Skip navigation

when he doesn’t take his pills, his world looks so crazily crazy.
honestly i haven’t finished my report yet, there’s still a lot left and I’m not sure whether i can finish it tonight or not cos I’m so down and depressed and surely I’m not in the mood of doing anything right now.
I’m glad you’re feeling better and at last you found some time to spare and check here…………………..
you know every word i type takes ages to come to my mind and it takes me a good 5 minute to finish every line. i type a few words, stare at the screen and then ask myself:” then what? is it all you want Keith? are you sure these are the words you wanna say?” then i answer myself with a big NO and another long meaningless stare.
(you have no idea how long it took me to write the lines above!)
i feel weak, my hands are cold as ice, yes it’s nothing unusual. i dunno why my hands are so cold every day and it’s been like this all my life.
I still remember that guy at highschool, I still remember his green eyes and warm big hands and how much i enjoyed sitting by his side and he holding my hands in his so they wouldn’t feel numb anymore. i remember once i told him:” B I really love you, why you keep on ignoring me?” and he didn’t say a word, just smiled and held my hands tighter. I wish i could see him again and this time i wouldn’t hesitate to kiss him.
sometimes I’m not sure how alive i am cos it’s hard to hear my own heart-beat and yes my hands are cold, as cold as the ice outside; then how could i be still alive?!
it must be something very weird to feel ok, so are you ok?
you know i had to finish that fucking report but i didn’t. it was a “must-be-done” obliged by myself cos i have to read tones of articles and there are 2 articles that i have to write it by myself in a week time and i don’t have any idea how to write them cos i have to open piles of books and spend hours searching before i can write the introduction;and next week I’m going back to Anchorage and it’s again another +12 hours working everyday and would i have enough energy to finish anything?! surely not cos I’m not a super hero with significant natural powers.
Keith, don’t drown, for God’s sake, don’t drown!

I’m sick of myself, I’m sick of this world, I’m sick of everything and everyone cos there’s no reason left to go on, i wish i could puke my brain and dig into my rib case to take my warm beating heart out just to take a look at it, just to make sure it’s still beating. and what should i do if it wasn’t beating, it wasn’t warm but a big cold stony thing?!

how much i like to lock this door and stay in my bedroom forever, and do you know how long forever is?! is it too long?
i would have locked the door if i knew where the key was but the key is not in this room; it’s not here so where is it?
yes i know it must be miles away, probably melted to something better, may be a a wire for cutting heads, but who makes wires outta cast iron?! Keith, you know no one do that cos it’s not possible to extrude cast iron that much! you passed that course, didn’t you?

so why i agreed with her that we shouldn’t lock doors in our home?! i dunno, may be she was afraid of the day i do something stupid?! then that’s so stupid cos I’m doing stupid things everyday and why should she bother if i hurt myself? is it really that important?

i spent most of the day reading and thinking; what was the name of that book? i dunno
And who was the writer? i don’t have any clue, but i know it was written in French and all i read was a quite good translation that you had to re-read some parts to understand and you couldn’t skip lines.
and how much i felt like the heroine of that tragedy , was she the heroine then? did she drown herself? if she did then why the writer didn’t say anything? why I’m still sitting in my bedroom on bare floor and leaning against the door so no one can come in!
it must have been a good story that i cried when it finished. and i cant see the point those fucking tears are getting together to make a big drop and run down my face just to give me a feeling of wetness and salt.
hey it’s been years since the time you grew up and you’re still seeking for that thing, for that lost part of your past?! and why don’t you stop it? yes i know you like dreaming about your own nightmares and what’s that big nightmare making you hide behind your blanket and weep sadly? are you really that sad or you like that bitter feeling of being lost in your never-land and cry for help. shout as loud as you can and then shut your mouth cos there’s no voice left for you and you know nobody cares!
you care?! why should you? tell me just a reason and that’s gonna be enough!
because you love me?! that’s stupid cos i cant see the reason to be loved.

no, i wasn’t created to be an angel, i was made to be a fallen creature struggling in his own shit every minute. so where are you hiding now? don’t you really wanna think nasty and talk dirty? where’s your next blog entry? look that guy’s such a turn-on , how dare you stand still and stare at the nothingness infronna your eyes when he’s shaking that sexy ass so wild!?!

