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Monthly Archives: February 2007

Team Eagle created “Snowzilla — I’ll Show You A Big Wild Life!” at the GCI Snow Sculpture contest downtown near the railroad tracks. People can pick up a paper ballot near the entrance to the sculptures and vote for their favorites, which are on display through Sunday.

so today the sun is shining, the sky is blue the temperature’s around 12 now and it’s gonna be round zero at night.

it’s 4.30 pm and it’s still day that means spring is coming

i’m dying for an hour sleep but cant so i can take some sleep when i get home.

today i moved my fcuking ass and took one of those killing tests.

i almost shit in my pants when looking for the results.

yippeeee it was negative, no AIDS for me.

well i knew i was this good boy doing it all in a very safe way, didn’t i?

yaaaawwwnnnn

ok so let’s go back to the book i was reading, “paradise lost”

as soon as i finish my work i’m gonna treat anyone to dinner.**

*********

lemme close my eyes

lemme sleep here and die?!?!

*. i know there’s no word like sunnily but that’s how i feel now

**. this one was a big lie, i haven’t got my check for the first salary yet!

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there are many times i feel like slaves, but they were happier, they knew what they were.

sometimes life gives us lessons that we can’t see at that time but we could live better if we were aware of ’em.

and how much i wanna sit down and write but i have to go to work

it’s sunny outside and warm, so let’s have Alaska news

Alaska pilot lands on Oregon highway
BAKER CITY, Ore. – Poor weather forced a Ketchikan pilot to land on an Oregon highway in his seaplane, Oregon State Police said.

*********

The sunset provides a warm backdrop as the 2007 Anchorage Fur Rendezvous kicks off with traditional fireworks, Feb. 23, 2007, in a view seen from Arctic Valley Road. The show was sponsored by AT&T Alascom.

huh, why i cant put the pic here???!! never mind it was just another Alaskan sunset.

love me more.

and i think i write better when depressed, don’t you think so?

*. i read my previous post and shit it had lotta mistakes, i must read my own crap at least once before publishing! but well i enjoyed that post cos i could see myself walking infronna my eyes hihihi

yesterday wasn’t simply my day and it seems today is no better.
i dunno it’s cos of the dull weather or meeting my teacher and recalling things i didn’t like or another bipolar depression or it’s only because of the bad news i received.
i avoided everyone as much as i could, i avoided trees, cars, sun, snow, ice, Alexis’ little smiles, an old excited teacher, Meg’s sweet words, lunch, dinner , breakfast but i couldn’t avoid myself. it just didn’t let me go and his bitter smiles, his disgusting tone, his bad habits, …make me sick, make feel sick to death, make me think that i’m one of those shitty creepy worthless creatures that must be tied to an electric chair right away.
i don’t look at myself in the mirror cos he’s ugly, he’s dirty, he’s disgusting, he’s sick.
he’s hurting me so bad that i have no idea how i can get rid of him. should call 911, should i find an assassin ? does it worth the trouble?
i spent most of yesterday outside cos i knew my bitter tongue would says things that the ending would be annoying arguments.
i put the most indifferent mask i have on, i try to look nice, clean, smelling good, smiling at any asshole crossing the street.
on my organizer i found a little note about my old teacher and we were supposed to meet her in the same restaurant we met the first time; i took a look at the jar on the vanity, it was almost empty, just 20 bucks and a few coins and that wasn’t enough for a night out.
i went straight to the kitchen and asked Meg if she mind cooking lunch for my teacher as well.
she gave me one of those meaningless grins and i interpreted it as a yes, so i called Ms. X and asked her to have lunch with us.
the place looked clean cos me and Meg cleaned it early morning and Alexis was still in bed so there was no toy on the floor.
i made a bee line for the door, there wasn’t anything in the house that must be done by me.
“where ya goin?” Meg asked as i opened the door.
me:”to hell”
Meg:”then stay there forever”
me:” i’m gonna try but you know they won’t keep me there for long”
i spent the next two hours walking up and down the streets, all i wanted was a cup of coffee to drown myself in it.
i was thinking of that terrible phone call.
-:” so what was the result?”
?:”positive”
-:what?”
the positive word was repeating in my head so loud i was sure it’s gonna explode.
and how much i wished that positive thing was something really positive.
his tone frightened me, he was so young, so lively so cool and now i was looking at him drowning in the most positive hell and i was there and watching him and doing nothing than saying :” i’m sorry bud, you’re gonna be fine, it’s not that bad!”
and to whom i am lying, it is that bad!
all day i thought about what a friend told me a few days ago
“the true story is that you “want” to sell yourself.you are hurting your soul.”

the images kept on coming and going, moving fast, then slow, then fast, words echoing in my head. “you’re a bastard keith” that’s what Meg told me once.

i drove all the way to Ms. X place, picked her up and tried to tell her as many jokes as i could remember, she was happy, i was drowning gradually.
the lunch was great, everything Meg makes if not burnt by me tastes yummy.

it was going to be a good afternoon, recalling old happy childhood, Ms. X told Meg what a naughty boy i was. “i think he climbed all the trees round his school, didn’t you keith?”
i was trying to find Alexis teddy bear behind the sofa. “i guess i tried most of them”

