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Category Archives: bipolar

i feel his fingers running up and down my spine as if counting something, a silent lullaby for my sleepless night, unaware of the world surrounding me, i count my own breath, a replace for the sheep jumping over the fence cos recently they’re tired of jumping over anything and they gave me a warning of over-crowded fields, all will die soon cos of hunger.

thinking about the sheep i missed the seconds his hand moved a good 10 inch lower resting a finger on my butt hole, i stop pretending to be asleep just to avoid him from going any further. now i have his hand in my own, biting his fingertips, and he responds pretty quickly by biting my earlobe. i turn and sleep on my back, staring into his bluish gray eyes. i have something on my mind but im not sure he wants to hear it. sometimes i amuse myself by thinking before talking, it’s his habit not mine. i bite my lower lip to avoid words; trying to guess what his answers can be, he says i look funny when trying to keep my mouth shut. so i try harder and he smiles at me, one of those irresistible smiles i love so much, the next moment we’re kissing really hard, having our very own tongue fight and i never found out why kissing him is so different.
he let me break the kiss to catch my breath but i dont wanna continue anything.
“can we talk seriously now?” i ask him.
“we always talk seriously, don’t we?” he answers with a killing smile on his face.
me:”i’ve been thinking……..”
him:-” don’t think too much, k?”
me:” bitch, listen to me………”
him:” wait a sec, have you taken your pills?”
i close my eyes to think, have i? i dont remember.
me:” i think no.”
he gets outta bed to fetch my pills, i bite my lips very hard seeing him running to the kitchen naked, what if the little girl wakes up. i grab the blanket and run after him to the kitchen, it’s a fair deal, he has the blanket, i have my pills and then another kiss, some nights we’re boringly too romantic and it seems everything is getting worse the more we live together.
“do you think they can fix their relationship?” i ask swallowing all the water in one breath.
he sits on the table with the blanket carefully hiding his body, ” i think they should.”
me:” and what if they dont or cant?”
him:” it’s their life.”
me:” but it we must do something for them, they’re our friends.”
him:” do what? it’s their lives, not ours.”
i fill my glass again, swallowing each sip with as much as hesitation i can waste on those water drops. he strokes my hair a bit, making it messier than its natural way, “don’t think to much” he whispers in my ear.
i stare at him without saying a word, counting my own heartbeats and im not even sure about the words marching in my mind.
“im gonna talk to him seriously, i started it, i should be the one ending it.” i say at last.
he grabs my hand firmly:” you’re doing nothing than keeping your mouth shut, it’s not about you. he didn’t have a crush on you, it’s all lust but if you have a crush on him, it’s another thing to consider. ” he pauses for a few seconds before going on ” you didn’t have a crush on him, did you?”
i ‘m not sure about the answer, i keep on staring at the floor until little tears run down my eyes.
he grabs my hair and pulls it so hard i cant avoid not looking at him, “answer me? what happened between you two?”
i get up and stand infronna him,pressing his wrist as hard as i can to loosen his fingers round my hair.
” Ace, listen, i really have no idea, im so confused, things with him is very different, but i know you’re the only man i love and i wanna live with.clear?”
he puts his arms round my torso and pulls me close giving me a long kiss and we remain in the cuddling position till i hear little squeaking sounds from her bed, telling us she’d be outta her bed any second. he runs to the bedroom and i goes to her room, another bathroom trip for her.
after putting her to bed and kissing her goodnight with a short censored second bedtime story, i go back to my own bed and he’s waiting for me.
“what’s different about him?” he asks casually.
“nothing” i jump under the covers.
“do you wanna try it that way with me?” he insists on continuing our boring conversation.
“no, turn the lights off, i wanna sleep.” i hide my head behind the covers.
getting outta bed, turning the lights off and back, i can feel his hand round my neck, pretending to suffocate me if i dont talk.
“i’m choking, i’ll tell you everything.”
-” ok”
“everything, now sleep.”
-“asshole”
“i know it, thanks, good night.”
and there’s silence everywhere before i break it.
“what about talkingto both of’em tomorrow!!”
-” about what?”
“hhhmm not breaking up.”
-“why should we? it’s their relationship, private, can you understand.”
“ok, night”
after a few minutes, he breaks the silence
-” why do you want to do that?”
“i feel guilty.”
-” it has nothing to do with you, they’re swingers, they’re so used to other guys in their life, try to understand, ok?”
i take a deep breath “i understand but they’re our friends”
-” holy crap, stop being so OC, i really dont need to sleep with jesus”
im cant help myself not to laugh, probably no one wants to sleep with jesus, pretty boring i guess to be advised during the bedtime.
i kiss him on his cheek, ” ok sleep with me and keep your faith son, we’re gonna talk to them tomorrow, ok?”
-“as you like, night jesus”
“night son”
sometimes i have no idea how he tolerates me, i know i cant save myself, let alone the world im living in but i cant stop trying not to save others, probably another wrong sick incomplete gene in my brain.
i’m gonna talk to them anyway, they’re the closest frinds we have here and i still think they’re such a gorgeous couple.

honestly i’ve missed bolgging here, or blogging this way.

i was up to some very xxx-rated writings that you shouldnt read even with your parents by your side and their hands in their pants.

i missed my old friends, the traffic is great but with all the cum, hard cocks and wet pussies when reading your blog, you will feel disappointed.

and well i think i wanna start blogging this way again so i need a few updates or more than few 😀

when was the last time i blogged here?!!!! aha i remembered so here’s some updates of my kind:

1. i’m back to my beloved city of Boston, right now it’s 28F and rainy but i say it’s a lot better than alaska

2. my little alex is 2 years and 3months old, talkative, naughty and a big headache, adorable i say.

3. i’m not married anymore or i am till my divorce is final. haven’t met my ex for a week or so. and i dont care

4. i bought my own place at last, it’s not big and well it’s not so so great but it’s mine so i like it a lot.

5. alex lives with me having her own bedroom and her own friends and well her own rules, she’s the boss of the house.

6.the last 6 months was really hard for me, lots of downs and a little ups. i was so depressed i couldnt work for a while so i got sacked but well not things are

ok and i have my new job, i dont earn much but i can pay the bills at lease 😀

7. i’m not meeting any woman and i dont have any boyfriend but at least i made my mind and jumpped outta closet completely.

8. being gay is one thing and being your real self is another thing, i’m glad at last i made my mind and accepted the very natural thing about myself.

9. right now i live with my baby girl and partner. honestly it wasnt love at first fright but i was madly in love with him and unfortunately things get worse as time goes by.

10. i cant say much about him here cos he will read what i say and i will be punished. all i can say is that at last i found my soul-mate. he’s very understanding or at least he has no problem with me and my mental problem. he likes me being weird.

11. the one thing i really want is getting my divorce, i cant wait to marry him. (crazy right?!!)

12. two months and 10 days ago me and my partner exchanged rings and since then i’m wearing my ring 24-7, something never happened to my wedding ring.

13. i can say i am enjoying my life, and it will be better when i have Alex’s custody. i know one thing, i really want to be her dad and i want her badly and her mom doesn’t want her, so no problem left 😀

14. it’s hard to be gay and a parent and more than that have BD. every time i feel really down i cant stop thinking of losing her.

but i have a wonderful lover and i know i can count on him.

15. my little girl officially lives with me for nearly 2 months and she loves her two dads, so we’re gonna be  a good family but i know she needs a woman in her life and her mom doesn’t want to be that woman. spo i keep on searching and i have found some eager moms to help me.

16. i think that was enough for a start after so long. i need time to keep my other blog updated 🙂

if i close my eyes forever, there’s just a big hollowness that is ready to eat me alive.
so i fell again, so usual,so silent, so boring.
if i close my eyes forever, then what will happen?
nothing, just a few people will live peacefully ever after.
i’m a failure, i’m loser. don’t gamble with me.
so le me fall

once upon a time, long time ago, “to be, or not to be” was a question, but now things have changed a lot. the “being” is not that important. the being…. makes difference.

so the other day i was chatting with “the other guy”-don’t think wrong, he’s straighter than anything you can think of, so he’s just a friend- and the conversation went on like this:

 me: hug me

that guy: already

me: where?

me: how?

that guy: cant you feel it?

me: no. i think you’re hugging the wrong guy

that guy: what??

that guy: you re fat and pale, right?

me: fuck u! where have you gone?

me: gay-asian bar? 

that guy: oh, shoot! it’s a girl.

me: huh?

me: went to the les? omg

that guy: God im blessed!

(i showed him my picture)

me: this is me

that guy: really?

me: yeah. btw do i really look fat and pale?

that guy: no,   you look weird

me: why?

me: do i have horns and tail and boobs?!

that guy: gayish?

me: i dunno.you tell me

that guy: you feel like choosing a right path, buddy??

me: what path?

that guy: your life

me: hhmm no so sure. but i think it’s fine

me: u dont agree?

that guy: sorry i dont

me: i guessed so

me: is your way right?

that guy: i guessed so

me: lucky then. im not jealous

me: i couldn’t change anything actually

that guy: i dont ask you to

that guy: really?

me: yes really

that guy: you re a loser i know

me: u know i tried

me: i know it

me: no need to be reminded

that guy: never again

me: my pleasure

me: you wanna confirm what?

me: my whole existence is a sin?

that guy: that’s confirmed

that guy: no need to be reminded

that guy: just wonder..

me: wonder what?

that guy: it is stupid that you think you couldn’t change anything and blame god

me: i dont blame him. i never did

me: i just say my creation was the worst thing he could do

that guy: that’s blaming, pal

me: ok. i cant change it. I’m fucked

that guy: now let say, you cant change it and you just follow it

me: ok as you say

that guy: now you wanna affect people around yo?

me: i was born a loser. no i just want to love and be loved

that guy: don’t you think ya have power

me: for what?

that guy: look at your words, man. you have power

that guy: you may have affected many people

me: to be a jerk?

that guy: you happy?

me: i think so

me: you wanna conclude I’m happy with some powers, right?

that guy: maybe, and happy you get some attention with that

me: what a poor creature i am then

me: i’d rather go to bed

me: g’night

And the chat was over but i didn’t go to bed. later we chatted a little more and he claimed i’ll be a threat to my little girl for being gay.

how can i be such? i mean no harm to her. well may be drunk dads say the same but still beat their families but i’m not into alcoholic drinks nor drugs. and i don’t think loving my boyfriend would make me so insane that i try to harm my little girl. that’s way too stupid.

