home, sweet home.
my heavens, it’s dammed cold, something round 10, i think i’ll be dead soon.
Ash- angrie aussie
- jumping puddle
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Monthly Archives: February 2006
what a weird question? to have or not to have! hhhmm what i wanna have?!
well im talking about friends, i mean buddy. some one you can trust , someone you can LOVE, someone who cheer you up when crying, someone to give you courage when you need, someone to lean on when weak & things like this.
do i have such a person? nope. am i that close to anyone? nope
when you’re expecting such things from someone, you gotta do the same for him/her. am i that responsible? nah
so
Got no time to be on the road
Got no holes in my shoes
You’re the reason all my friends are gone
But I won’t run from you
guess i wanna be on my own, alone, i need such a person but im not ready to do my responsilities, lemme play with my toys & watch cartoons. fuck loneliness, lemme die on my own, i dont think such a person’s born yet. i dont think there’s some one as crazy as me.
let’s have a party & celebrate another depressed day. i love feeling blue. 
it’s been a while that i feel really depressed, i dont like smiling, i dont feel like cheering.
i thought it’s not obvious but it’s dammed clear. it’s fun somehow. people keep asking “what’s wrong dawg” and me jus lie “nothing, im ok”
the truth is i dunno the answer, i think i can never smile again, this world makes me sick. there’s something wrong in it that affect my feelings. i dont wanna smile, i dont wanna cry, i wanna be sad, jus sad.
everything’s late, wanna know why? i tell you, there’s nothing fair in this world, good people dont have money, poor people are jus poor, when you need the money you dont have it, lack of money cause lota problems, on the other hand bad guys have lota money, hey lord why everything’s so complicated?
note: password protected: means i didnt want you to read it & i didnt want it in my diary, ok?
it’s all the same, the same struggle, the same man.
do i have the chance to change?
my thoughts will be wondering the way it always do, all creepy & repetitious.
i jus wanna run away but i know it’s useless, who am i hiding from?!
there are times i hate myself, for being weak for trying to be like others, eagerly forget my goal in life. i want to cheer everyone up. when i’m sad i put on my indifference mask, people think im torpid, self-centered,apathetic creature. i hate ‘em. do i have the right to hate ‘em . nooooo
so i jus try to ignore’ em. let ‘em think as they like, let ‘em say what they want, im created for a heavenly goal, im created to ignore the materials around me, not to get involved in earthly matters, pass Lord’s ordeal, gotta be a winner in the presence of Lord. i wanna be proud of myself for doing the right thing. i try to make everyone happy no matter how it hurts, little surprises can bring lota happiness & joy. jus to know someone’s thinking about you. i really dont want much in life, i want heaven, Lord created it for us but we gotta prove that we’re good enough to taste his so many kindness. to meet the creator.
but sometimes i feel im weak, when yo udo something for someone, they become happy if oyu do it several times, they think it’s your duty. wtf! it’s not my job to cheer you up, have you ever thought that i can be sad too, i dont have a heart of stone, im a living creaure with lota feelings, dont batter me with your heavy boots & it’s not that difficult to think i need someone to love me too, to hold me when im down, im not a ladder for your improvements.
so better becareful with every step you take, watch out , you’re crushing that flower.
remember it’s not my duty to bring smile on your face when you’re sad, to surprise you with little funny stuff on special occasions, wait a second & see i have needs too, asimple thanks wont be hard & dont insult me when i have no energy left to make you happy. i will love you , i will cheer you up, but it’s not my DUTY.
PS i lost my mask, tolerate this sad look please 
Fill in the blanks (1 point each)
- Name: Sima
- Age: 21
- Sex: Female
- Location: Tehran
- Birthday: 7 Dec. 1984 (well in my ID it’s sometimes in the middle of summer cos my folks wanted to send me to school one year earlier!)
- Birth place: Tehran, Iran
- Mother tongue: Farsi
- Other languages: English, a little Arabic & a very very… very little German
- Religion: Islam (well, it’s what written in my ID but actually I don’t think I’m a Muslim, I just try to keep within my own accepted moralities & virtues)
- Height: 155cm
- Weight: 49kg
- Occupation: student (4th year of mat. Eng.)
- Interests: playing pc games, listening to music, running, cycling, climbing(anything including walls & trees), reading, judging people, watching TV, eating chocolates, having toothache, backache ….
