living.

It took me a while to understand my own feelings and a lot longer to decide what my sexuality was. At first I tried to change the attitude towards homosexuality in my family, honestly I didn’t get to any point and not only they didn’t accepted my sexuality, they treated me in a way I forgot about having any relatives and all.

Some of my friends did the same, while some others tried to convince me that homosexuality never existed and it was just an illusion made by my sick brain.

I gave up trying to change others and instead I started living my life as straight as possible, sometimes hanging with bi-guys for a change.

Though you might change your face with a better one using plastic surgery, it’s almost impossible to change your sexuality unless you do something to your genitals.

One of the most important things in my life is my daughter; I try hard to be a good dad no matter what happens. When I met the man of my dreams, I wasn’t really sure how far we could go.

Though quite hurt, my loving wife let me go as far as I wanted and it was too far, I almost got lost. Little by little I learned to handle my gay feelings in a way that neither hurt my boy friend nor my wife because I needed both of them.

As the feelings between me and my boy friend became deeper, I realized our relation was threatening my married life to some extent, “did I really want to get farther?” I wondered.

When the passion was over, it was me, my boyfriend and a family to support.” should I choose between them or like before I had to make a choice?” this was the question always bugging me.

When my in-laws decided to pay us a visit, I was sure I didn’t want my boyfriend around because I needed some time for explaining and making my own excuses. I was afraid of their reaction because feeling retarded wasn’t anything on my menu this time.

Unfortunately things didn’t go on the way I wanted and my in-laws met my boyfriend before I could defend my feelings.

To my surprise they treated me as usual, even better than before. As far as I could love my family unintentionally, there was no problem loving another one the same sex.

I’m thankful to my wife and her family for accepting me the way I am, not the way I pretended.  Surely it may sound more bisexual than homosexual when you try to love both sex but when the love is different, you’re only interested in your own wife and no other woman, but your boy friend can be replaced with some better guys, you certainly are a fag and you have to deal with it.

And I’ve been wondering about so many homophobic people surrounding the gay society.

“Why is it so hard to accept someone else the way they are, not the way you want?”

“What’s wrong with loving someone the same sex?”

“Are they afraid of a big homosexual society with no kids in it?”

“Ain’t this world too populated that a GLBT society won’t be a threat?”

“Why is it so disgusting to have gay couples among your friends?”

“Which one is a bigger sin: throwing your own child outta family for his/ her sexuality or incest sex?”

I hate those jackass people pretending they agree with all those homosexual thoughts but when they find out their teenage boy is seriously in love with another boy, they make him leave his house or change his mind.

Ain’t it too stupid for the same citizen not having the same rights when he/she marries with someone the same sex?

I know it was a lot harder for my in-laws to accept my sexuality but they did; and now I have to fight for my own rights against my aunts and uncles.

A married couple has definite right, what’s the difference between a straight marriage and same-sex marriage?!

I don’t know whether it is religions that make people allergic to homosexuals or they’re perverts who can’t handle their own shit.

I know there is something very wrong in the American society and it’s something that can be fixed. 

Why no one at school tells homosexual teenagers how to handle their feelings and have safe sex with the ones they love? Wouldn’t it be much easier to control AIDS without anti-homosexual education at schools?

I rest my case; weekend’s coming and I have to think of a way to get rid of my boyfriend or I have to do as he says cos I lost the bet.

 

 

does  it sound lame if i say i never had an accident , or at least not anything that i was the guilty driver?!

so last morning me & J were going to work and he was driving slowly (let’s say over 90 mph) and suddenly bang!

nobody hurt, no animal killed, nothing much serious except the fact i had a heart attack and all the hair all over my body went straight.  if only there was something to spray called “after shock”.

and i dunno who gave those mothafukcers driving license. And J was lucky it wasn’t his fault or i have shot him dead right there and ran away and then the cops ran after me and i said i didn’t shoot him cos i loved him so much then they caught my in-laws and surely they’d say we loved him more than our own son-in-law who’s a real asshole,then they would think the murderer was one of his old clients and no pro writes down who they fucked each day and they don’t pay any tax so why should i pay so much and i don’t smoke anymore cos they wanna increase the tax on cigarette and i don’t fucking care what the hell they do with that money but well i care and that’s my money they waste on killing innocent people and who told those bitches to go to other countries and fire their shitty missiles and yeah those bitches are probably my friends and why am i so crazy to hate them, huh?! my own bastard brother wanna join army? i’m gonna shoot him right now and how many people have i killed yet? i must be a chain killer* and this place is so hot and the iditarod 2007 is over and i couldn’t believe i cried cos i lost the bet to my shitty boy friend and i dunno what the hell he wanna do with me but gotta wait till the end of the week

and what caused so much trouble?!!!

of course that drunk driver who hit his truck against ours and i wish him death but well nothing serious happened.

FUCK Jeff King he wasn’t among the top 3, i have to cry cos i’m afraid of the weekend, i’m going to run away to another country, may be Canadah cos J seems to have some devilish plans for me **

Lance Mackey shouts for joy under the burled arch in Nome after winning the 2007 Iditarod Sled Dog Race on Tuesday March 13, 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance Mackey, of Fairbanks, Alaska, drives his dog team toward the final Iditarod checkpoint of Safety on Tuesday, March 13, 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

This guy may be the most excited winner in Iditarod history…..

the last ranking:

1 Lance Mackey (13)

and i’m gonna be in that race next year, and 10-12 dogs running after me, can i run that far?!!***

*. chain killer= serial killer (made by me as a kid)

**. never bet on stupid things with stupid people. J couldn’t believe he won the bet and now i really don’t know what’s going on his dirty mind. “The winner can be the master of the loser for a day”. ain’t that bet too stupid?! if you didn’t hear of me  next week, surely something very bad have happened to J!

***. the other day a cow-orker ran to me asking whether i blog or not, i said” think i do, so?”  and he told me about here and i denied that i have so much time to waste. he wasn’t satisfied by my answer, but he went and never looked back again, probably afraid of being killed accidentally!

it annoys me when people search my name and get right here and i left so much clues for people ready to hunt me but till now my in-laws and close relatives never said anything about here, i hope they never do or me & J get into real trouble!

