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i’m a real coward, i’m a looser, think as you like but i was really frightened. i was frightened to death
it’s not a good feeling to have nightmares every night and can’t get enough sleep. but it’s tolerable as long as it’s a nightmare.
but when it creeps into your real life, won’t you feel frightened? ain’t it natural to be terrified?
I’m sorry God, i’m hell sorry, i was too stupid to say i don’t care when people die, death is fair and someone should die to let another baby step on this planet, don’t stop wars, this planet is too small for all of us.
hit my head with a comet, a big one but don’t listen to stupid me, don’t put me in the situations like tonight, i can’t take it, i’m weak, i’m a little boy in a big man’s dress, i lied, im not indifferent, don’t assess me with death, i can’t take it, send flood, send hurricane but don’t get my loved ones, i really can’t take it, i can’t go on through the pain again…………

last night or better say early this morning i felt i fell from a big rock, i thought i lost everything, i woke up sometime round 3-4, my baby was crying and her mom was screaming as if someone was burying her alive, i could see the pain in her eyes, she was begging for help and i couldn’t do anything, i stood there and looked at her, i wanted to do something, i really wanted but it was like someone shut my brain down, i was stuck to the floor, i dunno how much it took me till i recovered from  my coma and called an ambulance.

it was so much like my nightmares, i think i looked so horrible that the ambulance guy thought he was called to help me.
i’m really stupid, i think i really looked embarrassing holding Alexis and crying like a little boy.
it may sound funny but i thought meg was dying and i couldn’t do anything to help her, i was there watching and doing nothing and she was screaming and i was drowning in an old memory.
i’m stupid, i’m a real asshole. it was jus a sudden pain, the little girl’s so naughty and loves hurting her mom.
God why am i so stupid? why i made her have another baby? this pregnancy is killing her and it’s all my fault and now there’s no way back. we have to wait, yes jus 2 months and 3 weeks.
what if something happened to her? who was to blame? that innocent baby or her stupid dad?

i really thought i was losing her, i was losing both of them. how someone can be this selfish?
now i’m pretty sure she doesn’t wanna stay in her mom’s womb for 9 fucking months,  she wanna see this world asap. her sister came 1 month earlier, why should she stay there so long? why her stupid dad didn’t listen to that doc’s advice, there’s the possibility, yes there is but let’s risk it, we’re risking everything every morning we get up!
no stupid boy, when there’s the risk you shouldn’t try! don’t gamble with other people’s money.
God i confess, i’m stupid, i’m selfish, i’m a real beast, i’m dirty but don’t hurt her,  i can’t stand burying another loved one, i promise to stand in the middle of a crowded road and let a truck knock me over, let me feel the pain, she can’t take it, i can’t see her going through so much pain for my sake.
God please listen to me this time, i know i am wrong and yes i was terrified.

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3 Comments

  1. What’s wrong with Meg? Is she ok?

  2. yes thanks rin

  3. Well thank God – is she trying to have the baby early? What does the doctor say?????

    Pacing….that’s what g/ma’s do you know.


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