- Favorite movies: LOTR, Godfather (all 3), scar face, any Al Pacino movie, gladiator, Harry Potter-hp, do you remember it?-(goblet of fire), most of Mel Gibson’s movies, Nemo, Shrek, Shark tale (most animations)
- Favorite songs: all ‘tallica songs specially King nothing, mama said, frantic, dirty window, unforgiven, my friend of misery & the god that failed. JBJ: wanted dead or alive, it’s my life, distance, keep the faith, most of deep purple’s songs & black Sabbath, generally anything metal or hard rock
- Family: 2 sisters, one 25 (studied English literature) & the other 17 (still at school), my mom ( I love her so much), my beloved daddy died 6years ago (heart failure- I miss him so much), 2 aunts, 4 uncles , 1 granny, 12 cousins (what a big family!)
- Wish list: wanna take a trip round the world specially Egypt, climb Everest, have my own viper & drive in a rally , got my doctor degree, write my own computer game, try scuba diving, parachuting, don’t live more than 30-35 years (14 years remaining)
- Goals: finish my study, have my own job & income (don’t wanna live on my own), try not to be like others (puppets), love animals specially cats & dogs(animal phobia), find my own path to salvation
- Motto: never give up the fight, so better die young
Life time over view: hmmm what should I say here?! Lemme think! First I know you’re bored by now, sayin “what a hell! it’s none of my business & interest to know who you are & what you like” & maybe you gave up before getting to this line. But I wanna go on. Actually there was no need to write these or even confess cos we’re not gonna meet in real world (cos you don wanna meet me& more than that I don’t have enough money for such a trip);while I could spend my time writing my homework, well it’s my time & I wanna write crap as much as I like (mto). Hope my English is clear ENOUGH, I’m not American (but idiot), never been abroad but I have quite a good imagination. I love learning other languages, I have watched many cartoons(ninja turtles) when I was a little kid (the reason my English’s a bit OK) & I just think in English & don’t do the foolish translation from farsi, I sense the language so I have no problem with it generally, though my vocabulary sucks. I had my Toefel when I was 16. & to my point of view English is one of the most easiest languages in the world. well I don wanna write about my life but one thing I wanna say, I enjoy writing & I‘ve written a few shitty BS stories, I always write my diary in English (since I was a little kid, never wrote in my mother tongue, I dunno why!) and like all other writers (the person who writes in general) I take the place of my own characters, & about the boy called Keith, I really dunno where it came from, I have no idea about him, I don’t think if such a person exists, it’s just I was bored, blue & outta my mind. fucking round net, joining several groups & hell the story began. I dunno why Boston, maybe it’s because I wanted to study in MIT but gave up the idea when I was convinced I cant live on my own in a foreign country (I’m a real brat, though I may look quite independent I cant stay away from home for a long time, once we went to another city-me& my class mates- for 3-4 days, I cried most nights missing home! hehehehhe, what a brat!). Now I know quite a lot about Boston as if I lived there but I’m tired of this foolish character of my own. For a while I was really in love with him, he was just me, living where I wanted to live & he was just he & not a she. But when your character meets other people ….. then things come outta yer control, you have the influence over one part not the whole story. So after 6-7 months I had a character I didn’t like, it was doing whatever he wanted, I wanted to get rid of him cos he was really influencing me, taking most of my time& energy, I was him & I didn’t know what happened to myself! But he was so dammed connected with his cyber world (the place he was the boss & I was the servant) that seemed unpossible to dump him, but in the last few month I gave myself enough space to be the one I should be. Ok I wanna dump him, having exams is the best time for such a thing. Ok I finished another story, I might write it one day & maybe it become something to keep me & others busy. I’m taking my mask out & just wanna be myself. Maybe I try somebody else later (hehehehe like those endless movies). But for a while let’s be me, gotta cut my hair cos it’s getting really long (more than 6 cm)& better finish this crap. I dunno if you get to this line or not. But the thing is I feel like writing this to meself, kinda my own goodbye with the guy I hate so much now.
sometimes im feel depressed, down in the dumps, i hate myself, i hate everyone, i think nobdy cares about me, other times im quite lively & lovely, i can cheer you up if you dont put all your sorrow on me, i cant carry yours, i have my own problems. i do anything for a friend but i hate lies, stop playing silly games!
Scene 1: dark cold room, loud music playing, the familiar magical sound of Burton’s bass, “pulling teeth”.
Half burned cigarette left on the edge of the cupboard, half opened fridge, water pouring into the glass, cry of “SHIT” can be heard from miles away.
Scene 2: the relaxing tone of bass turned to the disgusting voice of J.Lo “fucking ^$&$&%$& , who shitted my CD?!”. Angrily looking for the remote control, me appears on the stage! Oooppps TV off, kneeling on the floor looking for Forbidden album of Black Sabbath.
