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yesterday wasn’t simply my day and it seems today is no better.
i dunno it’s cos of the dull weather or meeting my teacher and recalling things i didn’t like or another bipolar depression or it’s only because of the bad news i received.
i avoided everyone as much as i could, i avoided trees, cars, sun, snow, ice, Alexis’ little smiles, an old excited teacher, Meg’s sweet words, lunch, dinner , breakfast but i couldn’t avoid myself. it just didn’t let me go and his bitter smiles, his disgusting tone, his bad habits, …make me sick, make feel sick to death, make me think that i’m one of those shitty creepy worthless creatures that must be tied to an electric chair right away.
i don’t look at myself in the mirror cos he’s ugly, he’s dirty, he’s disgusting, he’s sick.
he’s hurting me so bad that i have no idea how i can get rid of him. should call 911, should i find an assassin ? does it worth the trouble?
i spent most of yesterday outside cos i knew my bitter tongue would says things that the ending would be annoying arguments.
i put the most indifferent mask i have on, i try to look nice, clean, smelling good, smiling at any asshole crossing the street.
on my organizer i found a little note about my old teacher and we were supposed to meet her in the same restaurant we met the first time; i took a look at the jar on the vanity, it was almost empty, just 20 bucks and a few coins and that wasn’t enough for a night out.
i went straight to the kitchen and asked Meg if she mind cooking lunch for my teacher as well.
she gave me one of those meaningless grins and i interpreted it as a yes, so i called Ms. X and asked her to have lunch with us.
the place looked clean cos me and Meg cleaned it early morning and Alexis was still in bed so there was no toy on the floor.
i made a bee line for the door, there wasn’t anything in the house that must be done by me.
“where ya goin?” Meg asked as i opened the door.
me:”to hell”
Meg:”then stay there forever”
me:” i’m gonna try but you know they won’t keep me there for long”
i spent the next two hours walking up and down the streets, all i wanted was a cup of coffee to drown myself in it.
i was thinking of that terrible phone call.
-:” so what was the result?”
?:”positive”
-:what?”
the positive word was repeating in my head so loud i was sure it’s gonna explode.
and how much i wished that positive thing was something really positive.
his tone frightened me, he was so young, so lively so cool and now i was looking at him drowning in the most positive hell and i was there and watching him and doing nothing than saying :” i’m sorry bud, you’re gonna be fine, it’s not that bad!”
and to whom i am lying, it is that bad!
all day i thought about what a friend told me a few days ago
“the true story is that you “want” to sell yourself.you are hurting your soul.”

the images kept on coming and going, moving fast, then slow, then fast, words echoing in my head. “you’re a bastard keith” that’s what Meg told me once.

i drove all the way to Ms. X place, picked her up and tried to tell her as many jokes as i could remember, she was happy, i was drowning gradually.
the lunch was great, everything Meg makes if not burnt by me tastes yummy.

it was going to be a good afternoon, recalling old happy childhood, Ms. X told Meg what a naughty boy i was. “i think he climbed all the trees round his school, didn’t you keith?”
i was trying to find Alexis teddy bear behind the sofa. “i guess i tried most of them”

Meg looked astonished.
Ms. X reviewed more of her past or let’s say our past, she talked about my letters with so many mistakes and meaningless unfinished sentences, she always sent me my corrected mail.

then again age 16, bodies, shouts, cries, sirens, uurrghh i’m sick of recalling that night & she wanted to know how they died. “is it really that important?” i wondered.
i tried my best not to drop a tear and the day looked shitty again.
i summarized my last 10 years into a few long sentences and then disappeared with Alexis to play hide & sick. i felt sick so sick. i looked at those Prozac pills in the closet, then some sleeping pills, then Alexis, then the extra dosage of lithium. i wanted to puke myself, he was bothering me again.
i was singing :”mary had a little fucking lamb” and Alexis repeated in her crazy way.
“why should i care about Mary’s lamb?”