but well there’s this possibility of being hated by her for my sexual orientation. that’s as much as possible when parents kick their kids outta home for the same reason.

i don’t wanna conclude anything and i don’t wanna deny being bisexually gay. and i think even denying it, won’t help me much when me and my wife are screwing one an other and i can’t stop my mind thinking  of him instead of her.

but there’s this fact. i’m a loser in this world and the world of the dead. i can say i tried to change a few things but i’m not giving my boyfriend to a pile of written stuff claiming i will go to hell for being myself and for loving the man of my dreams.

why no guy goes to hell for loving a woman? (3-4 women in other religions!) that’s not a sin but it can make me a real psycho running after my daughter for that reason.

no i’m no fan of that junkie singer, i wanna write about my own boy friend.

but on a second thought i feel i don’t wanna blog about him cos if i complain or backbite then he’s gonna feel offended and if i praise him, then it’s gonna be crap.

so i thought of writing about myself and what can i say? i’m a lucky guy or as Pinocchio said in Shrek “i’m a real boy” except that my wooden nose won’t grow longer if i lie!

sometimes i feel so lonely, i want all the privacy i need to be with him, just with him and no one else, going to the woods, fishing, hunting, camping and the rest of the things guys do but people here are so different. i have this wonderful cover of being a married man who loves his family and it’s no lie cos i will do anything i can to make them feel comfortable as far as my sick mind lets me.

and well he has his own cover, he’s divorced with two kids, though both of them lives with their moms, there’s no reason to accuse him of being gay.

everything seems so ridiculous when i review all those closet-time of my life, struggling with my feelings,fears and tears till at last i gave up and since then i never met that Mr. Right. all of my partners/ boyfriends were real bitches and may be the reason was that they were just like me, a real asshole.

and now at 26, after 6-7 years of looking for that special guy, at last i found him in one of the most retarded parts of the States. i don’t mean that i disgust this place or hate its people, i just don’t feel comfortable. there’s always this fear of being caught by a friend or an acquaintance; it may look hot at first but when you run outta excuses then they will hate you, him and your families.

i’ve spend many nights thinking how it is like when someone tells you that one of your parents is gay. may be it looks fine to many people but i doubt it look that much fine to a little girl.

sometimes when i have little arguments with him, i think to myself “ooofff it’s all over, we’re gonna breakup and never meet again so i can go on my straight life.”

but the next time we meet and exchange a few “i’m sorry…..” words and a little of hugging and kissing; then i think how i can live without him or how i lived all these years on my own.

i think i have to go to a doc and ask him/her to give me some capsules to make me straight!

ok, enough said. it’s time to call him and wake him up. i just enjoy waking him up early mornings , specially at weekends just to give him reasons to “let my heart go!!”

oh my dearest you have no fucking idea how much i missed you all those endless long endless day-like nights, staring at empty pages, or even the blue thing on top of other people’s writing cans all saying to me, sorta even deceiving me to write!

officially i haven’t blogged since 12th of last month, technically i haven’t written any crap for a whole month and by now i’m dammed sure my psychiatrist is so proud of me.

i can’t say it was a good time but it was fine. and i really have no idea to whom i’m talking too. Alllooooo any muthafucka out there?

if you wanna become an expert, you need helluva practice. and i can’t even write a logical thing (let’s pretend i could write some time ago)

so as for the start or kinda end to something review the last 6-8 weeks!

1. broke up with my ex (fucking bastard, it was obvious he wasn’t my kind)

2. changed my psychiatrist and as a result went through all the shit with new meds and dosage!

3. the baby girl turned to be Ms. talkative with lots of crazy questions, just giving me headaches and making me wish i was deaf!

4. i gave up the idea of spending so many nights surfing the net and instead i started to read some books!

5. some fucking bastard stole my laptop and a few other things, just forcing me to choose between a brand new laptop in the next 3 years or a digi-cam for the coming 3-4 months.

6. last not least apparently and to some extent obviously i found my mr. right and Gawd he’s so sexy and lovable. i’m not gonna give any details cos you may kidnap him. all i can say is that he’s so much better than all the guys i’ve dated to date!

what else?

aha, as long as i’m back and i’ve made my mind to keep on blogging and writing crap for a while i thought this blog needed a new look and beside the new theme (that i have it on my other blog and love it so much!) i needed a header so  without further ado, i bring to you the extinct species living in north pole aka me (i know you were dying to see my face!)

i know i look really ugly and remind you of your great great great grand father but i can promise you to have a plastic surgery asap (i’m saving for it, may be you can help me a bit!)

ok, that was enough for today. i’m gonna change the header soon, i’m just looking for something better!

sometimes you have to slow down. nope i’m not talking about pressing break pedals!

or better say i have to slow down a bit cos it’s not too good to decide and act so fast. i think, i decide,  i do and when everything is outta control i ask for other people’s idea!

so Slow down Keith, don’t run downstairs for a glass of water, stop by Alexis door and she whether she’s asleep or not, fine or sick. may be she wants some water too!

ssshhhh i really dunno what i am saying!

when he doesn’t take his pills, his world looks so crazily crazy.
honestly i haven’t finished my report yet, there’s still a lot left and I’m not sure whether i can finish it tonight or not cos I’m so down and depressed and surely I’m not in the mood of doing anything right now.
I’m glad you’re feeling better and at last you found some time to spare and check here…………………..
you know every word i type takes ages to come to my mind and it takes me a good 5 minute to finish every line. i type a few words, stare at the screen and then ask myself:” then what? is it all you want Keith? are you sure these are the words you wanna say?” then i answer myself with a big NO and another long meaningless stare.
(you have no idea how long it took me to write the lines above!)
i feel weak, my hands are cold as ice, yes it’s nothing unusual. i dunno why my hands are so cold every day and it’s been like this all my life.
I still remember that guy at highschool, I still remember his green eyes and warm big hands and how much i enjoyed sitting by his side and he holding my hands in his so they wouldn’t feel numb anymore. i remember once i told him:” B I really love you, why you keep on ignoring me?” and he didn’t say a word, just smiled and held my hands tighter. I wish i could see him again and this time i wouldn’t hesitate to kiss him.
sometimes I’m not sure how alive i am cos it’s hard to hear my own heart-beat and yes my hands are cold, as cold as the ice outside; then how could i be still alive?!
it must be something very weird to feel ok, so are you ok?
you know i had to finish that fucking report but i didn’t. it was a “must-be-done” obliged by myself cos i have to read tones of articles and there are 2 articles that i have to write it by myself in a week time and i don’t have any idea how to write them cos i have to open piles of books and spend hours searching before i can write the introduction;and next week I’m going back to Anchorage and it’s again another +12 hours working everyday and would i have enough energy to finish anything?! surely not cos I’m not a super hero with significant natural powers.
Keith, don’t drown, for God’s sake, don’t drown!

I’m sick of myself, I’m sick of this world, I’m sick of everything and everyone cos there’s no reason left to go on, i wish i could puke my brain and dig into my rib case to take my warm beating heart out just to take a look at it, just to make sure it’s still beating. and what should i do if it wasn’t beating, it wasn’t warm but a big cold stony thing?!

how much i like to lock this door and stay in my bedroom forever, and do you know how long forever is?! is it too long?
i would have locked the door if i knew where the key was but the key is not in this room; it’s not here so where is it?
yes i know it must be miles away, probably melted to something better, may be a a wire for cutting heads, but who makes wires outta cast iron?! Keith, you know no one do that cos it’s not possible to extrude cast iron that much! you passed that course, didn’t you?

so why i agreed with her that we shouldn’t lock doors in our home?! i dunno, may be she was afraid of the day i do something stupid?! then that’s so stupid cos I’m doing stupid things everyday and why should she bother if i hurt myself? is it really that important?

i spent most of the day reading and thinking; what was the name of that book? i dunno
And who was the writer? i don’t have any clue, but i know it was written in French and all i read was a quite good translation that you had to re-read some parts to understand and you couldn’t skip lines.
and how much i felt like the heroine of that tragedy , was she the heroine then? did she drown herself? if she did then why the writer didn’t say anything? why I’m still sitting in my bedroom on bare floor and leaning against the door so no one can come in!
it must have been a good story that i cried when it finished. and i cant see the point those fucking tears are getting together to make a big drop and run down my face just to give me a feeling of wetness and salt.
hey it’s been years since the time you grew up and you’re still seeking for that thing, for that lost part of your past?! and why don’t you stop it? yes i know you like dreaming about your own nightmares and what’s that big nightmare making you hide behind your blanket and weep sadly? are you really that sad or you like that bitter feeling of being lost in your never-land and cry for help. shout as loud as you can and then shut your mouth cos there’s no voice left for you and you know nobody cares!
you care?! why should you? tell me just a reason and that’s gonna be enough!
because you love me?! that’s stupid cos i cant see the reason to be loved.

no, i wasn’t created to be an angel, i was made to be a fallen creature struggling in his own shit every minute. so where are you hiding now? don’t you really wanna think nasty and talk dirty? where’s your next blog entry? look that guy’s such a turn-on , how dare you stand still and stare at the nothingness infronna your eyes when he’s shaking that sexy ass so wild!?!

how sick i feel, how tired i feel and how much………. no i don’t want this dirty life end cos i cant stand my own shouts and cries and begs when suffering that eternal torture on my sluttish body.
“I didn’t give you this body for your sexual pleasure, you were supposed to worship me, to praise me, to beg me to forgive your stupidity. how dare you committed so many sins in front of my very eyes, you little worthless creature of mine” he’s gonna say this, he’s waiting there to rip my flesh with his divine sword and say this to me.
” so you wanted to be disobedient?! you thought that it was a big ridiculous joke written in those holy books saved there just for you to laugh at in the future and tease your creator!? who you thought you were?! weren’t you another creature i made cos you had to exist on this big planet so i could show my heavenly powers, I’m the mighty one, so kneel and praise me.
you rude creature, how dare you stare at me with your sinful eyes. i didn’t give you those eyes to gaze at whatever bare body you could find; those eyes were given to cry for forgiveness.”