 

 

 

Iditarod sled dog race leader Jeff King stands backwards on his sled as he crosses the 90 mile Kaltag portage before arriving in the coastal village of Unalakleet, Mar. 11, 2007.

the last time i checked the news , i got this

rank musher (bib)

A big FUCK!

and me & J started a new week together cos I  found him a job in the place i work, so at lunch times we can escape to the men’s room for some passionate kisses and a few fucks hihihi

apart from the so many good news i received, I found my lil sis’ mail telling me she’s gonna get married soon. it’s been a while we didn’t have much time for each other but i think she’s gonna have no time from now on and i’m really happy for her.

as i manage to slow down my stressful life, there are many things waiting for moderation.

sooner or later we’re going back to our little city with less work and more time for ourselves and friends and here comes the question: Would i ask J to come with us?

i still need some time to ponder and i’m gonna write my decision when it’s final cos i don’t have the energy for arguments and reasoning.

hhmm about the title, it was in my blogstats and i could swear it’s been written by my dad-in-law but well that’s too late for him to search a way to get rid of me 🙂

and do i let a boy with bipolar disorder to be my daughter’s boy friend? nope. it’s not because people with bipolar disorder are terrible, you shouldn’t give the chance to making a baby with that sickness cos the shit is too much to deal with and that’s really selfish of a parent!

time for a joke, this place’s been so creepy the last few days

“A Normal Person”

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor.. “A normal
person would use the bucket because it’s bigger
than the spoon or the teacup?”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window
or close to the door?” (reality sucks, right?)

did i mention my in-laws arrived here the other day?

and did i write about J being the one who picked them up from the airport?

and did you know i’m still alive and probably my in-laws gonna love my boyfriend more than me?

this world is crazy and so do i!

i’m hungry, actually i’m starving, i’m dying and they won’t bury me here cos everywhere is covered with ice and i have no chance of getting buried!

AND Jeff King is on top of the mushers’ list and i those who’re interested in K-300 know who he is.

this iditarod 2007 race is getting exciting, i should have signed up but then i was the one pulling the sled and a pile of dogs chasing me!

keep sane, i try to keep insane.

*.if you didn’t receive any e-card this weekend, mail me so i’m gonna send you one!

time to wash the dishes and may be eat.

To eat or not to eat?!! no that’s not a question to consider, the important thing is: to puke or not to puke!!

**. to the new readers: though i have a boyfriend, i’m not a cute girl, so don’t send me Viagra messages!

Sitting all alone on my bed, huddling under the blanket, hearing noises from the living-room and sobbing as quiet as possible; I try to think of reasons.

I’m judge and jury and executioner too and I’m  that usual con. “Guilty,  tie him to that fukcing ‘lectric chair”

“Lump it or like it, I can’t be someone else, at most I can be myself.”

1.How can she smile to such a disgusting man? How can she run happily to such a bastard and call him “dad”?

2.How can she love all those endless arguments? How can she tolerate so many mistakes and lie to herself “He’s gonna change. He’s gonna apologize.”

3. Why he never protested? How could be on my side the many times he knew I was the trouble myself? Why he tries to protect me against my own relatives? Why he wants to be dad instead of dad-in-law?

4. She never hated me but she finds it difficult to love me. She tries to understand me though i could never understand myself. It was so weird to see her kissing me and telling me everything  is gonna be fine!

5. No matter how much i try to avoid him, he wanna be included. I told him we can be partners if he promises not to come to my house and now I dunno what the fuck he is doing here!

********************

Unfortunately i know the answers to my questions: I’m not as bad as I think or as disgusting as the image i try to illustrate.

Alexis loves me cos I’m her dad, may be I’m not the best dad she could have but I love her so much that it neutralize my terrible habits to some extent. She’s too small to pretend she loves me, she’s so innocent to know how to lie. So when she bang on the door non-stop  calling me and pronouncing some crazy weird words that only her mom understands, she has reasons to love her dad!

I love Meg and she loves me, that must be the reason i wear that ring on my left hand. The other reasons are surely private!

Dad-in-law never tried to be my dad cos he knows that my dad was/is/ will be my idol and I won’t replace him with anyone but at least he can love me like his own silly son. So I thank him for being on my side many times.

Mom-in-law and me, me & mom-in-law. Urgh I dunno why both of us try to insist we’re in-laws and we have no other reason to talk to each other. BUT today she was different, she didn’t avoid me, she didn’t want to call me the source of misery. All she said was that everything is gonna be fine.

And the boy friend, i really have NFI what the hell he’s doing in my house right now, specially chatting with my in-laws. I must be a shameless man to let him stay. Well, apparently nobody has any problem with him so why should I!? May be he’s the next candidate for marrying Meg.

And I must get that fucking grip on me-self. I’ve been too much responsible!

I have 3 more weeks to work, I have 2 weeks off and I have to get ready for my first wedding anniversary (yes I remember it! 😉 )  so I have no reason to feel blue.

Conclusion: It’d be better to stop liking a real asshole (that’s gospel truth!). Stop writing so much crap, take a shower, shave and join my family. A dinner out won’t be a bad idea, let’s see who wanna pay the bill!!!

And congrats to all Delta inhabitants, King is in the second place of top mushers! (yeah, Fuck Buser for being and staying the first!)*

*. While others write about NHL,NBA, NASCAR,…. Why shouldn’t I write about Iditarod 2007?!!!

**. I have used capital letters at last!

***. URRGGGHHHH, this boy smells, go take a bath hell boy, Spank, Kick!

****. It’s cloudy and rainy outside and surely every where’s still covered with ice and mush. I wonder how it is like in other parts of the world! Any sign of spring?!

An Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race musher drives his team across the frozen wind-swept tundra on the trail between the Ophir checkpoint and the Iditarod, Alaska, checkpoint, Mar. 8, 2007.

romanheart.jpg

*:”thanks, it was a good night. we’re gonna meet again, right?”

# counting the extras:”yeah sure, why not?”

*:”can we meet this saturday?”

#:”let’s discuss it later, i gotta check my calender.”

*:”k, bye then.”

and how much i hated idiot johns like, *, when trying to act nothing has happened and ending their conversation with nice words.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Being tied to the bed, struggling with the pain, looking for a way to get rid of the addiction: I HAD ENOUGH TIME TO THINK, to review, to remind myself who i was, who i am and who i will be.

i wasn’t born a whore, actually i had one of those wonderful families with caring parents. my best mate was my dad and sometimes i feel he was the only one in this world i felt so close. both my parents were graduated from good universities, we weren’t rich but almost alway i had whatever i wanted so i’m quite spoiled.i went to good schools but most of ’em cramming religious stuff to weekly lessons. i read bible and went to church every Sunday.

i was so dependent to my parents, suddenly my house of dreams turned into ruin, i had no where to go, i was lost and nobody cared cos i was old enough to stand on my own feet and i hated God. i remembered all those fucking moral lessons so i took the road going left cos it was said the road on the right side ended to his fucking paradise.

