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lying on the bed with eyes wide open and runnig his fingers through her hair, he tried to remember what had really happened. another attempt all in vein, he tried to pull her closer, now holding her in his arms and touching her soft skin. she was sound asleep, so innocent she looked, so quiet, not a little smile nor a cry. he closed his eyes ,listened to her heartbeat and tried to forget everything.
in the last 60 hours or more i was so lost in my nothingness inside that i felt it’s decades since i blogged. i have reviewed my life hundred times ( it’s so easy to review cos it’s so simple, always fucked up! ). honestly nothing new to be discovered. jus gotta thank my so many abilities in turning life to a real hell for others in a flash of light.
it’s so horrible to be left alone, everywhere’s so silent, so terrifying, so empty.
i cant believe i made her so furious that she left me, im jus lucky our friends are so kind that they didnt let her stay more than a day or something really bad might happen ( for instance me killing them or something like that)
but honestly it wasnt too bad, at least i realized there aint much meaning in my life without them (i knew it!) and i had plenty of time to think, to compare myself with my own dad. the more i think the more unreal my memories sound. they’re long forgotton, so vague to be sure if it was really like that. i jus cant remember a single time my parents had an argument, it’s so unreal, so unpossible, more like a mirage. but there was something between them that i never understood, and i know it doesnt exist in my own life. it’s not really important how they lived, now, the image they left in my memory is so clearly lovely that i cant believe it wasnt really like that.
i know im not a good dad nor a good husband, jus a real bitch who’s lost in his own nightmares, dreaming of having a one happy family, so no need to be reminded.
jus a question to be answered and i can let my mind rest in ease for a while
” how can we make a lovely image of past for the future of our kids?”

about the picture:” last evening we went out to collect some salmonberries, after an hour or so nothing was in our bucket, alex was still running wildly here and there, sometimes falling on the ground, looking at her ignorant parents then back to her feet and running again. me and meg jus talked and talked and talked and sometimes looked at the little demon chasing whatever she could. as far as those talks were not really friendly we decided to go back home, on our way we met Louise who gave us some fuckingberries so we wouldnt feel disappointed with our empty bucket. at the moment the white flag’s still hanging in our place but for how long, i have no idea!”

Salmonberry,Cloudsberry, Yellowberry, Bakeberry, Malka, or Baked Apple Berry (species Rubus chamaemorus), creeping herbaceous plant, native to the Arctic and subarctic regions of the north temperate zone, and its edible, aggregatefruit resembling structurally the raspberry. The yellow or amber-coloured berry grows from a 2.5-centimetre (1-inch) white flower on a creeping rootlike stem, or rhizome. The stalks grow to a height of 7.6–25 cm (3–10 inches).
Eskimos and Sami collect the sweet, juicy berries in autumn to freeze for winter food. In markets of northern Scandinavia, cloudberries are sold for use in preserves, tarts, and other confections. They are also made into a liqueur.
i know this post sucks so better have a little chuckle.
Don’t Look At Naked Lady
Boy 1 : Why do you run from a naked lady ?

Boy 2 : Because my mom said that if I look at a naked lady, I’ll turned into stone. A part of me is getting hard already.




  1. The post doesn’t suck – it is introspective and beautiful.

  2. really? thanks 😉

  3. Yes really.

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