how sick i feel, how tired i feel and how much………. no i don’t want this dirty life end cos i cant stand my own shouts and cries and begs when suffering that eternal torture on my sluttish body.
“I didn’t give you this body for your sexual pleasure, you were supposed to worship me, to praise me, to beg me to forgive your stupidity. how dare you committed so many sins in front of my very eyes, you little worthless creature of mine” he’s gonna say this, he’s waiting there to rip my flesh with his divine sword and say this to me.
” so you wanted to be disobedient?! you thought that it was a big ridiculous joke written in those holy books saved there just for you to laugh at in the future and tease your creator!? who you thought you were?! weren’t you another creature i made cos you had to exist on this big planet so i could show my heavenly powers, I’m the mighty one, so kneel and praise me.
you rude creature, how dare you stare at me with your sinful eyes. i didn’t give you those eyes to gaze at whatever bare body you could find; those eyes were given to cry for forgiveness.”

I’m an attention seeker, i do anything to attract attention and i don’t mind what it is: it can be exposing my body to whoever wants or exposing my thoughts to strangers. i offer you my hand for help but actually all i want is pulling you closer to own you. i want you for myself, i want you to pay attention to me and just me!
and how lonely i am cos I’m lost. he’s there watching me, waiting for me to call him and he’s gonna take me outta this shit with his almighty hands.
“call me son”
” no, i don’t like you, i cant see the reason to love that infinite eternity. why you created me? how dare you created such a weak creature that you knew he’d fall and could never climb up to your heavenly doors?! you enjoy watching me suffer from my own sins every now and then that i feel there’s no reason for living but just loving you and then i go, i cry helplessly in front of your powerful eyes and go. go back to my every day life.
“so how’s Alexis doing? want a ride on daddy’s back?!”
or kissing my sweetheart and saying” babe, so what should i buy today?”
or spanking that boy and slipping a tongue in his warm mouth and thinking:” he tastes so good”

how real are they? ain’t they a reflection of my own thoughts?
who am i? what am i doing here? are you sure I’m the one I’m trying to show?

I’m 26, i have a degree in material…………… how do you know?
it’s obvious? yes I’m so fond of metals, I’ve been a fan of heavy metal all my life, huh?! no not that metal? so you want me to talk about forging? or why you cant weld aluminum? or how you can make nano-wires?!
how small a nano-wire is?! i think i have some wires in my closet, lemme bring ’em!

I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m weak, this stomachache is killing me, it’s been days since the first time it bugged me. ” i must be hungry” so i eat, i empty plates but it gets worse. i try to ignore it. then it must be PMS. PMS? are you alright?
yes I’m alright, I’m sure, it’s my PMS!
so when did you last have a period?!
hhhmmm i don’t remember, it must be years ago. yes it’s so long i don’t remember when it was. can you tell me how it is like, may be i have one right now?!

where’s that book*? was it a book or just notes? where have i put it? did i really read it?or may be it was a dream?
momma, i wanna talk to you!, do you know where daddy is? huh?! he’s gone. yeah yeah i know.
what? it’s not polite to use “yeah and huh!” why momma, why it is like this?
huh? i shouldn’t call you momma cos it’s childish?! then what should i call you? is it ok if i call you mom, or what about mommy, i think mummy’s gonna be much better!