Sex, the big taboo in my life then looked so fascinating. i could see all roads ended there and though painful the first time it still looked mysterious and and inner will asked me to give it another chance to exist.

some thought i was genius, i ignored them. but in the end i was the one who got the scholarship to prove that i didn’t need anyone’s help or sympathy, to prove i wanted my uncle dead, to prove he wasn’t my dad so he had no right to decide for me, to prove i was better than him and to prove i could do terrible things to his family right under his nose without him noticing. & it was no pleasure when after so many years i told him me and his daughter fucked each other more than he could count, it was a silly revenge that cost me a dirty soul that could never been cleaned.

the first time i did it the only reason was being too drunk and too curious but later i did it for the money. it’s easy to say, it looks like nothing when you watch in those XXX movies but actually the very first times are not that easy. you’re just selling your body to worthless drunkards who hardly remember their own names to gain what? just 50$ if lucky.

you could smell alcohol on my breath and i denied drinking; you could see empty syringe by my bed and i found it insulting to be considered a junkie, you could see the cum dripping from my butt and i refused to admit being a cheap  pro.  and how silly i was.

I don’t remember how i survived; well i do but i don’t wanna recall.

my soul is restless, my brain switches between moods and feelings so quickly sometimes my body can’t adjust and i found a few reasons to explain my bad behavior, the best and the most favorite is suffering from bipolar disorder. WTF! those who’re familiar with it, know it can be a trigger but not a reason, so i’m a shameless lier.

And the pain, sometimes it gets so intense i wanna die and well that’s the thing i want most of my days.

it was so ridiculous they didn’t fire me from university and it was a worse joke telling me i was graduated!

i loved kids but never thought of having one of my own, i enjoyed dating girls, calling some of them “girl friend” but i never wanted a female creature in my life, even the sex with them was a mean of masturbatory  aid. Getting my ass involved in a straight marriage was never on my list.  And i always tried to look at guys as a mean for earning easy money, how could i love a guy when the word gay wasn’t defined in my homophobic dictionary!

i still remember my first serious relation with a guy, we weren’t of the same kind yet i loved him. i still remember the feeling of envy i had meeting the gay couple living on the last story of the little creepy place i shared with a black guy.

She must be a magician, she must have poisoned me, she must have stolen my soul and made me dependent to her breath to live another moment. she slipped into my life quietly, introducing herself as a room mate. then she named herself a “good shoulder to cry on”. and now she owns me or at least she as my soul though there are times she can’t own my body or mind.

she looked so much like a human,  so she deceived me easily into handing her the key to my heart. my heart was filled with hatred, she cleaned it and put her love there. i told her there shouldn’t be any girl in my heart cos i was so gay, she smiled and said:”homosexuality is a choice” i betrayed her, hit her, cheated on her, insulted her. she stared at my eyes telling me my eyes were still innocent.

i left her to meet some fresh guys, to heal my gay feelings, to prove myself that my heart had no place for her, she showed me a very little ugly creature and called it “my child.

i told her that child wasn’t mine, it was a bastard. she gave me reasons i couldn’t deny. she said the baby wasn’t a bastard cos she had a dad and i was her dad. i told her i wasn’t born  to be a parent. she insisted and i told her i’d rather die than being her dad. i didn’t want to be her dad so i tried to kill her dad. why i survived, i still don’t know; may be it was her prayers that saved my shitty life.

i left her with her ugly child, looking for more guys to fuck, to sooth the never ending hunger of my inner lust. i enjoyed working in a gay bar, the money wasn’t so good but at least i could show my lustful body.

she prayed and prayed and prayed nights and days not to have me back but to save my soul. So i met a very hot guy that the first thing i wanted to do was to rip his pants off and  do his ass. he turned out to be my guardian angel, so pure i never dared touching him and he kicked my ass really hard that when with lotta trouble i managed to stand on my own feet, i was walking in a path full of lights, it was the right path i didn’t take years ago to show Mr. almighty i wasn’t his puppet.

i tried to be someone else, to love Mr. almighty, to love his creatures, to love my soul. it was a good experience i have to admit. Islam was a good inhibitor for me that put a big “don’t touch” sign on many things. i enjoyed some of them so i’m gonna stick to them for the rest of my life. But it seems i was born gay if not slut.

i was sure there won’t be any human being on this planet that could love me; i was wrong! and i hurt many of those caring humans. i tried to be as straight as possible but that’s not on my list. i love my boy friend but not as much as my family. and i enjoyed his escorting job though it was very sick for a married man that no matter i enjoy fucking random genius guys, i put it on my “never-done-again” list.

And i spent the rest of the night thinking and thinking and thinking. Thinking about the girl who enchanted me with her never-ending love. i even went through some old blog entries and i dunno who the fuck writes like this on his wedding day:

let’s stop for a second, kick everyone around then shout as loud as you can.

life’s so boringly mysterious.

congrats to myself.

i ate 2 ice-creams; watched Marilyn Manson, Korn & Kittie for 3-4 hours & finished my template.

beside that i only slept 2 hours cos i couldnt sleep!

wow im so happy. have a terrible headache; feel everything’s spinning round my head & see everything in the style of 3 year ol’ kids drawings!

could i have a better day than this!

let’s rock the world, i wanna turn the speakers up so i can shake the whole house, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, i love ittttttttttttt! (shout please)

im gonna make you, shake you ,take you, im ganna be the one who breaks youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

& this for the day after his marriage:

when nightmares come true

marilyn manson(the nobodies).JPG

i always thought of a time machine when i was a little boy; i didnt want it to go to past but to future.

i really wanted to know what would happen to me when i grow up.

obviously if we knew what’s waiting for us in the future,…….. fill the rest the way you like!

i aint gonna say anymore.

 i have a calender hanging in my room & it shows april 6th 2006; omg that means im getting older each day; there’s no time machine & as a result no future !lol

jus imagine if one of your nightmares come true; how would you feel?

if you could choose which nightmare come true, what would you choose?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while & the conclusion is my real nightmare had come true without me noticing!

seems i missed the point; no other chance to choose.

ok better change this guy singing foolishly in my ears; he’s driving me crazy.

i’m sick of myself cos i don’t wanna confess i didn’t mention Alexis existence before deciding to have another baby and there are lots of more not to be mentioned!

and now my wife’s colleagues refer to me as a caring dad and a responsible husband, if only they knew what a devil lives behind that innocent mask!

all i want now is to get rid of this excruciating pain and get back to work, finish my fucking contract and go back to where i belon. somewhere i have more time to play with my little girl and annoy my wife!