I’m an attention seeker, i do anything to attract attention and i don’t mind what it is: it can be exposing my body to whoever wants or exposing my thoughts to strangers. i offer you my hand for help but actually all i want is pulling you closer to own you. i want you for myself, i want you to pay attention to me and just me!
and how lonely i am cos I’m lost. he’s there watching me, waiting for me to call him and he’s gonna take me outta this shit with his almighty hands.
“call me son”
” no, i don’t like you, i cant see the reason to love that infinite eternity. why you created me? how dare you created such a weak creature that you knew he’d fall and could never climb up to your heavenly doors?! you enjoy watching me suffer from my own sins every now and then that i feel there’s no reason for living but just loving you and then i go, i cry helplessly in front of your powerful eyes and go. go back to my every day life.
“so how’s Alexis doing? want a ride on daddy’s back?!”
or kissing my sweetheart and saying” babe, so what should i buy today?”
or spanking that boy and slipping a tongue in his warm mouth and thinking:” he tastes so good”

how real are they? ain’t they a reflection of my own thoughts?
who am i? what am i doing here? are you sure I’m the one I’m trying to show?

I’m 26, i have a degree in material…………… how do you know?
it’s obvious? yes I’m so fond of metals, I’ve been a fan of heavy metal all my life, huh?! no not that metal? so you want me to talk about forging? or why you cant weld aluminum? or how you can make nano-wires?!
how small a nano-wire is?! i think i have some wires in my closet, lemme bring ’em!

I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m weak, this stomachache is killing me, it’s been days since the first time it bugged me. ” i must be hungry” so i eat, i empty plates but it gets worse. i try to ignore it. then it must be PMS. PMS? are you alright?
yes I’m alright, I’m sure, it’s my PMS!
so when did you last have a period?!
hhhmmm i don’t remember, it must be years ago. yes it’s so long i don’t remember when it was. can you tell me how it is like, may be i have one right now?!

where’s that book*? was it a book or just notes? where have i put it? did i really read it?or may be it was a dream?
momma, i wanna talk to you!, do you know where daddy is? huh?! he’s gone. yeah yeah i know.
what? it’s not polite to use “yeah and huh!” why momma, why it is like this?
huh? i shouldn’t call you momma cos it’s childish?! then what should i call you? is it ok if i call you mom, or what about mommy, i think mummy’s gonna be much better!

why i felt so much like Clarice? yes you were such a good mom. i could kiss and hug you whenever i like but did you ever botheryourself to ask me how i felt?
“mommy i feel sore in my throat”
–“ok, i’m gonna take you to the doctor, i’m gonna make you soups, i’m gonna give you orange juice”
“mommy, i won’t come home before 8, we’regonna have a game with the other team from the other school”
–” ok, but be home before 9″
“momma, you know today i scored 20 points all on my own, you know we win and those guys were so tall i have to pass the ball between their legs”
–“why your clothes are so dirty? put ’em in the washing machine and hey wash your legs before going to bed”
“momma i got A+ in my geometry exam and you know it was so hard, many of the other kids could hardly get a “D”!”
–“good, now wash your hands and come have dinner”
“momma, why you never take a look at my report cards?”
–“cos i know you have good marks!”
“momma, do you know which grade i am in?”
—————–
“momma i need a bike”
” if you get good marks, we’re gonna buy you one”
“momma, ever wondered how i go to school?”
“yes by bus!”
“so why you never take me there?”
“cos you can go yourself”
“momma do you wanna come and see the final game?”
“no, i hate basketball”
“momma we won, take a look at my -fake- medal?”
“put it there and take a shower”
“momma, my friend john told me his mom helps him with his homework, so why don’t you help me?”
“cos you have to do it on your own”
“momma may i sit on your lap?”
“wait, i have to finish cooking”
“momma can i sit on your lap now and you run your fingers through my hair”
“ok”
“why don’t you cut your hair?”
” ok, i’m gonna do it, if you kiss me”
and she kissed me.
“why you never kissed me good night?”
“cos you’re a man now”
“but you never did it when i was a kid”
she turned her head.
“keith, don’t cllimb that tree, you’re gonna hurt yourself”
“no, i won’t, wanna come up?!”
“momma why you never come to school and talk to my teachers”
“for what?!”
“to see how i am doing at school”
” cos there’s no need, i know you’re a good student”
*********
“momma, you gotta come to my school tomorrow”
“why? ask your dad to come”
“no you must come”
after lots of struggles she came.
” you know Mrs…… you have a genius son but ….” they didn’t let me stay.
on the way home. “momma, why are you so silent”
she didn’t answer, surely she was thinking about what i did.
the next day she gave me a box of color pencil. i knew what i had to do, i gave it to the boy sitting next to me; later i threw his pencil box in the garbage can. no i didn’t want his pens, i want my mom to come to my school, she didn’t say a word. did she understand why i did it?!
*********
“momma today i met…..” slamming the door, she doesn’t mind i met someone i love.
“momma you know today me and … went to the lockers and……….” yes she doesn’t care her son is no more virgin.
and did she ever ask me why?!
yes once she found the romantic letters i wrote.
“so tell me what are these?”
“nothing, well they’re not mine, they’re for my friend’s. he gave them to me so……..”
shit why i could never lie to her.
“end it, you’re still a child”
” ok mom. ok, i will”
yes i ended everything, and she didn’t bother herself to ask me whether i loved her or not!
AND YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN I GOT MARRIED, YOU WEREN’T THERE TO SEE YOUR GRAND DAUGHTER AND YOU’RE NOT HERE TO SEE HER TALK!

yes, i’m 26. i’m a grown up man or at least i look like one and i’m still looking for a mom.
that old lady sitting in the park,yeah she’s so perfect to be my mom.

“do you want a son?”
“do you wanna be my mom?”
“i promise to be a good boy , you know there’s something bothering me, there’s something eating me from inside and i don’t wanna tell my wife, ….. yes she understands but……..
thank you
can i sit here?
am i a bad son?
you know i really tried to be better but i cant change myself.
you know last night………
hhhmm actually ………
yoohoo any body there?
you’re gonna mail me, ain’t you?
what?1 you’re busy tonight? ok i can wait- or i have to wait-
am i bothering you?
do you mind if i kiss you?
can you hug me?
i’m not feeling ok.
you know you’re such a good mom, i love you…………

BUT YOU’RE NOT MY MOM AND YOU NEVER WANNA HAVE SUCH A SON BUT WELL YOU’RE SO GOOD THAT YOU DON’T WANNA BREAK MY HEART. OK I TRY TO BE YOUR MOM BUT YOU KNOW……
YES I KNOW, YOU’RE NOT MY MOM, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND THERE’S NO REASON TO CARE ABOUT SOMEONE LIVING MILES AWAY. SOMEONE YOU MAY NEVER SEE!
I APPRECIATE YOUR ATTENTION AND I LOVE YOU AND YOU KNOW IT’S NOT JUST WORDS….
I WISH YOU WERE MY MOM AND THANKS FOR EVERYTHING**

*.I was reading this:” Elle est parite” by ” Catherine Guillebaud”
**. those words asking you to be my mom are so familiar to your eyes, am i right? and you know I’m talking to you and i knew no other way to thank you.
***. i know no one wants a son like me but if you ever wanted a son for free, I’d be happy to have a mom!

sometimes our dreams come true and then we wish we’d wished for something else.

everything is all right. the central heating is working properly so Alexis is back home.

me & Meg had a great time together but it was more riding than hiking hihihi

then me & J shot our last weapons and now we’re more than friends again.

i’m enjoying another depressive mood though there are a lot to enjoy.

i dunno why i feel so down so often!

it’s 9 am, i haven’t had breakfast yet, J & Alexis are still asleep and Meg’s out for shopping and me doing nothing. i think it’s gonna be another boring day lying on the bed and staring at the walls and drowning in endless nightmares.

stay sick cos i’m feeling blue!

I’m getting ready to get up and get dressed and get my lazy ass in right gears to move and leave home for a while to get something to eat. got what i said?

Spending my third day of staying home and doing nothing and just staring at random things and waiting for random things to crash on my head or other random unexpected unfortunate events, nothing special has happened till now. So i made my mind to get outta home and do something productive like running after kids, sitting on ice and catching no fish or shooting some moving things and then call ’em moving moose.

honestly it seems i was happier when working more than 12 hours a day, at least i was doing something and by the end of the month i could smile at the sight of those additional figures in my account.

right now: Meg & Alexis are out at some friends’ place, in-laws are enjoying themselves  doing i dunno what and my fucking boy friend is hanging with some (read one) cute girl(S) he met the other day.

and i know you’re green with envy! yes it feels great not to work that i feel i’m going crazy if i stay one more hour at home and i have decided to go back to my old job till the end of my vacation, then finish my fucking contract with that fucking company and get back home (that’s gonna take a whole month so fuck ’em all!)

and I know now you’re saying why i’m complaining 7/24 when zillion of gay guys are dreaming of my life and i wonder how they can be gay when they’re fantasizing about boobs and pussies!

i feel so gay today cos when i woke up, it was 10 to 8 and no one was at home and nothing was left for me to eat and i had 2 notes stuck to the fridge; one from my wife saying i could have crackers and milk for breakfast and she won’t be home earlier than 5 pm and i have to pick her up and i can join them for lunch if i were in the mood of getting outta house, taking a bath and shaving.

the other note from J was a lot better; it started with a “fcuk your lazy ass for sleeping too much” in bold and italic and big red font and i hate red pens! then telling me  he’s gonna spend his day with the girl he met the other day in a party he went with Meg & Alexis last Sunday.

things worrying me:

1. is it wrong to sleep 2-3 hours a day?

2. why no one tried to wake me up and take me with themselves?

3. why my gay boyfriend look so straight to me?

4. should i buy Meg a…… for our first anniversary or buy Alexis a tricycle or buy myself a skateboard or buy J a pair of rings for his wedding?

there must be something very wrong with me, i know it’s too hard to deal with depressed me and it’s hell boring to be down so often but at least they could offer taking me out than letting me stay home and drown in my own shit.

And i’m gonna laugh till death if J fucks that girl and tells me he’s not feeling gay anymore!

Wanna have a boy friend with a wife and a naughty kid? i’m 5′ 10”, 137 lbs and i’m just a pink elephant lost and looking for a caring guy, i’m not too ugly (yeah i look better than your gay grandpa! ) and i earn ….k$ per month, so can we meet tonight cos i feel so gay and i need an @$$ to f***.

i knew you were jealous of me, admit it!

i haven’t done much yesterday and i’m not gonna do anything today, and tomorrow won’t be any different.