Back to the kitchen with the glass still in my hand looking for some aspirin! As soon as findin’ one, swallowed without hesitation.
Scene 3: ringing bell me running to the door asking “who’s it?” .in a second the door is opened , somebody handed me a hot edible thing. “Thanks “
Without looking , threw the food to the fridge, no appetite at all.
Grabbing the still burning cigarette, turned on the light, ‘tallica in , speakers on, volume up.
“Exit light, Enter night…”
Pc on, a blank page of Diary infronna me. “No, Not again!” phone ringing non-stop.
Running to the living room, hung up. Back to the bedroom opening window a bit letting fresh air to enter the space.
Scene 4:throwing the ashes to the trash can , lighting another cigarette “ this is the last!” conscience speaking:” Don’t fuck with me!”
Endless sound of clicking on the keyboard & coughs, the page’s not blank anymore , cigarette still burning; pain remaining in my gum & taste of blood in my mouth.
Another day’s finished!
Notes:1. I really pulled my tooth out!
2. I have a nice neighbor that sometimes gimme some good meals! Hihihi 
3. there’s lota pain in my mouth
jus another day, as usual. i had lota things in my mind , none of ‘em available now, dumpped!
nothing special about today, that ol’ story, mood!
no right to cry , no aim to try.
i lost it again; so many nightmares, so many terrible things.not a smile in the corner of my lip.
jus too tired to do anything, outta energy.
dont talk to me; im not in the mood. another dentist appointment, pulling my wise tooth! im wondering what would happen to me without my wise tooth. no more wise quotes!
let the sky cry
everybody laugh at you
drowning again in hell
nobody is mad at you!
the truth about me:i convicted myself, i became no one. i convicted human beings, i became wicked. i convicted God, i became heathen!
It is hard to make a list of all the joy and happiness you may hope for, but I can tell you that the most incredible events may happen to you anytime now… such as:
|
im thinking
so many things in my mind but no time to type, guess ica ndo it tonight
have a nice week
just as soft as the wind
you came in & spread your seed
thought i would be silent
and never ask you “why!”
who gave you the right
to tear me apart
wasnt i innocent to your eyes
so stop those devilish cries
leave me alone, let me vanish
it’s much better to get ravished
you thought i dont have a mind
you were wrong, im not that kind
jus pull out your dagger outta my heart
let it bleed till the last drop of blood
i know i was no better than you
you called me loser & i lost for you
i wasnt born to lose you baby
it wasnt my will to break your body
dont lean on me, im just too weak
dont let me fall, not another trick
i loose your hand, wont bite the quick
it’s the only way to end this hide & seek
Every day i open my eyes, there’s no difference, it’s jus all th same. the day light would come,in an hour or so. i just make another shedule like other days, call it different & leave the home.
another week means another fighting, another race to begin. getting up ,eating ,checking mails, running for the bus, going to classes, no time for lunch, checking mails again, updating blogs, again classes , back home , TV , reading, sleep. it’s jus all the same. some one’s puffing my life candle like mj, i dont like it, i have to stop it.
another day begins, i feel it’s my day, i try to feel happy & smile, keep your lips up & show your tooth to others, when you smile , no matter fake or real you get another smile; i know what goes on in others mind “how can he smile at this terrible life?” who said im smiling im mocking & mugging, decieving myself.
i look for new things in the same ol’ path, looking for new guys in the same ol’ bus, reading my books & listening to my loud music, trying to pretend there’s nothing in life that can bother me;
sometimes i wonder how i can play in such a silly game, when i know there’s nothing left in my pockets & cards gazing at the bars, waving for tipsy guys & waiting for another shining star to rise, call it my star & smile at it, then realize it was only light of a chopper flying away.
i like the city i live in, i like the people i meet everyday, i like smiling at strangers saying morning ; but you know what, it’s jus a dream , it’s jus a lie, i turn on my player & wait for a bus, i dont smile, i dont try to wave others goodbye, i jus go & come, nobody ever see me, nobody ever talk to me, nobody wait to shake a hand, i never hear “what’s up dawg!” im a nobody. so i close my eyes & pray to lord to cut my rope or blow my candle, all i wanna do is cry & die.
this endless swamps & whirl pools of nothingness & depression’s killing me. i want some one to hold me tight , to push me forward, God i need strength, im outta my mind again.
tears don’t come down my eye
i hate the moment you say good bye
when you’re away, you make me cry
when you’re around, it’s jus pry
all i want in life, is a way to fly
but it’s all failure, no matter how hard i try
there’s no answer to my question :”why?”