Meg looked astonished.
Ms. X reviewed more of her past or let’s say our past, she talked about my letters with so many mistakes and meaningless unfinished sentences, she always sent me my corrected mail.

then again age 16, bodies, shouts, cries, sirens, uurrghh i’m sick of recalling that night & she wanted to know how they died. “is it really that important?” i wondered.
i tried my best not to drop a tear and the day looked shitty again.
i summarized my last 10 years into a few long sentences and then disappeared with Alexis to play hide & sick. i felt sick so sick. i looked at those Prozac pills in the closet, then some sleeping pills, then Alexis, then the extra dosage of lithium. i wanted to puke myself, he was bothering me again.
i was singing :”mary had a little fucking lamb” and Alexis repeated in her crazy way.
“why should i care about Mary’s lamb?”

“Keith” Meg called me after a while, it was time for coffee, my worst addiction.
you must be insane to drink coffee when you have sleeping problems.
I went to kitchen to pour myself some coffee.
Meg & Ms. X were talking about something i could hardly hear, it was more like whispers.
then they talked louder.
meg:” i dunno, sometimes it annoys me, you know he’s Bi”
Ms. X. “oh” then she sighed and added ” he used to be a good boy, he was just…..”
i shouted:” who ya talkin about?”
Meg stared at me, sniffed then said:” you”
“i’m not Bi”
Meg put her finger on her nose and made a voiceless shush.
Ms X looked up, she was crying, i brought her a box of tissues, she put her hand on mine, it was so warm or mine is so cold or as Meg says i’m a walking body always cold.
Ms. X. whispered:” why keith? why you? you were so good, so kind, so…….”
i interrupted her:” why me what?” and i knew what she was talking about.
i went on:” what’s wrong with loving another man?”
“but you’re married keith” she replied
“so?”
she didn’t say anything, she just looked in my eyes and her looks were deep, heavy, unbearable.
i looked elsewhere. the atmosphere was so tense, i looked at Meg asking for her help.
” do you want milk with your coffee?” at last Meg asked.
” no thanks”
she drank her coffee, we exchanged looks for a while and then she said she had to go.
“i’m gonna take you home” taking my parka.
“no i can go on my own” she was avoiding me obviously.
Meg went to the bedroom to change her clothes and i put on some clothes on Alexis.
Ms. X was standing by the door, i unlocked the car and seated Alexis on the back seat, she was singing happily cos she likes going out, i handed Meg my keys and opened the front door for Ms. X. Meg started the engine. “i wanna visit one of my friends” she said.
“ok, are you coming back for the dinner?” i asked
” i think so, i ‘m gonna call.”she answered.
i turned to Ms. X ” thanks for coming, visit us more”
she just said ” thanks, bye”
i shut the door then waved them goodbye, then i went inside our house turned off the lights, closed the door and headed for some nearby mall, i needed people, i needed noise, i needed to feel life was still going on.
i called that friend on my way and it took really long before he answered that worried me.
-:” hey, how ya? still alive?
?:”yes, thanks, so how was your little party?”
-:” good, you should have come!” -you lying bitch, you don’t wanna see him again- i thought.
?:” i have a headache”
-:”take some aspirin then”
?:”ok, i will, where are you now, i called your home and no one picked”
-:”oh yeah, i’m out”
?:” can you come visit me?”
-:”eerrr i’d love to but i’m a bit busy right now” {i was trying to avoid him as much as possible and he sensed it}
?:” ok then, have a good time”
-:” do you need anything?”
?:”just hugs”
-:”hihihi, that’s cool, bye, stay sic”
he hung up without saying good-bye, it was so wrong of me to say ‘stay sick’
walking in the cold icy sidewalks of here always make me feel like embracing death, “dead of cold” may be that’s another way of committing suicide.
i spent the rest of the day thinking about the word “positive”
it looked so disgusting to me. i could give him the hug he needed, it was just a hug and nobody gets AIDS by hugging a fully dressed man.
i’m sick of myself, i’m sick of this world, he’s too young, he could have a good life but now all he has is a dark future.
i thought of Ms. X’s tears, Meg said she felt so sorry for me, actually she wanted to call and advise me to change myself but Meg told me it wasn’t the right time cos one of my friends had an accident and i’m not in good moods.
wish he had an accident but life goes on, he’s still too young so he can build himself a different future, he can keep strong!
*****************
and i hate the word “positive”
it could be me, it could be me, couldn’t it?
this hollow is so shallow, this hole is sick, this place is so dark, this man is bleeding
and that fucking positive result could be mine.
why everyone in this room is naked?!