why i felt so much like Clarice? yes you were such a good mom. i could kiss and hug you whenever i like but did you ever botheryourself to ask me how i felt?
“mommy i feel sore in my throat”
–“ok, i’m gonna take you to the doctor, i’m gonna make you soups, i’m gonna give you orange juice”
“mommy, i won’t come home before 8, we’regonna have a game with the other team from the other school”
–” ok, but be home before 9″
“momma, you know today i scored 20 points all on my own, you know we win and those guys were so tall i have to pass the ball between their legs”
–“why your clothes are so dirty? put ’em in the washing machine and hey wash your legs before going to bed”
“momma i got A+ in my geometry exam and you know it was so hard, many of the other kids could hardly get a “D”!”
–“good, now wash your hands and come have dinner”
“momma, why you never take a look at my report cards?”
–“cos i know you have good marks!”
“momma, do you know which grade i am in?”
—————–
“momma i need a bike”
” if you get good marks, we’re gonna buy you one”
“momma, ever wondered how i go to school?”
“yes by bus!”
“so why you never take me there?”
“cos you can go yourself”
“momma do you wanna come and see the final game?”
“no, i hate basketball”
“momma we won, take a look at my -fake- medal?”
“put it there and take a shower”
“momma, my friend john told me his mom helps him with his homework, so why don’t you help me?”
“cos you have to do it on your own”
“momma may i sit on your lap?”
“wait, i have to finish cooking”
“momma can i sit on your lap now and you run your fingers through my hair”
“ok”
“why don’t you cut your hair?”
” ok, i’m gonna do it, if you kiss me”
and she kissed me.
“why you never kissed me good night?”
“cos you’re a man now”
“but you never did it when i was a kid”
she turned her head.
“keith, don’t cllimb that tree, you’re gonna hurt yourself”
“no, i won’t, wanna come up?!”
“momma why you never come to school and talk to my teachers”
“for what?!”
“to see how i am doing at school”
” cos there’s no need, i know you’re a good student”
*********
“momma, you gotta come to my school tomorrow”
“why? ask your dad to come”
“no you must come”
after lots of struggles she came.
” you know Mrs…… you have a genius son but ….” they didn’t let me stay.
on the way home. “momma, why are you so silent”
she didn’t answer, surely she was thinking about what i did.
the next day she gave me a box of color pencil. i knew what i had to do, i gave it to the boy sitting next to me; later i threw his pencil box in the garbage can. no i didn’t want his pens, i want my mom to come to my school, she didn’t say a word. did she understand why i did it?!
*********
“momma today i met…..” slamming the door, she doesn’t mind i met someone i love.
“momma you know today me and … went to the lockers and……….” yes she doesn’t care her son is no more virgin.
and did she ever ask me why?!
yes once she found the romantic letters i wrote.
“so tell me what are these?”
“nothing, well they’re not mine, they’re for my friend’s. he gave them to me so……..”
shit why i could never lie to her.
“end it, you’re still a child”
” ok mom. ok, i will”
yes i ended everything, and she didn’t bother herself to ask me whether i loved her or not!
AND YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN I GOT MARRIED, YOU WEREN’T THERE TO SEE YOUR GRAND DAUGHTER AND YOU’RE NOT HERE TO SEE HER TALK!

yes, i’m 26. i’m a grown up man or at least i look like one and i’m still looking for a mom.
that old lady sitting in the park,yeah she’s so perfect to be my mom.

“do you want a son?”
“do you wanna be my mom?”
“i promise to be a good boy , you know there’s something bothering me, there’s something eating me from inside and i don’t wanna tell my wife, ….. yes she understands but……..
thank you
can i sit here?
am i a bad son?
you know i really tried to be better but i cant change myself.
you know last night………
hhhmm actually ………
yoohoo any body there?
you’re gonna mail me, ain’t you?
what?1 you’re busy tonight? ok i can wait- or i have to wait-
am i bothering you?
do you mind if i kiss you?
can you hug me?
i’m not feeling ok.
you know you’re such a good mom, i love you…………

BUT YOU’RE NOT MY MOM AND YOU NEVER WANNA HAVE SUCH A SON BUT WELL YOU’RE SO GOOD THAT YOU DON’T WANNA BREAK MY HEART. OK I TRY TO BE YOUR MOM BUT YOU KNOW……
YES I KNOW, YOU’RE NOT MY MOM, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND THERE’S NO REASON TO CARE ABOUT SOMEONE LIVING MILES AWAY. SOMEONE YOU MAY NEVER SEE!
I APPRECIATE YOUR ATTENTION AND I LOVE YOU AND YOU KNOW IT’S NOT JUST WORDS….
I WISH YOU WERE MY MOM AND THANKS FOR EVERYTHING**

*.I was reading this:” Elle est parite” by ” Catherine Guillebaud”
**. those words asking you to be my mom are so familiar to your eyes, am i right? and you know I’m talking to you and i knew no other way to thank you.
***. i know no one wants a son like me but if you ever wanted a son for free, I’d be happy to have a mom!

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. @happychick: so you think i have any control over these thoughts? sorry ma’am, i would have stopped them if i could! and you really talk like my doctor. yes i can see the pattern, it’s white with blue spots….
    actually to some extent you’re right but that’s not the main reason. thanks for your concern, me appreciates!

  2. Keith you have to stop this destructive behaviour! There is a pattern here- I see it. Ever since you moved, ever since you and J had the fight- I’m scared for you, don’t you do something you’ll regret.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: