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I just realized this whole cyber stuff gave me nothing but a sense of being no one.

What’s the use of all this fucking traffic?

Surely I need a good resolution for this year, the first is staying away from this plague as much as possible.

Now Get Your Fucking Ass Outta my Sight, I don’t Give a Damn shit how you wanna spend your time, I’m outta stories.

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i’ve been lagging dynamically, mentally, physically and statically, im so lame!

this pullover he gave mefor my birthday is way too warm, im boiling from

inside.

then i’ve been checking some old blogger friednss and holy shit, i missed

a lot.

what else? i’ve been planning christmas since hhhm tomorrow, i will think

of  it later, ok? AND HAVEN’T DONE THE SHOPPING YET.

i have added a new word to my vocab, sister-in-law, gawd it’s such a …

let’s not say what cos i know he may read here and he will kill me for bitching about his sis, im looking forward to not to meet her cos i prefer gay christmas to anything else, let’s pray her

plane gets a flat tyre.

he had made me a wishlist , i decided to ignore but this act of his had a very bad

impression on the little girl, she wanted to have her own wishlist , thanks hell she forgot but if she got herself one, i will post it  to her silly  &^*%$#W#$^$% mom and her bf will sue me with hate crime 😀

back to the sister-in law, i have made my mind to call her before landing to this unfortunate

bean city and tell her i will be having a gay orgy for christmas, likes it  or not and i know she wont like it. and i don’t care.

whatelse? i want a big christmas surprise, something very romantic but my

beloved partner doesnt have “romantic ideas” so i thought i may higher a

temporary woman lover for the romantic part, but that’s so lame.

again back to the sister-in-law, oh she is not yet the sister in law , yippe!

and i was thinking of joining my granny on the plane and go home, sorta missing relatives i guess but i doubt they ever

missed me . they may like my baby though.

there are hell of things to think about, for now it’s bed time, i wantd to sleep on the sofa cos he’s sick and may wake me up with his coughs but as long as i’m sneezing myself with a runny nose, i think we make a good couple for tonight.

now i go to bed but i’ll be happy with an invitation for christmas, if ever

wanted  a cool couple with a little cute girl you can count on me but i cant promise your place looks thesamewhen we leave (she’s more like a monkey than a human!)

i think it’s bed time and i have to go towork tomorrow, urrggghh

good night

first happy thanksgiving, i’m straving even at 9 am.

the whole family is all together and i think i had a crush on my lil bro’s gf,

she’s such a little cute girl 🙂

me & my lover were doing some light vanilla B&D, S&M plus M&M this morning (thanks heavens it was light or i wouldnt be here blogging 🙂  and he read my PA (Prince Albert) post on the other blog and he said he will think about it as mychristmas gift, now thinking seriously i really dont want such things *~*

whatever, i have lots ofthings to do like hunting a turkey.

happy thanksgiving

ps: if you have no idea what PA is you can look here:

http://lastbreath.wordpress.com/2007/11/22/prince-albert-for-thanksgiving/

i feel his fingers running up and down my spine as if counting something, a silent lullaby for my sleepless night, unaware of the world surrounding me, i count my own breath, a replace for the sheep jumping over the fence cos recently they’re tired of jumping over anything and they gave me a warning of over-crowded fields, all will die soon cos of hunger.

thinking about the sheep i missed the seconds his hand moved a good 10 inch lower resting a finger on my butt hole, i stop pretending to be asleep just to avoid him from going any further. now i have his hand in my own, biting his fingertips, and he responds pretty quickly by biting my earlobe. i turn and sleep on my back, staring into his bluish gray eyes. i have something on my mind but im not sure he wants to hear it. sometimes i amuse myself by thinking before talking, it’s his habit not mine. i bite my lower lip to avoid words; trying to guess what his answers can be, he says i look funny when trying to keep my mouth shut. so i try harder and he smiles at me, one of those irresistible smiles i love so much, the next moment we’re kissing really hard, having our very own tongue fight and i never found out why kissing him is so different.
he let me break the kiss to catch my breath but i dont wanna continue anything.
“can we talk seriously now?” i ask him.
“we always talk seriously, don’t we?” he answers with a killing smile on his face.
me:”i’ve been thinking……..”
him:-” don’t think too much, k?”
me:” bitch, listen to me………”
him:” wait a sec, have you taken your pills?”
i close my eyes to think, have i? i dont remember.
me:” i think no.”
he gets outta bed to fetch my pills, i bite my lips very hard seeing him running to the kitchen naked, what if the little girl wakes up. i grab the blanket and run after him to the kitchen, it’s a fair deal, he has the blanket, i have my pills and then another kiss, some nights we’re boringly too romantic and it seems everything is getting worse the more we live together.
“do you think they can fix their relationship?” i ask swallowing all the water in one breath.
he sits on the table with the blanket carefully hiding his body, ” i think they should.”
me:” and what if they dont or cant?”
him:” it’s their life.”
me:” but it we must do something for them, they’re our friends.”
him:” do what? it’s their lives, not ours.”
i fill my glass again, swallowing each sip with as much as hesitation i can waste on those water drops. he strokes my hair a bit, making it messier than its natural way, “don’t think to much” he whispers in my ear.
i stare at him without saying a word, counting my own heartbeats and im not even sure about the words marching in my mind.
“im gonna talk to him seriously, i started it, i should be the one ending it.” i say at last.
he grabs my hand firmly:” you’re doing nothing than keeping your mouth shut, it’s not about you. he didn’t have a crush on you, it’s all lust but if you have a crush on him, it’s another thing to consider. ” he pauses for a few seconds before going on ” you didn’t have a crush on him, did you?”
i ‘m not sure about the answer, i keep on staring at the floor until little tears run down my eyes.
he grabs my hair and pulls it so hard i cant avoid not looking at him, “answer me? what happened between you two?”
i get up and stand infronna him,pressing his wrist as hard as i can to loosen his fingers round my hair.
” Ace, listen, i really have no idea, im so confused, things with him is very different, but i know you’re the only man i love and i wanna live with.clear?”
he puts his arms round my torso and pulls me close giving me a long kiss and we remain in the cuddling position till i hear little squeaking sounds from her bed, telling us she’d be outta her bed any second. he runs to the bedroom and i goes to her room, another bathroom trip for her.
after putting her to bed and kissing her goodnight with a short censored second bedtime story, i go back to my own bed and he’s waiting for me.
“what’s different about him?” he asks casually.
“nothing” i jump under the covers.
“do you wanna try it that way with me?” he insists on continuing our boring conversation.
“no, turn the lights off, i wanna sleep.” i hide my head behind the covers.
getting outta bed, turning the lights off and back, i can feel his hand round my neck, pretending to suffocate me if i dont talk.
“i’m choking, i’ll tell you everything.”
-” ok”
“everything, now sleep.”
-“asshole”
“i know it, thanks, good night.”
and there’s silence everywhere before i break it.
“what about talkingto both of’em tomorrow!!”
-” about what?”
“hhhmm not breaking up.”
-“why should we? it’s their relationship, private, can you understand.”
“ok, night”
after a few minutes, he breaks the silence
-” why do you want to do that?”
“i feel guilty.”
-” it has nothing to do with you, they’re swingers, they’re so used to other guys in their life, try to understand, ok?”
i take a deep breath “i understand but they’re our friends”
-” holy crap, stop being so OC, i really dont need to sleep with jesus”
im cant help myself not to laugh, probably no one wants to sleep with jesus, pretty boring i guess to be advised during the bedtime.
i kiss him on his cheek, ” ok sleep with me and keep your faith son, we’re gonna talk to them tomorrow, ok?”
-“as you like, night jesus”
“night son”
sometimes i have no idea how he tolerates me, i know i cant save myself, let alone the world im living in but i cant stop trying not to save others, probably another wrong sick incomplete gene in my brain.
i’m gonna talk to them anyway, they’re the closest frinds we have here and i still think they’re such a gorgeous couple.

mine was very true 😀

1. ARIES – The Liar

(the Ram – 21 March – 19 April)

* Outgoing.

* Lovable.

* Spontaneous.

* Not one to mess with.

* Funny.

* EXCELLENT kisser.

* EXTREMELY adorable.

* Loves relationships.

* Addictive.

* Loud.

2. TAURUS – The funny one

(the Bull – 20 April – 20 May)

* Aggressive.

* Loves being in long relationships.

* Likes to give a good fight for what they want.

* Extremely outgoing.

* Loves to help people in times of need.

* GOOD kisser.

* GOOD personality.

* Stubborn but a caring person.

* One of a kind.

* Not one to mess with.

* Usually are the most attractive people.

3. GEMINI – Irresistible

(the Twins – 21 May – 21 June)

* Nice.

* Love is one of a kind.

* Great listener.

* Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out.

* Trustworthy.

* Always happy.

* Loud.

* Talkative.

* Extremely random and proud of it.

* Outgoing.

* VERY Forgiving.

* Loves to make friends.

* Has a beautiful smile.

* Generous.

* Strong.

* The Irresistible one.

4. CANCER – The Cutie

(the Crab – 22 June – 22 July)

* Most AMAZING kisser…Very high appeal.

* Love is one of a kind.

* Very romantic.

* Most caring person you will ever meet!

* Very creative.

* Outgoing.

* Freak.

* Loves being in long relationships.

* Spontaneous.

* Great at telling stories.

* Not a fighter, but will knock your lights out if it comes down to it.

* Someone you should hold on to.

5. LEO – The Lion

(the Lion – 23 July – 22 August)

* Great talker.

* Attractive and passionate.

* Laid back.

* Knows how to have fun.

* Is really good at almost anything.

* GREAT kisser.

* Unpredictable.

* Outgoing.

*Down to earth.

* Addictive.

* Attractive.

* Loud.

* Loves being in long relationships.

* Talkative.

* Not one to mess with.

* Rare to find.

* Good when found.

6. VIRGO – The One that Waits

(the Virgin – 23 August – 22 September)

* Dominant in relationships.

* Someone loves them right now.

* Always wants the last word.

* Caring.

* Smart.

* Loud.

* Loyal.

* Easy to talk to.

* Everything you ever wanted.

* Easy to please.

* The one and only.

7. LIBRA – The Sexy one

(the Balance aka the scales – 23 September – 23 October)

* Nice to everyone they meet.

* THE BEST in bed

* Their Love is one of a kind.

* Fragile

* Silly, fun,funny and sweet.

* Loves being in long relationships.

* Have own unique appeal.

* Most caring person you will ever meet!

* However not the kind of person you want to mess with… You might end up crying.

8. SCORPIO – The Addicted Oversexed Power Freak

(the Scorpion – 24 October – 21 November)

* EXTREMELY adorable.

*Psychotic When fucked around with

*Great in bed

* Intelligent.

* Loves to joke.

* Very good sense of humor.

* Energetic.

* GOOD kisser.

* Always get what they want.

* Attractive.

* Easy going.

* Loves being in long relationships.

* Talkative.

* Romantic.

* Caring.

9. SAGITTARIUS – The Promiscuous One

(the Archer – 22 November – 21 December)

* Spontaneous.

* High appeal.

* Rare to find.

* Great when found.

* Loves being in long relationships.

* So much love to give.

* Not one to mess with.

* Very attractive.

* Very romantic.

* Nice to everyone they meet.

* Their Love is one of a kind.

* Silly, fun and sweet.

* Have their own unique appeal.

* Most caring person you will ever meet!

* Not the kind of person you wanna mess with because you might end up crying.

10. CAPRICORN – The Passionate Lover

(the Goat – 22 December – 19 January)

* Love to bust.

* Nice.

* Sassy.

* Intelligent.

* Sexy.

* Irresistible.

* Loves being in long relationships.

* Great talker.

* Always gets what he or she wants.

* Cool.

* Extremely fun.

* Loves to joke.

* Smart.

11. AQUARIUS – Does It In The Water

(the Water Bearer – 20 January – 18 February)

* Trustworthy.

* Attractive.

* GREAT kisser.

* One of a kind.

* Loves being in long-term relationships.

* Extremely energetic.

* Unpredictable.

* Will exceed your expectations.

* Not a Fighter, but will knock your lights out if it comes down to it.

12. PISCES – The Partner for Life

(the Fish – 19 February – 20 March)

* Caring and kind.

* Smart.

* Center of attention.

* High appeal.

* Has the last word.

* Good to find, hard to keep.

* Fun to be around.

* Extremely weird but in a good way.

* Good Sense of Humor!!!

* Thoughtful.

* Always gets what he or she wants.

* Loves to joke.

* Very popular.

* Silly, fun and sweet

honestly i’ve missed bolgging here, or blogging this way.

i was up to some very xxx-rated writings that you shouldnt read even with your parents by your side and their hands in their pants.

i missed my old friends, the traffic is great but with all the cum, hard cocks and wet pussies when reading your blog, you will feel disappointed.

and well i think i wanna start blogging this way again so i need a few updates or more than few 😀

when was the last time i blogged here?!!!! aha i remembered so here’s some updates of my kind:

1. i’m back to my beloved city of Boston, right now it’s 28F and rainy but i say it’s a lot better than alaska

2. my little alex is 2 years and 3months old, talkative, naughty and a big headache, adorable i say.

3. i’m not married anymore or i am till my divorce is final. haven’t met my ex for a week or so. and i dont care

4. i bought my own place at last, it’s not big and well it’s not so so great but it’s mine so i like it a lot.

5. alex lives with me having her own bedroom and her own friends and well her own rules, she’s the boss of the house.

6.the last 6 months was really hard for me, lots of downs and a little ups. i was so depressed i couldnt work for a while so i got sacked but well not things are

ok and i have my new job, i dont earn much but i can pay the bills at lease 😀

7. i’m not meeting any woman and i dont have any boyfriend but at least i made my mind and jumpped outta closet completely.

8. being gay is one thing and being your real self is another thing, i’m glad at last i made my mind and accepted the very natural thing about myself.

9. right now i live with my baby girl and partner. honestly it wasnt love at first fright but i was madly in love with him and unfortunately things get worse as time goes by.