*. if you’re under 18 click the X on the right corner please, I don’t want your moms to leave insulting comments here!
He’s been taking that bus almost every day to go to school but that day it was so crowded and the sun was shining brightly stabbing his rays on his body, he made one last effort to get inside and the door pushed closed.
Not only the bus was exploding with people; the roads were covered with immobile cars. He took a look at his watch. “Oh no, I’m gonna be late today” he murmured.
The bus slowly found its way through the traffic, whizzzz the door opened and he had to get outta the bus to let other passengers exit.
Many got out and he found enough space to stand at the end of the bus easily, and again the vehicle started its snail like movements. “20 more minutes, or I’m gonna be really late” he thought when he took a quick look at the clock in the middle of the square infronna him.
He grabbed a book from his back pack and started reading a few pages to forget passing of time, he had to write down a report based on the book beside the exam he had early that morning.
Again the door opened “shit, fuck the driver, does he have to cram so many people in?!”
The bus again got full of people, he focused on his book.
he tried to concentrate but he felt something warm pressing against his bottom, he turned his head to look around, a guy was standing right behind him with a piece of “New York time’s” in his hand and apparently reading something interesting cause he didn’t even look at him. “Fuck this shitty life, it’s so hot and crowded” he wondered then tried to find the line he was reading.
“When used as part of the common name for an organism that is not a heteropteran……………”
‘Oh holy shit’ that guy was pushing his body on his again.
He tried his best to ignore his existence “for an organism……..”
He heard the sound of paper from behind, “he wanna get out at last” was the thought came to his mind.
The door opened again, he watched people getting out but there was no sign of him. The door closed and the bus headed to its final destination where he had to run all the way to his school and surely he was already late for his entomology class.
He took a look at his watch ” oh heavens it’s 5 to 8″
Even if he could run as fast as the wind he couldn’t be at school earlier than 15 of 8.
“….heteropteran, the word bug is usually not separated—e.g., ladybug a member of the beetle order Coleoptera-….” he looked out to see where he was and then to the driver, the bus was still so crowded that was quite hard to breathe in such a hot day.
“mealybug (a homopteran), doodlebug (a neuropteran larva)…” he repeated in his mind ” so mealybug is a homopteran… ooooooooohh” he felt something going up and down his ass chick.
For a few seconds he closed his eyes, bit his lower lip and took a deep breath, then reached for his back with his hand to see what was bugging him.
“oouch” he felt someone else’s hand as he was squeezing his left ass chick.
He put his hand on the invader’s hands, then turned his head and some of his body “holy fuck, it was the guy with the papers in his hand”
the stranger smiled and asked:” whacha reading?” his hand was still on his ass.
“Something about bugs” the boy answered.
The stranger started making circles on his back “and ain’t you supposed to be at school by now?”
He had a strange feeling in his groin, ” yes and I know I’m a bit late”
The bus slowed down, the stranger inserted a finger inside his jeans “smooth, you have a tender skin”
The bus stopped at last and one by one people got outta it. He was enjoying the sensation but he had to get out so the stranger pulled his hand away from his body.
He jumped down and put his book back in his backpack. Now the stranger guy was standing beside him looking at his watch.
“When are you supposed to be at school?” he asked as they began walking in the direction the boy took every day to get to school.
“8, sir and i have to go now cause I have an exam and already late!” he answered increasing his pace.
“Yes, surely you’re late, well too late because it’s 20 past 8” the stranger grinned trying to catch with him.
The boy stopped and took a look at his watch, yeah it was really late, there was at least 10 minutes to school from where he was standing & the teacher was so strict that wouldn’t let him take the exam.
“Right, sir” he sighed “but i have to go to school any way, I have other classes too” and began walking again now making some distance from the stranger.
the stranger took a few fast steps now walking side to side, “you know…..” they passed a dead-end street, the stranger pushed him inside, then went on” you look cute, how old are you?”
The boy felt quite frightened and started taking some steps back and keeping some distance between himself and that guy.
he kept on walking backward and the stranger got closer till he felt the wall against his back, there was no where to go and he was trapped.
“I have to go” he murmured it was a dark place and at that time the street looked so empty. “where had all those people gone?” he wondered, then looked around examining the whole place with his eyes, he could escape if he acted fast.
The stranger stopped and took a look at his eyes as if trying to read his mind.
The boy could feel sweat drops running down his spine.
“i don’t wanna harm you, babe” the stranger said at last trying to calm the boy down.
Now he was standing right infronna him and he felt too frightened to escape.
The stranger put his hand on his shoulder and pressed him against the wall “I jus wanna see a few things”
“Please lemme go” the boy begged him.
“It won’t take too long, ok?”
May be it was a good idea to scream for help but nobody could hear him. He thought it was worth trying so he opened his mouth and shouted as loud as he could “hhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………” the stranger put his hand on his mouth.
“nice try young man, but nobody gonna hear you so better stop struggling.”
“What do you want from me?” the boy asked with trembling voice.
“Nothing much, just I want you to unzip your jeans and show me whacha hiding there” he simpered.
The boy felt extremely helpless
“Please, lemme go!”
“Com’on outta your pants, right now” the stranger ordered.
“I beg you” he cried, putting his hands infronna his body to protect himself.
“I beg you” the stranger imitated his voice “you’re such a pussy, stop acting so effeminate” he hit him against the wall and grabbed hold of his pants trying to rip it.
His jeans fell to the floor infronna his tearful eyes, now he was struggling with his pants.
“noooo” the boy made his last attempt to escape, he pushed the stranger and started to run keeping an eye on the attacker, “yeah” he thought and then bang, something hit his head.
The world started orbiting round his head, fast, fast and faster that it was hard to keep his balance.
“ouccchhh” something hard hit his stomach and then his groin and again his head, he heard something crashing into pieces & then the pain; it was so intense he couldn’t bear it anymore, he fell on his knees and the last thing he could see was the vague figures of two guys approaching him
To be continued ….