All i wanna do is to sit down and stare at the clock and let those stupid hands chase one another till eternity.

it’s not important how bored and down and depressed i am, i just want to stay in bed and imagine myself standing on top of a cliff, do you wanna be the one who push me down?

i’m intolerable when feeling normal, let alone feeling down in the dumps, so leame alone and let me deal with my own shit in my own way, can you fuck off me?  don’t forget to shut the door.

does  it sound lame if i say i never had an accident , or at least not anything that i was the guilty driver?!

so last morning me & J were going to work and he was driving slowly (let’s say over 90 mph) and suddenly bang!

nobody hurt, no animal killed, nothing much serious except the fact i had a heart attack and all the hair all over my body went straight.  if only there was something to spray called “after shock”.

and i dunno who gave those mothafukcers driving license. And J was lucky it wasn’t his fault or i have shot him dead right there and ran away and then the cops ran after me and i said i didn’t shoot him cos i loved him so much then they caught my in-laws and surely they’d say we loved him more than our own son-in-law who’s a real asshole,then they would think the murderer was one of his old clients and no pro writes down who they fucked each day and they don’t pay any tax so why should i pay so much and i don’t smoke anymore cos they wanna increase the tax on cigarette and i don’t fucking care what the hell they do with that money but well i care and that’s my money they waste on killing innocent people and who told those bitches to go to other countries and fire their shitty missiles and yeah those bitches are probably my friends and why am i so crazy to hate them, huh?! my own bastard brother wanna join army? i’m gonna shoot him right now and how many people have i killed yet? i must be a chain killer* and this place is so hot and the iditarod 2007 is over and i couldn’t believe i cried cos i lost the bet to my shitty boy friend and i dunno what the hell he wanna do with me but gotta wait till the end of the week

and what caused so much trouble?!!!

of course that drunk driver who hit his truck against ours and i wish him death but well nothing serious happened.

FUCK Jeff King he wasn’t among the top 3, i have to cry cos i’m afraid of the weekend, i’m going to run away to another country, may be Canadah cos J seems to have some devilish plans for me **

Lance Mackey shouts for joy under the burled arch in Nome after winning the 2007 Iditarod Sled Dog Race on Tuesday March 13, 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lance Mackey, of Fairbanks, Alaska, drives his dog team toward the final Iditarod checkpoint of Safety on Tuesday, March 13, 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

This guy may be the most excited winner in Iditarod history…..

the last ranking:

1 Lance Mackey (13)

and i’m gonna be in that race next year, and 10-12 dogs running after me, can i run that far?!!***

*. chain killer= serial killer (made by me as a kid)

**. never bet on stupid things with stupid people. J couldn’t believe he won the bet and now i really don’t know what’s going on his dirty mind. “The winner can be the master of the loser for a day”. ain’t that bet too stupid?! if you didn’t hear of me  next week, surely something very bad have happened to J!

***. the other day a cow-orker ran to me asking whether i blog or not, i said” think i do, so?”  and he told me about here and i denied that i have so much time to waste. he wasn’t satisfied by my answer, but he went and never looked back again, probably afraid of being killed accidentally!

it annoys me when people search my name and get right here and i left so much clues for people ready to hunt me but till now my in-laws and close relatives never said anything about here, i hope they never do or me & J get into real trouble!

 

 

 

did i mention my in-laws arrived here the other day?

and did i write about J being the one who picked them up from the airport?

and did you know i’m still alive and probably my in-laws gonna love my boyfriend more than me?

this world is crazy and so do i!

i’m hungry, actually i’m starving, i’m dying and they won’t bury me here cos everywhere is covered with ice and i have no chance of getting buried!

AND Jeff King is on top of the mushers’ list and i those who’re interested in K-300 know who he is.

this iditarod 2007 race is getting exciting, i should have signed up but then i was the one pulling the sled and a pile of dogs chasing me!

keep sane, i try to keep insane.

*.if you didn’t receive any e-card this weekend, mail me so i’m gonna send you one!

time to wash the dishes and may be eat.

To eat or not to eat?!! no that’s not a question to consider, the important thing is: to puke or not to puke!!

**. to the new readers: though i have a boyfriend, i’m not a cute girl, so don’t send me Viagra messages!

caution: this is a long post and probably i won’t post tomorrow so read this as much as you like and leave the rest for the next day  :-)if i wanna summarize my life this week it would be something like this:

1. spent an hour after work with my boy friend as described in some previous post

2. the next day Meg called me at work telling me i’d better go home a.s.a.p. cos something had happened to Alexis but she didn’t tell me what it was no matter how much i insisted.
my fucking boss didn’t want to let me go cos i still had an incomplete report on my desk. cut the long story short. i had to drive 1.5 hours to get home and nobody answered the phone at home, i dunno how other people feel in these situations but i felt horrible and i thought of all the bad things i could think of. at last i called J and told him go find Meg no matter how hard it was.
he’s such a dear friend, he called me as i took route … saying that there wasn’t anything serious but it’d be better to stop by the hospital.
i was really terrified and felt extremely miserable. i know i have no right to think of horrible things but that’s the way my mind works, it thinks of the worst possible situations. i dunno whether it was me who found J or the other way round, in a flash of light Alexis was in my arms, her little foot & arm wrapped in bandage and daddy looking for somewhere to buy her “yum” (a word for gum made by her)
i really spoiled her or as one of Meg’s colleagues said, she’s so dependent on her dad.
Alexis is doing fine now , she even woke up the next day to say bye to daddy and Meg took a day off to watch our little disaster.
you know Alexis is a real cute, lively, mobile disaster,;her mom was trying to make her some eggs when this lady asked for “loolet” (she’s addicted to chocolates like her dad, fuck her bad dad then!)
you know she repeats one word continuously till you’re really up the wall and wanna shut her mouth up, she looks sweet at first but extremely annoying some times.
so she asked her mom to give her “loolet” and her mom told her she can’t have any cos she had a big bar of chocolate  in the morning.
she cried and shouted and disturbed her mom that outta nowhere the burning fried egg fell on her arm and foot. thanks heaven nothing happened to her face and the burning is not severe.
when i arrived she was crying and Meg looked like a very worried mom so much like this *~* LOL
thanks God nothing serious happened, we’re very lucky parents, ain’t we?

3. the following day: i’m not this kinda lazy irresponsible parent but as far as i am a human, +60 hours works put lotta stress that i can’t tolerate normally, let alone enjoying one of those depressive episodes that i always have trouble digging outta ’em in very happy times of my life. in addition,there’s Miss naughty Alexis and the mess she makes and the fact that i do love my daughter more than my wife and other people in this fucking world!(should i mention i have to worry about my wife too?!)

i added a few more items to worry about cos apparently the stress and tension wasn’t enough for me.

a) the aforementioned friend of mine who has AIDS and i have to call him every so often to make sure he’s doing fine.

b) a teenage co-worker that lives with her old granny two houses away from mine. she’s a good girl, just 18 years old but really sick of her life and i have to show her that she has a lot to do with her life, or there’s no reason to hate her parents though they are such assholes dumping their own child to look for their own pleasure (her life’s a good soap that can bring tears to your eyes easily) & the ridiculous thing is i’m not the appropriate person to advise her cos i’m too suicidal myself 😉

c) J, he’s worrying me to death and as long as i blame myself on his current situation i have to help him. i told him we can be partners and friends if he quit escorting and drinking ( i let him smoke cos i sometimes do it myself so i cant ask him quit something i still do). he accepted my terms beside some other personal requests and then he had lotta  free time doing nothing so i should help him find a job no matter what it was just to keep him busy then he could find a good job later and i did help him find a job in the company i work for.

d) my relatives including my granny and brothers & in-laws. it’s so silly i miss my in-laws badly.

surely i’m not a good shoulder to lean on, and actually this much stress was more than i could tolerate.

So today i made lotta terrible mistakes like: doing wrong tests on wrong samples, confusing ASTM, DIN & EN standards. calling a cold worked sheet with 1.25% lead CK06 then typed 13% carbon in its element analysis and a lot more.

till lunch time i have fought and argued with any living creature in the section i work and i called my boss very bad names (yes i’m not really polite but i never call somebody that way!) and i had piles of reports to be handed before 2 pm, i felt dizzy, confused and the headache was killing me and not to mention other problems i had with my body for several days. it was my worst working day and i was turning it too unbearable for others.

i handed most of the reports and then went for the lunch cos i felt so sick and couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore. i even spent a good fucking 10 minutes in the men’s room puking and i didn’t feel any better.

when i got back to my desk, my boss was waiting for me so i readied myself for a good verbal fight. to my surprise he panted on my shoulder and told me it’d be better to go home and let others finish everything[ this guy didn’t let me go home a bit early last night when i was hell worried for Alexis]

the fact was that J had talked to my boss and gave him 1000 reasons why i felt and acted so bad, even apologizing him on behalf of me.

getting bored? ok read the rest tomorrow, i’m gonna continue cos i have to organize my brain.

me & J went to my fukcing doc, the lovely guy i was supposed to meet last week but i was too busy to waste sometime on myself. at least i’ve taken the blood, lithium… tests last week but i didn’t get the answers, but J did.

What i have done to my body: the feeling of decaying from inside was sorta true cos actually i was taking too much lithium* (a little more than15-20mg per kg of body weight) cos of losing 2 lbs! this wasn’t a serious case of intoxication and i’m doing a bit better.  worse than that some wise guy called me took lotta sleeping pills and pain killers in the past few months for different reasons that i got a positive for being a junkie.

yeah i know i have gone way too far from my limits for no good reason. surely keeping our house is not worth any of these.

so: i’m gonna take tomorrow off to spend a while with my doc thinking of a way to return things to what is called “normal” and i’m gonna have a hard time again!  then i’m going back to work next week no matter what happens and after that i have 2 fucking weeks off to fuck myself and any random guy (not really) then back to my shitty life again.

at the moment i’m enjoying one of those super awake times, so i think i’d better do something or read my “paradise lost” or may be wake J up after midnight and then call my bros and it’s gonna be a long night and i feel so sick, all i want is puke my brain and stomach!

aha, at last i managed to put a musher’s pic here,this is Ramey Smyth’s team arriving at the McGrath checkpoint on the Kuskokwim River on Wednesday morning.

iditarod.jpg

and how much i miss Kuskokwim 😦 , i cant imagine i’ve been living  in this icy hell for almost a year now, time to pee! if you feel bored and can’t sleep or don’t have much to do, i’d be glad receiving some e+mail.**

*. check these on google or other places if you wanna know more about lithium:Carbolith®, Cibalith-S®, Duralith®, Eskalith®, Lithane®, Lithizine®, Lithobid®, Lithonate®, Lithotabs® and Maniprex®

**.i’m not really feeling good.

note about me: been chatting with a few guys and gals and some asked me questions that i think i have to answer:

1. i live in Anchorage, Alaska with my family not my boy friend who i love lots!

