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Note: this was actually part of a mail written to a friend but never clicked the send button

It is 2.10 am, pretty cold and still raining, if it snow, everything gonna be better and warmer, shiitttt why this room’s so cold!

Back 2.15, I found another blanket. Alexis’ so sick, coughing and crying, I cant understand why babies get sick, they’re so innocent why their angels can protect ’em from these viruses and microbes, I feel so much like the book I read . “Does god exist?”

I’m so sick and tired of everything but well yes gotta be thankful, this time last year I was practically living in hell, hey yo Mr. Almighty living up there, thanks.

Fuck me I was supposed to write something better but again I’m circling in my own loops, wait, guess Alexis’ up again.

2.30, how funny and ridiculous this life is. I can’t really understand it, may be I need a translator.

you know meg says I swallow my sentences, another friend said I write broken English, like the kinda writings done by none natives, all short sentences that has no links to another, yes she’s right, I cant make sentences longer than a line or two and cant understand the reason, may be I cant find any string to stick my words together, shiitttt what am I talking about? What are you thinking about? prob’ly you’re thinking this guy’s either drunk or insane, honestly don’t know the answer, may be I’m drunk but cant remember when I opened a bottle, but no I cant be drunk, I don’t drink alcohol, may be it’s cos of the coffee I drank half an hour ago…….

I feel a lil dizzy, Alexis stopped crying for a while but obviously she cant sleep like her dad, she’s lying on the sofa and staring at  me, may be she needs some sleeping pills too, God my head’s heavy as if someone poured molten lead in it and now it’s solidified and I can feel the weight. It’s quite hard to keep my eyes open; it must be cos of the pill I took an hour ago, better I take Alexis back to her bed.

………….should I say I’m back? I tried to sleep but couldn’t so I opened the door and stared at the cloudy sky, there’s no moon here, there’s no God.

I can hear my last breath, last struggle to remain on the surface but something’s pulling me down, I could swim but …. Have I forgotten how to swim?

How do you feel now? You would have called 911 if you lived here and know my address, am I right? Yes I’m not ok.

Guess I look like a real paranoid or bipolar or someone really insane, no idea, call me whatever you like.

Lemme stop acting crazy and scroll through your mail……

I’m not stingy, no I’m not a penny-pincher, take all these ice, I have plenty of them, it’s everywhere; on the roof, in the yard; on the streets, but I don’t have any cream, no I don’t have any cream…….. Gotta wake Meg up, I need to talk to her.


Tic tack-tic tack- tic tack, 3.40 I’m still awake now I’m sure these sleeping pills don’t work, they smell like a rotten body……

I’m all thinking about this time last year, what a hell I was doing this time last year, yes I know what a hell I was doing, for the first and last time I met my angel, I always thought my angel was a girl but I was wrong, my she-angel could never pull me outta the shit I was in, she’s pulled me outta dirt many times, she’s wept for many hours till her tears healed all my wounds but she wasn’t strong enough to wash my whole soul and I hated her for being so innocent, for having such a white clean soul for smelling like a rose and not the stinky smell of sewage.

3.50, what the hell’s wrong with this clock? Move your fucking ass faster, I wanna see day light again, now I’m sure there’s no tomorrow, I can’t see sun again and it’s all dark and dark and dark.

fuck you man for jumping into my life again, showing me a light then disappeared, if only we’d never met, if only you didn’t exist, if only you’ve forgotten my birthday. You gave me a big electric shock with your dammed book. I know you don’t read here and I’m sure you jus called cos probably you saw something in your dream, how dare you’ve called my wife? You have no right to interfere, have I asked for your help? Where the hell you were hiding the so many times I called your cell phone? Why you enjoy jumping in the middle of my life when I don’t want you there?

and I hate you, and I hate the night we met and I still cant figure out how your God choose me as your victim and I’m sure I can never understand your God for not letting me die the many times I wanted it. What’s the reason of my creation? To fuck my life and many others or jus saying stupid jokes to bring a nano-second smile on other’s faces.