i’ve been spending some time finishing this but i’m too sleepy to think of an end for it!

a while ago i could say what was the wrongest thing i ever done in my life but now i’m not sure anymore
i know having sex with my own cousin was so wrong, i know quitting university before getting my master’s was so wrong, i know drinking alcohol was so wrong, i know doing drugs was so wrong (may be even toking that bad habit of mine that cant get rid of it really is wrong too!)
may be marrying meg was the wrongest. i knew i was gay from day one but i tried to deny it(just like having bipolar disorder). i know im a worthless exhibitionist cos im half naked standing infronna the window most of the year and more than that i enjoy stripping for strangers , i know i love baby alexis (this is a fatherly feeling). i know i had a few boy friends that turned my life into a real hell (but every one may meet & love wrong people), i know i hate gang bangs (cos i hate crowded places-more than 3-). i know though 3 & 4 somes were my fantasies once, in reality it was utter shit and pain.
i know i sometimes enjoy being a whore and yet there are many things i don’t know but there’s this fact : i cant be a wonderful gay daddy and i cant stay gay and have Meg as well.
may be this makes some people who care happy, me and J broke up or as he says ” i dumped him”. i dont wanna blame him on anything, it was all my fault, he was a nice guy but i shouldn’t let him in this much, may be we were sharing love and passion we weren’t suppose to share intimate things like family, wife, baby.
it was my own stupidity or his eagerness to have a share in everything. as far as i know Meg never let him get too close to her, an arm round the waist was ok but more than that she always got up and went to another room to do the things she prenteded that must be done instantly.
i think she wasn’t much interested in our moans and groans and it wasn’t a turn-on to watch another guy fucking the legs off her husband. yes i should have known all these but men are not that understanding until you give them clear clues or tell them what you really think.
i really hated myself when i told Meg about breaking up with J and she embraced me so tight bursting into tears and sobbing hard, i felt sorry for her.  i told myself “look bitch, what have you done to her!”
i’m so used to analyzing my own feelings to find out how real they are, may be it’s a bipolar habit of mine but i cant analyze my love to Meg, i have NFI about it, may be it’s because she wasn’t my girl-friend in the first place, may be it’s still that brotherly-sisterly promise we made long time ago that keep us together or may be it’s because of Alexis.i dunno and i don’t care to know any more.

but for me being gay now sounds like a choice and not something natural. there must be a reason it same sex affairs are forbidden in many religions and cultures.

i’m not sure what i really wanna do from now on. obviously i have that feeling and chemistry for guys that cant be ignored.

i even tried to find some hot girls for a fuck to confirm being straight or at least bi but they make me sick to death.

so i’ve decided not to force myself or Meg into choosing something hurriedly, i wanna think and i don’t wanna deny i still feel so dammed gay but let’s spend a while with my wife than dating guys and see what’s gonna happen next!

this is just a note for myself to remember cos things cant be as beautiful and erotic as erotica.
actually i met that guy, he was fine, well-built, handsome….
when i say he was fine dont doubt it cos i’m not much into colored cocks, masculine guys or even bears. i prefer people of my own kind and well may be he was a bit better than me but i know im not ugly!
whatever it was, it was just fucking for the money and i really had no fucking idea what the hell i was doing there.
i know im quite an exhibitionist but prostitution was never defined in my own scales.
so i kissed, licked, gave a bj and finger-fucked his virgin ass and that was it; he thought my dick was too big to find its way to his back door without pain (bitch, im not big) so i went on kissing and squeezing his balls till i heard my cell-phone ringing.
and actually it was the alarm clock i set for 2 hours as we’d agreed on it.
i picked up the phone and pretended i was talking to someone and i had to go.
ridiculously i didn’t even took my clothes off. so i zipped my jeans, gave him a long french kiss (he almost chocked cos of my naughty tongue moves and explores too quickly & he lied about how great it was, who was he kidding?!)
i went to the bathroom to brush my teeth & refresh the taste in my mouth; got my money ( & he paid 50 more bucks cos i didnt fuck his tight ass LOL) got back to my car and drove all the way back to the office.
as long as i didnt want to go back home i found a place for parking and spent the rest of the night shivering and shaking of cold. it was a good punishment!
nobody hates easy money & escorting can be one of the easiest ways for earning big bucks but it has a few problems:
1. it’s not permanent
2.it’s not too healthy
3. no job insurance, security…
4.it’s not really respectable
5. and i think no one likes to say “hey, my dad’s a call boy, what about yours?”

conclusion: i think i can keep my gay feeling for myself and dont express it to any one; besides i was quite talented when born so better stick to my fucking engineering job, they pay me good but i have to work hard &* pay tax!
at least BG won’t be ashamed of me!
*. i’m gonna write some of my experiences with BF & other guys but actually i wanna try erotic literature so i dont have to right things that are based on utter truth from now on!