*. if you know what kinda creature i am, please let me know!

caution: this is a long post and probably i won’t post tomorrow so read this as much as you like and leave the rest for the next day  :-)if i wanna summarize my life this week it would be something like this:

1. spent an hour after work with my boy friend as described in some previous post

2. the next day Meg called me at work telling me i’d better go home a.s.a.p. cos something had happened to Alexis but she didn’t tell me what it was no matter how much i insisted.
my fucking boss didn’t want to let me go cos i still had an incomplete report on my desk. cut the long story short. i had to drive 1.5 hours to get home and nobody answered the phone at home, i dunno how other people feel in these situations but i felt horrible and i thought of all the bad things i could think of. at last i called J and told him go find Meg no matter how hard it was.
he’s such a dear friend, he called me as i took route … saying that there wasn’t anything serious but it’d be better to stop by the hospital.
i was really terrified and felt extremely miserable. i know i have no right to think of horrible things but that’s the way my mind works, it thinks of the worst possible situations. i dunno whether it was me who found J or the other way round, in a flash of light Alexis was in my arms, her little foot & arm wrapped in bandage and daddy looking for somewhere to buy her “yum” (a word for gum made by her)
i really spoiled her or as one of Meg’s colleagues said, she’s so dependent on her dad.
Alexis is doing fine now , she even woke up the next day to say bye to daddy and Meg took a day off to watch our little disaster.
you know Alexis is a real cute, lively, mobile disaster,;her mom was trying to make her some eggs when this lady asked for “loolet” (she’s addicted to chocolates like her dad, fuck her bad dad then!)
you know she repeats one word continuously till you’re really up the wall and wanna shut her mouth up, she looks sweet at first but extremely annoying some times.
so she asked her mom to give her “loolet” and her mom told her she can’t have any cos she had a big bar of chocolate  in the morning.
she cried and shouted and disturbed her mom that outta nowhere the burning fried egg fell on her arm and foot. thanks heaven nothing happened to her face and the burning is not severe.
when i arrived she was crying and Meg looked like a very worried mom so much like this *~* LOL
thanks God nothing serious happened, we’re very lucky parents, ain’t we?

3. the following day: i’m not this kinda lazy irresponsible parent but as far as i am a human, +60 hours works put lotta stress that i can’t tolerate normally, let alone enjoying one of those depressive episodes that i always have trouble digging outta ’em in very happy times of my life. in addition,there’s Miss naughty Alexis and the mess she makes and the fact that i do love my daughter more than my wife and other people in this fucking world!(should i mention i have to worry about my wife too?!)

i added a few more items to worry about cos apparently the stress and tension wasn’t enough for me.

a) the aforementioned friend of mine who has AIDS and i have to call him every so often to make sure he’s doing fine.

b) a teenage co-worker that lives with her old granny two houses away from mine. she’s a good girl, just 18 years old but really sick of her life and i have to show her that she has a lot to do with her life, or there’s no reason to hate her parents though they are such assholes dumping their own child to look for their own pleasure (her life’s a good soap that can bring tears to your eyes easily) & the ridiculous thing is i’m not the appropriate person to advise her cos i’m too suicidal myself 😉

c) J, he’s worrying me to death and as long as i blame myself on his current situation i have to help him. i told him we can be partners and friends if he quit escorting and drinking ( i let him smoke cos i sometimes do it myself so i cant ask him quit something i still do). he accepted my terms beside some other personal requests and then he had lotta  free time doing nothing so i should help him find a job no matter what it was just to keep him busy then he could find a good job later and i did help him find a job in the company i work for.

d) my relatives including my granny and brothers & in-laws. it’s so silly i miss my in-laws badly.

surely i’m not a good shoulder to lean on, and actually this much stress was more than i could tolerate.

So today i made lotta terrible mistakes like: doing wrong tests on wrong samples, confusing ASTM, DIN & EN standards. calling a cold worked sheet with 1.25% lead CK06 then typed 13% carbon in its element analysis and a lot more.

till lunch time i have fought and argued with any living creature in the section i work and i called my boss very bad names (yes i’m not really polite but i never call somebody that way!) and i had piles of reports to be handed before 2 pm, i felt dizzy, confused and the headache was killing me and not to mention other problems i had with my body for several days. it was my worst working day and i was turning it too unbearable for others.

i handed most of the reports and then went for the lunch cos i felt so sick and couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore. i even spent a good fucking 10 minutes in the men’s room puking and i didn’t feel any better.

when i got back to my desk, my boss was waiting for me so i readied myself for a good verbal fight. to my surprise he panted on my shoulder and told me it’d be better to go home and let others finish everything[ this guy didn’t let me go home a bit early last night when i was hell worried for Alexis]

the fact was that J had talked to my boss and gave him 1000 reasons why i felt and acted so bad, even apologizing him on behalf of me.

getting bored? ok read the rest tomorrow, i’m gonna continue cos i have to organize my brain.

me & J went to my fukcing doc, the lovely guy i was supposed to meet last week but i was too busy to waste sometime on myself. at least i’ve taken the blood, lithium… tests last week but i didn’t get the answers, but J did.

What i have done to my body: the feeling of decaying from inside was sorta true cos actually i was taking too much lithium* (a little more than15-20mg per kg of body weight) cos of losing 2 lbs! this wasn’t a serious case of intoxication and i’m doing a bit better.  worse than that some wise guy called me took lotta sleeping pills and pain killers in the past few months for different reasons that i got a positive for being a junkie.

yeah i know i have gone way too far from my limits for no good reason. surely keeping our house is not worth any of these.

so: i’m gonna take tomorrow off to spend a while with my doc thinking of a way to return things to what is called “normal” and i’m gonna have a hard time again!  then i’m going back to work next week no matter what happens and after that i have 2 fucking weeks off to fuck myself and any random guy (not really) then back to my shitty life again.

at the moment i’m enjoying one of those super awake times, so i think i’d better do something or read my “paradise lost” or may be wake J up after midnight and then call my bros and it’s gonna be a long night and i feel so sick, all i want is puke my brain and stomach!

aha, at last i managed to put a musher’s pic here,this is Ramey Smyth’s team arriving at the McGrath checkpoint on the Kuskokwim River on Wednesday morning.

iditarod.jpg

and how much i miss Kuskokwim 😦 , i cant imagine i’ve been living  in this icy hell for almost a year now, time to pee! if you feel bored and can’t sleep or don’t have much to do, i’d be glad receiving some e+mail.**

*. check these on google or other places if you wanna know more about lithium:Carbolith®, Cibalith-S®, Duralith®, Eskalith®, Lithane®, Lithizine®, Lithobid®, Lithonate®, Lithotabs® and Maniprex®

**.i’m not really feeling good.

note about me: been chatting with a few guys and gals and some asked me questions that i think i have to answer:

1. i live in Anchorage, Alaska with my family not my boy friend who i love lots!

2. lithium carbonate is a mood stabilizer  prescribed for people with bipolar disorder (check other posts or simply google it if you don’t know what kinda bitch it is!)