you put me in a stapler and told me to wait so I waited and waited and waited till someone pressed it hard and I cried, I cried your name and you didn’t answer then someone else pressed the stapler, this time I shut my fucking mouth and stared, stared at your eyes and your hands, you came without me calling, you tried to help me outta there but suddenly someone pressed the stapler and I called your name loud so you loosened my hand and I shouted why, and other press and I begged for your help but you turned your back and left. so I closed my eyes and I was in another place with many people I didn’t know, so many new faces and places, so I listened but couldn’t understand a word, then you came and took me to another place, so many unfamiliar faces again and there it was, a big golden cube, so I stared and stared and stared cos that place was so familiar, I looked around but you were lost in the crowd and I was left on my own but I wasn’t frightened, I didn’t feel lost, I closed my eyes and smelled, I could smell heaven, I could smell your world.


I returned to my stapler again, this time I took my she-angel as well, your God healed her but sent another angel to protect her, it’s small but she’s gonna grow up fast and protect my she-angel, protect her mom.

the life in the stapler was better than I could imagine so step by step I began building my home there but I forgot to lock hide the stapler in somewhere safe so someone found it again, no I showed it to someone and again that one pressed the stapler, this time I didn’t call anyone, I started beating my she-angel, she cried and cried and cried and tried to heal the wounds on my body, but her tears wasn’t enough cos I was biting her with my teeth and she was bleeding.

the stapler was left on its own again but I could still feel the pressure, my she-angel still crying and I healed but she was wounded and my soul was dirty again cos her blood turned to shit as it touched my soul. I could smell my soul decaying and the smell was intolerable. Could still feel the pressure but no one was pressing the stapler, then you came, again without being invited and you smiled, “call Mr. Almighty” I didn’t, I stared at your eyes and got lost. So you whispered something in my ears, I didn’t hear but then I called, I called my creator and everything in the stapler is in peace again.


Wish my Farsi was good enough so I could translate the whole book cos it was so great but well I cant. At least I can thank my dear friend who saved me from eternal hell and again in jumped in my life to save me from myself. I thank him for all the light he brought to my life, wish I could be as innocent as he is, wish I could talk to wind and listen to the birds prayer but my soul’s too dirty, but at least he reminded me that there’s a God who loves me and he’s sent me angels not to hurt but to protect. and I apologize my she-angel for my endless stupidity and I pray to God to give her enough strength to help me outta my own shit.

I’m sure my dearest friend never has the time to read this crap but I wanna thank him for being my angel, helping me wash my soul, and again reminding me of the path to heaven. thank alireza for all the beautiful things he taught me, thanks for taking me to that holy shrine where I could smell God, I couldn’t see but I could feel him, and indeed God exists and I pray he forgives my endless sins and never leave me on my own.



  1. surely there’s a purpose to reach otherwise the whole creation of human’s in vain and this gonna question the creation of God cos he’s pure of any mistake and he wont make the whole big universe for fun. born, set a few stupid goals in life like marriage,kids, good job, good education…., then die. aint it really ridiculous? this world is too unfair to be the final destiny of God’s favorite creature aka human. our end is to reach God, to feel him, to smell and when this world reach its end (as predicted by scientists too) and when the curtains are moved we can see the eternity, we can see God, the clearer the soul the closer we get so the worst punishment is not dying and dying and dying but not being able to see that eternity, we’re greedy so we wanna be parta that eternity. and for sure we’re a lot better than angels cos they some how prostrated when God finished creation of Adam. and surely my wife’s no angel but a human and i know this and well that’s the reason we fight a lot 🙂
    so we set goals to reach but these goals form the path to God and every human on this earth has it’s own way 🙂
    and stapler is what you found, a device used for putting staples on papers,etc, may be it doesnt make sense, but the part you put staples in look quite safe but if you stand on the edge , there’s a part to press the staples on whatever we like, now imagine this world as a big staple and we’re standing on the edge, it looks safe untill some one press it, this pressure is the consequence of our own stupidity or things that happen to us without having any control over them. well fuck my imagination i couldnt think of anything better at that time, blame the sleeping pill that didnt work 😉

  2. hmm .. I think this mail is for me 😛

  3. nope it’s not you rinnie 🙂

  4. upsss.. that’s not for me?
    :(( I thought it was for me.

  5. hhhmmm dont cry, you didnt send a book for my birthday, did you?

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