it was 10 pm when i saved the last document and turned my putter off. Another long working day was over and i had to drive around 30 miles back home on those icy roads. I threw whatever belonged to me in my back pack , changed my clothes, turned the lights off, locked the door, waved mr gaurd goodbye , got into my car, set theengine working, pressed the gas pedal and started my way back home thinking of tomorrow that i had to wake up before 6 and drive all the way back.
it was so cld and actually it was snowing again; i pulled my car over the shoulder and stopped. i closed my eyes for a few minutes to get rid of the physical exhaustion then opened the glove compartment tolook for my cell phone, it was a bit dark inside the car but my fingers were trained to look for things thereso they didn’t any light for that.
there it was , i had a few missed calls from W & BF, i could guess why they have called, i was later than usual and probably that worried them.
then i checked some e-mails as if i was home, relaxing and having a cup of hot coffee.
i kept on checking till i got to something interesting, “yeah, i’m gonna love this guy for tonight”
TBC…..

a bit late but….
There have been many, many times when I may have . . . .

disturbed you,
troubled you,
pestered you,
irritated you,
bugged you, or

got on your nerves,

But today I just want to tell you that…

I PLAN TO CONTINUE !!!!!!!

am i turning to a whore or did i take too much meds?

fuck it, i think i have to hate myself!

so the other day, i mean last night, as usual we had our gathering in a little restaurant not far from where we live.
i have to mention it’s been snowing ice and shit (something like cats and dogs!) for a while and as a result of my worst nightmare, i never drive in snowy nights (the reason is obvious, take a few seconds to think of it!) so we let J do the driving and parking & living in Ak, the biggest state of US of A, there ain’t much difference in finding a parking lot unless you have a “disabled” number and I’m not a proved disabled or they don’t count bi polars as mentally disabled guys!
we went in (we: me, Meg & Alexis) & waited but after 10 minutes there was no sign of my fella, J. so we thought he might be killed in action.
after waiting a few more minutes, i decided to live the warm comfy place and look for my missing body, hoping to hear his death report soon probably killed by some hungry bears.
and there came my baby koala, so me and Alexis went outside standing in the snow and singing “Mary had a little fucking lamb” cos she loves that song and walking here and there to avoid being frozen.
alas, there was no sign of J and i was pretty sure that my homosexual nightmares were over and i could get back to my not very straight life, so i hugged Alexis, ran a few yards away from the door to make sure he was dead, then back to the restaurant to ask Meg call him or call 911 when i heard someone calling my name.
as long as it was only me & Alexis on the street, the voice was surely calling me, so i pressed my brake pedal and turned around looking for the source of noise.
i was sorta petrified cos i couldn’t believe my own eyes, fuck my photographic memory, i can hardly remember names and numbers but faces and events stick in my mind for years (& nope it’s not good cos there are many things i wish i could forget but they run infronna my eyes in the undesirable moments)
She was pretty older than i could imagine, well i haven’t met her for more than 15 years but her voice was the same and as strict as ever. once again i felt like the little naughty elementary student i was & god knows how naughty i were, i was a living disaster but i think i would have behaved better if i had known what was waiting for me in the future.
she was my 4th grade teacher, though it was very hard to please her, she’d been the best teacher i ever had.
once i drove my mom really crazy and she threatened me she’s gonna tell Mrs. X, i locked myself up in my room and didn’t talk to my mom for a day; it’s so vague but i think Mrs. X told me something that later i apologized my mom & some years later mom told me actually she had talked to my teacher and she told her not to argue with me a lot, i was just an energetic genius boy & one day she’s gonna be proud of me.
I’m no more energetic nor genius, may be i could become some one to be proud of if i stayed in university but i didn’t and i dunno how my mom feel about me but i guess i didn’t bring shame on my family.
ooopppss back to last night, i was really surprised cos it’s been more than 6 years that we had lost our contact ; i used to send her mails (not e-mails!) when we moved to another city the next year and we kept in touch till me & her moved to another place at the same time and we had no chance to find each other again and to be honest it’s been a while I’ve forgotten her;-)
yeah, last night, i know!
so after being petrified i woke up again with Alexis squeaky voice, yes she wanted to be introduced 😆
and Mrs. X was over-excited by the extremely cute baby girl i have so she wanted to see her mom so i asked her to join us for dinner so we went in and all those greetings and boring introduction blah blah blah and yes she said i was too lucky to have Meg (fuck it , is it that obvious?!?!)
and i forgot the existence of J when outta nowhere this poisonous mushroom jumped in our little happy company.
after exchanging a few passionate words like where the fcuk you’d been or bitch, didn’t you promised not to smoke, we came to the point of introduction so i said:” this is J, my….. ” and i couldn’t think of a proper word after so many lovely words Mrs X said about having your own family and what a darling family we were, she left no place for my boy friend and thanks to Meg for helping me in the last moment.
“he’s bellboy’s best bud” -yeah that’s it!-
the rest was boring just eating and reviewing old days and telling my wife what a terrible troublesome kid i was that i wished i could drown myself in the glass of coke infronna me cos blushes weren’t enough!
in the end we exchanged addresses and numbers and asked her to come visit us next weekend.
conclusion1: ignore your old teachers when you’re out with your boyfriend!
conclusion2: i love being so gay and still being married to a very straight wonderful woman,(to her: baby, i love yo)

Hey, Everybody: By now you’ve no doubt heard the news that America’s favorite crystal-meth-snorting, male-escort-blowing evangelical Christian pastor is cured! While 99.9 percent of wannabe ex-gays struggle to overcome their homosexuality for decades, Ted Haggard was pronounced “completely heterosexual” after just 21 days of counseling! Don’t you just love a happy ending?

