Skip navigation

romanheart.jpg

*:”thanks, it was a good night. we’re gonna meet again, right?”

# counting the extras:”yeah sure, why not?”

*:”can we meet this saturday?”

#:”let’s discuss it later, i gotta check my calender.”

*:”k, bye then.”

and how much i hated idiot johns like, *, when trying to act nothing has happened and ending their conversation with nice words.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Being tied to the bed, struggling with the pain, looking for a way to get rid of the addiction: I HAD ENOUGH TIME TO THINK, to review, to remind myself who i was, who i am and who i will be.

i wasn’t born a whore, actually i had one of those wonderful families with caring parents. my best mate was my dad and sometimes i feel he was the only one in this world i felt so close. both my parents were graduated from good universities, we weren’t rich but almost alway i had whatever i wanted so i’m quite spoiled.i went to good schools but most of ’em cramming religious stuff to weekly lessons. i read bible and went to church every Sunday.

i was so dependent to my parents, suddenly my house of dreams turned into ruin, i had no where to go, i was lost and nobody cared cos i was old enough to stand on my own feet and i hated God. i remembered all those fucking moral lessons so i took the road going left cos it was said the road on the right side ended to his fucking paradise.

Sex, the big taboo in my life then looked so fascinating. i could see all roads ended there and though painful the first time it still looked mysterious and and inner will asked me to give it another chance to exist.

some thought i was genius, i ignored them. but in the end i was the one who got the scholarship to prove that i didn’t need anyone’s help or sympathy, to prove i wanted my uncle dead, to prove he wasn’t my dad so he had no right to decide for me, to prove i was better than him and to prove i could do terrible things to his family right under his nose without him noticing. & it was no pleasure when after so many years i told him me and his daughter fucked each other more than he could count, it was a silly revenge that cost me a dirty soul that could never been cleaned.

the first time i did it the only reason was being too drunk and too curious but later i did it for the money. it’s easy to say, it looks like nothing when you watch in those XXX movies but actually the very first times are not that easy. you’re just selling your body to worthless drunkards who hardly remember their own names to gain what? just 50$ if lucky.

you could smell alcohol on my breath and i denied drinking; you could see empty syringe by my bed and i found it insulting to be considered a junkie, you could see the cum dripping from my butt and i refused to admit being a cheap  pro.  and how silly i was.

I don’t remember how i survived; well i do but i don’t wanna recall.

my soul is restless, my brain switches between moods and feelings so quickly sometimes my body can’t adjust and i found a few reasons to explain my bad behavior, the best and the most favorite is suffering from bipolar disorder. WTF! those who’re familiar with it, know it can be a trigger but not a reason, so i’m a shameless lier.

And the pain, sometimes it gets so intense i wanna die and well that’s the thing i want most of my days.

it was so ridiculous they didn’t fire me from university and it was a worse joke telling me i was graduated!

i loved kids but never thought of having one of my own, i enjoyed dating girls, calling some of them “girl friend” but i never wanted a female creature in my life, even the sex with them was a mean of masturbatory  aid. Getting my ass involved in a straight marriage was never on my list.  And i always tried to look at guys as a mean for earning easy money, how could i love a guy when the word gay wasn’t defined in my homophobic dictionary!

i still remember my first serious relation with a guy, we weren’t of the same kind yet i loved him. i still remember the feeling of envy i had meeting the gay couple living on the last story of the little creepy place i shared with a black guy.

She must be a magician, she must have poisoned me, she must have stolen my soul and made me dependent to her breath to live another moment. she slipped into my life quietly, introducing herself as a room mate. then she named herself a “good shoulder to cry on”. and now she owns me or at least she as my soul though there are times she can’t own my body or mind.

she looked so much like a human,  so she deceived me easily into handing her the key to my heart. my heart was filled with hatred, she cleaned it and put her love there. i told her there shouldn’t be any girl in my heart cos i was so gay, she smiled and said:”homosexuality is a choice” i betrayed her, hit her, cheated on her, insulted her. she stared at my eyes telling me my eyes were still innocent.

i left her to meet some fresh guys, to heal my gay feelings, to prove myself that my heart had no place for her, she showed me a very little ugly creature and called it “my child.