10. i cant say much about him here cos he will read what i say and i will be punished. all i can say is that at last i found my soul-mate. he’s very understanding or at least he has no problem with me and my mental problem. he likes me being weird.

11. the one thing i really want is getting my divorce, i cant wait to marry him. (crazy right?!!)

12. two months and 10 days ago me and my partner exchanged rings and since then i’m wearing my ring 24-7, something never happened to my wedding ring.

13. i can say i am enjoying my life, and it will be better when i have Alex’s custody. i know one thing, i really want to be her dad and i want her badly and her mom doesn’t want her, so no problem left 😀

14. it’s hard to be gay and a parent and more than that have BD. every time i feel really down i cant stop thinking of losing her.

but i have a wonderful lover and i know i can count on him.

15. my little girl officially lives with me for nearly 2 months and she loves her two dads, so we’re gonna be  a good family but i know she needs a woman in her life and her mom doesn’t want to be that woman. spo i keep on searching and i have found some eager moms to help me.

16. i think that was enough for a start after so long. i need time to keep my other blog updated 🙂

if i close my eyes forever, there’s just a big hollowness that is ready to eat me alive.
so i fell again, so usual,so silent, so boring.
if i close my eyes forever, then what will happen?
nothing, just a few people will live peacefully ever after.
i’m a failure, i’m loser. don’t gamble with me.
so le me fall

once upon a time, long time ago, “to be, or not to be” was a question, but now things have changed a lot. the “being” is not that important. the being…. makes difference.

so the other day i was chatting with “the other guy”-don’t think wrong, he’s straighter than anything you can think of, so he’s just a friend- and the conversation went on like this:

 me: hug me

that guy: already

me: where?

me: how?

that guy: cant you feel it?

me: no. i think you’re hugging the wrong guy

that guy: what??

that guy: you re fat and pale, right?

me: fuck u! where have you gone?

me: gay-asian bar? 

that guy: oh, shoot! it’s a girl.

me: huh?

me: went to the les? omg

that guy: God im blessed!

(i showed him my picture)

me: this is me

that guy: really?

me: yeah. btw do i really look fat and pale?

that guy: no,   you look weird

me: why?

me: do i have horns and tail and boobs?!

that guy: gayish?

me: i dunno.you tell me

that guy: you feel like choosing a right path, buddy??

me: what path?

that guy: your life

me: hhmm no so sure. but i think it’s fine

me: u dont agree?

that guy: sorry i dont

me: i guessed so

me: is your way right?

that guy: i guessed so

me: lucky then. im not jealous

me: i couldn’t change anything actually

that guy: i dont ask you to

that guy: really?

me: yes really

that guy: you re a loser i know

me: u know i tried

me: i know it

me: no need to be reminded

that guy: never again

me: my pleasure

me: you wanna confirm what?

me: my whole existence is a sin?

that guy: that’s confirmed

that guy: no need to be reminded

that guy: just wonder..

me: wonder what?

that guy: it is stupid that you think you couldn’t change anything and blame god

me: i dont blame him. i never did

me: i just say my creation was the worst thing he could do

that guy: that’s blaming, pal

me: ok. i cant change it. I’m fucked

that guy: now let say, you cant change it and you just follow it

me: ok as you say

that guy: now you wanna affect people around yo?

me: i was born a loser. no i just want to love and be loved

that guy: don’t you think ya have power

me: for what?

that guy: look at your words, man. you have power

that guy: you may have affected many people

me: to be a jerk?

that guy: you happy?

me: i think so

me: you wanna conclude I’m happy with some powers, right?

that guy: maybe, and happy you get some attention with that

me: what a poor creature i am then

me: i’d rather go to bed

me: g’night

And the chat was over but i didn’t go to bed. later we chatted a little more and he claimed i’ll be a threat to my little girl for being gay.

how can i be such? i mean no harm to her. well may be drunk dads say the same but still beat their families but i’m not into alcoholic drinks nor drugs. and i don’t think loving my boyfriend would make me so insane that i try to harm my little girl. that’s way too stupid.

but well there’s this possibility of being hated by her for my sexual orientation. that’s as much as possible when parents kick their kids outta home for the same reason.

i don’t wanna conclude anything and i don’t wanna deny being bisexually gay. and i think even denying it, won’t help me much when me and my wife are screwing one an other and i can’t stop my mind thinking  of him instead of her.

but there’s this fact. i’m a loser in this world and the world of the dead. i can say i tried to change a few things but i’m not giving my boyfriend to a pile of written stuff claiming i will go to hell for being myself and for loving the man of my dreams.

why no guy goes to hell for loving a woman? (3-4 women in other religions!) that’s not a sin but it can make me a real psycho running after my daughter for that reason.

no i’m no fan of that junkie singer, i wanna write about my own boy friend.

but on a second thought i feel i don’t wanna blog about him cos if i complain or backbite then he’s gonna feel offended and if i praise him, then it’s gonna be crap.

so i thought of writing about myself and what can i say? i’m a lucky guy or as Pinocchio said in Shrek “i’m a real boy” except that my wooden nose won’t grow longer if i lie!

sometimes i feel so lonely, i want all the privacy i need to be with him, just with him and no one else, going to the woods, fishing, hunting, camping and the rest of the things guys do but people here are so different. i have this wonderful cover of being a married man who loves his family and it’s no lie cos i will do anything i can to make them feel comfortable as far as my sick mind lets me.

and well he has his own cover, he’s divorced with two kids, though both of them lives with their moms, there’s no reason to accuse him of being gay.

everything seems so ridiculous when i review all those closet-time of my life, struggling with my feelings,fears and tears till at last i gave up and since then i never met that Mr. Right. all of my partners/ boyfriends were real bitches and may be the reason was that they were just like me, a real asshole.

and now at 26, after 6-7 years of looking for that special guy, at last i found him in one of the most retarded parts of the States. i don’t mean that i disgust this place or hate its people, i just don’t feel comfortable. there’s always this fear of being caught by a friend or an acquaintance; it may look hot at first but when you run outta excuses then they will hate you, him and your families.

i’ve spend many nights thinking how it is like when someone tells you that one of your parents is gay. may be it looks fine to many people but i doubt it look that much fine to a little girl.

sometimes when i have little arguments with him, i think to myself “ooofff it’s all over, we’re gonna breakup and never meet again so i can go on my straight life.”

but the next time we meet and exchange a few “i’m sorry…..” words and a little of hugging and kissing; then i think how i can live without him or how i lived all these years on my own.

i think i have to go to a doc and ask him/her to give me some capsules to make me straight!

ok, enough said. it’s time to call him and wake him up. i just enjoy waking him up early mornings , specially at weekends just to give him reasons to “let my heart go!!”

oh my dearest you have no fucking idea how much i missed you all those endless long endless day-like nights, staring at empty pages, or even the blue thing on top of other people’s writing cans all saying to me, sorta even deceiving me to write!

officially i haven’t blogged since 12th of last month, technically i haven’t written any crap for a whole month and by now i’m dammed sure my psychiatrist is so proud of me.

i can’t say it was a good time but it was fine. and i really have no idea to whom i’m talking too. Alllooooo any muthafucka out there?

if you wanna become an expert, you need helluva practice. and i can’t even write a logical thing (let’s pretend i could write some time ago)

so as for the start or kinda end to something review the last 6-8 weeks!