I’d love to devote a whole column to Haggard—there’s just so much to process. For instance, according to the ministers overseeing Haggard’s treatment, Ted was able to “discover” his complete heterosexuality so quickly because his homosexual activity was never “constant.” By that standard I’ve been completely heterosexual since, gee, about 10 minutes after 2:00 this morning.

Yippee! I’m completely heterosexual, too! And as everyone knows, once you’re completely heterosexual all your troubles are over. Just ask San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom.

Never “for the sake of peace and quiet” deny your own experience or convictions. – Dag

i found it really hard to write in third person so let it be me and him!
Me & him met each other in different chat-rooms for a while and slowly slowly we tried to know each other, after a year or so we started voice-chatting and by the end of the second year we used webcams to communicate and sometimes called each other when bored but we were never too close
After 2.5 years knowing each other Me broke up with my girl friend, trying to experience new things, by the end of the 3rd year he told me what he did for the living and we shared a few personal things suggesting it was time to meet.

holdinghands.jpg
but then i changed my way 270 degrees and went on my 2.5 months journey to hell to discover the rights and wrongs!
later on Me moved to the state he lived and got married though i visited his city several times we never had the chance to meet till some time early this year me had to attend in a meeting and we planned to get together at last and Me ended in his place staying for a night and heading home the next morning.
though he was a heavy drinker and smoker we got together better than we expected.
some unexpected things happened later that me, BG & W stayed with him for a while and he was a great support.
I accepted his unusual kindness as something given from a friend but apparently BF wanted us to be more than friends.
Me invited him for W’s birthday party but later changed my mind and asked him not to come. not listening to me at all he turned up uninvited.
that night we ended fucking each other’s brains out.
Later i couldn’t get rid of the feeling of guilt cos i some how cheated on W. it took Me a while to figure things out and starting a new chapter in my shitty life.
So Me & W after much of arguments and fights got to the point that it was something that must be given the chance to be tried, the last decision was to move to BF’s place and share everything with him.
As soon as i managed to get rid of the feeling of guilt and tried to understand the RM, i experienced a new love, something i never felt my whole life. it looked so intense so pure and so fresh that took me a while to undestand the difference between that and what was between Me & W.
now i know that things look much better and brighter when four of us are together, he’s part of the family now and it’s like he’s been there for a long time we can hardly remember how we lived without him. it may look selfish but W loves BF in her own way and BG is too small to understand anything like this.
So i started this blog to analyze my feelings!

it was like this, i swear!

Getting up too early the other day, I drove the 30miles road to the office on a cold dark morning so I could get to work earlier and finish my tasks sooner than usual to have a dinner out with my loved ones on the bleeding heart’s day!
**********
to inform those lovely friends wondering why they received no reply from a net addict like me, i have a few excuses to make:
1. i’ve lost my dentures,ooppps that was Sandra’s excuse!
2.we were packing and moving and those who know me a little better and longer are aware of the fact that how much i love moving (i was born GYPSY!) and this new place though doesn’t belong to us is much better and bigger than J’s place and yes it’s for free cos i work for that fucking company but i really have no idea why it is too far from my working place that i have to go outta home before 6am to be on time.
3. in the last 2 weeks I’ve experienced a new Me, dammed he’s hell responsible, quiet and rarely protests. i dunno how he got in or who let him in but i have to bear him for a while (till the end of my contract) if it was up to me I’ve quit this job the very first week cos I’m working like a donkey and they’re paying as much or sometimes less than other places with shorter working hours, yes he must be sick to stay but he says he has a family to support and he cant leave right away when he has no other place to go cos he has to pay the loans, so let him rule for a while but i swear I’m gonna get my territory back ASAP!
4.I’m trying to (read have) quit my addiction to internet so with all the “no cell phone in, no checking mails…..” policy and long working hours i don’t check my mails daily, let alone other things!
5.And about the valentine. … Me, wife, baby girl and the boy friend had burnt some gray cells of ours and planned a memorable romantic dinner out for the 4 of us. Being so proud of ourselves, we promised to be in that fcuking restaurant at 7.30 pm.
So i put on my tightest jeans* , a reddish orange short and fit sweater, tied my hair in ponytail, put a little dark make-up** & drove to work singing with anyone in my player.
there was a lot to do and it looked like a very busy day but with the help of tones of coffee and piles of chocolates i managed to finish everything before 10 and felt proud of myself but it seems happy moments are meant to last as short as possible.
outta nowhere came this asshole called inspector and the only thing i could think of was cleansing my face, to the men’s room & back & he was in our section.
i tried to ignore his existence and mind my own business but as gay as he was or may be he had a gay-meter he had a crush on my shoes and asked me to show him round the place, not only i looked puzzled and the rest where shocked, i told him it wasn’t my job to do so and i was pretty new to the place myself, i bet he was deaf too.
so Me & the MD showed him everywhere in the whole building and he didn’t let me go earlier than 4pm when he felt exhausted and decided it was time to go meet his shitty sweat-heart!
Should i mention when i got back to my desk i had tones of things to do and my lovely cow-orkers didn’t mind putting their own tasks on my desk and leaving early!
So i called Meg to tell her it was unpossible to have a romantic time out and i couldn’t be home sooner than 11 so she said she’s gonna stay on the night shift cos they were short of staff & I’d better pick Alexis up on the way home so she could sleep on her own bed.
And for J it took Meg a while to find him cos he’s been missing from home since Monday evening meeting so many lonely johns who were dying to pay for a temporary lover (read fucker) on the bleeding heart’s day.
So i had this wonderful Valentine’s working till 10 pm, and spending the night with my lovely asleep daughter who can pronounce almost every one-syllable word with the help of J!
My wife spent her night with some sick people in the hospital and the boyfriend escorted as much as he could.
I didn’t meet any of them earlier than Thursday night; Meg complaining about what a bad and naughty girl Alexis had been since she woke up and J was so sore and exhausted he was sure he wouldn’t meet any john for 2 weeks ( So did I if i earned 9.5K bucks in less than 2.5 days!)
conclusion: Fuck Saint Valentine or any other motherfucker who put this day on the calender! & I’m sure next year I’m gonna take a day off and count the people crossing the road!
hope you had a better time than moi!