all i got every day is another simple lie
all you do makes me feel like a stir-fry
so leave me, i wanna be alone and die
hmmmm not too bad for the begining, it’s jus another creepy thought full of Y
yeah soundblog’s the future of this little cornor we have to let ourselves out, it’s fun to hear the blogger’s voice instead of reading every post, we can feel how they really felt that time, then bloggers can have live posts & jus imagine talking comments! some one shouting, some one crying.
it sounds quite weird but we can have such things in the future years, all we want is new materials & new programs. that’s what i like about materials, i know i can never make a new material but maybe i can suggest a new thing, materials’re so dammed important , the bricks of industry & technology; what a good brilliant boy i am, choosing such a cool field;
aha i was talkin’ about sound blogs, how do you like ‘em?!
sounds cool, but i prefer the ol’ typin style, hiding behind the thick-thin walls of wires & chips.
one more thing, there wont be much change in the style of crap here, if you dont like it, dont read it (hehehehhe) i dont have much time to post thoughtful stuff, btw i never think!
If only you had known to be honest was wrong
For the work that you’ve done you will pay with your eyes
Don’t be afraid you will never lose your love.
Into the black where the night never ends and the light
Leaves a scar on your soul where your heart used to hold your love here!
Heaven in Black
Inside there’s a voice saying was there a choice?
You’d still be entombed in the night
Lucifer’s to blame, the reason for the flame
They’ve taken your sight but they’ll not take your God
Don’t be afraid you will never lose your love.
happy valentine
what a disgusting terrible day
Dear prof
i do need a project to graduate, why are you jus ignorin’ me!
i do want a project in advanced material, specially anything bio, why you want me to take a extraction, huh?!
i gotta cry, i gotta check others, why summer, geezzzz i wanna rest in summer, i wanna go on vacATION, i don want workin on hot summer days.
i need help, i need project
hhhmmm what am i supposed to write for this topic considering i have a little time to write cos i gotta check library & go to my class
aha lemme see, let’s start it wit my legs.
i gotta thank my creator for giving me only 2 legs, jus imagine if i had 1 or three, hhhmmm i dunno how i had to walk & as it’s obvious i’m outta my mind, everything looks like a real hell.
i may write more later, better go!
jus lookin’ at the calender, whoaaaaaa it’s 11th , jus 3 days!
& then boogie! i dont have a list of human beings for this day! that means savin’ money. lol!
hhhmmm guess i better go buy myself a new pair of shoes & a red rose, too romantic ain’t it?!?!
ok if you think nobody loves you & wont send you card, jus mail me, i’ll do it
time for studyin a bit, been out in the few last days & didnt open a page.
i was thinkin of my project & last night i had a dream, sth about dia magnetic itergranular stress or like, but i cant remember ; better go to bed & maybe i dream of it & write it down! hehehehe
happy birthday Cliff
let’s play pulling teeth in the memo of him.
“Maybe to the world you just one person, but to one person you might be the world.”
me: really?!
i’ve thought & written so many times about this subject, at last i came to a conclusion.
there’s no end to real friend ship, real i mean real, with your heart, but about cyber there’s no limit to your friends, if got tired of one, there are many others, so there’s a time limitation.
once i thought i can replace real world with cyber world, but you know! it’s unpossible! or i wont do it!nothing can be as real as real world, i close the gates & move to my castle, i don care about the surrounding world, but be sure whenever you knock i open the gates for friends, i rest my case
bbb…..bbbb….bbbbb…..
my mind’s blank, no honestly it’s not, it’s jus restin & in peace.
i spent most of yesterday thinkin’, thinkin’ and thinkin’ (too much thinkin’ i didnt saw the bus, neither the driver,lucky nothing happened!)
it’s fine to start yer day with stress & anger & end it in deep depression.
when i saw a friend’s drawings i told meself:”wow, she’s so talented & i’m jus a piece of shit, livin’ on this earth for a while what do i have to show?!” truely nothing.
been watchin’ tv a bit , so many religious debates , some of ‘em really good; now i wonder how i dared denying someone that obvious, some how, still deep in my soul (not really deep but not superficial)i fight with God, accusing him to be unfair to some guys, jus imagine you were born in a really really poor family, you couldnt pay the bills, no money to pay for fuel and gas in below -10C winters, sleepin outside on christmas , who’s to blame?
i really dunno if i have the right to say what’s right & wrong, surely i dont, but i say it; i judge people by their appearance, am i a fool? no, i’m jus human being. i really dont get it why humans are created , what have they done? jus ruinin’ everything, being demanding, killing each other, not at all useful! or maybe again i’m wrong, he’s perfect so there should be the creation of human with so many mistakes to make during his/her life.