1. broke up with my ex (fucking bastard, it was obvious he wasn’t my kind)

2. changed my psychiatrist and as a result went through all the shit with new meds and dosage!

3. the baby girl turned to be Ms. talkative with lots of crazy questions, just giving me headaches and making me wish i was deaf!

4. i gave up the idea of spending so many nights surfing the net and instead i started to read some books!

5. some fucking bastard stole my laptop and a few other things, just forcing me to choose between a brand new laptop in the next 3 years or a digi-cam for the coming 3-4 months.

6. last not least apparently and to some extent obviously i found my mr. right and Gawd he’s so sexy and lovable. i’m not gonna give any details cos you may kidnap him. all i can say is that he’s so much better than all the guys i’ve dated to date!

what else?

aha, as long as i’m back and i’ve made my mind to keep on blogging and writing crap for a while i thought this blog needed a new look and beside the new theme (that i have it on my other blog and love it so much!) i needed a header so  without further ado, i bring to you the extinct species living in north pole aka me (i know you were dying to see my face!)

i know i look really ugly and remind you of your great great great grand father but i can promise you to have a plastic surgery asap (i’m saving for it, may be you can help me a bit!)

ok, that was enough for today. i’m gonna change the header soon, i’m just looking for something better!

mother’s day wishes

* If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands ?
* Personally, I think today’s kids ought to do something really special for their Mothers on Mother’s Day — like move out!
* Hey guys — looking for a great gift for your Mother-in- Law on Mother’s Day ? Why not send her back her daughter?(i’m gonna do this myself!)
* A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college. With a sigh she replied, “Everything I have.”
* Fathers — take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure of getting at least one thing — the bills from Mother’s Day. (OMFG!)

“A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.”– Winston Churchill

* Most Mothers are always amazed when their sons daughters marry a person with much lower mental capacity, ambition and moral standards, yet still manage to have utterly brilliant children.
* Mothers come in all shapes and sizes. For example, an Italian Mother might chastise her offspring for not eating by saying, “Eat your dinner, or I’ll kill you.” A Jewish Mother on the other hand would say, “Eat your dinner, or I’ll kill myself.”
* A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend. She asked her Mother’s advice about returning the gifts he’d given her. Without a pause, her Mother replied, “Send back the stuffed animals and letters, but
keep the jewelry for sentimental reasons.”

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

sometimes you have to slow down. nope i’m not talking about pressing break pedals!

or better say i have to slow down a bit cos it’s not too good to decide and act so fast. i think, i decide,  i do and when everything is outta control i ask for other people’s idea!

so Slow down Keith, don’t run downstairs for a glass of water, stop by Alexis door and she whether she’s asleep or not, fine or sick. may be she wants some water too!

ssshhhh i really dunno what i am saying!

so i’m trying to start everything from here!

timmy3shocker1.jpg

personally I don’t care much about politics cos i can’t do anything to stop or start something planned!

but when i read this ” Millions of dollars for rural schools and roads in Alaska are now at stake in a confrontation between the White House and congressional Democrats over withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq.” in the papers, i really despised those fat guys resting their ass on comfy chairs and looking for a way to make their pocket full the money collected from taxes and in the end not only any school or road is made or fixed; they let the troops get mental diseases or die for no reason.

i dunno how this stupidity can be stopped but i think nobody ever stopped such things during the history. So i put my backpack in the car, kick J’s ass to shake a leg, jump into ym chevy and press the gas to get to the airport before the plane takes off.

see you later in Anchorage. i bet I’m gonna die spending 20 days working hard without my family. i already miss Alexis and Meg!

when he doesn’t take his pills, his world looks so crazily crazy.
honestly i haven’t finished my report yet, there’s still a lot left and I’m not sure whether i can finish it tonight or not cos I’m so down and depressed and surely I’m not in the mood of doing anything right now.
I’m glad you’re feeling better and at last you found some time to spare and check here…………………..
you know every word i type takes ages to come to my mind and it takes me a good 5 minute to finish every line. i type a few words, stare at the screen and then ask myself:” then what? is it all you want Keith? are you sure these are the words you wanna say?” then i answer myself with a big NO and another long meaningless stare.
(you have no idea how long it took me to write the lines above!)
i feel weak, my hands are cold as ice, yes it’s nothing unusual. i dunno why my hands are so cold every day and it’s been like this all my life.
I still remember that guy at highschool, I still remember his green eyes and warm big hands and how much i enjoyed sitting by his side and he holding my hands in his so they wouldn’t feel numb anymore. i remember once i told him:” B I really love you, why you keep on ignoring me?” and he didn’t say a word, just smiled and held my hands tighter. I wish i could see him again and this time i wouldn’t hesitate to kiss him.
sometimes I’m not sure how alive i am cos it’s hard to hear my own heart-beat and yes my hands are cold, as cold as the ice outside; then how could i be still alive?!
it must be something very weird to feel ok, so are you ok?
you know i had to finish that fucking report but i didn’t. it was a “must-be-done” obliged by myself cos i have to read tones of articles and there are 2 articles that i have to write it by myself in a week time and i don’t have any idea how to write them cos i have to open piles of books and spend hours searching before i can write the introduction;and next week I’m going back to Anchorage and it’s again another +12 hours working everyday and would i have enough energy to finish anything?! surely not cos I’m not a super hero with significant natural powers.
Keith, don’t drown, for God’s sake, don’t drown!

I’m sick of myself, I’m sick of this world, I’m sick of everything and everyone cos there’s no reason left to go on, i wish i could puke my brain and dig into my rib case to take my warm beating heart out just to take a look at it, just to make sure it’s still beating. and what should i do if it wasn’t beating, it wasn’t warm but a big cold stony thing?!

how much i like to lock this door and stay in my bedroom forever, and do you know how long forever is?! is it too long?
i would have locked the door if i knew where the key was but the key is not in this room; it’s not here so where is it?
yes i know it must be miles away, probably melted to something better, may be a a wire for cutting heads, but who makes wires outta cast iron?! Keith, you know no one do that cos it’s not possible to extrude cast iron that much! you passed that course, didn’t you?

so why i agreed with her that we shouldn’t lock doors in our home?! i dunno, may be she was afraid of the day i do something stupid?! then that’s so stupid cos I’m doing stupid things everyday and why should she bother if i hurt myself? is it really that important?

