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i spent the last 3 days in haze, it seemed an eternity to me. we left home to spend two romantic days in a hotel and we ended 2 fucking days in hospital, me walking nervously through the hallways as if i could find help round a hidden corner.
in the last 96 hours i’ve slept only 4 fucking hours full of nightmares and written more than 20 pages about how i feel then tore them and threw them to the garbage.
now i think sharing sad moments is the extreme of selfishness. every one has his/her own problems probably umpteen times worse than mine.
today i found another side of me, the one that appears once in every million seconds, i was the man i should be.
once in my life i was the man in Meg’s dream. i was there for her, not dropping a tear, not shouting “why me again” and i was hell calm that my friend thought i was gone insane. i can’t believe it was me.

i think my mind hasn’t analyzed the data yet or i wouldn’t look like this super strong guys dealing the sad moments without dropping a tear or getting drunk or toking something to feel better. well i took a few more anti-depressant pills but i don’t think that’s the reason.
So probably once again God listened to my stupid thoughts, ” end my life or end her life cos she deserves a good dad” ok God, you know i really didn’t mean it, we don’t have the right to choose our parents, do we?
so no matter how disgusting i am, she was my daughter, she was mine , wasn’t she?i really loved her.
you gave her the right to choose, the kinda right you rarely give your dirty creature known as human. she loved her mom so she thought 9 fucking months is too much of a pain, let’s cut it shorter to 6.5 months, she was too small, too innocent and she looked so much like her name.
so Angela born 2.5 months earlier cos her mom couldn’t take the pain anymore, and it wasn’t safe for both of them. Angela had to survive till the morning so she could continue her life in the hospital for several months before we could take her home, she fought for the sake of her mom and her sister but then she saw her disgusting dad, “that’s my dad? ” she asked the angel by her bed “yes, he is”
so Angela thought for a few hours, she had to choose between the heaven she came from and the hell she was entering, so she made her decision. “mom, no matter how much i love you, i can’t tolerate so much dirt, i wanna remain pure, i wanna go back to my creator.”
so she went and i stood there thinking about the heart that didn’t beat any longer, the heart that brought so much joy to my dull life. i held her and kissed her for the first and last time and then let her join the eternity she deserved.
i let my friend take care of the rest cos i’m not that strong, i can have her ash soon.
“so is that all you wanted?” i asked myself since the time i touched her body.
i know i’m a real piece of shit but my tolerance is below normal.
i’m jus 26 yrs old and till now i’ve lost my grandpas , my grandma, my parents and my daughter, ok what’s next on the list? couldn’t we make a deal? take my life and gimme the list, is it too much? am i asking more than i can?

the lovely docs have found another knife to tear my soul apart, so early this morning they’re gonna have a little operation on my wife’s breast to get rid of some devilish tumors that find a comfy place to live. sounds like a fucking cancer, doesn’t it?
i’m hell calm, i’m sitting silently pressing the very random buttons on a friend’s putter while Alexis  and he are sleeping peacefully in another room and my lovely wife is still in hospital. i wanted to stay there but they thought i need some sleep, those fucking idiots, how can i sleep?
so i wrote and doodled as much as i could till i found the courage to use this putter without permission, i hope he doesn’t mind.
all i want is my own death and i’m sure many people gonna attend my funeral to make sure that disgusting guy won’t harm them any more.
and what a romantic time we had. we came here 4 and we’re gonna go back home 3. this time i really don’t wanna go back home, i don’t want those heartfelt sympathies.
and i didn’t blogged cos i wasn’t sure how much i wanted to share and i didn’t want others to know what we’re up to. surely they could help, a warm call, some lovely words to keep the faith yada yada yada……

shit, i lied to mom-in-law cos Meg didn’t want her mom here, she said she has me, what a precious thing to have uurrggghhh.
i know she doesn’t read my blog but i know some very close friends read this crap to make sure i’m still sane.
for the sake of heavens, tell her the truth but we don’t want her here though she’s Meg’s mom. and don’t call me, my cell phone’s off.
I’ve said enough, i think i better try to sleep a little, we’re gonna have another hard day.


One Comment

  1. She doesn’t hate you, and Meg’s gonna be okay with the surgery. She’s strong coz she has you there..

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