2. lithium carbonate is a mood stabilizer  prescribed for people with bipolar disorder (check other posts or simply google it if you don’t know what kinda bitch it is!)

3. as said before, i have a degree in materials science and engineering and my job is nothing secret so i copy paste part of my e-mail to a dear friend of mine telling what i do for the living:i work for a material research center.
we have different sections like polymer, SEM & STEM,XRD, analytical chemistry, chemistry, foundry, quanta-metry , mechanical metallurgy and metallography.
it’s gonna take a day long to tell you what each part do but generally speaking we analyze the elements , grains, crystalline and casting structure, testing mechanical properties…. for metals and some polymers.
i work in the mechanical section, each material specifically metals and alloys have their own standards, we work with ASTM (american standard) most of the times but sometimes we have to try it with DIN (for germany) JSI (japanese) Euro-norm, BS (british) & a few more i cant remember at the moment, aha we use API for gas pipes and some other standards for beams, rods….
in each standard the preparation of samples are explained like the length of gages and airs  in  tensile samples.
we do many tests like impact (charpy & izod), tensile, bending, proof load, nick break, cupping …. to determine several characteristics of materials like U.T.S (ultimate tensile stress) or Y.S.  and see if our samples meet the properties in the standards.
for steels we use a special book called “key to steels” and there’s something quite like that for wrought aluminum, cast irons have their own standards.
there are a lot more we do but i think it’s gonna bore you, i just wanted to give you a brief view of what i exactly do.
that’s for my job and generally about material engineering, surely it’s a lot more than that.
actually in material engineering, experience talks  first then it’s the knowledge and books, so the more experienced you are, the more money you earn. it’s sorta empirical science but i like to learn more in designing molds and simulations. i think that’s what i wanna study later for my master’s.

yesterday wasn’t simply my day and it seems today is no better.
i dunno it’s cos of the dull weather or meeting my teacher and recalling things i didn’t like or another bipolar depression or it’s only because of the bad news i received.
i avoided everyone as much as i could, i avoided trees, cars, sun, snow, ice, Alexis’ little smiles, an old excited teacher, Meg’s sweet words, lunch, dinner , breakfast but i couldn’t avoid myself. it just didn’t let me go and his bitter smiles, his disgusting tone, his bad habits, …make me sick, make feel sick to death, make me think that i’m one of those shitty creepy worthless creatures that must be tied to an electric chair right away.
i don’t look at myself in the mirror cos he’s ugly, he’s dirty, he’s disgusting, he’s sick.
he’s hurting me so bad that i have no idea how i can get rid of him. should call 911, should i find an assassin ? does it worth the trouble?
i spent most of yesterday outside cos i knew my bitter tongue would says things that the ending would be annoying arguments.
i put the most indifferent mask i have on, i try to look nice, clean, smelling good, smiling at any asshole crossing the street.
on my organizer i found a little note about my old teacher and we were supposed to meet her in the same restaurant we met the first time; i took a look at the jar on the vanity, it was almost empty, just 20 bucks and a few coins and that wasn’t enough for a night out.
i went straight to the kitchen and asked Meg if she mind cooking lunch for my teacher as well.
she gave me one of those meaningless grins and i interpreted it as a yes, so i called Ms. X and asked her to have lunch with us.
the place looked clean cos me and Meg cleaned it early morning and Alexis was still in bed so there was no toy on the floor.
i made a bee line for the door, there wasn’t anything in the house that must be done by me.
“where ya goin?” Meg asked as i opened the door.
me:”to hell”
Meg:”then stay there forever”
me:” i’m gonna try but you know they won’t keep me there for long”
i spent the next two hours walking up and down the streets, all i wanted was a cup of coffee to drown myself in it.
i was thinking of that terrible phone call.
-:” so what was the result?”
?:”positive”
-:what?”
the positive word was repeating in my head so loud i was sure it’s gonna explode.
and how much i wished that positive thing was something really positive.
his tone frightened me, he was so young, so lively so cool and now i was looking at him drowning in the most positive hell and i was there and watching him and doing nothing than saying :” i’m sorry bud, you’re gonna be fine, it’s not that bad!”
and to whom i am lying, it is that bad!
all day i thought about what a friend told me a few days ago
“the true story is that you “want” to sell yourself.you are hurting your soul.”

the images kept on coming and going, moving fast, then slow, then fast, words echoing in my head. “you’re a bastard keith” that’s what Meg told me once.

i drove all the way to Ms. X place, picked her up and tried to tell her as many jokes as i could remember, she was happy, i was drowning gradually.
the lunch was great, everything Meg makes if not burnt by me tastes yummy.

it was going to be a good afternoon, recalling old happy childhood, Ms. X told Meg what a naughty boy i was. “i think he climbed all the trees round his school, didn’t you keith?”
i was trying to find Alexis teddy bear behind the sofa. “i guess i tried most of them”

Meg looked astonished.
Ms. X reviewed more of her past or let’s say our past, she talked about my letters with so many mistakes and meaningless unfinished sentences, she always sent me my corrected mail.

then again age 16, bodies, shouts, cries, sirens, uurrghh i’m sick of recalling that night & she wanted to know how they died. “is it really that important?” i wondered.
i tried my best not to drop a tear and the day looked shitty again.
i summarized my last 10 years into a few long sentences and then disappeared with Alexis to play hide & sick. i felt sick so sick. i looked at those Prozac pills in the closet, then some sleeping pills, then Alexis, then the extra dosage of lithium. i wanted to puke myself, he was bothering me again.
i was singing :”mary had a little fucking lamb” and Alexis repeated in her crazy way.
“why should i care about Mary’s lamb?”

“Keith” Meg called me after a while, it was time for coffee, my worst addiction.
you must be insane to drink coffee when you have sleeping problems.
I went to kitchen to pour myself some coffee.
Meg & Ms. X were talking about something i could hardly hear, it was more like whispers.
then they talked louder.
meg:” i dunno, sometimes it annoys me, you know he’s Bi”
Ms. X. “oh” then she sighed and added ” he used to be a good boy, he was just…..”
i shouted:” who ya talkin about?”
Meg stared at me, sniffed then said:” you”
“i’m not Bi”
Meg put her finger on her nose and made a voiceless shush.
Ms X looked up, she was crying, i brought her a box of tissues, she put her hand on mine, it was so warm or mine is so cold or as Meg says i’m a walking body always cold.
Ms. X. whispered:” why keith? why you? you were so good, so kind, so…….”
i interrupted her:” why me what?” and i knew what she was talking about.
i went on:” what’s wrong with loving another man?”
“but you’re married keith” she replied
“so?”
she didn’t say anything, she just looked in my eyes and her looks were deep, heavy, unbearable.
i looked elsewhere. the atmosphere was so tense, i looked at Meg asking for her help.
” do you want milk with your coffee?” at last Meg asked.
” no thanks”
she drank her coffee, we exchanged looks for a while and then she said she had to go.
“i’m gonna take you home” taking my parka.
“no i can go on my own” she was avoiding me obviously.
Meg went to the bedroom to change her clothes and i put on some clothes on Alexis.
Ms. X was standing by the door, i unlocked the car and seated Alexis on the back seat, she was singing happily cos she likes going out, i handed Meg my keys and opened the front door for Ms. X. Meg started the engine. “i wanna visit one of my friends” she said.
“ok, are you coming back for the dinner?” i asked
” i think so, i ‘m gonna call.”she answered.
i turned to Ms. X ” thanks for coming, visit us more”
she just said ” thanks, bye”
i shut the door then waved them goodbye, then i went inside our house turned off the lights, closed the door and headed for some nearby mall, i needed people, i needed noise, i needed to feel life was still going on.
i called that friend on my way and it took really long before he answered that worried me.
-:” hey, how ya? still alive?
?:”yes, thanks, so how was your little party?”
-:” good, you should have come!” -you lying bitch, you don’t wanna see him again- i thought.
?:” i have a headache”
-:”take some aspirin then”
?:”ok, i will, where are you now, i called your home and no one picked”
-:”oh yeah, i’m out”
?:” can you come visit me?”
-:”eerrr i’d love to but i’m a bit busy right now” {i was trying to avoid him as much as possible and he sensed it}
?:” ok then, have a good time”
-:” do you need anything?”
?:”just hugs”
-:”hihihi, that’s cool, bye, stay sic”
he hung up without saying good-bye, it was so wrong of me to say ‘stay sick’
walking in the cold icy sidewalks of here always make me feel like embracing death, “dead of cold” may be that’s another way of committing suicide.
i spent the rest of the day thinking about the word “positive”
it looked so disgusting to me. i could give him the hug he needed, it was just a hug and nobody gets AIDS by hugging a fully dressed man.
i’m sick of myself, i’m sick of this world, he’s too young, he could have a good life but now all he has is a dark future.
i thought of Ms. X’s tears, Meg said she felt so sorry for me, actually she wanted to call and advise me to change myself but Meg told me it wasn’t the right time cos one of my friends had an accident and i’m not in good moods.
wish he had an accident but life goes on, he’s still too young so he can build himself a different future, he can keep strong!
*****************
and i hate the word “positive”
it could be me, it could be me, couldn’t it?
this hollow is so shallow, this hole is sick, this place is so dark, this man is bleeding
and that fucking positive result could be mine.
why everyone in this room is naked?!

a while ago i could say what was the wrongest thing i ever done in my life but now i’m not sure anymore
i know having sex with my own cousin was so wrong, i know quitting university before getting my master’s was so wrong, i know drinking alcohol was so wrong, i know doing drugs was so wrong (may be even toking that bad habit of mine that cant get rid of it really is wrong too!)
may be marrying meg was the wrongest. i knew i was gay from day one but i tried to deny it(just like having bipolar disorder). i know im a worthless exhibitionist cos im half naked standing infronna the window most of the year and more than that i enjoy stripping for strangers , i know i love baby alexis (this is a fatherly feeling). i know i had a few boy friends that turned my life into a real hell (but every one may meet & love wrong people), i know i hate gang bangs (cos i hate crowded places-more than 3-). i know though 3 & 4 somes were my fantasies once, in reality it was utter shit and pain.
i know i sometimes enjoy being a whore and yet there are many things i don’t know but there’s this fact : i cant be a wonderful gay daddy and i cant stay gay and have Meg as well.
may be this makes some people who care happy, me and J broke up or as he says ” i dumped him”. i dont wanna blame him on anything, it was all my fault, he was a nice guy but i shouldn’t let him in this much, may be we were sharing love and passion we weren’t suppose to share intimate things like family, wife, baby.
it was my own stupidity or his eagerness to have a share in everything. as far as i know Meg never let him get too close to her, an arm round the waist was ok but more than that she always got up and went to another room to do the things she prenteded that must be done instantly.
i think she wasn’t much interested in our moans and groans and it wasn’t a turn-on to watch another guy fucking the legs off her husband. yes i should have known all these but men are not that understanding until you give them clear clues or tell them what you really think.
i really hated myself when i told Meg about breaking up with J and she embraced me so tight bursting into tears and sobbing hard, i felt sorry for her.  i told myself “look bitch, what have you done to her!”
i’m so used to analyzing my own feelings to find out how real they are, may be it’s a bipolar habit of mine but i cant analyze my love to Meg, i have NFI about it, may be it’s because she wasn’t my girl-friend in the first place, may be it’s still that brotherly-sisterly promise we made long time ago that keep us together or may be it’s because of Alexis.i dunno and i don’t care to know any more.

but for me being gay now sounds like a choice and not something natural. there must be a reason it same sex affairs are forbidden in many religions and cultures.

i’m not sure what i really wanna do from now on. obviously i have that feeling and chemistry for guys that cant be ignored.

i even tried to find some hot girls for a fuck to confirm being straight or at least bi but they make me sick to death.

so i’ve decided not to force myself or Meg into choosing something hurriedly, i wanna think and i don’t wanna deny i still feel so dammed gay but let’s spend a while with my wife than dating guys and see what’s gonna happen next!

so the other day, i mean last night, as usual we had our gathering in a little restaurant not far from where we live.
i have to mention it’s been snowing ice and shit (something like cats and dogs!) for a while and as a result of my worst nightmare, i never drive in snowy nights (the reason is obvious, take a few seconds to think of it!) so we let J do the driving and parking & living in Ak, the biggest state of US of A, there ain’t much difference in finding a parking lot unless you have a “disabled” number and I’m not a proved disabled or they don’t count bi polars as mentally disabled guys!
we went in (we: me, Meg & Alexis) & waited but after 10 minutes there was no sign of my fella, J. so we thought he might be killed in action.
after waiting a few more minutes, i decided to live the warm comfy place and look for my missing body, hoping to hear his death report soon probably killed by some hungry bears.
and there came my baby koala, so me and Alexis went outside standing in the snow and singing “Mary had a little fucking lamb” cos she loves that song and walking here and there to avoid being frozen.
alas, there was no sign of J and i was pretty sure that my homosexual nightmares were over and i could get back to my not very straight life, so i hugged Alexis, ran a few yards away from the door to make sure he was dead, then back to the restaurant to ask Meg call him or call 911 when i heard someone calling my name.
as long as it was only me & Alexis on the street, the voice was surely calling me, so i pressed my brake pedal and turned around looking for the source of noise.
i was sorta petrified cos i couldn’t believe my own eyes, fuck my photographic memory, i can hardly remember names and numbers but faces and events stick in my mind for years (& nope it’s not good cos there are many things i wish i could forget but they run infronna my eyes in the undesirable moments)
She was pretty older than i could imagine, well i haven’t met her for more than 15 years but her voice was the same and as strict as ever. once again i felt like the little naughty elementary student i was & god knows how naughty i were, i was a living disaster but i think i would have behaved better if i had known what was waiting for me in the future.
she was my 4th grade teacher, though it was very hard to please her, she’d been the best teacher i ever had.
once i drove my mom really crazy and she threatened me she’s gonna tell Mrs. X, i locked myself up in my room and didn’t talk to my mom for a day; it’s so vague but i think Mrs. X told me something that later i apologized my mom & some years later mom told me actually she had talked to my teacher and she told her not to argue with me a lot, i was just an energetic genius boy & one day she’s gonna be proud of me.
I’m no more energetic nor genius, may be i could become some one to be proud of if i stayed in university but i didn’t and i dunno how my mom feel about me but i guess i didn’t bring shame on my family.
ooopppss back to last night, i was really surprised cos it’s been more than 6 years that we had lost our contact ; i used to send her mails (not e-mails!) when we moved to another city the next year and we kept in touch till me & her moved to another place at the same time and we had no chance to find each other again and to be honest it’s been a while I’ve forgotten her;-)
yeah, last night, i know!
so after being petrified i woke up again with Alexis squeaky voice, yes she wanted to be introduced 😆
and Mrs. X was over-excited by the extremely cute baby girl i have so she wanted to see her mom so i asked her to join us for dinner so we went in and all those greetings and boring introduction blah blah blah and yes she said i was too lucky to have Meg (fuck it , is it that obvious?!?!)
and i forgot the existence of J when outta nowhere this poisonous mushroom jumped in our little happy company.
after exchanging a few passionate words like where the fcuk you’d been or bitch, didn’t you promised not to smoke, we came to the point of introduction so i said:” this is J, my….. ” and i couldn’t think of a proper word after so many lovely words Mrs X said about having your own family and what a darling family we were, she left no place for my boy friend and thanks to Meg for helping me in the last moment.
“he’s bellboy’s best bud” -yeah that’s it!-
the rest was boring just eating and reviewing old days and telling my wife what a terrible troublesome kid i was that i wished i could drown myself in the glass of coke infronna me cos blushes weren’t enough!
in the end we exchanged addresses and numbers and asked her to come visit us next weekend.
conclusion1: ignore your old teachers when you’re out with your boyfriend!
conclusion2: i love being so gay and still being married to a very straight wonderful woman,(to her: baby, i love yo)

The other day me, Meg and J were discussing random things when Meg mentioned the article she read in the Time magazine (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1584786,00.html) and then 3 of us, being the experts of our own kind, started giving ideas.
And i hate J for making fun of my fears about the baby girl, he can’t understand cos he doesn’t have his own kid and no matter how much he loves Alexis and the other way round and how close we are and doubtlessly how much I love him myself, Alexis is my girl and not his so at most he tries hard every day to teach Alexis new words and as a result she’s hell confused and gave up the idea of talking utterly but still says “no” when necessary.
back to my fear, one of my nightmares is some shithole rape my beloved girl one day and then she cant deal with the feelings and the rest, surely I won’t let that dick-head live one more day as soon as i know his name and i don’t let the jury decide instead of me cos lawyers can influence them easily.(aggressive, huh?!)
Yeah it’s a nightmare and as J mentions almost always, Alexis is jus 1.5 years old and i have a lot more to worry about than the rape and assault but well i can’t help myself so you can blame it on my sick bipolar mind!
But what do you call rape?
Rape (verb): to force somebody to have sex with you when they do not want to by threatening them or using violence

So does it mean you need a gang of masked guys with handcuffs and guns and a shouting crying kidnapped girl to call it rape?
If a woman consents to having sex with a man but then during intercourse says no, and the man continues, is it rape?

And according to that article it depends on where you live. The law in Maryland & North Carolina regards rape as “when a woman says yes, she can’t take it back once sex has begun–or, at least, she can’t call the act rape.”
Mel Feit, executive director of the National Center for Men, a male-advocacy group based in Old Bethpage, N.Y., says “At a certain point during arousal, we don’t have complete control over our ability to stop,” he says. “To equate that with brutal, violent rape weakens the whole concept of rape.” His group has created a “consensual sex contract” to be signed before intercourse.

i don’t deny that there are times the other head decides what to do next but surely i can stop the whole thing using the head with the brain in it. i guess we’re not animals yet, are we?

and it’s ridiculous to sign a contract before sex, just think of the whole procedure that i have to copy the contract umpteenth times and put ’em by the side of the bed, then every time turn the lights on look for a pen and make my wife sign it. And may be we should put a time limit there, she can protest in the first 2 minutes then I can’t stop anything so she better bears with that.
So I must be a real animal then!

I have this understandable rule of thumb, when she (he) says no, it’s a “NO” I shouldn’t try or I have to stop right there and I don’t think it’s to hard to stick with so I expect others to treat me the same way.

To my surprise (not really) Jeff mentioned something that sounded true. Even people in his trade can be raped.
Surely they fuck for the money but if a john do something against they will or as they say “get really fucked” that can be rape! So even prostitutes can be raped, better remember this before contacting the next escort 😉

And it’s a big pleasure to live here, I love Alaska and I love this city or as they say I love the big wild life!
*. The big wild life is the new logo for Anchorage so you better stop laughing at me, d’ah!

i have a lot to say and again my mind is switching between thoughts so fast i can hardly see the point.
1.it’s so funny when you have plenty of spectacular scenery round the corner and you still say i hate the place, so i moved my lazy ass and took a not-artistic picture from where i live, those icicles are beautiful, ain’t they? (and it’s a small place to live, i had to stretch the picture to fit the header, that’s it!)
2. i like checking the “blog stats” button and read the search engine terms, some of them are stupid the others funny, for instance:
you feel guilty when you are silent (not really!)
Alaskans close bathroom window (don’t say anything, i’m trying to figure this out myself!)
whale blubber ice cream (never ate and if it exists, i don’t wanna try it!)
open your mouth i wanna pee in it (this is fcuking rude!)
MEN ARE HAPPIER LIST (did i say mer are happier? from what point of view?)
rude boy keith (yes i know i’m a bit rude but you don’t have to search it, just knock on the door and we can have a little chat!)
heterosexual cannibalism (is the sexuality of cannibals important?)
i want to cry my marriage is hell my in laws (omg, he couldn’t finish his sentence, probably his in-laws killed him but well i love my in-laws so you’re in the wrong place!)
man alaska made ice candle holders (no idea!)
3.me and J went to meet one of his regular johns (does this mean i met my first john?!)
to be honest, i felt a bit bored but it was much better than sitting all alone at home and doing nothing.
don’t get me wrong, this particular john is so special. SHE is in her sixties so i can claim she’s old enough to be my grand ma, she’s sweet, lovely, lonely and loaded and she wants some one’s company than doing anything so it was a fun time
4.this friday the temperature was 48F that meant it was a real hell and hotter than Texas, most of the snow melt and it wasn’t mush but rivers in the streets, thanks heaven it’s cold again, it’s round 20 at the moment
5. Oh, Super bowl, hhhmm i better not to say anything!