i spent most of the day reading and thinking; what was the name of that book? i dunno
And who was the writer? i don’t have any clue, but i know it was written in French and all i read was a quite good translation that you had to re-read some parts to understand and you couldn’t skip lines.
and how much i felt like the heroine of that tragedy , was she the heroine then? did she drown herself? if she did then why the writer didn’t say anything? why I’m still sitting in my bedroom on bare floor and leaning against the door so no one can come in!
it must have been a good story that i cried when it finished. and i cant see the point those fucking tears are getting together to make a big drop and run down my face just to give me a feeling of wetness and salt.
hey it’s been years since the time you grew up and you’re still seeking for that thing, for that lost part of your past?! and why don’t you stop it? yes i know you like dreaming about your own nightmares and what’s that big nightmare making you hide behind your blanket and weep sadly? are you really that sad or you like that bitter feeling of being lost in your never-land and cry for help. shout as loud as you can and then shut your mouth cos there’s no voice left for you and you know nobody cares!
you care?! why should you? tell me just a reason and that’s gonna be enough!
because you love me?! that’s stupid cos i cant see the reason to be loved.

no, i wasn’t created to be an angel, i was made to be a fallen creature struggling in his own shit every minute. so where are you hiding now? don’t you really wanna think nasty and talk dirty? where’s your next blog entry? look that guy’s such a turn-on , how dare you stand still and stare at the nothingness infronna your eyes when he’s shaking that sexy ass so wild!?!

how sick i feel, how tired i feel and how much………. no i don’t want this dirty life end cos i cant stand my own shouts and cries and begs when suffering that eternal torture on my sluttish body.
“I didn’t give you this body for your sexual pleasure, you were supposed to worship me, to praise me, to beg me to forgive your stupidity. how dare you committed so many sins in front of my very eyes, you little worthless creature of mine” he’s gonna say this, he’s waiting there to rip my flesh with his divine sword and say this to me.
” so you wanted to be disobedient?! you thought that it was a big ridiculous joke written in those holy books saved there just for you to laugh at in the future and tease your creator!? who you thought you were?! weren’t you another creature i made cos you had to exist on this big planet so i could show my heavenly powers, I’m the mighty one, so kneel and praise me.
you rude creature, how dare you stare at me with your sinful eyes. i didn’t give you those eyes to gaze at whatever bare body you could find; those eyes were given to cry for forgiveness.”

I’m an attention seeker, i do anything to attract attention and i don’t mind what it is: it can be exposing my body to whoever wants or exposing my thoughts to strangers. i offer you my hand for help but actually all i want is pulling you closer to own you. i want you for myself, i want you to pay attention to me and just me!
and how lonely i am cos I’m lost. he’s there watching me, waiting for me to call him and he’s gonna take me outta this shit with his almighty hands.
“call me son”
” no, i don’t like you, i cant see the reason to love that infinite eternity. why you created me? how dare you created such a weak creature that you knew he’d fall and could never climb up to your heavenly doors?! you enjoy watching me suffer from my own sins every now and then that i feel there’s no reason for living but just loving you and then i go, i cry helplessly in front of your powerful eyes and go. go back to my every day life.
“so how’s Alexis doing? want a ride on daddy’s back?!”
or kissing my sweetheart and saying” babe, so what should i buy today?”
or spanking that boy and slipping a tongue in his warm mouth and thinking:” he tastes so good”

how real are they? ain’t they a reflection of my own thoughts?
who am i? what am i doing here? are you sure I’m the one I’m trying to show?

I’m 26, i have a degree in material…………… how do you know?
it’s obvious? yes I’m so fond of metals, I’ve been a fan of heavy metal all my life, huh?! no not that metal? so you want me to talk about forging? or why you cant weld aluminum? or how you can make nano-wires?!
how small a nano-wire is?! i think i have some wires in my closet, lemme bring ’em!

I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m weak, this stomachache is killing me, it’s been days since the first time it bugged me. ” i must be hungry” so i eat, i empty plates but it gets worse. i try to ignore it. then it must be PMS. PMS? are you alright?
yes I’m alright, I’m sure, it’s my PMS!
so when did you last have a period?!
hhhmmm i don’t remember, it must be years ago. yes it’s so long i don’t remember when it was. can you tell me how it is like, may be i have one right now?!

where’s that book*? was it a book or just notes? where have i put it? did i really read it?or may be it was a dream?
momma, i wanna talk to you!, do you know where daddy is? huh?! he’s gone. yeah yeah i know.
what? it’s not polite to use “yeah and huh!” why momma, why it is like this?
huh? i shouldn’t call you momma cos it’s childish?! then what should i call you? is it ok if i call you mom, or what about mommy, i think mummy’s gonna be much better!

why i felt so much like Clarice? yes you were such a good mom. i could kiss and hug you whenever i like but did you ever botheryourself to ask me how i felt?
“mommy i feel sore in my throat”
–“ok, i’m gonna take you to the doctor, i’m gonna make you soups, i’m gonna give you orange juice”
“mommy, i won’t come home before 8, we’regonna have a game with the other team from the other school”
–” ok, but be home before 9″
“momma, you know today i scored 20 points all on my own, you know we win and those guys were so tall i have to pass the ball between their legs”
–“why your clothes are so dirty? put ’em in the washing machine and hey wash your legs before going to bed”
“momma i got A+ in my geometry exam and you know it was so hard, many of the other kids could hardly get a “D”!”
–“good, now wash your hands and come have dinner”
“momma, why you never take a look at my report cards?”
–“cos i know you have good marks!”
“momma, do you know which grade i am in?”
—————–
“momma i need a bike”
” if you get good marks, we’re gonna buy you one”
“momma, ever wondered how i go to school?”
“yes by bus!”
“so why you never take me there?”
“cos you can go yourself”
“momma do you wanna come and see the final game?”
“no, i hate basketball”
“momma we won, take a look at my -fake- medal?”
“put it there and take a shower”
“momma, my friend john told me his mom helps him with his homework, so why don’t you help me?”
“cos you have to do it on your own”
“momma may i sit on your lap?”
“wait, i have to finish cooking”
“momma can i sit on your lap now and you run your fingers through my hair”
“ok”
“why don’t you cut your hair?”
” ok, i’m gonna do it, if you kiss me”
and she kissed me.
“why you never kissed me good night?”
“cos you’re a man now”
“but you never did it when i was a kid”
she turned her head.
“keith, don’t cllimb that tree, you’re gonna hurt yourself”
“no, i won’t, wanna come up?!”
“momma why you never come to school and talk to my teachers”
“for what?!”
“to see how i am doing at school”
” cos there’s no need, i know you’re a good student”
*********
“momma, you gotta come to my school tomorrow”
“why? ask your dad to come”
“no you must come”
after lots of struggles she came.
” you know Mrs…… you have a genius son but ….” they didn’t let me stay.
on the way home. “momma, why are you so silent”
she didn’t answer, surely she was thinking about what i did.
the next day she gave me a box of color pencil. i knew what i had to do, i gave it to the boy sitting next to me; later i threw his pencil box in the garbage can. no i didn’t want his pens, i want my mom to come to my school, she didn’t say a word. did she understand why i did it?!
*********
“momma today i met…..” slamming the door, she doesn’t mind i met someone i love.
“momma you know today me and … went to the lockers and……….” yes she doesn’t care her son is no more virgin.
and did she ever ask me why?!
yes once she found the romantic letters i wrote.
“so tell me what are these?”
“nothing, well they’re not mine, they’re for my friend’s. he gave them to me so……..”
shit why i could never lie to her.
“end it, you’re still a child”
” ok mom. ok, i will”
yes i ended everything, and she didn’t bother herself to ask me whether i loved her or not!
AND YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN I GOT MARRIED, YOU WEREN’T THERE TO SEE YOUR GRAND DAUGHTER AND YOU’RE NOT HERE TO SEE HER TALK!

yes, i’m 26. i’m a grown up man or at least i look like one and i’m still looking for a mom.
that old lady sitting in the park,yeah she’s so perfect to be my mom.

