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let’s call it hibernation cos it never lasted this long and i was never so up when down. i can assume this fucking mood stabilizers are not working.
to summarize my time from Friday afternoon till now; i’ve slept more than 40 hours and i’m still in bed, a bit sleepy and surely planning to sleep more. so lemme see, it means i ‘ve been awake less than 7 hours, what have i done then?
ate brunch & dinner 2 times, ate lotta chocolate, coffee, tea and coke. omg i had more than 10 cups of coffee and slept that long. i think i argued and cried a bit and wrote some random mails, called my bros without getting any call back.
what else? aha took a cold shower cos that was the only thing i could think of to keep me awake. it’s about 14F outside and inside it must be round 20F, it’s all snowing and the temperature has remained quite the same in the last 3-4 days.
it’s so funny that i’m spending most of my weekends on my own, shouldn’t i go out and join any available partying crowd?!
since back, i stopped labeling my own feelings and instead i’m trying to label Meg’s feelings. she’s as calm and patient as ever but a bit quiet when she’s on her own.
she protested a few times that i better get outta bed and go out for a walk but it was useless so she & Alex left to join her parents for a change and to my surprise she didn’t call once since gone or wait….
oooppsss sorry, she called, i was asleep 😉
i’ve thought a lot about my life and related things since yesterday (surely while i was asleep!)
i’ve reviewed many things and i dunno why but they got so complicated and then i realized i was weaving a story and that was not really my own life 😉
i feel so nervous and as Thursday comes closer i feel worse. i hate being judged and i have tones of “shouldn’t” signs in my brain that i can’t find part A & B to match them.
the ridiculous thing is whenever i try to look sane i think of little Angela and how dead she is and the fact that this spring there won’t be any baby cry beside Alexis usual shouts and then i burst into tears without feeling sad, actually without feeling anything.
i’ve started another foolish battle between “stupid me” & “wise me” that surely will end nowhere but hell and i better stop acting like kids before Thursday, God can you show me a way outta this hell?

devilishly i have thought of another try, and then i can see “wise me” shouting “get a grip man, give another try to what? wasn’t the pain enough for both of you?”
i think i have masochism too, or may be sadomasochism or masosadism????
can i die before Thursday then reborn when they leave?
why am i so stressed? it’s jus a simple gathering, take it easy pal!
ok i haven’t met most of those guys and Meg hasn’t either well she’d met them long ago but not recently, people change, don’t they? so they shouldn’t expect much!
to be or not to be?! is it a question to mind?
“to marry or not to marry?” another silly question.
why did we get married so hurriedly?
why there was no wedding ceremony?
why in-laws were so angry?
why none of my family came?
why did we go to church instead of mosque?
why i have so many unanswered question in my empty skull?
why some relatives of her want to come for her birthday after so many years not caring about her?ain’t birthdays something private?
why i haven’t bought her anything yet and why should i care so much?
why am i taking very simple things so serious?
nothing’s gonna happen on Thursday, i jus go to the airport, take them home, have a simple birthday party, put my best genius look on, behave well, dress good, and they leave, easy, right?
and what should i give her for her birthday?! i dunno, may be a noose!
God we’ve been together for for nearly 8 years and i’ve never been this much nervous, i know she doesn’t mind and whatever i give her she’s gonna love it but this time it seems i have to act like a very good husband, yes i’m not her boy friend or some stranger guy who slept with her for a change.
Husband: the man that a woman is married to; a married man!
did you know husband is a verb too? i didn’t. husband (verb) : to use something very carefully and make sure that you do not waste it.
we don’t have “wife” as a verb, do we?
lend me a dictionary, i need one!
i’ve gone insane, i must have fever. calm down boy! wtf is wrong with you?!
i wanna sleep more may be i can see a way out.
it may sound casual and irrational but i’ve been thinking about my mom’s wedding ring and i have no idea what happened to it. someone must have it but who he/ she is!
shiit why am i sounding like a 100 yr ol man having a foot in the grave?!!!
something is very wrong with me and i have to figure out before it’s too late but i wanna turn this putter down and sleep, it’s so dark outside and looking at the screen hurts my eyes, should i turn the light on!?


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