tell me it’s a nightmare

i’m a real coward, i’m a looser, think as you like but i was really frightened. i was frightened to death
it’s not a good feeling to have nightmares every night and can’t get enough sleep. but it’s tolerable as long as it’s a nightmare.
but when it creeps into your real life, won’t you feel frightened? ain’t it natural to be terrified?
I’m sorry God, i’m hell sorry, i was too stupid to say i don’t care when people die, death is fair and someone should die to let another baby step on this planet, don’t stop wars, this planet is too small for all of us.
hit my head with a comet, a big one but don’t listen to stupid me, don’t put me in the situations like tonight, i can’t take it, i’m weak, i’m a little boy in a big man’s dress, i lied, im not indifferent, don’t assess me with death, i can’t take it, send flood, send hurricane but don’t get my loved ones, i really can’t take it, i can’t go on through the pain again…………

last night or better say early this morning i felt i fell from a big rock, i thought i lost everything, i woke up sometime round 3-4, my baby was crying and her mom was screaming as if someone was burying her alive, i could see the pain in her eyes, she was begging for help and i couldn’t do anything, i stood there and looked at her, i wanted to do something, i really wanted but it was like someone shut my brain down, i was stuck to the floor, i dunno how much it took me till i recovered from  my coma and called an ambulance.

it was so much like my nightmares, i think i looked so horrible that the ambulance guy thought he was called to help me.
i’m really stupid, i think i really looked embarrassing holding Alexis and crying like a little boy.
it may sound funny but i thought meg was dying and i couldn’t do anything to help her, i was there watching and doing nothing and she was screaming and i was drowning in an old memory.
i’m stupid, i’m a real asshole. it was jus a sudden pain, the little girl’s so naughty and loves hurting her mom.
God why am i so stupid? why i made her have another baby? this pregnancy is killing her and it’s all my fault and now there’s no way back. we have to wait, yes jus 2 months and 3 weeks.
what if something happened to her? who was to blame? that innocent baby or her stupid dad?

i really thought i was losing her, i was losing both of them. how someone can be this selfish?
now i’m pretty sure she doesn’t wanna stay in her mom’s womb for 9 fucking months,  she wanna see this world asap. her sister came 1 month earlier, why should she stay there so long? why her stupid dad didn’t listen to that doc’s advice, there’s the possibility, yes there is but let’s risk it, we’re risking everything every morning we get up!
no stupid boy, when there’s the risk you shouldn’t try! don’t gamble with other people’s money.
God i confess, i’m stupid, i’m selfish, i’m a real beast, i’m dirty but don’t hurt her,  i can’t stand burying another loved one, i promise to stand in the middle of a crowded road and let a truck knock me over, let me feel the pain, she can’t take it, i can’t see her going through so much pain for my sake.
God please listen to me this time, i know i am wrong and yes i was terrified.

the price of making love

he motioned his tongue in circles and tried to find a way to defeat her lively tongue, eating her  lustful lips, while one of his hands was exploring her body and the other was finding its way through the fabric cage on her body, but she was better and quicker, she’d freed his aching monster and she was trying to move their passion to another scale.
******
do you know the difference between making love and having sex? is there any difference? why should it be any difference when the result is the same, “seeds dumped in a hot cunt”
but there should be a difference cos we can fuck who ever we like but we can’t make love to anyone we meet.
i was talking to a friend the other day and while talking about very random things like the price of house in Washington to how often  i should change  the oil  of my 4wheel, till we got to Viagra, the power-up for a male.
he thought it just gives a good fuck and nothing more, he didn’t like it personally and tried to avoid it though many people expect him to have a beautiful hard-on whenever he gets outta his pants cos that’s his job.
some of his johns complaint about the stiffness and why he’s so soft. he has a simple explanation” let’s the passion get it hard”.
i have to admit he earns big bucks, surely more than me without paying tax and he has to work less hours while i have to pull the shit outta myself to fix things at the right time. i don’t like his way of living but his attitude is respectable. every one knows he does it for the money, so passion is really meaningless in his business but he wants to satisfy his clients.

let’s get back to a smaller scale, our own bedroom and our own spouse, how much we love the other side of ourselves, is it really the one who makes us feel better and some how the lost side of us or she/ he is jus a worthless fucking machine. are we fucking the hell outta each other every time or we’re making love?

a marriage, friendship, partnership… is not only to satisfy our earthly desires, we’re not created a fucking machine, so next time you get on your bed to have a good night, think about the reason you’re doing it, she’s not your fucking machine and she’s not a porno star that enjoys  your big hard cock every night, she’s  sacrificing  so you better make love to her and let her enjoy too.
****
*.a bit crazy i know but i haven’t blogged for 5 days and hhhmm i thought i better write about something new, besides posting in the future is a cool idea, i posted 21 crazy random posts, so bear with me but i promise to write whenever i find time.
**.the lithium is killing, i wanna give up.
***. this post was based on a real conversation and honestly i felt very ashamed of myself. but well i don’t have the fucking permission so i still have to wait for less than 3 months. please forgive my crazy posts, sometimes it’s the other head thinking not me . too much pressure on me

post 6: bethel

 

Bethel is a city located in Bethel Census Area in the U.S. state of Alaska, 340 miles (540 km) west of Anchorage. According to 2005 Census Bureau estimates, the population of the city was 6,262.

Bethel is the largest community in western Alaska and the 9th largest municipality in the state. It lies inside the Yukon Delta National Wildlife Refuge, the largest wildlife refuge in the United States. It is an administrative and transportation hub for the 56 villages in the Yukon-Kuskokwim Delta.

Bethel is home to the premier mid-distance dogsled race, the Kuskokwim 300. The “K300″ is considered by many of the world’s elite mushers to be the greatest sled-dog race in the world, even though other races receive more media attention. The K300 is so highly acclaimed because of the warmth and energy of the community volunteers, the dedication of the race’s sponsors, and the high prize purse. In the spring, traditional dancers from all over Alaska and the world gather for Cam-ai (pronounced Cha-Mai) Dance Festival.

Though the region is flat and generally treeless, local residents enjoy snowmachineing, skiing, bicycling, kayaking, caribou hunting, salmon fishing, and access to the surrounding 56 villages in the Yukon-Kuskokwim Delta.

History:

Bethel, at its original location, was a Yup’ik village called Mamterillermiut, meaning “Smokehouse People,” after the nearby fish smokehouse. It was an Alaska Commercial Company trading post during the late 1800s. It had a population of 41 people in the 1880 U.S. Census. The Moravian Church established a mission in the area in 1885, under the leadership of Rev. John Henry Kilbuck, Jr. Kilbuck learned Yup’ik, which greatly enhanced his effectiveness as a missionary. Missionaries moved Bethel from Mamterillermiut to its present location on the west side of the Kuskokwim River. A United States Post Office was opened in 1905.

Alaska Natives in this area also have a long Christian history, in part from Russian Orthodox, Catholic and Moravian influence. As in many Alaskan villages, Christian tradition has become interwoven with its cultural history.

On February 19, 1997, a school massacre attracted widespread media attention to Bethel when then-sixteen-year-old Evan Ramsey, a student at Bethel High School, shot and killed his principal and one student and wounded two others, for which he later received a 198-year prison sentence.