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For the friendship once was so dear & for my secret box in your garbage can

January 5th, 2006, 10 days after christmas, none of my dreams came true & this new year is far beyond my tolerance.

i got this horoscope today;wish it was true, but i know it’s all lie.

SAGITTARIUS 2006 ASTROLOGICAL HIGHLIGHTS: You know what’s right for you this year — the best answers sing out to you, and you need only to listen(REALLY?!?!?). Your conviction is renewed, and deciding what is next is easy. It’s as though the sun comes out to increase the contrast and the gray areas have disappeared(I DOUBT IT!) This month brings a leader to your life.( I KNOW HIM,Izrāīl) This person teaches you how to be more resourceful and how to handle heavy responsibility with grace. It’s important to soak up all you can because in March, you’ll be leading others in much the same way.(TO DEATH) There is no way to successfully complete tasks alone. Bring your best ideas to the table at work in June, and you’ll be promoted. (PROMOTE TO HELL!)Proving yourself is still required, but if you stay focused, it won’t be a problem. There are personal dramas galore throughout June. Try not to get wrapped up in them. Less-advantaged people need your help in July. This could require you to rally friends and colleagues together, which will be fun and also have perks for your personal life.(UNPOSSIBLE) Gentle progress with loved ones is featured through the summer. Try not to push. People are who they are and will only change when ready.(CAN ANYONE LOVE ME BESIDES SATAN?!)

i read so many of these terrible crap that i can write my own book. i’m gonna do it soon & sell it to those foolish guys who believe such crap. our days are orbitin’ round our acts, thoughts & behaviors; not round the planets in solar system!

i had one of my worst days. in a second i turned to that ol’ aggressive ogre i know for years, nothing lovely about it. it’s just part of me, been shoutin’ angrily all day long, all the people around me are absolutely mad & cant remember the little naughty boy the previous day givin’ em another bright lively happy day. i cant remember that boy either; he’s gone, he’s dead.

hell i just feel sth is suffocatin’ me i wanna cry, i feel the tear drops formin in my eyes but nothing happens, i jus cant cry, i jus cant shout & wish i jus couldnt breathe.

if only i dared finishin’ this foolish struggle & all was done, one hell finished & i’d buy the one-way ticket to eternal hell, cheer.

i had the worst time of my life recently ( well i had more horrible times than this but never felt like a loser this much!) i had this intense struggle & at last i did it. & waitin’ for the consequences was worst than that, i just had no idea.

first i need a word definition:

LIE» verb (lies, lying, lied, lied) [V] ~ (to sb) (about sth) to say or write sth that you know is not true:

You could see from his face that he was lying. * Don’t lie to me!

LIAR»noun a person who tells lies:

Shelley wasn’t a very good liar .

ok, let’s get back to business. a friendship built on lies is not worth a red dime.

that’s my idea; but seems i cant keep up with my own moralities. i’m a lyin’ bitch & it’s gospel truth.

omg, what a hell i done here; my mind is in a complete mess. lyin’ is much easier than confession & the reason you confess is jus because yo wanna get rid of the preasure yo have, one lie then you gotta say more to keep the wheel movin’.

what am i doin’ on earth? well i dunno, i just cant understand why & how some people can love life so much. i hate Adam & Eve. if they hadnt eaten from the forbidden tree, then i wouldnt be here, i wouldnt exist & it was much better, better than my dreams.

ok here it is, you start your day with a little lie & then get into trouble; what a hell you can do? well another lie can fix it & suddenly you realize you are in the middle of your lies , forgot who you really are. ok well guess many guys know what i mean. it’s jus as simple as cheatin’ in yer exam then in yer job & then yer life, yer wife/husband & worst than those, yourself. nice non-stop circle.

and what else we have here; aha a great friendship is forming unfortunately on lies, & hell you like this friendship, it’s something to you, it’s so great, you just live another day to smell the heavenly scent of this friendship; it’s beyond your imagination; (maybe jus on your side, but it’s ok ) it’s not like those foolish love stories,there’s always an end to a love story, either it’s a tragedy or it’s a happy endin’ they both suck in their own way. but if this friendship’s beyond the physical limits, it’s jus a matter of souls dissolvin’ in one another. it sounds great.

this is the friendship i was ….. i dunno how to explain it, given is jus a foolish word for it, but never mind it’s about 2 guilty creatures (each guilty of their own kind).

ok imagine me on one end of this foolish heavenly satanic connection, i’m tired of everything, it’s the new year comin’ & i don’ want another guilty feelin’ ok i put all my secrets in a small box, an ugly box jus like meself & i post it to the other end of connection; i spend a whole week wonderin what happened to my box, whatif it got lost in the so many boxes of santa, whatif somewone else’s recieved it by mistake, whatif the other guy on the other end of the rope hate me,…. all nightmares & what! it was a terrible time& luckily ended, a bit disgustin but not as bad as i imagined & me thinkin’ foolishly it was all over& we can have the good experience again. heavens i was far too wrong cos i’m an idiot. today i realized i was dammed wrong; nothing look the same; all we could have was a simple foolish earthy friendship, the souls were departed without givin’ me the chance to notice& hell i was wrong, fuckin’ wrong. i was foolishly lookin’ for the other end to talk to me the way it did, to soothe me& i was really demandin’ & so did the other side; it has all changed, jus playin’ evilishly with words, BUSY, i hate it; but that’s the truth no time or space for me anymore; i had ruined all the bridges behind me, no way to go no way to return. the worst was to come, what was the meanin’ of sayin’ “i will show your dirty ugly box to others, i wanna reveal your disgustin’ face.” either it was a joke or it was a threat, it was jus like an electric shock wakin’ me up to see my nightmare came true & again i was the one & only to blame.

i’m just fuckin’ tired of this endless mistakes; what’s wrong with just bein’ me; i know the answer; i’m just all wrong, i’m a sinner & that’s it. i cant explain what i feel about that so called great friendship i was once part of it cos i dunno what exactly i feel but all i wanna do is gettin my ol’ dirty secret box back & dump it at the bottom of hell & run away as far as i can.

better go wash my face now, i hate the taste of blood & tears mixed in my mouth.

PS I know i exagerated a bit; but guess you can forgive this idiot.



One Comment

  1. Hi,
    I found your blog via google by accident and have to admit that youve a really interesting blog 🙂
    Just saved your feed in my reader, have a nice day 🙂

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