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days come & go, sometimes fast, sometimes slow & im no more growing up but growing old.
it’s a while im used to the now increasing number of white hairs on my head. i’ve told them many times im jus 25 ,so wTF they’re doing there, but seems they keep on ignoring me.
& now im sitting all alone inside your head, you know im sure no one else ever dared to tell you that it’s so empty. i wonder how surprised will be the scientists who find your body after your death wondering how you servived that long without any brain!?!
i really dunno how should i treat people; whenever im laughing & making fun of any possible thing i can think of & make them smile, they call me “crazy” whenever i wanna be serious or they ask why i’m sad or what’s bothering me.
and im tired, im tired of my curly dry hair for being too hard to comb ( cos i comb them every 1 year) & i dont wanna go to barber cos i dont have money to waste; besides i wanna look like my ancestors , the primitve ones. but i better shave or the little alex won’t lemme kiss her, schhiiiitttt, i even have to beg my little demon for my rights as a parent.
in 2 weeks time, halloween, my day, will come, yeah i know it’s too early, so fucking early, there’s no other day in calender that i care about from such an early time, even christmas, the earliest shopping attempt would be 24th (if i am in good mood)
but halloween, it’s a different day, not that cos i like the so many ridiculous things on it, people making ass of themselves & children dont like it as much as i did when i was a little boy. i jus keep myself busy with halloween to forget about other things.
the earlier i think about them, the earlier i start keeping busy with halloween stuff.
hell it still sucks, & i hate the memories for being so clear, wish i could have a brainwash.
& im tired………….
i know i wont be lonely this year, i have a family of my own, but ………..
& i hate myself for feeling so emo, wish my dad was here & slapped hard on my face & told me grow up boy, you’re not a teen anymore.
i still can rememeber the day, one weird day, without me being the jerkass & no attempt to try to ruin anyone’s time. i still can remember the good lunch we had together, the last one, one happy family schhiiitttt it sucks, it hurts
& i swear they knew their time were up, or why the hell they should called every fucking guy they knew to say goodbye & ask for their forgiveness.
oh God please help me get through this time without acting like a shitttt cos im aware of the times how annoying i am when feeling blue.

to every one who bother themselves reading my crap, thank & sorry for bugging you with my stupididty, but i know no other way to forget the whole incident, it’s gonna be 10 years soon & i still feel the same, even worst………..

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3 Comments

  1. There is no time limit on grief. And you’re right – talking about it is one way to process it. You’ll never forget it, but maybe one day it won’t hurt so fucking bad.

    Last night I dreamed about my friend Charles who died of brain cancer a few years ago.

    When I dream of him and my best girl friend Connie (she also died of brain cancer) and my Dad, I look at their visits as a gift.

    • about to commit suicide
    • Posted October 26, 2006 at 11:35 am
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    • Reply

    believe me, i know that nothing anyone can say will make it better, but maybe it’ll help a little to know that so many people share your pain and are trying to heal themselves in a parallel path to yours, all over the world.

    i send you all the love and strength i can spare.

    (sorry, i know all that was really corny. but i did mean it, so i think a bit of corn is allowed.)

  2. sandra, thanks so much for your nice comment, yeah there’s no limit if you dont wanna end your griefs though im still processing the talking part (a public version) your idea’s really awesome why not think about the so many good times i had as a gift, it really worked for me so a big hug for giving me a hint to rebuild my world.
    to the guy i dunno:thanks for the thing you spared on me, so precious though little corny but i love corn so i take everything you gave for granted 🙂


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