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a while ago i could say what was the wrongest thing i ever done in my life but now i’m not sure anymore
i know having sex with my own cousin was so wrong, i know quitting university before getting my master’s was so wrong, i know drinking alcohol was so wrong, i know doing drugs was so wrong (may be even toking that bad habit of mine that cant get rid of it really is wrong too!)
may be marrying meg was the wrongest. i knew i was gay from day one but i tried to deny it(just like having bipolar disorder). i know im a worthless exhibitionist cos im half naked standing infronna the window most of the year and more than that i enjoy stripping for strangers , i know i love baby alexis (this is a fatherly feeling). i know i had a few boy friends that turned my life into a real hell (but every one may meet & love wrong people), i know i hate gang bangs (cos i hate crowded places-more than 3-). i know though 3 & 4 somes were my fantasies once, in reality it was utter shit and pain.
i know i sometimes enjoy being a whore and yet there are many things i don’t know but there’s this fact : i cant be a wonderful gay daddy and i cant stay gay and have Meg as well.
may be this makes some people who care happy, me and J broke up or as he says ” i dumped him”. i dont wanna blame him on anything, it was all my fault, he was a nice guy but i shouldn’t let him in this much, may be we were sharing love and passion we weren’t suppose to share intimate things like family, wife, baby.
it was my own stupidity or his eagerness to have a share in everything. as far as i know Meg never let him get too close to her, an arm round the waist was ok but more than that she always got up and went to another room to do the things she prenteded that must be done instantly.
i think she wasn’t much interested in our moans and groans and it wasn’t a turn-on to watch another guy fucking the legs off her husband. yes i should have known all these but men are not that understanding until you give them clear clues or tell them what you really think.
i really hated myself when i told Meg about breaking up with J and she embraced me so tight bursting into tears and sobbing hard, i felt sorry for her.  i told myself “look bitch, what have you done to her!”
i’m so used to analyzing my own feelings to find out how real they are, may be it’s a bipolar habit of mine but i cant analyze my love to Meg, i have NFI about it, may be it’s because she wasn’t my girl-friend in the first place, may be it’s still that brotherly-sisterly promise we made long time ago that keep us together or may be it’s because of Alexis.i dunno and i don’t care to know any more.

but for me being gay now sounds like a choice and not something natural. there must be a reason it same sex affairs are forbidden in many religions and cultures.

i’m not sure what i really wanna do from now on. obviously i have that feeling and chemistry for guys that cant be ignored.

i even tried to find some hot girls for a fuck to confirm being straight or at least bi but they make me sick to death.

so i’ve decided not to force myself or Meg into choosing something hurriedly, i wanna think and i don’t wanna deny i still feel so dammed gay but let’s spend a while with my wife than dating guys and see what’s gonna happen next!

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4 Comments

  1. There is nothing wrong with being gay … only people’s attitudes towards it … I would like to say those attitudes are changing … they are … but not quick enough.

    This Summer I make a Best Woman’s Speech at the wedding of one of my closest friends … I am truly overwhelmed and honoured that she as asked me … the wedding will be beautiful. My friend is marrying her girlfriend in a Civil Ceremony at in church in our city that conducts Civil Ceremonies.

    I will watch two people who love each other, committ their lives to each other, and I think THAT is what is important.

    Be who you are … love who you want to … it’s hard enough to find someone to love and who loves you back … you have two people who love you … greedy boy!

    big kiss
    X

  2. Sorry … my spelling in the above post is atrocious … I have had three hours sleep and my glasses are upstairs and I am too damn lazy to go and get them … I blame the lack of sleep on my legs being lethargic… but it’s not true!!

    I am going back to bed … I may have to crawl up the stairs!

    xx

  3. Being gay is not a “choice.” At least not from my perspective. Now I may sound a bit hypocritical here as I’ve been with men since I’ve been “gay” or a “lesbian” but it was when I’ve been hypomanic and completely messed up emotionally and a whole lot other things. Not that those are excuses–just the reasons.

    Now does that make me any less “gay?” No. I suppose you could call me “bi” but just because I participated in a physical act doesn’t mean squat. There is more to the “lifestyle” and the identity than just sex. Do we need to reduce it to that? Now we sound like all the stupid biased straight people that think all we ARE interested in is sex an lead such tawdry lifestyles. Give me a break.

    I hate labels anyway. But we must use them, I suppose. It doesn’t matter who you want to love or be with in life. God, you’re lucky enough if you can find anyone, regardless of sex/gender.

  4. @minxy: yeah right, thanks
    @PA: i know that manic times when you do things that suck, that doesn’t explain the feeling you have when you’re depressed and in love!


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