“do you want a son?”
“do you wanna be my mom?”
“i promise to be a good boy , you know there’s something bothering me, there’s something eating me from inside and i don’t wanna tell my wife, ….. yes she understands but……..
thank you
can i sit here?
am i a bad son?
you know i really tried to be better but i cant change myself.
you know last night………
hhhmm actually ………
yoohoo any body there?
you’re gonna mail me, ain’t you?
what?1 you’re busy tonight? ok i can wait- or i have to wait-
am i bothering you?
do you mind if i kiss you?
can you hug me?
i’m not feeling ok.
you know you’re such a good mom, i love you…………

BUT YOU’RE NOT MY MOM AND YOU NEVER WANNA HAVE SUCH A SON BUT WELL YOU’RE SO GOOD THAT YOU DON’T WANNA BREAK MY HEART. OK I TRY TO BE YOUR MOM BUT YOU KNOW……
YES I KNOW, YOU’RE NOT MY MOM, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE AND THERE’S NO REASON TO CARE ABOUT SOMEONE LIVING MILES AWAY. SOMEONE YOU MAY NEVER SEE!
I APPRECIATE YOUR ATTENTION AND I LOVE YOU AND YOU KNOW IT’S NOT JUST WORDS….
I WISH YOU WERE MY MOM AND THANKS FOR EVERYTHING**

*.I was reading this:” Elle est parite” by ” Catherine Guillebaud”
**. those words asking you to be my mom are so familiar to your eyes, am i right? and you know I’m talking to you and i knew no other way to thank you.
***. i know no one wants a son like me but if you ever wanted a son for free, I’d be happy to have a mom!

I looked into some old pages and I found this, it looks quite funny right now!(I looked so AC/DC LOL!)

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Closing the door and pulling all the curtains  , i crawled into the bed and closed my eyes, I could hear my own heart beat cos it was beating so fast and strong I thought it might jump out of my rib case ; I was nervous like a teenage boy trying something forbidden for the first time.

I trembled a bit as her lips touched my cheek, it was more like an electric shock given to a dead body. I thought:”Oh my Gawd, I want her more than anything else.” I couldn’t stop myself from what looked so natural. Without much hesitation I hugged her tight. keeping her close to my sweaty body I kissed her cheek and then I kissed her lips. I closed my eyes and stuck my lips to her as long as I could still holding her close to my body.

She tasted me with her tongue and we started eating one another. she was so sweet, tasting like a cup of hot chocolate to me that I felt i was in heaven, I wanted the clocks to stop working and let those moments last for ever.

I didn’t realize when she unzipped my jeans and got her cold sweet lovely fingers inside but just a simple touch of her was more than enough for me; I was as hard as stone and I was sure I wanted her to go further so I let her do whatever she liked to my body. She turned upside down and in a few seconds she was between my legs and she  was exploring my shaft her tongue and massaging my balls with her fingers. I moaned in pleasure, grabbed her hair and directed her head to the place gaping for attention; she took my meat inside her warm mouth and sucked it like a little baby, at first she sucked it slowly then she sucked faster. I couldn’t hold for long, I cried: “omg, I’m cuming” she sucked my cock harder and i came. she ate all my loads & didn’t waste a drop.we were both breathless; but I had to satisfy her too cos I didn’t want to owe her anything. so we quickly got outta bed  and got rid of our clothes. Jumping back on the bed, we got to the 69 position and I buried my face inside her wet pussy, I licked a few drops of her juice then teased her by running my tongue around her well-shaved pussy. She hadn’t left a pubic hair as if she knew we wanted do it that day. the aroma coming from her pussy was so great and intoxicating for me. I dug into her clit thrusting my tongue inside her. I could hear her moaning and panting, I sucked her harder, she let out a loud cry and it was followed by her juices. I licked her clean and she tasted so good. I laid on my back and i was hard again cos she was teasing me with her tongue as I sucked on her clit.

She winked at me then she stood up and parted her pussy lips giving me a full view of her erect clit; it was such a turn on for me that all i wanted was to fuck her tight cunt. She lowered her body as if she read my mind, she grabbed my cock and put the head at her entrance, I was ready to fuck her. I stared at her big beautiful eyes and begged her to go on. slowly slowly she let me in. I couldn’t believe she was so tight, her pussy muscles tightened round my organ and I could see pain in her eyes. She remained in the same position for a few minutes before starting to ride, at first she moved slowly, then she went  faster trying to get me completely inside. But she was so tight and my dick was a bit too thick for her she couldnt take me in. she rode faster and harder as I got closer to my climax. A few more strokes and we both came together and I helped her lay on my side with my semen oozing outta her hole.

I love her so much, she’s so perfect, so hot, so sexy, and sometimes it seems she’s never satisfied and that day was one of those times.

It didn’t take long before she was ready for another mission, she held my cock in her hand and started to play with it to wake up th beast. But I couldn’t keep up with her pace, I needed some time to regain my power and another erection.

she played with my cock for a while till it was hard again then she moved on her for ready for me to get inside of her. I got behind her and held my cock with one hand and lubing the other hand. I played with her ass cheeks then touched her tight ass hole trying to insert a finger but she yelled:” no anal” .shit , I knew; I knew she didn’t want anyone play with her anus. I parted her pussy and got inside of her so hard that she let out a loud scream, I knew she was hurt so I pulled out and this time I thrust slowly. we went on till we came, I came first but i kept on thrusting till she came too, then we laid on the bed holding each other and panting, we were both exhausted.

Thanks heaven her parents were out or they’d kill us if they knew what we were up to.

We spent quite a while together on the bed, kissing and touching then we showered before her parents came home. Then we went downstairs and turned the TV on, pretending we were watching it all day.

Though it was a great time, i still feel something was missing; i wanted her to fuck me from behind with her dildo. i felt my ass was on fire, shit, i hate this feeling, i don’t wanna act like gays.*

*. yes I know  this post was all crap but I have noticed a few things:

1. I write a bit better now

2. I love my wife

3. I was a real fag who was afraid of his own homosexual feelings

4. I’m happy I’ve found my boy

5. just 9 days left and I haven’t done anything for our first anniversary, any one has any idea to help?

sometimes our dreams come true and then we wish we’d wished for something else.

everything is all right. the central heating is working properly so Alexis is back home.

me & Meg had a great time together but it was more riding than hiking hihihi

then me & J shot our last weapons and now we’re more than friends again.

i’m enjoying another depressive mood though there are a lot to enjoy.

i dunno why i feel so down so often!

it’s 9 am, i haven’t had breakfast yet, J & Alexis are still asleep and Meg’s out for shopping and me doing nothing. i think it’s gonna be another boring day lying on the bed and staring at the walls and drowning in endless nightmares.

stay sick cos i’m feeling blue!

