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this is stolen from somewhere i dont remember; goldfish memory, you know!!!!

Chemical Analysis of Man"


A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A DIGITATED, MAMMALIAN BIPED

ELEMENT : Male Human
CHEMICAL SYMBOL : MA
DISCOVERER : Eve
ATOMIC WEIGHT : Accepted as 165 but is known to vary from 120 to 250 lbs
(mutations have been known to exceed 800 lbs.)
OCCURRENCE : Quantities in all urban areas
APPROVED FORMULA : 15.5:32:40
USES : I) Useful when accompanying element WO, especially in
sports cars
II) Most powerful agent for allowing money to run
through fingers
III) Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous
source of frustration
PHYSICAL PROP. : I) Surfaces hairy, sometimes bristly
II) Boils at inappropriate times and freezes during
highly competitive sporting activity
III) Melts if given the proper treatment
IV) Bitter if used incorrectly
V) Found in various states, especially Alaska
VI) Non-magnetic, some bordering on superconductivity
VII) Yields to pressure applied by opposite elements
VIII) In its natural state it varies considerably, but
the shape is often artificially changed to conform
to that of a perfect specimen. Such transformations
can be seen at beaches and arenas
IX) In some instances may start to gain weight and look
like they have swallowed a keg of beer causing them
to release noxious gases noisily
X) Emits putrid fumes after vigorous activity
CHEMICAL PROP. : I) Possesses a great affinity for gold and silver in
top layers while lower layers tend to be laden with
lead
II) Able to absorb great quantities of expensive
substances
III) May explode spontaneously if left alone with a
female
IV) Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by
saturation in alcohol
V) Properties are vastly improved if specimen is
placed in the dark and massaged
VI) Most fusable with element WO
TESTS : I) Pure specimens turn leathery if found in the
natural state
II) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen
CAUTIONS : I) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must
be used with great care and patience if experiments
are to succeed
II) It is illegal to possess more than one
III) When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate
counsel because the SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD
FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINITELY
IV) Tendancy toward self-destruction when ego is burned
V) Age of specimen is in direct proportion to the
expense of having him around

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