I’ve been on suicide watch several times but I’ve never been watched so closely and had the obligation to explain why i did every single thing.
it’s like asking you to explain why you went to the bathroom or why you picked your nose or why you were ogling at the hot girl on the other side of the room!
so all today, the boy and the girl been watching me and complaining about why i didn’t wanna stop acting like assholes, now i wonder “do i want it intentionally”?
till now i was sure Meg was the most annoying creature that insists on going out when i feel so down, my wrong! J is 200 times worse than her.
so i had to be this good boy who listens to whatever others say all day, I’m poisoned now!
and tomorrow i have to start my new job;to be honest I’m hell nervous, i hate meeting new people and working in new places but i can’t stay in the same place with the same people for long.
ironically my life is a real irony.
so me and MY new family went out to a random restaurant & i love J for being the one who pays, that’s awesome and i bet you’re hell jealous, ain’t yo?!
but the headache is still killing me and i can swear to all the assholes on the earth I’m still sober.
congrats to me; the 10th day is almost finished!
to be honest I’m not feeling any better, i feel sick and i can’t sleep or may be i don’t wanna sleep and the most horrible thing is i can’t surf the net tonight cos i have nowhere to go. i either have to wake the girls up in the middle of the night or drive the boy crazy cos he can’t sleep with the lights on. so I’d better sit quietly on the bed and do nothing!
it’s so ridiculous that i cant think of anything and i cant remember words to make a sentence!
may be it’s because I’ve been playing “bookworm adventures” and it’s a crap game like its name but i spent more than 2 hours finishing the first book, now I’m on the 2nd book but words are eating my brain and i can’t think of words with more than 3 letters and unfortunately many of the monsters are immune to 3 letter words so WTF!
******
and not only i hate MSN messenger and it’s a long time since the last time i logged in (more than a year) the fcuking pretty new YM shit my laptop umpteenth time that after restarting 4 times i was so eager to open the window and throw it out. thanks to my awake conscience, i remembered i cant afford a new one so simply uninstalled the fcuking program.
shiitttt, my watchers have sensed my absence and now they’re calling me.i could stare for 2-3 more hours and add a few lines but alas i have to go!
hhmm is it a bad idea to ask J to sleep on the same bed with Meg so i can surf the net all night?!? wink wink

I hate cloudy days and more than that i hate my passive episodes.
i wanna stay in bed and do nothing beside sleeping and crying and praying for my own death.
And how pitiable and helpless i look.
And it fucking ridiculous to share everything you had with some one else unwillingly
And apparently I’m sharing my family with my boyfriend or vice versa.
so my wife my daughter and my boyfriend are out going to the movies and restaurants and me sitting on the bed staring at the traffic light on the other side of the street and counting the cars passing the light and waiting for them.
i need a dead body, it can be me it can be some one else.
and how meaningless is the word “my”?
do i have anything of my own?
yes i still have my body but i lost my soul again in a crowded street the other day!

there’s this funny fact that we can’t judge people pretty well by their blogs, we need to meet them and once met, we need some time to talk to them to figure out the likes and dislikes and assess them on jerk-ass-meter.
but there’s one thing i like about the blogsphere and it’s the “about me pages”. sometimes you can’t know more than what you already know but some has really good and funny stuff there, all numbered from 1 to 100. and i wonder why it should be 100, i want it to be 101 nope 121 things about me.
bet it’s gonna take lotta effort to finish it but let’s give it a try
eerrr what should i say here?
1. at the moment the temperature is -22F (-30C, 243K) and the weather forecast for tomorrow is “one sunny warm day”! so i like Alaska
2.i was born on a cold day on December and my favorite season is winter
3.i love snow and snowy trails though i often complain about cold weather
4.i have a degree in materials science and engineering and planning to get my master’s
5.i enjoy reading any article about molds, foundry and semi-solids
6.when i was a little boy i wanted to become a chain killer
7.as a kid i had my own vocabulary and i loved making words ( i still do), my favorite was “chain killer” as a replace for “serial killer”
8.i stuttered a lot when younger, i still do when too nervous
9.i bite and break my nails when stressed
10.my favorite drink is black coffee with no sugar
11.i hate drinking coke or milk
12.i drink more than 2 liters of water per day
13.i have a sweet tooth
14.i eat piles of chocolates and lollipops but i’m still under-weight our friends give us chocolate bars when they wanna surprise us (& it’s finished by the sunset!)
15.i can’t stop eating Hershey’s Kiss and M&M
16.i can eat pizza 7/24 and won’t complain
17.my favorite foods are pepperoni pizza and pasta
18.at weekends i do the cooking cos i have to eat pizza or pasta once a week
19.i put lotta ketchup and cheese on my pizza
20.i don’t like cooking much but i enjoy baking cakes and cookies
21.most of the times i burn my meals when heating
22.i never eat a sandwich on my own
23.i like smelling wet soil and leaves, coffee, spring blossoms and my wife
24.i’m either walking barefoot or having my sneakers on.
25.i used to sleep with window open but here’s so cold and baby Alexis may catch cold
26.i cant sleep without my pillow
27.i hate sleeping with socks on
28.i have more than 15 pairs of socks so i never wash them myself
29.my favorite color is midnight blue
30.more than 70% of my clothes are midnight blue so people think i rarely change my clothes
31.i sleep about 3-4 hours per day and on very rare occasions 15-16 hours when really down
32.i cry a lot but most of the times i deny
33.i love nights, the silence, the darkness and the loud howls of wolves
34.i’m afraid of darkness, height and dogs
35.the best way to torture me is to tie me to a high rock at night and ask your dog to watch me
36.i hate driving and flights
37.i have broken my legs 3 times
38.once i jumped down a high building, broke some bones, fractured my skull and stayed in I.C.U for several days (but at least i found out many people loved me and i got my girl friend back)
39.i have attempted suicide 4 times, all unsuccessful (obvious, right?)
40.i have bipolar disorder, it’s great to feel different from others!
41.i’m sure the pills are not working and Lithium is a great mood stabilizer always keeping you down
42.i have asthma, psoriasis, hypothyroid, i’m allergic to many things. i wanna have diabetes in near future(so probable cos my aunts and uncles have, so did my dad). i may get lung cancer
43.i’m sure i’m gonna die of snake bite
44.i love climbing and i can climb hills, mountains,rocks, ice, walls, elephants…. but i can’t walk on my hands
45.i played basketball a lot but left when i was sure i could continue it professionally
46.i enjoy running in woods, snow and generally nature
47.i run at least 1 hour per day (i imagine running when i don’t feel like it)
48.i like camping in the wild, i have my own tent and 4 sleeping bags
49.my dream is to climb at least one of the peaks in Alps or Himalayas
50.i rather die of cold and hunger than skiing all the way back
51.i can hang from minus slopes and ice
52.i prefer quiet places to crowded gatherings
53.im quite shy and not much sociable
54.i don’t like big bashes and i never invite more than 3-4 people by my will
55.i don’t watch T.V cos we don’t have one
56.i own a rifle and i like to go for hunting but i don’t like killing animals much (i jus enjoy the chase)
57.summer times are perfect for fishing with net
58.i’m so impatient and i get angry easily
59.i argue with my wife whenever i feel bored
60.i love everything about Meg but i wish i’d never met her
61.i like playing with my baby girl, that’s the best way to spend long nights here;Alexis has a big box as her home, that’s the place you can find many lost things and one of my favorite places
62.i like giving Alexis long rides on my back and messing the living room
63.i spend most of my time in the kitchen, sitting on my chair, eating crackers and talking to wife
64. i love my in-laws a lot
65.i work for a Gas company and i earn quite big bucks but i dunno why my account is always empty
66.i hate shopping but if ever go, i must buy the most expensive ones
67.i like Calvin Klein for the briefs
68.i like reading books, my favorites books are:divine comedy, paradise lost, Faust,LOTR and Harry Potter
69.my favorite movies: scar face, insomnia, heat and anything with that guy Al pacino
70.teenage mutant ninja turtles and the Simpsons are my life-time favorites
71.my hero is Michael angelo
72.i hate batman, superman, banana man, iron man and other ….-man, they’re so dumb
73.i can own my house after paying 14 more loans
74.i have an ATV, snow machine and Chevy
75.i hate motorcycles but i like cycling sometimes
76.i wear t-shirts and jeans most of the year
77.i hate going through old albums
78.i have a green thumb, leave your plant with me and it’s gonna be dead in an hour
79.i have more than 10 different cacti and no matter how cold it is, they’re still alive
80.i have a great sense of direction, all i need is a smart map that shows me where i am standing with a cross
81.i enjoy eating fruits, if someone peel it for me
82.i prefer orange cucumber and coconut
83.i suck my thumb when thinking
84.i’m a lefty
85.i hate smokers though i sometimes smoke
86.i hate eating vegetables
87.i avoid pork as much as possible, thinking about pigs’ life make me puke
88.i don’t play cards cos i can’t help myself not to gamble
89.i can play zither, guitar and a little bass but i hate drums & piano
90.i like playing and singing with my wife sitting by the side of river
91.my wife don’t let me own a guitar cos i give her headaches
92.i enjoy listening to anything metal
93.my favorite bands are Metallica, black sabbath, Kiss, Deep purple, slipknot, Korn, Queen,misfits and surely Marylin Manson
94.i was so jealous of my older brother as a kid, i still am!
95.for a while i thought i loved my granny more than my mom cos my mom was very strict
96.my granny was the first to know about my partners, once she asked if i could stay with the same girl for more than 2 weeks!
97.i worshiped my parents and mostly my dad, i always want to be a great dad like him
98.my dad never read me books, instead he made stories, the hero was a sheep called “bizhy-bizhy” who wetted his pants when he was frightened(zh like the “s” in measure.) he had a snake friend and later when he (& we) grew older he found himself a girlfriend.
99.my parents died in a car wreck in 1996
100.both my grandpas died in 1966, one died of cancer the other of heart-attack
101.i’m gonna die in 2026, so i have less than 20 years to live! (that’s too long!)
102.i was born in L.A. but i spent most of my life in New England , specially Boston
103i hated school so at 17 i went to university
104.i always enjoyed playing with little kids but i was afraid of having my own
105.i like to mess the house and let wife clean it
106.i always thought i was hell ugly but later i discovered i was wrong
107.i had quite many girl friends but almost all of them left when i switched to very depressive moods
108.none of my friends thought i would ever get married (so did i)
109.my first shag was at 15, it was such a horrible experience i didn’t try sex for nearly a year
110.my granny told me masturbation was a big sin and every time i did it , i would kill a kitten
111.the first time i heard about masturbation i had NFI, and i was sure i’d never done it but i did things that sounded so natural to me, later i knew the name
112. i was a real homo-phobic at school
113. the first time i felt something for a guy i cried all night
114. i can be extremely straight or fucking gay, so i must be bi
115.my wife is like a sister to me and our relation was never sex-based
116.i would be six feet under if i hadn’t met Meg. it’s horrible to live with a bipolar
117. i went to the coldest city in northern hemisphere for the honeymoon
118.not only me & my brothers have names starting with “K”; my mom and dad had names with “K” too. (shouldn’t i put a K-name on my daughter?)
119. i enjoy solving maths problems
120. i won’t trade my family with anything
121.if i could choose to be someone, i would be myself