“Keith” Meg called me after a while, it was time for coffee, my worst addiction.
you must be insane to drink coffee when you have sleeping problems.
I went to kitchen to pour myself some coffee.
Meg & Ms. X were talking about something i could hardly hear, it was more like whispers.
then they talked louder.
meg:” i dunno, sometimes it annoys me, you know he’s Bi”
Ms. X. “oh” then she sighed and added ” he used to be a good boy, he was just…..”
i shouted:” who ya talkin about?”
Meg stared at me, sniffed then said:” you”
“i’m not Bi”
Meg put her finger on her nose and made a voiceless shush.
Ms X looked up, she was crying, i brought her a box of tissues, she put her hand on mine, it was so warm or mine is so cold or as Meg says i’m a walking body always cold.
Ms. X. whispered:” why keith? why you? you were so good, so kind, so…….”
i interrupted her:” why me what?” and i knew what she was talking about.
i went on:” what’s wrong with loving another man?”
“but you’re married keith” she replied
“so?”
she didn’t say anything, she just looked in my eyes and her looks were deep, heavy, unbearable.
i looked elsewhere. the atmosphere was so tense, i looked at Meg asking for her help.
” do you want milk with your coffee?” at last Meg asked.
” no thanks”
she drank her coffee, we exchanged looks for a while and then she said she had to go.
“i’m gonna take you home” taking my parka.
“no i can go on my own” she was avoiding me obviously.
Meg went to the bedroom to change her clothes and i put on some clothes on Alexis.
Ms. X was standing by the door, i unlocked the car and seated Alexis on the back seat, she was singing happily cos she likes going out, i handed Meg my keys and opened the front door for Ms. X. Meg started the engine. “i wanna visit one of my friends” she said.
“ok, are you coming back for the dinner?” i asked
” i think so, i ‘m gonna call.”she answered.
i turned to Ms. X ” thanks for coming, visit us more”
she just said ” thanks, bye”
i shut the door then waved them goodbye, then i went inside our house turned off the lights, closed the door and headed for some nearby mall, i needed people, i needed noise, i needed to feel life was still going on.
i called that friend on my way and it took really long before he answered that worried me.
-:” hey, how ya? still alive?
?:”yes, thanks, so how was your little party?”
-:” good, you should have come!” -you lying bitch, you don’t wanna see him again- i thought.
?:” i have a headache”
-:”take some aspirin then”
?:”ok, i will, where are you now, i called your home and no one picked”
-:”oh yeah, i’m out”
?:” can you come visit me?”
-:”eerrr i’d love to but i’m a bit busy right now” {i was trying to avoid him as much as possible and he sensed it}
?:” ok then, have a good time”
-:” do you need anything?”
?:”just hugs”
-:”hihihi, that’s cool, bye, stay sic”
he hung up without saying good-bye, it was so wrong of me to say ‘stay sick’
walking in the cold icy sidewalks of here always make me feel like embracing death, “dead of cold” may be that’s another way of committing suicide.
i spent the rest of the day thinking about the word “positive”
it looked so disgusting to me. i could give him the hug he needed, it was just a hug and nobody gets AIDS by hugging a fully dressed man.
i’m sick of myself, i’m sick of this world, he’s too young, he could have a good life but now all he has is a dark future.
i thought of Ms. X’s tears, Meg said she felt so sorry for me, actually she wanted to call and advise me to change myself but Meg told me it wasn’t the right time cos one of my friends had an accident and i’m not in good moods.
wish he had an accident but life goes on, he’s still too young so he can build himself a different future, he can keep strong!
*****************
and i hate the word “positive”
it could be me, it could be me, couldn’t it?
this hollow is so shallow, this hole is sick, this place is so dark, this man is bleeding
and that fucking positive result could be mine.
why everyone in this room is naked?!

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4 Comments

  1. “When our values are different from others, they want to judge us and call us pervs. Us pervs can say that BUT NOT THEM. Fuck them in the neck with their own lousy attitude.” Momma Perv

  2. momma perv is right, but this time i wasnt thinking of pervs, i was thinking of myslef, i can have AIDS too, cant i? and that would be horrible

  3. get tested hun

  4. surely i will, i’m gonna do it today 😉


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