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bbb…..bbbb….bbbbb…..
my mind’s blank, no honestly it’s not, it’s jus restin & in peace.
i spent most of yesterday thinkin’, thinkin’ and thinkin’ (too much thinkin’ i didnt saw the bus, neither the driver,lucky nothing happened!)
it’s fine to start yer day with stress & anger & end it in deep depression.
when i saw a friend’s drawings i told meself:”wow, she’s so talented & i’m jus a piece of shit, livin’ on this earth for a while what do i have to show?!” truely nothing.
been watchin’ tv a bit , so many religious debates , some of ’em really good; now i wonder how i dared denying someone that obvious, some how, still deep in my soul (not really deep but not superficial)i fight with God, accusing him to be unfair to some guys, jus imagine you were born in a really really poor family, you couldnt pay the bills, no money to pay for fuel and gas in below -10C winters, sleepin outside on christmas , who’s to blame?
i really dunno if i have the right to say what’s right & wrong, surely i dont, but i say it; i judge people by their appearance, am i a fool? no, i’m jus human being. i really dont get it why humans are created , what have they done? jus ruinin’ everything, being demanding, killing each other, not at all useful! or maybe again i’m wrong, he’s perfect so there should be the creation of human with so many mistakes to make during his/her life.
there are lota things i dunno & i would never know, i’m not that smart, i have lota limitations as a human being, lord knows better!
the more i see, the worst i feel. the feeling of wasting my time & life & can’t stop it, im jus wasting the time i’m responsible for & i gotta answer in the presence of lord on the resurrectoin day, judgement day. i was tellin’ sb i dont have any talents, i’m jus a dweeb & he said you’re insultin’ a God’s creature, i always thoght if i commit a suicide, i did sth good, being useless & a piece ‘o shit better not to pollute earth more, lota people would live in ease. now i know i dont have the right to do such a foolish act, it’s jus like killing someone else, & then i asked myself do i have the right to kill sb else? would i murder sb for jus bein’ a pain in the ass? no i wouldnt.
im not a fool, jus enjoy ignorin’ the obvious things.
in the last few days i had a good experience, i jus didnt feel like eating, i was hungry sometimes but keep ignoring it, noting like fastin’, when you fast you jus dont eat for 12-15 hours, then you can eat as much as you like, but i jus felt like i can live without eatin for days, any time i ate i jus didnt enjoy it, jus like an obligation, dammed it’s a human need, lord gave us the appetite & the chance to enjoy his gifts & be grateful,
then i watched devil’s advocate (for the 5th times), i really love that movie specially the last 10-20 minutes when kevin(keanu reeves) asks Satan-his father- (al pacino) who’s god?
i dunno if you watched it or not, but im jus puttin it here to remind myself
Satan:’who’re you carrying those bricks for? God? lemme give you a little inside information about God.
God likes ot watch, he’s a prankster. he gives man instincts, and then what does he do? i swear for his own amusement, his own private cosmic gag reel; he sets the rules in opposition.it’s a goof of all time; look but dont touch, touch but dont taste,taste but dont swallow. & while you’re jumpin from one foot to the next, what is he doing? he’s laughin’ his sick fuckin’ ass off.”
& the story goes on. it’s such a great movie,sometimes i think the above sentences are quite right, why God gives us so many instincts & then forbid, promising heaven that we have no idea whether it exists or not & frigtening us of hell that there’s the possibility it doesnt exist;
i know you knew all those, i wasted yer time, but imagine you wanna find God, you didnt know those,(or forgot it or ignored it) you weren’t taught so many things since the very young age & you gotta discover it yourself, challengin’ so many things, bannin’ so many things, and let’s not talk about the inner pressure you have, you gotta make peace with your fuckin’self.
i wish it was jus like learnin how to melt iron how to purify it, you could melt yer soul & it was purified; lemme do a confession, there are times i say to meslef, fuck God, he’s so mean, i need to think dirty, islam’s such a perfect religion for guys givin’ em the right to have 4 wives, but it’s not.
i always thought islam’s all obligations, fastin’ prayin’ so many rules against women, heaven i didnt know it’s the most reflexible religion in the world, behind every rule & obligation there’s a philosophy you have to think& read for ages & then you might understand jus a very little of it.
i hate myself for bein such a jerkass all the time, i dont think i can ever go to heaven, i’m jus like a cow who gives lota milk & the very last minute with a kick spill all of it.
i’m jus tired of the struggle, im jus tired of bein so weak,bein such a pain in ass creature, i know he loves me but i cant see the reason.
i wanna be good, i wanna deserve heaven, but what if i cant be good, so better die soon, so i dont dirty my soul more. yeah, Lord can you hear me, didnt you say ask anything you want and i give you. i want death, i hate this life, it’s useless, it’s meaningless, i dont want money, i dont want have my own job, family, home…. i jus wanna be good.
how can you love me when i’m not lovely at all!
God i wanna ask you sth, i need your help, i need your help, can you hear me!

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