  • Pansexual, omnisexual, anthrosexual, and pomosexual (postmodern sexuality) are substitute terms that rather than referring to both or “bi” gender attraction, refer to all or “omni” gender attraction, and are used mainly by those who wish to express acceptance of all gender possibilities including transgender and intersex people, not just two. Pansexuality sometimes includes an attraction for less mainstream sexual activities, such as BDSM. Some people who might otherwise identify as pansexual or omnisexual choose to self-identify as bisexual because the term bisexual is more widely known, and because they see it as an important term in identity politics.
  • Bi-permissive describes someone who does not actively seek out sexual relations with a given gender, but is open to them. Such a person may self-identify as heterosexual or homosexual, and engage predominantly in sexual acts with individuals of the corresponding gender, and might be rated 1 or 5 on Kinsey’s scale. Near-synonyms include heteroflexible and homoflexible.
  • Ambisexual indicates a primarily indiscriminate attraction to either sex. A person who self-identifies as ambisexual might be attracted with equal intensity on physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual levels to partner(s) regardless of sex or gender presentation, while upholding selectivity standards in other areas. Some might experience equally intense attractions that could be triggered by sex- or gender-specific traits in given the partner(s). A person with this orientation might fall in the 3 category on Kinsey’s scale, as would some who subscribe to the 2 or 4 rating (although some individuals in these latter categories consider themselves Bi-permissive).
  • Bi-curious, has several distinct and sometimes contradictory meanings. It is commonly found in personal ads from those who identify as heterosexual but are interested in homosexual “experimentation”. Such people are commonly suspected – not necessarily correctly – of being homosexuals or bisexuals in denial of their homosexuality. It can also be used to describe someone as being passively-bi, bi-permissive or open to indirect bisexual contact.
  • Trisexual (sometimes trysexual) is either an extension of, or a pun on bisexual. In its more serious usage, it indicates an interest in transgender persons in addition to cissexual men and women. In its more humorous usage, it refers to someone who will try any sexual experience.
  • Biphobia describes a fear or condemnation of bisexuality, usually based in a belief that only heterosexuality and homosexuality are genuine orientations and appropriate lifestyles. Bisexual persons may also be the target of homophobia from those who consider only heterosexuality appropriate. The reverse can also apply in that bisexual persons may be targets of heterophobia or discrimination by some gays/homosexuals.
  • Passively-bi, aka open-minded is a non-gender specific term that describes a straight or bi-curious person who is open to incidental or direct contact (typically in a Group sex scenario) from a MOTSS, usually without reciprocation.
  • Actively-bi is a non-gender specific term that describes a bi-curious/bisexual person who initiates direct contact with a MOTSS.

let’s call it hibernation cos it never lasted this long and i was never so up when down. i can assume this fucking mood stabilizers are not working.
to summarize my time from Friday afternoon till now; i’ve slept more than 40 hours and i’m still in bed, a bit sleepy and surely planning to sleep more. so lemme see, it means i ‘ve been awake less than 7 hours, what have i done then?
ate brunch & dinner 2 times, ate lotta chocolate, coffee, tea and coke. omg i had more than 10 cups of coffee and slept that long. i think i argued and cried a bit and wrote some random mails, called my bros without getting any call back.
what else? aha took a cold shower cos that was the only thing i could think of to keep me awake. it’s about 14F outside and inside it must be round 20F, it’s all snowing and the temperature has remained quite the same in the last 3-4 days.
it’s so funny that i’m spending most of my weekends on my own, shouldn’t i go out and join any available partying crowd?!
since back, i stopped labeling my own feelings and instead i’m trying to label Meg’s feelings. she’s as calm and patient as ever but a bit quiet when she’s on her own.
she protested a few times that i better get outta bed and go out for a walk but it was useless so she & Alex left to join her parents for a change and to my surprise she didn’t call once since gone or wait….
oooppsss sorry, she called, i was asleep 😉
i’ve thought a lot about my life and related things since yesterday (surely while i was asleep!)
i’ve reviewed many things and i dunno why but they got so complicated and then i realized i was weaving a story and that was not really my own life 😉
i feel so nervous and as Thursday comes closer i feel worse. i hate being judged and i have tones of “shouldn’t” signs in my brain that i can’t find part A & B to match them.
the ridiculous thing is whenever i try to look sane i think of little Angela and how dead she is and the fact that this spring there won’t be any baby cry beside Alexis usual shouts and then i burst into tears without feeling sad, actually without feeling anything.
i’ve started another foolish battle between “stupid me” & “wise me” that surely will end nowhere but hell and i better stop acting like kids before Thursday, God can you show me a way outta this hell?

devilishly i have thought of another try, and then i can see “wise me” shouting “get a grip man, give another try to what? wasn’t the pain enough for both of you?”
i think i have masochism too, or may be sadomasochism or masosadism????
can i die before Thursday then reborn when they leave?
why am i so stressed? it’s jus a simple gathering, take it easy pal!
ok i haven’t met most of those guys and Meg hasn’t either well she’d met them long ago but not recently, people change, don’t they? so they shouldn’t expect much!
to be or not to be?! is it a question to mind?
“to marry or not to marry?” another silly question.
why did we get married so hurriedly?
why there was no wedding ceremony?
why in-laws were so angry?
why none of my family came?
why did we go to church instead of mosque?
why i have so many unanswered question in my empty skull?
why some relatives of her want to come for her birthday after so many years not caring about her?ain’t birthdays something private?
why i haven’t bought her anything yet and why should i care so much?
why am i taking very simple things so serious?
nothing’s gonna happen on Thursday, i jus go to the airport, take them home, have a simple birthday party, put my best genius look on, behave well, dress good, and they leave, easy, right?
and what should i give her for her birthday?! i dunno, may be a noose!
God we’ve been together for for nearly 8 years and i’ve never been this much nervous, i know she doesn’t mind and whatever i give her she’s gonna love it but this time it seems i have to act like a very good husband, yes i’m not her boy friend or some stranger guy who slept with her for a change.
Husband: the man that a woman is married to; a married man!
did you know husband is a verb too? i didn’t. husband (verb) : to use something very carefully and make sure that you do not waste it.
we don’t have “wife” as a verb, do we?
lend me a dictionary, i need one!
i’ve gone insane, i must have fever. calm down boy! wtf is wrong with you?!
i wanna sleep more may be i can see a way out.
it may sound casual and irrational but i’ve been thinking about my mom’s wedding ring and i have no idea what happened to it. someone must have it but who he/ she is!
shiit why am i sounding like a 100 yr ol man having a foot in the grave?!!!
something is very wrong with me and i have to figure out before it’s too late but i wanna turn this putter down and sleep, it’s so dark outside and looking at the screen hurts my eyes, should i turn the light on!?

What is the degree of family involvement in the treatment program?

Drug abuse and alcoholism affects the entire family, not just the alcoholic/addict. Quite often family members do not realize how deeply they have been affected by chemical dependency. Family involvement is an important component of recovery.

Drug Rehabs vary in the degree and quality of family involvement opportunities. Some offer just a few lectures and others offer family therapy. Ask if there is any time devoted to family programs and if group therapy is included.

Does drug rehabilitation include a quality continuing care program?

There are no quick fixes for the diseases of drug abuse and alcoholism. Recovery is an ongoing process. The skills one learns during intensive rehabilitation treatment must be integrated into everyday life and this takes time.

Some drug addiction treatment programs will offer a follow-up program but only in one location which may make it difficult to use.

Drug rehabilitation treatment programs should include a quality, continuing care program that supports and monitors recovery.

Adolescent Substance Abuse

Being a teenager and raising a teenager are individually, and collectively, enormous challenges. For many teens, illicit substance use and abuse become part of the landscape of their teenage years. Although most adolescents who use drugs do not progress to become drug abusers, or drug addicts in adulthood, drug use in adolescence is a very risky proposition. Even small degrees of substance abuse (for example, alcohol, marijuana, and inhalants) can have negative consequences. Typically, school and relationships, notably family relationships, are among the life areas that are most influenced by drug use and abuse.

One of the most telling signs of a teen’s increasing involvement with drugs is when drug use becomes part of the teen’s daily life. Preoccupation with drugs can crowd out previously important activities, and the manner in which the teen views him or her self may change in unrealistic and inaccurate directions. Friendship groups may change, sometimes dramatically, and relationships with family members can become more distant or conflictual. Further bad signs include more frequent use or use of greater amounts of a certain drug, or use of more dangerous drugs, such as cocaine, amphetamines, or heroin. Persistent patterns of drug use in adolescence are a sign that problems in that teen’s environment exist and need to be addressed immediately.

What causes adolescent substance abuse?
There is no single cause of adolescent drug problems. Drug abuse develops over time; it does not start as full-blown abuse or addiction. There are different pathways or routes to the development of a teen’s drug problems. Some of the factors that may place teens at risk for developing drug problems include:

  •  
    • insufficient parental supervision and monitoring
    • lack of communication and interaction between parents and kids
    • poorly defined and poorly communicated rules and expectations against drug use
    • inconsistent and excessively severe discipline
    • family conflict
    • favorable parental attitudes toward adolescent alcohol and drug use, and parental alcoholism or drug use

It is important to also pay attention to individual risk factors. These include:

  •  
    • high sensation seeking
    • impulsiveness
    • psychological distress
    • difficulty maintaining emotional stability
    • perceptions of extensive use by peers
    • perceived low harmfulness to use