At the moment i feel so much like climbing something & somewhere.

so we’re going for a hike and prob’ly won’t be available for a while.

note: though i love many people around me and Alexis is on top of the list; i’m just going with my wife , just me and her and yuckkkk does it sound too romantic?

lemme check i have taken extra clothes, warm clothes, sleeping bags, fruits, piles of cans, …. there’s something missing, yeahhhh where’s the condom?!

and i’m feeling so gay cos nature is where i really belong (yes i’m a chimp, howdya know?)

so take care, i’ll look after both of us 😉

to my not very surprise, today Jeff came to my in-laws’ place so he can ask them for some help.
this is the conversation between me & mom (or something like this)
mom: so what’s your problem, keith?
keith: huh? whacha talkin about?
mom: you know what i am talking about, don’t you?
keith: nah, gimme a hint!
mom: com’on keith, don’t pretend you cant understand me. (pointing to the living-room where he’s watching TV)
keith: aha,HIM! no problem.
mom: so why you don’t talk to him?
keith: cos we have talked a lot, nothing left to say.
mom: but he says he can explain, he jus wants a chance.
keith: mom, why ya on his side? he’s said what he could say. what does he wanna add?
mom: give him a chance, for my sake.
me thinking and scratching my curly wavy hair.
keith: ok,only cos you asked me but he can have just a minute.
so i went to the living-room
me: hey
he raises his head and looks at me with a stupid grin on his face.
me: so whadya wanna say?
HIM: hi, come & sit here.
i stand still by the entrance.
me: i don’t have much time.
Him:(looking a bit offended) whad do yo wanna do?
me: Alexis wants her horse to give her a long ride on his back.
Him: and that’s more important to you?
me: playing with my daughter is more important than many things.
Him: I see
me: so?
i keep silent for a while but he doesn’t want to speak so i go on.
me: Look J i’ve told you everything, and i’m gonna buy you a pair of rings if that’s all you want.
Him: keith!
me: yes! what do you wanna tell me? you wanna say you’ve decided to get married and live a very straight life in MY city, right?
Him: for heaven’s sake, slow down.
me: time’s up, i have to go.
Him: fuck you………
i don’t let him finish his sentence.
me: no, i don’t have the time to get fucked, besides i don’t have any condom here and i’m not in the mood and well i’m having my period.
grinning at his puzzled look, i go outside the room looking for my little girl.
me: Alex, Alexis, Lexiiiiiiisssss, where ya? come to daddy!
wiggling her little hands she runs down the stairs.
me shouting: ” holy …….-i bite my lip remembering i shouldn’t curse infronna her- don’t run”
i catch her somewhere in the middle of air and hug her tight. she screams and i let her go.
Putting her hands on the side of her head she says: “Orse”
me kissing her:” ok, horse but that’s a rabbit that has big ears like you” she giggles.

15 minutes later, me lying on the sofa half dead half alive, i wasn’t born a horse!
i can hear Alexis shouting at her mom for not giving her lipstick to her, God she’s an exhibitionist even now!

He comes to the room, touching me on the shoulder, i open my eyes and sit.
me: what?
Him: you played with her, didn’t you?
me: so?
Him: can we talk now?
me: i thought we talked enough that night and you were supposed to leave last morning, weren’t you?
Him: can you shut your fucking mouth up for a second and listen?
putting my forefinger to my noise and said:” shush no f-words, she may hear”
lowering his voice:”ok, i made a mistake but i wanted to know how it was like.”
me almost shouting:” how it was like, how it was like?!, do i look like donkeys? do you see a tail? and you didn’t know how it was like?! you’re trying to say you were virgin? go fuck yer mom……….
mom came to the room: KEITH!
me feeling red with blushes: sorry, i meant nothing
i wait till she goes out of the room
me: so what do you want now?
unzipping my jeans i went on: so you wanna fuck me to see how it is like?
he grabs my jeans before falling.
Him: Keith, for God’s sake, for the sake of the one whom you worship, for the sake of your loved ones
i stare at him, and said: ok for their sake what? don’t ask you to fuck me cos i need something in my ass!?huh?!
him looking else where and murmuring: “bitch”
me: i heard it, yes i’m a bitch, didn’t you know that? then what?
i zip my jeans and make a bee line for the door
him: i’m sorry keith, i’m really sorry
me: if you cry, i may think about it
Meg coming to the room, pretending she didn’t hear anything; “so what’s the problem boys?”
me leaving the room: nothing, it seems HE has found something new.
as i was almost outside the room, i shouted:” hey Meg do you have a good dress for his wedding?”
she smiles at Him and follows me out of the room, ” may be you have to buy me one!”
we let him think on his own, i wave at mom as we open the entrance door to go out for a walk with my arm round her waist.
mom: don’t stay out too long, it’s cold out there and don’t come late for lunch.
me: yes sire!
and i shut the door.
****************
may be you think i should have given the chance. actually i did and now i want him to decide what he wants from his life on his own. yes i love him and i don’t wanna lose him but i can’t tie to my bed!
i’m not sure what i really want to hear from him, well may be i’m a pussy bisexual preferring males to females more and he’s bi too, i knew it but i didn’t expect him dumping me without any warning. my heart is not a crowded street that many people come and go every where, i can’t love many people from the bottom of my heart, i have a limited space there and he has to make his choice!
***> any suggestion to get outta this hell is welcomed 🙂

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all i want at the moment is a good partner like these:

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honestly, i’m sorta feeling blue, quite pissed off and i’m so glad of giving J what he deserved.

you cant fuck with me and escape without any punishment!

do i look like a desperate gay dad?! hope not!

let’s start the first working day!

I’m getting ready to get up and get dressed and get my lazy ass in right gears to move and leave home for a while to get something to eat. got what i said?

Spending my third day of staying home and doing nothing and just staring at random things and waiting for random things to crash on my head or other random unexpected unfortunate events, nothing special has happened till now. So i made my mind to get outta home and do something productive like running after kids, sitting on ice and catching no fish or shooting some moving things and then call ’em moving moose.

honestly it seems i was happier when working more than 12 hours a day, at least i was doing something and by the end of the month i could smile at the sight of those additional figures in my account.

right now: Meg & Alexis are out at some friends’ place, in-laws are enjoying themselves  doing i dunno what and my fucking boy friend is hanging with some (read one) cute girl(S) he met the other day.

and i know you’re green with envy! yes it feels great not to work that i feel i’m going crazy if i stay one more hour at home and i have decided to go back to my old job till the end of my vacation, then finish my fucking contract with that fucking company and get back home (that’s gonna take a whole month so fuck ’em all!)

and I know now you’re saying why i’m complaining 7/24 when zillion of gay guys are dreaming of my life and i wonder how they can be gay when they’re fantasizing about boobs and pussies!

i feel so gay today cos when i woke up, it was 10 to 8 and no one was at home and nothing was left for me to eat and i had 2 notes stuck to the fridge; one from my wife saying i could have crackers and milk for breakfast and she won’t be home earlier than 5 pm and i have to pick her up and i can join them for lunch if i were in the mood of getting outta house, taking a bath and shaving.

the other note from J was a lot better; it started with a “fcuk your lazy ass for sleeping too much” in bold and italic and big red font and i hate red pens! then telling me  he’s gonna spend his day with the girl he met the other day in a party he went with Meg & Alexis last Sunday.

things worrying me:

1. is it wrong to sleep 2-3 hours a day?

2. why no one tried to wake me up and take me with themselves?

3. why my gay boyfriend look so straight to me?

4. should i buy Meg a…… for our first anniversary or buy Alexis a tricycle or buy myself a skateboard or buy J a pair of rings for his wedding?

there must be something very wrong with me, i know it’s too hard to deal with depressed me and it’s hell boring to be down so often but at least they could offer taking me out than letting me stay home and drown in my own shit.

And i’m gonna laugh till death if J fucks that girl and tells me he’s not feeling gay anymore!

Wanna have a boy friend with a wife and a naughty kid? i’m 5′ 10”, 137 lbs and i’m just a pink elephant lost and looking for a caring guy, i’m not too ugly (yeah i look better than your gay grandpa! ) and i earn ….k$ per month, so can we meet tonight cos i feel so gay and i need an @$$ to f***.

i knew you were jealous of me, admit it!

i haven’t done much yesterday and i’m not gonna do anything today, and tomorrow won’t be any different.

All i wanna do is to sit down and stare at the clock and let those stupid hands chase one another till eternity.

it’s not important how bored and down and depressed i am, i just want to stay in bed and imagine myself standing on top of a cliff, do you wanna be the one who push me down?

i’m intolerable when feeling normal, let alone feeling down in the dumps, so leame alone and let me deal with my own shit in my own way, can you fuck off me?  don’t forget to shut the door.

*. another me & boy friend story!

He rested his hand on my chest and took a deep breath.

 “I feel a bit sore and tired, wanna go on?” he asked. I grabbed his head and pulled him close enough to whisper something in his ears. ” do you wanna come with us or not?”

he licked my cheek gently then said:” surely you have no right to leamme here, on my own.”

I loosened my fingers and let him adjust his body to a better position as I leaned on my elbows and pushed myself to the other end of the bed to have a better view of my lover.

he looked like a naughty boy ready to play with; I took a good long stare at him and admired his muscular body with my fingers running up and down his hand.

” how long you wanna tease?” he asked.

“you know I enjoy exhaustin’ and playin’ with my prey before eatin’ him.” I licked my lips.

he grabbed his very hard cock in his hand and stroked it several times, I leaned forward to touch his beautiful cock too shouting:” no jerk off, that’s mine, all mine”

he smiled wickedly, rising on his knees and pushing me away.

“you wanna tease, ok, you’re gonna be teased till you beg me stop.”

 All I could do was running on my hands and knees trying to get outta bed but he was fast enough to catch me by my foot and pull me back on the bed, I tried to escape but he put all his weight on my body and stuck me to the bed.

he started biting  the back of  my neck, his hands holding my wrist and giving me no chance to move.

I shouted:” J you’re hurting me bitch”

 he loosened his hands a bit so I could change my very unstable position.

“so what should I do with my disobedient lover” he asked.

 “do as you like but move your fucking knee away from my back, you’re breaking it!”

he pushed his knee against my back harder, I tried to throw him to the other side of the bed but he was holding me really firm. “it hurts, yeah?” he asked.

 “I’m gonna fuck you to death as soon as I get outta your hell.” I yelled.

“you’re a bluffer, you can’t do anything at the moment.” he said and pushed me harder against the bed, it was hard to breathe.

” babe, lemme go, I beg you, I’m sorry, damn yo, you’re breaking my bones.” I cried.

“what’s today?”  he asked.

 ” I dunno, it’s another fucking Saturday, J lemme go, please.”  the pain was getting worse.

” and you still remember our bet?”  he was really enjoying himself.

” bitch, yeah, ok do as you like but my dead body won’t do you much for pleasure.” I couldn’t go on tolerating more pain.

 “ok, good boy!” he said this and moved to the other side of the bed. both of us covered in sweat, I turned to the other side so I could look into his eyes.

We stayed still for several minutes before I moved my arms round his waist and pulled him closer.

“you were killing me”  I kissed him on the cheek.

“But you’re still alive.”  embracing each other, I licked his lips.  he tasted good, I like his taste, his tender kisses but  I couldn’t stay like that for long.

I kissed him lustfully, he kissed me back. I put a hand on his ass cheek.

 shivering a little, he said: “shiiittt, your hand’s so cold”

he bent toward the floor to find the blanket.

 we moved under the blanket, I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his shoulder, I could hear his breath, he could hear mine. his fingers caressed my back.

” I love you baby.” I whispered.

“so do I, asshole” he whispered back.

we remained in each others arms for a while, I enjoyed rubbing my body against his. my hands were pretty warm by then and all I wanted was to sleep in his arm, I was so tired to think of anything else.

 But the other head was really  busy and hard. I rubbed my hand against his smooth skin till at last I found his hand  jerking his hard dick slowly, I put my hand on his hand, then held it tight and  brought it to my mouth, licking every finger.

 now my hand was resting on his hard cock. I moved a bit upward so I could see his face. I squeezed his balls a little, then put both hands on his shoulders and turned him to his back  then raised my body a bit, putting my leg on his other side and then he was between my legs. I pressed my chin against his chest, then put my weight on my elbows as I rubbed my dick against his groin, he closed his eyes.

 I began to rub my hard cock against his fully erect cock, he put his hands on my hips and pushed me closer, I pushed back. He let out a loud moan as I kissed his lips.

I increased my pace and he moaned louder as  I rubbed my balls against his and it felt so good.

I buried my face in his pillow as he parted my ass cheeks, I was dying to feel his fingers inside, I wanted him to fill my painful butt hole.

 Out of the blue the door banged open.” whacha you boys doin’ here?”  my wife asked.

J pushed me off his body trying to sit.

“com’on outta bedroom, I wanna change my clothes & I think you were supposed to pack your luggage by now.” she said merrily.

 “When did you come? We didn’t hear you!” I said. me & J were sitting by each other’s side and holding the blanket tight to hide our naked bodies.

Meg came to me and kissed me gently trying to pull the blanket.

“Nooooo” I shouted. “Give us 10 more minutes”

 “& you think that’s gonna be enough for you” she winked at J.

“at least we can try” I replied.

“nope, I give you a minute to get outta bed and go” she turned her back to us as if our only minute was started.

” fuck you, at least go outta the room so we can get dressed” I demanded.

 ” errr, you’ve been very bad boys and you gotta pack right now so you have no time to fuck me” then she stuck her tongue out at me  and made a bee line for the door.

 As she left, I turned to J, touching his cock under the blanket, he was as hard as me. ” do you think we have enough time?” I asked stroking his cock.

Meg knocked on the door:” I’m comiiiinnnnnggggg boys”

 ” No” J shouted, jumping outta  bed, we got dressed as quickly as we could.