i told her that child wasn’t mine, it was a bastard. she gave me reasons i couldn’t deny. she said the baby wasn’t a bastard cos she had a dad and i was her dad. i told her i wasn’t born  to be a parent. she insisted and i told her i’d rather die than being her dad. i didn’t want to be her dad so i tried to kill her dad. why i survived, i still don’t know; may be it was her prayers that saved my shitty life.

i left her with her ugly child, looking for more guys to fuck, to sooth the never ending hunger of my inner lust. i enjoyed working in a gay bar, the money wasn’t so good but at least i could show my lustful body.

she prayed and prayed and prayed nights and days not to have me back but to save my soul. So i met a very hot guy that the first thing i wanted to do was to rip his pants off and  do his ass. he turned out to be my guardian angel, so pure i never dared touching him and he kicked my ass really hard that when with lotta trouble i managed to stand on my own feet, i was walking in a path full of lights, it was the right path i didn’t take years ago to show Mr. almighty i wasn’t his puppet.

i tried to be someone else, to love Mr. almighty, to love his creatures, to love my soul. it was a good experience i have to admit. Islam was a good inhibitor for me that put a big “don’t touch” sign on many things. i enjoyed some of them so i’m gonna stick to them for the rest of my life. But it seems i was born gay if not slut.

i was sure there won’t be any human being on this planet that could love me; i was wrong! and i hurt many of those caring humans. i tried to be as straight as possible but that’s not on my list. i love my boy friend but not as much as my family. and i enjoyed his escorting job though it was very sick for a married man that no matter i enjoy fucking random genius guys, i put it on my “never-done-again” list.

And i spent the rest of the night thinking and thinking and thinking. Thinking about the girl who enchanted me with her never-ending love. i even went through some old blog entries and i dunno who the fuck writes like this on his wedding day:

let’s stop for a second, kick everyone around then shout as loud as you can.

life’s so boringly mysterious.

congrats to myself.

i ate 2 ice-creams; watched Marilyn Manson, Korn & Kittie for 3-4 hours & finished my template.

beside that i only slept 2 hours cos i couldnt sleep!

wow im so happy. have a terrible headache; feel everything’s spinning round my head & see everything in the style of 3 year ol’ kids drawings!

could i have a better day than this!

let’s rock the world, i wanna turn the speakers up so i can shake the whole house, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, i love ittttttttttttt! (shout please)

im gonna make you, shake you ,take you, im ganna be the one who breaks youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

& this for the day after his marriage:

when nightmares come true

marilyn manson(the nobodies).JPG

i always thought of a time machine when i was a little boy; i didnt want it to go to past but to future.

i really wanted to know what would happen to me when i grow up.

obviously if we knew what’s waiting for us in the future,…….. fill the rest the way you like!

i aint gonna say anymore.

 i have a calender hanging in my room & it shows april 6th 2006; omg that means im getting older each day; there’s no time machine & as a result no future !lol

jus imagine if one of your nightmares come true; how would you feel?

if you could choose which nightmare come true, what would you choose?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while & the conclusion is my real nightmare had come true without me noticing!

seems i missed the point; no other chance to choose.

ok better change this guy singing foolishly in my ears; he’s driving me crazy.

i’m sick of myself cos i don’t wanna confess i didn’t mention Alexis existence before deciding to have another baby and there are lots of more not to be mentioned!

and now my wife’s colleagues refer to me as a caring dad and a responsible husband, if only they knew what a devil lives behind that innocent mask!

all i want now is to get rid of this excruciating pain and get back to work, finish my fucking contract and go back to where i belon. somewhere i have more time to play with my little girl and annoy my wife!

*. if you know what kinda creature i am, please let me know!

Advertisements

6 Comments

  1. You’ve been a good e-pal and a good bro for this past one year.
    sometimes i miss my old bro.

  2. there’s nothing to miss , rinnie! we change as we get older, let’s hope we change in a good way!

  3. change is inevitable, either we face it with long strides or make a head on collision… 😉

    so what’s this ‘gayness’ all ’bout?! :p

  4. yeah right.
    i can mail you about the “gayness” if you like!

  5. sure! would love if you would! haha :p

  6. @mayang:hmmm i mailed you 😉


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: