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Category Archives: boy friend

once upon a time, long time ago, “to be, or not to be” was a question, but now things have changed a lot. the “being” is not that important. the being…. makes difference.

so the other day i was chatting with “the other guy”-don’t think wrong, he’s straighter than anything you can think of, so he’s just a friend- and the conversation went on like this:

 me: hug me

that guy: already

me: where?

me: how?

that guy: cant you feel it?

me: no. i think you’re hugging the wrong guy

that guy: what??

that guy: you re fat and pale, right?

me: fuck u! where have you gone?

me: gay-asian bar? 

that guy: oh, shoot! it’s a girl.

me: huh?

me: went to the les? omg

that guy: God im blessed!

(i showed him my picture)

me: this is me

that guy: really?

me: yeah. btw do i really look fat and pale?

that guy: no,   you look weird

me: why?

me: do i have horns and tail and boobs?!

that guy: gayish?

me: i dunno.you tell me

that guy: you feel like choosing a right path, buddy??

me: what path?

that guy: your life

me: hhmm no so sure. but i think it’s fine

me: u dont agree?

that guy: sorry i dont

me: i guessed so

me: is your way right?

that guy: i guessed so

me: lucky then. im not jealous

me: i couldn’t change anything actually

that guy: i dont ask you to

that guy: really?

me: yes really

that guy: you re a loser i know

me: u know i tried

me: i know it

me: no need to be reminded

that guy: never again

me: my pleasure

me: you wanna confirm what?

me: my whole existence is a sin?

that guy: that’s confirmed

that guy: no need to be reminded

that guy: just wonder..

me: wonder what?

that guy: it is stupid that you think you couldn’t change anything and blame god

me: i dont blame him. i never did

me: i just say my creation was the worst thing he could do

that guy: that’s blaming, pal

me: ok. i cant change it. I’m fucked

that guy: now let say, you cant change it and you just follow it

me: ok as you say

that guy: now you wanna affect people around yo?

me: i was born a loser. no i just want to love and be loved

that guy: don’t you think ya have power

me: for what?

that guy: look at your words, man. you have power

that guy: you may have affected many people

me: to be a jerk?

that guy: you happy?

me: i think so

me: you wanna conclude I’m happy with some powers, right?

that guy: maybe, and happy you get some attention with that

me: what a poor creature i am then

me: i’d rather go to bed

me: g’night

And the chat was over but i didn’t go to bed. later we chatted a little more and he claimed i’ll be a threat to my little girl for being gay.

how can i be such? i mean no harm to her. well may be drunk dads say the same but still beat their families but i’m not into alcoholic drinks nor drugs. and i don’t think loving my boyfriend would make me so insane that i try to harm my little girl. that’s way too stupid.

but well there’s this possibility of being hated by her for my sexual orientation. that’s as much as possible when parents kick their kids outta home for the same reason.

i don’t wanna conclude anything and i don’t wanna deny being bisexually gay. and i think even denying it, won’t help me much when me and my wife are screwing one an other and i can’t stop my mind thinking  of him instead of her.

but there’s this fact. i’m a loser in this world and the world of the dead. i can say i tried to change a few things but i’m not giving my boyfriend to a pile of written stuff claiming i will go to hell for being myself and for loving the man of my dreams.

why no guy goes to hell for loving a woman? (3-4 women in other religions!) that’s not a sin but it can make me a real psycho running after my daughter for that reason.

no i’m no fan of that junkie singer, i wanna write about my own boy friend.

but on a second thought i feel i don’t wanna blog about him cos if i complain or backbite then he’s gonna feel offended and if i praise him, then it’s gonna be crap.

so i thought of writing about myself and what can i say? i’m a lucky guy or as Pinocchio said in Shrek “i’m a real boy” except that my wooden nose won’t grow longer if i lie!

sometimes i feel so lonely, i want all the privacy i need to be with him, just with him and no one else, going to the woods, fishing, hunting, camping and the rest of the things guys do but people here are so different. i have this wonderful cover of being a married man who loves his family and it’s no lie cos i will do anything i can to make them feel comfortable as far as my sick mind lets me.

and well he has his own cover, he’s divorced with two kids, though both of them lives with their moms, there’s no reason to accuse him of being gay.

everything seems so ridiculous when i review all those closet-time of my life, struggling with my feelings,fears and tears till at last i gave up and since then i never met that Mr. Right. all of my partners/ boyfriends were real bitches and may be the reason was that they were just like me, a real asshole.

and now at 26, after 6-7 years of looking for that special guy, at last i found him in one of the most retarded parts of the States. i don’t mean that i disgust this place or hate its people, i just don’t feel comfortable. there’s always this fear of being caught by a friend or an acquaintance; it may look hot at first but when you run outta excuses then they will hate you, him and your families.

i’ve spend many nights thinking how it is like when someone tells you that one of your parents is gay. may be it looks fine to many people but i doubt it look that much fine to a little girl.

sometimes when i have little arguments with him, i think to myself “ooofff it’s all over, we’re gonna breakup and never meet again so i can go on my straight life.”

but the next time we meet and exchange a few “i’m sorry…..” words and a little of hugging and kissing; then i think how i can live without him or how i lived all these years on my own.

i think i have to go to a doc and ask him/her to give me some capsules to make me straight!

ok, enough said. it’s time to call him and wake him up. i just enjoy waking him up early mornings , specially at weekends just to give him reasons to “let my heart go!!”

oh my dearest you have no fucking idea how much i missed you all those endless long endless day-like nights, staring at empty pages, or even the blue thing on top of other people’s writing cans all saying to me, sorta even deceiving me to write!

officially i haven’t blogged since 12th of last month, technically i haven’t written any crap for a whole month and by now i’m dammed sure my psychiatrist is so proud of me.

i can’t say it was a good time but it was fine. and i really have no idea to whom i’m talking too. Alllooooo any muthafucka out there?

if you wanna become an expert, you need helluva practice. and i can’t even write a logical thing (let’s pretend i could write some time ago)

so as for the start or kinda end to something review the last 6-8 weeks!

1. broke up with my ex (fucking bastard, it was obvious he wasn’t my kind)

2. changed my psychiatrist and as a result went through all the shit with new meds and dosage!

3. the baby girl turned to be Ms. talkative with lots of crazy questions, just giving me headaches and making me wish i was deaf!

4. i gave up the idea of spending so many nights surfing the net and instead i started to read some books!

5. some fucking bastard stole my laptop and a few other things, just forcing me to choose between a brand new laptop in the next 3 years or a digi-cam for the coming 3-4 months.

6. last not least apparently and to some extent obviously i found my mr. right and Gawd he’s so sexy and lovable. i’m not gonna give any details cos you may kidnap him. all i can say is that he’s so much better than all the guys i’ve dated to date!

what else?

aha, as long as i’m back and i’ve made my mind to keep on blogging and writing crap for a while i thought this blog needed a new look and beside the new theme (that i have it on my other blog and love it so much!) i needed a header so  without further ado, i bring to you the extinct species living in north pole aka me (i know you were dying to see my face!)

i know i look really ugly and remind you of your great great great grand father but i can promise you to have a plastic surgery asap (i’m saving for it, may be you can help me a bit!)

ok, that was enough for today. i’m gonna change the header soon, i’m just looking for something better!

this is just a note for myself to remember cos things cant be as beautiful and erotic as erotica.
actually i met that guy, he was fine, well-built, handsome….
when i say he was fine dont doubt it cos i’m not much into colored cocks, masculine guys or even bears. i prefer people of my own kind and well may be he was a bit better than me but i know im not ugly!
whatever it was, it was just fucking for the money and i really had no fucking idea what the hell i was doing there.
i know im quite an exhibitionist but prostitution was never defined in my own scales.
so i kissed, licked, gave a bj and finger-fucked his virgin ass and that was it; he thought my dick was too big to find its way to his back door without pain (bitch, im not big) so i went on kissing and squeezing his balls till i heard my cell-phone ringing.
and actually it was the alarm clock i set for 2 hours as we’d agreed on it.
i picked up the phone and pretended i was talking to someone and i had to go.
ridiculously i didn’t even took my clothes off. so i zipped my jeans, gave him a long french kiss (he almost chocked cos of my naughty tongue moves and explores too quickly & he lied about how great it was, who was he kidding?!)
i went to the bathroom to brush my teeth & refresh the taste in my mouth; got my money ( & he paid 50 more bucks cos i didnt fuck his tight ass LOL) got back to my car and drove all the way back to the office.
as long as i didnt want to go back home i found a place for parking and spent the rest of the night shivering and shaking of cold. it was a good punishment!
nobody hates easy money & escorting can be one of the easiest ways for earning big bucks but it has a few problems:
1. it’s not permanent
2.it’s not too healthy
3. no job insurance, security…
4.it’s not really respectable
5. and i think no one likes to say “hey, my dad’s a call boy, what about yours?”

conclusion: i think i can keep my gay feeling for myself and dont express it to any one; besides i was quite talented when born so better stick to my fucking engineering job, they pay me good but i have to work hard &* pay tax!
at least BG won’t be ashamed of me!
*. i’m gonna write some of my experiences with BF & other guys but actually i wanna try erotic literature so i dont have to right things that are based on utter truth from now on!

i found it really hard to write in third person so let it be me and him!
Me & him met each other in different chat-rooms for a while and slowly slowly we tried to know each other, after a year or so we started voice-chatting and by the end of the second year we used webcams to communicate and sometimes called each other when bored but we were never too close
After 2.5 years knowing each other Me broke up with my girl friend, trying to experience new things, by the end of the 3rd year he told me what he did for the living and we shared a few personal things suggesting it was time to meet.

holdinghands.jpg
but then i changed my way 270 degrees and went on my 2.5 months journey to hell to discover the rights and wrongs!
later on Me moved to the state he lived and got married though i visited his city several times we never had the chance to meet till some time early this year me had to attend in a meeting and we planned to get together at last and Me ended in his place staying for a night and heading home the next morning.
though he was a heavy drinker and smoker we got together better than we expected.
some unexpected things happened later that me, BG & W stayed with him for a while and he was a great support.
I accepted his unusual kindness as something given from a friend but apparently BF wanted us to be more than friends.
Me invited him for W’s birthday party but later changed my mind and asked him not to come. not listening to me at all he turned up uninvited.
that night we ended fucking each other’s brains out.
Later i couldn’t get rid of the feeling of guilt cos i some how cheated on W. it took Me a while to figure things out and starting a new chapter in my shitty life.
So Me & W after much of arguments and fights got to the point that it was something that must be given the chance to be tried, the last decision was to move to BF’s place and share everything with him.
As soon as i managed to get rid of the feeling of guilt and tried to understand the RM, i experienced a new love, something i never felt my whole life. it looked so intense so pure and so fresh that took me a while to undestand the difference between that and what was between Me & W.
now i know that things look much better and brighter when four of us are together, he’s part of the family now and it’s like he’s been there for a long time we can hardly remember how we lived without him. it may look selfish but W loves BF in her own way and BG is too small to understand anything like this.
So i started this blog to analyze my feelings!

part III (some time later)
” i told you not to come here, didn’t i?” RM shouted
“well yes you did but i should meet you, i really need to talk to you about….” BF tried to finish his sentence but RM didn’t let him.
” go back to the hell you came from, i don’t wanna hear anything”
BF:” butttttttttt”
RM:” goooooooo, nowwwwww!”
BF:” there wont be any flight till tomorrow, you don’t wanna leamme in the cold, do you”
RM:” go to a hotel”
BF:” you know i cant find a room for tonight”
RM:”that’s your problem, not mine!”
BF:” lemme stay for the night, just a night!”
RM:” fck you, ok, come but dont expect anything, we have many guests that need a place for sleep.”
so RM opened the door a bit and BF with some struggle got inside
********************
Late that night
RM whispered:” bitch cant you sleep somewhere else?”
BF thought for a second then said:” actually no. you know i’ve never been in love, not like this, i love you from the bottom of my heart, i really cant live a day without you.”
RM replied:” go fuck your mom and shut your shitty mouth up, i wanna sleep”
then he moved tothe other side of the room and tried to sleep
TBC……

read part one (https://bipolaroverdosed.wordpress.com/2007/02/10/bi-x-bi-straight)
sometimes we can’t control our feelings the way we should!
RM:”bitch, yo late, ain’t yo?”
BF:”sorry, it took me longer than expected”
RM(still angry holding his hands near the heater) :” i can feel flakes of ice moving through my veins, i’d be dead if you showed later than this”
BF (now feeling mad at his mate):” i apologized, didn’t i?”
pressing the break pedal to stop by a take-away, he went on:” hey i’m sorry but i really didn’t have a glorious time either, what do you want for dinner.”
RM (mumbling):”nothing, i feel sick.”
to the shop and back, BF stared at RM’s red eyes and whispered:” you look hot baby”
RM (a bit annoyed):”stop this crap, go fuck yer mom!”
A few more blokes and they were in his place
to be continued…..
*. it’s pretty hard to write about things happened a while ago, i think i let this reach some points, then start writing the current events fed with flashbacks ( i need some time to read more books but dammed i’m far too busy these days!) & i apologize for this crap!