3. as said before, i have a degree in materials science and engineering and my job is nothing secret so i copy paste part of my e-mail to a dear friend of mine telling what i do for the living:i work for a material research center.
we have different sections like polymer, SEM & STEM,XRD, analytical chemistry, chemistry, foundry, quanta-metry , mechanical metallurgy and metallography.
it’s gonna take a day long to tell you what each part do but generally speaking we analyze the elements , grains, crystalline and casting structure, testing mechanical properties…. for metals and some polymers.
i work in the mechanical section, each material specifically metals and alloys have their own standards, we work with ASTM (american standard) most of the times but sometimes we have to try it with DIN (for germany) JSI (japanese) Euro-norm, BS (british) & a few more i cant remember at the moment, aha we use API for gas pipes and some other standards for beams, rods….
in each standard the preparation of samples are explained like the length of gages and airs  in  tensile samples.
we do many tests like impact (charpy & izod), tensile, bending, proof load, nick break, cupping …. to determine several characteristics of materials like U.T.S (ultimate tensile stress) or Y.S.  and see if our samples meet the properties in the standards.
for steels we use a special book called “key to steels” and there’s something quite like that for wrought aluminum, cast irons have their own standards.
there are a lot more we do but i think it’s gonna bore you, i just wanted to give you a brief view of what i exactly do.
that’s for my job and generally about material engineering, surely it’s a lot more than that.
actually in material engineering, experience talks  first then it’s the knowledge and books, so the more experienced you are, the more money you earn. it’s sorta empirical science but i like to learn more in designing molds and simulations. i think that’s what i wanna study later for my master’s.

*. under 18? get outta here right now, i wrote this post yesterday but i dunno what the fcuk is wrong with my other blog, i can load any page except the writing page. some might not like this but it’s actually based on my time with my boyfriend having fun & me trying to improve my writing skills ;-)*************

The silver sky slowly turned into darker colors as I looked outside the window.
“Just one more hour and then I can be home, this time earlier than the other days.” I wondered.
It was just another 1.5-hour drive on icy slippery roads and then a warm welcoming house and a hot delicious dinner were waiting for me. So I pressed the gas pedal harder to speed up.
My cell phone was ringing non-stop and it was really driving me up the wall.
I pulled over to the shoulder to see who was the one dying to talk to me.
“Hallo, who’s buggin’ me?” I asked.
“Do you mind stoppin’ an hour by my little hut of yours?” the voice from the other end asked. I took a look at my watch, I could be home an hour later than expected and it was still earlier than other nights so I replied:” ok, I ma’give you some time” the caller thanked and hung up.
I parked my truck and ran to his door as if I was late but actually I was 10 minutes early.
The place looked pretty dark except the candle lights waving dimly at passers-by. I looked around, no one was out there in the dark, I pushed the door open and there he was sitting on the sofa watching T.V.
“Hey, jus one hour and that’s all. So whydya call?” I said.
He smiled widely, turning his head to me:” hi babe, you’re a bit early so can we spend more time together?”
“Nope, you know the rules!” I frowned.
He looked quite disappointed: “Deal, jus one fucking hour; and should I pay first?”
Grinning happily I said:” we’re gonna discuss it later!”
He put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me closer so I could smell his scent that is something enchanting for me.
I tried to say something about what I felt but he put his tender lips on mine and gave me no chance to talk.
I parted my lips and let him slip his tongue into my waiting mouth, our tongued danced happily together, I tasted his sweet lips and then entered his mouth, I could feel the freshness there, and the whole sensation was great.
We stopped for a while trying to stare at each others eyes and reading thoughts.
I couldn’t stay like that for long, I whispered “I love you babe” and I licked his cheeks then bit his luscious lips.
“Umm you taste good but we have just one hour to be together” I told him as I was running my fingers round his neck.
He tried to lick my lips as I tried to get away from him.
“Fuck it; I thought you didn’t mind spending a few hours with me.” He claimed.
I smiled looking at his dark blue eyes,” I’d love to but that’s gonna cost you more, may be your head for instance!”
“Fuck yo, if you have to go, and then let’s hurry up!” I agreed and he grabbed my hand and led me to his dark bedroom.
Blinking a few times, we were used to the darkness inside the bedroom and we could see things pretty well.
“You’re a real whore.” He whispered to my ear.
I said:” I know” then kissed his neck, grabbed his sweater and pulled it. I wanted to go for his jeans but he took my hands away, going for his drawer and taking a box of condoms from there.

I went for the lights, the darkness was great but I wanted to see what we were doing.
In a flash of light we got rid of the things covering our bodies.
Both took a deep breath and simultaneously shouted:” you’re so hard”
It was funny both of us were so horny.
“I’ve been thinking of you all day” he said as he pushed me on his comfy bed.
“So did me” I paused then went on: “let’s get down to business then, heads or tails”
“I think heads” he answered thoughtfully.
“Sure?” I asked.
“Yeah, go on” he said lying on the bed beside me.
I moved between his legs, touching his knees then I touched his thighs several times before squeezing his balls with my fingers.
“stop playing, get into action” he asked.
I licked top of his beautiful cock, then making circles on the head and licking the whole length.
he grabbed my head and shouted:” do your job now or you won’t get any!”
I took a look at a clock hanging on the wall, he was right, time was passing so fast.
I bit & licked his cock a few times and then I let it slip in my hungry mouth ready to feel his hard cock.
I had to try several times before I could take him completely, as soon as he was fully in my mouth; we found a rhythm of a good fuck.
He fucked my mouth for several minutes, we were breathing hard, and then he said:” I can’t hold it anymore, I’m cumming”
I sucked him harder, bit him a few times and there was no return for him, his muscles tightened and I tasted his juices in my mouth, it was a strong load I almost choked on his shot.
He collapsed on the bed; I took a deep breath then moved to him, rubbing my painful cock on his body, I was so hard, harder than the time I stepped into his place.
I inserted my tongue into his mouth and let him taste his own juice.
Tasting his own sperm, I could feel his member stiffening again. I put my hand on his groin, moving it up and down; he closed his eyes and let out a deep moan.
I kissed him on his lips, my hand still jerking him off, and then kissed his cheeks.
I moved down to his little hard nipples, I sucked his right nipple and played with the left one, my other hand still working on his hard cock.
I slowed down and put my weight on my elbows so I could take a look at his face.
He was enjoying himself, his eyes closed and panting heavily. I moved down again and started sucking his wonderful dick standing proud and hard.
I slipped a finger in his hole.
“How do you feel?” I asked
He tried to say something but it looked so hard as I inserted another finger into his tight ass.
I sucked his cock one more time, and then pulled my fingers away.
“Bitch finger-fuck me right now” he ordered.
I grabbed his balls again and squeezed them really hard; he let out a loud groan.
I put his cock in my mouth, inserting2 fingers into his ass, this time fucking him really hard.
He grabbed my head again pushing it hard against his balls, I was sucking him really hard and my fingers couldn’t go any farther. I put the third finger in his hole and he couldn’t take it any longer. He came as intense as the first time.
I licked the last drop of cum, this time I swallowed every drop. Then kissed him on the lips and jumped outta bed, I got dressed as quickly as possible, but I have to struggle with my hard-on, it didn’t want to go inside my pants.
I waved him good-bye and kissed him again, he looked exhausted.
“Wish you had more time” he said sadly, putting his hand on my hard thing trying to stroke it.
I gasped for some air, “may be next time, and tonight was jus yours and I have one more place to go.”
We kissed each other one last time and I headed for the door.