there are lota things i dunno & i would never know, i’m not that smart, i have lota limitations as a human being, lord knows better!
the more i see, the worst i feel. the feeling of wasting my time & life & can’t stop it, im jus wasting the time i’m responsible for & i gotta answer in the presence of lord on the resurrectoin day, judgement day. i was tellin’ sb i dont have any talents, i’m jus a dweeb & he said you’re insultin’ a God’s creature, i always thoght if i commit a suicide, i did sth good, being useless & a piece ‘o shit better not to pollute earth more, lota people would live in ease. now i know i dont have the right to do such a foolish act, it’s jus like killing someone else, & then i asked myself do i have the right to kill sb else? would i murder sb for jus bein’ a pain in the ass? no i wouldnt.
im not a fool, jus enjoy ignorin’ the obvious things.
in the last few days i had a good experience, i jus didnt feel like eating, i was hungry sometimes but keep ignoring it, noting like fastin’, when you fast you jus dont eat for 12-15 hours, then you can eat as much as you like, but i jus felt like i can live without eatin for days, any time i ate i jus didnt enjoy it, jus like an obligation, dammed it’s a human need, lord gave us the appetite & the chance to enjoy his gifts & be grateful,
then i watched devil’s advocate (for the 5th times), i really love that movie specially the last 10-20 minutes when kevin(keanu reeves) asks Satan-his father- (al pacino) who’s god?
i dunno if you watched it or not, but im jus puttin it here to remind myself
Satan:’who’re you carrying those bricks for? God? lemme give you a little inside information about God.
God likes ot watch, he’s a prankster. he gives man instincts, and then what does he do? i swear for his own amusement, his own private cosmic gag reel; he sets the rules in opposition.it’s a goof of all time; look but dont touch, touch but dont taste,taste but dont swallow. & while you’re jumpin from one foot to the next, what is he doing? he’s laughin’ his sick fuckin’ ass off.”
& the story goes on. it’s such a great movie,sometimes i think the above sentences are quite right, why God gives us so many instincts & then forbid, promising heaven that we have no idea whether it exists or not & frigtening us of hell that there’s the possibility it doesnt exist;
i know you knew all those, i wasted yer time, but imagine you wanna find God, you didnt know those,(or forgot it or ignored it) you weren’t taught so many things since the very young age & you gotta discover it yourself, challengin’ so many things, bannin’ so many things, and let’s not talk about the inner pressure you have, you gotta make peace with your fuckin’self.
i wish it was jus like learnin how to melt iron how to purify it, you could melt yer soul & it was purified; lemme do a confession, there are times i say to meslef, fuck God, he’s so mean, i need to think dirty, islam’s such a perfect religion for guys givin’ em the right to have 4 wives, but it’s not.
i always thought islam’s all obligations, fastin’ prayin’ so many rules against women, heaven i didnt know it’s the most reflexible religion in the world, behind every rule & obligation there’s a philosophy you have to think& read for ages & then you might understand jus a very little of it.
i hate myself for bein such a jerkass all the time, i dont think i can ever go to heaven, i’m jus like a cow who gives lota milk & the very last minute with a kick spill all of it.
i’m jus tired of the struggle, im jus tired of bein so weak,bein such a pain in ass creature, i know he loves me but i cant see the reason.
i wanna be good, i wanna deserve heaven, but what if i cant be good, so better die soon, so i dont dirty my soul more. yeah, Lord can you hear me, didnt you say ask anything you want and i give you. i want death, i hate this life, it’s useless, it’s meaningless, i dont want money, i dont want have my own job, family, home…. i jus wanna be good.
how can you love me when i’m not lovely at all!
God i wanna ask you sth, i need your help, i need your help, can you hear me!
d’ahhhhh i dunno what’s wrong with me today i keep stubbing my toes & feet to any possible thing like bed, chair, fridge…. the result was that the chair fell down & made a terrible sound early in the morning (5am) guess i woke the whole street up, i have a terrible pain in my knee now, hope i dont stub into bus, train & profs cos any of them can make a lota trouble, i’m still feel like partyin; so does everyone & everything that’s the reason it’s so cloudy & cold & everyone enjoy hurting my feelings,
hey yo out there i’m happy , it’s great but did i say you can insult me!?!? ;(
i wanna be a rock & roll star….
hey no , im not serious!
im just too happy.
mission complete, me extremely happy, all the subjects passed.
seems life smilin again!