part III (some time later)
” i told you not to come here, didn’t i?” RM shouted
“well yes you did but i should meet you, i really need to talk to you about….” BF tried to finish his sentence but RM didn’t let him.
” go back to the hell you came from, i don’t wanna hear anything”
BF:” butttttttttt”
RM:” goooooooo, nowwwwww!”
BF:” there wont be any flight till tomorrow, you don’t wanna leamme in the cold, do you”
RM:” go to a hotel”
BF:” you know i cant find a room for tonight”
RM:”that’s your problem, not mine!”
BF:” lemme stay for the night, just a night!”
RM:” fck you, ok, come but dont expect anything, we have many guests that need a place for sleep.”
so RM opened the door a bit and BF with some struggle got inside
********************
Late that night
RM whispered:” bitch cant you sleep somewhere else?”
BF thought for a second then said:” actually no. you know i’ve never been in love, not like this, i love you from the bottom of my heart, i really cant live a day without you.”
RM replied:” go fuck your mom and shut your shitty mouth up, i wanna sleep”
then he moved tothe other side of the room and tried to sleep
TBC……

as usual i’m earlier than expected but i don’t mind.
let’s drop a tear for the loved ones we lost and let’s give a big kiss to the living ones.

i don’t remember how many e-cards and cards i sent but i’m happy receiving warmer replies, i appreciate.
it’s not that i don’t wanna blog or i don’t have much to say; i don’t have the time. i’m busy like hell, not having enough sleep and not eating enough; i’m not sure how long i can go on!

but well in a day time it’s valentine’s so those lonely people out there, better look for a sweet-heart or i can ask some of my vampire friends to kiss you once!
happy Valentine’s day and don’t eat too much!

read part one (https://bipolaroverdosed.wordpress.com/2007/02/10/bi-x-bi-straight)
sometimes we can’t control our feelings the way we should!
RM:”bitch, yo late, ain’t yo?”
BF:”sorry, it took me longer than expected”
RM(still angry holding his hands near the heater) :” i can feel flakes of ice moving through my veins, i’d be dead if you showed later than this”
BF (now feeling mad at his mate):” i apologized, didn’t i?”
pressing the break pedal to stop by a take-away, he went on:” hey i’m sorry but i really didn’t have a glorious time either, what do you want for dinner.”
RM (mumbling):”nothing, i feel sick.”
to the shop and back, BF stared at RM’s red eyes and whispered:” you look hot baby”
RM (a bit annoyed):”stop this crap, go fuck yer mom!”
A few more blokes and they were in his place
to be continued…..
*. it’s pretty hard to write about things happened a while ago, i think i let this reach some points, then start writing the current events fed with flashbacks ( i need some time to read more books but dammed i’m far too busy these days!) & i apologize for this crap!