a while ago i could say what was the wrongest thing i ever done in my life but now i’m not sure anymore
i know having sex with my own cousin was so wrong, i know quitting university before getting my master’s was so wrong, i know drinking alcohol was so wrong, i know doing drugs was so wrong (may be even toking that bad habit of mine that cant get rid of it really is wrong too!)
may be marrying meg was the wrongest. i knew i was gay from day one but i tried to deny it(just like having bipolar disorder). i know im a worthless exhibitionist cos im half naked standing infronna the window most of the year and more than that i enjoy stripping for strangers , i know i love baby alexis (this is a fatherly feeling). i know i had a few boy friends that turned my life into a real hell (but every one may meet & love wrong people), i know i hate gang bangs (cos i hate crowded places-more than 3-). i know though 3 & 4 somes were my fantasies once, in reality it was utter shit and pain.
i know i sometimes enjoy being a whore and yet there are many things i don’t know but there’s this fact : i cant be a wonderful gay daddy and i cant stay gay and have Meg as well.
may be this makes some people who care happy, me and J broke up or as he says ” i dumped him”. i dont wanna blame him on anything, it was all my fault, he was a nice guy but i shouldn’t let him in this much, may be we were sharing love and passion we weren’t suppose to share intimate things like family, wife, baby.
it was my own stupidity or his eagerness to have a share in everything. as far as i know Meg never let him get too close to her, an arm round the waist was ok but more than that she always got up and went to another room to do the things she prenteded that must be done instantly.
i think she wasn’t much interested in our moans and groans and it wasn’t a turn-on to watch another guy fucking the legs off her husband. yes i should have known all these but men are not that understanding until you give them clear clues or tell them what you really think.
i really hated myself when i told Meg about breaking up with J and she embraced me so tight bursting into tears and sobbing hard, i felt sorry for her.  i told myself “look bitch, what have you done to her!”
i’m so used to analyzing my own feelings to find out how real they are, may be it’s a bipolar habit of mine but i cant analyze my love to Meg, i have NFI about it, may be it’s because she wasn’t my girl-friend in the first place, may be it’s still that brotherly-sisterly promise we made long time ago that keep us together or may be it’s because of Alexis.i dunno and i don’t care to know any more.

but for me being gay now sounds like a choice and not something natural. there must be a reason it same sex affairs are forbidden in many religions and cultures.

i’m not sure what i really wanna do from now on. obviously i have that feeling and chemistry for guys that cant be ignored.

i even tried to find some hot girls for a fuck to confirm being straight or at least bi but they make me sick to death.

so i’ve decided not to force myself or Meg into choosing something hurriedly, i wanna think and i don’t wanna deny i still feel so dammed gay but let’s spend a while with my wife than dating guys and see what’s gonna happen next!

so the other day, i mean last night, as usual we had our gathering in a little restaurant not far from where we live.
i have to mention it’s been snowing ice and shit (something like cats and dogs!) for a while and as a result of my worst nightmare, i never drive in snowy nights (the reason is obvious, take a few seconds to think of it!) so we let J do the driving and parking & living in Ak, the biggest state of US of A, there ain’t much difference in finding a parking lot unless you have a “disabled” number and I’m not a proved disabled or they don’t count bi polars as mentally disabled guys!
we went in (we: me, Meg & Alexis) & waited but after 10 minutes there was no sign of my fella, J. so we thought he might be killed in action.
after waiting a few more minutes, i decided to live the warm comfy place and look for my missing body, hoping to hear his death report soon probably killed by some hungry bears.
and there came my baby koala, so me and Alexis went outside standing in the snow and singing “Mary had a little fucking lamb” cos she loves that song and walking here and there to avoid being frozen.
alas, there was no sign of J and i was pretty sure that my homosexual nightmares were over and i could get back to my not very straight life, so i hugged Alexis, ran a few yards away from the door to make sure he was dead, then back to the restaurant to ask Meg call him or call 911 when i heard someone calling my name.
as long as it was only me & Alexis on the street, the voice was surely calling me, so i pressed my brake pedal and turned around looking for the source of noise.
i was sorta petrified cos i couldn’t believe my own eyes, fuck my photographic memory, i can hardly remember names and numbers but faces and events stick in my mind for years (& nope it’s not good cos there are many things i wish i could forget but they run infronna my eyes in the undesirable moments)
She was pretty older than i could imagine, well i haven’t met her for more than 15 years but her voice was the same and as strict as ever. once again i felt like the little naughty elementary student i was & god knows how naughty i were, i was a living disaster but i think i would have behaved better if i had known what was waiting for me in the future.
she was my 4th grade teacher, though it was very hard to please her, she’d been the best teacher i ever had.
once i drove my mom really crazy and she threatened me she’s gonna tell Mrs. X, i locked myself up in my room and didn’t talk to my mom for a day; it’s so vague but i think Mrs. X told me something that later i apologized my mom & some years later mom told me actually she had talked to my teacher and she told her not to argue with me a lot, i was just an energetic genius boy & one day she’s gonna be proud of me.
I’m no more energetic nor genius, may be i could become some one to be proud of if i stayed in university but i didn’t and i dunno how my mom feel about me but i guess i didn’t bring shame on my family.
ooopppss back to last night, i was really surprised cos it’s been more than 6 years that we had lost our contact ; i used to send her mails (not e-mails!) when we moved to another city the next year and we kept in touch till me & her moved to another place at the same time and we had no chance to find each other again and to be honest it’s been a while I’ve forgotten her;-)
yeah, last night, i know!
so after being petrified i woke up again with Alexis squeaky voice, yes she wanted to be introduced 😆
and Mrs. X was over-excited by the extremely cute baby girl i have so she wanted to see her mom so i asked her to join us for dinner so we went in and all those greetings and boring introduction blah blah blah and yes she said i was too lucky to have Meg (fuck it , is it that obvious?!?!)
and i forgot the existence of J when outta nowhere this poisonous mushroom jumped in our little happy company.
after exchanging a few passionate words like where the fcuk you’d been or bitch, didn’t you promised not to smoke, we came to the point of introduction so i said:” this is J, my….. ” and i couldn’t think of a proper word after so many lovely words Mrs X said about having your own family and what a darling family we were, she left no place for my boy friend and thanks to Meg for helping me in the last moment.
“he’s bellboy’s best bud” -yeah that’s it!-
the rest was boring just eating and reviewing old days and telling my wife what a terrible troublesome kid i was that i wished i could drown myself in the glass of coke infronna me cos blushes weren’t enough!
in the end we exchanged addresses and numbers and asked her to come visit us next weekend.
conclusion1: ignore your old teachers when you’re out with your boyfriend!
conclusion2: i love being so gay and still being married to a very straight wonderful woman,(to her: baby, i love yo)