It took me long before i could make my mind and find enough courage to reveal what were bugging me to death.
so I asked Meg to make her decision and not to force herself doing things she didn’t want by heart just for the sake of me or the baby!
I gave her these options to choose:

1. go back to where we used to live and do as she used to do with Alexis
2.file for divorce
3. meet random guys
4.date whoever she thinks hot
5.bring a girlfriend home
6.start a new life with her Mr. right and leave Alexis with me if he doesn’t want her
7. fuck my boyfriend if she feels like it
actually I texted my suggestions exactly like that(the same humor the same crap!)and i got what i deserved when she texted me back (this is the rephrased version!)
1. i like big cities as much as you do so I’m staying here
2. it’s a waste of time, money and energy
3. I’m not a slut!
4. it’s too dull to date new guys
5. bitch, I’m straight as a ruler
6. if a guy doesn’t want my baby then he cant be Mr. right
7. no way,I’m not interested in 3-some
8.stop thinking too much, i still remember my vows then you’d better remember the shopping list!
so obviously I’m fucking gay and even being a committed husband cant stop this love at first fright.
I’ve warned her and told her by the end of the journey I’ve started , there’d be the possibility of meeting a different guy but she still wanna stay. so may be we’re not perfect lovers but she’s my perfect soul mate and my soul is still crazy in love with her though my body doesn’t want her anymore.
now I’m sure I’m not forcing her to stay and she’s doing it by her own will.
so let’s fasten the seat belts and light this rocket.
baby i love you in the gayest way!

part I.

on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…..

Sorry, wrong day! oooppppsss it wasn’t actually day, it was a rainy-snowy evening.

RM was walking (read running) up & down a street some where sometime on this planet, waiting for his E-pal to pick him up for the first time.

But he was late and RM was changing into a solid ice cube gradually….

“When our values are different from others, they want to judge us and call us pervs. Us pervs can say that BUT NOT THEM. Fuck them in the neck with their own lousy attitude.” Momma Perv
It’s a valuable quote that should be stuck in mind and if you cant understand it then you really need a brainwash and some genetically doped gray cells!
let this world fear me, i stick to my own moralities and i try not to break the laws of the states so
get outta my sight if you cant see the world from my view!

The other day I was thinking how lonely I was and how much I hated the cyberspace cos my friends left me and how much I wanted to start everything again from day one and I cant believe I have to start from the scratch as a result of my own mistake!
I’m not even sure whether I want to blog again or not.
I’m sure about one thing:
I hate those fucking cow-orkers who wanna fuck with me!
some times i wonder why I left my meta-stable life and put myself in circumstances I never wanted to be in but there’s no way back.
I’m not against anything but I have my own rules; I respect most of the public moralities so I give myself to have some privacy and live the way I like when at my own place, Am I asking for too much?Is it a crime?
no, I don’t really wanna talk about it right now. I have a lot to figure out!

cordova.jpg

im gonna post this later, just the pic was great!

The other day me, Meg and J were discussing random things when Meg mentioned the article she read in the Time magazine (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1584786,00.html) and then 3 of us, being the experts of our own kind, started giving ideas.
And i hate J for making fun of my fears about the baby girl, he can’t understand cos he doesn’t have his own kid and no matter how much he loves Alexis and the other way round and how close we are and doubtlessly how much I love him myself, Alexis is my girl and not his so at most he tries hard every day to teach Alexis new words and as a result she’s hell confused and gave up the idea of talking utterly but still says “no” when necessary.
back to my fear, one of my nightmares is some shithole rape my beloved girl one day and then she cant deal with the feelings and the rest, surely I won’t let that dick-head live one more day as soon as i know his name and i don’t let the jury decide instead of me cos lawyers can influence them easily.(aggressive, huh?!)
Yeah it’s a nightmare and as J mentions almost always, Alexis is jus 1.5 years old and i have a lot more to worry about than the rape and assault but well i can’t help myself so you can blame it on my sick bipolar mind!
But what do you call rape?
Rape (verb): to force somebody to have sex with you when they do not want to by threatening them or using violence

So does it mean you need a gang of masked guys with handcuffs and guns and a shouting crying kidnapped girl to call it rape?
If a woman consents to having sex with a man but then during intercourse says no, and the man continues, is it rape?

And according to that article it depends on where you live. The law in Maryland & North Carolina regards rape as “when a woman says yes, she can’t take it back once sex has begun–or, at least, she can’t call the act rape.”
Mel Feit, executive director of the National Center for Men, a male-advocacy group based in Old Bethpage, N.Y., says “At a certain point during arousal, we don’t have complete control over our ability to stop,” he says. “To equate that with brutal, violent rape weakens the whole concept of rape.” His group has created a “consensual sex contract” to be signed before intercourse.

i don’t deny that there are times the other head decides what to do next but surely i can stop the whole thing using the head with the brain in it. i guess we’re not animals yet, are we?

and it’s ridiculous to sign a contract before sex, just think of the whole procedure that i have to copy the contract umpteenth times and put ’em by the side of the bed, then every time turn the lights on look for a pen and make my wife sign it. And may be we should put a time limit there, she can protest in the first 2 minutes then I can’t stop anything so she better bears with that.
So I must be a real animal then!

I have this understandable rule of thumb, when she (he) says no, it’s a “NO” I shouldn’t try or I have to stop right there and I don’t think it’s to hard to stick with so I expect others to treat me the same way.

To my surprise (not really) Jeff mentioned something that sounded true. Even people in his trade can be raped.
Surely they fuck for the money but if a john do something against they will or as they say “get really fucked” that can be rape! So even prostitutes can be raped, better remember this before contacting the next escort 😉

And it’s a big pleasure to live here, I love Alaska and I love this city or as they say I love the big wild life!
*. The big wild life is the new logo for Anchorage so you better stop laughing at me, d’ah!