Hey, Everybody: By now you’ve no doubt heard the news that America’s favorite crystal-meth-snorting, male-escort-blowing evangelical Christian pastor is cured! While 99.9 percent of wannabe ex-gays struggle to overcome their homosexuality for decades, Ted Haggard was pronounced “completely heterosexual” after just 21 days of counseling! Don’t you just love a happy ending?

I’d love to devote a whole column to Haggard—there’s just so much to process. For instance, according to the ministers overseeing Haggard’s treatment, Ted was able to “discover” his complete heterosexuality so quickly because his homosexual activity was never “constant.” By that standard I’ve been completely heterosexual since, gee, about 10 minutes after 2:00 this morning.

Yippee! I’m completely heterosexual, too! And as everyone knows, once you’re completely heterosexual all your troubles are over. Just ask San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom.

it was like this, i swear!

Getting up too early the other day, I drove the 30miles road to the office on a cold dark morning so I could get to work earlier and finish my tasks sooner than usual to have a dinner out with my loved ones on the bleeding heart’s day!
**********
to inform those lovely friends wondering why they received no reply from a net addict like me, i have a few excuses to make:
1. i’ve lost my dentures,ooppps that was Sandra’s excuse!
2.we were packing and moving and those who know me a little better and longer are aware of the fact that how much i love moving (i was born GYPSY!) and this new place though doesn’t belong to us is much better and bigger than J’s place and yes it’s for free cos i work for that fucking company but i really have no idea why it is too far from my working place that i have to go outta home before 6am to be on time.
3. in the last 2 weeks I’ve experienced a new Me, dammed he’s hell responsible, quiet and rarely protests. i dunno how he got in or who let him in but i have to bear him for a while (till the end of my contract) if it was up to me I’ve quit this job the very first week cos I’m working like a donkey and they’re paying as much or sometimes less than other places with shorter working hours, yes he must be sick to stay but he says he has a family to support and he cant leave right away when he has no other place to go cos he has to pay the loans, so let him rule for a while but i swear I’m gonna get my territory back ASAP!
4.I’m trying to (read have) quit my addiction to internet so with all the “no cell phone in, no checking mails…..” policy and long working hours i don’t check my mails daily, let alone other things!
5.And about the valentine. … Me, wife, baby girl and the boy friend had burnt some gray cells of ours and planned a memorable romantic dinner out for the 4 of us. Being so proud of ourselves, we promised to be in that fcuking restaurant at 7.30 pm.
So i put on my tightest jeans* , a reddish orange short and fit sweater, tied my hair in ponytail, put a little dark make-up** & drove to work singing with anyone in my player.
there was a lot to do and it looked like a very busy day but with the help of tones of coffee and piles of chocolates i managed to finish everything before 10 and felt proud of myself but it seems happy moments are meant to last as short as possible.
outta nowhere came this asshole called inspector and the only thing i could think of was cleansing my face, to the men’s room & back & he was in our section.
i tried to ignore his existence and mind my own business but as gay as he was or may be he had a gay-meter he had a crush on my shoes and asked me to show him round the place, not only i looked puzzled and the rest where shocked, i told him it wasn’t my job to do so and i was pretty new to the place myself, i bet he was deaf too.
so Me & the MD showed him everywhere in the whole building and he didn’t let me go earlier than 4pm when he felt exhausted and decided it was time to go meet his shitty sweat-heart!
Should i mention when i got back to my desk i had tones of things to do and my lovely cow-orkers didn’t mind putting their own tasks on my desk and leaving early!
So i called Meg to tell her it was unpossible to have a romantic time out and i couldn’t be home sooner than 11 so she said she’s gonna stay on the night shift cos they were short of staff & I’d better pick Alexis up on the way home so she could sleep on her own bed.
And for J it took Meg a while to find him cos he’s been missing from home since Monday evening meeting so many lonely johns who were dying to pay for a temporary lover (read fucker) on the bleeding heart’s day.
So i had this wonderful Valentine’s working till 10 pm, and spending the night with my lovely asleep daughter who can pronounce almost every one-syllable word with the help of J!
My wife spent her night with some sick people in the hospital and the boyfriend escorted as much as he could.
I didn’t meet any of them earlier than Thursday night; Meg complaining about what a bad and naughty girl Alexis had been since she woke up and J was so sore and exhausted he was sure he wouldn’t meet any john for 2 weeks ( So did I if i earned 9.5K bucks in less than 2.5 days!)
conclusion: Fuck Saint Valentine or any other motherfucker who put this day on the calender! & I’m sure next year I’m gonna take a day off and count the people crossing the road!
hope you had a better time than moi!

cordova.jpg

im gonna post this later, just the pic was great!

i have a lot to say and again my mind is switching between thoughts so fast i can hardly see the point.
1.it’s so funny when you have plenty of spectacular scenery round the corner and you still say i hate the place, so i moved my lazy ass and took a not-artistic picture from where i live, those icicles are beautiful, ain’t they? (and it’s a small place to live, i had to stretch the picture to fit the header, that’s it!)
2. i like checking the “blog stats” button and read the search engine terms, some of them are stupid the others funny, for instance:
you feel guilty when you are silent (not really!)
Alaskans close bathroom window (don’t say anything, i’m trying to figure this out myself!)
whale blubber ice cream (never ate and if it exists, i don’t wanna try it!)
open your mouth i wanna pee in it (this is fcuking rude!)
MEN ARE HAPPIER LIST (did i say mer are happier? from what point of view?)
rude boy keith (yes i know i’m a bit rude but you don’t have to search it, just knock on the door and we can have a little chat!)
heterosexual cannibalism (is the sexuality of cannibals important?)
i want to cry my marriage is hell my in laws (omg, he couldn’t finish his sentence, probably his in-laws killed him but well i love my in-laws so you’re in the wrong place!)
man alaska made ice candle holders (no idea!)
3.me and J went to meet one of his regular johns (does this mean i met my first john?!)
to be honest, i felt a bit bored but it was much better than sitting all alone at home and doing nothing.
don’t get me wrong, this particular john is so special. SHE is in her sixties so i can claim she’s old enough to be my grand ma, she’s sweet, lovely, lonely and loaded and she wants some one’s company than doing anything so it was a fun time
4.this friday the temperature was 48F that meant it was a real hell and hotter than Texas, most of the snow melt and it wasn’t mush but rivers in the streets, thanks heaven it’s cold again, it’s round 20 at the moment
5. Oh, Super bowl, hhhmm i better not to say anything!

Today I haven’t done much rather than doing the shopping and watching the baby girl (or the other way round).
I feel quite down. I know I’m hell intolerable when feeling blue and there’s nothing much to do to help me but at least I expect others to understand me a bit.
THB called in the afternoon to go watch “notes on a scandal” but I said I’d rather stay at home than staring at a big screen and not seeing and understanding anything.
So he came home feeling P.O. and complaining about why I didn’t make dinner or why the whole place looked like a real mess.
It wasn’t really my job to do such things though I was home doing nothing most of the day.
So we sat on the sofa watching TV while the baby girl was eating-playing with her doll probably waiting for me to tell her not to suck her dirty doll but I didn’t.
We couldn’t find anything worth watching so after pressing the buttons on the remote control umpteenth time we decided to turn the TV off and gaze at the wall in front of us!
Then THB suggested to go to the bedroom and I disagreed, he protested and I told him I wasn’t really in the mood of doing anything.
So he gave up and turned the TV on again, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep a bit cos the headache was killing me.
I could still hear the baby girl making sounds and talking to her toys. TBH got closer and put his arm round my waist, I didn’t protest but when he started rubbing his hands between my times I really got mad and shouted so loud that the baby girl started crying.
Me and THB started arguing and after several minutes he got up cursing heading to the door and saying he’s going out to meet a john.
WTF!
He better fuck a stranger guy for the money than touching me when I don’t feel like it.
I’m not his fuck buddy and vice versa. Sometimes he gets so irritating I think of ending everything.
I dunno who’s the blame but I can have some times for myself, can’t I?

So me and the hellish bud (this is the only name I can think of to refer to the boy friend!) went to our first serious date. Well actually we had met each other before but not really dating.
It was a little comfy restaurant at the corner of a crowded street with ordinary faces everywhere, nothing at all luxurious but still romantic and with the sun light beaming down on us it was a bit erotic too.
I like his complexion though a bit pale, more than that I love his black eyes, well yes dark brown.
I think eyes speak more freely than words, and I communicate much better through looking than words, I was never good at using words and most of the times I sound offensive cos I talk frankly.
I dunno why but on my very first dates I’m hell nervous that I can hear my heartbeat but once getting used to each other, I’m not shy anymore, i can be even flirty . I thought it should be different round guys, I have never dated any guy like this, I had a boy friend that I thought I was hell in love and I really wanted to get married with him but he was a real asshole I can never forgive.
But THB (the hellish bud) is different, we can get on well easily and he’s roughly my age so it makes us closer.
We’ve been together laughing and joking more than a day but when I thought of that time as a date I could feel my heart jumping outta my ribcage; it was so ridiculous.
We just ate nuggets and went back home cos the baby girl felt bored and started crying. It was a funny occasion to be called date but well it was.
Next time we wanna find an Italian restaurant cos I crave for anything Italian but we gotta wait till my wife joins us and watches the girl.
I have 3 more days to spend idly before going to work, I’m thinking of going to the movies!

I always wondered why some people are allergic to this word “GAY”, they can accept anything but being homosexual.
To some it’s ok that a gay guy lives 3 blokes away but when it comes to their own family or friends it’s a big sin, never should be committed ,never thought of!
Talking about morals, I think society has no right to tell me what to do and what not to do related to my sexuality.
It’s not something I choose by own will, it’s just a feeling.
For me this sentence is really true:” I was so gay that I got married”
I love my wife and my girl but it doesn’t mean I enjoy everything related to them; they have their own bad habits that annoy me.
But I really disagree with those who say:” When two people marry, they’re not only making a solemn vow to be there in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, but also to be complete and total whores for each other. “
To me soul mate is a lot different from sex mate, my wife doesn’t expect me to act like whores neither do I.
The very first time I fell in love with her, I had another partners. I love her soul, her character, her personality, her attitude but not the body; it’s not something that can satisfy me.
She’s a great lover, her body is hot, I saw other guys stripping her with their eyes but the problem is I was never straight, may be some say I’m bi but the reality is on the scale of 1 to 10, I got 8-9 for being gay.
I never dared to tell my parents I loved that guy on grade 8; I always covered myself behind my female- friends. How could I be gay when I hung most of my time with girls?
As I grew older I learned to try new things, at 18 I was so open to try new things that I can say I craved for doping new drugs.
I still met girls to try new things but I never dared to try it with guys.
My dreams were clear, I wanted to try it with a guy but down in my mind there was this big “NO” sign.
For doing drugs you need money and I had gone too far from my lines that anyone wanted to support me, so I got an idea.
Fucking for the money, and at first it was mostly elder women looking for fresh meat.
Once I got an offer from a guy, I was quite drunk so that “NO” sign couldn’t stop me; I gave it a try.
It was no good memory cos to me it was more like a rape and the pain was so intense I passed out. But well my first experiences were always painful.
The next time I was more cautious, and there I went.
But that wasn’t the life I wanted  for the rest of my life.
Things went back to usual, no drugs, less drinks and i had a girl to love. But once the same-sex marriage became legal in Massachusetts, I couldn’t help myself not to give it another try.
So I jumped outta my cover and i dated some guys, no girl this time cos i was hell sure about my sexuality.
Then again back to what most people think as normal, i got married and moved to another city.
Life was as normal as ever till me and my boyfriend met.
And as much as loved being with my wife, I wanted him to live with us.
But the problem was that we lived in a small town and many things weren’t much accepted.
So we moved to a bigger city and we’re trying to start everything from step one.

Now I wonder things could be much better without that sign. I don’t blame my parents but that stupid sex education at school. If later they want to say “same-sex marriage” is legal, then why should they put a big taboo on homosexuality at school?
No one blame a boy for crushing on the girl sitting round the corner but he has no right to love the boy sitting next to him.
Why should gay teens be so alone and outcast?
He is as innocent as the rest of the class. A gay can be innocent so why people try to make it look devil?
Note: I don’t know anything about lesbian life at schools but I like to know.